The Ultimate Warrior vs. Harley Race (and other Dream Matches!)

Ultimate Warrior, master of chain wrestling, doing rollups. Somehow I don’t think he’s calling this one.

WWF IN BOSTON GARDEN:
(March 5th 1988)
* Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I got ANOTHER Boston Garden show! And this one has an “unbelievable happening”, as Monsoon would say it. A Main Event of Macho Man Randy Savage and STRIKE FORCE vs. The Honky Tonk Man and the Hart Foundation! And more importantly, DINO BRAVO vs. DAVID SAMMARTINO! And holy shitballs, judging by these timestamps that could legit go 20 minutes! (alas, nope) We also have “The King” Harley Race vs. The Ultimate Warrior! The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. The Glamour Girls! The Rougeau Brothers vs. Demolition! Jack “The Snake” Roberts vs. “Outlaw” Ron Bass! Sam Houston vs. Dangerous Danny Davis! And we start with an main event in any arena in the country, S.D. Jones vs. Steve Lombardi!

And our hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes! I predict lots of in-jokes and low-key burials!

S.D. JONES vs. STEVE LOMBARDI:
* Oh come on with this shit, haha. I know they love to put the most bottom-tier trash imaginable on these shows, but the two Final Boss Jobbers together? Lombardi’s in black trunks and SD Jones, with a MASSIVE steroid gut, is in red. Always funny how even the jobbers here are way on the gas to the point where their stances are all funny.

They exchange ultra-basics to start, Lombardi being extra whiny while Monsoon & Hayes joke about “The Terry Garvin School of Self-Defense” and how they spotted Garvin in the back, “expressly to watch Lombardi”, who keeps charging into Jones and taking bumps while they point out this is a sign of his inexperience. Man, remember when Lombardi wasn’t an old hand? Hayes: “Lombardi has picked up one or two good victories recently” “He has? I must have missed those!” “*laughs*” “Was I away? Was I ill?” “Well I think it was on the *B* circuit”. Lombardi catches Jones after a leapfrog with a clothesline while Monsoon points out Jones “didn’t bother to break a sweat in the dressing room”. They bury his sloppy chinlock but Jones hoists him up using power. Lombardi uses heel tactics to control as Monsoon buries how he “wastes so much time after he DOES an effective move!” then suggests he met Brutus Beefcake for that haircut “I don’t imagine anyone would PAY for something like that!”. Lombardi does the “walk & stomp” and they both gouge the eyes and the crowd is dying, but SD’s invincible head cues his comeback of PLODDING FISTICUFFS. But after a slow-motion sunset flip exchange, Lombardi catches Jones with his head down an an inside cradle gets the win at (8:04). Jones bitches about the count, and rightly so- cartoonishly fast.

Rating: 1/2* (Torturous. Just two slow, plodding juice-jockeys running around in slow motion unable to put their arms all the way down at their sides. Lombardi really only had “cheat and taunt” as his style. Thank god it was just the opener, and Monsoon & Hayes were here to bury it at every available opportunity)

Monsoon interviews Sam Houston (lol they’re at EQUAL HEIGHTS- is Monsoon in a pit?). Houston stumbles over his words and actually says “I’m just happy to be here” like a doofus. “You think you’re pretty hot stuff, and I’m here to tell you you’re not”. STRONG WORDS. Then it’s some ads and a promo on the floor with Jimmy Hart & Danny Davis.

DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. SAM HOUSTON:
* ugh I reviewed a contest between these two already. Please tell me this is the same one so I don’t have to watch it happen again. *checks* DAMN.

Davis does his best “wimp out and hide” to stall, finally ending up in the dreaded pithold 2 minutes later, Houston working the arm with the most basic lazy stuff with minimal body contact. Davis is at least trying to do some “whiny heel” stuff but only has the basics of the mannerisms down. Davis comes back with an eyepoke and a simply awful clothesline (but Monsoon & Hayes try to put over how much weight he put behind it), then works some piss-poor offense while celebrating himself. Kneelift, dodges a knee, swinging neckbreaker… but Sam comes back with fisticuffs and a near sling blade, then the finish- Davis pulls down the ropes so Sam flies over him. Houston’s hurt and Jimmy does the indignity of hoisting him up so Davis can suplex him back in, and DANNY DAVIS WINS CLEAN at (8:03). hahahahaah he lost to DANNY DAVIS. Not even any chicanery- Davis just did a legal move and the most unfair thing was that Hart pulled Houston up like a jobber so he could get pinned.

Another clunky-ass Davis performance- for such an undersized wrestler he should be more agile, but he moves like he’s got 40 more pounds of roid muscle on him than he does. At least he shook things up once it was his own turn to do thinsg, never repeating moves. But they all looked like ass, so it doesn’t matter. Poor Houston has the indignity of not only jobbing to the lowest-ranked guy in the company, but he loses CLEAN, too. Humiliating. There’s no coming back from a feud like THIS. The most interesting part of the match was commentary actually trying to put it over. Compared to burying the opening match, this one is almost openly lying, telling us it’s better than it is. Did they have at least SOME respect for these dorks?

Rating: * (another bad Davis match, and Houston really showed nothing- no fire or energy)

Dave Hebner interview! With Monsoon now towering over him legitimately. Dave’s forced to explain where he was after the controversial Main Event with the famous “Twin Referees” finish. He has no explanation for who the clone is, but says he was locked up in a room with “five huge guys” preventing him from leaving until the match was over.

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. THE ROUGEAU BROTHERS (Jacques & Raymond Rougeau):
* The babyface Rougeaus take on the top heels and Tag Team Title challengers- Demolition! Humorously, the Rougeaus get a tiny polite response, and the heels get a signifcantly bigger one when their music hits. Ax at this point is built like a brick shithouse- clearly way more roided than the doughier Smash (who has more KISS-like makeup and a shorter haircut that makes him look balder than he was in 1991, even). The Rougeaus, wearing pastel blue trunks and shaking hands before the bout, could not look like bigger dorks.

Smash starts with Jacques, and barely ten seconds go by before Ax charges in and they pound the shit out of him, hahaha. This is why the fans turned them babyface. Raymond runs in and HE eats a beating, but a double-whip sees Jacques clothesline Ax and Smash get double-teamed. Smash gets double-teamed, being a bit clunky (coming in too late to eat a kangaroo kick). Smash keeps pulling the hair and finally escapes, Ax countering the Rougeaus’ speed and technical skills with good ol’ Jumping Demolition Axehandles. I love how that’s their solution for every kind of opponent. All their strategies come back to “just punch them lots”. The Demos make quick tags and do simple double-teams, but persistence is key and Ax eats a bunch of shots to the leg.

Ax shows his mat-wrestling acumen by kicking Ray in the head to get out of a move, but misses a headbutt. He stuffs a monkey flip and Ray eats more double-teams and gets dumped so Fuji can blast him with the cane. Smash just dumps him into the ring like a sack of shit and they work neck-vices, using Fuji’s cane to choke away behind everyone’s backs, luring in a pissed Jacques. Ray actually manages to reverse a vertical suplex on Ax, then dodges Smash’s elbow and fights off BOTH guys, knocking noggins and putting Smash down with a back elbow! No pin cuz Jacques comes in to fight Ax, who boots Ray in the head out of a Boston crab and when the ref finally gets Jacques out, Demolition hit Ray with a double-clothesline and pin him at (8:14). What is this, Survivor Series? Commentary puts over Demo’s “masterful” tactics and how even one mistake will cost you.

**1/2- the Demolition Special. They were the kings of hitting no better and no worse than that for years, lol. The Rougeaus didn’t have much personality until they turned heel, but had good moves in the ring. I liked how Demolition were just these big, ugly, clunky dudes- Smash wasn’t much of a help in eating offense because he was fairly hesitant, but both guys actually coming off like it was hard to Irish whip them kind of fit because of the size difference. After that, I liked how Demolition just resorted to brutality each and every time, swallowing up their smaller opponents and dragging them around for more beatings. Then Raymond’s comeback looked great because he was catching both dudes no matter how hard they tried- it was just bad luck and a distracted ref screwing them. Kind of a weak finish, though- in the ’80s it was usually an “unseen top-rope move” that would score these kind of “Ref Distraction” finishes, not a totally legal double clothesline.

Rating: **1/2 (a pretty basic, effective House Show-Type match- good effort without swinging for the fences)

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. “THE KING” HARLEY RACE:
* YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! A washed-up former NWA Champ in his third trimester taking on one of the most un-carryable wrestlers ever as they’re about to strap the rocket to his ass. THAT’S the good shit! Warrior’s in yellow & Race is in black.

Warrior completely ignores Race’s clubbing lariat and drops him with a short arm, Race already doing the “drunk sell” and stumbling around- attaboy. Race headbutts out of a break in the corner, but gets countered off a whip and FLIPS backwards over the top rope! Race then tries a shot on the apron but gets clobbered, flopping back and sliding down the stairs backwards. Such indignity! Race actually shoulderblocks the Warrior down and sells the impact by falling headfirst into his crotch for a low blow! Wow, that’s normally a spot the heels eat. Harley throws some shots, but Warrior chops him until Harley flips all the way over the top and nails the ring apron on the way down, but comes back with a headbutt and piledriver. Race stumbles off a single counter-punch, but does a good push-off and actually tosses Warrior to the floor. Warrior goes into the post on the apron, but floats over from a suplex and hits a FUCKING SCHOOLBOY for the win at (4:54). Hahahahaha- the ULTIMATE WARRIOR, famous counter-wrestler and mat technician, defeats the former NWA Champion with a schoolboy reversal. Warrior threatens to kick more ass, sending the King scurrying.

haha man, if you got an opponent with almost no ability at all but you MUST put him over at all costs, you call Harley. With no dignity at all, he takes cartoon bumps, slides down the ring steps upside-down off of one move, then lands on his ass and flips over the top rope off of the weakest shit. What a boob. Warrior just along for the ride, doing these basic-ass overhand punches he always does and Harley takes care of the rest. Harley was broken down but still doing crazy things like backflipping over the top rope (I mean he’s got his hands around the rope AND on the apron so he’s doing a controlled fall, but still) and has perfect details to his work like the shove-off (instead of a wrist-based whip, he just plants his hand on Warrior’s side and SHOVES him). The finish is an all-time funny one, though. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR defeating the wily old legend with a basic schoolboy counter. It’s kinda weird because you’d think they’d have the Warrior run a basic squash finish, but I guess they wanted more of a “sudden counter” moment to leave it up in the air? Not that jobbing to the clumsiest guy in the company’s rollup is less embarrassing than just eating his finish. I guess it makes Warrior look like a non-lunkhead, but he didn’t even get to do his cool shit during the match!

Rating: ** (two stars just for Harley’s hilarious cartoon bumping. Honestly the Warrior looked bad because he didn’t use any of his big moves)

DINO BRAVO (w/ Frenchy Martin) vs. DAVID SAMMARTINO:
* Alas and alack, it turns out the match listing a guy posted didn’t include Roberts/Bass, so this match is indeed not going to be 20 minutes long. Hopefully my heart can recover from this disappointment. Dino actually shakes Mel Phillips’ hand for announcing his world bench press record at 712 pounds, haha. Man, I suspect Sammartino might be on the gas. He’s a short guy in black trunks with an awful 70s-looking mop of hair and ALL THE MUSCLES.

Bravo shoves David off to start, and David is actually working REALLY HARD here, flinging himself around, jolting back, and taking huge strides as he tears around the ring. He throws Bravo around in hiptosses, and Bravo bails and takes more shots until he hits an inverted atomic drop that looks like it HURT (David doesn’t stop with his feet like most do and indeed just halts across Dino’s knee). Dino follows with a piledriver while Monsoon & Hayes keep talking about the pressure David is under (Monsoon: “He was asking me in the locker room ‘how do I fill these shows?’ I said ‘you don’t- you make your own”). David fights up from a chinlock, and manages a sunset flip that almost gets Bravo, then dodges an elbowdrop and fires back with strikes that kinda mostly look bad- he might be getting blown up here. Kneedrop gets two, but Dino just reverses a whip and hits the Side Slam for three at (5:41). hahaha WHAT? Just like that? Dude didn’t even cheat or get a big counter- just did a basic-ass reversal and hit his finisher. Poor David, lol.

Okay this was shockingly not horrible and I don’t know what to think. My entire concept of reality is SHAKEN, guys! It moved quickly, both guys put in some effort, and more. Probably because they kept it short and sweet. I mean it’s not GREAT, but Dino Bravo in a ** is an unusual wonder. This guys’s so bad that one could construct an entire identity around his inadequacy as a performer!

Rating: ** (I know, I’m as shocked as you. These guys are so legendarily ass I’m almost disappointed it’s not worse, lol)

Monsoon now interview Jake Roberts, who talks about Ron Bass “carrying that little whip around”. “I know something about intimidation, and abusing people- I enjoy them both *winks*”. He says a lot of things can win a wrestling match- skill, strength, etc… but the DDT is like a gun, and he’s the only one who has it. Meanwhile, Ron Bass just cuts this indecipherable screaming promo until Monsoon just gets annoyed and hollers “Why are you shouting?!” at him, then finally FLIPS HIS HAT OFF for jabbing a finger in his direction! Oh snap! Bass thankfully is a pro and just threatens him again and again, saying he should get his “big carcass” in the ring and they’ll see what’s what.

JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS vs. “OUTLAW” RON BASS:
* Well let’s see if THIS one can surprise me, too! Bass, extremely portly at 40 years of age, is on his way out.

Bass IMMEDIATELY goes to a headlock without so much as a babyface shine sequence while Monsoon puts over Ron’s strength and nastiness, then wonders why he’s being called out. “Doesn’t he know I’m retired? Might have to send him a memo.” “Yes. Well he can’t read, I don’t think so it wouldn’t make a lot of difference.” Jake finally leads Bass on a chase and kneelifts him in the ring, but Bass escapes the DDT. They keep stalling and Bass throws a tantrum over a rude salute, then panics over proximity to Damien. He manages a clothesline and NOW Jake’s in his “pleading sell” mode. Bass does the slow “walk & stomp” while Monsoon suggests “the tank is becoming empty”, and that if Bass can’t pin him soon, he won’t, while Hayes writes off his technical ability, pointing out he isn’t good enough to use a rollup and hook a leg, lol. So he showed up drunk and/or hungover today, huh? Jake gets the short-arm clothesline, but gets slammed into the corner out of the DDT and Bass is a brick wall that Jake runs into, nearly getting pinned after collapsing. Bass starts to fire away again, but Jake dumps him and Bass is Counted Out at (10:54). Haha, awful finish- all that stuff and a regular-ass floor bump ends it. Bass knocks Jake down and brings out the bullwhip, but out comes Damien.

Not totally awful, but a lot of character stuff and not much actual in-ring, as Bass was an old brawler and Jake was never really any good. Really weak finish and not the best from either guy, though.

Rating: ** (about what you’d expect from both guys, except not quite as bad- just mostly boring)

WWF LADIES TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE JUMPING BOMB ANGELS (Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki) vs. THE GLAMOUR GIRLS (Leilani Kai & Judy Martin, w/ Jimmy Hart):
* And now it’s time for more of the famous JB Angels run! The two came from AJW (“Zenjo”) in Japan and were truly elite workers for their time, and of course the only people in the company they seemed to wrestle were the Glamour Girls, as both Kai & Martin had trained in Zenjo and thus “spoke the language”, as it were. It would have been a complete disaster seeing the futuristic women’s style being used against the typical Moolah types, so the GG were of great importance here, being able to play off the Angels and their state of the art work.

Martin attacks Yamazaki before the bell, but Yamazaki forward rolls under her and hits the Japan-style flat-back dropkick and rolls her in an ugly spot. Tateno knocks Kai around, and Yamazaki works the arm with the “walk-up” armscissors and aw, I just realized I’ve already reviewed t his one. Yamazaki hitting an incredible “walk-up” short arm-scissors, with Lord Alfred needling Gorilla (“I think you used to do something like that in your day, didn’t you, Gorilla?” “Boy, I didn’t apply it QUITE in that manner, but…”). The Angels control almost literally everything, with even Hayes marking out for Tateno’s bridge-out (and Monsoon having NOTHING NEGATIVE TO SAY about their stereo abdominal stretches!), and they hit a BIG delayed waistlock suplex and a Flying Knee on Martin, who barely tags out. They beat on Yamazaki with Moolah Offense and some impressive hair-whips, then start cheating with the tag rope- I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone actually untie it and use it for free-range choking like that.

Long heat sequence on Yamazaki, complete with double-team strangulation and two false tags… hahahahaah Tateno kicks Dave Hebner in the ass to stop a count! Never see babyfaces do THAT. Hebner has a cow over it, too, screaming and yelling at her and thus ignoring a pin attempt. But Yamazaki ducks a double-clothesline and hauls both girls down- she again fails to make the tag but then dodges an elbow and Tateno’s finally in! She throws a trio of high knees as the crowd is now really into it as Kai hits the ring, but Martin ducks a crossbody and immediately celebrates, pointing to her head to indicate intelligence, then Yamazaki sneaks in and catches her napping with a flat-back Missile Dropkick, setting up an eventual backslide for the pin (11:50). Not bad, but not as innovative or mind-blowing as your typical JBA/GG match.

Very fun match, with the JB Angels doing more Zenjo-style stuff like flat-back dropkicks and even messing with the ref and openly interfering. All things even the babyfaces can get away with in their promotion, but are pretty shocking in the WWF. The crowd was quiet at first, but with them by the end of it thanks to all the pandemonium and constant run-ins. This is again pretty Zenjo-ish, as the tempo increases and all the false-finishes are done rapid-fire, and that style generally works about everywhere. You can tell their technique was awesome because Monsoon was marking out for it all match long, and that MEANS SOMETHING because you know he’ll bury anyone who starts sucking.

Rating: *** (perfectly fine stuff, and nobody looked bad- lots of good JB Angels moves and a solid heat segment leading to a great chaotic final couple minutes)

STEEL CAGE MATCH:
MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE & STRIKE FORCE (Rick Martel & Tito Santana) (w/ Elizabeth) vs. THE HONKY TONK MAN & THE HART FOUNDATION (Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart) (w/ Jimmy Hart):
* Now THIS is a main event! The babyface tag team champions and the future World Champion against the most hated IC Champion ever and the top heel team next to Demolition.

They hit the ring and we’re off with not much time remaining in the show- Bret strips Martel of his shirt and starts choking him with it while the heels control, but soon Martel does the same to Bret and starts beating him to a pulp on the mat, and the other two turn it around as well, Savage beating on Neidhart and Tito taking on Honky Tonk. Honky quickly tries to bail because he’s a coward (thus leaving the Harts at a disadvantage), but he’s dragged in by his tights and Savage hits the overhand elbow to leave him reeling- Honky comes back with an eyerake and turnbuckle shot as the heels turn it around on cue. Bret hits his pendulum backbreaker on Martel but get caught up top- they actually brawl standing on the top rope (which excites the crowd, thinking something big’s coming) but baby the landing so both guys are fine. Savage holds Honky for a big Martel combo while Neidhart get caught trying to head out the door and pummeled by Tito, who goes out instead… and Neidhart is stopped from pulling him! Tito’s out! But the babyfaces are now 2-on-3, except Neidhart immediately slips out. Easy night for him- I don’t know if he even took a bump yet!

Bret gets SMOKED into the steel mesh, but manages to halt Martel and drag him back over the top while Savage is choked out by a t-shirt. A double corner-whip sees the heels slam into each other, and that lets Martel escape over the top. But Bret wisely just turns around and nails Savage as he’s doing his jab-combo on Honky, and Randy is in trouble. Axehandle off the second rope nails him and we’ve got a heat segment on Savage, with the crowd getting behind him. Bret tries to bail, but Honky tells him to head back, and Savage is hit by another flying move as the heels are taking their time working him over. A double back elbow wallops Savage, leaving him writhing while the Hitman bails, Honky gloating and dropping elbows. But Savage catches him about to bail and launches him into the steel! Honky sells that big-time, but quickly gets an eyerake to stop the fans’ excitement at their peak- SO CLOSE to them seeing him get destroyed. But that leads to the ending- the fans have their anticipation ruined, but when Honky climbs over, Savage grabs him by the hair, pulls him back in, lays him on the top corner to throw some boots, then drops him balls-first across the top rope to leave him cartoonishly writhing in agony while Savage escapes at (8:20). Savage’s team wins!

A pretty interesting man- on the surface, it’s a night of easy work for the guys- barely anyone took any bumps and it was just “throw punches and choke and then leave”- Santana & Neidhart only put in three minutes of work! Bret & Savage were the workhorses, doing tons of selling and bumping, with Savage doing last-ditch fired up comeback. Great move having Savage nearly have Honky dead but gets stopped RIGHT at the peak of the fans’ excitement, disappointing them but bringing them back for the big finale, which has a completely humiliating bump for the IC Champion to give the fans their money’s worth. The escape rules are always iffy in WWF logic, especially here as it’s more “luck your way out” rather than “leave them bloodied and beaten so they can’t stop you escaping”, but paid off with the psychology in the end since Martel scooting out left Savage alone.

Rating: **3/4 (very fun for the short time alotted, but equal parts lazy and cheap on many parts)

All in all, another fun show- not as good as some, and the best match is only the *** women’s match, but a nice mish-mash of wild bouts. Like, when else are you going to see the Warrior take on Harley Race?