Dusty & Dustin Rhodes vs. Reese & CW Anderson (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have some funny minor matches, starting off with something from Dusty Rhodes’s “Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling” micro-promotion in 2001, as Dusty, a washed-up spherical 56-year old, teams up with svelte son Dustin to take on ECW nobody CW Anderson and WCW’s failed giant Reese (now back as Ron Studd)! Then Bill Goldberg faces Stevie Ray near the start of his dominant run as a killer, with the kind of a sell of a Jackhammer you will NOT be seeing for much longer!

Then it’s WCW jobberdom as Buddy Lee Parker gets fed to Mortis at the start of the “Blood Runs Cold” feud! I try to find more “Lost Dudley Boyz” stuff with a match between Big Dick Dudley & Little Spike Dudley! Then it’s a rare appearance by Wild Bill Irwin in the WWF, as he takes on “El Matador” Tito Santana in a WWF Mania Exclusive in early 1993! And finally, it’s more DEATH ROW as he gets another shot in WCW two years after trying shit on Mike Rotunda and getting shoot-wrestled to the ground and punched in the face- here, he faces Sting!

DUSTY & DUSTIN RHODES vs. CW ANDERSON & RON STUDD:
(Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling, Aug. 2001)
* Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOO it’s Dusty Rhodes’s TCW promotion (a Georgia-based nostalgia fed that actually got TV), and he’s teaming with Dustin against two failed stars! This has disaster written all over it- I love it. Ron Studd is of course WCW’s “Reese”- a huge 7-footer who never amounted to anything and just got used as a JTTS. CW Anderson was portrayed as a “serious wrestler” in ECW’s dying days but was pretty much a Generic McWrestler nobody with no real character. He’s one of those “He was really awesome/underrated” guys I never saw a shred of star power in and is grossly overrated by the fanbase, probably because he could do basic wrestling in the dying era of ECW that had few other stars. He’s in a black singlet and Reis is in blue trunks- why is this giant dude always wearing the worst looks? Dustin has an elaborate singlet on and looks to be in shape while Dusty’s in normal clothes. Dusty is massively chubby (… you know! For a change!) and impossibly old to be wrestling… being about a year older than Dustin is today, haha. Dusty’s also doing commentary.

CW does some Memphis stalling to start, but tags in Studd, who immediately starts selling way too much, bouncing around for Bionic Elbows from both guys- things get cartoony quickly with Dusty kicking him in the nuts openly and staring at his fist before raising another elbow while Studd is wobbling around. Studd backs Dusty into the corner after another stall and Dusty is able to shrug both guys off. CW tags in and attacks Dustin from behind but runs into a clothesline- he does a good job being a boob, bouncing around and crawling over to Dusty for another elbow. Back to Studd, who stalls with a test of strength, repeatedly doing the “quits holding his hand up and stare at the jeering fans” thing, finally just armlocking Dustin down when he goes in for it. The heels work over Dustin and CW hits the Arn-style Spinebuster, doing a good job of mimicking it down to the grab & lift movements but almost coming off phony because it’s like he’s just acting the part (like why is he so “dazed” on the landing? Cuz Arn did it?). Dustin eats more offense and a bad falling elbow from Studd, who hits a bearhug, then CW attacks on the floor and gets a sleeper. Dustin fights up but eats a knee, but finally lands a DDT on Anderson for a long double-down.

In comes DUSTY with the hot tag as Studd actually bumps for the Flip, Flop & Fly, and both fall to whiffed Bionic Elbows, Studd falls into the ref, and then OH MY GOD STUDD’S BUMP. He just calmly and slowly swings his arms up, leans back, then takes the most tender, soft back bump humanly possible- that’s like how a TV sitcom would have a hapless doofus enact a wrestling bump. I’m DED. Studd falls back and accidentally crosses his arms for some reason before righting them, and eats a Dusty elbowdrop, but Steve Corino runs in (the closing of ECW made all the unmarketable dudes spread off into the U.S. indie scene like roaches), then they handcuff Dustin’s arms to the ropes. Dusty lies back (his shoes are facing the hard cam and his belly is rising OVER them) and eats feather-light boots from the heel team and Anderson pins him at (11:58). The Jobber Brigade comes out to break up the beatdown (Dustin is heavily bleeding) and HOLY SHIT Anderson just absolutely smokes the guy by missiling a chair at his head! That’s better than any move in this match, haha! I guess the heels call themselves “The Extreme Horsemen”. “Young Barry Windham” (… k, Dusty) comes in to break it up and un-cuff Dustin and I guess we have a match for the future! BUT WAIT! Young Barry hits Dustin in the back with a chair! Wait, is Russo booking the “tradition” promotion, too? Dusty ends up crawling over top of Dustin (well, Dustin’s ass anyways) as the heels keep throwing boots to them. Dastardly bad guys! They even Pillmanize Dusty’s arm (but it’s barely sold).

A fascinatingly weak match. Studd seems almost impossibly un-poised for a trained wrestler- he’s got an awkward body type so his options are limited, but he doesn’t know how to stand, look powerful, etc. Given he’s taller than Big Show for a shoot I think, it’s wild how wimpy he looks. CW worked hard but comes off very… phony. Like he’s just doing Arn Anderson Cosplay and copying the movements so exactly he comes off like he’s playing pretend. I mean, he’s doing a slugfest with Dustin and just FLAILING backwards off of every shot even though Dustin’s on his knees and CW hasn’t eaten much offense until that point. He knows HOW Arn sold but not WHY. Although… thinking about it, he’s fighting the boss and his son, so let’s just say that over-selling might be a wise decision in this particular scenario. Studd, meanwhile, hits the worst bumps I’ve ever seen, exposing the business brutally with one in particular. That should go in an all-time highlight reel of awful bumps.

Rating: 1/4* (almost a completely DUD except for CW Anderson actually putting effort into bumping- TOO MUCH, but hey- Dusty runs the place)

BILL GOLDBERG vs. STEVIE RAY:
(WCW Nitro, Jan. 5th 1998)
* Somewhat of a notable Goldberg match from what someone posted on here- Stevie Ray was a BIG dude and legit tough, and was now booked to be one of many dudes crushed by Goldberg. We’re early enough in Goldberg’s run that he’s got no pyro or the “breathing in smoke” thing and just quickly walks down the aisle. Stevie’s a babyface and his “raise the roof” gesture is mimicked by many fans, so this is already a bit iffy.

Goldberg, not really a “babyface” so much as a spree killer, attacks Stevie before the bell and knocks him down, but Stevie hops behind him on a powerslam attempt and backdrop suplexes him, then follows with a clothesline. Goldberg pops him with an elbow out of the corner and clothesline him in return, getting a much better reaction. They very obviously have a chat and Goldberg hits a big powerslam off the ropes, then does a big jumping kneedrop for two. Goldberg hits a loose, sloppy hold around the neck that the camera zooms WAY too much in on, and Stevie tries to pump the crowd up for a comeback as if Goldberg isn’t massively more popular than he is already. Goldberg just releases after another chat and charges into an elbow himself, and gets dropped with the Harlem side kick. And the finish is super-weird, as Stevie now hits a bunch of TERRIBLE worked punches on Goldberg in the corner, beating him down until the ref actually has to physically squash himself between the two big men, Stevie hauling him off and now acting like a heel with a “WTF?” look, only to turn around into a very short-range Spear (he is WAY too close to the corner so Goldberg has to just kneel down and leap into him). It’s called “a tackle” by Tony & Mike so maybe even that wasn’t set in stone yet? And the Jackhammer pins Stevie at (2:52), Goldberg getting huge cheers. And Stevie goes down for the full three and looks beat, but only 15 seconds later is up on one knee and arguing with the ref, Goldberg just looking silently at him. haha you wouldn’t see dudes recovering from the Jackhammer like THAT for long.

I was somewhat expecting a more “disagreeable” match, but this was more of a simple, if weird, worked match where Stevie recovers a bit too quickly from the finisher. Granted he’s a BIG dude and Goldberg hadn’t done much to him but that’s a bit odd considering Goldberg is being set up as a monstrous killer. The match construction was extremely odd, worked as if Goldberg was a menacing heel, attacking from behind, hitting the “fight-up” hold for Stevie’s comeback, and Stevie gesturing to the fans. But Stevie’s punches (which I must reiterate were awful- he’s no Lawler or Eaton, just missing by a foot or being way too soft on “impact”) lead to a VERY short, disappointing Spear (more of a running push instead of the “like a 747 slamming into you” normal one) and the finish. It’s more than obvious Stevie was calling it himself and was expecting to be the babyface, haha- look at him trying to get the fans into it, and getting some slick comebacks. But they weren’t biting on shit- Goldberg was the man by this point and that was that, so all of Stevie’s attempts to get them behind him just seems kind of sad and funny.

Rating: 3/4* (standard-issue Goldberg squash, if booked a bit funny and with some awful Stevie Ray punches)

Mortis’s gear is an equal mix of a great comic book look and incredibly dorky “what you scribbled in the margins of your math book in school”.

MORTIS (w/ James Vandenburg) vs. BUDDY LEE PARKER:
(WCW Main Event, March 26th 1997)
* WCW giving away this superstar match-up on the D-show, with Mortis getting the squat jobber Buddy Lee fed to him. It’s funny seeing Parker skulk about in his military fatigues while Kanyon’s doing goofy cape poses with scary 1970s organ music as his theme song. Mark Curtis is my hero for doing an official martial arts bow to Mortis before ringing the bell.

Buddy Lee actually starts us off, hitting an armbar, but Mortis backs him into the corner and flip-kicks off. You can tell he’s a martial artist because he keeps doing a “martial arts” pose right before he hits totally normal offense. He ignores Parker’s shots and hits an RVD “armbar/kick” and a Mr. Perfect necksnap. Parker keeps trying to hit gut-punches, but Mortis thrust kicks him, brings him to Vandenburg for some smack-talk, and finishes him with the original Flatliner, a Samoan drop off the bottom rope at (2:38). lol, check that motherfucker kicking out at “3.1”. Good job, Buddy. Overall as filler a squash as you’re gonna get. Mortis had some interesting offense but never really threaded the matches together all that well, and Parker was a weird combination of trying to get his shit in and being an “only punches” dweeb who was half Kanyon’s size.

Rating: 1/4* (forgettable squash made weird by Buddy repeatedly trying to punch his way out against a giant opponent)

LITTLE SPIKE DUDLEY vs. BIG DICK DUDLEY:
(ECW TV, 1998)
* My search through “The Other Dudleys” brings us to Big Dick, who was usually on the outside, being big. He’s that… “ECW big” where he’s not really big for the WWF or anything, but is fairly tall. Not much of a physique, though, but he’s got some BIG arms- he looks more intimidating that the chubby Buh-Buh Ray and is taller than D-Von. Spike was doing a huge “Giant-Killer” underdog thing with his trademark Acid Drop finisher (a running tornado Ace Crusher/Cutter).

Spike throws punches to very little effect but ducks a big shot and nails Dick in the balls, hitting a tornado bulldog for two in the big “oh this might be a quick one” spot. Dick quickly backdrops him to the floor in a big bump and press-slams him through a diagonal table against the guardrail, and we’re clipped to an Irish whip to the corner but Big Dick avalanches onto nothing and Spike javelins himself right into Dick’s nuts head-first. Okay, THAT works. Spike hits a facecrusher and goes for another tornado bulldog, but this time Dick is ready for him and swings him (barely) into a torture rack, then hits a neckbreaker out of that- the Big Dick Driver! And that finishes at (1:12 shown). Oh, uh, I was expecting an Acid Drop victory, haha.

The funny thing here is Spike is about the size and shape of Adam Cole today, but was much better at fighting to his size and selling, so his size was never an issue- he was SUPPOSED to be small and reedy. And his offense was quite good in spite of it- lots of quick jabs and forearms to stun the guy just a tad, then the rest of his offense is flinging himself at the opponent and hoping for the best. But the match is just over super quickly and mostly pays off that Spike eventually runs out of options, especially if he spams his move out early and now the guy’s ready for it.

Rating: 1/2* (effective for what it was- a rapid sprint of Spike whipping out everything he could, but as soon as Big Dick got on his big offense he won)

“EL MATADOR” TITO SANTANA vs. WILD BILL IRWIN:
(WWF Mania, Jan. 16th 1993)
* Santana, in his last year with the WWF, is in a “Mania Exclusive” as he takes on Wild Bill in his regular gimmick and name- the future Goon was a territory guy, here sporting a huge curly mullet and a bullwhip. He’s got much more of a gimmick than you’d usually see for a job guy, suggesting this miiiiiiiiiiiight be a tryout, or just some time-filler.

El Matador wins some basic sequences and hiptosses Irwin to the floor in a big bump. Irwin takes a few more hiptosses and a lazy armhold before dropping Tito with a back elbow. He grinds away on Santana but takes an arrogant cover with a gutwrench suplex and has to settle for a chinlock. Irwin clips Tito out of a sunset flip and does the “walk & stomp” routine, smacking and shoving Tito around, but charges into the corner and takes some punches, but catches Tito with his head down and nails him. The crowd is just dead for this- neither guy matters. Tito runs into a boot in the corner, but gets his own boot up when Irwin comes off with the Flying Nothing and hits the flying forearm to knock him to the floor. But Irwin actually catches him on the apron and hits a slingshot splash, getting his feet on the ropes for two- FINALLY, Tito reverses a whip and hits the gut-punch to set up El Paseo de Muerte (leaping punch to a bent-over opponent’s head), pinning Irwin at (5:34).

A pretty forgettable, generic match between two heatless guys- technically fine with a few more tricks than your average squash would, as Irwin got almost all of the traditional comeback spots (elbows, boots, etc.), enabling them to swing momentum around repeatedly to fill time. Irwin was capable if not exactly exciting, but it was a pretty cold match to be going that long.

Rating: ** (“it’s fine” is about all you can say)

STING vs. DEATH ROW:
(WCW TV, Oct. 31st 1992)
* Yes, two years after the Death Row/Mike Rotunda disaster (where the rookie tries to get his shit in and Mike shoot-wrestles him down and then punches him in the face for real), Death Row is back in WCW as a jobber. Tragically, he’s not wearing a shirt, so his gimmick name seems a bit weird in black trunks. His “hair in the back of his neck” is now in a ponytail. Sting’s in all pink.

Sting wrestles Death Row down with some clumsy arm stuff (DR being SUPER FAT and unathletic is probably affecting his attempts at rolling him over with that armbar, lol), then he gets caught with a clothesline and clubbed when he tries a powerslam. But Sting ducks another clothesline and slams him, Jesse Ventura marking out on commentary for how high you have to lift someone on that move (“and at 370 pounds?!”- Tony). Death Row comes back with a whip, but Sting dodges him and a rollup gets two. Stinger Splash & Scorpion Deathlock finish for the Stinger at (2:31).

Rating: 1/2* (Not bad, but the same Sting Formula as always, lol- I never get the PPV matches on this column so every Sting match is largely interchangeable. Beating up a big guy always looks good, though, so I rate it a 2.5/5 on the Squash Scale)