The SmarK Rant for Lucha Underground S01E38/39 – “ULTIMA LUCHA!”

The SmarK Rant for Lucha Underground – S01E38 / S01E39

“ULTIMA LUCHA”

So we’ve come to the end of season one, and I figured I’d just wrap it up with a PPV-sized rant covering the last two episodes.

ULTIMA LUCHA PART ONE!

Taped from the Aztec Temple

Your hosts are Matt Striker & Vampiro

Meanwhile, Dario is all dressed up for the big night, but first he stops by the dungeon in his basement to check on his brother, THE MONSTER MATANZA, and delivers some lore to Black Lotus, who is trapped in another cage and working out with nothing better to do.

Falls Count Anywhere:  The Mack v. Brian Cage

Cage attacks him at the top of the stairs and they brawl up there, where Cage slams him onto the roof of the office.  Luckily it’s been reinforced since the last time someone got slammed through it, notes Matt.  But then Mack slams Cage onto the wooden bleachers for two.  Cage grabs a chair and smashes it on Mack’s head, but Mack’s head is so hard that Cage flies backwards and through the door behind him.  I’m sure that defies some law of physics but everything is legal here anyway.  Cage with a stop sign for two, but Mack breaks a 2×4 on Cage’s back and then finds a cooler in Dario’s office and hits him with that, spraying ice all over the place.  But not ICE, thankfully.  A beer-assisted stunner gets two in a great spot.  They finally head into the ring for the first time, but Cage goes to the top and Mack powerbombs him from the apron and through a table, which again only gets two.  They go back up the stairs and fight onto the top of the office again, where Mack hits a spinebuster onto a garbage can for two.  Cage clotheslines him over the railing and then suplexes him back onto the office roof, as they’re just trying to break that damn thing now.  That gets two.  Cage finds a cinder block there, and delivers a curb stomp onto that, breaking the block, and that finally ends it at 7:55.  I love that the ridiculous notion of cinder blocks laying around are literally explained as “Dario Cueto loves violence and deliberately left them there to be used.”  This was awesomely stupid and probably Cage’s best match ever.  ****1/2

Trios title:  Son of Havoc, Ivelisse & Angelico v. The Disciples of Death

Ivelisse is still on crutches so I don’t imagine she’s gonna be very active here.  The masked men are Bario Negro, Trece & Sinistro de la Muerte although the actual guys are just recycled curtain jerkers in scary masks.  Argenis, Ricky Mandel and someone else  named Loco that I don’t know.  Two of the Disciples double-team Havoc in the corner while Bario beats on Angelico on the floor.  But then the babyfaces fight back with stereo dives on either side of the ring, and Ivelisse chokes out Sinistro with her crutches.  Back in the ring, Angelico hits Bario with a shooting star for two.  The Disciples put Ivelisse in a stretch muffler (but on the good leg for some reason despite her wearing a giant walking boot on the other leg) but Havoc breaks that up.  Sinistro and another Disciple run Havoc crotch-first into the post, ensuring there won’t be Son of Son of Havoc, but Angelico dives off the balcony and hits the Disciples with a bodypress in a crazy spot.  So Catrina takes things in her own hands and uses the magic stone to revive her team, prompting a fight with Ivelisse.  But then Catrina knocks out Ivelisse with the stone and one of the Disciples pins her to win the title at 6:30.  And Catrina delivers a final lick of death to Ivelisse, which is pretty awesome of her.  Match wasn’t much outside of the big dive.  *1/2

Believer’s Backlash:  Drago v. Hernandez

But first, Striker and Vampiro enjoy a refreshing Miller Lite beer and tell us how delicious and refreshing it is.  Nothing like light beer to sell the underground asthetic. So the gimmick here is that “fans” are surrounding the ring with straps, and they get to use them on Hernandez to get revenge on him for his shit-talking.  So Hernandez tosses Drago right away, but the fans just help him up.  So Hernandez heads out to take care of it himself, but the fans whip him with the belts and chase him up the stairs and then back into the ring again.  Back in, Drago sends him to the floor and the fans whip him again, but he steals one of the straps and they all back off in fear.  Back in the ring, Hernandez with a slingshot shoulderblock and he goes up with a diving headbutt, but that misses and Drago makes the comeback.  Drago with a DDT, but Hernandez blocks a sunset flip and then blocks a small package.  Drago manages to roll him up into a Seat Belt for two.  Hernandez powers up and hits Drago with a border toss out of the ring and onto the pile of “fans”, but then he follows with a dive and Drago sprays him with mist to counter.  Hernandez suffers more whipping from the fans, but Drago pulls out nunchuks and beats on him as well before putting him on a table and splashing through that.  And back in, Drago gets the pin at 8:40.  This was fine and not much more.  **1/4

Meanwhile, El Dragon Azteca tries to get into the Temple, in order to save Black Lotus, despite a prophecy saying he will DIE should he enter.

ULTIMA LUCHA PART TWO!

Your hosts are Matt Striker & Mike Schiavello, subbing for Vampiro.

Alberto el Patron v. Johnny Mundo

Alberto chases Johnny outside to start and runs him into the office wall and then into the announce table, working on the arm to set up the armbar, presumably.  Johnny hides under the ring to escape and finds a chair and a handful of dirt as weapons to take over.  Johnny puts the boots to him, and back in for two.  Mundo with the chinlock, but Patron fights back, so Johnny hits him with a running knee for two. Mundo goes up and Alberto kicks him down and brings him in with a superplex.  They slug it out and Mundo runs him into the corner, but he misses a charge and Alberto makes the comeback with a backbreaker.  Backstabber gets two.  Superkick misses and Johnny hits him with an enzuigiri for two.  Alberto misses a charge and Mundo gets his own backstabber for two.  Mundo goes up and misses a 450, so Patron clotheslines him to the floor, but he charges and Mundo boots him to block.  Johnny with his own dive, and back in Alberto hits him with a double stomp in the corner to put him down again.  Alberto with the armbar off that, but Johnny quickly makes the ropes to break.  Alberto puts the boots to him in the corner, but misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Johnny to hit his own double stomp in the corner.  The End of the World gets two off that, and we get SHOCKED TWO COUNT FACE.  Alberto goes for the arm again, but Mundo pulls the ref in the way of the superkick and he’s out.  So Alberto gets the armbar and Mundo is tapping with no ref.  But then Melina makes her return to wrestling, hits Alberto with the AAA belt, and Mundo finishes with the End of the World at 13:44.  This was the most WWE-coded match ever in Lucha Underground, with the ref bump, shocked two count face, interference finish, and general pacing right out of the WWE agenting playbook.  It was like both guys were auditioning to go back to WWE, which they probably were, if we’re being honest.  It was a really GOOD WWE match, but not what I wanted out of this promotion.  ***1/2

Afterwards, Patron puts Mundo through the office window to get revenge, and spanks Melina in a spot that’s much ickier these days, and Mundo is busted open.

Meanwhile, Dragon Azteca breaks into Dario’s basement dungeon to rescue Black Lotus, but she turns on him and chokes him out due to Dario’s brainwashing earlier in the show.  And he’s…dead?  This is apparently good enough for Dario, who frees her…and someone else.

Vampiro v. Pentagon

This is a ZERO MIEDO match, which means it’s yet another anything goes brawl.  Hey, Dario knows what he likes.  Vampiro is back in full makeup again, and they immediately brawl on the floor, where Penta pulls up the mats and slams him on the concrete.  Penta just beats on him with a chair, destroying him until Rick Knox throws up the dreaded X symbol and calls off the match at 2:24, as Vamp goes out on a stretcher and we take a break.

Back with Penta in the ring celebrating, but Vamp fights his way off the stretcher and we’re back on.  Vamp makes a comeback with a leg lariat and he dumps thumbtacks all over the ring and slams Penta onto those.  But then he goes up and misses a dive, landing on the tacks himself.  So Penta fights a light tube and breaks that on his head before stabbing him in the head with the broken glass.  Vamp is busted open, so Penta finds more tubes and starts beating on Vampiro with leg kicks while Vamp absorbs the damage.  Penta sets up a tube in the corner and charges, but Vamp tosses him into that and rips at Penta’s mask before grabbing another tube and smashing it on Penta’s head.  Penta goes up, but Vamp slowly follows him up and slams him off the top and onto the glass/tacks pile before heading to the floor.  Vamp sets up a table in the ring and lights it on fire, but Penta slams him through it and Vamp is the one on fire, allowing Penta to pin him at 7:16.  And then Vampiro yells at Penta to go ahead and snap his arm, so Penta obliges.  And then he demands to see his Master so he can show him what he’s done, but Vampiro reveals that HE is the Master, and Penta has passed his test.  Obviously I knew the big twist going in, but this was a hell of a payoff.  Match was 100% smoke and mirrors to protect the broken down Vampiro with all the goofy shit, but that’s exactly what it needed to be.  ****

Gift of the Gods:  Sexy Star v. Fenix v. Jack Evans v. Big Ryck v. Aerostar v. Bengala v. King Cuerno

Winner of this gets the Gift of the Gods belt, which is your standard magic briefcase deal.  Ryck immediately tosses everyone out of the ring, but they all gang up on him and stomp him down.  Aerostar hits Fenix with a dive to the floor, but he dives off the apron and Fenix powerslams him on the floor.  Back in the ring, Evans flips over Cuerno and kicks him down, but misses a Space Flying Tiger Drop and gets booted down.  Back in the ring, Sexy Star kicks on Bengala and goes up, but lands on Bengala’s knees and that gets two.  Ryck throws Evans out again and then throws Sexy onto him and continues beating on everyone again on the floor, but Aerostar dives from the sky onto the pile.  Sexy Star teases her own dive, but Marty the Moth hits the ring and joins the match, I guess.  She dropkicks him out of the ring and Matry hides behind Melissa Santos, and then Sexy dives onto the pile.  Ryck pulls her into the ring and misses a charge, and Star takes him down with the least convincing rana in human history.  Cuerno hits her with his sitout slam and the ring is cleared again, allowing Evans to guillotine Aerostar.  Aerostar escapes with a DDT, but Sexy breaks it up at two.  She rolls up Aerostar for two, but Ryck hits him with Ryck Bottom, which is pretty witty.  And then Daivari runs in and turns on Ryck with a chairshot for some reason, and Evans hits Ryck with a 450 for two.  Cuerno saves and takes out Jack with a clothesline and puts Evans in the surfboard sleeper, but Fenix breaks that up.  Evans cradles Fenix for two, but he tries a submission move and Fenix reverses into a Fire Driver for the pin and the belt at 12:22 to earn a title shot “at some point”.  I dunno, this didn’t work for me at all, and just felt a bunch of guys doing stuff with no real flow to it.  Ryck in particular stuck out like a sore thumb.  **

Texano v. Blue Demon

This is No DQ, because Dario loves violence.  This was set to be Demon v. Chavo, but an injury to Chavo meant they had to sub In Texano basically at the last minute.  Texano clears the ring of Demon’s crew and suplexes him for two before beating on him with chops in the corner.  Cortez and Cisco run in for a beatdown and Demon grabs his kendo stick, but Chavo makes  the save with a chair…and then turns on Texano to join up with Blue Demon.  And Demon pins Texano at 2:50.  This was basically just an angle.

Lucha Underground title:  Prince Puma v. Mil Muertes

This is also no DQ, because Dario loves violence.  I assume the concession stands and bathrooms are also no DQ at this point. Puma flips into a headscissors and dropkicks him, but Muertes no-sells it and tosses him.  They fight into the crowd and Mil wins that battle, so Puma grabs Catrina and uses her as a weapon, swinging her heels at Muertes to turn the tide.  Muertes clears the front row and tosses Puma into the empty chairs, but Puma flips off the barricade and then dives off the apron with a kick and sets up a table.  But Mil rams him into the table and powerbombs him on the stairs before grabbing a chair.  Puma dropkicks it back into his face and tries to hit him with a dive, but Muertes counters with a chairshot and Puma ricochets off it and into the aisle, thanks to the power of Catrina’s magic stone.  Puma comes back with a double stomp, and Muertes misses a charge and hits a chair in the corner, for two.  Puma goes up and misses a Phoenix splash, and Muertes powerslams him for two.  Mil beats on him with clotheslines in the corner, but Puma fights back with a rolling Pele kick and northern lights suplex and fisherman’s suplex for two.  Muertes dumps him to the apron and spears him out of the ring and through the table at ringside, although it almost missed and didn’t really break it.  So Muertes powerbombs him through the remain to break it properly, and that gets two.  Muertes chokeslams him, but Puma makes a comeback with superkicks to set up the 630 splash.  But it only gets two.  So Puma goes up and misses a second one, which would have made, like, 1260 total, and Muertes spears him.  Muertes with the Flatliner for two off that.  Muertes is sucking wind like crazy here, completely blown up.  Puma goes up again, but Catrina uses the magic stone to revive Mil, and he pops up and delivers a Flatliner from the top for the pin and the title at 17:31.  Not a surprising finish, as Muertes was clearly pushed as the biggest star all season long.  And all the Death Disciples pose in the ring to end the show.  Kind of a downer way to go out.  ***

But first, Dario and Black Lotus take all the money out of his office and flee the Temple, and they’ve got someone in the back of their truck.

Meanwhile, Marty the Moth has kidnapped Sexy Star and has her tied up in the back.

Meanwhile, Son of Havoc and Angelico ride off to get their titles back.

Meanwhile, Drago and Aerostar engage in pyrotechnics in the back.

Meanwhile, Penta and his new Master are plotting, and we’re finally done.

Man this had more false finishes than Return of the King.

I don’t remember the overall feelings at the time, but for me, this one didn’t stick the landing.  It was a lot of a lot and needed to have 45 minutes chopped off, to be honest.  The Dario character loves violence, so EVERY match was suddenly no-DQ.  And they loved spooky Mexican lore, so EVERY match had some complex wacky backstory to it.  It was definitely very cool and very different from what WWE was doing, but they were better off with the hour-long quick-hit episodes rather than trying to stretch things out to a PPV length show.  It just didn’t play to their strengths.  Still, a couple of great matches makes this worth watching, I think.

The impending debut of MATANZA is an interesting direction but I don’t think there’s enough here to carry on with it any longer.  I’ve had my fill of the Temple for a while.  But this was a fun and different season of wrestling to review and I’m glad I managed to wrap it up.