Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle in USWA (and other Dream Matches!)

Oh yes, by popular demand, it’s the OTHER most notable horrible indie ripoff gimmick, as KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE debuts in Memphis and works early-card matches against losers and dweebs while dressed in a Ninja Turtle Halloween costume and everyone has to act like “Wow, I thought you were an idiot, but you can really wrestle!”. Come watch him against future “jailed for CP” asshole dork Ken Wayne, then teams up with an impressed Wayne so they can take on THE TWILIGHT ZONE! A pair of masked jobbers, one of whom is Brian Christopher (you can tell by the way he wastes time in the ring).

But that’s not all! I also found more of Ron Simmons in WCW, as he teams up with Big Josh (Doink the Clown) against a suit-wearing duo of Mr. Hughes and Vinnie Vegas! Come watch Kevin Nash learn to work as he bumps unnaturally big for such a huge dude. Then it’s over to ECW, as we get a HORRENDOUS match where poor Nova has to try his best and have a decent match with the useless Chris Chetti in a Loser Leaves ECW Match! You know a match is bad when it looks like “Wrestling’s Secrets Revealed” by the way one guy has to push and pull the other around the ring to try and accomplish any of the moves! And finally, it’s a disastrous WCW Pro match featuring Johnny Swinger vs. Tokyo Magnum, as the Ultimo Dragon trainee makes me die inside with a horrible botched move that Swinger even tries to sell!

KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE vs. “THE NIGHTMARE” KEN WAYNE:
(USWA, 1990)
* Kowabunga was brought to my attention, and indeed it’s a Memphis act where a guy bought a cheap Ninja Turtle Halloween costume and began wrestling in it. At least the commentators admit he’s openly just inspired by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He’s wearing a bright green-skinned Turtle outfit akin to Leonardo, but with a black bandana, belt & pads around the joints, making him a non-denominational Turtle. I’ll say the mask is better than what Duane Gill & Barry Hardy used as the Toxic Turtles in the WWF one-off- it actually looks like a real TMNT outfit. Under the suit is apparently Chris Champion (Yoshi Kwan in WCW), who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. Ken Wayne comes out with a bikini-clad woman who’s about 20 years too old for him judging by his Wikipedia page. He has a blond mullet, a dad-bod, bad facial hair, red facepaint for some reason, and red tights. A good “forgettable Southern wrestler” look. He’s the USWA Jr. Heavyweight Champion, but I guess this is non-title (Kowabunga’s shell probably puts him out of the weight class).

They do “martial arts stances” to square off, Ken actually jabbing him in the ribs and earning a handshake for it. Kowabunga attempts a slow kick, but Wayne easily catches it and knocks him on his ass with a sweep, but Kowabunga does the same to him as commentary has the nerve to suggest “these are two of the best wrestlers as this sport goes in the ring right here today”. Wayne lands some forearms and a snapmare into a kneedrop (you know it’s a short match cuz I’m actually play-by-playing that), but Kowabunga catches him with a small package as they roll around the ring countering it until Kowabunga finally holds him down for the three at (1:59), winning the Jr. Heavyweight Title. Lol he beat him with a SMALL PACKAGE in two minutes? He goes for an interview and Wayne is nice enough to put him over and compliment him- well he’s got the rub from Ken Wayne, what more could fans want? Kowabunga then comes out for a karate demonstration, accidentally BREAKING THE BOARD by casually slapping it and hahaha oh my god. He “breaks” it again with a karate chop but out come Jeff Gaylord & Scott Braddock, the Wild Things, with their manager Downtown Bruno (Harvey Wippleman), cutting a horrible promo, then effortlessly double-teaming Kowabunga (who wasn’t even off his knees) and they give him the fakest beating I’ve ever seen in my life by “hitting him with the boards” and putting the boots to him, but out comes Ken Wayne with a stool to chase them away.

haha this was so bad. Kowabunga does “martial arts” but instead takes most of the shots himself, then gets a single small package and wins.

Rating: 1/4* (barely even a match- just some simple demonstrations to start and then a small package win- very much not gnarly nor bodacious)

KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE & “THE NIGHTMARE” KEN WAYNE vs. THE TWILIGHT ZONE (Nebula & Quasar):
(USWA, 1990)
* Oh man USWA is so podunk, lol. Kowabunga & Ken Wayne are friends after their thing on the last Dream Matches, where he defended the Ninja Turtle against the Wild Things, and now they’re taking on a pair of masked jobbers The Twilight Zone. Quasar is in a neon yellow bodysuit with navy blue trunks & mask over it, while Nebula reverses that. Apparently Nebula is Brian Christopher and Quasar is Tony Williams. Both are short, scrawny jobby guys. Wayne is now in green tights and facepaint, in solidarity with his new friend Kowabunga.

Wayne starts off with Nebula (Brian), who complains repeatedly about mask-pulling as he’s armdragged and slammed around (yeah, that’s Brian alright). Kowabunga goes with Quasar, and… tickles him? Well he’s just teasing the jobber. Quasar tries to flee after a back body drop but Nebula wimps out until Kowabunga makes “chicken” motions at him. Nebula/Wayne go again, Nebula now with an armdrag & snapmare, but as soon as he tags Quasar back in, Wayne tags Kowabunga, who clotheslines Quasar and then snapmares Nebula back over the ropes to hit him with a standing side-kick off the ropes, while Wayne runs in with a Bridging German on Quasar for the three at (3:29). Wait, Quasar’s shoulder was off the mat! And Wayne WASN’T LEGAL! How dare this jobber squash have such flagrant rule violations in it! Bogus, dude!

Another weak match, with the entire thing being armdrags, heel stalling, and snapmares. The finish was kinda outta nowhere (like as soon as it’s time for the babyface run they both walk in and count as legal?) and Kowabunga did all of two moves for the whole thing. Why, I have half a mind to think they knew he couldn’t wrestle well in the thing and deliberately kept his offense short in every match!

Rating: 1/4* (a weak, silly jobber squash, with tons of Memphis Stalling despite a finish coming from more or less one move)

RON SIMMONS & BIG JOSH vs. MR. HUGHES & VINNIE VEGAS:
(WCW Pro, March 14th 1992)
* Oh man- Faarooq & Doink vs. Mr. Hughes & Kevin Nash? EXCELLENT. Now THAT’S the stuff of Dream Matches! Except it’s 1992 WCW, land of half-assed wrestling in unpopular shows. Big Josh (who is of course the smallest of the four men) is wearing a lumberjack outfit including blue jean shorts, Ron’s in red & white tights, Hughes is in the usual suit, and Vegas is in the same, making them look like a proper tag team. But why the hell is Nash’s suit BAGGY? Like how did they find one that fit him but was TOO BIG? I’m actually not sure if I’ve seen Nash wrestle as Vegas before.

Josh & Vegas start off, Vegas brushing himself off after Josh’s initial punch flurry, but Josh treats them like they’re equally strong and just trades punches with his giant opponent until he runs into a boot, but knocks him down with a dropkick & leaping forearm. Vegas goes to the eyes on Simmons, but gets knocked down with a dropkick. In comes Hughes, who gets wiped out with a MONSTER clothesline, Simmons just exploding out of the corner at high speeds and flattens him. A shoulderblock puts him down again and he bails for a while. Josh is in, and he kinda ignores cheating until Vegas decks him again and hits a gutwrench suplex into a big boot for two. Josh hits a big clothesline off Bret’s rope on Hughes and finally makes the tag- Vegas bounces around for Simmons (who is booking Nash to do back-body drop bumps?) but the ref pulls Ron out of the corner and Vegas puts on brass knuckles and clobbers him- Josh saves. The heels put the boots to Ron, but Josh comes in with a literal axe handle and smashes Vegas, blatantly cheating to put Ron on top for the win (8:43). The babyfaces win via cheating! lol check out Hughes just ignoring the pin to try and hit Josh.

Pretty standard-issue match here, with Josh coming off as kinda selfish (who is he to be ignoring heel offense and just slugging back on two giant dudes?) but competent, and Nash wrestling completely the wrong way for his size. Dude is like 6’10” and is doing a back body drop bump, bouncing around in the corner off of Josh’s punches, flinging himself all over for Ron’s offense, etc. Though Nash has admitted he’s green at this point and was probably trying to impress people by showing off his bumping. In Mick Foley’s book, he says Nash took one look at Jake Roberts no-selling with those scrawny arms of his and said “I’m going to do it, too” (Foley: “Nash’s improvement was immediate”). Simmons looked great with his explosive clothesline and stuff, and even Hughes was bumping around well for him, just shooting down like a shot instead of flinging around.

Rating: **1/4 (solid enough mid-tier tag match- decent cheating but some odd choices in selling)

Chetti, on the left, looks like pretty much every U.S. indie wrestler between 1992 & 2005, I think.

LOSER LEAVES TOWN:
NOVA vs. CHRIS CHETTI (w/ Lou E. Dangerously):
(ECW, November to Remember 2000)
* Yes, my look at Chris Chetti wrestling the Haas Brothers has led to me attempting to dive further into the nothingburger that was his career. He is the first cousin of Taz, and is said to be the “best pure athlete in ECW” (oh god the BILLY GUNN verbal blowjob push?), “first graduate of the House of Hardcore”, looking here like a more boring, less charismatic Chris Candido. He’s wearing baggy black pants and a black singlet top. Lou cuts a horrible bit of work about how tough Chris Chetti is, doing a “YELL! EVERY! WORD! SEPARATELY” promo. Chetti, doing his best Taz imitation, issues the challenge that “The winner stays; the loser leaves”, meaning one of those will no longer be able to earn those fat, juicy ECW paychecks! Nova runs out dressed like Venom and goes on the attack.

Nova does some weird stutter-stepping to show how much energy he has (he does this repeatedly through the match, like it’s his “default” wrestling stance), beating Chetti down, but misses a pescado. Chetti goes headfirst into the guardrail and Nova acts all infuriated, throwing chairs around as Chetti bleeds. Nova can’t get the Kryptonite Krunch (yes, the master innovative swiped Mariko Yoshida’s Air Raid Crash), then awkwardly spins Chetti into the crossface chickenwing, but takes a superkick thanks to Lou’s interference. Chetti can only manage generic-fu, doing overhand shots and whatever until Nova essentially has to slowly wrestle himself around Chetti (watch him literally kneel down so Chetti can “slide off him”) and toss him into a chair. Chetti makes a big show of pointing to the hip that went into the chair, setting up Lou hammering Nova in the balls, then Chetti kips up with a smirk- okay that’s pretty decent. Chetti his a fameasser and Don Callis on commentary keeps shouting “swerve!” while Chetti throws boots and drops a chair on him (lol why distract the ref before when there are no rules in ECW anyways?), then it’s more generic-fu into a big side kick for two.

Chetti with a delayed suplex and Nova’s own Novocaine (aka a flatliner, avoiding Nova’s “spin doctor”, whatever that is) for a dead two-count. Nova comes out of the corner with a flying roundhouse kick and then throws a ton of punches while swearing repeatedly, but Chetti blasts him with a chairshot… but Nova no-sells and beats the shit out of him. Nova does a fameasser/pedigree combo but Lou puts Chetti’s foot on the rope, but Nova baseball slides him. Lou doesn’t even bother to drop his friggin’ cellphone on the bump and Nova & Chetti reverse on each other in the more horrendous Flair/Steamboat sequence I’ve ever seen, Nova again having to literally push and pull Chetti into every position until he goes for the Third Degree (two piledrivers into a powerbomb) but Lou cracks the cellphone over his head on the last bit. Nova gets a good reaction for kicking out (AEW does the same kinda spot as a default “nearfall” these days, too) and counters Chetti up top. Nova kicks Lou off the apron when he runs up with a chair, slips off the top (oh god), has to leap back up, they SUPER awkwardly shuffle into a reverse position, then Nova “headbutts” Chetti (missing so badly it looks like Chetti just deliberately leans forward over Nova’s back for no reason) and hits a Super Kryptonite Krunch for the pin at (9:47).

haha oh man, Chris Chetti was SO BAD. He’s that unique flavor of incompetent where you see a half-decent hand like Nova have to actually do things like physically manipulate Chetti’s body around the ring to put him in position for shit, “shove him off”, and slowly put himself into moves, move Chetti around so he can “reverse” stuff, and then “reverse” the moves back. And later on the same thing happens with the pinfall-reversal sequence- Chetti can’t be trusted with ANYTHING apparently, because Nova has to shove and roll him around to do any of the moves. Then you have weird shit like Nova ignoring two weapon-shots to make his own comebacks, then they botch the finish in two separate spots (Nova slips off, then leaps back up and they change positions somehow for no reason) so Nova can hit a mega-finisher despite having hit none of his regular ones so far yet. Honestly it’s kind of a testament to Nova’s abilities that this could look AT ALL competent, because Chetti was worse than bad- he was actively preventing the match from moving forward. Nova having dozens of named, but un-over, moves was also working against them because the crowd didn’t really care abuot any of the stuff he was doing until the top rope Krunch, cuz if you have seven finishers, then you really have none. But I honestly love watching matches like this- fascinatingly bad performances that “inform” about how wrestling actually works mechanically (like seeing a guy have to make the other guy’s comebacks for him) can be invaluable as a learning tool.

Rating: *1/4 (awful, awkward, sloppy match with Nova having to wrestle himself)

TOKYO MAGNUM vs. JOHNNY SWINGER:
(WCW Pro, May 2nd 1998)
* Yes, it’s more of maybe WCW’s least-necessary program, as they put on Jobber vs. Jobber matches to fill time. At least this means I’ll have no idea who wins. Magnum comes out in black shorts and a mask, while Swinger, one of the most “Just A Guy” dudes in wrestling history with a “Just A Guy” name and “Just A Guy” mannerisms, is in white tights.

Swinger flings Tokyo around and dances, but gets caught in an armdrag to the floor, but Tokyo MASSIVELY overdoes a springboard moonsault, just absolutely sailing over Swinger, who tries to sell it anyways. Swinger at least does an “I fell back” thing instead of bumping big, and back in the ring hits a backdrop suplex while Magnum sells his leg. Johnny stalls a bit (probably to let the kid recover) and Magnum gets a sunset flip and backflips off the top rope, but ends up in a swinging… neckbreaker/DDT as they mix up what it’s supposed to look like. Oh god just please go home with this. Swinger promptly finishes with a side slam into a slingshot legdrop for the win at (2:28). Man, poor Magnum, lol. He’s just a boy, and wants to do all the cool flippy shit, but takes his mentor Ultimo Dragon’s Asai Moonsault and does a SUPER version of it, but is of course not realizing how huge an arc he’s gonna get going to the TOP rope, and thus he misses entirely and Swinger has to try and make it work with him while he’s all stunned and flustered. Magnum fucking up what the swinging neckbreaker was supposed to be (he drops forward like a DDT until realizing Swinger is twisting and tries to spin mid-dive- to be fair those often mess guys up because it’s so unnatural) just makes it worse, so Swinger wisely just goes right home.

Rating: 1/4* (disaster of a match, but at least it was short)