Los Teletubbies in Lucha Libre (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time my “Guys breaking copywrite law in impossibly shitty matches” run continues with LOS TELETUBBIES, a quartet of guys in Teletubby costumes doing lucha libre in Monterrey, Mexico, which is apparently a den of copywrite-infringement gimmicks in a display of amazing INDIE SLEAZE! Teletubbies I-III take on Apolo Chino, Red Flamer & Dark Side in a Trios Match!

Then it’s another match from Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle in Memphis, as he faces jobber Keith Eric! Following that, a “proper” match as the one-time Super Duper Mario, Rusty Brooks, teams with fellow obesitron Jumbo Baretta to take on the Florida Tag Champions Joe & Dean Malenko in 1986 GWA! Come see that legendary Malenko charisma as they make the fat guys bounce around for them! Then it’s a short Ron Simmons vs. Mr. Hughes match on WCW Worldwide in 1991, the day before Halloween Havoc, and then I end things with some EUROVISION! Because I was looking for something else and instead found PCO/Carl Ouellet in England of all places as part of “Double Trouble”, a heel duo beating two hapless rookies, Gary Welsh and The Young Wiganer (no, really). Come see some amazing jobber abuse!

LOS TELETUBBIES (Teletubbie I-III, aka Dipsy, Po & Tinky-Winky, w/ Laa-Laa) vs. APOLO CHINO, RED FLAMER & DARK SIDE:
(Monterrey, Mexico)
* Fuckin’ lucha, lol. I post about “Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle” and someone tells me about “Los Teletubbies” and I just had to. So it’s a quartet of luchadores in really bad, bottom-heavy Teletubbies outfits, coming out to Midnight Oil’s “Beds Are Burning”. You know, like the Teletubbies did! I have no idea who anyone on either side is. Los Teletubbies are apparently based out of Monterrey, and eventually all of them lost their masks to other copywrite violation wrestlers like Ricochet (not that one), La Pulga, Mucha Lucha & Burrito (Donkey from Shrek). Red Flamer has a one-page Luchawiki bio and a blue & red outfit & mask. Looking up “Dark Side” in any wrestling context just gives you the TV show, but he’s got a black outfit & mask. Chino is maskless. Chino’s LuchaWiki bio says “Veteran worker who somehow caught on with CMLL for a short run in 1998 which led to him dropping his mask to Rencor Latino. The unmasking was pretty anti-climactic as Chino was laughing during the entire thing and that could possibly be the reason why he never worked in CMLL rings again.” As everyone knows, Dipsy is green, Laa-Laa yellow, Po red and Tinky-Winky purple. They’re actually Teletubbie I-III here but I refuse to look up which is which. Laa-Laa is on the floor.

Primera Caida: Oh my god it’s still three falls. Dark Side struggles with the technical expertise of Tinky-Winky, but the fans no-sell their “pause for applause” spot. Flamer & Po stall for an impressively long time (is Monterrey Spanish for “Memphis” or something?), Po hitting a Cena-tier STF and having to bridge out of arm stuff. Los Teletubbies seem to rely a lot on armdrags, since I guess “falling on your ass while the other guy does the work” is your best bet when wearing a bottom-heavy mascot uniform. Dipsy misses a cross-body on Chino, who gently bends over to allow Po to slowly step over the ropes for a “slingshot” armdrag. Man this Teletubbies match is really exposing the business. Los Teletubbies cheat with Laa-Laa running in and there’s no DQ. Flamer gets quadruple-teamed and they give him birthday bumps and some CLUBBERING and then the ref gets too into it and nearly helps, leading to a group hug. The rudos keep getting tricked into hitting each other then walking into Teletubby flying crossbodies, and four straight splashes lead to a Teletubby pile-on for the pin on all three guys at (7:24).

Segunda Caida: Dark Side gets bounced around by all four, who pose, but they soon get mobbed and each Teletubby takes “bumps”, with Laa-Laa just on the apron now. Po even gets dropkicked off the second rope. Dipsy tries to wreck house but gets beat again- Dark Side keeps spamming sentons while we keep getting “they almost do a move but someone loses their grip but a Teletubby sells it anyways”. A wheelbarrow slam/X-Factor hits Po, who does the TWITCH SELL, god bless him. The sound the ring makes when people take actual bumps probably explains why this match only has two of them. He’s dumped and Tinky-Winky eats a horrendous leapfrog attack (Dark Side landing on Flamer) and a triple-seated dropkick. Flamer’s flying splash pins Tinky-Winky, Chino’s flying senton pins Po, and Dipsy submits to a triple-submission at (5:28).

Tercera Caida: Dark Side takes some bumps but Flamer starts doing DISINGENUOUS HANDSHAKE spots late in the match, but the rudo ref just holds Dipsy for his kick. Dipsy makes his own comeback, though, but ends up in Dark Side’s armhold, so Tinky-Winky makes the save and hits the crippler crossface on him. Chino takes some backdrop bumps but now every time someone does a submission, another person jumps them- Po breaks up Flamer attempting Konnans’ tequila sunrise. The rudos lay waste to Los Teletubbies, but get whipped “into each other” (ie. stopping short and just standing there for dropkicks), and Los Teletubbies hit stereo dives off the apron and then hit stereo flash pins for the win at (5:25), Po hitting the single worst, slowest hurricanrana I’ve ever seen in my life. Dipsy’s is legit, though! Props to Dipsy!

Simply awful, lol. I mean I wasn’t expecting this to be anything but hilariously awful, and they dished it out, but at three times the length I was expecting- sucky matches are fun, but TWENTY MINUTES of it? That’s torturous! Nobody had any offense so they just did the same attacks over and over again, Los Teletubbies could barely move in their gear without a LOT of clearance, and even the heels were bad, frequently losing their grip on moves and acting like they’d hit. Hilariously, it still fit the typical “lucha cadence” I’ve seen, with a comedy-filled first fall, the heels fighting dirty to win the second, and then a “serious” final fall with the heels getting final comeuppance. Everyone breaking up submissions and diving onto each other at least felt more like they were trying, and then we get the “feel-good” ending of stereo pins.

Rating: DUD (not only is it bad and poorly-wrestled, with lame comedy that’s poorly timed, but it’s LONG- nearly 18 minutes of wrestling! And nobody’s even a little bit good!)

KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE vs. KEITH ERIC:
* More from Kowabunga as he takes on Keith Eric! Kowabunga gets some promo time, revealing a weird ultra-high-pitched voice of Chris Champion’s, as he keeps talking like a surfer and going “dyeuuuuude” and talking about the Gilberts in what sounds like an imitation of Rob Paulsen’s “Raphael” voice. It occurs to me that wrestling with TMNT gloves on has gotta hamper your style- he has two fingers in each finger of the glove (as the TMNT, of course, had three digits on each hand). Eric is a big, pudgy black guy with big hair and blue trunks.

Kowabunga harries Eric with some spinkicks that he has to avoid, then quickly turns a whip around and hits a “cartwheel” shell-smash in the corner than the jobber, God bless him, sells like a huge blow and THAT GETS THE PIN at (0:43). lol what even is this? They don’t even trust him to work 2-3 minute squashes and trade anything of value?

Rating: DUD (tragically short, dude. Bogus!)

FLORIDA TAG TEAM TITLES:
JOE & DEAN MALENKO (w/ “The Professor” Boris Malenko) vs. RUSTY BROOKS & JUMBO BARETTA (w/ Ox Baker):
(Global Wrestling Alliance, 1986-87?)
* Hey look! It’s the Malenkos vs. Rusty Brooks, the tubby jobber who made Hulk Hogan look great and then became Super Duper Mario! He actually isn’t a jobber here in this promotion? I’ve heard this called GWF before but it’s clearly “GWA” on the chyron and that’s what the announcer calls it. I have no idea. Brooks is wearing a blue singlet, while Barretta, who has a similar physique, but no ass and a deep tan, with a baby blue singlet on. Joe & Dean are in opposite-colored tights- Dean with black in front and red on the back, and Joe with the opposite. The heel champs are MUCH taller and larger than their short, skinny opponents.

Joe & Rusty go, looking hilariously bad as Joe gets a weird flying crossbody (why is a dude Rusty’s size taking that and going down? Joe is SKINNY!) then an armdrag with both guys in the ropes so far they have to awkwardly shrink back. Rusty bounces around like a good heel and flops onto his back to tag Jumbo. Joe with a “mule kick” (an awkward arcing back kick) and the Malenkos nail Jumbo in the corner and Dean teabags him off the top for “1” and hits an armdrag. The fans keep chanting something- “porky”? Dean keeps trying stuff as I find Jumbo actually quite agile for his size in terms of bumping, and he catches a leap and powerslams Dean, who commentary keeps mistaking for Joe (admittedly I had to check the beginning again to make sure I got it right who had what undies on). A double-team sees Dean leapfrog Rusty and get killed by a clothesline from Jumbo- legdrop, double-shoulderblock & Jumbo’s spinning side suplex get two. But Rusty telegraphs an elbow and splats, leading to Joe running in with dropkicks abounding, but they try to run the fat guys into each other and waffle each other instead. Hah, that’s usually a babyface spot, not a heel one. But speaking of, Boris cheats and trips up Jumbo from the floor! Dean uses the distraction to swap out with Joe and get his knees up (hilariously early, as they’re up before Jumbo even jumps up for a splash), and he finishes Jumbo with a Perfect Plex at (6:53)!

Rusty, upset by the loss, “hits” the Malenko Bros., who do HILARIOUSLY bad bumps (Dean just acts “tired” and then walks to the other side of the ring before flopping down onto his knees, casually passing an annoyed Rusty who taps him on the back as he does so), Joe knocking down Boris, who was lighting up a victory cigar. Rusty they grabs the cigar and burns Dean’s eye with it, giving the heels some heat even after being embarrassed by the loss. At least Dean sells his ass off at THAT, flailing around with abandon.

This was a funny example of wrestling, as not only do the Malenkos show no charisma (I know- shocking, right?) and fight dirty, but the small, fast, technical guys actually do the worst job in the match, just treating their big opponents as easy prey and flipping them around despite the huge height difference making this look silly. I mean, psychology dictates that you should wrestle different-sized people a different way, not fling them around as if you were way larger- why was 280-300-lb. Jumbo Baretta expected to do forward flips off of simple armbars from DEAN MALENKO? Never mind them bopping around for forearms or cross-bodies and stuff- they should have been thumping Malenko ass for that and only going down to good takedowns, counters or submission stuff. It’s weird when scrawny guys like Adam Cole fight as if they outweighed their larger opponents and just beat them as if nothing was different, and it’s weird here. The big guys were good bumpers, though- you can kinda tell they were experienced jobbers since they knew how to fling themselves around; an act that looks more impressive when it’s very clear these tiny guys wouldn’t have been able to budge them on sheer power.

Rating: ** (okay match but bad psychology from the Malenkos- held together mostly by the fat guys flinging themselves all over the place)

RON SIMMONS vs. MR. HUGHES (w/ Harley Race):
(WCW Worldwide, Oct. 26th 1991)
* It’s time for more of Ron & Hughes, as I’ve been watching some more of their stuff lately. Ron’s in long black tights and as soon as he hits the ring he starts laying the boots to Mr. Hughes.

Ron just beats seven shades of shit out of the big man, hitting a back body drop and then clotheslining the hell out of him, sending Hughes rolling to the floor in desperation while Race is like “WTF, man!?”. Hughes is in the ring first and thus goes to the eyes, beating Ron down. A comeback is stopped with a boot in the corner as Hughes points to his head to indicate intelligence, and a slam & elbow gets two. One of the laziest chinlocks I’ve ever seen leads to the comeback, but Ron runs into a knee! More pointing to the head from Hughes, who has exhausted his offense and is now just using more and more kicks. Ron fights up from his knees and hits a shoulderblock, but slugs Race off the apron and gets totally distracted by him, leading to Lex Luger (Ron’s opponent at the next night’s Halloween Havoc) charging down and beating on him for the DQ at (4:22). The heels try a double-clothesline, but Ron ducks and waffles both of them, then hits a Three Point Stance to blast Hughes to the floor and Luger wimps out and bails.

Not the worst Mr. Hughes match, as him dominating the offense meant he couldn’t stand there awkwardly and stiffly “sell”. His offense was primarily eye-gouges, punches and kicks to the ribs but at least he shook it up a bit. Though seeing Ron fight from his back the whole time isn’t the most inspiring thing for a challenger to Luger at the PPV, at least Hughes is large enough to justify it.

Rating: *1/2 (uninspiring forgettable TV match with only a couple moves from Ron, but Hughes didn’t do the worst job)

DOUBLE TROUBLE (Rich Crawford & Carl Wallace) vs. THE YOUNG WIGANER & GARY WELSH:
(Eurosport, Feb. 1992)
* Hey look! I was looking for WWF’s Double Trouble and instead found some Eurovision! English wrestling! I think! Welsh’s name is listed as “Geraint Clwyd” on the video title, which certainly sounds like the “alphabet salad” of Wales, but he’s got a different name in the video. Wallace is actually Carl “Pierre/Jean-Pierre Lafitte/PCO” Oullet with an English-ified name, here with a “Clone Buddy” with the same stocky physique in a matching black singlet, sunglasses and neon yellow armbands. Crawford is Nelson Veilleux (oh, HIM! I… okay I have no idea- looks like a career jobber who did some WWF stuff). I LOVE these jobbers, though- they just look like the most helpless, innocent young dweebs- all gawky and “oh gee whiz sir I just want to learn to wrestle”- I love it. Welsh is from North Wales (wait his name is “Welsh” and he’s from Wales? That’s like being named “Joe Canada” or something) and has a neon orange amateur singlet (like he’s wearing first-year gear but wants to stand out) while the other is a first-timer on Eurovision and wearing red trunks as “Young Wigammer” (said as “Wiganer” by the commentator). Wigan is where Dynamite Kid & Davey-Boy Smith were trained. The heels flick each other’s mullets and take off each other’s sunglasses to start. They’re both ex-lumberjacks, according to commentary. Wait, is that an offensive stereotype?

Welsh has a go with Wallace, being easily powered around, delightfully pounding the mat like “darn!” at his own poor showing. Wallace just TRUCKS him with a shoulderblock to a great “flaily rookie sell”, then another, but there’s some miscommunication after a hiptoss-reversal spot where the kid kind of hovers in place and tries to hook Wallace’s groin, and Wallace just takes him down for real with one arm like a brute, haha. Oh and he put some STINK on that one, hauling him up and tripping him hard on the way down. Welsh gets slammed on what looks to be another brutal ring, and it’s a tag to Crawford, who effortlessly catches him with a powerslam. Welsh tries to headbutt from his knees but gets crushed and chopped HARD, then Crawford dangles his arm out so the Young Wiganer just misses the tag, and Double Trouble LAUNCH poor Welsh throat-first onto the top rope. Welsh kicks out after a legdrop but gets wiped out against the turnbuckle and flung into the air, then powerslammed again but he’s slammed to his own corner and in comes the newbie (“The YOUNG WIGANER- everybody that knows him reckons he’s gonna be a champion of the future!”) with some vicious dropkicks to Wallace’s… lower hip region. Even the commentator’s like “didn’t time the second one right- TOO LOW” and he runs into a swinging neckbreaker. Oh god this kid’s rope-running is shit, too- just takes the baby-steps into it and leans slowly so he doesn’t spring off right, and Wallace just gets sick of it and merks him with a forearm. He Press Slams Crawford onto the kid (holding him for so long he nearly drops him) for the pin at (4:14). They toss Wiganer after the bell, leading to an angry Welsh to be like “oh gee guys, come on, don’t do that” and they beat the shit out of him and just FLING him over the ropes, where the heartless front row fans laugh uproariously and clap, haha. See, even in England they know jobbers are unworthy of human kindness.

Oh man this is some delightful jobber abuse. Welsh wasn’t the best but just took an ASS-KICKING, getting lit up and bounced around (check his bump into the turnbuckle). Good improv by Wallace on the hiptoss fuckup, though it’s a bit mean to just haul the kid up with one arm and sweep his legs out. The Young Wiganer was terrible, though- too low on the dropkicks, then some bad rope running and Double Trouble just kills him. They probably realized they needed to end that one fast. Sadly, I don’t believe the Young Wiganer went on to greater fame.

Rating: 3/4* (fun for a squash with the heels abusing one rookie endlessly, toying with him until Wiganer comes in and threatens to screw up the match until they kill him fast)