Riki Choshu vs. TOM MAGEE (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah have I got the goods for you today! Riki Choshu vs. TOM MAGEE! The hapless newbie idiot who went through WWF, impressed Vince to the point of being his next big find, then immediately being exposed as a useless kid who had to be carried! And he’s in All Japan wrestling a guy who speaks a different language and does a different style! In a weirdo match with rounds in it!

Then it’s an even weirder match as indie dorks Nick Gage and Jimmy Lloyd take on the 58-year old FACES OF FEAR, Meng and the Barbarian! Come see a match that’s both awkward AND lazily wrestled! Then a massive treat, as I’ve finally found footage of DOUBLE TROUBLE in the WWF! Yes, Val & Tony Puccio, formerly “The Undertakers”, as a pair of house show JTTS guys, as they take on the Headshrinkers for the WWF Tag Team Titles in a house show fancam video from 1994! And finally, I find two matches to fit my exceedingly-expensive column header- it’s Dream Matches legend JIM POWERS in a pair of Prime Time matches against Bob Bradley! Yes, the two Jobber Gods wrestle! And have to fill several minutes of time! Guess how guys who usually eat offense end up filling their matches when they have to GIVE it?

MARTIAL ARTS MATCH:
10 FIVE MINUTE ROUNDS:
RIKI CHOSHU vs. TOM MAGEE:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Jan. 14th 1986)
* Oh, BEAUTIFUL. I had no idea this ever existed. Apparently Tom Magee, legendary failure, made his way around a few places. Obviously a guy with a 10/10 physique and the ability to do CRAZY FLIPZ was gonna be given a look by any promoter with a brain, which makes the traegedy of his suckiness all the more profound. Like you gotta put this guy in the ring and see what he has, you know? Here, he immediately impersses by doing an inward flip off the top rope, landing on his feet, then doing a second one on the cue from his Japanese second. Sadly, he still looks like a total dork-ass, breathing through his mouth on the way to the ring like a total nerd- the perm and big pointy nose (shaped like a perfect triangle, like Lois Griffin’s) aren’t helping- he basically looks like Roided Screech. Choshu, with his floppy ’80s hair and iconic tiny lil’ white boots, looks much more serious and less dorky.

ROUND ONE: Magee throws up a weak-ass guard (looking more like calisthenics, dropping his arms every other second) and puts out some wimpy high-kicks that nonetheless show lots of flexibility, then both counter lockups until Tom forces his way out of Choshu’s S-grip with RAW STRENGTH, which is a great spot for a powerhouse but since he can’t work it just came off flatly. Like he’s making expressions but he’s not shaking his arms to show the force or anything. Tom impresses with a fancy kip-up into backflip roll until he accidentally ends up in the ropes and has to do a ridiculous crawl on his hands while Riki chooses not to tackle him for this obvious tactical error. Tom takes him down but ends up holding the leg BETWEEN his own legs, so he has to step out of that to do an ankle-twist. Choshu counters to his own and Magee just kinda doesn’t respond to it. Choshu at this point has to be like “for fuck’s sake…” and is internally working on a Broomstick Match if he wasn’t already, so they do an International, Riki getting knocked over while Tom cartwheels into a backflip and dropkicks him… in the upper thigh cuz he can never seem to stick the landing on anything. Riki has to force a fireman’s carry and clunkily moves Tom around for a front facelock so Tom can power him out. Choshu with a headlock & headscissors, then amateur-wrestles him until the round ends. The ref has to force a break and Riki boots him in the head, sending Tom up with a confused look on his face as he does his “martial arts” stance and looks to his corner like he wants instructions. Haha is Riki doing improv?

ROUND TWO: We’re back to Tom’s slow high-kicks, but he lands on his feet from a back body drop and hits a thrust kick to put Riki down for two. They do a test of strength spot for a while, Riki falling back and going to the mat before he’s able to get his head under Magee and flip him over for a suplex. Tom sells for like 0.5 seconds before reverting to his default stance like nothing happened, so Riki’s thankfully quick to just trip him with a leg-pick, except Tom can’t sell fighting the Scorpion Deathlock so he literally just lies there doing calisthenics, twisting his shoulders back and forth with zero other body movement. Tom shakes his head and does a push-up, making the ropes & bailing. Riki threatens to head out to beat his ass, drawing the biggest reaction of the match so far, and tries the Scorpion again in the ring, Tom fighting him so it ends up being a leglock on the mat. They get tangled in the ropes, and Choshu gives a dirty break, hitting chops into a chinlock to try and kill more time and do something Tom can’t fuck up. They’re in that till the break.

ROUND THREE: Magee comes out with a thrust kick and then some shitty kicks that graze over Riki’s head, then tries a butterfly suplex- Riki stuffs it in the corner and runs into a bearhug. Magee actually pivots him from that lift into a Tombstone piledriver for two (you’re trusting TOM MAGEE with that?), starting a Choshu chant- Tom backs him into the corner and climbs up to do a backflip off, of course earning a Riki Lariat for that shit. Choshu hits a backdrop suplex (Tom almost botches it by going sideways) and the big Riki Lariat gets… two, as Tom presses him off! Two more— same resul–but they RING THE BELL (2:12). hahaha oh my god that was the intended finish and he pressed him off again. What in god’s name was this? Tom is like “aw shucks!” to sell it, also annoyed because he screwed something up, unless the ref just called it to end this ridiculousness.

So, as someone who’s never seen Tom Magee wrestle before, I wanted to take a look and figure out just WHY he was bad. Not just “he’s a noob” or “he’s clunky” but the specifics. From the looks of things, he has all these acrobatic things he wants to do (knowing it’s his big appeal- “Big Guy Who Can Flip”), but he has terrible landings and does this at the wrong time and at the wrong part of the ring- witness him accidentally backwards rolling right into the ropes and having to do a ridiculous wheelbarrow crawl to escape accidentally leaving himself wide open. A lot of these moves look so bad because he’s clearly mistimed them and left his opponent these huge openings, except they kayfabe CAN’T dive in on him to take advantage because it’s a fucked-up position to attack someone from and would lead to awkward, ugly spots even IF the opponent wasn’t green, which Tom clearly is. So to avoid looking stupid and doing ugly spots, the wrestler can’t capitalize on these “clear openings”, thus making things look just as awkward because now they do a stop & start thing as they can’t dive in yet and have to wait for Tom to get ready, lest disaster strike.

Even worse, Tom is so green he can’t SELL properly- he’ll do the “Ow!” thing and fall properly or whatever, but then he’ll just get up and take his default wrestling stance again like he’s trained to instead of acting like the move hurt for more than a second. Like a character in a video game! Poor Riki was trying, but had essentially giving up doing anything but the simplest restholds and easy-to-sell strikes by the end as his opponent had NOTHING.

Rating: DUD (About as good as 12 minutes of a good but half-assing it wrestler taking on a total incompetent newbie would be)

NICK GAGE & JIMMY LLOYD vs. THE FACES OF FEAR (Meng & The Barbarian, w/ Jason Saint):
(Black Label Pro, Oct. 21st 2017)
* Okay, this is a bizarre one. Ancient, long-retired Meng & Barbarian come out of nowhere to take on Nick Gage and some fat guy? This was apparently supposede to be Joey Janela but he was busy somehow (had to have a ** match somewhere else?) so we get this corpulent 1993 WWF jobber-lookin’ guy instead. Is he wearing Rick Fuller’s tights? Lloyd is apparently another fixture on the east coast indie scene- a hardcore wrestler from “Game Changer Wrestling” whatever the frick that is. Gage is a famous scumbag who at least looks the part- like a squirrelly, gross junkie no self-respecting retail worker would allow to use the store washroom. He’s an ex-methhead, one-time bank robber (lol he used the stolen money to GAMBLE?) and deathmatch “legend”. After the first time come out, an obese dwarf with a blue ponytail named Jason Saint announces his new hires, “The Faces of FEEAAAAAHHHH!”. The Faces are in their late 50s at this point and look it- neither has nearly as much mass as they had during their wrestling careers- Haku looks sorta short and chubby while Barbarian has a pretty “normal guy” physique but both are still noticeably taller than either opponent. The “ECW T-shirt of Shame” on both is just sad, though. Especially with how doughy Gage is.

Barbarian starts with Lloyd, who flings himself around to sell chops and hiptosses, then throws some flaily clotheslines and a dropkick. Over to Gage/Meng and Gage decides to go nose-to-nose, which emphasizes that even MENG is significantly taller and way more stout than the “normal guy physique” Gage. They trade punches, Nick doing some goofy monkey-like arm-flailing to sell it, then bounces around selling chops as it’s quite clear the old guys are stiff as boards and the other two are gonna have to do all the work. The Faces of Fear work over Gage but Lloyd comes in with a fatass tope, nailing his own partner along with Barbarian. There’s only one camera so we miss a spot of “get the fans to chop the wrestler” on Barbarian (commentary at least suggests how bad an idea that is for those fans). Gage brings out the chair and Meng no-sells head AND body shots- well, it’s better than the awkward whips into the railing they were doing. Gage sits Meng in the chair with some weak-ass overhand elbows, but charges into it himself and eats some chairshots. By which I mean Meng openly chairshots the guardrail ABOVE him because the camera is wayyyyy too close up Meng’s ass.

The FOF whip both guys around on the floor while leisurely sauntering about, Gage going into A TOTE FULL OF FABRIC (WHAT A MANIAC!) and piledriven on the concrete. Some excessive “HOLY SHIT!” chants start up while the commentary jokes about the crowd listening to the “no swearing rule”. Meng is for some reason selling death at this and Gage arbitrarily decides to stop selling first and starts fighting like nothing happened. I like that there’s only one camera yet they decided to do two brawls on spearate sides so we have to take commentary’s word for whatever Barb/Lloyd are doing (Lloyd goes into a whole row of chairs!). Meng then babies a couple chairshots into Nick’s shoulder at 1/8 speed which commentary declares one of the most vicious beatings they’ve ever seen, but Gage again just stops selling and whips Meng into a table. FINALLY everyone hits the ring again for some loosey-goosey brawling, but the FOF fight up from the corner and hit stereo chokeslams. Gage throws more loose shit but his ripcord lariat is reversed with a headbutt for two. Ribbreaker gets two and Meng backs up so Lloyd can pull him to the floor- Barbarian comes in and eats some loose punches. Gage flings himself into the referee by mistake and turns around into THE KICK OF FEAR (commentary misses that’s a finisher and says “what a boot!”), but Barb turns around into a spear from Lloyd so soft it’d shame Edge, boots Saint, but leaps off the apron into the TONGAN DEATH GRIP, but Gage finishes Barbarian with a DDT at (12:35).

haha, just AWFUL. But entertainingly so! Like they didn’t just do restholds or whatever, they did a plodding brawl with the camera only on one duo, who largely babied shots into each other cuz it’s a small indie and two are old. Everyone’s offense was super sloppy and light like they were either afraid to hurt one another or just knew this small show wasn’t worth killing yourself on, the veterans were super old and largely immobile, and more. All the outside goo-gah was clearly to protect the FOF from being exposed by having to do too many wrestling spots (little things like “turn around suddenly” was too hard at that age/injury level, and that’s kind of an important thing to do in wrestling- essentially it’s a few minutes of the indie dudes flinging themselves around, then a massive brawl on the floor to hide anyone’s limitations, then some very basic stuff in the ring.

Lame finish, though- what’s the point of the ref bump? There were no big visual three counts nor any cheating in the interim (since they spent the entire match cheating anyways). Gage seemed almost capable at points, flying around off of nothing to make the FOF look strong, but he did the classic “indie noob” shit of eating a big move and just standing up and fighting normally instead of like… a reversal or transition. Like even the spottiest of spotfest guys used to be able to at least do THAT. Lloyd looked like any other jobber in there and the camera was off him 90% of the time so he’s hard to assess.

Rating: 1/2* (entertainingly bad with some feather-light offense but a tiny handful of fun no-selling and brawling- mostly smoke & mirrors to hide the suck of everyone)

WWF TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE HEASHRINKERS (Fatu & Samu, w/ Afa & Captain Lou Albano) vs. DOUBLE TROUBLE (Big Val & Fat Tony):
(WWF House Show Fancam, July 9th, 1994)
* Oh yes- I found a DOUBLE TROUBLE match! They were a very short-lived team in the WWF, with some interesting backstory. They were indie wrestlers Val & Tony Puccio, who went by “The Undertakers” on the indies. When the WWF gave Mark Calaway his new gimmick as “The Undertaker”, they actually bought the trademark from these guys, who as part of the deal got to appear on a bunch of house shows, this time as “Double Trouble”. At least that’s what I’ve heard. This is way into 1994, on a house show fancam that features a one-hour Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart match. No way am I watching a fancam match going THAT long, even if Bret wrestling Owen might draw him out of his “dog it on house shows” mode. So keep in mind that of Double Trouble, Val is merely “unimpressively fat” while Tony is absolutely MASSIVE- like well over 400 lbs. Both are in street clothes- all black- with ballcaps on.

They spend a serious TWO MINUTES fucking around in the ring after the bell rings, the ref having to get Afa & Lou out of the ring, the fat boys hug each other twice, and them Val does taunting. Fatu puts his head down and gets clobbered for a bit, but he fires off two clotheslines and Val stalls outside. He tags in big Tony, who takes on Samu- he eats some punches but easily knocks him down with a shoulderblock, only to taunt Fatu and turn around into the thrust kick. Val gets nailed on the apron and the Headshrinkers drop Tony with a double-clothesline. But soon Val knees Fatu from the apron and Tony gets a SPINNING HEEL KICK (well, sorta). Fatu sells this as devastating and hits the floor, where Val works him over out there and Tony delays the ref. Fat Tony hits a majestic running elbow, takes forever to get up, then does ANOTHER for two. Samu breaks it up and the fatties pound Fatu down in the corner, Tony adding some cheating from the apron. But no! Fatu dodges an avalanche! Tony crashes into the corner, but Val manages a clothesline that has Fatu mega-selling his back, pounding his feet on the mat.

Tony puts him in the corner for a planned Vader Bomb reversal, but in a terrifying moment FUCKING SLIPS and basically steps right on Fatu. Thankfully he mostly misses his head, which Fatu sells. The guy holding the camera laughs his ass off as both dudes writhe around and Afa just looks away in disgust, then Fat Tony REPEATS THE SPOT, Fatu flinging up and I guess headbutting him in the nuts? Tony just sorta leans forward and doesn’t sell until he’s safely back to the mat and doesn’t trust himself now. Val is like “oh fuck this” and runs in to drop an elbow, and Fat Tony misses a running (well, sauntering) splash and it’s hot tag Samu! He lays in some snug stuff on Double Trouble, Val gets slammed repeatedly, and Tony gets whipped into him to set up the finish- Double Thrust Kick pins Fat Tony at (9:26). The Shrinkers have gotta be grateful THAT’S over.

hahahaha oh my god I was expecting a bad performance but THIS! This is why I do this column! This was HORRIBLE! Fuckin’ Fat Tony nearly kills Fatu by slipping on the top rope and STEPPING on him, then falling like a clumsy ass! Then repeating the spot! Two solid minutes of fucking around before contact! Tons of aimlessly wandering around to kill time! Well, at least the heels cheated a bit and the Headshrinkers got a good finish in by using Tony’s obesity against them and then kicking his head off.

Rating: 1/4* (just the most dreadful house show garbage- endless time-killing, delaying tactics and then a horrible botch)

Behold: Jim Powers building his SmackDown! Meter. Every time he successfully completes a move, he hits the “Taunt” button.

JIM POWERS vs. BOB BRADLEY:
(WWF Prime Time, May 11th 1992)
* Oh my god YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Just when you think you’ve seen all that Jim Powers has to offer, you get TWO matches against fellow jobber Bob Bradley! Bob gives his best “intense stare” at the camera before this one. I’m sure they’re all impressed, Bob. “What a nice youngster this Jimmy Powers is, Lord Alfred” sez Monsoon. He’s quick to bury lesser talent but he knows a potential superstar when he sees one!

Lol as they’re about to lock up, they put over Bradley’s abilities and Monsoon cracks that he’s “very CATLIKE” and then it’s DAY ONE WRESTLING SCHOOL TIME- back elbow! Shoulderblock! Dropdown! Leapfrog! Hiptoss! Lazy-ass arm-in-the-pit hold! DIG THE MOVEZ BABY! Powers wins another international and then clotheslines Bob, repeatedly doing his silly “yeah!” double-fist-pump. Jim’s offensive moveset runs a bit dry so he starts repeating moves 1.5 minutes in with another clothesline, but manages a sunset flip attempt, dodging a punch but eating a terrible backflip elbow by Bradley. Commentary suggests he wasn’t expecting that, but put over Powers working out and recovering from injury and Monsoon just goes “Well when you’re young, you have that tremendous recuperative power… that we have lost somewhere along the way” and Alfred cracks up. Bob is doing a one-handed choke, rabbit punches, a standing dropkick and more, putting on a pretty boring show so Monsoon waxes nostalgic about how they would wrestle hurt all the time and “are now we’re paying for it- boy were we dummies!”. Powers fights out of a loose chinlock but runs into a kneelift, but Bob goes allll the way up and misses a flying splash. Hahahaha he didn’t wanna take a face bump from that height so he does a sideways roll instead. Total pussy bump. Jim slams his head into the corner and does the same “clothesline then double-fist-pump” as before, then the dreaded “gut-punch then kneelift” with ANOTHER fist-pump, and Powers finishes him with the Powerslam at (5:28). Lmao Bradley kicked out at 3.1.

haha amazingly soft match. Like none of it was THAT dreadful but it’s Jobber vs. Jobber using jobbery offense, like neither guy leveled up after graduation wrestling school so it’s all still pitholds, clotheslines and Internationals. Powers has this strikingly artificial “YEAH!” personality to all of his stuff, making the same motions to cheer every time like you hit the “Taunt” button in a video game, and it’s mostly from clotheslines because after a couple minutes he’s run out of unique shit to try. Bradley’s backflip was suuuuuper slow and silly-looking and he took a weird bump coming off the top (I mean if you’re not gonna try hard against JIM POWERS what are you even doing in the wrestling business?), never maintained any personality, or anything.

Rating: * (the most one-star match to ever one-star)

JIM POWERS vs. BOB BRADLEY:
(WWF Prime Time, July 13th 1992)
* So that all-time mat classic can only be followed up with a chance for Bradley to avenge the humiliation of his previous loss. This time Bradley has a BADASS BEARD and is fighting to prevent Powers from entering the ring.

They do some go-behinds, then pretty much the same international routine as last time, but Jim gets a dropkick as Monsoon & Alfred discuss SummerSlam. They keep repeating spots fromlast match, like the “catch the foot & atomic drop” and the clothesline, then another terrible backflip elbow by Bradley sets up some choking on the ropes, and Bradley lands on Jim’s knees trying a Vader Bomb. Jim struggles up like he’s dying, smashing his head into the turnbuckle 10 times, then it’s the clothesline and DOUBLE FIST PUMP, and the Two Moves of Doom (gut-punch! kneelift!) sets up the Powerslam at (3:57). haha this was almost the exact same match as the last one, minus a few parts! I always wonder the hows and whys of match construction like this- did they actually watch a tape of the last match and go “let’s do that”? Did they just remember the match and more or less copy it (it was only months before)? Or were they just so limited that kind of IS all they can really do?

Rating: 1/2* (not QUITE a squash as Bradley controlled about half the match, but barely longer and all in all pretty lazy and forgettable)

Haha Powers/Bradley I was the best match today. One star wonders!