Jacob Fatu vs. La Parka (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I decided to look at the ACTUAL Jacob Fatu, not just his dad! Seeing as how he’s the hot new thing, I wanted to see more of his past stuff. I was given three of his “best matches” to choose from, and this was the only one where I’d actually heard of the opponent, so here it is first! It’s Jacob Fatu, current WWE Bloodline enforcer, vs. the former La Parka, now called L.A. Park! Next up, it’s another David Von Erich match, as zbinks linked me to him vs. Flair AND Harley Race- here, it’s 1977 and Race faces the “Rookie of the Year” in his new career as a wrestler, working overtime to put the young kid over and make him look like he has a chance!

Finally it’s more of the “Current Bloodline Stars’ Dads” as we get Sika again teaming up with Kamala, this time facing the Young Stallions, Paul Roma & Jim Powers, in the battle of the lowest ranked tag teams in 1987 WWF! Then it’s the Islanders, Haku & Tama, in a babyface vs. babyface match against the Can-Am Connection, Rick Martel & Tom Zenk! Babyface vs. Babyface was ultra-rare on WWF TV, and usually the sign of something being up- I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE?!

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS:
MLW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
JACOB FATU (w/ Joseph Samael) vs. L.A. PARK (w/ Selena Delarenta):
(Major League Wrestling, Nov. 2nd 2019)
* Yes, I decided to check out what WWE new hire Jacob Fatu was doing back in his earlier years! And of the three matches said to be his best by the BOD, this one featured a guy I’ve actually heard of as his opponent so I’m going with this one. It’s WCW’s La Parker, no longer the World’s Fattest Cruiserweight but a huge lucha legend and big-guy brawler. Jacob at this point is a semi-short, very rotund guy billed at 300 lbs., sporting a huge solid gut and man-boobs- a far cry from his current self. L.A. Park says something in Spanish, adding “puta!”, which of course is one word most English speakers learned, lol. You can tell wrestlers have shrunk a lot when the guy who was almost believable as a WCW Cruiserweight is about the same size as WWE’s current new monster heel.

They start off exchanging blows and no-sold snap Germans (Park deliberately turning around into one for no reason, lol), then doing a silly spot where Park shoves the ref into Fatu to set up awkward-running clotheslines and a knee, following with a FAT-ASS TOPE! They sell that a while, Samael slugging Park so he’s vulnerable to Fatu’s offense, and we get a long, arduous beatdown as Park just ambles around (probably totally gassed by that dive), being knocked around by Fatu’s strikes. They jab him with a spike, tearing open the mask so we can see the bladejob, which quickly turns horrifying and sets the stakes less than 5 minutes in. We see blood dribbling all over Park’s hands, but he casually just walks away on the floor in a weird bit, and Fatu starts whipping him around out there. Park goes over the guardrail and into the crowd (gross haha) while they make a big deal out of Selena looking annoyed/concerned at ringside, saying she was distracted with building a stable and not focused on the match. It’s been seven straight minutes of the “walk & punch”, not really shaken up very much (Park mostly trying to make the blood look worse by slapping himself in the head than actually selling), but when Park starts reversing stuff Fatu’s quick to fire back, but charges right into the snap powerslam. But it takes more than that- Fatu springs up with a thrust kick and does a “Jay Lethal flip off the ropes” grounded moonsault for two. They’re being really obvious about spot-calling, the camera not helping by zooming in- this sets up Park on the top rope, but he headbutts Fatu off and leaps to the top for a corkscrew attack!

Park is slow to recover for a count, then slowly gets some weapons- Fatu is bludgeoned by a ring table and a chair, then breaks the ring bell over Fatu’s head. Fatu hilariously sticks his head under the ring apron so he can blade, but gets a good one going and Park works it perfectly, pulling Fatu’s hands (and a towel) away from the cut so he can precisely work it. He whips Fatu with his belt as I observe he knows how to shake up his brawling a LOT better than Fatu does so it’s not all the same 2-3 things for half the match (or Park only gave a shit about HIS portion of the match’s offense and Fatu is more generous). Fatu sells better than Park does, but manages a run-up corkscrew to come back, then actually does a RUNNING MOONSAULT over the top rope to Park! Holy jesus! Samael scores some punches and Fatu gets a powerslam into a standing uranage, props a table in the corner, then misses his Moonsault finisher. Park, selling perfectly now, desperately struggles over for a headbutt and tries to pin him, but Samael now FIREBALLS THE REFEREE, Selena being no help to Park out there- she then openly stands in front of Chekov’s Table to slap Samael, causing him to fall aside so Park’s spear puts HER through the table in another big spot! Park is fucked, and Fatu nails him with a thrust kick into an elevated Samoan drop, hitting a double-jump Moonsault to pin him at (19:56). Jacob Fatu retains! The replay of course shows Selena was nowhere near the table on the landing, but that was an A+ selling job by her, as she crumbled and hasn’t moved an inch since.

Okay that got really good by the end- seven straight minutes of LA Park slowly walking around and bleeding isn’t that great, but at least Fatu did things like slam him into chairs or whip him into the guardrails a few times to break it up. Park wasn’t that interested in selling at that point, probably saving his cardio (HE OLD) or just being selfish, but he was believably doing the “exhausted sell” (or was just exhausted, haha). Great ending third, with Park smashing Fatu with all sorts of weapons and doing a believable comeback despite what had been done to him, because he was actually using a variety of weapons then working the cut. Then Fatu shows how he started getting talked about, with a run-up corkscrew (few better ways to come off like an insane threat than to be durable and strong AND fast on your reversals), and an insane running moonsault (which looks way more impressive and reckless than when a skinny indie boy does it). Fireballing the referee was terrific, as was Selena going through the table to set up her man losing- Park gets a bit of an “out” but is crushed by the dominant Jacob Fatu.

Rating: ***1/4 (it was looking pretty dreary at first- “Walk & Bleed” being my least favorite kind of match- but they got into a good rhythm by the end and did all sorts of cool stuff with real story and good comebacks)

lmao David looks so mutated in this thumbnail.

NWA NON-TITLE MATCH:
2 OUT OF 3 FALLS:
HARLEY RACE vs. DAVID VON ERICH (w/ Kevin Von Erich):
(Dallas-Ft. Worth, Aug. 15th or Dec. 24th 1977)
* Woah, *1977*! David goes back further than I thought! Here he’s a skinny, gawky kid as “Rookie of the Year” in white tights with green stars, representing his collegiate athletic career at North Texas State. Man, he is SO THIN here- he’s tall as shit, just towering over Race, but he looks sooooooooo damn babyish, really repping the “Skinny Rookie” thing. Race, the pot-bellied current NWA Champion, isn’t defending the belt tonight, but the job remains the same- showcase the kid and make it seem like he has a chance, especially “next time” (ie. so the fans can buy more tickets). Hell, if it’s non-title the kid might even win! But they emphasize repeatedly it’s a thirty-minute match, so YA KNOW…

First Fall: David immediately almost stumbles on a leapfrog but gets a Thesz press for a quick two, Harley already being like “!!!” about the kid’s skills. David keeps getting him with armholds and stuff as Race’s aggrieved face is pretty overwrought and funny. Race calls a spot and pushes him to the ropes, kneeing him in the gut to show how dickish a heel he is, then gutwrench suplexes him for two, only to get the same move himself and beg off! Race manages to plant him with knees repeatedly, working the gut, then works a front facelock until calling for David to slam him. David works the almighty pithold again until Harley shoulder-smashes him in the ropes, but hits his standard “belly-flop trying a headbutt” spot- finally he headbutts free of another pithold and drops a VICIOUS knee, a kneelift and another knee for two. He climbs up to finish, but gets Flair-Tossed off (“No!” he shouts in his sailor voice) and splashed for two, but now it’s MORE PITHOLDS, as they just keep on that forever. Harley finally takes his patented huge flipping bump over the top off a corner whip, but immediately comes back with a knee, suplex & falling headbutt for two as David flings him off. David small-packages Harley and then levels him with an elbow to the back of the head for two.

Race begs off, but suckers him with a headbutt and hits a piledriver, knee & elbow for two but UGH back to the arm. Harley sneaks in a backbreaker, but David gets a big comeback, battering Harley with strikes, Race backflipping off a dropkick until we’re back to the pithold. David gets tossed but catches him with a suplex reversal, abdominal stretch & football block for one, but Harley hits a vertical suplex, then another, both using the trunks, but misses a headbutt off Bret’s rope! David scores a two-count off that and goes to a headlock as time ticks down, then bails after a back body drop, coming back in to counter the next attempt with a sunset flip for two. Harley slams him for two, but gets rolled up on the second shot, and David gets desperate as the fans get excited for the 60-second announcement, hitting a rollup and a slam, then throws punches and… and abdominal stretch- yeah way to sell your desperation with that hold, kid! Time Expires at (30:00) with no falls. Harley then gets on the mic: “listen close, cuz this is the only time you’ll hear me compliment a Von Erich!”, putting over Fritz’s legendary status and saying “this kid is not damn far behind!”, earning an ovation. “Sooner or later, you’re going to be seeing that youngster holding that gold buckle” (I think I just heard Vinnie Mac throw up at a World Title being called a “buckle”). Obviously the point here is that David the rookie is SO GOOD that even the World Champion can’t get a fall on him in thirty minutes, which helps out the WCCW territory and makes him look like he has limitless potential even though he’s a skinny goober.

man, this match rarely got out of that “pithold” where David held an armbar with Race’s wrist under his armpit. The laziest hold there is, haha. Harley did some stuff, adding his trademark vicious knee & elbowdrops, plus a few other moves, but David seemed to only know 2-3 moves and kept using them, forcing Harley to do his best to wrestle an almost literal “broomstick match” against a useless opponent. The most fascinating part of the match was how clearly Race was calling it- now that the audience is more familiar with spot-calling the camera wouldn’t likely zoom in on the faces this much, as it’s super-obvious that Race is not only chatty in holds but keeps zooming in his head to David’s ear and immediately something happens. There’s even a bit where David dashes in and they cuddle heads. Also this is kind of too simplistic for me, in addition to not really being wrestled like most NWA Title defenses I’ve seen from the era, where guys seem like capable amateur wrestlers fighting for holds- instead this is just Harley ending up in the never-ending same-ass hold to fill 20 minutes while he comes up with little mini-spots here and there to make it look less boring. Nothing really looked that close to scoring a fall and Race was not exactly Ric Flair in there selling everything with mania and desperation, but in his defense he was wrestling a SERIOUSLY green, useless opponent.

Rating: ** (about as interesting as 25 minutes of an arm stuck in an armpit is going to look, mostly thanks to Race calling little mini-spots as it goes along)

THE YOUNG STALLIONS (Paul Roma & Jim Powers) vs. KAMALA & SIKA (w/ Kim Chee & Mr. Fuji):
(WWF SuperStars, Aug. 22nd 1987)
* More of the Kamala/Sika superteam, as they take on the lowest babyfaces on the pecking order, Roma & Powers! This is actually way more even, and kind of a match of equals in a way.

Roma does well to evade Kamala to start, failing with a shoulderblock, but Powers tricks him into smashing Sika off the apron. But the big guy uses his uncommon agility to hit a leapfrog and thrust kick. Sika tries a bit, but Powers hits a Roma-assisted sunset flip and his patented “armdrag, then clap” repeatedly on him. Big Sika’s moving pretty well for his size, charging into the corner and being whipped into an armdrag. Jesse Ventura rightly calls out Vince for his bias in calling it “double-teaming” when the Stallions do it but cheating when the heels do it (it’s always funny how Vince has no answer to this shit), and Sika goes to the eyes. A double-whip turns into the do-si-do into twin dropkicks on the heels, and Sika gets double-dropkicked over the top! Then Kamala charges and HE goes sailing over, too! The crowd is going nuts! And it’s actually a Count-Out win at (4:05) as the heels can’t get it together! But they’re not done- Kamala hits a running avalanache on the Stallions when they’re hugging in the corner, and they follow up with the Samoan Drop/Flying Splash on Roma! And one for Powers, too! “That’s called teamwork!”- Jesse is amazing, lol. This would seem to lead to a series between the teams, but Kamala is gone by October and so it never happens.

Not a bad little match, as it’s super quick-paced and everyone gets to show off a bit- even Sika looks pretty quick and limber while Kamala gets to show his agility and the Stallions get some double-teams in and get to bounce around these big monsters. Even a tainted win like a Count-Out meant something in the ’80s.

Rating: **1/2 (again a short bout, but quick-paced and decent throughout)

THE CAN-AM CONNECTION (Rick Martel & Tom Zenk) vs. THE ISLANDERS (Haku & Tama):
(WWF SuperStars, May 30th 1987)
* Hey, I found a Can-Am/Islanders match! And it’s BABYFACE vs. BABYFACE, as Haku remembers to slap some hands on the way to the ring. They’re in flower-print short tights and bare feet while the Can-Ams are in the usual white, and get the “Jobber’s Entrance”. Bruno Sammartino declares this to be a sure “one of the greatest tag team matches of all time”, apparently not knowing what the match time is scheduled to be, while Jesse Ventura suggests there’ll be hair-pulling. Given the similar alignments here I gotta think something’s up.

Things start off scientifically, with Haku doing a drop-toehold to Martel into a headlock, but Martel getting a leapfrog and a hurricanrana (a unique move for 1987 WWF!). Haku with a slam, but gets rolled up, and Martel slingshots out of the corner for two! Zenk works the dazed Haku’s arm, but Haku keeps getting comebacks- Tama’s in, but Zenk keeps reversing him with defensive moves and now uh-oh- BOBBY HEENAN’s out with a neckbrace on! That distracts the pretty-boys, at which point the Islanders jump them and knock Martel off the apron, leaving Zenk open for double falling headbutts as Heenan MOVES TO THEIR CORNER, the undisputable sign of the heel turn! And to punctuate this, they toss Zenk and Tama hits a slam into a Flying Headbutt from the apron to the floor! Poor Zenk is just finished from that killer offense and Martel cradles his dead body helplessly as they’re counted out- the newly-heel Islanders win by Count-Out at (3:52).

A very short, simple match built to create a new midcard tag team feud and give the newbie Islanders an edge- Heenan makes them instantly a higher-tier duo and gives him more midcard stuff to accomplish. The Can-Ams/Islanders feud runs through house shows for a bit before Zenk bails from the company, ruining everything. The Islanders are in stasis until winter, when the replacement Strike Force is formed and the feud switches to that.

Rating: *1/2 (a very simple little match that barely gets started before it’s over- obviously a means to an end)