Terry Funk vs. Chris Candido in a Horse Ranch Hardcore Match (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one features a spectacular assortment of random matches, as I finally get a look at that Terry Funk/Chris Candido Hardcore match from 2000 WCW Thunder! Featuring a famous run-in from a four-legged interloper and Funk talking shit on it!

After that, I found TWO different “Just Joe” matches from his ill-fated WWF run. Watch as indie worker Joe E. Legend tries to make it work on WWF D-shows featuring Gangrel- in one, Joe takes on Gangrel who is CLEARLY about to be fired, and in the next they’re TEAMED UP, facing the extremely over Dudley Boyz! Then a request from Maffew as I check out Newborn UWF in 1989 as Masakatsu Funaki takes on Chubby Japanese Elvis (Tatsuo Nakano) in one of the promotion’s most famous matches! One of the top Worked Shoots ever! And finally I shore things up with a Goldberg squash- watch him execute Brad Armstrong!

HARDCORE TITLE:
TERRY FUNK vs. CHRIS CANDIDO:
(WCW Thunder, May 31st 2000)
* Here’s a semi-famous match from Nitro where Candido tries to take Terry Funk’s Hardcore title away- I searched for this before and couldn’t find it, but there’s a brand-new upload. Candido is dressed exactly like Funk and charges him before the bell- Terry hucks the Hardcore belt at him and we’re off!

Funk gives Candido a trio of short shots with the chair to batter him around, then they do the “walk and brawl” to the back- Tony starts laughing about how “we didn’t expect to be on camera” after saying “He’s the Brain; I’m Mike…” because of course WCW takes a while to get a camera on the wrestlers backstage. We finally get there with Terry using a tote full of bottles (that seems dangerous), but is careful to barely touch Chris, who spends all his time cartoonishly flailing around like a total boob. Funk hits another short chairshot (like he’s HITTING him, but it’s only pushing it about a foot so it’s not like… the way the Rock would just put his entire body into it). Candido gets put on a flatbed truck and it turns out that’s Terry’s “family car” and the poor ref, Hardcore belt in tow, is left CHASING THEM as the camera zooms off. They of course find a horse ranch in Boisie and Terry leaves to go kick Candido’s ass some more, but he’s of course recovered and whips a trash can at Terry’s face. They do the “grab hair and run” spot, Candido chucking Terry into the one table inexplicably placed next to some stables. Tony himself lampshades this: “Yes, of course- why WOULDN’T there be a WCW table in the stables?”.

Candido harmlessly throws Terry into a single bale of hay, then tries to drown him in a horse trough and bonks him with a metal tin. Terry gets his face shoved into a bin full of AEW booking… oh sorry, that’s horse manure! Then hits him with a pipe or log or somethin’ and they go INTO one of the stables, deciding the best course of action is to have a noisy, violent pretend fight next to a 1,100-lb. animal. You can see the horse shiver its haunches (that’s the “i’ma ready to fuck you up” body language, btw), then Terry piledrives Candido on the very ground BEHIND the horse so it promptly kicks Terry in the side! “Fucking horse!” Terry cries as he picks up a trash can and readies it against Candido, “I’ll kick your ass!”. Terry fires two can shots into Chris’s head, but he no-sells them and kicks Terry in the balls, choking him with a rope that he ends up wrapping around his body- he climbs up to do a spot through a table, but Terry pulls him down, sending him asshole-first through the table! Instead of covering, he yells at the referee (who’s just arrived) and hits HIM with the trash can, then of course goes for the pin like “oh yeah I killed the ref”, pours a bucket of water on him to revive the guy, and pins Candido to retain the title at (5:57).

Well, what can you do? The match has a horse shooting on a veteran, a unique “KO the ref and use water to revive him” spot, a guy going ass-first through a table, a head going into manure, and more. It takes the “Falls Count Anywhere” concept of Hardcore matches to the extreme and entered into history as one of the most entertaining bits of a doomed WCW. It was mostly spot to spot, but was choreographed well enough (Funk’s insanity kind of pays off here, as the “put a guy on a truck and drive him away for some reason” spot only makes sense when the wrestler doing it is a crazed lunatic) and had a few bits of selling, mostly Candido acting like a comic buffoon. This kind of robs him of any credibility or dignity, but it’s not like he was gonna sell a lot of tickets anyways.

Rating: **1/2 (I dunno, what can you say? Six minutes of fun goofiness)

GANGREL vs. JUST JOE:
(WWF Jakked, Aug. 26th 2000)
* Hey, I found more Just Joe! The guy who was completely torn apart on WWF commentary by Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly (“He’s just a guy who HANGS OUT with wrestlers!”) in a hilarious burial, and now he’s taking on Gangrel. Joe’s in a black & red set of tights kinda like the 1-2-3 Kid’s style. Gangrel has swapped out his usual style for bare arms, revealing his tattoos- I don’t remember him looking like that.

Gangrel starts with some high-effort punches and counters, bouncing around in his best “Don’t fire me! I can still work!”, countering a butterfly suplex by hooking Joe’s leg, then hitting an overhead double-arm with a front grip (did he always do that? It looks vaguely familiar). He hits a corkscrew elbow for two, then floats over from a Russian legsweep, but Joe counters the Impaler (elevated DDT) by whipping him into an International and hitting a wimpy clothesline after a kip-up. He punched him in the nuts to set that up, but it wasn’t really sold cuz it wasn’t clear to the fans. Joe does the “Attitude Era Walk & Stomp” routine and goes into the corner off a blind charge (what is it with these guys and doing the “turn around to build momentum” charge?). They do a complicated spinning reversal routine at about half-speed into Joe’s high kick, then Joe does a pose like Randy Orton would later use. Commentators Dok Hendrix & Jonathan Coachman are just using the match to talk about the angles of the day. Joe throws some wimpy punches and has a weird “noob” posture as he stalks Gangrel around the ring, charging into a boot and eating a clothesline. Clotheslines and a powerslam gets two, but loses his grip on a backdrop suplex hold (haha I think Joe didn’t know that move and instead flopped into a flat-back, rolling sideways- he’s saying something as Gangrel covers him). Joe gets a shitty spinning slam out of a fireman’s carry for two, Gangrel tries to hit an inverted DDT, and Joe spins out into a Flatliner (giving yourself a rock bottom) and that GETS THE PIN at (4:02), Joe Joe defeating Gangrel!

So this is a few months before Gangrel was released, meaning he’d peaked and was done as a name for good- welcome to the indies, Gangrel! The match was pretty weak- Gangrel was trying but Joe came off as a clumsy indie guy hitting generic weaksauce stuff. Like, why is this plain-looking nothingburger guy mixing it up with clotheslines and high kicks? His offense looked like garbage, too- very soft, loose and non-impactful, with no “jump” at all. Look at the FINISH, even- the one move you want to do super-well, and Joe just kinda lifts Gangrel and falls back, with no effort or physicality on his own part. Joe also was a heel who… didn’t really do much sneaky stuff. No eye-gouging, no open cheating, and only hit an arrogant pose once- I guess there might have been a ballshot but it wasn’t sold as such. And a “shitbag heel” character should be good at SELLING- here he was only doing the basic “ow” stuff- dude shoulda been writhing in pain, yelling, flailing around, etc. Gangrel isn’t a great wrestler but he was trying pretty hard at points, probably trying to keep his job- Joe seems to be giving it the “Jakked Effort” which is fine for an established dude but like… as a rookie they’re clearly not sold on, maybe throw your weight into your shit, you know? Joe would get cut loose with such little fanfare I wasn’t even aware he was ever on the roster.

Rating: *1/2 (basic weak Jakked match- Gangrel was putting some effort in, but Joe was bland and hopeless)

THE DUDLEY BOYZ (Bubba Ray & D-Von Dudley) vs. GANGREL & JUST JOE:
(WWF Jakked, Oct. 14th 2000)
* I… what? So Gangrel lost to Joe in late August, but I guess they’re pals now because they’re out there being fed to one of the company’s top teams. Dork-ass Joe being part of Gangrel’s “fire entrance” is frickin’ hilarious, as he’s just looking around like “….” while Gangrel’s all laughing amidst a square of fire, haha. Then awkwardly points at him when he spews blood.

The heels attack before the bell to start, but get run into each other and eat stereo backdrop suplexes, and D-Von gets a New York Jam on Joe, but Joe gets his shitty kip-up clothesline. Gangrel tags in and immediately tags out so D-Von can double-clothesline them out of a double-team, and a dying, struggling D-Von (lol you ate ONE CLOTHESLINE, dude. From JUST JOE!) barely makes it over to Bubba Ray for the hot tag. Bubba hits a Bubba Bomb on Gangrel and a backdrop on Joe, then DOOMSDAY DEVICE him, but Gangrel pops in for an attack and charges right into 3D and is pinned at (2:00). BUT HE’S NOT LEGAL HOW DARE THEY!? Joe tries to jump them after the bell, but eats the Wazzup Drop to make him look like a big wuss, then gets Superbombed through a table.

Man you know it’s the Attitude Era when someone is doing the big “I’m dying” sell after a single move 40 seconds into the match- they call it the “RAW Sell” for a reason. The match was only two minutes long so only had the barest hint of stuff from either heel- amazingly, Gangrel only hit a couple punches all match long before being dusted off with the Dudleyz’ finisher. Bubba was also all-in with the goofy, cartoonish facial expressions here- I think he settled for his “O-face after hurting women” because I don’t recall him going full “Jack Black” that much. Just Joe gets only a few more TV matches and is fired in two months. Gangrel only has three more TV matches and is fired in one.

Rating: 1/2* (sooooooooo short and sweet- just the Dudleyz hitting their big moves on some tomato cans)

MASAKATSU FUNAKI vs. TATSUO NAKANO:
(UWF Newborn, July 24th 1989)
* Hey look! It’s the UWF from 1989! A promotion I have zero familiarity with! It’s like… sort of a worked-shoot promotion started by Akira Maeda in the ’80s to compete with New Japan & All Japan. One of the big Japanese Splinter Promotions! It inspired the formation of UWF-I in the 1990s, which was briefly a big deal. This comes recommended by Maffew. Looking up the dudes, Funaki is the co-founder and “Golden Boy” of Pancrase, a “shoot” promotion that debuts years after this, eventually kinda working in some real fights (and predates UFC). He also debuted in the same New Japan class as Jushin Liger, Chris Benoit, Minoru Suzuki, Masa Chono, Keiji Mutoh & Shinya Hashimoto! He quit New Japan to join Maeda’s UWF Newborn, which folds the next year. Funaki looks LEGIT, with a great athletic physique, power-mullet and green trunks, while Nakano looks like a doughy college boy in red tights, with big titties and chubby cheeks. And an Elvis curl! I’ve only seen him get squashed by Vader in UWF-I. This is a super tiny hall, like when US indies work VFW halls, but the fans are LOUD.

Funaki goes for the handshake to start, but Nakano kicks his hand away and IT’S OFF with a fantastic blitz that’s done at super-speed but contains zero actual attempts at contact or finishes- like it’s just flailing limbs and “attempts at shoot-wrestling” but is actually nothing. Nakano can’t deal with Funkai’s reach and technique so resorts to humping the leg. Funaki’s technique can’t deal with this so he just starts slapping away until Nakano stands up and eats a high kick, but keeps throwing slaps. Funaki gets a go-behind but Nakano again pulls the leg, and puts his hand up to block Funaki’s repeated slaps, allowing Funaki to grab it and try to submit him. A deafening “NA-KA-NO!” chant breaks out as he squirms his way out of a jujigatame, Funaki scissoring his head. Nakano fights up to his feet and hits a slap and pulls Funaki into a DDT, but is left turtled and protecting his head when Funaki springs up and lays in some kicks. Nakano again goes for the ol’ reliable leg-humpery, but Funaki’s like “come on” (you can’t do a dragon screw in a “real” fight, of course!) and belts him in the mouth, stomping his way free and telling his bloodied opponent to get up. Nakano gets up and eats some straight headbutts, but Nakano weathers the storm and fires off slaps and knees to bring Funaki to his knees, then a wrestling-style HEADLOCK TAKEOVER, fighting for a keylock or whatevs while dripping blood on Funaki’s arm. He loses his grip and a ring doctor comes in with a concerned look to check on his tatered-up face, but Nakano raises his fist in defiance and blows bloody snot out of his nose triumphantly.

Funaki hits an acrobatic rolling leg takedown and settle into mutual leg-humping to finally get a rest period in, sadly wasting another “NA-KA-NO!” chant from the biased crowd. Nakano finally pops out with some slaps on an “oh yeah?” Funaki, but splatters him with a head kick, Funaki doing a great “nah, I’m fine and OH GOD!” flop-down, only barely getting up at “9”. Nakano swings at him to finish but settles for a double-arm suplex and works a (googles) kimura, then a jujigatame, Funaki now having recovered and escaping to throw a ton of stuff at his opponent. He’s tripped up again and tries a back suplex, eventually getting a big roundhouse kick with his thigh and waistlock suplexing Nakano for a “6” count! Funaki uses a HALF CRAB of all things, now a dramatic submission that has the fans begging for a Nakano rope-break, which he finally gets. The ref tries to stop it again but another guy begs him off, and Nakano scores a surprise superkick into a big head kick! Funaki gets up at “8” and Nakano dives in with knees to the gut and a snap suplex/DDT! Nakano seems to be worn out and his slow stuff is intercepted by a huge flurry from Funaki, but he’s knocked down and now HE is the one humping the leg! But the ref breaks that up and he takes a HUGE fall, spinning out after some more head kicks- he bolts out of the corner at “7” for another flurry, but he eats a spinkick and a GERMAN suplex, but escapes a half-crab and hoists Nakano up in an ALABAMA SLAM and then the motherfucking Liontamer is the finish at (9:04)!! Holy shit!

haha, what a match! This style is obviously kind of what those “Fake Shoot” feds in the ’90s turned into, but with a bit more theatrics than they’d end up using, which means it’s BETTER, GOD DAMN IT. You get some clearly fake spots like the “fight up but OH NO he stumbled!” and such for drama, but there’s tons of potato slaps and quick kicks that aren’t super devastating but leave porky here looking bloodied and battered. Their frenetic little flurries are GREAT, as they LOOK like real offense but aren’t, and are super-exciting and “any move could end it”. Obviously that speed is impossible to keep up and so they get into two long resthold situations and two bits where the ref checks of Nakano is okay- this gives the match a good ebb and flow rather than just plateauing into non-stop offense, which is a thing modern wrestling falls into a lot. Funaki has some AMAZING selling, just flinging himself around for strikes- the one where Nakano catches him with two kicks and he spirals into the corner with his leg up is spectacular and should be copied today.

Rating: **** (one of the best sub-ten minute matches, haha- Like the best of the “Fake Shoot” stuff mixed with the best fake stuff from pro wrestling!)

BILL GOLDBERG vs. BRAD ARMSTRONG:
(WCW Nitro, Jan. 26th 1998)
* WOO it’s Goldberg in a completely one-sided bout against Brad! Armstrong by this point had been completely forgotten about and was a pure jobber. He shows about as little charisma as it’s humanly possible to show while wearing an “Amstrong Curse” t-shirt (said “Curse” is that all of Bullet Bob’s kids were jobbers, I think). He has a good physique by this point but is nothing compared to Goldberg.

Brad wisely attacks before the bell to get what he can against the monster, totally laying into him… but with perfect timing, Goldberg just rises to full stature and stares him down. A boot to the gut and a whip sees him haul Brad up into a military press, ending in his over-the-shoulder powerslam with terrifying speed. Brad crawls out of the ring in agony, desperate to escape, but gets thrown back into the ring. He’s again quick to lay it in when Goldberg is entering, but Goldberg just double-arm choke-tosses him- he throws some knees and a corner-whip, but misses a charge- Brad celebrates, but Goldberg hits a brutal Spear from a standing position and finishes with the Jackhammer at (1:47). Good extended squash by Goldberg standards, Brad lengthening the match with sneaky veteran tactics but ultimately being murdered like all the rest. It really puts over the inevitability of Death By Goldberg when even taking every advantage goes nowhere.

Rating: 1/2* (actually some tactics thrown in! But still no chance)