Dream Matches — page 5

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have the other big YouTube video featuring Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle- this one future WCW referee Brian “Mark Curtis” Hildebrand as Kowabunga, taking on flabby manager Jim Cornette in a comedy match! A… my god, a LONG comedy match! Smoky Mountain Wrestling, everyone! Then a strange 1997 WCW match as New Japan’s Yuji Nagata takes on Pat Tanaka, already a relic from a bygone era 7 years after his peak! Also I have the first ever squash match of The Undertaker! Back when he was “Kane the Undertaker” and still had Brother Love as his manager- I kind of find the whole early months of workshopping the gimmick fascinating.

Then it’s the most “2000s Velocity” match possible, as a Ring of Honor guy does jobbing duty against a Generic WWE Create-A-Wrestler- it’s Gunner Scott (Brent Albright) vs. Colt Cabana in 2006! And then it’s more of me looking into Deuce & Domino’s careers, as I found Deuce’s repackaging on a Dec. 2008 RAW as he takes on Rey Mysterio and announces his real name- Sim Snuka!

JIM CORNETTE vs. KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE:
(Smoky Mountain Wrestling Fancam, Aug. 19th 1993)
* So Jim Cornette, currently making a living ripping on dumb shit AEW does on YouTube, is of course wrestling a Ninja Turtle in his own promotion XD. TO BE FAIR, it’s a “Heel Manager Gets Humililated” match, where it doesn’t really matter who the babyface is. Cornette, pudgy body (still looks better than Chris Jericho now) and all, is out there is red tights that cover his entire body, making him look like a fat superhero cosplayer, and he looks ultra-annoyed to be there. His flabby gut looks extra-bad in way-too-tight clothing, which is the point. And HOLY FUCKING SHIT KOWABUNGA USES “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!” AS THIS THEME! THIS MATCH IS ***** ALREADY HOLY SHIT! Kowabunga here is wearing a different costume than the Memphis one, and is apparently Mark Curtis under the mask.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I didn’t write one for this Wednesday, since I figured Christmas Day wasn’t gonna be a good time for readership/engagement, plus I didn’t have the time before my vacation to actually WRITE a column, so I’ll post a three-match Friday column! This one features a Japan-style FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the former Mabel & Viscersa, “Big Daddy Voodoo”, heads to the bizarre, sleazy version of All Japan Pro Wrestling, as the former “King’s Road” now offers Mabel vs. Ryota Hama, a 400-lb. Japanese dude! This one deserves watching just for the “What the FUCK?” nature of the finish, which is one of the most dangerous ever.

Next up, a wild dream match in Lucha’s UWA promotion, as Bam Bam Bigelow teams up with the Samoan Swat Team against lucha legends El Canek, Fishman & Dos Caras! And finally, the last of the Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Norton matches- in Scott’s last-ever WCW match on WCW Thunder!

BIG DADDY VOODOO vs. RYOTA HAMA:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, 02.07.2010)
* WOOOOOOOOOOOOO YESSSSSSSSSSSSS it’s Big Daddy V vs. a hugely fat Japanese guy! You can even get FAT MAN STAND-OFFS in Japan! Voodoo is around 40 years old here, sporting a sleeveless black shirt and pants that are way too tight, revealing his disproportionately scrawny legs. Hama is like a foot shorter but almost as wide as V, and comes down to a 1970s-style disco version of the Imperial March from Star Wars. He’s a 2-year vet at this point, and still wrestles today, having gone to Wrestle-1 in 2013, then Big Japan. This has “indie sleaze” written all over it, which is pretty sad considering 20 years before this was Misawa/Jumbo wrestling perfection, haha.

Most guys don’t LITERALLY go nose to nose, but when dealing with so much mutual manliness, there may be no other choice.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First up is a HOSS MATCH, as Bill Goldberg takes on Scott Norton from an April 1998 Nitro! And following that a REMATCH from the following January! Which one will get blown up from going long first?! Will Norton sell anything!? Will GOLDBERG!?! So much drama!

And this week, I wanted to start another “series” of All Japan classics- Jumbo vs. The Kids On His Lawn! All Japan’s elder Ace Jumbo Tsuruta teams up with his young student Akira Taue and elder shitbag Masanobu Fuchi as they take on Misawa, the up & coming future Ace and his best friend Toshiaki Kawada, and the much weaker junior division wrestler Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Can both teams keep their weaker members safe and pick up the win? What happens when Misawa’s desire to overcome Jumbo makes him lose his temper? Read on!

Next up, it’s a very “2006 WWE Heat” match, as The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera (w/ Val Venis) takes on Tyson Tomko (w/ Snitsky). Following that, a pair of 2008 SmackDown! matches sees former Tag Champions Deuce ‘N Domino take on Jesse & Festus, in the end of D&D’s WWE run!

WCW U.S. TITLE:
BILL GOLDBERG vs. SCOTT NORTON:
(WCW Nitro, April 27th 1998)
* SWEET GOD YES!!! After watching any Scott Norton match, you’ll see this big barrel-shaped guy just ignore everything thrown at him because he sucks and doesn’t really get that even supposedly-invincible Monster Heels need to sell SOME of the time. Like who the fuck is this guy to be selling less than ANDRE THE GIANT did? So it’ll be glorious seeing him get fed to Goldberg. Nose to nose, they do look like a vision of destruction- Norton is nearly as tall and MUCH broader.

Andre, a total asshole, takes the WWF Title and raises it high above his head in the post-match.

WWF AT THE LOS ANGELES SPORTS ARENA:
(Aug. 13th 1988)
* It’s time for more Dream Matches! With this one, I’m going back to the LA Coliseum shows, as these produce some fun match-ups. In particular, this one is main evented by MACHO MAN vs. ANDRE THE GIANT, a colossal match-up that didn’t actually end up on TV very much. I’ve heard that Andre was notoriously rough and non-giving with Savage (allegedly because he didn’t like how Randy treated Elizabeth, which is hearsay to the point of “obvious bullshit”), and 1988 Andre is always a questionable watch in the ring, but I’ve come around on his work a lot over the years and was curious about it. And we also have other amazing matches lined up, including a masked OWEN HART showing up pre-Blue Blazer to take on Barry Horowitz (for FIFTEEN MINUTES!), Sam Houston vs. Black Jack, “Ravishing” Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts, the Powers of Pain vs. the Bolsheviks and Curt Hennig vs. SD Jones! For… oh god that one’s a long one, too.

Parts of this show honestly feel like “tryouts” for Owen & Curt to work their gimmicks and styles out, or figure out their pluses and minuses in LONG matches against job guys.

SAM HOUSTON vs. BLACK JACK:
* And we amazingly start with a JOBBER MATCH! Jack has a weirdly broad back and is so TV-unfriendly he keeps his back to the hard cameras for like 3 solid minutes before the bell sounds. AMATEUR HOUR! He has a great jobber look- broad back but a nothign physique and black tights pulled up past his belly-button, making him look 50 years old. This is Jack Armstrong, a 25-year veteran by this point, so he just might be! Classic Assassin-type mask- black & red. Houston does a goofy line-dance quick-step all the way around the ring to start, looking like a total goober, and as soon as the piped-in music cuts out you can hear Graham burying his physique on commentary, complaining about how “If he wants to continue is progress in the WWF brotha, he’s got to get into the gym PUMP BIG-TIME IRON, to put some body weight on that lean body of his!”. Monsoon is the voice of reason, pointing out that someone so young might have a hard time gaining weight.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I finally take care of an old request- a LEGITIMATE dream match, taking place in 1990 NWA/WCW when Arn Anderson challenges for the Great Muta’s WCW TV Title! Following that, a crazy mish-mash of talent on WCW Thunder in 1999, as Chris Benoit & Dean Malenko team up with Kidman against Raven, Perry Saturn & Rey Mysterio Jr.- who is Kidman’s Tag Champion teammate! Next up, it’s a Bill Goldberg squash, as he takes down the OTHER Beverly Brother, Mike Enos on WCW Thunder! Then it’s a long Rick “The Model” Martel vs. Thurman “My Friends Call Me Sparky” Plugg match from All-American Wrestling in *1994*, Martel ticking down his dates before leaving again!

NWA TV TITLE:
THE GREAT MUTA vs. ARN ANDERSON:
(NWA Power Hour, Jan. 1990)
* Oh yeah- this one’s been on the docket for like two years but I just never checked it out for whatever reason, figuring it was too long/too big to be locked in. It’s funny, because “on paper” this is something you’d expect could get **** or so, but the nature of TV matches means it’s probably truncated and not as hard-fought as a really important match- even in 1990 guys were less likely to chase “bangers” (ugh) and more “just get the job done”. Arn’s in black trunks and Muta’s in long red martial arts pants with black facepaint. I have seen almost none of Muta’s US content, so this’ll be interesting.

lol they made the botch the thumbnail.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, our headliner is a Jacob Fatu I was recommended- a super-messy weapons brawl with Mads Krugger over in MLW! Come see batons, a chain, a roll of barbed wire, chairs, a ladder, a kendo stick, ANTHRAX, and most terrifyingly, a BOX WITH LIGHTS AND SMOKE IN IT, all in the name of carrying some 2/10 slug to a watchable match by Fatu!

Next up, it’s the match that was part of one of wrestling’s most infamous promos- Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer cuts one of the worst promos in history as he prepares to take on Motley Cruz! Come see a mat classic in the making! Who will turn the tables in the wrong way on whom!?

Next up, we have a fascinating WCW Pro match with a VERY messed-up Steven Regal teaming up with Dave Taylor against Silver King & La Parka in a match that’s both a huge style clash and full of Regal confusing everyone with bizarre choices. Then a main event in any arena in the country, as Hacksaw Jim Duggan takes on JTTS loser Damian DeMento! Finally, it’s a pair of Bill Goldberg vs. Rocco Rock matches, as they run the same finish one year apart!

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION MATCH:
JACOB FATU vs. MADS KRUGGER:
(Major League Wrestling, 2022)
* So when I was checking out Jacob Fatu matches for reasons totally unrelated to attempting to draw eyeballs via featuring a current hot WWE act, I had this one suggested to me as a fascinating mess. I think did my usual thing, which was to review a couple matches and then move on, leaving this on the “To Do” list for ages, but here it is! This is based off of the break-up of their “Contra” stable. Fatu was at this point a major MLW star, and Krugger is… a guy I’ve never heard of. Looks to be an Abyss rip-off (who… was a Kane/Mankind rip-off, so I guess Krugger is a Kane rip-off)- a huge guy with a mask. But with military gear. Billed at seven feet, which is like 6’7″ these days I think (his actual billed height on Wikipedia is 6’10”, so probably). If he’s that big and spent his entire career (since 2012) on the indies I must assume he sucks. Not much physique, but he’s tall. Phrederic says he just likes the indie garbage stuff. Fatu is chubbier back then, mostly in the chest. A “Weapons of Mass Destruction Match” has the ringside area “Weaponized” with “Military-Grade Equipment” stashed around ringside, and cases full of weapons as well. The best touch is the referee wearing arm-length HAZMAT gloves and a mask to sell all this nonsense, and there’s a giant box smoking with “biohazardous” materials. This is so indie and overwrought- I love it.

A phony “Tiger Mask” in Central States All-Star Wrestling. What a business.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I’ve found some hilarious stuff today- a FAKE TIGER MASK! Plus Road Warriors rip-offs! From the same show! This is classic “podunk garbage indie” wrestling! One has Memphis jobber Ken Wayne decked out as “Tiger Mask” taking on jobber Grizzly Evans (who is named “Adams” on the chyron), while the other has 666 (a roided up squat veteran) teaming up with The Mongol (who is, of course, clearly Caucasian) against Central States Tag Champs Bulldog Bob Brown & Buzz Tyler. The best part about this whole deal is Wayne is authentically trying to do “Tiger Mask” spots and pretend he’s the real guy.

The “proper” feature match today is actually the Midnight Express (Eaton/Condrey version) against NWA US Tag Champs Barry Windham & Ron Garvin. Then it’s over to 2000 WCW as Dave Taylor impresses the shit out of me by controlling an entire match against the useless David Flair & barely-decent Crowbar, with Steven Regal backing him up! Picture-perfect European uppercuts! Then it’s more of Bill Goldberg’s reign of destruction, as he destroys the former Beau Beverly- Von Wagner’s dad Wayne Bloom! Finally, it’s the last in the Atsushi Onita vs. Masashi Aoyagi series, as they fight in the inaugural FMW Korakuen Hall show. Come see the wildness of Pro Wrestling vs. Martial Arts when all one guy has is his selling, and the other is a fat but credible karate guy!

US TAG TEAM TITLES:
RON GARVIN & BARRY WINDHAM vs. THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (Beautiful Bobby Eaton & Loverboy Dennis Condrey w/ Jim Cornette & Big Bubba):
(NWA Pro, Feb 21st 1987)
* I went looking for Flair/Windham vs. the Midnights, but it’s not on YouTube I guess. Here’s something not quite as good instead! Garvin’s in black trunks, Barry’s in blue, the MX are in yellow-fronted, maroon-backed matching gear- tights for Bobby and trunks for Dennis.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time the assortment takes us all over the world, and includes insane things like Mexican Minis decked out in miniature versions of *WWF* gimmicks, weirdo Interpromotional Tokyo Dome matches, Goldberg squashes, the dying days of WCW’s midcard dorks, and the origins of FMW!

First up, it’s a AAA Minis match featuring Mascarita Sagrada Jr. & La Parkita Jr. up against Mini Mankind & Mini Vader in Mexico! All four guys are lucha minis, but an agreement with the WWF has two guys swap in WWF gimmicks! Next up, it’s Scott Norton & Dustin Rhodes teaming up against Shinya Hashimoto & Masa Saito in a total MESS where nobody is on the same page! Glorious stuff to review! Then it’s Goldberg tearing apart Kwee-Wee with the mother of all Spears!

Next, I found Chris Candido vs. Crowbar in a hyper-MOVEZ-y indie-style match from 2000 WCW Thunder! Watch two guys practically killing themselves to get over on a show nobody watches! And finally, it’s the origins of FMW, as a fancam show from 1989 pits Atsushi Onita in a martial arts-style match against Masashi Aoyama in a match hilariously devoid of good sportsmanship and tact!

MASCARITA SAGRADA JR. & LA PARKITA JR. vs. MINI MANKIND & MINI VADER (w/ Mini Paul Bearer):
(AAA, Feb. 1st 1997)
* By request, it’s the time we had a “Mini Mankind” and “Mini Vader” appear on WWF television during their time courting lucha libre… which consisted of throwing the Minis on TV, then bringing out some “couldn’t possibly get over in the US” stars to try and compete with WCW’s elite lucha guys. So I do a tiny amount of research into these guys and go “Oh! Mini Mankind is Espectrito II in a temporary identity! Oh, and he’s the TWIN BROTHER of La Parkita! Oh, and both were killed in a double murder in 2009!”. Two hookers had approached them, then poisoned them to steal their wallets- their small size is believed to have resulted in their deaths and the women got 47 years in prison. WRESTLING, everybody! On second thought, I actually had read about this. Of course I brought this up on the BOD and all the comments were like “I bet he got a short sentence”, lol. Mini Vader was the first Espectrito and the older brother of these two. Mascarita Sagrada is the most famous Mini wrestler, but this is the JUNIOR variant, who also wrestled as Max Mini for WWF, while Sagrada was “Mini Nova”.

This twelve-year old boy has an OPINION about Ted DiBiase.

WWF AT THE LOS ANGELES SPORTS ARENA:
(WWF, Dec. 17th 1988)
* Oh, amazing! Another full upload of one of those “televised for one market” house shows! Time for some insanely padded matches starring total losers! Watch them construct an entire card out of garbage padded around Tito/Valentine, Hogan/Boss Man and Demolition/Powers of Pain! There’s an ELEVEN MINUTE Lanny Poffo vs. Boris Zhukov match on here! Plus Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana, Bad News Brown vs. Jim Powers (that’s right- we get an ACTUAL Jim Powers match in my column again!), Ted DiBiase vs. Hercules, Akeem vs. Koko B. Ware, and Rockin’ Robin defending the Ladies Title against Sensational Sherri! The most fascinating thing here is nearly every match being around ten minutes long, and seeing how these guys all try to fill that time!

Our hosts are Ron Trongard (with his AMAZING “1950s announcer” foghorn voice) and Superstar Billy Graham, who is immediately stuttering and stumbling over his words. The video here is AMAZING- no mere transfer of tape to YouTube, it’s got incredible amounts of detail like it was shot yesterday.

LEAPING LANNY POFFO vs. BORIZ ZHUKOV:
* WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION RIGHT HERE!! Poffo was a jobbery dude at this point, but Zhukov was on the lowest-tier tag team at this point. Volkoff was still around, so this is blatant card-filler. Poffo (“minus a few frisbees if uhhh–” “–HEY!”) is in an odd color of blue trunks- “Air Force blue” or “silver lake blue” according to Wikipedia! He of course starts us off with a poem- “That great big ugly Russian thinks he’s worth a million bucks; he’d better stick to wrestling cuz his singing really sucks!”. This gets a pop out of the crowd and earns an attack from Zhukov.

The new WWE Tag Team Champions!  Watch me shamelessly capitalize by looking at their TNA history!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have some SHAMELESS ENGAGEMENT, as the Motor City Machine Guns of all people just debuted in WWE of all places and then won the Tag Titles on SmackDown! So come see how part of their legend got started during their big feud against Beer Money in TNA! A 2/3 Falls Match for the Impact Tag Titles! Following that, a COMPLETELY TERRIBLE match between Ron Simmons and Tony Atlas in WCW! Come see a disinterested, injured Ron deal with a clunky, aimless Atlas, who either lost his gear or is legitimately wrestling in sweatpants all the time- and he even suffers a wardrobe malfunction to the amusement of the crowd!

Then I do two straight matches from a WCW Nitro on Spring Break, as it’s first Fit Finlay controlling a match against Ultimo Dragon in a classic “Style Mismatch” bout, then another fantastic Goldberg squash as he sends Lodi to the intensive care unit with another insane Spear!

And finally, speaking of 2/3 Falls, here’s a WWWF match from 1972! I mean, once I learned that KARL GOTCH, one of the “Gods of Pro-Wrestling” and originators of the New Japan “Strong Style” had been a goofy WWWF babyface and teamed with Rene Goulet of all people (he of the blond floppy hair as an agent during pullapart brawls during my childhood), I just had to find some stuff. So here’s Karl Gotch & Rene Goulet vs. The Rugged Russians (Ivan & Igor)!

IMPACT TAG TEAM TITLES:
2/3 FALLS MATCH:
THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley vs. BEER MONEY (James Storm & Robert Roode):
(TNA Impact, Aug. 9th 2010)
* So for ENGAGEMENT, I’ll take a look at the current WWE Tag Team Champions in their TNA run, as the MCMGs were basically everywhere BUT WWE during their long-ass careers. In particular, Sabin was a recurring name in TNA/Impact but kinda found his calling in a double-team-heavy squad with Shelley, while Beer Money was where post-America’s Most Wanted “Cowboy” James Storm ended up, along with Robert Roode. Beer Money are in matching white trunks, with Roode the more “Hire me, Vince!” of the two regarding physique while Storm has gotten doughy. The MCMGs are in matching “La Parka”-style gear (Sabin shorts, Shelley tights) and are noticeably dwarfed by their big opponents. This is the end of a Best of 5 series, and twice Storm has used his beer bottle to help his team win.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one features a spectacular assortment of random matches, as I finally get a look at that Terry Funk/Chris Candido Hardcore match from 2000 WCW Thunder! Featuring a famous run-in from a four-legged interloper and Funk talking shit on it!

After that, I found TWO different “Just Joe” matches from his ill-fated WWF run. Watch as indie worker Joe E. Legend tries to make it work on WWF D-shows featuring Gangrel- in one, Joe takes on Gangrel who is CLEARLY about to be fired, and in the next they’re TEAMED UP, facing the extremely over Dudley Boyz! Then a request from Maffew as I check out Newborn UWF in 1989 as Masakatsu Funaki takes on Chubby Japanese Elvis (Tatsuo Nakano) in one of the promotion’s most famous matches! One of the top Worked Shoots ever! And finally I shore things up with a Goldberg squash- watch him execute Brad Armstrong!

HARDCORE TITLE:
TERRY FUNK vs. CHRIS CANDIDO:
(WCW Thunder, May 31st 2000)
* Here’s a semi-famous match from Nitro where Candido tries to take Terry Funk’s Hardcore title away- I searched for this before and couldn’t find it, but there’s a brand-new upload. Candido is dressed exactly like Funk and charges him before the bell- Terry hucks the Hardcore belt at him and we’re off!

Funk gives Candido a trio of short shots with the chair to batter him around, then they do the “walk and brawl” to the back- Tony starts laughing about how “we didn’t expect to be on camera” after saying “He’s the Brain; I’m Mike…” because of course WCW takes a while to get a camera on the wrestlers backstage. We finally get there with Terry using a tote full of bottles (that seems dangerous), but is careful to barely touch Chris, who spends all his time cartoonishly flailing around like a total boob. Funk hits another short chairshot (like he’s HITTING him, but it’s only pushing it about a foot so it’s not like… the way the Rock would just put his entire body into it). Candido gets put on a flatbed truck and it turns out that’s Terry’s “family car” and the poor ref, Hardcore belt in tow, is left CHASING THEM as the camera zooms off. They of course find a horse ranch in Boisie and Terry leaves to go kick Candido’s ass some more, but he’s of course recovered and whips a trash can at Terry’s face. They do the “grab hair and run” spot, Candido chucking Terry into the one table inexplicably placed next to some stables. Tony himself lampshades this: “Yes, of course- why WOULDN’T there be a WCW table in the stables?”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this week, I have a TRUE classic for you all- the kind of thing Flair/Steamboat and Misawa/Kawada could only dream about- TED ARCIDI vs. BILL KAZMAIER! Famous workrate promotion Stampede Wrestling was the only territory with the balls to put out this masterpiece, with two of the legit world’s strongest men go against each other in a match that threatens to steal all the oxygen from British Columbia to Manitoba!

Following that, it’s a look to the Florida territory, with Champion Barry Windham defending against Cowboy Ron Bass in a match with a well-known follow-up! After that, it’s the WCW D-shows as the Steiner Brothers get a warm-up against Mortis & Wrath, with the most interesting bit seeing Kanyon get that tag move he always loved to try! Then it’s a match watched and recommended by Maffew, as Kensuke Sasaki faces Jinsei “Hakushi” Shinzaki in Fighting of World Japan in 2003! And finally, we get another D-show match as Mona takes on Asya in the Bischoff/Russo era of WCW on Saturday Night!

BILL KAZMAIER vs. TED ARCIDI:
(Stampede Wrestling, Jan. 30th 1987)
* Stampede Wrestling, North America’s bastion of hot workrate and international legends, brings you the ultimate Dream Match: Strongman vs. Strongman! Bill Kazmaier vs. Ted Arcidi! Both men were as preposterously strong as they were horrible in the ring, with both making attempts at wrestling careers that were largely abject failures, both washing out in only a few years. Arcidi actually made WWF TV in 1985-ish, but soon got the boot and ended up in Stampede. Kazmaier made it to WCW after this, but lasted about five years and never really went anywhere. What made them good at power-lifting (their squat, hyper-muscled physiques) held them back at wrestling, even with Vince McMahon’s famous love of lifting & muscles- they’re just TOO big and immobile, and powerlifting requires explosive force- not stamina, flexibility and cardio. This match is the kind of thing you book as a little kid (“What if the two strongest guys fought each other?”) and also the kind of thing a booker puts out there as a joke. I mean, they HAD to know this would be no good- Ted is so bulky he can’t even put his arms lower than a 45-degree angle from his torso! Arcidi’s in black shorts and Kazmaier’s in trunks.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have some funny minor matches, starting off with something from Dusty Rhodes’s “Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling” micro-promotion in 2001, as Dusty, a washed-up spherical 56-year old, teams up with svelte son Dustin to take on ECW nobody CW Anderson and WCW’s failed giant Reese (now back as Ron Studd)! Then Bill Goldberg faces Stevie Ray near the start of his dominant run as a killer, with the kind of a sell of a Jackhammer you will NOT be seeing for much longer!

Then it’s WCW jobberdom as Buddy Lee Parker gets fed to Mortis at the start of the “Blood Runs Cold” feud! I try to find more “Lost Dudley Boyz” stuff with a match between Big Dick Dudley & Little Spike Dudley!  Then it’s a rare appearance by Wild Bill Irwin in the WWF, as he takes on “El Matador” Tito Santana in a WWF Mania Exclusive in early 1993! And finally, it’s more DEATH ROW as he gets another shot in WCW two years after trying shit on Mike Rotunda and getting shoot-wrestled to the ground and punched in the face- here, he faces Sting!

DUSTY & DUSTIN RHODES vs. CW ANDERSON & RON STUDD:
(Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling, Aug. 2001)
* Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOO it’s Dusty Rhodes’s TCW promotion (a Georgia-based nostalgia fed that actually got TV), and he’s teaming with Dustin against two failed stars! This has disaster written all over it- I love it. Ron Studd is of course WCW’s “Reese”- a huge 7-footer who never amounted to anything and just got used as a JTTS. CW Anderson was portrayed as a “serious wrestler” in ECW’s dying days but was pretty much a Generic McWrestler nobody with no real character. He’s one of those “He was really awesome/underrated” guys I never saw a shred of star power in and is grossly overrated by the fanbase, probably because he could do basic wrestling in the dying era of ECW that had few other stars. He’s in a black singlet and Reis is in blue trunks- why is this giant dude always wearing the worst looks? Dustin has an elaborate singlet on and looks to be in shape while Dusty’s in normal clothes. Dusty is massively chubby (… you know! For a change!) and impossibly old to be wrestling… being about a year older than Dustin is today, haha. Dusty’s also doing commentary.

lol the stereotypical nerd on the bottom left. He’s also the only one not smiling and laughing and looks legitimately worried. I’m DYING at this, hahaha.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have something inspired by recent Scott Keith reviews and comments- incredibly off-putting jokes about a black wrestler’s family, and suspiciously high AEW match ratings! er, wait- I mean a match brought up where jobber Death Row starts to take liberties with Mike Rotunda and gets the absolute dog-piss beaten out of him! Come see just what happens when a big loser tries to take on a surprisingly great amateur wrestler! Then it’s more of the Dudley Boyz’s early days in ECW, as I believe they have their first match in the promotion against the Pitbulls, as Dudley Dudley & Little Snot Dudley take on the roidy monsters while the Stevie Richards drama takes center stage for most of the match!

Then it’s over to the NWA, where the babyface Midnight Express takes on the Samoan Swat Team, Samu & Fatu! Then it’s WWF Jakked, as Eddie Guerrero and his Mamacita, Chyna, face Kaientai: Taka Michinoku & Funaki! And finally, a look at the tail end of Big Bully Busick’s short WWF career, as he takes on the Brooklyn Brawler!

THE PITBULLS (Pitbull #1 & Pitbull #2, w/ Raven, Stevie Richards & Beaulah McGillicutty) vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (Dudley Dudley & Little Snot Dudley, w/ Big Dick Dudley):
(ECW Hardcore Heaven, 01/07/1995)
* So Stevie Richards promptly makes nearly everything about himself, raising his ECW Tag Title around and dancing to the crowd. The Dudleyz are a brand-new team at this point, Joey suggesting “this is the first AND the last time we’ll be seeing this team” as the Pitbulls are expected to murder them. This is the original incarnation of the squad, as it’s Dudley and Little Snot. Dudley was talked about last week, but Little Snot, who is noticeably taller than either Pitbull, is a Weird Al-looking guy with no facial hair. He’s indie dweeb Al Michaels, who got hurt after a very short time in a jet ski accident and missed out all the rest of the Dudley run, being replaced by Chubby Dudley. He wrestled for a REALLY long time afterwards- I’ve seen stuff from the 2000s which is decidedly still not very good. Not that the Pitbulls, the “short guys at the gym who roid out to compensate” of tag team wrestling, are any better.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have a hell of a famous match for you, notable primarily for its finish and for making everyone think Shelton Benjamin was going to be a star of the future. It’s Shelton vs. Shawn Michaels on WWF RAW in 2005! You know the ending! But look at just HOW GOOD Shawn Michaels was, and how much he puts the kid over, while Shelton is portrayed like this S-tier Super-Athlete one-upping the Showstopper at his own game! I go a bit nuts with the analysis here, but it’s a famous match for a reason!

And then I decide to watch some HORRIBLE CRAP, as I have decided it’s my mission to track down matches from the “Lost Dudleys”- the awful indie workers that went nowhere while Bubba Ray & D-Von Dudley became huge stars. It’s Dances With Dudley doing his offensive stereotype gimmick against The Shah of ECW, Hack Myers! Who also sucks! Then it’s Dudley Dudley (the only Dudley whose parents were both Dudleys) teaming up with the Vampire Warrior (Gangrel) of all people, to take on… the Steiner Brothers?! Oh hey this IS a Dream Match! Almost! Then I decided to find more of that weird giant Mike Fury jobber as he apparently did a WWF squash against The British Bulldog, Davey-Boy Smith!

GOLD RUSH TOURNAMENT:
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN:
(WWF RAW, May 2nd 2005)
* This is a Mystery Challenger match in a Title shot tournament (Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler are taken aback by Shawn’s theme playing), and the most famous match and moment of Shelton Benjamin’s career is commencing. Shelton at this point is getting a BIG push as an upstart blue-chipper winning midcard belts, and he reminds me a lot of Booker T in his WCW “TV Title” era or Sakie Hasegawa in All Japan Women’s Pro Wrestling- I fuckin’ love the “Super-Athlete with a fire under their ass” type of wrestler- someone going all-out physically every night (in kayfabe and for a shoot) to demand that brass ring and get a push. But now the two-time All-American in heavyweight wrestling and TRACK (like seriously, how can you be god-tier at both things?) is against the wiliest of veterans and a legit Main Eventer. Shelton is a mix of dumbfounded and amused, here, like he’s this arrogant young rookie who now thinks he’s got a shot. Shawn is his usual “silly egomaniac” self to start.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! With the amazing Misawa/Taue match from last week reviewed, people brought up how it informs the June 9th 1995 tag match… one which has gone into wrestling lore as “The Best Tag Match Ever”. And HOLY SHIT does it live up to that hype, as it becomes the Ur Example of the “AJPW Style” and amazed fans all over the internet and tape-trading community. And it’s EVEN BETTER when you know all the context, like the prior match! So come see four of the best to ever do it at the peak of their powers go for 40 minutes of amazing action.

And I follow that with a match of equal magnitude, the Power Twins from that NWC show I reviewed face the Towers of Power in whatever the hell the NAWA is, in 1992! Plus we have Vader vs. jobber Sean McKever in his first match from WCW TV, and Sid Vicious in a legendary squash against Lee Scott!

ALL JAPAN WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
MITSUHARU MISAWA & KENTA KOBASHI vs. THE HOLY DEMON ARMY (Toshiaki Kawada & Akira Taue):
(All Japan, June 9th 1995)
* This match is somewhat notable. More than twenty years ago, I was in University and made a purchase from Golden Boy Tapes for a number of VHS tapes, including one simply labeled “Best Tag Match Ever”. This was part of the ongoing feud between Misawa & Kobashi and their former ally Kawada (the trio had been playing on former ace Jumbo Tsuruta’s lawn for years) and his new partner Taue. Kawada had been chasing Misawa for literally years, having debuted the year after him and just never being quite as good or successful- Misawa got the bigger matches, the quicker singles push, the Tiger Mask gig, beat Jumbo and became the new Ace, etc. All the while Kawada was AMAZING but just not up to the same level, which killed his ass until he finally quit their stable of guys and hooked up with Jumbo’s tag team partner, the big lug Akira Taue.

So now Kawada was possessed by a pathological desire to beat Misawa- not only has he never done so in singles, he’s never even PINNED him. Misawa by this point almost never did jobs, and only did so to foreign names. Misawa & Kobashi had been tag champions continuously since Dec. 1993, having vacated them for the Tag League but winning them back. Kobashi is BIG here- his more slender early ’90s look had since given way to a bulky, barrel-chested physique with no muscle definition- just pure SIZE. But his leg is almost made of bandages at this point. Speaking of, Misawa’s orbital socket was broken a short while before, and Taue kept working it over when pressed (in a match where his legendary Nodowa Otoshi- chokeslam- off the apron became the centrepoint of the match’s climax), so that’s still an issue. Hopefully Kawada, famously kindly pillar of good sportsmanship, will be a good sport and not focus on such obvious weak points!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have the GOOD SHIT- King’s Road Style! Mitsuharu Misawa vs. another one of the Four Pillars- the huge Akira Taue! A Champion Carnival Final seeing some of the best “putting over the move” selling I’ve ever seen!

Next up, a match of equal magnitude: The Power Twins vs. Aerial Assault in a shitty Las Vegas indie! It’s Larry & David Power (two never-was chubby dudes billed as powerhouses) versus Bob Bradley and Rob Van Dam, in one of the matches that was his debut on the greater wrestling scene in North America, for the NWC Tag Team Titles! Then it’s over to WCW Pro where “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan teams up with Stars & Stripes (Marcus Bagwell & The Patriot) against the Three Faces of Fear: Kevin Sullivan, Avalanche and The Butcher (Brutus Beefcake)! Finally, it’s WCW’s short-lived women’s division, as Malia Hosaka takes on mid-80s Glamour Girl, Leilani Kai on WCW Saturday Night!

ALL JAPAN CHAMPION CARNIVAL FINALS:
MITSUHARU MISAWA vs. AKIRA TAUE:
(April 15th 1995)
* Oh hell yeah more Four Pillars time! It’s the Ace of AJPW against Taue, the lowest-ranked of the Pillars, and generally the one accepted as the “weakest worker” of the four. Taue having that rep in the early days of the IWC was always kind of interesting, cuz like… he’s the worst of THOSE FOUR. Which means he could be better than almost anyone else in the world, ya know? A lot of it was a lack of MOVEZ, I suspect- his stuff was generally the ugliest of the four, he had the smallest moveset, and he wasn’t very agile or smooth, so people who didn’t see things like timing and selling as well missed the boat on him. I was thinking “no one would believe Taue had a chance here, right?” as Misawa almost never lost and even Kawada hadn’t beaten him yet, but the Carnival was a round-robin and flukes can always happen in these things. Taue had recently debuted a big new move- his Nodowa Otoshi (chokeslam), but off the RING APRON in a huge crowd-pleasing mega-spot. Misawa had also broken his orbital bone only three weeks prior, giving this some added drama. Both are in the usual- Misawa’s emerald & white, and good ol’ tall, lanky, shapeless Taue in red.

NATIONAL WRESTLING COUNCIL- TOTAL CHAOS- BEST OF THE NWC- Volume I:
(Late 1994)
* The NWC is one of a million goofy indies that popped up all over America in the 1990s, starting the usual mix- guys WWF no longer wanted mixed with future superstars. In this case, it’s dominated by a pair of Cactus Jack vs. Sabu matches, as both guys are making names for themselves in every indie you can think of (Cactus is between his WCW run and his ECW one, while Sabu is a tape trader’s dream at this point), featuring Sabu getting suplexed through a table in front of some old ladies. Then ends up with a Branding Iron Match between Terry Funk and VIRGIL, Terry doing his best to either carry the match or expose the business, and we end things with… the Powers of Pain vs. BOB BRADLEY & ROB VAN DAM!? Oh god I love these weirdo U.S. indies.

The NWC lasted only a short time, and was one of the first American indies to showcase hardcore wrestling, particularly that of Sabu & Cactus Jack. Its first bankruptcy came about due to a partnership with the Ultimate Warrior, who bailed on them. It reopened in 1996 but died two years later. It’s most notable for giving RVD his first prominent spot in wrestling, and for a Ku Klux Klan angle that led to Jim Neidhart and another guy “hanging” Virgil while wearing white robes. I don’t remember ANY of this stuff (nor Foley’s book talking about it), so I just checked Wikipedia for that, haha.

The tape already starts amazingly, via showing clips of the Ultimate Warrior’s workout video (shouldn’t that just be a list of nearby pharmacies?), then clips of Virgil and Honky Tonk Man matches, really going all-out to draw fans in. We also get clips of Jim Neidhart between WWF runs, Sabu legdropping a chair onto someone’s face, and the exact same image of the Las Vegas skyline on repeat over the “Y’all ready for this?” sports hype song.

The commentary team is the promotion’s owner TC Martin & Big Al Rizz (?), who sounds like John Candy mimicking a Chicago accent. TC hosts the opening, wearing a gaudy Vegas dealer’s vest over his shirt.

Cactus Jack deliberately moving Sabu over to a table full of old grannies and suplex him through their table.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I found a true rarity- a fancam of Rey Mysterio Jr.’s first-ever match, as “Colibri” debuts in 1989 at fourteen years of age, taking on a guy in Mexico! Then I look for Rey’s OTHER debut- the one in WWE, where he takes on Chavo Guerrero Jr. on WWE SmackDown! Watch me take the opportunity to throw some shots at AEW booking and agenting incompetence as I compare the job done HERE to the job done for acts like Hologram, whose opponent had a similar job to Chavo’s here- acting as a tackling dummy for all the wild moves of the new guy. Following that, it’s a request as we get WWF Champion Hulk Hogan facing Cowboy Bob Orton on WWF SuperStars on Memorial Day Weekend, in a match somewhat well-known for the top rope cable breaking mid-match, probably forcing a complete re-thinking of the match on the fly from the two veterans!

Then it’s over to a Canadian indie as the Motor City Machine Guns take on JUSHIN LIGER AND ULTIMO DRAGON! But it’s 2007 so uhhhhh get ready for Lazy U.S. Indie Style and an announcer who thinks imitating Howard Cosell is the height of comedy. Hoo boy the commentary is always the worst stuff on the indies. And finally I throw in a quickie as Tito Santana takes on Dangerous Danny Davis in the weeks before WrestleMania V!

COLIBRI vs. ????:
(Mexico, April 30th 1989)
* Yes, it’s the debut of REY MYSTERIO JR., as a 14-year old kid takes on some guy whose name I can’t even find out in 1989! Rey isn’t listed on Cagematch at all until 1992, which makes this a nearly-lost thing- Rey is recognizable even with this terrible home video transfer, though I can barely make out the color of his tights (purple?). Rey famously debuted as “Colibri” (Spanish for “hummingbird”), and is barely taller than the top rope here. His opponent is mere inches taller, and is clunky and squat. Let’s call him “Black Mask” for now.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a one-time-only feature bout, as the IWA Mid-South Title is defended in a Three Way Dance between… CM Punk, Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio Jr.! Three all-time legends in one match, at totally different points in their careers (Eddie & Rey were close to their career-defining WWF comebacks, while Punk was just starting out as an indie name). And I went looking for Flash Funk matches and oh yeah- he was SABU’s opponent when ECW invaded WWF RAW in 1997! So there’s THAT as a wild Forbidden Door only-in-1997 match!

Then it’s over to 1980s WWF as Jimmy Snuka and his storyline cousin the Tonga Kid take on The Moondogs! Another indie match sees the S.A.T. face Matt Sydal & Alex Shelley in a match that’s part “indie-style stalling” and part “showcase the S.A.T.’s wild moves”! And finally, it’s JOSHI in Stampede Wrestling, as legendary Devil Masami takes on Mika Komatsu in a match that looks super-odd, as it completely uses the AJW style in a foreign territory, thus looking totally out of place (and at twice the pace of anything men’s wrestling was doing)!

IWA MID-SOUTH HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
CM PUNK (w/ Dave Prazak) vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. EDDIE GUERRERO:
(IWA Mid-South, 03/02/2002)
* By request, we get a one-time-only (uh, probably! Don’t quote me!) three-way dance between three all-time legends! CM Punk, IWA Mid-South Champion, takes on two lucha legends in Eddie & Rey. Eddie had been fired from WWE for drugs, but was on his way back. Rey had spent a couple years between WCW & WWE recovering and just doing stuff, and Punk was on his way up in the indies. Punk has no physique to speak of (even 22 years ago!) and has ugly bleached/red hair. He also has a mini-me with him with the same hair. Rey is in his dreadful “no-mask” look, still looking like a 14-year old boy except for the big steroid muscles. Speaking of on the gas, HOLY SHIT LOOK AT EDDIE GUERRERO! Okay it was no big mystery, as he was roided even in his New Japan days, but the huge veins in his shoulders and triangular torso are extremely obvious here. He comes down looking unpleasant and annoyed to be there like a good heel. Or like someone who is legitimately annoyed to be there. There’s MAYBE 100 people here. The announcer annoys me by calling Punk the “IWA Mid-South World Heavyweight Champion” like this podunk indie deserves World Title status. YES I KNOW THE TITLES AREN’T REAL SHUT UP IT MAKES THEM LOOK DESPERATE.