WWF at the Los Angeles Sports Arena (all Dream Matches!)

This twelve-year old boy has an OPINION about Ted DiBiase.

WWF AT THE LOS ANGELES SPORTS ARENA:
(WWF, Dec. 17th 1988)
* Oh, amazing! Another full upload of one of those “televised for one market” house shows! Time for some insanely padded matches starring total losers! Watch them construct an entire card out of garbage padded around Tito/Valentine, Hogan/Boss Man and Demolition/Powers of Pain! There’s an ELEVEN MINUTE Lanny Poffo vs. Boris Zhukov match on here! Plus Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana, Bad News Brown vs. Jim Powers (that’s right- we get an ACTUAL Jim Powers match in my column again!), Ted DiBiase vs. Hercules, Akeem vs. Koko B. Ware, and Rockin’ Robin defending the Ladies Title against Sensational Sherri! The most fascinating thing here is nearly every match being around ten minutes long, and seeing how these guys all try to fill that time!

Our hosts are Ron Trongard (with his AMAZING “1950s announcer” foghorn voice) and Superstar Billy Graham, who is immediately stuttering and stumbling over his words. The video here is AMAZING- no mere transfer of tape to YouTube, it’s got incredible amounts of detail like it was shot yesterday.

LEAPING LANNY POFFO vs. BORIZ ZHUKOV:
* WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION RIGHT HERE!! Poffo was a jobbery dude at this point, but Zhukov was on the lowest-tier tag team at this point. Volkoff was still around, so this is blatant card-filler. Poffo (“minus a few frisbees if uhhh–” “–HEY!”) is in an odd color of blue trunks- “Air Force blue” or “silver lake blue” according to Wikipedia! He of course starts us off with a poem- “That great big ugly Russian thinks he’s worth a million bucks; he’d better stick to wrestling cuz his singing really sucks!”. This gets a pop out of the crowd and earns an attack from Zhukov.

Boriz blind-charges into the corner and takes some punches, but then we get into a HUGE time-wasting section with Boris on the floor, Lanny pulling his beard, Boris hiding in the ropes, etc. Poffo works the ankle then the arm as the fans get bored, but Zhukov is finally able to go to the eyes. He’s still selling the leg, at least. Boris manages to work him over with strikes, a Baba chop, and dumps him. Poffo comes back by smashing his knee into the ringpost a couple times, but gets caught in an inverted atomic drop and Zhukov climbs to the second rope and hits a shitty flying lariat FOR THE PIN at (11:22 shown). Dear God in heaven what a match, lol- really nothing of value aside from some basic limbwork by Poffo- Zhukov sold kinda okay and remembered to limp a bunch, but this was the heel equivalent of the “Savage Template” match, eating nine minutes of offense then hitting two moves for the pin. This makes Poffo look TERRIBLE, as he controls almost the entire thing but is undone by two pretty basic moves.

Rating: 1/2* (just a dreadfully boring, if competently-wrestled, minor match- nine minutes of filler into a couple heel moves for the win)

GREG “THE HAMMER” VALENTINE (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. TITO SANTANA:
* Well at least we have two good workers in this one! The Hammer is at this point wearing a huge shin-guard, then called “The Hart Breaker”- heel heat to enhance his Figure-Four Leglock submission and injure the babyfaces, no doubt! In fact, he apparently injured Graham himself earlier in the year using it, putting him out in ANOTHER injury angle as Superstar just keeps getting put on the sidelines. This isn’t a particularly well-regarded era for either guy, however- they’re sort of rudderless midcarders, Santana hanging around while his Strike Force partner is out hurt.

They’re slow to start, Valentine making sure to adjust the guard so we know it’s gonna be a factor, gets into a shoving match, then jaws with Superstar and Tito hauls him down to try and take it off. Tito powers out of a chinlock and nearly goes to fisticuffs after Greg pulls the hair, then works the arm and beats his ass again, blatantly using the hair to smash him into the mat. Valentine charges into the post and gets his ass kicked again, then gets pulled crotch-first into the post (“His voice went up!”), then takes a walk and gets beat up AGAIN until a thumb to the eye evens it up. A kick (with the shin-guard) does huge damage and he drops several tight elbows for two. We get an interesting bit where Valentine tries to hook every one of Tito’s limbs and force his shoulders down for the count (starting a “TITO!” chant), but Tito counters an arrogant pose by giving us a tragically-long shot of Valentine’s bum as he yanks down the tights, hauls him down, then breaks his own cover to start laying waste to Valentine with right hands. Greg’s stiff-legged sell as he gets blasted down is great, but Tito lands on the shinguard trying to work the leg and he’s hurt! A grumpy Valentine gets to his feet and puts up his tights and gets angry at the fans taunting him, but starts dropping the hammer on Tito.

Greg waits him out in the ring (by this point the finish is pretty obvious), then hits some Baba chops and slowly works Tito over with precision strikes. He tries to force the arms down for a count but lands junk-first on Tito’s knees. The video transfer is so good we can see streams of sweat falling off of Greg as he sells, and Tito gets fired up and lays into him, only to charge into a knee- Valentine beats on him and hits a flying axehandle! A big elbowdrop gets two, as does a shoulderbreaker into a “69” pin (like in the SmackDown! games, lol), but Tito knees him in the head from the ground and they fight up from their knees! A left! A left! Big right hand by Tito! Valentine stands there for a second and then teeeeeeeeeeters over for the Flair Flop, but fifteen minutes have now elapsed so Tito is now FUCKED. Sure enough, Tito works the leg and tries the Figure-Four, but Greg jabs him in the eyes from the ground and takes the lead. Tito takes some shots and then Hammer turns around the shin-guard to enhance his own Figure-Four, but Tito gets a blatant hairpull to haul him into a pin for two. Valentine works him over again but this time goes into the corner, looking beat, but recovers with a gutbuster. They fight over a backdrop suplex so much it almost looks like the two exhausted dudes are legitimately fighting over it, and Tito blasts away to break it up, and Tito verses a vertical suplex for two! Tito comes off Bret’s rope but into a shot to the gut, and Tito STILL avoids the Figure-Four so Valentine just drops in and starts strangling him to show frustration. But Tito counters him and beats his ass, they trade some more shots, and Tito counters another backdrup suplex attempt to the Figure-Four!… right in time for time to expire at (20:00), making it a draw.

Haha, very fun match! I mean it had some obvious time-killing but I love the whole “fight up from the ground into a slugfest” in a long match, and how they’d just puncuate every second they could with a punch or kick- like they HATED each other to the point where despite being exhausted they’d find the energy to drill an elbow into the solarplexus or something. Right to the end they’re just bags of sweat and still laying in these strikes, though by this point they’re legit tired enough that their selling and bumping isn’t as good as it probably could be. But being tired just helps the execution of these “last of my energy” strikes and desperation to score pins. And compare how these two kill time with the other 10+ minute matches here- there’s much less bailing to the floor and wasting time- nobody even hits a resthold!

Rating: ***1/2 (good, hard-fought match with some fun bits, albeit not many big highspots or potential finishes)

BAD NEWS BROWN vs. JIM POWERS:
* A main event in any arena in the country sees one half of the Young Stallions taking on Bad News!

Brown attempts a charge before the bell but gets humiliated, bailing to the floor to kill time and act upset- he gets small package’d and does the same, and now we get the DISINGENUOUS HANDSHAKE as Brown is pulling out all the tricks to get something out of this terrible contest. Powers delights me by hitting the shittiest clothesline ever (doing a short-clothesline but with zero follow through and not even hitting his knees or anything- just kinda leans forward and whacks him), but he finally charges into a boot and Bad News is hilarious all like “YEAAHAHHHHH YOU SEE?!” to the fans, all proud of himself for finally making a comeback. Bad News stomps around, shouting at the fans and throwing shots at Powers, sometimes going buggy-eyed before he hits something (“NO MERCYYYYY!” “Come on, pretty boy!”), but Powers hits a weird crossbody (doing a handstand on the landing)- Bad News immediately lights him up again, slamming him on the floor. Powers will hit single flash-pin moves periodically but get swallowed up again, then again when he does a flip- it’s just endless, but Bad News at least shakes up exactly what he’s doing (a boot here, a shot to the neck there, some taunting, a running stomp…). “You know what it’s like to be in here with a real man now, right!?” as he works the head & neck to soften him up for the Ghetto Blaster (enzuigiri). Powers gets like 4 more comebacks stuffed before he gets his knees up on a splash and gets another shitty clothesline to zero reaction, then a dropkick & vertical suplex for two-counts, only to do a leapfrog and stand there like an idiot so Bad News can hit the Ghetto Blaster for the pin (10:53).

About as good as an eleven-minute Bad News Brown/Jimmy Powers match was going to be, with Jim being a weak but tolerable seller and Bad News doing his best to kill time, jaw with the ref (“Don’t worry about it!”) and shake up his offense so he was always doing something. I mean, they had to do the “Bad News misses something and then cuts off a comeback” thing like eight times, but if you can get 11 minutes out of Jim Powers without having to rely on a chinlock for 2 of ’em, you’re a better man than I.

Rating: ** (nowhere near as bad as you might think!)

Wonder of wonders, we now get a Jim Powers-related PROMO, as Mr. Fuji now comes out to talk shit on Demolition, saying “I got rid of them due to lack of discipline!” (ie. dumping the active World Tag Champions in an all-time dumb manager move), saying they’re gonna be like Powers here- he throws some boots to the youngster, but Powers gets up and dropkicks him! This annoys me because Powers doesn’t like… gesture to the fans at all or be like “ohhhhhhhhhhh you’re gonna get it now!” about it- he just kinda hops up and decks him with no build. THAT’S WHY YOU NEVER GOT TO EVEN THE IC TITLE, KID!!! But before he can revel in this small victory, he’s immediately eaten alive by the Powers of Pain, who hit the 1980s-style Doomsday Device (flying clothesline to a held opponent).

WWF WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash) vs. THE POWERS OF PAIN (The Warlord & The Barbarian, w/ Mr. Fuji):
* It’s the top tag feud in the company, which lasted all the way until WrestleMania.

Immediately we get a glorious lack of chain-wrestling or any technical skill at all as the Demos roll in and instantly start slugging it out with the heel team, dumping them, going for Fuji, then getting attacked from behind and dumping the heels again. Ax & Barbarian do a NO-SOLD SHOULDERBLOCK before Ax just starts battering him around again, Barbarian getting his ass kicked repeatedly. Smash calls Fuji a “stinkin’ stooge!” while twisting Barbarian’s neck, then punches him twenty times in a row- however, a single throat-thrust turns the tide. Warlord beats on Smash a bit, but he quickly makes a comeback and it’s time for DOUBLE JUMPING DEMOLITION OVERHANDS, but when Ax works a hold, Smash distracts the ref too much and Barbarian runs in, then Fuji adds a cane shot and some choking. Barbarian hits a big shoulderbreaker and antagonizes Smash with a punch so they can do some double-teaming, but finally Ax hits a back elbow in the corner and Smash blitzes the heels! Barbarian is clotheslined over the ropes and the fans go BANANA, but that’s immediately the finish, as Fuji gets in the ring to take a swing at Smash, only to run off and leave the cane when Ax comes back in. The ref catches this and calls for the Double-Disqualification at (6:03), the Powers hightailing it as soon as the Warlord eats a shot with it to send the fans home happy. The DDQ call earns boos, but the Demos are at least still champs.

Good old-fashioned slugfest, here, with neither team working overtime or going too hard. Very little resting and they kept it moving- Warlord in particular was kind of a slug so they pretty much had to. No sense wasting time with chain-wrestling or big counters- this needs to be a HOSS FIGHT and they delivered. It’s interesting how little Demolition sells for babyfaces- they’ll eat offense for a while and act hurt, but they’ll pretty quickly make their own comebacks with a simple shot and tag right out. It keeps their badass aura going.

Rating: **1/2 (very good for the length since they just do an all-out brawl the whole way)

“THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN” TED DIBIASE (w/ Virgil) vs. THE MIGHTY HERCULES:
* This feud hails from Ted’s post-Mega Bucks thing, where he BUYS Hercules from manager Bobby Heenan, thus enraging Hercules. DiBiase claims that the man is “bought and paid for”, literally calling him a “Slave”, and an incensed Hercules turns babyface.

As befitting a blood feud, Herc attacks immediately, back-bodydropping Ted “fifteen feet in the air” (k, Ron). He lights DiBiase up with a series of punches, putting in TONS of effort and full-body motions for everything, realizing this is his biggest push ever. Of course he promptly settles down to “basic punching”, beating on DiBiase when he tries to sneak up behind him. A chase outside finally sees Ted take the lead with his fistdrop when Herc gets slowed down by Virgil coming in, and Ted goes into his “precise striking” style of heel dominance. The crowd reactions for Herc so far seem SOLID, but more because people hate DiBiase, I think. An axehandle off the second rope and more shots work Hercules over, but he makes the comeback with the old “use strength to stop the shot into the turnbuckles” and bashes Ted into them repeatedly, only to get eyeraked and runs into a boot. Ted with a vertical suplex, back body drop & gutwrench suplex, but wastes time slapping Herc to taunt him and SHOCKINGLY, he misses an elbow off the middle rope to cue the comeback. Herc does his same punch combo as before (but with less energy) and Ted begs off, eats a couple of those little “skip forward and tap them” clotheslines (thank god he’s bumping and selling well), then Herc pays him back for those slaps following a powerslam. He locks on the Full Nelson, but Ted theatrically makes the ropes (full-on sitting on them and kicking his legs). The ref tries to pull Herc off but gets elbowed down, and when he puts DiBiase in the torture rack, Virgil runs in with Herc’s chain and blasts him in the gut, sold big by Hercules, who collapses and Ted pins him at (8:38). Wow, kind of a bad ending for Herc- he was selling that for like twenty seconds before DiBiase got the pin. But they send the fans home happy when Virgil attacks, letting Hercules fight them both off before swinging his chain around. Sadly he doesn’t even earn the “gets to beat up Virgil” result.

The match itself was a pretty good tour de force for DiBiase, who essentially had to threat an entire match around Herc’s hot opening and hot ending- Herc just had to lie there and sell for the entire thing, so Ted had to talk smack, bounce him around, throw punches, etc. Thankfully Ted’s offense looks GREAT, because Hercules was only really good in his initial flurry- he seems to run out of gas rapidly in everything I’ve seen of his. The crowd wasn’t that hot for his comebacks, either- I’m guessing his lack of charisma, a general lack of good selling (compare Herc’s “ow” selling to Savage or Jake’s constant desperation and mini-comebacks) and his perception as a midcarder by this point, probably hurt him. He gets to stick around in the midcard for a while, at least, but this is probably his peak as a singles guy. The result is somewhat interesting- a shot to the GUT sees the finish, and they do the “they both lie there for a while and the heel rolls over for the pin” thing for a good chunk of time, and then Hercules doesn’t even get to slap the Full Nelson on Virgil to make the fans laugh at the stooge’s pain- not the way to make Hercules look strong in defeat.

Rating: **1/2 (hot start from Herc, good “meat” of the match by DiBiase, and mostly overally pretty good, but largely just a Ted-controlled match)

Ron Trongard interviews Slick and the Big Boss Man, and oh my god, Boss Man is a BABY here.

Only 25 years old! As a kid, he was of course like any other adult, but now that I’m in my 40s, I look at him here and see this virtual child in a huge main event, haha.

Boss Man’s promo is pretty weak, though. He comes off nervous and stumbling over his words, calling Hogan “boy” repeatedly. They brandish some handcuffs, sure to feature in the Main Event!

Trongard is now with Hercules, who the camera catches calling for a time out over and over again, lol. Herc just rambles about how “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth!” and how he won’t complain about what another man did. He’s STILL blown up, I think.

AKEEM (w/ The Doctor of Style, Slick) vs. KOKO B. WARE:
* Your everyday midcard nothing bout- the man from Deepest Darkest Africa takes on the company’s most iconic Jobber To The Stars. Much is made of the size disparity- Akeem billed weight is double Koko’s.

Two solid minutes after the bell rings, we finally have contact- Koko accepts a test of strength, but hops to the middle rope and beans Akeem in the forehead. Koko then keeps scooting through his legs to make Akeem look like a goon, then sticks & moves to batter him around. Akeem takes some advice from Slick (“Use your weight and cut the ring off from ‘im!”)- cute bit as Koko is clearly listening in and nodding with a smile. But he finally charges right into Akeem by mistake and gets squashed in the corner, immediately selling death from a single shot. Akeem does one simple move per 30 seconds, then stands on Koko and bearhugs him- Koko boxes the ears to break free after a while but is still selling, getting beaten on more in this anemic match until Akeem hits a lil’ shoulder-shove avalanche and Koko starts pounding the mat to build himself up. The crowd seems to react just a bit as Koko dodges another avalanche and slugs away, but when he puts Akeem in the corner he just does his usual idiot charge into it, flinging himself off the turnbuckles and eating Air Africa (running splash) for the pin at (12:19).

Going 12 minutes with Koko B. Ware is no way for Akeem to get over, so this one is just obviously “padded for time”. The “WWF Run & Stomp” was in full supply, and even if you can buy Akeem just taking his time and reveling in Koko’s pain, it was too much (even with two of those minutes just being the guys getting read for the match and Koko playing evasion). The only real plus was Koko was doing pretty well at selling and bumping, bouncing around a lot.

Rating: * (one of those dreadful “padded out” matches, with a guy not exactly known for great offense)

WWF LADIES CHAMPIONSHIP:
ROCKIN’ ROBIN vs. SENSATIONAL SHERRI:
* Yes, a rare LADIES Title match, with new champion Rockin’ Robin with the world’s worst haircut (what IS that? A full-on 1950s “rooster” cut?). Sherri is already snarling at the front row, and is wearing a blue onesie- Robin’s in black.

Sherri catches Robin napping to start, but ends up going into every corner and is clotheslined for two. She takes assorted cartoonish pratfalls, yells at a heckler and now goes for the DISINGENUOUS HEEL HANDSHAKE, but Robin works her arm, makes her look at something at the ceiling, then punches her in the gut, but Sherri dodges an idiot charge and hits a chinlock. She’s “kicked off” from a toehold but clotheslines Robin for two, then Russian legsweeps her. Robin does an insta-comeback and hammers the leg to set up a Boston crab- they trade pinfall reversals off that, then Sherri throws a bunch of shots and dodges a cross-body. Robin makes a comeback with strikes, Sherri bouncing around for most of them, totally carrying this match, then Robin botches the lift for a powerslam (doing it too early at first)- Sherri keeps making the ropes, then dodges a flying move and clotheslines her for two. But suddenly Sherri whips her off the ropes and tries a back elbow, and Robin snaps off a quick Bulldog for the pin (10:15)! Crowd actually reacted for the move!

Man, Robin was NOT good. Loosey-goosey, often out of oposition, and not really very charismatic, leaving it up to Sherri to be a cartoon doofus and fly around for her, growling and snarling at everything. She did well enough in that context that the match was mostly safe. Ten minutes more well-spent than the Akeem/Koko or Poffo/Zhukov matches, that’s for sure!

Rating: ** (tolerable, even with Robin’s weaknesses)

HULK HOGAN vs. THE BIG BOSS MAN (w/ The Doctor of Style, Slick):
* It’s the big match! Though they continue this feud to before AND after WrestleMania V.

Boss Man keeps trying to jump Hogan before he gets in the ring, but the cowardly Hulkster just shames Boss Man into stepping out, then immediately pulls him off the apron by the foot and beats on him outside. Boss Man goes into all four posts and then gets waffled with a chair as Joey Marella lets all manner of cheating go on. Speaking of, Slick jumps on Hogan’s back when he goes for the billy club, only to get CRUSHED by an avalanche as Hogan dodges Boss Man! Backdrop suplex to the heel! Hulk now takes out handcuffs of his OWN, and Slick’s handcuffed to the corner, then Hogan clotheslines Boss Man’s ass off and bludgeons both guys repeatedly. Boss Man bounces all over the ring while Hogan keeps taking time out of the match to slap Slick around as almost every fan in the front rows is standing. Body slam! Boss Man wibble-wobbles everywhere, but Hogan puts his head down early and gets clotheslined down. A spinebuster has Hogan just doing the “death-sell” immediately as Boss Man frees his manager using a key hidden in his wrist-tape, then does his seated charge into the ropes. Hogan gets choked & piledriven for two, but Boss Man tries a second time, telegraphing it by going WAY too close to the ropes, and gets backdropped to the floor! Check him COMPLETELY wiping out a camera on the way down, haha. Hogan chases Slick around and appears to double-clothesline Boss Man, but the heel gets the better of it and smirks. Big Splash- but it’s the HULK UP! Hogan no-sells everything Boss Man can throw at him, but the big boot puts Boss Man on the floor, where he comes back on Hogan, shoving him into the ropes and handcuffing him. Hogan lurches around the ring while Boss Man works him over with strikes, leaning into the ropes and everything, but Boss Man finally flings himself crotch-first into the top rope! And Hogan looks up, prays to Jesus, and SNAPS THE HANDCUFFS! haha the crowd LOVES this, and Hogan just clotheslines Boss Man and Legdrops him for the three at (9:12)!

Man, total gobble-job by Hogan, haha. I mean the Formula could often be like that, but he gave the heel only the barest of stuff before making easy comebacks repeatedly, the flattened him clean. But it was still an excellent example of the Hogan Formula Match! He ran roughshod over both heels in humiliating fashion to start, then took some offense, then did the Hulk Up tease before cheating turned the tide, but gloriously opposed the cheating and crushed his foe. The two had great chemistry, with Boss Man feeding all these comebacks and flinging his 350-lb. ass all over the place for the babyface- this comes off like an audition for a “Hogan Feud”, in fact, with Boss Man going above and beyond the call of duty to sell for the top guy in the company. And this seems to work- the pair work together from October till May, past Hogan’s World Title win until they cap it off on Saturday Night’s Main Event in the Cage Match. What is that- seven months of Hogan paydays? The Hulkster obviously liked working with the guy. Funnily enough, he’s more generous in most of the other matches I’ve seen- I guess on the “Televised Small-Market Shows” it’s more worthwhile to Hulk just to gobble the dudes up.

Ironically, the Hogan match of all things is the only bout of the show with good clotheslines, as instead of doing those little “skip forward and tap him” ones everyone else was doing, Hogan was just running Boss Man over like a freight train.

Rating: *** (excellent “Hogan Formula” with top-tier bumping by the Boss Man)

All in all, this was a fun show! Okay so much of it was ass. It’s just… kind of amusing watching how every single person here has to deal with the “How to stretch it to ten minutes” problem. You can’t JUST sit in restholds, or you have a match as bad as the opener. Bad News, DiBiase & Akeem all do the “Walk & Stomp”, talking shit while occasionally throwing a simple move, but Bad News shakes it up more than Akeem does, and DiBiase is the clear master, hitting a variety of strikes and suplexes to make up for Herc’s lack of cardio. Sherri & Robin actually put in some work, but it’s clumsy and weak. Demolition/Powers of Pain, meanwhile, is just an all-out brawl with insta-comebacks. Hilariously the tag bout (which has four guys in it and presumably would need less resting) is the one that’s only 6 minutes long. Hogan/Boss Man, meanwhile, was a bumping showcase for the heel as he auditions himself for a bigger role in the company. Oh, and Santana & Valentine have “match of the night” with a hard-hitting, sweat-dripping contest of equals. Not bad considering these shows are usually only moderately more ferociously-wrestled than house show bouts (ie. they work harder cuz it’s on TV, but only in one market so not THAT hard).