Dream Matches — page 4

WWF SUPERTAPE, Vol. 2:
* Hey everyone! I found a new tape to look up! With the Rockers! Akeem vs. Hercules! “Macho King” Randy Savage defends his crown against the former king “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan! The Rockers vs. The Powers of Pain, and then Greg Valentine & Dino Bravo! Bret Hart vs. Rick Martel! Demolition vs. The Orient Express! Akeem vs. Hercules! Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake vs. Mr. Perfect & The Genius! And Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Ravishing Rick Rude in a Steel Cage match! And HOLY SHIT the risks Rude takes in this one!

Sean Mooney narrates this tape, with the theme WAY too loud while he’s still talking. He proclaims that the cage match “ranks as one of the greatest moments in the WWF… and is not for the faint of heart”. Uh, okay. A booming voice repeats “SUPERTAPE!” in a recurring unfunny gag.

KING OF THE WWF MATCH:
“MACHO KING” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Sensational Queen Sherri) vs. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN:
* The Macho King, appearing during his post-Hogan era having taken Duggan’s crown, actually defends it here. Duggan is already in the ring by the time the tape starts. Savage comes out with gold regalia over his “all the neon colors” long tights, causing Duggan to do the “this ain’t NOTHING!” hand-sweep- I always love the four jobbers forced to carry him down and place the throne over the ring apron and guardrail. Duggan is hilariously taken aback by Savage’s “point, then thumbs down” gesture, and responds by hitting the floor and whipping the whole throne over! Thank goodness Savage is a good bumper, because he expertly hits his feet and puts his arm on the apron to guide his landing.

What an absolute monster, haha- jesus christ.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a real treat, as someone has uploaded a video of SKINNY ANDRE- “Monster Rouimoff” in *1972* taking on Strong Kobayashi in an IWE Series Match! Just spectacular to see a guy Andre’s size doing a traditional NWA-style match while also throwing in tons of Coward Heel spots like a good gaijin menace, putting over his brave, noble Japanese opponent. It’s wild seeing just how athletic and quick he was at this point.

Then a tribute to the dear, departed legend SABU, as I was shown the weirdest possible match I haven’t yet covered- a 1993 FMW house show match against HAYSTACKS CALHOUN JR., an American indie worker who weighed 400+ lbs. And then it’s over to WCW, as they give poor Renegade the nastiest kiss-off ever as he faces Kevin Sullivan, who pins him handily and they ruin his gimmick and bury the shit out of him on national television! Yes, it’s the legendary “Now you’re just PLAIN OLD RICK!” match. Then it’s over to a terrible East Coast indie for a sad look at “The New Demolition”, as Ax teams up with BLAST (a fat nobody) against Mr. X and The Kodiak Bear, doing the most stalling EVER yet also impressing me with his indie goofball selling! Finally, WWF Prime Time gives us the other member of Demolition, REPO MAN taking on the recently-debuted Max Moon!

MONSTER ROUSIMOFF vs. STRONG KOBAYASHI:
(IWE World Series Finals, Japan, 5/6 1972)
* Oh yeah I absolutely HAD to touch on this one- YOUNG SKINNY ANDRE THE GIANT vs. Strong Kobayashi from 1972 Japan! Andre was only 26 years old here and looks it, with a body more similar to how Ernie Ladd looked- long and lean. He’s a bit soft in the tummy but nowhere CLOSE to as monstrous as he later became, but he still has that giant head and those enormous hands. Kobayashi is legit- I’ve seen a great match against Don Leo Jonathan that’s my favorite pre-1970 match so far (****). Andre, now “Monster Rousimoff”, is in black trunks while Kobayashi is in red, with those sideburns I see on Inoki from his ’70s era. Andre is more than a head taller than his opponent (who is a big dude by Japanese standards), with his then-trademark short afro.

You know you’re watching a masterful production when you can get screencaps like this.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have something a little different for you- OUTLAW MUDSHOW BULLSHIT!! Roy Lucier just uploaded some POS Florida indie running a show in a union hall, and OH MY GOD it’s a spectacular trainwreck, and exactly why these promotions are hated. It has the most glorious mix of “just-trained” nobodies with no Cagematch profiles and people who actually went on to do something in the wrestling business- people like Marc Mero, Debbie Drake (Malenko), Sandy Beach, LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn and Horace Boulder fill out a card that includes a ton of embarrassing, business-exposing losers. And you simply have to see Sandy wrestle Eddie Rose- it I swear to God makes the “My Vag Hurts!” match look like a masterpiece.

But I couldn’t do a column of JUST this awful show, so to fill it out, here’s Mortis vs. Juventud Guerrera on WCW Saturday Night in 1998, as Chris Kanyon finally gets a guy small enough where he can try ALL his silly bullshit movez on and just hammers them all out. Then it’s more of DEMOLITIONMANIA here on Dream Matches, as they get their first-ever big contest taking on The Islanders in early 1987.

MORTIS (w/ James Vandenberg) vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(WCW Saturday Night, 01/03/1998)
* Another one of those fantastic “Only in WCW” matches, it’s Mortis in the midst of his go-nowhere midcard run taking on a high-level luchadore! His mission now is to prove he’s “the best masked wrestler in WCW” and go through all the luchadores. Did that ever go anywhere? Juventud was one of the top lucha guys in WCW, but still had his mask at this point and wasn’t quite as pushed.

There’s nothing in wrestling quite like angry middle-aged women in the front row flipping heels the bird.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have something inspired by a Scott Keith find from a couple months ago on the WWE Vault channel- the Road Warriors versus babyface STAN HANSEN & KING KONG BUNDY! At a big arena show in Georgia in 1984! Totally wild stuff!

Then it’s a look at more Demolition, as the team get another squash win in late 1987 that involves Billy Jerk Haynes & Ken Patera! Then it’s DETROIT DEMOLITION, as poor Randy Colley got dumped as a member of Demolition but got to keep the gimmick in the indies, wearing the same gear and facepaint as a filler midcard heel! Here he takes on Continental Tennessee Champion DOUG FURNAS in one match, then a 56-year old Rufus R. Jones in Puerto Rico in another, both in 1988! Finally, I suffer through two MORE Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman matches, this time while Steve is the Hardcore Champion and actually getting a bit of a push! While poor Gangrel ekes out the rest of his contrast with torn sleeves and his finisher being destroyed!

GEORGIA TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. STAN HANSEN & KING KONG BUNDY:
(Georgia Championship Wrestle, The Omni, Feb. 26th 1984)
* Dude, HOLY SHIT. This exists! So if you’re anything like me, you rightly have 200 tabs open at any given time, promising yourself that “I’ll get ot that one eventually”- this is just how a proper person conducts their business. And of course I eventually GET to some of them! Two months after the fact, I opened an unread BOD tab and there it was- a Scott Keith review that contained this very match! The WWE Vault YouTube channel posted the heel Road Warriors up against Hansen & Bundy of all people from 1984! And both of the latter were BABYFACES, no less! This is from a big arena show, but with no commentary and a single stationary cam.

More of Demolition & the WWF trying to figure it out with their facepaint. It’s changing every appearance, probably on purpose, but eventually they settle on a look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First off, it’s the most “1997 WCW” match possible, as Bobby Eaton, now a washed up star from the ’80s working third-tier shows, facing LA PARKA, one of the “second tier” of WCW’s luchadores! Then I check out more of DEMOLITION as they continue to work over their gimmick- Barry Darsow joins as the new Smash and suddenly they immediately figure it out in the ring, doing tons of clubbing blows. This features both a squash over the Pre-Young Stallions (Paul Roma & Jim Powers) in April 1987, then a match in October against Brady Boone & Scott Casey with an AMAZING post-match angle!

After that, it’s a request as Uncle Elmer of the WWF “Hillbilly” faction takes on BIGFOOT, aka journeyman loser Rip Morgan! Then a batch of matches by request, as it turns out that two of WWF’s “filler midcarders” had a TON of bouts in the Attitude Era: Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman! Two straight matches!

PS you have no idea how annoyed I am that WWE’s top angle is now John Cena vs. Randy Orton and I did their first match against each other in LAST WEEK’s column, haha.

LA PARKA vs. BOBBY EATON:
(WCW Saturday Night, Nov. 15th 1997)
* Now THIS is the WCW I know and love! A washed-up former great Southern wrestler who peaked in the 1980s as a tag guy doing a singles match with a crazy chair-wielding luchadore. Mulletted Eaton is a babyface slapping hands with the fans and wearing long black tights with stars on them.

Just AWFUL, haha. 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have even more “Guys Workshopping Their Gimmicks” stuff, as DEMOLITION makes their WWF debut and it’s the only two televised matches featuring RANDY COLLEY as Smash! This apparently never worked out, as fans recognized him as a Moondog (ie. a JTTS) and he was swapped out for new hire Barry Darsow, and that was that. Here they take on what I think are higher-end jobbers Jerry Allen & Sivi Afi.

Keeping up with that theme, let’s check out some Ohio Valley Wrestling!! WWF’s Developmental Promotion has a bunch of future main eventers in it- the Tag Champions Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin go up against the heels from last week’s column, Smooth Johnny Spade & Sly Scraper (Sylvester Terkay as a Bruiser Brody knockoff)! Then it’s the first ever JOHN CENA/RANDY ORTON match, as Orton takes on “The Prototype” in two separate matches! More of Danny Doring & Roadkill, as ECW’s rising midcarders try to take the ECW Tag Team Titles from the FBI (Guido & Mamaluke) in Mississauga, Ontario! Then one last Bilvis Wesley match as he takes on Steve Corino in the dying days of ECW!

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Johnny V) vs. SALVATORE BELLOMO & MARIO MANCINI:
(WWF Superstars, 1/17/87)
* Yes, someone uploaded the only two televised matches of MOONDOG REX “Smash”, back when the Demos were managed by Johnny V and had mostly black facepaint. Really hideous crap, too- it’s just sludgly black paint with tiny bits of other colors. Ax has YELLOW PAINT over one side of his mouth and Smash has a yellow forehead with blue hair. The story I always heard is that Rex (Randy Colley) was too recognizable as an ex-JTTS loser, and so got dropped. The Jobbers look HILARIOUS- Bellomo has a goofy red striped singlet on and a really broad torso while Mancini is just flabby and in red trunks.

Ax, nowhere near as roided as he’d later become, hammers the shit out of Bellomo and slams him, bringing in Smash for some right hands. Back to Ax, who bounces Bellomo around (great “stiff-body” bumps by Bellomo, looking helpless) but lets him tag out. Mancini fares no better, Smash skooshing his face into the mat repeatedly. We get an overdub by Finkel to hype things AND a Johnny V inset interview as it’s just an aimless brawl, but Mancini gets dumped so Ax can slam him on the floor. Smash with a double-axehandle and they debut Demolition Decaptiation to win at (3:46).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, my looking at Rikishi Phatu’s early WWF career leads to a Metal match against the British Bulldog of all people, during that short bit of crossover where the two were up north at the same time! Actually they probably shared space a lot given the Headshrinkers & Sultan’s runs, but I can’t remember lots of matches they had. Then it’s time for some WORLD OF SPORT, as I review Johnny Saint vs. Rollerball Rocco from the UK in the 1980s!

Next up, it’s a look at Shelton Benjamin in Ohio Valley Wrestling as he takes on Smooth Johnny Spade, an indie lifer meant to carry the rookie through a quick TV match! Then I check out more of the Dying Days of ECW with its most bottom-feeder gimmicks: Bilvis Wesley and Chilly Willy! In particular, Bilvis teams up with Tom Marquez against the rising babyface duo of Danny “spending more time naming my mid-match moves than learning how to get over” Doring and Roadkill! Then Chilly Willy makes a Southern indie taking on the promotion’s top heel, Tracy Smothers!

RIKISHI PHATU (w/ Too Cool) vs. “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY-BOY SMITH (w/ The Mean Street Posse):
(WWF Metal, Dec. 18th 1999)
* So it’s one more Rikishi match! Well maybe. I was gonna see how much interesting stuff there was, but once he hits his formula all his matches are pretty much the same, haha. This one’s interesting because his opponent is the BULLDOG- a very brief period between him quitting WCW and rejoining the WWF as a midcarder (Bret Hart was predictably kind-hearted and understanding about this turn of events). Bulldog’s wearing BLUE JEANS and coming out to the sound of dogs barking and “ugh, Jim Johnston was tired that day, alright?” butt-rock. This being two midcarders on Metal with five dudes hanging around ringside, I’m imagining Fuck Finish.

HHH backing up in shock after Rikishi gets up despite being smashed with a weapon. See, that’s how ya do it.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a very special case- a match where I give COMPLIMENTS to Triple H! Because my reviews last week of Rikishi’s debut matches upon his return led to people discussing his rapid-fire push and a very good HHH match on SmackDown!, and since I was already reviewing the next batch of Rikishi squashes, I figured I’d throw them all together and show those squashes leading to the HHH bout, comparing and contrasting the stylistic differences as Rikishi “figures it out” and starts to get over! So we start with Rikishi versus Tracy Smothers (Southern perma-midcarder and “good hand”) and then Joey Abs, putting him together with Too Cool, and then he gets a big January 2000 match against Triple H himself for the World Title! And HHH makes someone look like a star!

After that, a very “WCW” kind of match, as one of the best Cruiserweight workers on Earth gets crushed by do-nothing bottomfeeder Hugh Morrus on WCW Saturday Night in 1997! And finally, I at last get to the “Dying Days of ECW” guys, with the Dream Matches debut of BILVIS WESLEY, one of the all-time bad worked names, as a late-stage ECW performer I forgot existed until a BOD review on the end times of ECW on TNN reminded me about him! Here he takes on ECW workhorse Jerry Lynn! And then it’s his compatriots in that era, as Chilly Willy wrestles Chris Hamrick on ECW Hardcore TV!

RIKISHI FATU vs. TRACY SMOTHERS:
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, Nov. 21st 1999)
* Well I’ll be dipped! TRACY SMOTHERS did time as a jobber in late ’90s WWF! I thought Freddie Joe Floyd was his only run! Rikishi’s name is actually spelled “Rakishi Fatu” on the chyron, while Tracy gets the jobber entrance. Rikishi’s dropped the weird suspender-top thingie, and now has his hair in the ponytail it’d be in for the rest of his run/career.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today might have the most disparate stuff in a WHILE, as I find a match by Great Kokina (Yokozuna) all the way back in 1988 when he’s green as grass, taking on the even FATTER Otto Wanz in Germany’s CWA promotion! Come see what the veteran can do with the super-limited rookie in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!

Speaking of obesity, I also wanted to check out the debut of Rikishi Fatu in the WWF, as Fatu comes back with a new push and added bulk, using All The Fat Guy Moves in some impressive squashes, first against Julio Fantastico (the future Julio Dinero) and Crash Holly on back to back Shotgun Saturday Nights! Turns out I did remember right- he was hitting the Banzai Drop AND the Earthquake Vertical Splash in his early stuff! Then a request, as I find a pair of Eddie Guerrero vs. “Gentleman” Chris Adams matches from WCW Saturday Night shows in 1997 and 1999! Finally, it’s more All Japan, as we see Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Toshiaki Kawada in a big showcase of Kawada’s chances in 1991 against the true Ace of the promotion!

CWA TITLE:
OTTO WANZ vs. GREAT KOKINA:
(CWA, Nov. 17th 1988)
* Oh, now this is just crazy- OTTO WANZ vs. Yokozuna (Kokina) in 1988! Otto Wanz is, of course, the guy in charge of CWA, the European territory where people just call it “Otto Wanz’s Territory” without explaining who Otto Wanz is, so I only know him as “the guy who has a territory in Germany” (apparently Austria mostly, haha). CWA also calls this a World Title, which… fair enough? Guys come from all over the place to fight for it in these weird round-based matches. Everyone’s music is hilariously dull and silly, and Wanz looks NOTHING like I imagined- I was predicting a middle-weight unfun German guy with a good amateur-style physique and a plain blue singlet, and instead I get a corpulent fatty in a garish pastel blue and pink striped singlet. This man is FATTER THAN KOKINA! Which makes this my favorite ever type of match… a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! After last week’s WWF tape, I figured I’d go for more disparate weird things, from outliers to requests to spectacularly awful indie garbage (see the above pic)! First off, it’s Yokozuna back when he was an up & comer in 1989 AWA, as “Kokina Maximus” takes on job guy rookie and future ECW & TNA star Jerry Lynn! Then it’s over to NOAH in Japan for a bizarre one, as Claudio Castagnoli and indie long-timer Chris Hero team up to take on one of the four pillars, Akira Taue, alongside Jun Izumida in a comedy match!

Then a request, as the most “2001 WWE D-Show” match possible has Crash Holly teaming up with Too Cool against Raven, Perry Saturn & Tazz on WWF Jakked! Then it’s some of the worst indie crap you’ve ever seen, as Bobby Bold Eagle, a 60-year old white guy dressed in warpaint doing an “Indian” gimmick takes on an Abdullah the Butcher knockoff in 1984 WWA! BUT FIRST…

I will never forget this one. So the time is 1999. My dad was helping out a young coworker move into a new house and lay sod in the back yard, and recruited me for it as well. This was a RAW night, so I was of course taping it. But we were finished sometime after RAW started and we went back into the house for food or what have you as the guy’s wife was watching TV. And of course I was like “hey, how about RAW?”. Being seventeen years old, I couldn’t WAIT to show these 20-something newlyweds how cool wrestling had become, how “adult” and edgy it was now! No longer was it the childish, goofy thing of the past- ADULTS could watch it and feel no shame! I was so proud of how I would spread my interest to others and showcase what I loved about wrestling so much.

So we flip channels, set it to RAW mid-show, and what’s the first thing we see?… the in-ring debut… of BEAVER FUCKING CLEAVAGE.

HARRY “BEAVER” CLEAVAGE (w/ Mrs. Cleavage) vs. CHRISTIAN:
(WWF RAW, May 31st 1999)
* So yes, this is WWF Headbanger Mosh repackaged as “Beaver Cleavage”, who appeared in goofy vignettes focused around his mother’s cleavage. His mother was of course a woman around the same age as Beaver, who nonetheless acted like a child. So “The Beav” comes out dressed in kiddie shorts and a suit & tie, plus a propeller beanie, arm in arm with “his mother”, wearing a dress with a short skirt and open cleavage. Of course the entrance is filmed in black & white- gotta keep to the gimmick! And… fuck me, his name was actually Harry Beaver?

“I love beavers!’ cries Jerry Lawler as I try to explain to these people whose home I’ve just defiled that “oh haha, they’re just doing a silly thing where he pretends to act like Beaver Cleaver!” like this is clever, and the guy’s wife was like “haha, her name is Cleavage and she’s showing cleavage…” in a manner that was in no way an uncomfortable attempt to humor me. I have no recollection of the rest of the evening and this has never been mentioned again. I can only assume that my soul left my body permanently, and I would desperately like to say I never tried to push my wrestling fandom on anyone ever again, especially not my college friend Ben on the very episode where Vince McMahon debuted the “Kiss My Ass Club” and showed his pearly-white ass cheeks on TV as William Regal kissed them.

Babyface vs. Babyface matches in the WWF are super-rare and always interesting. Especially when one team always shows a willingness to cheat.

WWF WRESTLEFEST ’91:
* AMAZING. The WWE Vault has been uploading all sorts of old Coliseum Videos. These were great fun to rent as a kid- in an era where every syndicated show was jobber squashes and ending with Owen Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigelow as your only star match, these were actually kind of a great sight. Of course, in retrospect it’s all fuck finishes and guys mostly dogging it in matches, but it provides TONS of rarities. Like this one- The Ultimate Warrior vs. Earthquake! The Mountie vs. The Big Boss Man! The Rockers vs. Power & Glory! Ted DiBiase vs. The Texas Tornado! Koko B. Ware vs. The Warlord! British Bulldog vs. Haku! Marty Jannetty vs. Pat Tanaka! Rick “The Model” Martel vs. a BABYFACE Greg “The Hammer” Valentine! And a huge dream match- The Legion of Doom vs. The Hart Foundation! Babyface vs. Babyface! Good thing Bret doesn’t have a history of wrestling like a total asshole every time his opponent is another babyface!

Our host is “Macho Man” Randy Savage, “Man of Leisure”, resting by his pool and having a nightmare about the Ultimate Warrior defeating him at WrestleMania VII. Newly retired, Savage would be a commentator/host for a while until Warrior quit, requiring him to get into a feud with Jake Roberts that is well-remembered today but was a total box office bust. Our commentary team for this is Lord Alfred Hayes with Sean Mooney, which is an odd “C-Team” duo, as we’ll see.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. EARTHQUAKE (w/ Jimmy Hart):
* Probably the tape’s main event leads us off, with a 27-year old Tenta looking positively ancient in a pre-match green-screen interview where he references their history (a push-up contest from I think late 1989). Warrior’s in orange, and Quake is in his later gear (much more elaborate and dignified than his baby blue unitard).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have another treat- more RUSS DAVIS commentating 1950s wrestling, as Gorgeous George takes on surly Hans Schnabel in Chicago way back in 1950! Come see George be the first wrestler to have his own entrance music and do much of his “cheating heel” act in a carry-job! Then it’s over to Mexico as my search for more awful Giant Warrior performances sees him team up with YOKOZUNA (in his run as “Kokina”) and Canek against the lucha trio of Dos Caras, Tieneblas & Tieneblas Jr.! And I finalize the obsession with this shitty 7-footer by sharing ANOTHER match- one from Texas against Brian “Spanky” Kendrick! In Shawn Michaels’s indie promotion! Where Giant Warrior is now acting as Tiger Steele and is now a DIESEL rip-off! Then I found one more Eric Angle match as he takes on Johnny Spade in his OVW return from 14 months off for arm surgeries!

GORGEOUS GEORGE vs. HANS SCHNABEL:
(Chicago Amphitheatre, 11/03/1950)
* Yes, it’s time for more Russ Davis commentary in the Chicago Amphitheatre! My happy place! This is of course featuring one of the most influential wrestlers in history (if not #1 with a bullet), the Human Orchid- Gorgeous George! George is immediately my hero by huffily waving an ostrich-feather fan at the fans (“One of the— OH NO, Ostrich fea– well SHADES OF SALLY RAND! Puh-lease! Ostrich feathers, no less!”- Davis). “Say, aren’t we done up beautifully! Now George, don’t be sensitive because the customers are hooting and yelling!”. George, notably, is coming down to “Pomp and Circumstance”, I believe having invented the notion of a wrestler having his own theme song. Davis is beside himself, cracking up at “Yes, the robe is PINK”. George looks disagreeably at his nonplussed opponent, bows to the crowd, then tosses his “Georgie Pins” to them (kids are seen excitedly going for them). Davis calls out George’s tight curls, arranged in a little “halo” around his head, and emphasizes that George would not agree to wrestle until Schnabel swore he would let the hair be. The fans boo over the announcer introducing the Human Orchid. George of course makes a big fuss when the ref checks them over, insisting on getting a look at Schnabel, then acting aggrieved when the referee (Novak, who Davis points out “drives a taxicab” during the other eight hours he works- “And so he’s not known as a gentle person, either”). “Oh hello, a bustle if you PLEASE!” cries Davis as more of George’s regalia is uncovered- he’d assumed this was all a one-piece gown. haah Novak puts his hands on both guy’s shoulders during instructions and George just has this >:-[ look at him when he realizes it, causing Novak to pull his hand away, rolling his eyes in frustration. George also expresses annoyance at the whistles and hooting as he finally disrobes after 2 minutes of wasting time.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have ANOTHER Butch Masters/Giant Warrior match, as the 7′ scrub shows up again in 1990 All Japan teaming with Skywalker Nitron (Tyler “Sabretooth” Mane)… and their opponents are two of the Four Pillars, Misawa & Kawada! But it’s a fancam and 2-4 years before their peak as workers! Come see what to GOAT-tier talent do to wrestle two absolute scrubs who are too big to throw around!

Next up, it’s a Sunday Night Heat request, as Val Venis in his “Jobber Era” gets his first-ever match against RIC FLAIR! Then I find a random Midnight Express tag team match from 1986 as Loverboy Dennis and Beautiful Bobby face the Kansas Jayhawks- Dutch Mantel & Bobby Jaggers! Then it’s over to WCW Worldwide as eras collide- WCCW’s 1980s talent “Gentleman” Chris Adams gets a match against beanpole Ultimo Dragon trainee TOKYO MAGNUM! Finally, it’s a rare OVW appearance by ERIC ANGLE, Kurt’s brother, as he takes on the promotion’s pseudo-top star, Doug Basham!

MITSUHARU MISAWA & TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. THE LAND OF GIANTS (Butch Masters & Skywalker Nitron):
(All Japan Fancam, 1990)
* You have no idea how happy I was to find this match- there are few things more interesting than watching GOAT-tier talent deal with total incompetents in the ring. Like… can they make a good match out of it? How will they attempt to? Will the big guys flummox their every attempt at getting this past **? Or is this a mid-tier tour show where they’re not gonna try very hard? You see a LOT of those, even in All Japan. And… oh, it’s actually just a fancam show so yeah- expecting effort is a fool’s errand haha. Another wrinkle- this is 1990, 3-4 years before the real Four Kings of All Japan really formed. Are Misawa & Kawada quite as good at this point? So the Land of Giants are impossibly bad giant wrestlers- Tyler Mane from the X-Men movie and Butch, who was seen last week as “Giant Warrior”, and is EVEN WORSE). They’re in matching red tights and come down to Dungeon of Doom/Giant Gonzalez-esque music. The crowd appears awed by their size at first but quickly boos seeing these total scrubs do generic roars and poses.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I start off with a request: It’s Jamal, late of Three Minute Warning and pre-Umaga, in 2004 All Japan wrestling Toshiaki Kawada for the Triple Crown! Come see what a 41-year old Kawada can do with a midcard tag team wrestler getting his biggest push to date!

Next up, it’s a bizarre Puerto Rican match, as WWF’s Demolition (Smash & Crush) head to town to face top babyface TNT (Savio Vega ripping off Great Muta) and Giant Warrior- a god-awful Caucasian giant who stood out as bad on a team with Tyler Mane on it (as the “Land of Giants” in All Japan)! Then finally it’s a pair of interesting matches from the same 1997 edition of WCW Saturday Night, as first the Texas Hangmen (Disorderly Conduct’s old gimmick) face the rare nWo duo of Syxx & Konnan, and then Ric Flair & Curt Hennig team up against Mortis & Wrath!

ALL JAPAN TRIPLE CROWN:
TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. JAMAL:
(All Japan, 06/12/2004)
* This comes recommended for my column! I forget by who! Umaga, who had kinda started out in FMW in Japan in the late ’90s, comes to All Japan, dressed more like he was as Jamal in Three Minute Warning (ie. no facepaint)… oh, he’s called “Umaga” on the video but here he’s clearly called Jamal. And to show how F’d up my personal timeline is, I’d had this written down as “newly fired from WWE”, thinking it was post-Umaga, when he hasn’t even STARTED being called “Umaga” yet- this is actually between WWE runs, as he spent a couple of years away before returning as the Samoan Bulldozer. So at this point he’s just “One half of Three Minute Warning” in terms of credibility. We get several clips of him allied with Taka Michinoku’s stable of heels and powerbombing guys like crazy. Light reactions for both guys- I swear the ref gets more of one. Jamal is MUCH more physically large than Kawada, being a bit taller but a LOT more stout. He’s wearing some tape over most of his right arm, covering a NASTY bicep bruise.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah have I got the goods for you today! Riki Choshu vs. TOM MAGEE! The hapless newbie idiot who went through WWF, impressed Vince to the point of being his next big find, then immediately being exposed as a useless kid who had to be carried! And he’s in All Japan wrestling a guy who speaks a different language and does a different style! In a weirdo match with rounds in it!

Then it’s an even weirder match as indie dorks Nick Gage and Jimmy Lloyd take on the 58-year old FACES OF FEAR, Meng and the Barbarian! Come see a match that’s both awkward AND lazily wrestled! Then a massive treat, as I’ve finally found footage of DOUBLE TROUBLE in the WWF! Yes, Val & Tony Puccio, formerly “The Undertakers”, as a pair of house show JTTS guys, as they take on the Headshrinkers for the WWF Tag Team Titles in a house show fancam video from 1994! And finally, I find two matches to fit my exceedingly-expensive column header- it’s Dream Matches legend JIM POWERS in a pair of Prime Time matches against Bob Bradley! Yes, the two Jobber Gods wrestle! And have to fill several minutes of time! Guess how guys who usually eat offense end up filling their matches when they have to GIVE it?

MARTIAL ARTS MATCH:
10 FIVE MINUTE ROUNDS:
RIKI CHOSHU vs. TOM MAGEE:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Jan. 14th 1986)
* Oh, BEAUTIFUL. I had no idea this ever existed. Apparently Tom Magee, legendary failure, made his way around a few places. Obviously a guy with a 10/10 physique and the ability to do CRAZY FLIPZ was gonna be given a look by any promoter with a brain, which makes the traegedy of his suckiness all the more profound. Like you gotta put this guy in the ring and see what he has, you know? Here, he immediately impersses by doing an inward flip off the top rope, landing on his feet, then doing a second one on the cue from his Japanese second. Sadly, he still looks like a total dork-ass, breathing through his mouth on the way to the ring like a total nerd- the perm and big pointy nose (shaped like a perfect triangle, like Lois Griffin’s) aren’t helping- he basically looks like Roided Screech. Choshu, with his floppy ’80s hair and iconic tiny lil’ white boots, looks much more serious and less dorky.

Ultimate Warrior, master of chain wrestling, doing rollups. Somehow I don’t think he’s calling this one.

WWF IN BOSTON GARDEN:
(March 5th 1988)
* Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I got ANOTHER Boston Garden show! And this one has an “unbelievable happening”, as Monsoon would say it. A Main Event of Macho Man Randy Savage and STRIKE FORCE vs. The Honky Tonk Man and the Hart Foundation! And more importantly, DINO BRAVO vs. DAVID SAMMARTINO! And holy shitballs, judging by these timestamps that could legit go 20 minutes! (alas, nope) We also have “The King” Harley Race vs. The Ultimate Warrior! The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. The Glamour Girls! The Rougeau Brothers vs. Demolition! Jack “The Snake” Roberts vs. “Outlaw” Ron Bass! Sam Houston vs. Dangerous Danny Davis! And we start with an main event in any arena in the country, S.D. Jones vs. Steve Lombardi!

And our hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes! I predict lots of in-jokes and low-key burials!

S.D. JONES vs. STEVE LOMBARDI:
* Oh come on with this shit, haha. I know they love to put the most bottom-tier trash imaginable on these shows, but the two Final Boss Jobbers together? Lombardi’s in black trunks and SD Jones, with a MASSIVE steroid gut, is in red. Always funny how even the jobbers here are way on the gas to the point where their stances are all funny.

They exchange ultra-basics to start, Lombardi being extra whiny while Monsoon & Hayes joke about “The Terry Garvin School of Self-Defense” and how they spotted Garvin in the back, “expressly to watch Lombardi”, who keeps charging into Jones and taking bumps while they point out this is a sign of his inexperience. Man, remember when Lombardi wasn’t an old hand? Hayes: “Lombardi has picked up one or two good victories recently” “He has? I must have missed those!” “*laughs*” “Was I away? Was I ill?” “Well I think it was on the *B* circuit”. Lombardi catches Jones after a leapfrog with a clothesline while Monsoon points out Jones “didn’t bother to break a sweat in the dressing room”. They bury his sloppy chinlock but Jones hoists him up using power. Lombardi uses heel tactics to control as Monsoon buries how he “wastes so much time after he DOES an effective move!” then suggests he met Brutus Beefcake for that haircut “I don’t imagine anyone would PAY for something like that!”. Lombardi does the “walk & stomp” and they both gouge the eyes and the crowd is dying, but SD’s invincible head cues his comeback of PLODDING FISTICUFFS. But after a slow-motion sunset flip exchange, Lombardi catches Jones with his head down an an inside cradle gets the win at (8:04). Jones bitches about the count, and rightly so- cartoonishly fast.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I found a very rare one from Memphis, as former AWA Champion Nick Bockwinkel comes to town, this time as a BABYFACE, up against the territory’s top heel “Macho Man” Randy Savage! In a pretty long TV match, too! Then it’s over to the WWF as the Undertaker faces his first major singles challenge in big Tugboat in the prelude to WrestleMania VII! Then it’s WCW time as the Faces of Fear take on jobber Michael Nova and GANGREL- it’s Dave Heath in a black singlet as a jobber shortly before his WWF debut! Check out how much he gets to do in this WCW Worldwide squash! Then it’s more WCW action as Juventud Guerrera takes on Villano IV… but under his real name as the maskless Ray Mendoza, Jr., because he worked twice on this taping! And finally, AT LAST I brave Pancrase! I mostly avoided the “Worked Shoot/Shoot Sometimes” feds because I have no idea what is real and what isn’t with them, but uhhhhh this one is pretty clear- it’s one of the biggest Pancrase matches ever as Bas Rutten defends the King of Pancrase Title against Masakatsu Funaki!

NICK BOCKWINKEL vs. “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Dutch Newman?):
(Memphis/CWA, 15.04.1985)
* Oh sweet Jesus! The Ace of the AWA wrestled SAVAGE? Epic. Nick is making a rare visit to Memphis- usually a heel, he’s now cheered against the far more evil Savage, then the territory’s top heel just before he heads to the WWF to make history. Man, promoters had to be salivating at the prospect of landing Savage. Nick’s in red trunks & Savage purple, already with the stars on them.

Not the headliner, but a great showcase of how Masa Fuchi puts some hilarious abuse on youngster Tsuyoshi Kikuchi in our final bout!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have another of Rey Mysterio’s famous ECW matches, as he takes on longtime nemesis Psicosis in late 1995! Watch these two more or less debut a whole new style to an American audience and leave NOTHING in the tank in a huge mass of moves and great heeling! Then it’s a fantastic “WTF?” match from ZERO-ONE as Shinya Hashimoto defends the NWA World Title (yes, that one) against NATHAN JONES! One of the legit WOAT wrestlers and Shinya… actually kind of carries him?! Come see! He does as good as maybe anyone ever!

Then it’s another in the massive series of Mitsuharu Misawa/Toshiaki Kawada/Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs. Jumbo Tsuruta/Akira Taue/Masanabu Fuchi matches! This one features Misawa lying on the floor all match due to a nose injury, so see how “abusing Kikuchi” can turn into an entire match! Then watch Juventud Guerrera and “Hardwork” Bobby Walker fight on WCW Pro and show you just how hard it can be to mesh two diametrically-different styles!

BEST OF THREE FALLS MATCH:
REY MISTERIO, JR. vs. PSICOSIS:
(ECW, 10/17/1995)
* More or Rey in ECW! This is from Oct. 1995, which is at the razor’s edge of lucha becoming known to American fans. Psicosis, in white gear, is

FIRST FALL: Immediately the two reveal their insanity as Rey backflips off the top rope, slides Psicosis to the floor, then planchas him over the guardrail so they crash upside-down into the front row, then does a TOPE over the top that does the same thing! A lightning-fast hurricanrana off a whip gets Rey the first fall at (1:20). Psicosis, importantly, sells this like he’s completely wiped out, flopping around and dazed.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I was searching for a lucha 6-man but instead found the WWE Vault had uploaded the legendary Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Juventud Guerrera match from ECW’s Big Ass Extreme Bash! This is extremely interesting, as the match became a sort of internet legend and a big of a “sacred cow”, but I’ve never seen it, so I really wanted to see how it holds up to a modern lens! Is it a true lucha masterpiece! Or were fans overly impressed with a standard-issue spotfest because we’d never seen the style before? Watch and see if it holds up!

Next up, it’s a USWA team someone told me about- Meat & Potatoes, THE FAT BOYS! They take on jobber team The Intruder and The Invader in a match that makes a hash of tag team rules and the idea that wrestlers need cardiovascular training. Then it’s the NO LIMIT SOLDIERS in WCW as B.A. (Brad Armstrong) teams up with Swoll to take on the First Family- Hugh Morrus and LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn! And boy does THIS match not take on the image I was expecting! Over to WWF as I finally find room for ANOTHER JIM POWERS MATCH! Here he takes on the Undertaker in his first six months as a wrestler- I like Jimmy’s chances! Finally, it’s 1997 WCW with a clean-faced, short-haired JERRY LYNN as a job guy up against the lowest luchadore on the roster, Ciclope!

BEST OF THREE FALLS MATCH:
REY MYSTERIO, JR. vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(ECW Big Ass Extreme Bash, March 1996)
* Hey look! I found a Rey/Juvi match! I was looking for a 6-man someone linked me once but forgot to wrote down, but this is neat! These matches (Rey wrestling Juvi & Psychosis twice a month for a while) more or less introduced lucha libre to American fans, immediately drawing the attention of WCW, who hired them all away. Which is what ACTUALLY introduced most of htem to Americans. Rey had entered ECW in late 1995 and only wrestled a couple of times a month, mostly with Psicosis, then did a few matches with Juventud the next year- this match pretty much got them all signed to WCW. Fittingly, they were all regular opponents in Mexico, making them great “playmates” to illustrate the style in other countries. This match ended up kind of becoming a legend, in part due to word of mouth and “I heard that…” and part from fans who actually SAW the match, and it was definitely a tape-traders dream. But I’ve never actually seen it, and have heard that retrospect is less kind! Both guys are in long red tights here, and both are masked.

And you think guys TODAY can draw heat.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a duo of matches from a Rowdy Roddy Piper/Bruno Sammartino feud that ran during the Winter of 1985-86 in the Boston market! They ran a dual feud in East Rutherford, New Jersey, too- probably juicing local houses with the old legend coming out to teach Piper what’s what. It followed to intense Piper’s Pit segments where Bruno got beaten down after threatening to bludgeon the top heel in the promotion. The singles match leads to a tag match the next month, with Paul Orndorff backing Bruno against Piper and his buddy Bob Orton.

Then it’s another in the great All Japan Trios Series, as it’s Jumbo Tsuruta, Masanabu Fuchi & Akira Taue against rising stars Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Where the name of the game is “Sucks to Be Taue”, as the poor lummox gets the absolute dogshit beaten out of him again and again, until Kawada finally provokes Jumbo one too many times and the old man gets enraged at him. And finally, a request as I take on a “WTF?” All Japan match from 2002, as the washed-up KroniK (yes, really) take on the washed-up Dr. Death Steve Williams & Mike Rotunda, Mike Barton & “Jungle” Jim Steele, and the washed-up Johnny Smith and George Hines!

ROWDY RODDY PIPER vs. BRUNO SAMMARTINO:
(WWF Boston Garden, Dec. 7th 1985)
* So this match is preceded by an absolutely AMAZING promo the month before, where Piper is with Bob Orton and talks about how horrible Boston is, how he couldn’t find any pretty young ladies (“I did find some pretty boys DRESSED UP like ladies, though”) and riffing on the fans… then spots a large “Roddy Piper has AIDS” sign in the crowd. The camera of course catches this and Piper hangs on it for several seconds, then makes a point to say “There’s a sign here that says Piper Has AIDS”, which earns a TREMENDOUS crowd pop, and the 40-something chubsters holding the sign high-five each other while people around them are laughing their asses off. So Piper dunks on everyone with “I’m sorry but the disease originated in the United States, and I’m not FROM here!”.

He riffs on the fans, calls them ugly, working them into a frenzy (they’re LOVING it as you can see 12-year olds flipping him off and old ladies laughing). And then when Sammartino comes out, he doesn’t let Piper dunk on him one bit- he immediately threatens to beat the shit out of him, repeatedly calls him “a piece of garbage” and won’t let him get a single word in- in other words, he’s not some passive babyface loser getting swallowed up by a charismatic heel- he’s strong, vital and threatening. So Piper just says “You’re a piece of shit!” and slaps him in the mouth! Sammartino immediately lays waste to the heels- haha check Orton doing a Superman dive after a single punch, and Piper rolling across the ring off a shoulder-nudge. Sammartino mounts Piper and slaps the shit out of him, but in comes Orton with the cast and they double-team Bruno and kick the old man in the nuts to drop him. What absolute pieces of garbage, haha- 50-year old Bruno and they gotta double-team him and kick ‘im in the balls.