Dream Matches — page 5

Just AWFUL, haha. 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have even more “Guys Workshopping Their Gimmicks” stuff, as DEMOLITION makes their WWF debut and it’s the only two televised matches featuring RANDY COLLEY as Smash! This apparently never worked out, as fans recognized him as a Moondog (ie. a JTTS) and he was swapped out for new hire Barry Darsow, and that was that. Here they take on what I think are higher-end jobbers Jerry Allen & Sivi Afi.

Keeping up with that theme, let’s check out some Ohio Valley Wrestling!! WWF’s Developmental Promotion has a bunch of future main eventers in it- the Tag Champions Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin go up against the heels from last week’s column, Smooth Johnny Spade & Sly Scraper (Sylvester Terkay as a Bruiser Brody knockoff)! Then it’s the first ever JOHN CENA/RANDY ORTON match, as Orton takes on “The Prototype” in two separate matches! More of Danny Doring & Roadkill, as ECW’s rising midcarders try to take the ECW Tag Team Titles from the FBI (Guido & Mamaluke) in Mississauga, Ontario! Then one last Bilvis Wesley match as he takes on Steve Corino in the dying days of ECW!

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Johnny V) vs. SALVATORE BELLOMO & MARIO MANCINI:
(WWF Superstars, 1/17/87)
* Yes, someone uploaded the only two televised matches of MOONDOG REX “Smash”, back when the Demos were managed by Johnny V and had mostly black facepaint. Really hideous crap, too- it’s just sludgly black paint with tiny bits of other colors. Ax has YELLOW PAINT over one side of his mouth and Smash has a yellow forehead with blue hair. The story I always heard is that Rex (Randy Colley) was too recognizable as an ex-JTTS loser, and so got dropped. The Jobbers look HILARIOUS- Bellomo has a goofy red striped singlet on and a really broad torso while Mancini is just flabby and in red trunks.

Ax, nowhere near as roided as he’d later become, hammers the shit out of Bellomo and slams him, bringing in Smash for some right hands. Back to Ax, who bounces Bellomo around (great “stiff-body” bumps by Bellomo, looking helpless) but lets him tag out. Mancini fares no better, Smash skooshing his face into the mat repeatedly. We get an overdub by Finkel to hype things AND a Johnny V inset interview as it’s just an aimless brawl, but Mancini gets dumped so Ax can slam him on the floor. Smash with a double-axehandle and they debut Demolition Decaptiation to win at (3:46).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, my looking at Rikishi Phatu’s early WWF career leads to a Metal match against the British Bulldog of all people, during that short bit of crossover where the two were up north at the same time! Actually they probably shared space a lot given the Headshrinkers & Sultan’s runs, but I can’t remember lots of matches they had. Then it’s time for some WORLD OF SPORT, as I review Johnny Saint vs. Rollerball Rocco from the UK in the 1980s!

Next up, it’s a look at Shelton Benjamin in Ohio Valley Wrestling as he takes on Smooth Johnny Spade, an indie lifer meant to carry the rookie through a quick TV match! Then I check out more of the Dying Days of ECW with its most bottom-feeder gimmicks: Bilvis Wesley and Chilly Willy! In particular, Bilvis teams up with Tom Marquez against the rising babyface duo of Danny “spending more time naming my mid-match moves than learning how to get over” Doring and Roadkill! Then Chilly Willy makes a Southern indie taking on the promotion’s top heel, Tracy Smothers!

RIKISHI PHATU (w/ Too Cool) vs. “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY-BOY SMITH (w/ The Mean Street Posse):
(WWF Metal, Dec. 18th 1999)
* So it’s one more Rikishi match! Well maybe. I was gonna see how much interesting stuff there was, but once he hits his formula all his matches are pretty much the same, haha. This one’s interesting because his opponent is the BULLDOG- a very brief period between him quitting WCW and rejoining the WWF as a midcarder (Bret Hart was predictably kind-hearted and understanding about this turn of events). Bulldog’s wearing BLUE JEANS and coming out to the sound of dogs barking and “ugh, Jim Johnston was tired that day, alright?” butt-rock. This being two midcarders on Metal with five dudes hanging around ringside, I’m imagining Fuck Finish.

HHH backing up in shock after Rikishi gets up despite being smashed with a weapon. See, that’s how ya do it.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a very special case- a match where I give COMPLIMENTS to Triple H! Because my reviews last week of Rikishi’s debut matches upon his return led to people discussing his rapid-fire push and a very good HHH match on SmackDown!, and since I was already reviewing the next batch of Rikishi squashes, I figured I’d throw them all together and show those squashes leading to the HHH bout, comparing and contrasting the stylistic differences as Rikishi “figures it out” and starts to get over! So we start with Rikishi versus Tracy Smothers (Southern perma-midcarder and “good hand”) and then Joey Abs, putting him together with Too Cool, and then he gets a big January 2000 match against Triple H himself for the World Title! And HHH makes someone look like a star!

After that, a very “WCW” kind of match, as one of the best Cruiserweight workers on Earth gets crushed by do-nothing bottomfeeder Hugh Morrus on WCW Saturday Night in 1997! And finally, I at last get to the “Dying Days of ECW” guys, with the Dream Matches debut of BILVIS WESLEY, one of the all-time bad worked names, as a late-stage ECW performer I forgot existed until a BOD review on the end times of ECW on TNN reminded me about him! Here he takes on ECW workhorse Jerry Lynn! And then it’s his compatriots in that era, as Chilly Willy wrestles Chris Hamrick on ECW Hardcore TV!

RIKISHI FATU vs. TRACY SMOTHERS:
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, Nov. 21st 1999)
* Well I’ll be dipped! TRACY SMOTHERS did time as a jobber in late ’90s WWF! I thought Freddie Joe Floyd was his only run! Rikishi’s name is actually spelled “Rakishi Fatu” on the chyron, while Tracy gets the jobber entrance. Rikishi’s dropped the weird suspender-top thingie, and now has his hair in the ponytail it’d be in for the rest of his run/career.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today might have the most disparate stuff in a WHILE, as I find a match by Great Kokina (Yokozuna) all the way back in 1988 when he’s green as grass, taking on the even FATTER Otto Wanz in Germany’s CWA promotion! Come see what the veteran can do with the super-limited rookie in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!

Speaking of obesity, I also wanted to check out the debut of Rikishi Fatu in the WWF, as Fatu comes back with a new push and added bulk, using All The Fat Guy Moves in some impressive squashes, first against Julio Fantastico (the future Julio Dinero) and Crash Holly on back to back Shotgun Saturday Nights! Turns out I did remember right- he was hitting the Banzai Drop AND the Earthquake Vertical Splash in his early stuff! Then a request, as I find a pair of Eddie Guerrero vs. “Gentleman” Chris Adams matches from WCW Saturday Night shows in 1997 and 1999! Finally, it’s more All Japan, as we see Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Toshiaki Kawada in a big showcase of Kawada’s chances in 1991 against the true Ace of the promotion!

CWA TITLE:
OTTO WANZ vs. GREAT KOKINA:
(CWA, Nov. 17th 1988)
* Oh, now this is just crazy- OTTO WANZ vs. Yokozuna (Kokina) in 1988! Otto Wanz is, of course, the guy in charge of CWA, the European territory where people just call it “Otto Wanz’s Territory” without explaining who Otto Wanz is, so I only know him as “the guy who has a territory in Germany” (apparently Austria mostly, haha). CWA also calls this a World Title, which… fair enough? Guys come from all over the place to fight for it in these weird round-based matches. Everyone’s music is hilariously dull and silly, and Wanz looks NOTHING like I imagined- I was predicting a middle-weight unfun German guy with a good amateur-style physique and a plain blue singlet, and instead I get a corpulent fatty in a garish pastel blue and pink striped singlet. This man is FATTER THAN KOKINA! Which makes this my favorite ever type of match… a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! After last week’s WWF tape, I figured I’d go for more disparate weird things, from outliers to requests to spectacularly awful indie garbage (see the above pic)! First off, it’s Yokozuna back when he was an up & comer in 1989 AWA, as “Kokina Maximus” takes on job guy rookie and future ECW & TNA star Jerry Lynn! Then it’s over to NOAH in Japan for a bizarre one, as Claudio Castagnoli and indie long-timer Chris Hero team up to take on one of the four pillars, Akira Taue, alongside Jun Izumida in a comedy match!

Then a request, as the most “2001 WWE D-Show” match possible has Crash Holly teaming up with Too Cool against Raven, Perry Saturn & Tazz on WWF Jakked! Then it’s some of the worst indie crap you’ve ever seen, as Bobby Bold Eagle, a 60-year old white guy dressed in warpaint doing an “Indian” gimmick takes on an Abdullah the Butcher knockoff in 1984 WWA! BUT FIRST…

I will never forget this one. So the time is 1999. My dad was helping out a young coworker move into a new house and lay sod in the back yard, and recruited me for it as well. This was a RAW night, so I was of course taping it. But we were finished sometime after RAW started and we went back into the house for food or what have you as the guy’s wife was watching TV. And of course I was like “hey, how about RAW?”. Being seventeen years old, I couldn’t WAIT to show these 20-something newlyweds how cool wrestling had become, how “adult” and edgy it was now! No longer was it the childish, goofy thing of the past- ADULTS could watch it and feel no shame! I was so proud of how I would spread my interest to others and showcase what I loved about wrestling so much.

So we flip channels, set it to RAW mid-show, and what’s the first thing we see?… the in-ring debut… of BEAVER FUCKING CLEAVAGE.

HARRY “BEAVER” CLEAVAGE (w/ Mrs. Cleavage) vs. CHRISTIAN:
(WWF RAW, May 31st 1999)
* So yes, this is WWF Headbanger Mosh repackaged as “Beaver Cleavage”, who appeared in goofy vignettes focused around his mother’s cleavage. His mother was of course a woman around the same age as Beaver, who nonetheless acted like a child. So “The Beav” comes out dressed in kiddie shorts and a suit & tie, plus a propeller beanie, arm in arm with “his mother”, wearing a dress with a short skirt and open cleavage. Of course the entrance is filmed in black & white- gotta keep to the gimmick! And… fuck me, his name was actually Harry Beaver?

“I love beavers!’ cries Jerry Lawler as I try to explain to these people whose home I’ve just defiled that “oh haha, they’re just doing a silly thing where he pretends to act like Beaver Cleaver!” like this is clever, and the guy’s wife was like “haha, her name is Cleavage and she’s showing cleavage…” in a manner that was in no way an uncomfortable attempt to humor me. I have no recollection of the rest of the evening and this has never been mentioned again. I can only assume that my soul left my body permanently, and I would desperately like to say I never tried to push my wrestling fandom on anyone ever again, especially not my college friend Ben on the very episode where Vince McMahon debuted the “Kiss My Ass Club” and showed his pearly-white ass cheeks on TV as William Regal kissed them.

Babyface vs. Babyface matches in the WWF are super-rare and always interesting. Especially when one team always shows a willingness to cheat.

WWF WRESTLEFEST ’91:
* AMAZING. The WWE Vault has been uploading all sorts of old Coliseum Videos. These were great fun to rent as a kid- in an era where every syndicated show was jobber squashes and ending with Owen Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigelow as your only star match, these were actually kind of a great sight. Of course, in retrospect it’s all fuck finishes and guys mostly dogging it in matches, but it provides TONS of rarities. Like this one- The Ultimate Warrior vs. Earthquake! The Mountie vs. The Big Boss Man! The Rockers vs. Power & Glory! Ted DiBiase vs. The Texas Tornado! Koko B. Ware vs. The Warlord! British Bulldog vs. Haku! Marty Jannetty vs. Pat Tanaka! Rick “The Model” Martel vs. a BABYFACE Greg “The Hammer” Valentine! And a huge dream match- The Legion of Doom vs. The Hart Foundation! Babyface vs. Babyface! Good thing Bret doesn’t have a history of wrestling like a total asshole every time his opponent is another babyface!

Our host is “Macho Man” Randy Savage, “Man of Leisure”, resting by his pool and having a nightmare about the Ultimate Warrior defeating him at WrestleMania VII. Newly retired, Savage would be a commentator/host for a while until Warrior quit, requiring him to get into a feud with Jake Roberts that is well-remembered today but was a total box office bust. Our commentary team for this is Lord Alfred Hayes with Sean Mooney, which is an odd “C-Team” duo, as we’ll see.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. EARTHQUAKE (w/ Jimmy Hart):
* Probably the tape’s main event leads us off, with a 27-year old Tenta looking positively ancient in a pre-match green-screen interview where he references their history (a push-up contest from I think late 1989). Warrior’s in orange, and Quake is in his later gear (much more elaborate and dignified than his baby blue unitard).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have another treat- more RUSS DAVIS commentating 1950s wrestling, as Gorgeous George takes on surly Hans Schnabel in Chicago way back in 1950! Come see George be the first wrestler to have his own entrance music and do much of his “cheating heel” act in a carry-job! Then it’s over to Mexico as my search for more awful Giant Warrior performances sees him team up with YOKOZUNA (in his run as “Kokina”) and Canek against the lucha trio of Dos Caras, Tieneblas & Tieneblas Jr.! And I finalize the obsession with this shitty 7-footer by sharing ANOTHER match- one from Texas against Brian “Spanky” Kendrick! In Shawn Michaels’s indie promotion! Where Giant Warrior is now acting as Tiger Steele and is now a DIESEL rip-off! Then I found one more Eric Angle match as he takes on Johnny Spade in his OVW return from 14 months off for arm surgeries!

GORGEOUS GEORGE vs. HANS SCHNABEL:
(Chicago Amphitheatre, 11/03/1950)
* Yes, it’s time for more Russ Davis commentary in the Chicago Amphitheatre! My happy place! This is of course featuring one of the most influential wrestlers in history (if not #1 with a bullet), the Human Orchid- Gorgeous George! George is immediately my hero by huffily waving an ostrich-feather fan at the fans (“One of the— OH NO, Ostrich fea– well SHADES OF SALLY RAND! Puh-lease! Ostrich feathers, no less!”- Davis). “Say, aren’t we done up beautifully! Now George, don’t be sensitive because the customers are hooting and yelling!”. George, notably, is coming down to “Pomp and Circumstance”, I believe having invented the notion of a wrestler having his own theme song. Davis is beside himself, cracking up at “Yes, the robe is PINK”. George looks disagreeably at his nonplussed opponent, bows to the crowd, then tosses his “Georgie Pins” to them (kids are seen excitedly going for them). Davis calls out George’s tight curls, arranged in a little “halo” around his head, and emphasizes that George would not agree to wrestle until Schnabel swore he would let the hair be. The fans boo over the announcer introducing the Human Orchid. George of course makes a big fuss when the ref checks them over, insisting on getting a look at Schnabel, then acting aggrieved when the referee (Novak, who Davis points out “drives a taxicab” during the other eight hours he works- “And so he’s not known as a gentle person, either”). “Oh hello, a bustle if you PLEASE!” cries Davis as more of George’s regalia is uncovered- he’d assumed this was all a one-piece gown. haah Novak puts his hands on both guy’s shoulders during instructions and George just has this >:-[ look at him when he realizes it, causing Novak to pull his hand away, rolling his eyes in frustration. George also expresses annoyance at the whistles and hooting as he finally disrobes after 2 minutes of wasting time.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have ANOTHER Butch Masters/Giant Warrior match, as the 7′ scrub shows up again in 1990 All Japan teaming with Skywalker Nitron (Tyler “Sabretooth” Mane)… and their opponents are two of the Four Pillars, Misawa & Kawada! But it’s a fancam and 2-4 years before their peak as workers! Come see what to GOAT-tier talent do to wrestle two absolute scrubs who are too big to throw around!

Next up, it’s a Sunday Night Heat request, as Val Venis in his “Jobber Era” gets his first-ever match against RIC FLAIR! Then I find a random Midnight Express tag team match from 1986 as Loverboy Dennis and Beautiful Bobby face the Kansas Jayhawks- Dutch Mantel & Bobby Jaggers! Then it’s over to WCW Worldwide as eras collide- WCCW’s 1980s talent “Gentleman” Chris Adams gets a match against beanpole Ultimo Dragon trainee TOKYO MAGNUM! Finally, it’s a rare OVW appearance by ERIC ANGLE, Kurt’s brother, as he takes on the promotion’s pseudo-top star, Doug Basham!

MITSUHARU MISAWA & TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. THE LAND OF GIANTS (Butch Masters & Skywalker Nitron):
(All Japan Fancam, 1990)
* You have no idea how happy I was to find this match- there are few things more interesting than watching GOAT-tier talent deal with total incompetents in the ring. Like… can they make a good match out of it? How will they attempt to? Will the big guys flummox their every attempt at getting this past **? Or is this a mid-tier tour show where they’re not gonna try very hard? You see a LOT of those, even in All Japan. And… oh, it’s actually just a fancam show so yeah- expecting effort is a fool’s errand haha. Another wrinkle- this is 1990, 3-4 years before the real Four Kings of All Japan really formed. Are Misawa & Kawada quite as good at this point? So the Land of Giants are impossibly bad giant wrestlers- Tyler Mane from the X-Men movie and Butch, who was seen last week as “Giant Warrior”, and is EVEN WORSE). They’re in matching red tights and come down to Dungeon of Doom/Giant Gonzalez-esque music. The crowd appears awed by their size at first but quickly boos seeing these total scrubs do generic roars and poses.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I start off with a request: It’s Jamal, late of Three Minute Warning and pre-Umaga, in 2004 All Japan wrestling Toshiaki Kawada for the Triple Crown! Come see what a 41-year old Kawada can do with a midcard tag team wrestler getting his biggest push to date!

Next up, it’s a bizarre Puerto Rican match, as WWF’s Demolition (Smash & Crush) head to town to face top babyface TNT (Savio Vega ripping off Great Muta) and Giant Warrior- a god-awful Caucasian giant who stood out as bad on a team with Tyler Mane on it (as the “Land of Giants” in All Japan)! Then finally it’s a pair of interesting matches from the same 1997 edition of WCW Saturday Night, as first the Texas Hangmen (Disorderly Conduct’s old gimmick) face the rare nWo duo of Syxx & Konnan, and then Ric Flair & Curt Hennig team up against Mortis & Wrath!

ALL JAPAN TRIPLE CROWN:
TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. JAMAL:
(All Japan, 06/12/2004)
* This comes recommended for my column! I forget by who! Umaga, who had kinda started out in FMW in Japan in the late ’90s, comes to All Japan, dressed more like he was as Jamal in Three Minute Warning (ie. no facepaint)… oh, he’s called “Umaga” on the video but here he’s clearly called Jamal. And to show how F’d up my personal timeline is, I’d had this written down as “newly fired from WWE”, thinking it was post-Umaga, when he hasn’t even STARTED being called “Umaga” yet- this is actually between WWE runs, as he spent a couple of years away before returning as the Samoan Bulldozer. So at this point he’s just “One half of Three Minute Warning” in terms of credibility. We get several clips of him allied with Taka Michinoku’s stable of heels and powerbombing guys like crazy. Light reactions for both guys- I swear the ref gets more of one. Jamal is MUCH more physically large than Kawada, being a bit taller but a LOT more stout. He’s wearing some tape over most of his right arm, covering a NASTY bicep bruise.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah have I got the goods for you today! Riki Choshu vs. TOM MAGEE! The hapless newbie idiot who went through WWF, impressed Vince to the point of being his next big find, then immediately being exposed as a useless kid who had to be carried! And he’s in All Japan wrestling a guy who speaks a different language and does a different style! In a weirdo match with rounds in it!

Then it’s an even weirder match as indie dorks Nick Gage and Jimmy Lloyd take on the 58-year old FACES OF FEAR, Meng and the Barbarian! Come see a match that’s both awkward AND lazily wrestled! Then a massive treat, as I’ve finally found footage of DOUBLE TROUBLE in the WWF! Yes, Val & Tony Puccio, formerly “The Undertakers”, as a pair of house show JTTS guys, as they take on the Headshrinkers for the WWF Tag Team Titles in a house show fancam video from 1994! And finally, I find two matches to fit my exceedingly-expensive column header- it’s Dream Matches legend JIM POWERS in a pair of Prime Time matches against Bob Bradley! Yes, the two Jobber Gods wrestle! And have to fill several minutes of time! Guess how guys who usually eat offense end up filling their matches when they have to GIVE it?

MARTIAL ARTS MATCH:
10 FIVE MINUTE ROUNDS:
RIKI CHOSHU vs. TOM MAGEE:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Jan. 14th 1986)
* Oh, BEAUTIFUL. I had no idea this ever existed. Apparently Tom Magee, legendary failure, made his way around a few places. Obviously a guy with a 10/10 physique and the ability to do CRAZY FLIPZ was gonna be given a look by any promoter with a brain, which makes the traegedy of his suckiness all the more profound. Like you gotta put this guy in the ring and see what he has, you know? Here, he immediately impersses by doing an inward flip off the top rope, landing on his feet, then doing a second one on the cue from his Japanese second. Sadly, he still looks like a total dork-ass, breathing through his mouth on the way to the ring like a total nerd- the perm and big pointy nose (shaped like a perfect triangle, like Lois Griffin’s) aren’t helping- he basically looks like Roided Screech. Choshu, with his floppy ’80s hair and iconic tiny lil’ white boots, looks much more serious and less dorky.

Ultimate Warrior, master of chain wrestling, doing rollups. Somehow I don’t think he’s calling this one.

WWF IN BOSTON GARDEN:
(March 5th 1988)
* Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I got ANOTHER Boston Garden show! And this one has an “unbelievable happening”, as Monsoon would say it. A Main Event of Macho Man Randy Savage and STRIKE FORCE vs. The Honky Tonk Man and the Hart Foundation! And more importantly, DINO BRAVO vs. DAVID SAMMARTINO! And holy shitballs, judging by these timestamps that could legit go 20 minutes! (alas, nope) We also have “The King” Harley Race vs. The Ultimate Warrior! The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. The Glamour Girls! The Rougeau Brothers vs. Demolition! Jack “The Snake” Roberts vs. “Outlaw” Ron Bass! Sam Houston vs. Dangerous Danny Davis! And we start with an main event in any arena in the country, S.D. Jones vs. Steve Lombardi!

And our hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes! I predict lots of in-jokes and low-key burials!

S.D. JONES vs. STEVE LOMBARDI:
* Oh come on with this shit, haha. I know they love to put the most bottom-tier trash imaginable on these shows, but the two Final Boss Jobbers together? Lombardi’s in black trunks and SD Jones, with a MASSIVE steroid gut, is in red. Always funny how even the jobbers here are way on the gas to the point where their stances are all funny.

They exchange ultra-basics to start, Lombardi being extra whiny while Monsoon & Hayes joke about “The Terry Garvin School of Self-Defense” and how they spotted Garvin in the back, “expressly to watch Lombardi”, who keeps charging into Jones and taking bumps while they point out this is a sign of his inexperience. Man, remember when Lombardi wasn’t an old hand? Hayes: “Lombardi has picked up one or two good victories recently” “He has? I must have missed those!” “*laughs*” “Was I away? Was I ill?” “Well I think it was on the *B* circuit”. Lombardi catches Jones after a leapfrog with a clothesline while Monsoon points out Jones “didn’t bother to break a sweat in the dressing room”. They bury his sloppy chinlock but Jones hoists him up using power. Lombardi uses heel tactics to control as Monsoon buries how he “wastes so much time after he DOES an effective move!” then suggests he met Brutus Beefcake for that haircut “I don’t imagine anyone would PAY for something like that!”. Lombardi does the “walk & stomp” and they both gouge the eyes and the crowd is dying, but SD’s invincible head cues his comeback of PLODDING FISTICUFFS. But after a slow-motion sunset flip exchange, Lombardi catches Jones with his head down an an inside cradle gets the win at (8:04). Jones bitches about the count, and rightly so- cartoonishly fast.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I found a very rare one from Memphis, as former AWA Champion Nick Bockwinkel comes to town, this time as a BABYFACE, up against the territory’s top heel “Macho Man” Randy Savage! In a pretty long TV match, too! Then it’s over to the WWF as the Undertaker faces his first major singles challenge in big Tugboat in the prelude to WrestleMania VII! Then it’s WCW time as the Faces of Fear take on jobber Michael Nova and GANGREL- it’s Dave Heath in a black singlet as a jobber shortly before his WWF debut! Check out how much he gets to do in this WCW Worldwide squash! Then it’s more WCW action as Juventud Guerrera takes on Villano IV… but under his real name as the maskless Ray Mendoza, Jr., because he worked twice on this taping! And finally, AT LAST I brave Pancrase! I mostly avoided the “Worked Shoot/Shoot Sometimes” feds because I have no idea what is real and what isn’t with them, but uhhhhh this one is pretty clear- it’s one of the biggest Pancrase matches ever as Bas Rutten defends the King of Pancrase Title against Masakatsu Funaki!

NICK BOCKWINKEL vs. “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Dutch Newman?):
(Memphis/CWA, 15.04.1985)
* Oh sweet Jesus! The Ace of the AWA wrestled SAVAGE? Epic. Nick is making a rare visit to Memphis- usually a heel, he’s now cheered against the far more evil Savage, then the territory’s top heel just before he heads to the WWF to make history. Man, promoters had to be salivating at the prospect of landing Savage. Nick’s in red trunks & Savage purple, already with the stars on them.

Not the headliner, but a great showcase of how Masa Fuchi puts some hilarious abuse on youngster Tsuyoshi Kikuchi in our final bout!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have another of Rey Mysterio’s famous ECW matches, as he takes on longtime nemesis Psicosis in late 1995! Watch these two more or less debut a whole new style to an American audience and leave NOTHING in the tank in a huge mass of moves and great heeling! Then it’s a fantastic “WTF?” match from ZERO-ONE as Shinya Hashimoto defends the NWA World Title (yes, that one) against NATHAN JONES! One of the legit WOAT wrestlers and Shinya… actually kind of carries him?! Come see! He does as good as maybe anyone ever!

Then it’s another in the massive series of Mitsuharu Misawa/Toshiaki Kawada/Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs. Jumbo Tsuruta/Akira Taue/Masanabu Fuchi matches! This one features Misawa lying on the floor all match due to a nose injury, so see how “abusing Kikuchi” can turn into an entire match! Then watch Juventud Guerrera and “Hardwork” Bobby Walker fight on WCW Pro and show you just how hard it can be to mesh two diametrically-different styles!

BEST OF THREE FALLS MATCH:
REY MISTERIO, JR. vs. PSICOSIS:
(ECW, 10/17/1995)
* More or Rey in ECW! This is from Oct. 1995, which is at the razor’s edge of lucha becoming known to American fans. Psicosis, in white gear, is

FIRST FALL: Immediately the two reveal their insanity as Rey backflips off the top rope, slides Psicosis to the floor, then planchas him over the guardrail so they crash upside-down into the front row, then does a TOPE over the top that does the same thing! A lightning-fast hurricanrana off a whip gets Rey the first fall at (1:20). Psicosis, importantly, sells this like he’s completely wiped out, flopping around and dazed.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I was searching for a lucha 6-man but instead found the WWE Vault had uploaded the legendary Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Juventud Guerrera match from ECW’s Big Ass Extreme Bash! This is extremely interesting, as the match became a sort of internet legend and a big of a “sacred cow”, but I’ve never seen it, so I really wanted to see how it holds up to a modern lens! Is it a true lucha masterpiece! Or were fans overly impressed with a standard-issue spotfest because we’d never seen the style before? Watch and see if it holds up!

Next up, it’s a USWA team someone told me about- Meat & Potatoes, THE FAT BOYS! They take on jobber team The Intruder and The Invader in a match that makes a hash of tag team rules and the idea that wrestlers need cardiovascular training. Then it’s the NO LIMIT SOLDIERS in WCW as B.A. (Brad Armstrong) teams up with Swoll to take on the First Family- Hugh Morrus and LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn! And boy does THIS match not take on the image I was expecting! Over to WWF as I finally find room for ANOTHER JIM POWERS MATCH! Here he takes on the Undertaker in his first six months as a wrestler- I like Jimmy’s chances! Finally, it’s 1997 WCW with a clean-faced, short-haired JERRY LYNN as a job guy up against the lowest luchadore on the roster, Ciclope!

BEST OF THREE FALLS MATCH:
REY MYSTERIO, JR. vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(ECW Big Ass Extreme Bash, March 1996)
* Hey look! I found a Rey/Juvi match! I was looking for a 6-man someone linked me once but forgot to wrote down, but this is neat! These matches (Rey wrestling Juvi & Psychosis twice a month for a while) more or less introduced lucha libre to American fans, immediately drawing the attention of WCW, who hired them all away. Which is what ACTUALLY introduced most of htem to Americans. Rey had entered ECW in late 1995 and only wrestled a couple of times a month, mostly with Psicosis, then did a few matches with Juventud the next year- this match pretty much got them all signed to WCW. Fittingly, they were all regular opponents in Mexico, making them great “playmates” to illustrate the style in other countries. This match ended up kind of becoming a legend, in part due to word of mouth and “I heard that…” and part from fans who actually SAW the match, and it was definitely a tape-traders dream. But I’ve never actually seen it, and have heard that retrospect is less kind! Both guys are in long red tights here, and both are masked.

And you think guys TODAY can draw heat.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a duo of matches from a Rowdy Roddy Piper/Bruno Sammartino feud that ran during the Winter of 1985-86 in the Boston market! They ran a dual feud in East Rutherford, New Jersey, too- probably juicing local houses with the old legend coming out to teach Piper what’s what. It followed to intense Piper’s Pit segments where Bruno got beaten down after threatening to bludgeon the top heel in the promotion. The singles match leads to a tag match the next month, with Paul Orndorff backing Bruno against Piper and his buddy Bob Orton.

Then it’s another in the great All Japan Trios Series, as it’s Jumbo Tsuruta, Masanabu Fuchi & Akira Taue against rising stars Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Where the name of the game is “Sucks to Be Taue”, as the poor lummox gets the absolute dogshit beaten out of him again and again, until Kawada finally provokes Jumbo one too many times and the old man gets enraged at him. And finally, a request as I take on a “WTF?” All Japan match from 2002, as the washed-up KroniK (yes, really) take on the washed-up Dr. Death Steve Williams & Mike Rotunda, Mike Barton & “Jungle” Jim Steele, and the washed-up Johnny Smith and George Hines!

ROWDY RODDY PIPER vs. BRUNO SAMMARTINO:
(WWF Boston Garden, Dec. 7th 1985)
* So this match is preceded by an absolutely AMAZING promo the month before, where Piper is with Bob Orton and talks about how horrible Boston is, how he couldn’t find any pretty young ladies (“I did find some pretty boys DRESSED UP like ladies, though”) and riffing on the fans… then spots a large “Roddy Piper has AIDS” sign in the crowd. The camera of course catches this and Piper hangs on it for several seconds, then makes a point to say “There’s a sign here that says Piper Has AIDS”, which earns a TREMENDOUS crowd pop, and the 40-something chubsters holding the sign high-five each other while people around them are laughing their asses off. So Piper dunks on everyone with “I’m sorry but the disease originated in the United States, and I’m not FROM here!”.

He riffs on the fans, calls them ugly, working them into a frenzy (they’re LOVING it as you can see 12-year olds flipping him off and old ladies laughing). And then when Sammartino comes out, he doesn’t let Piper dunk on him one bit- he immediately threatens to beat the shit out of him, repeatedly calls him “a piece of garbage” and won’t let him get a single word in- in other words, he’s not some passive babyface loser getting swallowed up by a charismatic heel- he’s strong, vital and threatening. So Piper just says “You’re a piece of shit!” and slaps him in the mouth! Sammartino immediately lays waste to the heels- haha check Orton doing a Superman dive after a single punch, and Piper rolling across the ring off a shoulder-nudge. Sammartino mounts Piper and slaps the shit out of him, but in comes Orton with the cast and they double-team Bruno and kick the old man in the nuts to drop him. What absolute pieces of garbage, haha- 50-year old Bruno and they gotta double-team him and kick ‘im in the balls.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have the other big YouTube video featuring Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle- this one future WCW referee Brian “Mark Curtis” Hildebrand as Kowabunga, taking on flabby manager Jim Cornette in a comedy match! A… my god, a LONG comedy match! Smoky Mountain Wrestling, everyone! Then a strange 1997 WCW match as New Japan’s Yuji Nagata takes on Pat Tanaka, already a relic from a bygone era 7 years after his peak! Also I have the first ever squash match of The Undertaker! Back when he was “Kane the Undertaker” and still had Brother Love as his manager- I kind of find the whole early months of workshopping the gimmick fascinating.

Then it’s the most “2000s Velocity” match possible, as a Ring of Honor guy does jobbing duty against a Generic WWE Create-A-Wrestler- it’s Gunner Scott (Brent Albright) vs. Colt Cabana in 2006! And then it’s more of me looking into Deuce & Domino’s careers, as I found Deuce’s repackaging on a Dec. 2008 RAW as he takes on Rey Mysterio and announces his real name- Sim Snuka!

JIM CORNETTE vs. KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE:
(Smoky Mountain Wrestling Fancam, Aug. 19th 1993)
* So Jim Cornette, currently making a living ripping on dumb shit AEW does on YouTube, is of course wrestling a Ninja Turtle in his own promotion XD. TO BE FAIR, it’s a “Heel Manager Gets Humililated” match, where it doesn’t really matter who the babyface is. Cornette, pudgy body (still looks better than Chris Jericho now) and all, is out there is red tights that cover his entire body, making him look like a fat superhero cosplayer, and he looks ultra-annoyed to be there. His flabby gut looks extra-bad in way-too-tight clothing, which is the point. And HOLY FUCKING SHIT KOWABUNGA USES “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!” AS THIS THEME! THIS MATCH IS ***** ALREADY HOLY SHIT! Kowabunga here is wearing a different costume than the Memphis one, and is apparently Mark Curtis under the mask.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I didn’t write one for this Wednesday, since I figured Christmas Day wasn’t gonna be a good time for readership/engagement, plus I didn’t have the time before my vacation to actually WRITE a column, so I’ll post a three-match Friday column! This one features a Japan-style FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the former Mabel & Viscersa, “Big Daddy Voodoo”, heads to the bizarre, sleazy version of All Japan Pro Wrestling, as the former “King’s Road” now offers Mabel vs. Ryota Hama, a 400-lb. Japanese dude! This one deserves watching just for the “What the FUCK?” nature of the finish, which is one of the most dangerous ever.

Next up, a wild dream match in Lucha’s UWA promotion, as Bam Bam Bigelow teams up with the Samoan Swat Team against lucha legends El Canek, Fishman & Dos Caras! And finally, the last of the Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Norton matches- in Scott’s last-ever WCW match on WCW Thunder!

BIG DADDY VOODOO vs. RYOTA HAMA:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, 02.07.2010)
* WOOOOOOOOOOOOO YESSSSSSSSSSSSS it’s Big Daddy V vs. a hugely fat Japanese guy! You can even get FAT MAN STAND-OFFS in Japan! Voodoo is around 40 years old here, sporting a sleeveless black shirt and pants that are way too tight, revealing his disproportionately scrawny legs. Hama is like a foot shorter but almost as wide as V, and comes down to a 1970s-style disco version of the Imperial March from Star Wars. He’s a 2-year vet at this point, and still wrestles today, having gone to Wrestle-1 in 2013, then Big Japan. This has “indie sleaze” written all over it, which is pretty sad considering 20 years before this was Misawa/Jumbo wrestling perfection, haha.

Most guys don’t LITERALLY go nose to nose, but when dealing with so much mutual manliness, there may be no other choice.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First up is a HOSS MATCH, as Bill Goldberg takes on Scott Norton from an April 1998 Nitro! And following that a REMATCH from the following January! Which one will get blown up from going long first?! Will Norton sell anything!? Will GOLDBERG!?! So much drama!

And this week, I wanted to start another “series” of All Japan classics- Jumbo vs. The Kids On His Lawn! All Japan’s elder Ace Jumbo Tsuruta teams up with his young student Akira Taue and elder shitbag Masanobu Fuchi as they take on Misawa, the up & coming future Ace and his best friend Toshiaki Kawada, and the much weaker junior division wrestler Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Can both teams keep their weaker members safe and pick up the win? What happens when Misawa’s desire to overcome Jumbo makes him lose his temper? Read on!

Next up, it’s a very “2006 WWE Heat” match, as The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera (w/ Val Venis) takes on Tyson Tomko (w/ Snitsky). Following that, a pair of 2008 SmackDown! matches sees former Tag Champions Deuce ‘N Domino take on Jesse & Festus, in the end of D&D’s WWE run!

WCW U.S. TITLE:
BILL GOLDBERG vs. SCOTT NORTON:
(WCW Nitro, April 27th 1998)
* SWEET GOD YES!!! After watching any Scott Norton match, you’ll see this big barrel-shaped guy just ignore everything thrown at him because he sucks and doesn’t really get that even supposedly-invincible Monster Heels need to sell SOME of the time. Like who the fuck is this guy to be selling less than ANDRE THE GIANT did? So it’ll be glorious seeing him get fed to Goldberg. Nose to nose, they do look like a vision of destruction- Norton is nearly as tall and MUCH broader.

Andre, a total asshole, takes the WWF Title and raises it high above his head in the post-match.

WWF AT THE LOS ANGELES SPORTS ARENA:
(Aug. 13th 1988)
* It’s time for more Dream Matches! With this one, I’m going back to the LA Coliseum shows, as these produce some fun match-ups. In particular, this one is main evented by MACHO MAN vs. ANDRE THE GIANT, a colossal match-up that didn’t actually end up on TV very much. I’ve heard that Andre was notoriously rough and non-giving with Savage (allegedly because he didn’t like how Randy treated Elizabeth, which is hearsay to the point of “obvious bullshit”), and 1988 Andre is always a questionable watch in the ring, but I’ve come around on his work a lot over the years and was curious about it. And we also have other amazing matches lined up, including a masked OWEN HART showing up pre-Blue Blazer to take on Barry Horowitz (for FIFTEEN MINUTES!), Sam Houston vs. Black Jack, “Ravishing” Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts, the Powers of Pain vs. the Bolsheviks and Curt Hennig vs. SD Jones! For… oh god that one’s a long one, too.

Parts of this show honestly feel like “tryouts” for Owen & Curt to work their gimmicks and styles out, or figure out their pluses and minuses in LONG matches against job guys.

SAM HOUSTON vs. BLACK JACK:
* And we amazingly start with a JOBBER MATCH! Jack has a weirdly broad back and is so TV-unfriendly he keeps his back to the hard cameras for like 3 solid minutes before the bell sounds. AMATEUR HOUR! He has a great jobber look- broad back but a nothign physique and black tights pulled up past his belly-button, making him look 50 years old. This is Jack Armstrong, a 25-year veteran by this point, so he just might be! Classic Assassin-type mask- black & red. Houston does a goofy line-dance quick-step all the way around the ring to start, looking like a total goober, and as soon as the piped-in music cuts out you can hear Graham burying his physique on commentary, complaining about how “If he wants to continue is progress in the WWF brotha, he’s got to get into the gym PUMP BIG-TIME IRON, to put some body weight on that lean body of his!”. Monsoon is the voice of reason, pointing out that someone so young might have a hard time gaining weight.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I finally take care of an old request- a LEGITIMATE dream match, taking place in 1990 NWA/WCW when Arn Anderson challenges for the Great Muta’s WCW TV Title! Following that, a crazy mish-mash of talent on WCW Thunder in 1999, as Chris Benoit & Dean Malenko team up with Kidman against Raven, Perry Saturn & Rey Mysterio Jr.- who is Kidman’s Tag Champion teammate! Next up, it’s a Bill Goldberg squash, as he takes down the OTHER Beverly Brother, Mike Enos on WCW Thunder! Then it’s a long Rick “The Model” Martel vs. Thurman “My Friends Call Me Sparky” Plugg match from All-American Wrestling in *1994*, Martel ticking down his dates before leaving again!

NWA TV TITLE:
THE GREAT MUTA vs. ARN ANDERSON:
(NWA Power Hour, Jan. 1990)
* Oh yeah- this one’s been on the docket for like two years but I just never checked it out for whatever reason, figuring it was too long/too big to be locked in. It’s funny, because “on paper” this is something you’d expect could get **** or so, but the nature of TV matches means it’s probably truncated and not as hard-fought as a really important match- even in 1990 guys were less likely to chase “bangers” (ugh) and more “just get the job done”. Arn’s in black trunks and Muta’s in long red martial arts pants with black facepaint. I have seen almost none of Muta’s US content, so this’ll be interesting.