Dream Matches — page 6

LOS THUNDERCATS.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And I have a TRUE atrocity for you today, as someone clued me in to more Monterrey, Mexico Indie Sleaze, as a team of guys dressed as the THUNDERCATS are masked heels and take on Trio Fantasia- three guys decked out to appeal to children as Pinocchio, a Doll/Clown, and MIGHTY MOUSE! So yes, it’s Thundercats fighting Mighty Mouse in not one, but TWO matches- a long Trios Match and then a Masks vs. Masks match to pay off their feud. It doesn’t get much more “outlaw mudshow” than THIS.

Next up it’s a look at the fathers of two current WWE superstars in the “Bloodline” angle as I take a look at both Sika and the Tonga Kid. Sika teams up with Kamala to face the Can-Am Connection shortly after WrestleMania III as a Wrestling Challenge main event, then it’s The Tonga Kid vs. The Masked Superstar! Tama vs. Ax! Finally, it’s one last look at Rusty Brooks and Jumbo Baretta in GWA, as they take on some truly amazing doughy jobbers!

MONTERREY TRIOS TITLES:
LOS THUNDERCATS (Lion-O, Panthro & Tigra) vs. TRIO FANTASIA (Super Muneco, Super Raton & Super Pinocho):
(Monterrey, Mexico, Dec. 8th 1991)
* Oh yeah, that’s right. LOS THUNDERCATS. So Monterrey was apparently always this den of Indie Sleaze and guys ripping off stuff from other media and naming wrestlers after it, so we have “Los Thundercats”, this being three guys in cheap Thundercats uniforms, complete with masks. At least they have the full bodysuits on, making everyone recognizable. Lion-O’s the biggest one and not Panthro, and Tigra has leopard print, but baby-steps. Trio Fantasia are a trio of children’s fiction-themed guys (I initially assumed Disney because of the name and the Mouse & Pinocchio, but it just means “Fantasy Trio”)- “Super Doll”, “Super Mouse” and “Super Pinocchio”, more or less. Super Raton looks like one of those horrifying Mickey Mouses seen at Disneyland in the 1950s, with the misshapen head fit too tightly around the face. Though actually he’s more obviously a Mighty Mouse rip-off, with red trunks over a yellow bodysuit. Pinocho looks like he’s in some kind of horrifying gimp-suit with a yellow shirt and suspenders. Muneco is just a generic clown design. Their whole concept is I guess to be child-friendly while dressing like the stuff of nightmares.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have something I’ve been meaning to check out for a while- after all the Von Erich stuff based around The Iron Claw coming out, I was meaning to take a look at David Von Erich in particular, as I’d never seen any of his work… and now I find an NWA Title shot against Ric Flair from 1982! Come see just how good Ric was in his PRIME! You think he was good in the ’90s, watch him when he was younger and fitter!

Next up, it’s a classic lucha “WTF?” match as King Haku, Chris Benoit & Vampiro take on Norman Smiley, Pierroth Jr. & Mocha Cota! Then it’s a sequel to last week’s column with Boris Malenko avenging his injured son Dean at the hands of dastardly heels Rusty Brooks & Jumbo Baretta, with Boris teaming with son Joe against the rotund heels! Finally, it’s a true superstar match as Curt Hennig & Barry Windham team up on WCW Saturday Night to take on the legendary duo of Disorderly Conduct! Read on!

NWA WORLD TITLE:
RIC FLAIR vs. DAVID VON ERICH:
(WCCW Star Wars, 10/11/82)
* I asked around for matches of David Von Erich, a wrestler I’ve never seen perform, and “zbinks” was good enough to share! Flair is in a glistening red robe, and is coming out to… the Star Wars theme? Haha nice. That was a current batch of films back then! David… also comes out to the same theme. Okay then! The commentary says Flair paid some heels to injure Kerry, David’s little brother at the “Star Wars” show (oh, that explains the theme). David, a TALL, lanky Texas boy, comes out in a black cowboy hat. Wow I didn’t realize he was so thin. Flair’s in red trunks & David’s in black.

Flair of course annoys David to start, just standing there casually and puts his foot in the ropes so David can’t do anything. Another rope-break and then Flair grabs a headlock, David repeatedly forcing him into a pin with his “raw strength” while Flair shouts “Watch the tights, dammit!” to the ref to establish that he’s making shit up- no VON ERICH would cheat! David pops his hips to fight up, then gives Flair a high knee after a rope-run and grabs a headlock of his own! This lasts exactly one minute, Flair repeatedly going for pins, then ends up in a standing headlock after losing a test of strength, thus establishing early superiority for David. Flair has a band-aid peeling off of his arm- gross. Every time Flair gets out he ends up right back in it, and when he FINALLY gets a rope-break, he ends up shoulder-first into the corner and now he’s in an armlock! Flair howls in anger & pain as David mostly sits there, and makes sure to move every 20-30 seconds or so- thus making it look less “resthold”-y. Flair chops out but David won’t release and stuffs him with a hammerlock- Flair gets out with the tights & chops, but after some shoulderblocks charges right back into it! Flair finally hits the corner for a comeback, and David’s good at the “swing an arm to sell the impact then stumble” sell. But he fights back and reverses to another hammerlock, then half-nelsons Flair into a pin repeatedly, but when Flair fights out, they bash each other around but Ric fakes him out with a drop-down, then pops up and tosses him!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time my “Guys breaking copywrite law in impossibly shitty matches” run continues with LOS TELETUBBIES, a quartet of guys in Teletubby costumes doing lucha libre in Monterrey, Mexico, which is apparently a den of copywrite-infringement gimmicks in a display of amazing INDIE SLEAZE! Teletubbies I-III take on Apolo Chino, Red Flamer & Dark Side in a Trios Match!

Then it’s another match from Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle in Memphis, as he faces jobber Keith Eric! Following that, a “proper” match as the one-time Super Duper Mario, Rusty Brooks, teams with fellow obesitron Jumbo Baretta to take on the Florida Tag Champions Joe & Dean Malenko in 1986 GWA! Come see that legendary Malenko charisma as they make the fat guys bounce around for them! Then it’s a short Ron Simmons vs. Mr. Hughes match on WCW Worldwide in 1991, the day before Halloween Havoc, and then I end things with some EUROVISION! Because I was looking for something else and instead found PCO/Carl Ouellet in England of all places as part of “Double Trouble”, a heel duo beating two hapless rookies, Gary Welsh and The Young Wiganer (no, really). Come see some amazing jobber abuse!

LOS TELETUBBIES (Teletubbie I-III, aka Dipsy, Po & Tinky-Winky, w/ Laa-Laa) vs. APOLO CHINO, RED FLAMER & DARK SIDE:
(Monterrey, Mexico)
* Fuckin’ lucha, lol. I post about “Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle” and someone tells me about “Los Teletubbies” and I just had to. So it’s a quartet of luchadores in really bad, bottom-heavy Teletubbies outfits, coming out to Midnight Oil’s “Beds Are Burning”. You know, like the Teletubbies did! I have no idea who anyone on either side is. Los Teletubbies are apparently based out of Monterrey, and eventually all of them lost their masks to other copywrite violation wrestlers like Ricochet (not that one), La Pulga, Mucha Lucha & Burrito (Donkey from Shrek). Red Flamer has a one-page Luchawiki bio and a blue & red outfit & mask. Looking up “Dark Side” in any wrestling context just gives you the TV show, but he’s got a black outfit & mask. Chino is maskless. Chino’s LuchaWiki bio says “Veteran worker who somehow caught on with CMLL for a short run in 1998 which led to him dropping his mask to Rencor Latino. The unmasking was pretty anti-climactic as Chino was laughing during the entire thing and that could possibly be the reason why he never worked in CMLL rings again.” As everyone knows, Dipsy is green, Laa-Laa yellow, Po red and Tinky-Winky purple. They’re actually Teletubbie I-III here but I refuse to look up which is which. Laa-Laa is on the floor.

Oh yes, by popular demand, it’s the OTHER most notable horrible indie ripoff gimmick, as KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE debuts in Memphis and works early-card matches against losers and dweebs while dressed in a Ninja Turtle Halloween costume and everyone has to act like “Wow, I thought you were an idiot, but you can really wrestle!”. Come watch him against future “jailed for CP” asshole dork Ken Wayne, then teams up with an impressed Wayne so they can take on THE TWILIGHT ZONE! A pair of masked jobbers, one of whom is Brian Christopher (you can tell by the way he wastes time in the ring).

But that’s not all! I also found more of Ron Simmons in WCW, as he teams up with Big Josh (Doink the Clown) against a suit-wearing duo of Mr. Hughes and Vinnie Vegas! Come watch Kevin Nash learn to work as he bumps unnaturally big for such a huge dude. Then it’s over to ECW, as we get a HORRENDOUS match where poor Nova has to try his best and have a decent match with the useless Chris Chetti in a Loser Leaves ECW Match! You know a match is bad when it looks like “Wrestling’s Secrets Revealed” by the way one guy has to push and pull the other around the ring to try and accomplish any of the moves! And finally, it’s a disastrous WCW Pro match featuring Johnny Swinger vs. Tokyo Magnum, as the Ultimo Dragon trainee makes me die inside with a horrible botched move that Swinger even tries to sell!

KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE vs. “THE NIGHTMARE” KEN WAYNE:
(USWA, 1990)
* Kowabunga was brought to my attention, and indeed it’s a Memphis act where a guy bought a cheap Ninja Turtle Halloween costume and began wrestling in it. At least the commentators admit he’s openly just inspired by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He’s wearing a bright green-skinned Turtle outfit akin to Leonardo, but with a black bandana, belt & pads around the joints, making him a non-denominational Turtle. I’ll say the mask is better than what Duane Gill & Barry Hardy used as the Toxic Turtles in the WWF one-off- it actually looks like a real TMNT outfit. Under the suit is apparently Chris Champion (Yoshi Kwan in WCW), who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. Ken Wayne comes out with a bikini-clad woman who’s about 20 years too old for him judging by his Wikipedia page. He has a blond mullet, a dad-bod, bad facial hair, red facepaint for some reason, and red tights. A good “forgettable Southern wrestler” look. He’s the USWA Jr. Heavyweight Champion, but I guess this is non-title (Kowabunga’s shell probably puts him out of the weight class).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have some INCREDIBLE finds for you- TWO DIFFERENT WRESTLERS doing shameless “Super Mario” gimmicks in the indies! Starting off with Rusty Brooks in a cheap costume squashing a jobber in ICW, then leading to Super Mario in the USWA facing the future Maestro, Gorgeous George III! And then I found Super Mario squashing some guy called “The Hawk”!

After that it’s another Haas Brothers dark match, as Charlie & Russ take on the Dupps- Jack and Bo! Come see Charlie mis-time a suplex and nearly kill Jack! And finally, it’s a UWFI match from Japan, as Big Van Vader takes on fellow big boy Gary Albright in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF using worked shootstyle!

SUPER DUPER MARIO vs. JOSE VASQUEZ:
(ICW, probably 1990)
* It’s more of Rusty Brooks! Once someone told me he was called “Super Duper Mario” I knew I had to seek this out. It’s the most podunk of sleazy indie gimmicks possible- just trotting a fat guy out in a red shirt & blue overalls to Nintendo music and have fans greet him like he’s a mascot or something when it’s totally unlicensed nonsense, haha. This is from ICW, an indie with a very storied, remarkable history. None of which I know, so hopefully someone in the comments can sound off. Extra points for Brooks going with a super-exaggerated Italian accent and… wait, why is his cap blue? Did he base his entire look off the first Nintendo Power cover? He love how the cap is just gigantic and way too tall- like they had to find a blue cap and could only find one at the store. And he comes down to the ring with a hammer. Well… I mean Mario used one in Donkey Kong. He says “Ah-THPTHTPTPT” to the Boston Creampuff, which I assume is the nickname for someone he dislikes. Valsquez is a jobber in red trunks, looking generic and dad-bod ish.

Well surely WCW’s push of Ron Simmons to the World Title created a longtime main event success! … right?

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a legitimate big-name match for you, as it’s the famous match where WCW midcarder Ron Simmons gets an underdog shot against monster heel World Champion Big Van Vader! This is actually maybe the very first WCW match I ever saw, and to show you it was effective, even I was buying it by match’s end, for a challenger I’d never heard of!

Next up, it’s a match Jim Cornette has talked about on his podcast as Bob Backlund brought up in his autobiography, where Canadian kid with a “trick shoulder” Rick Bolton is called in to do the  job to George “The Animal” Steele and put him over as a monster, leaving the “poor young man” with his arm sickly jolting out at his side! Amazing carney spectacle with this one, even for a basic squash. Next up, I find a true “Only at this moment in time” match with Nova teaming up with Chris Chetti in a WWF dark match against the Haas Brothers, Russ & Charlie! That very brief period where those dudes were in OVW, Russ was still alive, and friggin’ Chetti was still trying to make it work. And finally, it’s three matches in a row of Lex Luger taking on Maxx (aka Maxx Muscle) in increasingly-short, increasingly one-sided matches in WCW!

WCW WORLD TITLE:
BIG VAN VADER (w/ Harley Race) vs. RON SIMMONS:
(WCW, Aug. 2nd 1992)
* So to set the stage, this is circa SummerSlam for the WWF, where Savage fought Warrior and Bret took on Davey-Boy. I wasn’t a WCW fan (the previous year, Ric Flair showed up on WWF TV and I was like “Who is this old guy and why does he have his own belt?”), and would only occasionally catch a glimpse of their TV show, as I didn’t know when it was on and since it was the “lame” one I didn’t care as much anyways. I was at least aware of Vader’s existence, possibly because of the WCW comic that Marvel Comics was releasing at the time. So one day I just randomly find their TV and see Vader going up against this dude I’ve never heard of, in what looks like a pretty basic “Monster Champ vs. Midcarder” match. The idea is that Sting was set to challenge longtime enemy Vader, but was injured by that dastardly Jake Roberts, and so the fans “who paid to see a Title match” get an alternate instead. Vader’s in black and Simmons, at that point mostly a tag wrestler, has purple tights.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I had to put this one up pretty late- I was at Disney World for twelve days, and my backlog was pretty much destroyed by that and having my computer break only a couple weeks beforehand (ugh RIP my bank account), meaning I had even less time to write stuff up… and then of course WestJet cancelled my flight at the last minute and I had to spend an extra 24 hours in airports, then was so messed up from the sleep disruptions I could barely get anything down. But I’m back! Scrambling for more content!

So first off it’s another “Pillars” All Japan match, as Jumbo Tsuruta & Akira Taue defend their Tag Titles against upstart squad Mitsuharu Misawa & Kenta Kobashi!  Following that, it’s one of the WWF’s attempts to build up Aguila as a challenger for Taka Michinoku’s Light Heavyweight Title, as he takes on lucha pirate Pirata Morgan on WWF Shotgun! Then I found a particularly weird Dream Match between Superstar Billy Graham & Jimmy Valiant going up against Southern team The Rock & Roll RPMs! But the match was so short I wanted to find ANOTHER RPMs match, and found one against Brett & Buzz Sawyer, another pair of guys I know nothing about! And finally, it’s more of my new look at Mr. Hughes, as he takes on Marty Jannetty in the summer of 1993 WWF!

ALL JAPAN WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
JUMBO TSURUTA & AKIRA TAUE vs. MITSUHARU MISAWA & KENTA KOBASHI:
(All Japan, June 5th 1992)
* Okay I need a headliner alongside all these scrub matches- time for some ALL JAPAN! So at this point Jumbo is the grumpy, aging Ace who refuses to relinquish his spot to these kids who won’t get off his fucking lawn. Key example being Misawa, the obvious Future Ace- the stoic man of the hour. And his partner is Kobashi, the ultimately mega-babyface overwrought seller & FIGHTING SPIRIT guy. Jumbo’s second is young boy Akira Taue, a “Clone Buddy” of similar stature who is of the same generation as Misawa (aka a traitor). The upstarts get HUGE reactions from the fans.

… my god. Super obese, simply horrible haircut, wimpy facial hair, and a terrible-fitting singlet. This is like the Supreme Jobber. The High King of Job Mountain. I am in awe.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have some of the most ridiculous jobbery matches imaginable! Starting off with an ultra-rare 1985 HULK HOGAN squash, as he takes on Rusty Brooks- the potential King of the Jobbers!

Next up, it’s a classic “Randy Savage Template” match against the failing Monster Heel, Mr. Hughes, from 1993 WWF! After that, it’s one of the most low-rent Name vs. Name matches in the history of wrestling, as Rodney from the Mean Street Posse takes on Headbanger Thrasher in mid-2000! I mean it’s WWF Jakked, BUT STILL! Then it’s over to WCW as we get a horrendously low-rent Jim Powers vs. Wayne Bloom match on 1998 WCW Pro, then Hacksaw Jim Duggan dropping shoot-ish comments on WCW Saturday Night so he can take on a singlet-clad Barry Darsow! Then it’s TWO Evan Karagias vs. Lenny Lane matches, as I use the singular awfulness of Karagias to learn more about how NOT to do pro wrestling!

… What? I’m on vacation still! I needed some random stuff and didn’t have time to find proper headliners! EAT YOUR RODNEY vs. THRASHER AND LIKE IT!

HULK HOGAN vs. RUSTY BROOKS:
(WWF, 1985)
* I was looking for Hulk Hogan jobbers quashes (a rarity after his World Title run started) and OH MY GOD, look at this jobber. Short, fat to the point of ridiculousness, and a tight green & white singlet over his porcine body. Tremendous. Hogan, in white, is formally challenged by WWF newcomer “Macho Man” Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth for their first feud. Liz gets on the mic and, with unexpected sass given how her character evolved, asks “Why you don’t wrestle anybody with any credentials?”, and Hogan immediately tells Savage to bring it, only to get attacked from behind, and it’s on!

• Hard to come up with a more “WTF?” Dream Match than THAT. 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have stuff from all over- Late-Stage WCW, 1993 WWF, 1997 Lucha, and more! We start off with a Spring Break Nitro with Bill Goldberg taking on Hardcore Hak, aka The Sandman during his brief run in WCW! Then it’s “The Rocket” Owen Hart in a midcard match against rising heel Mr. Hughes in 1993 WWF!

Then I found the brother team of Doctor Wagner Jr. & Silver King against El Dandy & Lizmark from 1997 Mexico! And from there, it’s a super informative match featuring Evan Karagias defending the WCW Cruiserweight Title (yes, really) against La Parka- informative because Karagias is one of those uniquely bad guys that can actually teach you a lot about pro wrestling by doing so many important things wrong that you start to figure out what the proper mechanics of it are. Finally, it’s a rare HULK HOGAN squash, as he takes on jobber Bill Dixon in 1993, the Hulkster coming in hot from Rocky 3!

GOLDBERG vs. HARDCORE HAK (w/ Chastity):
(WCW Nitro, March 22nd 1999)
* Man, WCW had Goldberg/Sandman on live TV! Now THAT’S a dream match! So Hak was of course Sandman’s WCW name, as he kept a similar character minus the sympathetic side, so he’s just a guy who likes violence and wraps himself in barbed wire. I mean, it’s a fine midcard character, I dunno. Ricky Rachtman does an interview with Hak, who dubs himself “Hardcore Hak, the King of Extreme!” and cracks his own forehead open with a Singapore cane. This is one of those great Panama City Nitros with the pool backdrop.

Stunning Steve Austin, before finally giving up on that hairline.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have an incredible headliner for you- one of those “Only in this moment in time” WCW matches, featuring Ric Flair, Arn Anderson and Stunning Steve Austin vs. Sting, Alex Wright and the Renegade! Only in WCW could you see Austin shortly before he got fired at Peak Workrate take on the Renegade during his failed upper midcard push. And HOLY CRAP watch Austin with his workboots on in this otherwise-filler TV main event.

Then it’s another look into Negro Casas, as I was fascinated by how good he was in that FMW match- someone linked me a 1987 Mask vs. Hair match against his longtime opponent, El Hijo Del Santo! Then it’s more WCW goofiness as a D-show features Buff Bagwell & Konnan as a random nWo tag team against the legendary High Voltage! And finally, it’s more *1950s wrestling*, as the second big Evil Japanese wrestler, The Great Yamato, takes on Billy Darnell with Russ Davis, the epic ’50s announcer, on commentary!

STING, “DAS WUNDERKIND” ALEX WRIGHT & THE RENEGADE (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. RIC FLAIR, ARN ANDERSON & STUNNING STEVE AUSTIN:
(WCW The Main Event, June 4th 1995)
* Oh man, TREMENDOUS. Right in the midst of the temporary rocket push The Renegade got in WCW, and he’s paired up with top babyface Sting and Alex Wright when they were still trying with him. And it’s a trio of the top heels in the company, including future megastar Steve Austin when he was still kicking around in WCW. And poor Steve is still trying to hold onto his hair- increasingly stringy and only at the very apex of his head, now. Sting’s in orange, Wright red and Renegade in a purple fringed singlet with a goofy-ass “R” across his face, doing a lot of quasi-Ultimate Warrior mannerisms. You’d think that wouldn’t be THAT hard to do, but he somehow looks like a podunk indie loser while trying it.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have even weirder disparate stuff, as I found an FMW match featuring lucha guys for a show in LOS ANGELES- it’s Atsushi Onita, Tarzan Goto & El Hijo del Santo vs. Horace Boulder, Tim Patterson & Negro Casas! In a match Dave Meltzer’s contact said was a ***** crazy brawl, which looks a bit funny now.

Up next is another odd Kaientai/Viscera match on the D-shows, as Kaientai team up with Stevie Richards against Viscera… and the Headbangers!?! They were still around? Truly a smorgasbord perfect for Dream Matches. Then it’s a sequel to last week’s Iceberg/Phil Shatter match, as Phil is now NWA Wildside Champion and Iceberg fights him in an ECW-style match in one of many indies attempting to capture that “ECW Vibe”! Next, it’s a trio of true jobbery filth, as I found THREE Van Hammer vs. Mike Tolbert matches from the WCW D-shows! Yes, a company with 9 billion people in it and they were STILL repeating matches! With THOSE TWO GUYS in them!

ATSUSHI ONITA, TARZAN GOTO & EL HIJO DEL SANTO vs. NEGRO CASAS, HORACE BOULDER & TIM PATTERSON:
(FMW in Los Angeles, May 16th 1992)
* Oh YES! Not only do most of these guys almost never appear in this column, but it’s a weirdo grab-bag of wrestlers from all over the place! So Onita is the Ace & Booker of FMW, Goto is another big star from there, and Santo is of course a huge legend in Mexico, and massively over with the Latino crowd in LA. Casas is his big rival, Horace is the infamous “Hulk Hogan’s Shitty Nephew” of WCW fame, and Patterson… I’ve never heard of. Looks like a career jobber who randomly got pushed in UWF (as Spitball Patterson or The Bounty Hunter), then used by FMW for a couple of years. Also this is an FMW show in LOS ANGELES, explaining the luchadores (LA has a big enough Mexican population to make this salvageable). It’s a small gymnasium show, anyways, but the crowd is pretty into it already. Onita’s in HILARIOUSLY bad gear, with blue trunks (with “ONITA” on the ass) and a white tanktop, Santo’s a masked guy in grey & Goto’s a tubster in a bright yellow Andre singlet. Casas is in black, as is Horace (who is HUGE in this company) and Patterson’s a perm-mulletted guy in long black tights. One of Dave Meltzer’s contacts wrote in that this was a ***** match.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a request as the feature contest- a SIXTEEN-MAN “Tornero Cibernetico” match as two 8-man squads fight each other in a non-stop 45-minute contest!

Then it’s over to Japan for another Jumbo Tsuruta Dream Match, as he teams with Genichiro Tenryu against Billy Robinson and… BOBBY HEENAN!? Yes, THE BRAIN continues his 1984 All Japan run by acting like a boob against the Ace of AJPW! Then it’s more of Michael Shane as a WWF jobber as he takes on THE BIG BOSS MAN near the end of his run! Then the legendary Bobby Eaton/Kenny Kaos team EXPLODES on a WCW d-show as we see just how far Eaton’s career had fallen on WCW Worldwide! Finally, it’s a match I’ve wanted to check out for a while, ever since I reviewed that TNA Impact episode where Iceberg shows up- NWA Wildside indie darling Iceberg takes on Phil Shatter in a classically “early 2000s indies” match!

TORNERO CIBERNETICO MATCH:
(16-man Elimination Tag)
ATLANTIS, NEGRO CASAS, ULTIMO DRAGON, EL DANDY, SHOCKER, MASCARA MAGICA, LA FIERA & BRAZO DE ORO vs. EL HIJO DEL SANTO, FELINO, DR. WAGNER JR., SCORPIO JR., BLACK WARRIOR, SILVER KING, EL SATANICO & KEVIN QUINN:
* LOL I love that “and Kevin Quinn” at the end there. All these wild Mexican names and glorious sounding stage-names like Silver King, Black Warrior, Magic Mask and shit, and then you get the whitest name that’s ever Caucasianed at the end of it. It’d be like “And here is GWAR- Johnny Slutman, Oderus Urungus, Mr. Magico, Jaws of Death, Balsac, Hans Sphincter, and Larry Delbert!”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a popular request due to my “Mick Foley in All Japan” series- it’s Mick Foley vs. TOSHIAKI KAWADA! For the All Japan Triple Crown! For HUSTLE in 2004! Mick, fresh from destroying his body to put Randy Orton over, does a match solely for the money and tries not to embarrass himself.

Then it’s over to WCW for another Judo Suwa/Sumo Fuji match, as they take on The Public Enemy! Then I find another “Mike Awesome as a jobber” match as he teams up with Lee Scott to take on the Samoan Swat Team in WCW- come watch Lee take the mother of all jobber bumps! And finally, it’s Wrath vs. Kenny Kaos on WCW Saturday Night! Finally, it’s over to the WWF for an appearance by MICHAEL SHANE, as he acts as a WWF Metal jobber against Sho Funaki!

TRIPLE CROWN TITLE:
TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. MICK FOLEY:
(HUSTLE, 08.05.2004)
* Yes, it’s time for the OTHER big “Four Pillars vs. Mick Foley” match, as Foley travels to HUSTLE to face Toshiaki Kawada. So I read this and go “HUSTLE? What the frick is that?” and have to look THAT up- turns out it’s a then brand-new company that lasted from 2004-10, headed by UWF-I star Nobuhiko Takada and meant for a more “Sports Entertainment” thing (yes, this is the one that eventually had Great Muta spray mist into a woman’s crotch, which then laid an egg that hatched Akebono), and part of the deal was to book shit like the Triple Crown Champion of All Japan, Kawada, against mostly-retired WCW legend Bill Goldberg!

Except Goldberg backed out at the last minute (an injury during training, it says), and Mick Foley, having just barely wrestled Randy Orton in a classic violent match to put the kid over in one of his first “one last WWE match” runs, gets the phone call from his & Bill’s shared agent. In one of his books, he talks about this match being the only match he’s ever done “just for the money”, and the violent kicks he suffered caused him to start vomiting in a Japanese airport afterwards. But yeah, HUSTLE was probably desperate and just shoveled money towards an American star who can do a job. Foley tells it himself- “When my agent told me I could make Bill’s money, I told him I couldn’t walk, but I’d be in that ring!”: !”

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Having just done WrestleMania III, I figured I’d dive back into the more obscure, starting with a request- one of the only recorded NWA World Title defenses of 31-year old Terry Funk, as he takes on Jumbo Tsuruta in 1976 All Japan! Then it’s more Japanese guys fighting Americans, as Ultimo Dragon trainees Judo Suwa & Sumo Fuji come to WCW as jobbers and face down the might of DISORDERLY CONDUCT!

Then it’s a rare FAT MAN STAND-OFF from 2000 WWF! “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry, mourning Mae Young’s injury, faces down Viscera on WWF Jakked! Finally, I end with a fascinating look at 1950s wrestling, as the ORIGINAL “Evil Japanese guy named Great ___”, The Great Moto, takes on The Mighty Atlas in 1950! Come see some of the cartooniest shit possible with a cowardly heel doing his best sneakiness, and the best counter to a chop you’ll ever see!

NWA WORLD TITLE:
TERRY FUNK vs. JUMBO TSURUTA:
(All Japan, June 11th 1976)
* It’s TERRY FUNK back when he was the NWA Champion! Apparently almost no footage exists of his run (which took place nine years after Dory’s 1,000+ day run, and lasted over 400 days), with this and a Harley Race match being the only two I can find in full, so it being against AJPW’s Jumbo is interesting. Both guys are in red trunks, with Terry having blue on his ass. Terry gets an even louder reaction than Jumbo! At only 31 years old, he has hair that’s long and curly on top, and a much bulkier physique than most remember from his “middle-aged and crazy” days. Jumbo’s only like 25, and was trained in part by the Funks in Texas.

WWF WRESTLEMANIA III
(March 29th, 1987)
* Yeah, that’s right! Watching the Saturday Night’s Main Event hype show for this one actually made me want to watch it for real, and take a shot at reviewing an entire PPV! Just think: a review full of ACTUAL Dream Matches and not just ironic ones!

Other promoters have longed for the notion of a “Supercard”, but I think this one remains un-eclipsed. Despite the fact that a huge chunk of the card is throwaways, it pulls off four to five major angles in one show, gives the biggest main event in wrestling history, and sets the stage for the future!

This is the first major PPV I’ve covered here, and I figured I’d make it a bit different. Multiple people on the BOD have done recaps, so I was gonna skip that part (also my wordiness would make this 90,000 words if I tried as I blather on), so I figured I’d minimize the recaps a bit and go more into what the qualities of each match were, then talk about the angles before and after (edit: and I mostly succeed! Until the main matches, lol). The fallout of WrestleMania was huge, and I wanted to dig through Cagematch to see the matches each guy was involved in thereafter. I wanna go into the booking here, why parts of this work so incredibly well, and what happened as a result.

The Show: Sure enough, the directors understood the assignment, because we open with this HUGE shot of 78-93,000 people in the Pontiac Silverdome. Like, the floor seats are three squares long, then you go up to the first bowl, then the second HUGE bowl on top of that, and since it’s still light out, it’s all totally visible with this jam-packed crowd. This is them saying “LOOK AT THIS SHIT!”. Then Aretha Franklin does America The Beautiful as a huge flex (NWA at this point would put out some country dude, probably).

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse the Body! Bob Uecker & Mary Hart (from Entertainment Tonight, and a famous TV beauty at the time) are co-hosts. Jesse’s leather jacket with snakeskin and a do-rag is classic ’80s, never mind Gorilla’s red blazer with black pants combo, looking like your alcoholic grandpa. And this show features the amazing RING CARTS, sending guys to ringside in these itty-bitty ring-shaped carts (with the same colored ropes as WWF rings!) that help make this show look even more expensive and outlandish.

The disgusted sneer Andre the Giant shoots Hulk Hogan. Perfection.

It’s time for another “Full Show Review” as part of Dream Matches! This one is the lead-in to WrestleMania III! Featuring a battle royal, Macho Man, Ricky Steamboat, Jake Roberts & The Hart Foundation!

WWF SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT:
(March 14th, 1987)
* It’s the eve of WrestleMania III! Two weeks from now, Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan wrestle for the “first” time live on PPV. Obviously a hype show for the supercard that awaits, this show features many of the performers in the top matches, even against each other. Case in point- there’s a Battle Royal featured with HOGAN AND ANDRE in it, billed as a chance to get their hands on one another before the big show! Jesus these bookers were geniuses. Okay this is Wrestling Booking 101 to give the fans just a taste of the big matches, but still. And we open with a coked-out Hulk Hogan proclaiming Andre “broke the rules!” by turning on him and tearing the crucifix from his chest, and so Hogan entered his name into the battle royal to get his hands on his “Seven-foot-five, five-hundred pound, big nasty body!”. Meanwhile, we also have “Macho Man” Randy Savage in the final match before he takes on Ricky Steamboat at the PPV, taking on longtime rival George Steele over who gets to “keep” Elizabeth! The Hart Foundation take on WM opponent Tito Santana alongside Dan Spivey! Jake Roberts takes on King Kong Bundy! And finally, Steamboat himself gets a warm-up match against the Iron Sheik!

This show is also the origin of the popular meme of Andre’s blank face suddenly opening his eyes really wide for no apparent reason- he just stares forward while Heenan cuts a promo for him (“eyes are all you’re gonna have on Andre the Giant!”, Heenan shouts, emphasizing that the Giant will have his hands all over Hogan). Miss Elizabeth voices how this is “the most terrifying night of my life”, because of Steele wins… “he gets to keep me”. Only in wrestling can slavery be made a match stipulation! Jimmy Hart and the Hart Foundation taunt how scared Tito & Spivey are gonna be, Jim & Bret getting only one line each (is Bret taking on a Spanish accent as a rib?). Meanwhile, Jake Roberts insists that Damien hasn’t eaten in over a month, so the 400-lb. King Kong Bundy will make a delightful meal. Fuck these shows’ highlight promos are great hype.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I have a true rarity- an ACTUALLY AMAZING match- a legendary All Japan classic between Kenta Kobashi and Stan Hansen! Watch two of the best have a masterpiece in selling, persistence and the inevitability of doom! And I follow that with a match that hopes to equal its magnitude- The Undertaker vs. Kurrgan from WWF Sunday Night Heat! Watch as the stable of giants gets the most disrespectful write-off possible!

Following that, it’s “Indie Darlings as WWF Jobbers” as LOW-KI comes to the WWF and jobs out to Crash Holly on Jakked! Then it’s some beautiful jobbery goodness, as ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU jumps from WWF to WCW (seriously, did they just pick up EVERYONE?) and takes on Joey Maggs on WCW Pro in 1997, as Larry Zbyszko brings the snarky commentary in the jobber vs. jobber contest. Then it’s two rarities, as KIM CHEE (Steve Lombardi) actually gets a pair of squashes matches on WWF television in 1993, one of which is against Nick Wayne’s dad Buddy Wayne, and the other against a guy Lord Alfred Hayes can’t hide his disgust of.

STAN HANSEN vs. KENTA KOBASHI:
(All Japan, July 29th 1993)
* Oh yeah, one of the all-time most famous All Japan matches- upstart and one of the Four Pillars, young Kenta Kobashi, takes on the big grumpy veteran and major survivor of the 1980s, Stan Hansen! Hansen is into his forties here, and looks it with this giant burly figure, while Kenta is only about 26. So the idea here is the young upstart is taking on this invincible legend, and has only the power of youth and FIGHTING SPIRIT on his side. Hansen decides to murder a ring boy for getting too close trying to take streamers out of the ring, and Kobashi comes to his defense and we’re off!

Not only do I have one of the biggest, but some of the smallest- Rey Mysterio vs. Blitzkrieg and Andre the Giant in the same column!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And I have a very special one for you- for the first time since I made my obscenely expensive article header, I ACTUALLY HAVE A JIM POWERS MATCH to review! And it’s an amazing Handicap Match with Andre the Giant vs. Tito Santana & Jim Powers! Watch the lengths Andre will go to in order to prove that Jim Powers is IN NO WAY capable of hurting him, but also do his usual solid sell-job against Tito!

Next up, it’s a phenomenal WCW Nitro match between all-star high-flyers Rey Mysterio Jr. and BLITZKRIEG! And watch just how great Rey is, as he has to sell finally meeting an opponent who can match him in raw agility. Then it’s more Nitro lucha, as Psychosis takes on Lord Steven Regal for the TV Title in a long, hard-fought match! Finally, it’s Sting vs. Dangerous Dan Spivey from 1989 NWA!

HANDICAP MATCH:
ANDRE THE GIANT (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. TITO SANTANA & JIM POWERS:
(WWF Superstars, Feb. 25th 1989)
* WOO I FOUND IT AGAIN! This had disappeared off of YouTube for a while before I could review it, but it’s a fascinating look at how Andre protected his character. So this is clearly “Featured Guy and Jobbery Guy vs. Huge Star” which sets up the lesser of the two guys to take the pin, but still makes Andre look awesome because he’s taking on TWO GUYS at once, even if one is a former Young Stallion. Jim & Tito humorously have the exact same hairstyle- that “curly rows in a mullet” look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this week, I have for you another wild All Japan dream match of future stars, as KENTA KOBASHI takes on CACTUS JACK in 1991! Neither guy meant shit at this point, but how often do you see two 100% bona fide main eventer World Champions have a dream match this long before they were big stars?

Next up, it’s another Owen Hart/Yokozuna dream match, as the WWF Tag Team Champions take on The Headshrinkers, Sionne & Fatu! The latter of course being Yokozuna’s cousin in real life. And it’s weirdo babyface boots-wearing “Barbarian repackaged as the worse of a tag team” Headshrinkers, too, which is EXTRA interesting! But makes for a worse match! Also HOLY SHIT is Yoko in bad shape here! Then it’s some classic “1999 WCW” nonsense as ERIK WATTS shows up as a giant midcarder and takes on Eddie Guerrero, one of the best in the world in a meaningless D-Show!

Then it’s more WCW Worldwide, as Psychosis (led by Juventud Guerrera) takes on former Master Blaster, Al Greene! Finally, it’s a look at the troubles of a match reviewer, as I desperately looked for Michinoku-Pro multi-man matches to review, found one with some super-famous, excellent workers SURE to have a fantastic match, and ended up realizing halfway through… well, you’ll see! It’s Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada & Gran Naniwa against Kaientai- Dick Togo, Shoichi Funaki & Hanzo Nakajima!

KENTA KOBASHI vs. CACTUS JACK:
(All Japan Fancam Show, April 16th 1991)
* Yes, KOBASHI vs. FOLEY! In Japan! This is from one of Cactus Jack’s foreign forays just as he was beginning to figure out what kind of wrestler he was going to be. In All Japan, he’s basically a glorified jobber- a Western guy to come over to job to Japanese dudes in “safe” losses since he’s not gonna be there forever. But it provides some delightful “Future Dream Match” stuff, considering both of these dudes went on to become iconic World Champions and huge stars in their respective countries. But as of 1991, it’s “Pretty boy dumb rookie” vs. “American JTTS”. This is filmed on some fan’s camera at an arena show where only the big matches were filmed. Like, I can’t even tell what color their outfits are. Foley’s fat ass is still readily apparent, however.

This is what I miss most about wrestling. You don’t see stuff like THIS anymore- 1,100 lbs. of humanity clashing in the middle of the ring. You’d need like eleven Adam Coles!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a wild assortment for you tonight, starting off with my favorite pairing ever for FAT MAN STAND-OFFS, Mabel vs. Yokozuna! But it’s the Tag Champions Owen Hart & Yoko against a heel Men on a Mission, in a rare heel vs. heel clash to set up the PPV title defense against Two Dudes With Attitudes!

Next up, it’s a potential dream match of ***1/2+ capabilities with Fit Finlay vs. Eddie Guerrero… but it’s a random Nitro match while they’re feuding with other guys, so it’s probably filler! Then I try to learn about RIKI CHOSHU, one of the bigger stars I’ve practically never seen, and it’s him vs. Stan Hansen! Finally, Chris Jericho defends the WCW Cruiserweight Title against his non-union American equivalent, Lenny Lane, as he works out his early heel character! Read on!

NON-TITLE MATCH:
OWEN HART & YOKOZUNA (w/ Jim Cornette & Mr. Fuji) vs. MEN ON A MISSION (King Mabel & Mo):
(WWF RAW, Sept. 15th 1995)
* Oh man the all-time FAT MAN STAND-OFF returns, and in tag form again! This is actually Heel vs. Heel, which almost NEVER happens in the WWF so you know this was a time where the roster was depleted. King Mabel’s push had stalled out the month after SummerSlam (and his loss to Diesel), but he was about to get ready for a feud with Undertaker. He didn’t tag with Mo very much during this time, so the man who was now his hype-guy having a match was rare, never mind him taking on the heel tag team champions. Mabel’s in the black shirt with dark purple gear, while chubby Mo is in bright gold- Owen & Yoko are in the usual. Mabel being carried to the ring on a palanquin by a quartet of agonized, shaking jobbers is always hilarious to me.