Dream Matches — page 5

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have ANOTHER Butch Masters/Giant Warrior match, as the 7′ scrub shows up again in 1990 All Japan teaming with Skywalker Nitron (Tyler “Sabretooth” Mane)… and their opponents are two of the Four Pillars, Misawa & Kawada! But it’s a fancam and 2-4 years before their peak as workers! Come see what to GOAT-tier talent do to wrestle two absolute scrubs who are too big to throw around!

Next up, it’s a Sunday Night Heat request, as Val Venis in his “Jobber Era” gets his first-ever match against RIC FLAIR! Then I find a random Midnight Express tag team match from 1986 as Loverboy Dennis and Beautiful Bobby face the Kansas Jayhawks- Dutch Mantel & Bobby Jaggers! Then it’s over to WCW Worldwide as eras collide- WCCW’s 1980s talent “Gentleman” Chris Adams gets a match against beanpole Ultimo Dragon trainee TOKYO MAGNUM! Finally, it’s a rare OVW appearance by ERIC ANGLE, Kurt’s brother, as he takes on the promotion’s pseudo-top star, Doug Basham!

MITSUHARU MISAWA & TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. THE LAND OF GIANTS (Butch Masters & Skywalker Nitron):
(All Japan Fancam, 1990)
* You have no idea how happy I was to find this match- there are few things more interesting than watching GOAT-tier talent deal with total incompetents in the ring. Like… can they make a good match out of it? How will they attempt to? Will the big guys flummox their every attempt at getting this past **? Or is this a mid-tier tour show where they’re not gonna try very hard? You see a LOT of those, even in All Japan. And… oh, it’s actually just a fancam show so yeah- expecting effort is a fool’s errand haha. Another wrinkle- this is 1990, 3-4 years before the real Four Kings of All Japan really formed. Are Misawa & Kawada quite as good at this point? So the Land of Giants are impossibly bad giant wrestlers- Tyler Mane from the X-Men movie and Butch, who was seen last week as “Giant Warrior”, and is EVEN WORSE). They’re in matching red tights and come down to Dungeon of Doom/Giant Gonzalez-esque music. The crowd appears awed by their size at first but quickly boos seeing these total scrubs do generic roars and poses.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I start off with a request: It’s Jamal, late of Three Minute Warning and pre-Umaga, in 2004 All Japan wrestling Toshiaki Kawada for the Triple Crown! Come see what a 41-year old Kawada can do with a midcard tag team wrestler getting his biggest push to date!

Next up, it’s a bizarre Puerto Rican match, as WWF’s Demolition (Smash & Crush) head to town to face top babyface TNT (Savio Vega ripping off Great Muta) and Giant Warrior- a god-awful Caucasian giant who stood out as bad on a team with Tyler Mane on it (as the “Land of Giants” in All Japan)! Then finally it’s a pair of interesting matches from the same 1997 edition of WCW Saturday Night, as first the Texas Hangmen (Disorderly Conduct’s old gimmick) face the rare nWo duo of Syxx & Konnan, and then Ric Flair & Curt Hennig team up against Mortis & Wrath!

ALL JAPAN TRIPLE CROWN:
TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. JAMAL:
(All Japan, 06/12/2004)
* This comes recommended for my column! I forget by who! Umaga, who had kinda started out in FMW in Japan in the late ’90s, comes to All Japan, dressed more like he was as Jamal in Three Minute Warning (ie. no facepaint)… oh, he’s called “Umaga” on the video but here he’s clearly called Jamal. And to show how F’d up my personal timeline is, I’d had this written down as “newly fired from WWE”, thinking it was post-Umaga, when he hasn’t even STARTED being called “Umaga” yet- this is actually between WWE runs, as he spent a couple of years away before returning as the Samoan Bulldozer. So at this point he’s just “One half of Three Minute Warning” in terms of credibility. We get several clips of him allied with Taka Michinoku’s stable of heels and powerbombing guys like crazy. Light reactions for both guys- I swear the ref gets more of one. Jamal is MUCH more physically large than Kawada, being a bit taller but a LOT more stout. He’s wearing some tape over most of his right arm, covering a NASTY bicep bruise.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah have I got the goods for you today! Riki Choshu vs. TOM MAGEE! The hapless newbie idiot who went through WWF, impressed Vince to the point of being his next big find, then immediately being exposed as a useless kid who had to be carried! And he’s in All Japan wrestling a guy who speaks a different language and does a different style! In a weirdo match with rounds in it!

Then it’s an even weirder match as indie dorks Nick Gage and Jimmy Lloyd take on the 58-year old FACES OF FEAR, Meng and the Barbarian! Come see a match that’s both awkward AND lazily wrestled! Then a massive treat, as I’ve finally found footage of DOUBLE TROUBLE in the WWF! Yes, Val & Tony Puccio, formerly “The Undertakers”, as a pair of house show JTTS guys, as they take on the Headshrinkers for the WWF Tag Team Titles in a house show fancam video from 1994! And finally, I find two matches to fit my exceedingly-expensive column header- it’s Dream Matches legend JIM POWERS in a pair of Prime Time matches against Bob Bradley! Yes, the two Jobber Gods wrestle! And have to fill several minutes of time! Guess how guys who usually eat offense end up filling their matches when they have to GIVE it?

MARTIAL ARTS MATCH:
10 FIVE MINUTE ROUNDS:
RIKI CHOSHU vs. TOM MAGEE:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Jan. 14th 1986)
* Oh, BEAUTIFUL. I had no idea this ever existed. Apparently Tom Magee, legendary failure, made his way around a few places. Obviously a guy with a 10/10 physique and the ability to do CRAZY FLIPZ was gonna be given a look by any promoter with a brain, which makes the traegedy of his suckiness all the more profound. Like you gotta put this guy in the ring and see what he has, you know? Here, he immediately impersses by doing an inward flip off the top rope, landing on his feet, then doing a second one on the cue from his Japanese second. Sadly, he still looks like a total dork-ass, breathing through his mouth on the way to the ring like a total nerd- the perm and big pointy nose (shaped like a perfect triangle, like Lois Griffin’s) aren’t helping- he basically looks like Roided Screech. Choshu, with his floppy ’80s hair and iconic tiny lil’ white boots, looks much more serious and less dorky.

Ultimate Warrior, master of chain wrestling, doing rollups. Somehow I don’t think he’s calling this one.

WWF IN BOSTON GARDEN:
(March 5th 1988)
* Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I got ANOTHER Boston Garden show! And this one has an “unbelievable happening”, as Monsoon would say it. A Main Event of Macho Man Randy Savage and STRIKE FORCE vs. The Honky Tonk Man and the Hart Foundation! And more importantly, DINO BRAVO vs. DAVID SAMMARTINO! And holy shitballs, judging by these timestamps that could legit go 20 minutes! (alas, nope) We also have “The King” Harley Race vs. The Ultimate Warrior! The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. The Glamour Girls! The Rougeau Brothers vs. Demolition! Jack “The Snake” Roberts vs. “Outlaw” Ron Bass! Sam Houston vs. Dangerous Danny Davis! And we start with an main event in any arena in the country, S.D. Jones vs. Steve Lombardi!

And our hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes! I predict lots of in-jokes and low-key burials!

S.D. JONES vs. STEVE LOMBARDI:
* Oh come on with this shit, haha. I know they love to put the most bottom-tier trash imaginable on these shows, but the two Final Boss Jobbers together? Lombardi’s in black trunks and SD Jones, with a MASSIVE steroid gut, is in red. Always funny how even the jobbers here are way on the gas to the point where their stances are all funny.

They exchange ultra-basics to start, Lombardi being extra whiny while Monsoon & Hayes joke about “The Terry Garvin School of Self-Defense” and how they spotted Garvin in the back, “expressly to watch Lombardi”, who keeps charging into Jones and taking bumps while they point out this is a sign of his inexperience. Man, remember when Lombardi wasn’t an old hand? Hayes: “Lombardi has picked up one or two good victories recently” “He has? I must have missed those!” “*laughs*” “Was I away? Was I ill?” “Well I think it was on the *B* circuit”. Lombardi catches Jones after a leapfrog with a clothesline while Monsoon points out Jones “didn’t bother to break a sweat in the dressing room”. They bury his sloppy chinlock but Jones hoists him up using power. Lombardi uses heel tactics to control as Monsoon buries how he “wastes so much time after he DOES an effective move!” then suggests he met Brutus Beefcake for that haircut “I don’t imagine anyone would PAY for something like that!”. Lombardi does the “walk & stomp” and they both gouge the eyes and the crowd is dying, but SD’s invincible head cues his comeback of PLODDING FISTICUFFS. But after a slow-motion sunset flip exchange, Lombardi catches Jones with his head down an an inside cradle gets the win at (8:04). Jones bitches about the count, and rightly so- cartoonishly fast.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I found a very rare one from Memphis, as former AWA Champion Nick Bockwinkel comes to town, this time as a BABYFACE, up against the territory’s top heel “Macho Man” Randy Savage! In a pretty long TV match, too! Then it’s over to the WWF as the Undertaker faces his first major singles challenge in big Tugboat in the prelude to WrestleMania VII! Then it’s WCW time as the Faces of Fear take on jobber Michael Nova and GANGREL- it’s Dave Heath in a black singlet as a jobber shortly before his WWF debut! Check out how much he gets to do in this WCW Worldwide squash! Then it’s more WCW action as Juventud Guerrera takes on Villano IV… but under his real name as the maskless Ray Mendoza, Jr., because he worked twice on this taping! And finally, AT LAST I brave Pancrase! I mostly avoided the “Worked Shoot/Shoot Sometimes” feds because I have no idea what is real and what isn’t with them, but uhhhhh this one is pretty clear- it’s one of the biggest Pancrase matches ever as Bas Rutten defends the King of Pancrase Title against Masakatsu Funaki!

NICK BOCKWINKEL vs. “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Dutch Newman?):
(Memphis/CWA, 15.04.1985)
* Oh sweet Jesus! The Ace of the AWA wrestled SAVAGE? Epic. Nick is making a rare visit to Memphis- usually a heel, he’s now cheered against the far more evil Savage, then the territory’s top heel just before he heads to the WWF to make history. Man, promoters had to be salivating at the prospect of landing Savage. Nick’s in red trunks & Savage purple, already with the stars on them.

Not the headliner, but a great showcase of how Masa Fuchi puts some hilarious abuse on youngster Tsuyoshi Kikuchi in our final bout!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have another of Rey Mysterio’s famous ECW matches, as he takes on longtime nemesis Psicosis in late 1995! Watch these two more or less debut a whole new style to an American audience and leave NOTHING in the tank in a huge mass of moves and great heeling! Then it’s a fantastic “WTF?” match from ZERO-ONE as Shinya Hashimoto defends the NWA World Title (yes, that one) against NATHAN JONES! One of the legit WOAT wrestlers and Shinya… actually kind of carries him?! Come see! He does as good as maybe anyone ever!

Then it’s another in the massive series of Mitsuharu Misawa/Toshiaki Kawada/Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs. Jumbo Tsuruta/Akira Taue/Masanabu Fuchi matches! This one features Misawa lying on the floor all match due to a nose injury, so see how “abusing Kikuchi” can turn into an entire match! Then watch Juventud Guerrera and “Hardwork” Bobby Walker fight on WCW Pro and show you just how hard it can be to mesh two diametrically-different styles!

BEST OF THREE FALLS MATCH:
REY MISTERIO, JR. vs. PSICOSIS:
(ECW, 10/17/1995)
* More or Rey in ECW! This is from Oct. 1995, which is at the razor’s edge of lucha becoming known to American fans. Psicosis, in white gear, is

FIRST FALL: Immediately the two reveal their insanity as Rey backflips off the top rope, slides Psicosis to the floor, then planchas him over the guardrail so they crash upside-down into the front row, then does a TOPE over the top that does the same thing! A lightning-fast hurricanrana off a whip gets Rey the first fall at (1:20). Psicosis, importantly, sells this like he’s completely wiped out, flopping around and dazed.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I was searching for a lucha 6-man but instead found the WWE Vault had uploaded the legendary Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Juventud Guerrera match from ECW’s Big Ass Extreme Bash! This is extremely interesting, as the match became a sort of internet legend and a big of a “sacred cow”, but I’ve never seen it, so I really wanted to see how it holds up to a modern lens! Is it a true lucha masterpiece! Or were fans overly impressed with a standard-issue spotfest because we’d never seen the style before? Watch and see if it holds up!

Next up, it’s a USWA team someone told me about- Meat & Potatoes, THE FAT BOYS! They take on jobber team The Intruder and The Invader in a match that makes a hash of tag team rules and the idea that wrestlers need cardiovascular training. Then it’s the NO LIMIT SOLDIERS in WCW as B.A. (Brad Armstrong) teams up with Swoll to take on the First Family- Hugh Morrus and LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn! And boy does THIS match not take on the image I was expecting! Over to WWF as I finally find room for ANOTHER JIM POWERS MATCH! Here he takes on the Undertaker in his first six months as a wrestler- I like Jimmy’s chances! Finally, it’s 1997 WCW with a clean-faced, short-haired JERRY LYNN as a job guy up against the lowest luchadore on the roster, Ciclope!

BEST OF THREE FALLS MATCH:
REY MYSTERIO, JR. vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(ECW Big Ass Extreme Bash, March 1996)
* Hey look! I found a Rey/Juvi match! I was looking for a 6-man someone linked me once but forgot to wrote down, but this is neat! These matches (Rey wrestling Juvi & Psychosis twice a month for a while) more or less introduced lucha libre to American fans, immediately drawing the attention of WCW, who hired them all away. Which is what ACTUALLY introduced most of htem to Americans. Rey had entered ECW in late 1995 and only wrestled a couple of times a month, mostly with Psicosis, then did a few matches with Juventud the next year- this match pretty much got them all signed to WCW. Fittingly, they were all regular opponents in Mexico, making them great “playmates” to illustrate the style in other countries. This match ended up kind of becoming a legend, in part due to word of mouth and “I heard that…” and part from fans who actually SAW the match, and it was definitely a tape-traders dream. But I’ve never actually seen it, and have heard that retrospect is less kind! Both guys are in long red tights here, and both are masked.

And you think guys TODAY can draw heat.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a duo of matches from a Rowdy Roddy Piper/Bruno Sammartino feud that ran during the Winter of 1985-86 in the Boston market! They ran a dual feud in East Rutherford, New Jersey, too- probably juicing local houses with the old legend coming out to teach Piper what’s what. It followed to intense Piper’s Pit segments where Bruno got beaten down after threatening to bludgeon the top heel in the promotion. The singles match leads to a tag match the next month, with Paul Orndorff backing Bruno against Piper and his buddy Bob Orton.

Then it’s another in the great All Japan Trios Series, as it’s Jumbo Tsuruta, Masanabu Fuchi & Akira Taue against rising stars Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Where the name of the game is “Sucks to Be Taue”, as the poor lummox gets the absolute dogshit beaten out of him again and again, until Kawada finally provokes Jumbo one too many times and the old man gets enraged at him. And finally, a request as I take on a “WTF?” All Japan match from 2002, as the washed-up KroniK (yes, really) take on the washed-up Dr. Death Steve Williams & Mike Rotunda, Mike Barton & “Jungle” Jim Steele, and the washed-up Johnny Smith and George Hines!

ROWDY RODDY PIPER vs. BRUNO SAMMARTINO:
(WWF Boston Garden, Dec. 7th 1985)
* So this match is preceded by an absolutely AMAZING promo the month before, where Piper is with Bob Orton and talks about how horrible Boston is, how he couldn’t find any pretty young ladies (“I did find some pretty boys DRESSED UP like ladies, though”) and riffing on the fans… then spots a large “Roddy Piper has AIDS” sign in the crowd. The camera of course catches this and Piper hangs on it for several seconds, then makes a point to say “There’s a sign here that says Piper Has AIDS”, which earns a TREMENDOUS crowd pop, and the 40-something chubsters holding the sign high-five each other while people around them are laughing their asses off. So Piper dunks on everyone with “I’m sorry but the disease originated in the United States, and I’m not FROM here!”.

He riffs on the fans, calls them ugly, working them into a frenzy (they’re LOVING it as you can see 12-year olds flipping him off and old ladies laughing). And then when Sammartino comes out, he doesn’t let Piper dunk on him one bit- he immediately threatens to beat the shit out of him, repeatedly calls him “a piece of garbage” and won’t let him get a single word in- in other words, he’s not some passive babyface loser getting swallowed up by a charismatic heel- he’s strong, vital and threatening. So Piper just says “You’re a piece of shit!” and slaps him in the mouth! Sammartino immediately lays waste to the heels- haha check Orton doing a Superman dive after a single punch, and Piper rolling across the ring off a shoulder-nudge. Sammartino mounts Piper and slaps the shit out of him, but in comes Orton with the cast and they double-team Bruno and kick the old man in the nuts to drop him. What absolute pieces of garbage, haha- 50-year old Bruno and they gotta double-team him and kick ‘im in the balls.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have the other big YouTube video featuring Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle- this one future WCW referee Brian “Mark Curtis” Hildebrand as Kowabunga, taking on flabby manager Jim Cornette in a comedy match! A… my god, a LONG comedy match! Smoky Mountain Wrestling, everyone! Then a strange 1997 WCW match as New Japan’s Yuji Nagata takes on Pat Tanaka, already a relic from a bygone era 7 years after his peak! Also I have the first ever squash match of The Undertaker! Back when he was “Kane the Undertaker” and still had Brother Love as his manager- I kind of find the whole early months of workshopping the gimmick fascinating.

Then it’s the most “2000s Velocity” match possible, as a Ring of Honor guy does jobbing duty against a Generic WWE Create-A-Wrestler- it’s Gunner Scott (Brent Albright) vs. Colt Cabana in 2006! And then it’s more of me looking into Deuce & Domino’s careers, as I found Deuce’s repackaging on a Dec. 2008 RAW as he takes on Rey Mysterio and announces his real name- Sim Snuka!

JIM CORNETTE vs. KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE:
(Smoky Mountain Wrestling Fancam, Aug. 19th 1993)
* So Jim Cornette, currently making a living ripping on dumb shit AEW does on YouTube, is of course wrestling a Ninja Turtle in his own promotion XD. TO BE FAIR, it’s a “Heel Manager Gets Humililated” match, where it doesn’t really matter who the babyface is. Cornette, pudgy body (still looks better than Chris Jericho now) and all, is out there is red tights that cover his entire body, making him look like a fat superhero cosplayer, and he looks ultra-annoyed to be there. His flabby gut looks extra-bad in way-too-tight clothing, which is the point. And HOLY FUCKING SHIT KOWABUNGA USES “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!” AS THIS THEME! THIS MATCH IS ***** ALREADY HOLY SHIT! Kowabunga here is wearing a different costume than the Memphis one, and is apparently Mark Curtis under the mask.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I didn’t write one for this Wednesday, since I figured Christmas Day wasn’t gonna be a good time for readership/engagement, plus I didn’t have the time before my vacation to actually WRITE a column, so I’ll post a three-match Friday column! This one features a Japan-style FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the former Mabel & Viscersa, “Big Daddy Voodoo”, heads to the bizarre, sleazy version of All Japan Pro Wrestling, as the former “King’s Road” now offers Mabel vs. Ryota Hama, a 400-lb. Japanese dude! This one deserves watching just for the “What the FUCK?” nature of the finish, which is one of the most dangerous ever.

Next up, a wild dream match in Lucha’s UWA promotion, as Bam Bam Bigelow teams up with the Samoan Swat Team against lucha legends El Canek, Fishman & Dos Caras! And finally, the last of the Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Norton matches- in Scott’s last-ever WCW match on WCW Thunder!

BIG DADDY VOODOO vs. RYOTA HAMA:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, 02.07.2010)
* WOOOOOOOOOOOOO YESSSSSSSSSSSSS it’s Big Daddy V vs. a hugely fat Japanese guy! You can even get FAT MAN STAND-OFFS in Japan! Voodoo is around 40 years old here, sporting a sleeveless black shirt and pants that are way too tight, revealing his disproportionately scrawny legs. Hama is like a foot shorter but almost as wide as V, and comes down to a 1970s-style disco version of the Imperial March from Star Wars. He’s a 2-year vet at this point, and still wrestles today, having gone to Wrestle-1 in 2013, then Big Japan. This has “indie sleaze” written all over it, which is pretty sad considering 20 years before this was Misawa/Jumbo wrestling perfection, haha.

Most guys don’t LITERALLY go nose to nose, but when dealing with so much mutual manliness, there may be no other choice.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First up is a HOSS MATCH, as Bill Goldberg takes on Scott Norton from an April 1998 Nitro! And following that a REMATCH from the following January! Which one will get blown up from going long first?! Will Norton sell anything!? Will GOLDBERG!?! So much drama!

And this week, I wanted to start another “series” of All Japan classics- Jumbo vs. The Kids On His Lawn! All Japan’s elder Ace Jumbo Tsuruta teams up with his young student Akira Taue and elder shitbag Masanobu Fuchi as they take on Misawa, the up & coming future Ace and his best friend Toshiaki Kawada, and the much weaker junior division wrestler Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Can both teams keep their weaker members safe and pick up the win? What happens when Misawa’s desire to overcome Jumbo makes him lose his temper? Read on!

Next up, it’s a very “2006 WWE Heat” match, as The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera (w/ Val Venis) takes on Tyson Tomko (w/ Snitsky). Following that, a pair of 2008 SmackDown! matches sees former Tag Champions Deuce ‘N Domino take on Jesse & Festus, in the end of D&D’s WWE run!

WCW U.S. TITLE:
BILL GOLDBERG vs. SCOTT NORTON:
(WCW Nitro, April 27th 1998)
* SWEET GOD YES!!! After watching any Scott Norton match, you’ll see this big barrel-shaped guy just ignore everything thrown at him because he sucks and doesn’t really get that even supposedly-invincible Monster Heels need to sell SOME of the time. Like who the fuck is this guy to be selling less than ANDRE THE GIANT did? So it’ll be glorious seeing him get fed to Goldberg. Nose to nose, they do look like a vision of destruction- Norton is nearly as tall and MUCH broader.

Andre, a total asshole, takes the WWF Title and raises it high above his head in the post-match.

WWF AT THE LOS ANGELES SPORTS ARENA:
(Aug. 13th 1988)
* It’s time for more Dream Matches! With this one, I’m going back to the LA Coliseum shows, as these produce some fun match-ups. In particular, this one is main evented by MACHO MAN vs. ANDRE THE GIANT, a colossal match-up that didn’t actually end up on TV very much. I’ve heard that Andre was notoriously rough and non-giving with Savage (allegedly because he didn’t like how Randy treated Elizabeth, which is hearsay to the point of “obvious bullshit”), and 1988 Andre is always a questionable watch in the ring, but I’ve come around on his work a lot over the years and was curious about it. And we also have other amazing matches lined up, including a masked OWEN HART showing up pre-Blue Blazer to take on Barry Horowitz (for FIFTEEN MINUTES!), Sam Houston vs. Black Jack, “Ravishing” Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts, the Powers of Pain vs. the Bolsheviks and Curt Hennig vs. SD Jones! For… oh god that one’s a long one, too.

Parts of this show honestly feel like “tryouts” for Owen & Curt to work their gimmicks and styles out, or figure out their pluses and minuses in LONG matches against job guys.

SAM HOUSTON vs. BLACK JACK:
* And we amazingly start with a JOBBER MATCH! Jack has a weirdly broad back and is so TV-unfriendly he keeps his back to the hard cameras for like 3 solid minutes before the bell sounds. AMATEUR HOUR! He has a great jobber look- broad back but a nothign physique and black tights pulled up past his belly-button, making him look 50 years old. This is Jack Armstrong, a 25-year veteran by this point, so he just might be! Classic Assassin-type mask- black & red. Houston does a goofy line-dance quick-step all the way around the ring to start, looking like a total goober, and as soon as the piped-in music cuts out you can hear Graham burying his physique on commentary, complaining about how “If he wants to continue is progress in the WWF brotha, he’s got to get into the gym PUMP BIG-TIME IRON, to put some body weight on that lean body of his!”. Monsoon is the voice of reason, pointing out that someone so young might have a hard time gaining weight.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I finally take care of an old request- a LEGITIMATE dream match, taking place in 1990 NWA/WCW when Arn Anderson challenges for the Great Muta’s WCW TV Title! Following that, a crazy mish-mash of talent on WCW Thunder in 1999, as Chris Benoit & Dean Malenko team up with Kidman against Raven, Perry Saturn & Rey Mysterio Jr.- who is Kidman’s Tag Champion teammate! Next up, it’s a Bill Goldberg squash, as he takes down the OTHER Beverly Brother, Mike Enos on WCW Thunder! Then it’s a long Rick “The Model” Martel vs. Thurman “My Friends Call Me Sparky” Plugg match from All-American Wrestling in *1994*, Martel ticking down his dates before leaving again!

NWA TV TITLE:
THE GREAT MUTA vs. ARN ANDERSON:
(NWA Power Hour, Jan. 1990)
* Oh yeah- this one’s been on the docket for like two years but I just never checked it out for whatever reason, figuring it was too long/too big to be locked in. It’s funny, because “on paper” this is something you’d expect could get **** or so, but the nature of TV matches means it’s probably truncated and not as hard-fought as a really important match- even in 1990 guys were less likely to chase “bangers” (ugh) and more “just get the job done”. Arn’s in black trunks and Muta’s in long red martial arts pants with black facepaint. I have seen almost none of Muta’s US content, so this’ll be interesting.

lol they made the botch the thumbnail.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, our headliner is a Jacob Fatu I was recommended- a super-messy weapons brawl with Mads Krugger over in MLW! Come see batons, a chain, a roll of barbed wire, chairs, a ladder, a kendo stick, ANTHRAX, and most terrifyingly, a BOX WITH LIGHTS AND SMOKE IN IT, all in the name of carrying some 2/10 slug to a watchable match by Fatu!

Next up, it’s the match that was part of one of wrestling’s most infamous promos- Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer cuts one of the worst promos in history as he prepares to take on Motley Cruz! Come see a mat classic in the making! Who will turn the tables in the wrong way on whom!?

Next up, we have a fascinating WCW Pro match with a VERY messed-up Steven Regal teaming up with Dave Taylor against Silver King & La Parka in a match that’s both a huge style clash and full of Regal confusing everyone with bizarre choices. Then a main event in any arena in the country, as Hacksaw Jim Duggan takes on JTTS loser Damian DeMento! Finally, it’s a pair of Bill Goldberg vs. Rocco Rock matches, as they run the same finish one year apart!

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION MATCH:
JACOB FATU vs. MADS KRUGGER:
(Major League Wrestling, 2022)
* So when I was checking out Jacob Fatu matches for reasons totally unrelated to attempting to draw eyeballs via featuring a current hot WWE act, I had this one suggested to me as a fascinating mess. I think did my usual thing, which was to review a couple matches and then move on, leaving this on the “To Do” list for ages, but here it is! This is based off of the break-up of their “Contra” stable. Fatu was at this point a major MLW star, and Krugger is… a guy I’ve never heard of. Looks to be an Abyss rip-off (who… was a Kane/Mankind rip-off, so I guess Krugger is a Kane rip-off)- a huge guy with a mask. But with military gear. Billed at seven feet, which is like 6’7″ these days I think (his actual billed height on Wikipedia is 6’10”, so probably). If he’s that big and spent his entire career (since 2012) on the indies I must assume he sucks. Not much physique, but he’s tall. Phrederic says he just likes the indie garbage stuff. Fatu is chubbier back then, mostly in the chest. A “Weapons of Mass Destruction Match” has the ringside area “Weaponized” with “Military-Grade Equipment” stashed around ringside, and cases full of weapons as well. The best touch is the referee wearing arm-length HAZMAT gloves and a mask to sell all this nonsense, and there’s a giant box smoking with “biohazardous” materials. This is so indie and overwrought- I love it.

A phony “Tiger Mask” in Central States All-Star Wrestling. What a business.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I’ve found some hilarious stuff today- a FAKE TIGER MASK! Plus Road Warriors rip-offs! From the same show! This is classic “podunk garbage indie” wrestling! One has Memphis jobber Ken Wayne decked out as “Tiger Mask” taking on jobber Grizzly Evans (who is named “Adams” on the chyron), while the other has 666 (a roided up squat veteran) teaming up with The Mongol (who is, of course, clearly Caucasian) against Central States Tag Champs Bulldog Bob Brown & Buzz Tyler. The best part about this whole deal is Wayne is authentically trying to do “Tiger Mask” spots and pretend he’s the real guy.

The “proper” feature match today is actually the Midnight Express (Eaton/Condrey version) against NWA US Tag Champs Barry Windham & Ron Garvin. Then it’s over to 2000 WCW as Dave Taylor impresses the shit out of me by controlling an entire match against the useless David Flair & barely-decent Crowbar, with Steven Regal backing him up! Picture-perfect European uppercuts! Then it’s more of Bill Goldberg’s reign of destruction, as he destroys the former Beau Beverly- Von Wagner’s dad Wayne Bloom! Finally, it’s the last in the Atsushi Onita vs. Masashi Aoyagi series, as they fight in the inaugural FMW Korakuen Hall show. Come see the wildness of Pro Wrestling vs. Martial Arts when all one guy has is his selling, and the other is a fat but credible karate guy!

US TAG TEAM TITLES:
RON GARVIN & BARRY WINDHAM vs. THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (Beautiful Bobby Eaton & Loverboy Dennis Condrey w/ Jim Cornette & Big Bubba):
(NWA Pro, Feb 21st 1987)
* I went looking for Flair/Windham vs. the Midnights, but it’s not on YouTube I guess. Here’s something not quite as good instead! Garvin’s in black trunks, Barry’s in blue, the MX are in yellow-fronted, maroon-backed matching gear- tights for Bobby and trunks for Dennis.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time the assortment takes us all over the world, and includes insane things like Mexican Minis decked out in miniature versions of *WWF* gimmicks, weirdo Interpromotional Tokyo Dome matches, Goldberg squashes, the dying days of WCW’s midcard dorks, and the origins of FMW!

First up, it’s a AAA Minis match featuring Mascarita Sagrada Jr. & La Parkita Jr. up against Mini Mankind & Mini Vader in Mexico! All four guys are lucha minis, but an agreement with the WWF has two guys swap in WWF gimmicks! Next up, it’s Scott Norton & Dustin Rhodes teaming up against Shinya Hashimoto & Masa Saito in a total MESS where nobody is on the same page! Glorious stuff to review! Then it’s Goldberg tearing apart Kwee-Wee with the mother of all Spears!

Next, I found Chris Candido vs. Crowbar in a hyper-MOVEZ-y indie-style match from 2000 WCW Thunder! Watch two guys practically killing themselves to get over on a show nobody watches! And finally, it’s the origins of FMW, as a fancam show from 1989 pits Atsushi Onita in a martial arts-style match against Masashi Aoyama in a match hilariously devoid of good sportsmanship and tact!

MASCARITA SAGRADA JR. & LA PARKITA JR. vs. MINI MANKIND & MINI VADER (w/ Mini Paul Bearer):
(AAA, Feb. 1st 1997)
* By request, it’s the time we had a “Mini Mankind” and “Mini Vader” appear on WWF television during their time courting lucha libre… which consisted of throwing the Minis on TV, then bringing out some “couldn’t possibly get over in the US” stars to try and compete with WCW’s elite lucha guys. So I do a tiny amount of research into these guys and go “Oh! Mini Mankind is Espectrito II in a temporary identity! Oh, and he’s the TWIN BROTHER of La Parkita! Oh, and both were killed in a double murder in 2009!”. Two hookers had approached them, then poisoned them to steal their wallets- their small size is believed to have resulted in their deaths and the women got 47 years in prison. WRESTLING, everybody! On second thought, I actually had read about this. Of course I brought this up on the BOD and all the comments were like “I bet he got a short sentence”, lol. Mini Vader was the first Espectrito and the older brother of these two. Mascarita Sagrada is the most famous Mini wrestler, but this is the JUNIOR variant, who also wrestled as Max Mini for WWF, while Sagrada was “Mini Nova”.

This twelve-year old boy has an OPINION about Ted DiBiase.

WWF AT THE LOS ANGELES SPORTS ARENA:
(WWF, Dec. 17th 1988)
* Oh, amazing! Another full upload of one of those “televised for one market” house shows! Time for some insanely padded matches starring total losers! Watch them construct an entire card out of garbage padded around Tito/Valentine, Hogan/Boss Man and Demolition/Powers of Pain! There’s an ELEVEN MINUTE Lanny Poffo vs. Boris Zhukov match on here! Plus Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana, Bad News Brown vs. Jim Powers (that’s right- we get an ACTUAL Jim Powers match in my column again!), Ted DiBiase vs. Hercules, Akeem vs. Koko B. Ware, and Rockin’ Robin defending the Ladies Title against Sensational Sherri! The most fascinating thing here is nearly every match being around ten minutes long, and seeing how these guys all try to fill that time!

Our hosts are Ron Trongard (with his AMAZING “1950s announcer” foghorn voice) and Superstar Billy Graham, who is immediately stuttering and stumbling over his words. The video here is AMAZING- no mere transfer of tape to YouTube, it’s got incredible amounts of detail like it was shot yesterday.

LEAPING LANNY POFFO vs. BORIZ ZHUKOV:
* WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION RIGHT HERE!! Poffo was a jobbery dude at this point, but Zhukov was on the lowest-tier tag team at this point. Volkoff was still around, so this is blatant card-filler. Poffo (“minus a few frisbees if uhhh–” “–HEY!”) is in an odd color of blue trunks- “Air Force blue” or “silver lake blue” according to Wikipedia! He of course starts us off with a poem- “That great big ugly Russian thinks he’s worth a million bucks; he’d better stick to wrestling cuz his singing really sucks!”. This gets a pop out of the crowd and earns an attack from Zhukov.

The new WWE Tag Team Champions!  Watch me shamelessly capitalize by looking at their TNA history!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have some SHAMELESS ENGAGEMENT, as the Motor City Machine Guns of all people just debuted in WWE of all places and then won the Tag Titles on SmackDown! So come see how part of their legend got started during their big feud against Beer Money in TNA! A 2/3 Falls Match for the Impact Tag Titles! Following that, a COMPLETELY TERRIBLE match between Ron Simmons and Tony Atlas in WCW! Come see a disinterested, injured Ron deal with a clunky, aimless Atlas, who either lost his gear or is legitimately wrestling in sweatpants all the time- and he even suffers a wardrobe malfunction to the amusement of the crowd!

Then I do two straight matches from a WCW Nitro on Spring Break, as it’s first Fit Finlay controlling a match against Ultimo Dragon in a classic “Style Mismatch” bout, then another fantastic Goldberg squash as he sends Lodi to the intensive care unit with another insane Spear!

And finally, speaking of 2/3 Falls, here’s a WWWF match from 1972! I mean, once I learned that KARL GOTCH, one of the “Gods of Pro-Wrestling” and originators of the New Japan “Strong Style” had been a goofy WWWF babyface and teamed with Rene Goulet of all people (he of the blond floppy hair as an agent during pullapart brawls during my childhood), I just had to find some stuff. So here’s Karl Gotch & Rene Goulet vs. The Rugged Russians (Ivan & Igor)!

IMPACT TAG TEAM TITLES:
2/3 FALLS MATCH:
THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley vs. BEER MONEY (James Storm & Robert Roode):
(TNA Impact, Aug. 9th 2010)
* So for ENGAGEMENT, I’ll take a look at the current WWE Tag Team Champions in their TNA run, as the MCMGs were basically everywhere BUT WWE during their long-ass careers. In particular, Sabin was a recurring name in TNA/Impact but kinda found his calling in a double-team-heavy squad with Shelley, while Beer Money was where post-America’s Most Wanted “Cowboy” James Storm ended up, along with Robert Roode. Beer Money are in matching white trunks, with Roode the more “Hire me, Vince!” of the two regarding physique while Storm has gotten doughy. The MCMGs are in matching “La Parka”-style gear (Sabin shorts, Shelley tights) and are noticeably dwarfed by their big opponents. This is the end of a Best of 5 series, and twice Storm has used his beer bottle to help his team win.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one features a spectacular assortment of random matches, as I finally get a look at that Terry Funk/Chris Candido Hardcore match from 2000 WCW Thunder! Featuring a famous run-in from a four-legged interloper and Funk talking shit on it!

After that, I found TWO different “Just Joe” matches from his ill-fated WWF run. Watch as indie worker Joe E. Legend tries to make it work on WWF D-shows featuring Gangrel- in one, Joe takes on Gangrel who is CLEARLY about to be fired, and in the next they’re TEAMED UP, facing the extremely over Dudley Boyz! Then a request from Maffew as I check out Newborn UWF in 1989 as Masakatsu Funaki takes on Chubby Japanese Elvis (Tatsuo Nakano) in one of the promotion’s most famous matches! One of the top Worked Shoots ever! And finally I shore things up with a Goldberg squash- watch him execute Brad Armstrong!

HARDCORE TITLE:
TERRY FUNK vs. CHRIS CANDIDO:
(WCW Thunder, May 31st 2000)
* Here’s a semi-famous match from Nitro where Candido tries to take Terry Funk’s Hardcore title away- I searched for this before and couldn’t find it, but there’s a brand-new upload. Candido is dressed exactly like Funk and charges him before the bell- Terry hucks the Hardcore belt at him and we’re off!

Funk gives Candido a trio of short shots with the chair to batter him around, then they do the “walk and brawl” to the back- Tony starts laughing about how “we didn’t expect to be on camera” after saying “He’s the Brain; I’m Mike…” because of course WCW takes a while to get a camera on the wrestlers backstage. We finally get there with Terry using a tote full of bottles (that seems dangerous), but is careful to barely touch Chris, who spends all his time cartoonishly flailing around like a total boob. Funk hits another short chairshot (like he’s HITTING him, but it’s only pushing it about a foot so it’s not like… the way the Rock would just put his entire body into it). Candido gets put on a flatbed truck and it turns out that’s Terry’s “family car” and the poor ref, Hardcore belt in tow, is left CHASING THEM as the camera zooms off. They of course find a horse ranch in Boisie and Terry leaves to go kick Candido’s ass some more, but he’s of course recovered and whips a trash can at Terry’s face. They do the “grab hair and run” spot, Candido chucking Terry into the one table inexplicably placed next to some stables. Tony himself lampshades this: “Yes, of course- why WOULDN’T there be a WCW table in the stables?”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this week, I have a TRUE classic for you all- the kind of thing Flair/Steamboat and Misawa/Kawada could only dream about- TED ARCIDI vs. BILL KAZMAIER! Famous workrate promotion Stampede Wrestling was the only territory with the balls to put out this masterpiece, with two of the legit world’s strongest men go against each other in a match that threatens to steal all the oxygen from British Columbia to Manitoba!

Following that, it’s a look to the Florida territory, with Champion Barry Windham defending against Cowboy Ron Bass in a match with a well-known follow-up! After that, it’s the WCW D-shows as the Steiner Brothers get a warm-up against Mortis & Wrath, with the most interesting bit seeing Kanyon get that tag move he always loved to try! Then it’s a match watched and recommended by Maffew, as Kensuke Sasaki faces Jinsei “Hakushi” Shinzaki in Fighting of World Japan in 2003! And finally, we get another D-show match as Mona takes on Asya in the Bischoff/Russo era of WCW on Saturday Night!

BILL KAZMAIER vs. TED ARCIDI:
(Stampede Wrestling, Jan. 30th 1987)
* Stampede Wrestling, North America’s bastion of hot workrate and international legends, brings you the ultimate Dream Match: Strongman vs. Strongman! Bill Kazmaier vs. Ted Arcidi! Both men were as preposterously strong as they were horrible in the ring, with both making attempts at wrestling careers that were largely abject failures, both washing out in only a few years. Arcidi actually made WWF TV in 1985-ish, but soon got the boot and ended up in Stampede. Kazmaier made it to WCW after this, but lasted about five years and never really went anywhere. What made them good at power-lifting (their squat, hyper-muscled physiques) held them back at wrestling, even with Vince McMahon’s famous love of lifting & muscles- they’re just TOO big and immobile, and powerlifting requires explosive force- not stamina, flexibility and cardio. This match is the kind of thing you book as a little kid (“What if the two strongest guys fought each other?”) and also the kind of thing a booker puts out there as a joke. I mean, they HAD to know this would be no good- Ted is so bulky he can’t even put his arms lower than a 45-degree angle from his torso! Arcidi’s in black shorts and Kazmaier’s in trunks.