Mabel vs. A 400-lb. Japanese Guy in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I didn’t write one for this Wednesday, since I figured Christmas Day wasn’t gonna be a good time for readership/engagement, plus I didn’t have the time before my vacation to actually WRITE a column, so I’ll post a three-match Friday column! This one features a Japan-style FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the former Mabel & Viscersa, “Big Daddy Voodoo”, heads to the bizarre, sleazy version of All Japan Pro Wrestling, as the former “King’s Road” now offers Mabel vs. Ryota Hama, a 400-lb. Japanese dude! This one deserves watching just for the “What the FUCK?” nature of the finish, which is one of the most dangerous ever.

Next up, a wild dream match in Lucha’s UWA promotion, as Bam Bam Bigelow teams up with the Samoan Swat Team against lucha legends El Canek, Fishman & Dos Caras! And finally, the last of the Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Norton matches- in Scott’s last-ever WCW match on WCW Thunder!

BIG DADDY VOODOO vs. RYOTA HAMA:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, 02.07.2010)
* WOOOOOOOOOOOOO YESSSSSSSSSSSSS it’s Big Daddy V vs. a hugely fat Japanese guy! You can even get FAT MAN STAND-OFFS in Japan! Voodoo is around 40 years old here, sporting a sleeveless black shirt and pants that are way too tight, revealing his disproportionately scrawny legs. Hama is like a foot shorter but almost as wide as V, and comes down to a 1970s-style disco version of the Imperial March from Star Wars. He’s a 2-year vet at this point, and still wrestles today, having gone to Wrestle-1 in 2013, then Big Japan. This has “indie sleaze” written all over it, which is pretty sad considering 20 years before this was Misawa/Jumbo wrestling perfection, haha.

The bell rings and yes… YES… FAT GUY NO-SOLD SHOULDERBLOCKS! Hama tries one and Voodoo ignores it! Voodoo tries one and Hama acts defiant! They BOTH do charges and Hama goes down! Having thus established that both are indeed fat, but Voodo is fatter, Voodoo tries an elbow but can’t deal with Hama’s speed and agility, and gets his arm legdropped. Voodoo takes some sumo shoves and “hits” the floor, already looking like he’s at death’s door, but trips up Hama and drags him outside, throwing him into the railing. haha the woman shrieking in horror and then laughing afterwards. Voodoo stands on poor Hama, shouts at the ref, and “rolls” him in, Hama huffing and puffing and Voodoo being so blown up he has to openly call spots and can’t sell the comeback. He catches Hama with a MONSTER Boss Man Slam but with zero air time (I mean, how could there be?), getting two. Voodoo gets a seated dropkick (!!) for two, but Hama fires back, dodging an avalanche and hitting his own to drop Voodoo, then follows with the running ass slam (called the “Stinky Face” on commentary)! It actually got over! Hama with a DDT & elbow for two. Running splash clearly hits legit (nothing but belly-on-belly impact with no legs or hands blocking) and gets two, and Hama gets another avalanche, only to charge into the spinning heel kick for a double-down. Voodoo recovers first, actually barrel-rolling across Hama’s body, then avalanches him to set up… sweet fucking Christ- a SPLASH OFF THE TOP ROPE, absolutely flattening him with a vicious drop-down for the pin at (7:09). Mother of God- Voodoo weighs like 480+ legit and could in no way imaginable reduce his descent with his hands or knees, so Hama basically ate shit on that straight across the chest. I mean, Voodoo didn’t so much leap off the top as he did push off, using his foot on the middle rope to launch himself, but a splash is a splash- holy shit. Voodoo looks to be in enormous pain even as he’s covering, and struggles to his feet. He manages to hug a contingent of lady fans, one of whom LOLs as she wipes his sweat off her face.

oh man, poor Mabel- dude was just STRUGGLING here, barely able to move or sell, getting up all slow, etc. Makes you realize how much better he was in his, er, “athletic prime”. Hama wasn’t much better, noticeably huffing and puffing all match. Thank god both guys were so big they could believably do the “sell hard after a single move or two” thing. But you had a lot of reduced selling since both were too tired to fling themselves around, some poor timing as Voodoo needed tons of effort to get into position (check the heel kick- he’s starting his roll almost right when Hama starts running and Hama almost lands ON him on the sell). The match pretty much does what it sets out to do, establishing that both men are indeed obese and capable of using their obesity as weapons, culminating with the mother of all finishes.

Rating: **1/4 (fun in an “Indie Sleaze” kind of way but also a mess of poor cardio and bumping, saved by a murderous finish)

BAM BAM BIGELOW & THE SAMOAN SWAT TEAM (Fatu & Samu) vs. CANEK, DOS CARAS & FISHMAN:
(Universal Wrestling Association, 1992)
* WOO BABY! A totally random lucha match with three legends (I think Fishman is a legend? Maybe?) versus Bam Bam and the SSTs! The future Headshrinkers! Except they can speak English here. In fact, they’re both more erudite than Bigelow. Exhaustive research into Dos Caras (okay I checked the first paragraph of his Wikipedia page) says he has been called the greatest heavyweight to come out of Mexico (remember that most luchadores are small and the Heavyweight Belt is in fact kind of a “JTTS” tier usually)- he’s in red & blue. Fishman normally has a green mask with a shiny (like scales!) decal on it… but today is in green & yellow. Canek is also a huge star (also a Heavyweight, and bigger than Caras- he was UWA’s big star of the 1980s!), and is green with a shiny mask, which made me think he was Fishman at first.

PRIMERA CAIDA: The rudos attack immediately, Fishman throwing wimpy strikes at Bigelow but selling the pain in his arms and head. The rudos sell nothing and slowly beat down the technicos, the SST using their sarongs to choke Caras, and they clear the ring and pose. The actual wrestling starts slow, but Samu goes nuts-first into the corner and Caras slams the SST. Funny bit as Canek comes in and gets whipped to the post, Bam Bam clearly expecting him to come barreling out with an attack but Canek just arbitrarily deciding to start selling the back and he drops to one knee. Bam Bam misses a charge off the next whip and eats some offense, but drops Canek across his knee and the SST whip him in for an avalanche (Canek taking a wimpy bump by actually bracing with his shoulder). Bam Bam with the least graceful rolling senton ever and he pins Canek easily 6 minutes in. Fishman eats a powerslam from Fatu, who holds him for a move that never comes, then Bam Bam suplexes Samu onto him (Fishman amusingly tries to roll away but eats the bump anyhow), gets pinned, and Dos Caras eats a triple headbutt for the fall at (7:13). Easy rudo win there.

SEGUNDA CAIDA: Fishman smashes Samu’s face into the mat, sadly not resulting in a no-sell & thrust kick (must not be a lucha spot that Samoans have invincible heads)- he fights back but gets dumped. Fatu & Dos Caras stall for a couple minutes with taunting and yelling at the crowd, but Caras finally dropkicks him to the floor and the technicos beat some SST ass, smashing their heads into stuff. But Bigelow comes in with a suplex on Canek, but misses a falling headbutt, only to stop a leaping clothesline with a Boss Man Slam-esque drop. Canek quickly no-sells and hits a tope suicida. And immediately Fatu comes in and gets inside cradled for three as Samu slips on the top rope and crotches himself (I assume someone shook the ropes off-camera), and Fishman pins him with some sentons (6:05). Okay you only need two pins this time?

TERCERA CAIDA: We start with Fishman/Fatu, Fatu making an obscene gesture instead of selling (causing his middle finger to get blurred out). Fishman eats some slams and a double-headbutt, and sells his ass off for a Bam Bam falling headbutt. Bigelow fires out three more and leaves him laying, but he rolls out to tag Dos Caras, who immediately gets pulled into a Samoan drop and more falling headbutts. He fares better against Fatu, who accidentally gets flattened by a charging Samu and pescado’d, and Samu eats a tope suicida from Fishman. This leaves Bigelow with Canek, tearing at his mask, and lands on him when he tries a backdrop suplex, getting two. And Bam Bam immediately crushes him with a great Rolling Senton, pinning him at (3:43). Well that was succinct!

An interesting, pretty ugly match to start, as they seemed to be having communication issues and guys not doing what each other expected. The technicos tried no-selling, but were getting slammed over and over again (and HARD- these lucha rings were brutally stiff, too) and pretty much let the rudos eat them alive with little trouble. This obviously sets up a Bam Bam/Canek program, which had Bigelow as one of many foreign challengers to the local hero. Wikipedia says “Bigelow did not enjoy working in Mexico”, which I assume translates to “Bam Bam talks himself out of yet another job”. But all in all it was some pretty ugly spots and guys stalling for time. Give Fishman credit for the best selling, haha.

Rating: ** (why don’t I review more lucha? Because I tend to default to this rating because I just have a hard time contemplating the style, lol)

BILL GOLDBERG vs. SCOTT NORTON:
(WCW Thunder, Sept. 30th 1999)
* It’s the third Goldberg/Norton match! This is apparently Scott Norton’s final WCW appearance- a Bischoff boy, he wasn’t welcome once Eric was gone. This is one of the final appearances of nWo gear in the promotion as well, as Norton is repping them on his upper thigh. Goldberg’s drawstring is hanging down, which I find tremendously irksome for some reason.

Goldberg immediately absorbs Norton’s punches and fires back, absolutely LAUNCHING him over the top rope with a right hand- great sell by Norton there. They brawl on the floor, Norton doing a good cross-eyed sell before firing out of a guardrail whip with a big lariat. Man, WCW crowds were extra-molesty when guys were against the railings, lol. Imagine if one of these dudes swung wide and popped one? Norton pounds away and slams Goldberg into the post repeatedly, but Goldberg NO-SELLS and Norton goes into the post, rolling to the ground! Norton comes back with his short-arm clothesline, then some pounding, then another short-arm. Avalanche keeps it up as the fans do the “Goldberg!” chant, and they guys “collide” in mid-air trying leaping shoulder attacks. They’re both up, and Goldberg ducks a clothesline so he can hit the Spear, roaring to life and hitting the Jackhammer (holding Norton up for a while for added emphasis) and getting three at (3:56).

A pretty typical Goldberg match, which arguably makes it better than the typical Goldberg/Norton 50/50 longer matches seen thus far, as neither guy’s specialty was extended selling and limb focus. Norton’s a big enough dude to be able to believably absorb some big strikes before firing back, turning the match into a clash of bulls, but both guys can only ignore all the match’s offense so far, so they’re better off going home early.

Rating: ** (typical Goldberg stuff, but in an extended template with some believable brawling on the floor and neither guy getting blown up)