“Rowdy” Roddy Piper & Dick Slater vs. Giant Baba & Jumbo Tsuruta (and other Dream Matches!)

Hey all! Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a TRULY wild assortment, leading off with the craziest 1983 match possible- “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER in All Japan as he teams with Dick Slater to face Giant Baba and Jumbo Tsuruta! Three of the all-time legends and huge stars in Jumbo/Piper/Baba, with some very NWA-style offense by Roddy, who’s unable to use his mouth to get him maximum heat in a foreign country.

Then I found an indie match that couldn’t POSSIBLY be good, as X-Pac faces WCW’s Evan Karagias in a godforsaken high school gym in **2006** with a fat, bloated Scott Hall as his second! Then it’s a crazy Lucha Trios Match as Norman Smiley, Negro Casas & Pirata Morgan team up to face Love Machine Art Barr, Ultimo Dragon & El Vampiro! And finally, I went looking for more Indie stuff on that X-Pac/Karagias channel and found Teddy Hart vs. The Amazing Red from 2004 Jersey All-Pro Wrestling!

NWA INTERNATIONAL TAG TEAM TITLES:
GIANT BABA & JUMBO TSURUTA vs. “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER & DICK SLATER:
(All Japan, 6/3/83)
* I’m sorry, WHAT? PIPER vs. JUMBO!?! With Slater & Baba in it, too? This is freaking nuts! I know almost everyone did an All Japan tour at some point back in the day (Baba had some deep pockets, I think), but seeing stuff like Piper a few years before he peaked and Slater of all people as his partner against the two big All Japan legends? It’s so wild! Piper’s in his kilt and a red shirt and I just realized I was thinking Slater was Murdoch but no- this is that weird WCW undercard dork but way back in the day. Piper in Japan will be interesting, because the language barrier takes away his greatest advantage (his promos)- notably, SLATER gets a bigger reaction. Turn out Roddy had only been in the country for two weeks- no way did the fans know him. He kisses one of the tag belts in the prelude. Jumbo’s in black & Baba’s in red, and even in 1983 Baba looks like he’s dead. Slater’s trunks are dark red, and Piper has these boss green ones.

Slater plays “wily veteran” with Jumbo, countering him a bunch and using speed (at one point, Piper leaps in the way of the corner so Slater won’t take the bump). Slater sits in a headlock a while, pulling hair to win a wristlock war and we finally get PIPER/JUMBO. Except Piper hilariously wins a test of strength against his much larger opponent and Jumbo has to use speed & technique to counter him. In comes Baba, and he pays back Piper a chop that sends Roddy SIDEWAYS through the ropes, threading through so smoothly even Baba looks like “WTF?” over it. The heels finally double-team Baba and work the arm a bit, then Piper has to oversell all of Baba’s awkward, ungainly stuff as devastating. Baba straight-up no-sells his eye gouge and Jumbo comes in, then goes back out (haha did he forget the plan?) to hit the top rope and Piper does a goofy cartoon sell of a flying attack, but boots Jumbo and in comes Slater, who works Jumbo over with some very tightly-applied stuff and some real effort. Watching Piper attempt the same just makes him look like a fraud, even as Slater shoves him down to make an armhold hurt worse. Piper hauls off to the Champs’ corner and hits both guys, leading to Baba simply running in and breaking up his figure-four as they’re just eating him alive now, haha. The fans are super not into any of this, only really cheering for Baba.

Piper lands a kneelift and neckbreaker on Jumbo, then some double-teaming leads to a piledriver, which Baba breaks from the apron. Slater misses a falling headbutt and gets double-booted to the floor, then flat-backs off of Baba’s ridiculously soft back elbow for two, and Piper has to save him from an abdominal stretch. Jumbo with an atomic drop & piledriver as Piper tries to break it up but Jumbo’s like “NOPE!”. But Slater wins a strike war with good old American brawling and Roddy comes in with a sleeperhold until Baba hits a chop that couldn’t break an egg to release the hold. A double-elbow and double-atomic drop work over Baba when he comes in (his bumping is not quite believable), but Jumbo breaks up a pin and Baba magically springs to life, just giving these guys NOTHING. Jumbo hits his Jumbo Knee to Slater, then Piper! But Piper immediately recovers with a backdrop suplex and Baba nails him, leading to a donnybrook. Baba hits the floor, but when Piper tries an O’Connor Roll, Baba’s up with a chop and Piper flings back, eating Jumbo’s Lou Thesz Press for the pin (16:22).

This was such a weird match- Roddy Piper unable to draw any kind of heat is a bizarre experience. He was likely there as a “pin-eater” and the fans didn’t know him, and he couldn’t draw heat with his promos either, and Japan doesn’t really go for the whole “sneaky cheating heel” thing either so he was stuck. Bobby Heenan was the same way- they just come off as weaklings and aren’t treated as anything by the All Japan faithful. Watching Slater of all people outwork Piper was hilarious, as he put in all kinds of flourish into his stuff, coming off like Harley Race Lite in there. Giant Baba was in NO mood to sell, though, clearly ignoring several Piper moves and walking in and breaking up pins, swallowing up both guys himself at points (but being more generous with Slater), but Jumbo did the lion’s share of the work, selling AND hitting most of the moves. His knees looked great though weren’t match-enders. Piper’s stuff was mostly fine, but not that impressive- technical stuff like “NWA Lite” but there’s a reason he was known as more of a wildman/brawler wrestler- it’s a bit too loose and his selling too cartoony, especially for this crowd. All in all, it wasn’t that over and seemed to be treated more like a run of the mill title defense instead of this big dramatic feud-ender or anything. Though most of them gave a pretty good effort.

Rating: **1/2 (not actively bad, but merely “pretty good” most of the way through, albeit with very little heat from the heels or shine from the babyfaces, as Baba kept interrupting things)

X-PAC (w/ Scott Hall) vs. EVAN KARAGIAS:
(TNT Pro Wrestling, Oct. 26th 2006)
* Oh my god… X-PAC! vs. Evan Karagias! In *2006*! There is NO CHANCE this is good! I love it! So this is after X-Pac’s seemingly never-ending WWE run actually ended. Like nearly every indie I’ve ever seen, this one takes place on the East Coast. Did the West Coast not have many indies or what? This is very obviously in a high school gym, and Scott Hall stumbles out to what is probably a single stereo playing the Wolfpac theme, doing his trademark mannerisms. X-Pac actually looks pretty skinny and fit here, as I’m mortified that he was beyond washed up and donezo here at THIRTY-FOUR. Karagias is actually only a year younger than X-Pac, and has kept in shape. Hilariously, this is his first match in TWO YEARS and his last for another three, and he looks like he’s terrified out of his wits- just a deer in headlights. He’s in baggy pants and is dwarfed by the announcer.

We start off with X-Pac psyching Karagias out with martial arts poses and quick movements while Evan pretends to be tripped by Hall and tells the ref. Then, wonder of wonders, we do an International (STILL Evan’s go-to) but X-Pac goes to chops and dumps him (“Oh JESUS” some overly-touchy fan mutters by the cameraman), then we go to the floor while dorks take turns trying to shout over each other to get themselves over (“I’d rather be in Chyna!”). Evan scores two chops of his own, one right to the throat and X-Pac very much gives him a receipt via a paintbrush to the face. X-Pac does a super-weak version of his kick series (only two kicks before the spinkick) but goes for the Bronco Buster, missing when Hall slugs Evan and he moves on the sell (Hall’s “oh WHOOPS” face is the highlight of the match). Evan scores the lightest overhands possible while Pac just lays there like he’s stoned (yeah, “like”) before he mutters something like “Fuckin’ hit me and I’ll beat your fucking ass” or something, then eggs on Evan to hit him more. Evan then slowly fights him into a vertical suplex & neckbreaker, but misses a twirling move off the top and eats a spinkick, then X-Pac’s roundhouse sets up the Bronco Buster & X-Factor… but he pulls him up at two! And we get the ending of X-Pac TAGGING SCOTT HALL so we can all see his overweight drunk ass hit the Razor’s Edge on Evan and pins him at (4:54).

Somehow better and worse than I thought it would be, as instead of botchy it was kept to the bare minimum, with 5 minutes spent on some basic nonsense then a “send the fans home happy” (?) ending of Hall hitting his finisher. Just lazy guys being lazy and hitting their regular spots (and whatever Evan’s spots are).

Rating: 1/2* (a minimum effort nonsense match)

LOVE MACHINE, ULTIMO DRAGON & EL VAMPIRO vs. BLACK MAGIC, NEGRO CASAS & PIRATA MORGAN:
(Arena Mexico’s 59th Anniversary, 9/18/1992)
* Now THIS is the kind of bizarre lucha match I love to see. Eddie Guerrero’s old partner Art Barr, Ultimo Dragon & Vampiro on one side, and Norman Smiley, Negro Casas & Pirata Morgan on the other! Art Barr would be a big heel star in Mexico before dying young. Ultimo became a bigger deal in the US & Japan as one of the popular Juniors of his era, and Vampiro was a HUGE star in Mexico despite no appreciable talent. Casas is a GOAT contender worker, Pirata was a big star in Mexico, and Smiley as “Black Magic” is I’m pretty sure “Just A Guy” over there.

PRIMERA CAIDA: Pirata jumps Vampiro before the bell and annihilates him on the floor, leading to Vamp deliberately letting blood drip all over ringside. The clusterfuck brawl won’t relent for a few minutes, though often has guys (mostly Barr, who ain’t in a working mood apparently, lol) standing around. Vampiro is pretty over for such a terrible wrestler, but gets his ass kicked by Morgan again, flopping around all oddly and stuff- man everything this guy does looks all flaily and “off” somehow. Like he “gets hit” and sorta flops onto the mat onto one knee, lurching his body forward and flailing his arm onto the mat. It just doesn’t LOOK right. Then Smiley accidentally nails Morgan and goes flying over the top rope on a charge, then Casas & Ultimo immediately do a 120 mph sequence where Ultimo backdrops him, throws his kick series (Casas does my favorite botch- the “sell one too many times” one, where he thinks another shot is coming and sells it even though Ultimo didn’t do anything), then slowly Germans him for three. haha, in a single move? Never mind that Casas actually had to pull his legs in to complete the pin. Vampiro & Smiley fight over a suplex on the floor (cheerleaded by Love Machine), ending with Vampiro scoring the move. This I guess gives Vampiro’s team the win via Count-Out at (5:20).

SEGUNDA CAIDA: Vampiro gets triple-teamed, which I guess is what it takes to make him sell, but when he fires back the technicos charge the ring. Man are Ultimo & Casas only working with each other? Nobody else is taking Ultimo’s stuff! Norman does a backroll bump and ends up shitcanning to the apron in what looks like it hurt, and Love Machine clotheslines him back in. The two go next, Machine stops selling and beats on him, but hits the corner and sells again, then stops to hit a clothesline and corner punches- Casas knocks him off and Vampiro uses his famous athleticism to “give chase”, clunkily lurching around and chasing him into Ultimo’s waiting kicks, then realizing he doesn’t have anything to add and just slinks back to his corner without doing anything, haha. Everyone fights again and Vampiro takes the worst of it from Smiley. Ultimo goes balls-first into the post via Morgan and the rudos triple-team Vampiro in the ring, fighting off his allies and ignoring the referees until they’re finally Disqualified at (7:16) for kicking too much ass. The good guys win two straight!

Ooof Vampiro was so bad. Like this isn’t exactly a mystery but the dude is ridiculously stiff and clunky, like a board- watch him try to sell strikes or chase a guy around the ring (taking a slow hop down out of the corner into the ring, realizing he can’t leap to the apron, then hitting the apron and the floor, then realizing he has nothing more to add to the spot and giving up). Man, it’s blatantly obvious that Casas is the only one they trust to sell any of Ultimo’s shit. ALL Ultimo’s moves are against him. Most everyone else was in lazy-mode throughout except for good ol’ Norman, who’s bouncing around like nuts, selling, etc. Like, look at Art Barr there barely even trying to do anything! Ultimo & Casas worked hard in their bit, but it was like 20 seconds long!

Rating: ** (typical “lazy Sunday” lucha match- decent brawling but as soon as Vampiro has to DO stuff it’s awful)

THE AMAZING RED vs. TEDDY HART (w/ Jill Love & Teddy Hart’s Security):
(Jersey All-Pro Wrestling, April 24th 2004)
* Yes, I finally tackle Teddy Hart in this column. Why? I dunno I saw him show up on this list of weird indie matches and was like “have I actually seen him wrestle? I forget”. I remember hearing of his debut and he got a LOT of hype, but even at that point I read recaps of him hitting flashy move after flashy move and was like “… is he just doing all the big moves?”. Like nowadays we dismiss that style as “MOVEZ” but back then we old folks called them regular-old “Spotfests”. But I might have seen Teddy wrestle in TNA or something. In any case, he was such a fuckup that even with his legacy and moveset he was blackballed from any serious company good and early, and his legitimate insanity and weird lifestyle served to make him more of a cautionary tale. And there’s pretty solid evidence he’s an actual murderer after his girlfriend disappeared. In any case, with his body tone and douchey spiked hair, he looks like every antagonist in a 1998-2004 teen sex comedy. Red is one of those indie darlings that never really moved beyond “TNA Midcarder” for a variety of reasons (none of which I really know, but undersized flippy guys were not exactly hard to find even in 2004). JAPW was one of a billion east coast companies. This is so “2004 indies” that both guys are in giant baggy tights, and Red hides his body inside a shirt of shame.

They do an epic amount of stalling to begin, then Teddy bites Red and takes a few weird bumps (Red kicks him and Teddy bumps at odd angles to the shots) before hitting a cobra clutch legsweep and DDT, keeping a tight grip but with mannerisms more akin to Brian Christopher. That’s… not a compliment. Red with some Tajiri kicks, booting him off the top so Teddy Hart Security (five white guys in white t-shirts) catch him to prevent a larger bump, but Red follows with a somersault dive that barely gets a reaction. Red keeps up the kicks (slapping his thigh on each one, of course) while the five dorks are already up and barely rubbing their noses to sell, but Teddy counters a Nash choke with a tight legscissors. The commentator refers to Teddy’s consistent (ie. this single one?) armholds as “psychology” and Teddy gets a Ligerbomb for two.

Teddy keeps choosing the most obvious ways to call spots ever (sticking his face into Red’s neck for no reason between forearms and holding it there) and does a powerslam/cutter. Then he fucks around for a while before doing a… that was a backdrop suplex flipped into a bulldog if he’d done it right (which he didn’t). He stops a comeback with an uppercut and they fuck around in the stands for a while, then Teddy moonsaults everyone on the floor, nailing his own dudes. He then makes kisses with his “true love” Jill Love for so long that Red recovers, then he drags Jill around for… something that isn’t apparent (she isn’t terribly convincing at being scared). Then they fuck around in the stands a while again until Teddy gets suplexed into a group of Security and fans in the bleachers (yes the actual fans get hit). After SIX MINUTES of this, Red hits a bulldog off the second rope for two and OH MY GOD, Jill misses her cue for pulling Red’s leg, so she’s trying to prevent him from climbing the ropes, but just shouts and waits for him to get to the top, then goes for his ankle AGAIN and crotches him this time. haha I think the announcer ran over to inform her of the proper move. And Teddy thus hits a Corkscrew Senton Bomb off the top for the three at (15:47). Another generic indie guy (that’s Trent Acid, apparently!) comes out and beats up the Security goons, but Teddy walks out instead.

hahaha oh my god I was expecting “Indie Flipfest/MOVEZ” and instead got “total dogshit lazybones match” as it’s just two guys fucking around for 4-5 minute stretches of nothing, including several moments that are blatantly the “Spot-rest-spot” stuff they don’t even do nowadays, like where Teddy throws some stomps, hits a cutter, then throws some more stomps & forearms, then another cutter, separating the moves with this meaningless piffle. And then SIX MINUTES of fighting on the floor, consisting entirely of punches to the forehead and slamming guys into stuff, right into the ending sequences, which has an embarrassing mistake and then Teddy finishes. I mean this would have been complete dogshit even WITHOUT that botch, but with it this should have been a tape-trader’s masterpiece as a Worst of All Time Contender. I mean, I wasn’t expecting GOOD, but I expected to dunk on a spotfest, not “well the checks haven’t been going through, so….” non-effort crapfest.

Rating: DUD (a spectacular mess- a lazy indie match mixed with a Spot-Rest-Spot match mixed with incompetent heeling, Teddy’s 0/10 Charisma and a botched finish)