Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Norton (and other Dream Matches!)

Most guys don’t LITERALLY go nose to nose, but when dealing with so much mutual manliness, there may be no other choice.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First up is a HOSS MATCH, as Bill Goldberg takes on Scott Norton from an April 1998 Nitro! And following that a REMATCH from the following January! Which one will get blown up from going long first?! Will Norton sell anything!? Will GOLDBERG!?! So much drama!

And this week, I wanted to start another “series” of All Japan classics- Jumbo vs. The Kids On His Lawn! All Japan’s elder Ace Jumbo Tsuruta teams up with his young student Akira Taue and elder shitbag Masanobu Fuchi as they take on Misawa, the up & coming future Ace and his best friend Toshiaki Kawada, and the much weaker junior division wrestler Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Can both teams keep their weaker members safe and pick up the win? What happens when Misawa’s desire to overcome Jumbo makes him lose his temper? Read on!

Next up, it’s a very “2006 WWE Heat” match, as The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera (w/ Val Venis) takes on Tyson Tomko (w/ Snitsky). Following that, a pair of 2008 SmackDown! matches sees former Tag Champions Deuce ‘N Domino take on Jesse & Festus, in the end of D&D’s WWE run!

WCW U.S. TITLE:
BILL GOLDBERG vs. SCOTT NORTON:
(WCW Nitro, April 27th 1998)
* SWEET GOD YES!!! After watching any Scott Norton match, you’ll see this big barrel-shaped guy just ignore everything thrown at him because he sucks and doesn’t really get that even supposedly-invincible Monster Heels need to sell SOME of the time. Like who the fuck is this guy to be selling less than ANDRE THE GIANT did? So it’ll be glorious seeing him get fed to Goldberg. Nose to nose, they do look like a vision of destruction- Norton is nearly as tall and MUCH broader.

Norton, like most Goldberg opponents, draws first blood- he hits a knee to the gut into a big running shoulderblock, getting barely two and Goldberg springs up so the two hulks LITERALLY go nose to nose, screaming in each other’s faces in the manliest display of aggression ever. Goldberg knees HIM this time, and slugs away into a neckbreaker, Norton also popping up (lol I think he signaled Goldberg to pin him by grabbing his ankle). They get into a HOSS FIGHT on the floor, but Norton rolls Goldberg in so they can BADLY butcher Goldberg’s rolling leglock spot. Thankfully (especially considering his experience level) he is able to segue to a heel hook sorta like he meant to do it that way. Norton fights up and does that “stick his tongue out” thing he always does, but Goldberg counters a whip and shoulderblocks him in the corner. That’s so similar to the Spear the crowd pops, thinking he did it (I mean, it’s basically the same move with no follow-through), but Norton just absorbs it and hoists him up- Shoulderbreaker! His finisher! But Goldberg kicks out at two. Norton’s just “whatever” and hits a Fujiwara armbar of all things, then they do an ugly scrap and Norton hits an arm takedown. But he goes for another Shoulderbreaker, and Goldberg BREAKS THE GRIP from up in the air, scooting down and firing off the SPEAR! Snap! Jackhammer! Norton is done at (2:48)- one of his shortest losses ever.

A pretty ugly match, both guys kinda stepping on each other. Goldberg was barely six months in and this point and needed to be led, and there was some complexity here that could have caused issues. Norton led him to get the pin attempt and the fight on the floor was pretty good, but no way does Norton have the agility to do Goldberg’s rolling leglock- thankfully Goldberg had enough awareness to try a heel hook in that position. Norton’s Shoulderbreaker never made a lot of sense as a pinning move but always LOOKED painful, and him working the arm after theoretically neutralizes the Jackhammer. Except Goldberg didn’t actually know how to sell yet and so didn’t even hold his arm, haha. Just sorta tapped it once after the takedown on it, then he uses raw power to break Norton’s grip and spears him (using that same shoulder) and Jackhammers him like nothing happened. But I mean, watching Norton steamroll everyone without selling a damn thing all the time makes this rather cathartic, seeing someone ignore his own shit and just hit two moves for the pin. Good on Norton (and possibly the NJPW office) for letting him job in three minutes to the new guy, at least- he was very well-protected in WCW.

Rating: *1/2 (an extended Goldberg Squash, showing why they were rarely extended- it was pretty ugly with some messed up moments, but at least didn’t go too long)

BILL GOLDBERG vs. SCOTT NORTON:
(WCW Nitro, Jan. 25th 1999)
* A sequel to the above match, from 1999. Goldberg’s already sporting a bloody spot on his forehead, because at this point he was shoot-headbutting lockers. Norton’s dropped the hockey hair mullet thing for a shorter look, and is in mostly black- last match had nWo spraypaint all over it.

Norton whips out a huge chop, but Goldberg knees him in the gut and casually hoists him into a fireman’s carry and drops him for a jujigatame attempt. Norton reacts to a “Goldberg!” chant and actually SELLS after eating a powerslam, arching his back in agony. Hey, he actually knows how! But Norton reverses a whip and now powerslams GOLDBERG, who just bursts up like it doesn’t hurt, boots him in the head, then puts him on the floor with the Bretslayer kick. They’re taking their time here and milking stuff, and Goldberg leaps off the apron (!) and gets caught and slammed into the ring apron. Norton throws chops and overhands to wear Goldberg down, and casually boots the ringsteps away to try and drill him, but Goldberg shoves him in face-first and knocks him to the floor. And just when I’m about to type “Holy shit, an AWESOME Scott Norton match?” both guys seem to get blown up cuz now they’re just fucking around and throwing weak shots and weird things like Goldberg whipping Norton, who stops after like three steps and turns around. Norton manages a short-arm clothesline on the floor, then we’re back in for a FLYING Shoulderblock (!) for two. Norton hits a backdrop suplex & another short-arm clothesline as he’s now run outta stuff to do- he hits an avalanche to set up his Shoulderbreaker finisher, but Goldberg does the flip to land on his feet… falling on his ass and awkwardly kicking Scott to set up the Spear, and the Jackhammer finishes at (5:31), Goldberg being so out of it he starts to get up before the count is done. Bad form! The nWo B-Team runs in and takes some shots (Horace eats the Spear), Goldberg celebrating with some Texas-based heroes- Herschel Walker, Brett Hull and Chuck Norris, plus Goldberg’s Universal Soldier 2 co-star Jean-Claude Van Damme, who all… only arrive long after the heels are gone. Goldberg is just GASSED at this point, staring down and barely acknowledging these guys, haha.

I was all ready to type “Who would have guessed a match between these two guys would KICK ASS?” but then they either got tired or tied up on the floor and started fucking around and bumping into each other all ugly-like. Goldberg was still too green to be calling much and Norton wasn’t much of a leader in there. Goldberg then had to do an extended selling routine, and we saw his limitations there, too- he pretty much just wobbles and shakes his head occasionally. And he looked GASSED, too- he wasn’t huffing and puffing, but you can tell something’s up when Goldberg is barely doing the full “SNAP!” body motions- when he runs off the nWo at the end and poses with the celebrities, he’s just kinda low-key in energy. It looks so out of character to have him just casually walking around, hanging his head down like a tired old guy. Granted you don’t exactly squash Norton in 2 minutes like normal, but Goldberg should have had the cardio to go six minutes.

Rating: ** (was going really well, then kinda settled down, with a casual Norton beating into a two-move comeback after a clumsy counter)

JUMBO TSURUTA, MASANABU FUCHI & AKIRA TAUE vs. MITSUHARU MISAWA, TOSHIAKI KAWADA & TSUYOSHI KIKUCHI:
(All Japan, Aug. 18th 1990)
* Set shortly after Misawa defeated Jumbo in a huge upset, but before Jumbo got his win back, this is a six-man with huge implications and something to prove. Jumbo in particular has a strong desire to get these kids off his lawn, and is using dirty-fighting old man Fuchi and young upstart Taue as his agents. Misawa has his best friend Kawada, a snot-nosed kick demon, and Kikuchi- a much weaker tryhard junior. Jumbo is the Ace of the promotion, but he has two weaker teammates to Misawa’s one. Misawa’s in green/white, Kikuchi’s in white tights with the Imperial Flag on his ass, and Kawada is in his AMAZING “Footloose” tights- bright blue and yellow, haha. Jumbo & Fuchi are in old-man black trunks and Taue’s in red. Jumbo seems prepped to take on Kikuchi, but steps back and talks to his boys, sending Fuchi (also a Junior in weight class) out instead.

Kikuchi immediately lights up Fuchi to start, hammering him with every elbow he can muster, firing off one out of a rope break and blasting him until Fuchi can stuff him and tag out. Taue immediately crushes him with an absolutely brutal clothesline out of a SUMO STANCE~~ and starts stomping him down into a headscissors to slow the pace. But he accidentally rolls them over to the junior corner and Kawada fires off on him, hitting a huge running lariat of his own and working a chinlock, but IN COMES JUMBO, but Kawada greets him with a slugfest, peppering him with greater speed and dodging a boot only to get hit with the Jumbo Knee on the follow-through, flat-backing so Jumbo can do his “raised fist” taunt- the old man is crafty! Fuchi tries but immediately gets clobbered and Misawa finally comes in using his dropkick & senton, so Fuchi the asshole just bootrakes his eyes and tags Jumbo and NOW THE LEADERS ARE SQUARING OFF. They immediately reposition themselves, putting over the magnitude of their upcoming clash- Misawa shooting back to get ready is a great “little thing”. He wins with elbows to start, but Jumbo pushes him back, and in another great bit both are afraid to offer a clean break because the other is ready to strike… so Kawada sneaks in and just puts the boots to Jumbo. Jumbo gets double-teamed by the little shits, but when Kawada gets too cute with a taunting barrage of slaps, Jumbo just FLATTENS him with a monster one. Jesus TK, don’t poke the bear. Even Jumbo’s bodyslams have this viciousness to them- a brutally grumpy “Get off my LAWN!” slam that looks like it kills Kawada.

Jumbo & Taue blast Kawada down- he counters a powerbomb, but Kikuchi proves laughably ineffective, as Taue just casually gets up from his legwork and boots him. Fuchi’s in all “Yeah, put ’em up, kid” like HE did something, then just punches Kikuchi in the forehead and dumps him so Taue can lay in a beating on the floor, haha. They slowly work over Kikuchi, Jumbo stuffing his comeback with ease, but during a crab-hold, Misawa just runs in and PAINTBRUSHES the old man across the face! Oh shit- you don’t often see MISAWA pull out the dick tactics! And instead of being all pissy, Jumbo just sits there stunned, shaking it off and tagging out. Fuchi slams him on the floor and then adds a boot seconds later (I love the little gap- like he just went “oh wait” and added an extra little shot to be a dick), but Kikuchi fires back with a springboard clothesline to Taue! But Taue’s just too big and is able to just lean on him to prevent a tag. And then Jumbo absolutely ENDS HIS LIFE with the craziest Jumbo Lariat ever, flipping him ass-over-teakettle and he flops across the ring, head lolling like a corpse flung from a car wreck. haha what a sell. Misawa saves him from a pin, starting up a “Ki-ku-chi!” chant, and Taue does a funny bit where Kikuchi keeps rolling away from elbowdrops… until he makes the tag! Misawa flings himself at Taue repeatedly, but knocks him to the elder corner where Jumbo comes in and it’s another LEADER FIGHT, but this time Misawa is able to absorb some shots and fires back with speedy counter-elbows, Jumbo doing his amazing sell where he’s wide-legged and staggering around because he “got caught”.

Misawa takes to the air to keep on him (dig Fuchi screaming Misawa’s position from the apron, warning Jumbo- A+ corner-man energy), but Misawa nails a flying elbow and then blasts both Taue & Fuchi off the apron in succession. Then his boys dropkick Jumbo down, then do the same to his partners, and Misawa just MOUNTS JUMBO and peppers him with elbows, then right hands when Jumbo fights back from beneath. All decorum out the window- now he’s just punching him in the head. Misawa & Kawada alternate sentons, just letting all their aggression out, but they make the mistake of tagging in Kikuchi, who resorts to basic early-match legwork and Jumbo just sits up and is like “you fucking serious, kid?” and starts no-selling him. Poor Kikuchi gets his ass absolutely handed to him, going face-first off an elbow and eating a big boot. He’s able to trip up Fuchi, and we soon have Jumbo/Misawa again, Misawa dodging a knee but running into a boot! Another Jumbo Pose! And now to pay Misawa back, he mounts the upstart and just starts laying fists into him, sending Kikuchi windmilling into his back- Jumbo Knee gets two. Fuchi lays in a beating, but gets countered and now it’s Kawada/Taue again, Kawada laying in brutal kicks until Taue uses a SUMO RUSH to push him back, then hits a DDT. Backdrop suplex sets up Misawa’s frog splash for two- Jumbo gets decked and all three guys tee off on Taue to finish him, but he kicks out of a fisherman’s suplex. Kikuchi gets rocket launched onto Taue for two- Jumbo saves! This sends everyone fighting, and the fans go nuts because they know this is the end- Kikuchi fires off a backslide for two, but charges into a powerslam for a heart-stopping nearfall. But that’s the ballgame- Taue hits an Atomic Drop to Backdrop Suplex and pins Kikuchi at (22:48)- isolating the weakest guy proves the key to victory.

Really fun TV match with a whole lot left in the tank, leaving you wanting more- the leaders getting into a huge slugfest was the highlight, with a lot of little things showing how heated their feud was becoming- MISAWA mounting someone and punching the shit out of them basically happens never, and here he is resorting to anything that works. Both guys are just so competitive with each other it leads to all this ugliness and uncharacteristic hate from the usually stoic Misawa. Kikuchi was Match MVP in a way, as everything done to him looked AMAZING, and part of that was him flinging himself into pretzels every time a bigger guy hit him. He was “lesser” than everyone else, making him an easy target, and this was illustrated perfectly by things like him selling overhands like they were driving him through the mat, twisting his body off of strikes, and then doing Video Game Ragdoll Physics off a Jumbo Lariat, making that the spot of the match. The All Japan “Isolate the Weakling” match structure makes tag matches so harrowing, because you know it can end at any point those guys are in there, and it creates excellent drama with all the nearfalls. And Kikuchi nearly pinning Taue is good to give you that false hope that he’ll win in spite of it. A lot of good “little things” like Fuchi being an asshole or a good “team guy” with tactical stuff, Taue resorting to sumo training every time he’s pressed, Kawada throwing kicks at him every time he accidentally walked too close to the corner, the leaders slugging away at each other, and more. Jumbo’s perfect timing with huge kicks and taunts was great, too. And yet this was clearly everyone going at “Main Event Effort” only OCCASIONALLY- Kawada in particular felt very “saving it for later” and we got only tantalizing bits of the big showdowns. A great first part to the series.

Rating: ***1/2 (what happens when some of the best in the world do a “Good TV Match”- it ends up better than almost anyone else’s TV matches)

Remember when Viscera was doing a sexual deviant gimmick and pantomimed sodomizing his victims? Well if not, here’s a lovely image to remind you!

VISCERA (w/ Val Venis) vs. TYSON TOMKO (w/ Snitsky):
(WWE Heat, Feb. 24th 2006)
* haha, holy buckets! Viscera was still called that in *2006*! And here he is against classic “Johnny Ace Era” guy Tyson Tomko (wasn’t it Travis?… oh that’s his real name)! This era had so many guys with his exact height and physique they all kinda blended together. At least this one has mega-D-Bag tats and a bald head. Viscera is still in his “World’s Largest Love Machine” sexual deviant gimmick, wearing giant purple PJs. Tomko’s coming down with Snitsky, both guys being roid-monsters in black trunks coming down to butt-rock quasi-metal with growling added, which is the most “2006 WWE” thing imaginable.

We start with the mandatory punches, but Tomko gets a whip reversed and is nearly splashed, rolling out of the way (the “OHHHHHHHH!” from the fans sounds suspiciously loud for a Heat match. COULD THEY BE USING CANNED REACTIONS?). An unusual DDT (Vis on his knees), and Tomko throws knees and a chinlock, but Viscera casually gets up and tosses him into a Samoan drop. Classic WWE “Bump & Feed” style sees him pop up and charge into a clothesline, then a Boss Man Slam, which poor Tomko has to sell for ages so Viscera can set up “Vis-agra” (the move where he climbs onto a guy and thrusts into him, and yes that was a regular move). Thankfully Snitsky pulls his foot and Tomko takes out a knee, but then grabs a chair, the distraction causing Tomko to turn around right into the Sex Drive (double-choke bomb) for the pin at (1:52). hahahaaha holy jesus he jobbed to Viscera in TWO MINUTES? This dude was definitely on the way out. The heels have a staredown after the match, Snitsky insisting Tomko not leave… then gets out and leaves instead, shaking his head. uh-oh- dissention in the Jobber Corps.!

This was the most “Heat-verse” match ever- a bunch of dudes about to be fired, and Val Venis, long since exiled to this show as a “good hand” to work with new guys, thrown into the mix. The match was almost literally nothing- just Tomko doing some stuff, doing the Bump & Feed (I haven’t seen post-2000 WWE in so long I’d kind of forgotten how much it stands out compared to literally any other style- the ENTIRE THING is just heels yeeting themselves into the arms of babyfaces), then getting pinned because he was looking the other way and Viscera is just too stealthy and catlike. Tomko had an unimpressive run in the business overall- his enforcer gimmick was okay, but he left the company a couple months after this match, then spent two years in New Japan (as Albert’s “Big Gaijin” tag buddy) and TNA, then did another TNA run, then farted around the indies for years. His Wikipedia page says he left WWE on “good terms” but obviously they never saw anything in him cuz he never returned. Thankfully he’s still alive, though! I read too many of these bios and go “Oh right, that guy died”. Speaking of, Viscera mostly looked forgettable but inoffensive.

Rating: 1/2* (barely above a squash- Tomko didn’t even really DO anything!)

DEUCE ‘N DOMINO vs. JESSE & FESTUS:
(WWE SmackDown!, 2008)
* More “Classic WWE”- unimportant, forgotten tag teams who were promptly split up by Senile Old Vince. Deuce is Jimmy Snuka’s kid, and Domino is a guy who spent the rest of his career on the indies. Festus is the gigantic Luke Gallows, who for a chunk of time was the single worst wrestler on AEW TV and is best known for his run under that name- here he & Jesse are hillbillies. Jesse is of course… wait, this is Terry Gordy Jr.? Haha I had quit watching WWE by this time so I had no idea. Festus is MASSIVELY flabby and fat, here, looking every bit the inbred disgusting hillbilly. Actually it’s an awesome wrestling look! Jesse looks like a totally generic dude, and out of place with a super-garish colorful bodysuit- this actually looks like how Ladies Legend Pro Wrestling decked out its wrestlers- covering the whole torso with a garish multicolored thing and leaving only arms and legs bare. Deuce ‘n Domino almost HAVE to be a Vince idea- two guys dressed as 1950s greasers coming down to 1950s “Woo-oooh” music, fifty years after that era. Commentary is Michael Cole & Mick Foley.

Jesse starts off with Deuce, dropkicking his knee out and doing a senton- it’s really clear just how small Terry Jr. is compared to the WWE dudes of this era. Jesse hits a Thesz press but takes a shot at Domino, turning around into a “thigh-slap” heel kick. Funnily enough that busts Jesse open hardway and he gets worked over. He puts his knees up when Deuce slingshots onto him while Mick claims they want to go into a DeLorean “back to 2006 when they used to win matches”, and Festus gets the hot tag! Domino gets launched face-first off the top rope, then hit with a lariat & body attack in the corner. He swats Deuce off the apron and hits a Rock-style “open-hand swat” uppercut to Domino, then finishes with a Running Teabag at (3:56), stacking him for the pin. Deuce ‘n Domino break hearts around the world by getting into a FISTFIGHT after the match, Deuce upset over losing and grabbing Domino, who slugs him- they fling themselves into the ropes and spread out, Domino shouting “Don’t you EVER!”. Man, he’s got a huge mouth for his head.

Most everyone here seemed fine- Festus has a pretty good “hillbilly” style, just flinging his own body at his opponents like an insane pig-man. I was surprised Domino did so much, thinking he was the worse one of the two, but I double-checked and it was indeed Sim “Deuce” Snuka who apparently sucked, according to Paul London anyways. Foley was actually really annoying on commentary, jumping over Cole with Back to the Future references.

Rating: *1/2 (filler WWE tag match- only 4 minutes and kept pretty simple. Hard to screw up by hard to impress with this style)

DEUCE ‘N DOMINO vs. JESSE & FESTUS:
(WWE SmackDown!, 2008)
* Deuce & Domino argue on their way to the ring, and apparently brawled after a loss to Jesse & Festus last week.

The bell rings, and drooling Festus suddenly springs to life like a maniac, avalanching Domino and sending both guys scurrying. Deuce ‘n Domino IMMEDIATELY start brawling with each other on the floor- Domino rips up Deuce’s shirt, but goes into the commentary table and gets rolled into the ring, where Festus hits him with the sack of shit slam, a big punch, and the leaping teabag. Spinning Fireman’s Carry Slam and we’re done at (1:41). Deuce, angered, stalks Domino and hits a running knee to the face to end their team for good. Mick flat-out says “With that kick, the team of Deuce ‘n’ Domino have jumped the shark”- fitting reference with all his Happy Days talk to this one.

Rating: 1/2* (generic brawl on the floor into tossing a guy in for four moves from the big guy and we’re done)