Dream Matches — page 4

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Our matches today include a legendary dream match between the Hart Brothers and the Steiner Brothers! This was a classic Tape Trader dream back in the day, as it made a New Generation-era tape during a down period as the two teams had very little crossover. But it’s a doozy- 25 minutes of tons of chain-wrestling and effort. Following that, it’s a terrifically weird WCW dark match, as 1998 sees Revolution Pro’s barely-trained marks out there on Thunder, with Blitzkrieg & Super Dragon taking on American Wild Child & Dragon Yakuza! Come see why one of them immediately got a job and the other three stayed in Indie Hell as part of the “lost generation” of Cruiserweights. lol they are simply AWFUL!

Then I decided to go out and find Outback Jack’s debut, as the clumsy Australian comes in to face a maximum-effort Steve Lombardi, who desperately tries to save the match with tons of bumping and selling! After that, it’s another Dark Match, as 2000 WWF sees Scott “Sick Boy” Vick vs. Bo Dupp in the most “first match in wrestling class” bout possible!

THE STEINER BROTHERS (Rick & Scott Steiner) vs. THE HART BROTHERS (Bret & Owen Hart):
(WWF Wrestling Challenge Taping, Jan. 11th 1994)
* One of the legendary Dream Matches, this ended up on a New Generation-era Coliseum Video tape and was mostly forgotten save for internet fans, who went nuts over this bout. This was when Bret was trying to make a team with Owen work, just before Owen kicked his leg out from his leg at the Royal Rumble because he was TOO DAMN SELFISH. Babyface vs. Babyface contests were extremely rare save for when Bret was involved, as he usually got the best matches out of everybody, and knew how to toe the line (aka be a total asshole) to still get fan reactions. With four respected workers in there, and a LONG match-time, this was probably expected to be the “workers paradise” draw. Given how neither team was a thing in the WWF immediately following it, one wonders about the backstage mechanics. Bret was a former World Champion but Owen was an undercard guy still. Bret’s in pink & black, Owen’s in black, Rick’s got a yellow & blue singlet with early ’90s-style print, and Scott’s in black & checkerboard tights. Gorilla Monsoon & Stan Lane are our commentators.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time it’s a WWE Vault spectacular, as those beautiful bastards upload more and more amazing “WTF?” matches for our viewing pleasure! Check out the main event- BULL NAKANO & HAKUSHI teaming up against Alundra Blayze and Bob “Spark Plug” Holly! Absolutely spectacular stuff, especially as Bull & Madusa work “Zenjo Style” and leave the boys in the absolute dust so they can work generic “WWF Lightweight Style” at 1/3 the pace.

Then it’s a request, as Bret Hart & The Bushwhackers team up against DA MOUNTIE & The Nasty Boys in MSG, with a 13-minute match ridiculously full of fuckery (aka time-killing house show spots)- ironically IMPROVING the match compared to if they’d just played it straight! You have GOT to see Jacques Rougeau’s cartoonish overselling here. Then it’s a CASKET MATCH from WWF In Your House 5, as The Undertaker (with Phantom of the Opera mask) takes on King Mabel to cap off their feud! Also one of the worst “on paper” matches I’ve ever seen, as the Big Boss Man faces MIDEON on Sunday Night Heat in 2000, where I review it for the lulz and accidentally find a truly historic moment! Finally, I threw in a WCW match as WCW Pro features La Parka & El Dandy vs. Super Calo & Ciclope!

BULL NAKANO & HAKUSHI (w/ Shinja) vs. BOB “SPARK PLUG” HOLLY & ALUNDRA BLAYZE:
(WWF Dark Match, March 13th 1995)
* WHAT A FUCKING CHANNEL! From the WWE Vault comes a bizarre mixed tag match- JTTS Bob Holly and the top WWF women’s wrestler, and they’re taking on the Japanese duo- Hakushi (who never really got out of the midcard despite his fascinating gimmick) and Bull Nakano, brought in as Blayze’s “opponent of the time” (there were usually only 2 women in the company at once).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! With a logo made by BOD overlords! I might go back to the old one, but it apparently has a specific size requirement and I’m too tired to make one fit now! Oh yeah, and some matches!

It’s Toshiaki Kawada vs. Gary Albright in a great “Styles Make Fights” match in 1995 All Japan! Albright hails from UWF-I with tons of “fake shoot” credibility, huge size, and amateur credentials, leaving the smaller, less-submission-oriented Kawada in real trouble! Everyone knows Kawada is good, but come see HOW good, and why.

Then it’s some WCW Worldwide glory as Hacksaw Jim Duggan faces the Flock’s REESE! What sort of advanced tactics will Jim Duggan use to face a 7-foot giant, because surely he can’t just brawl with himhahahahaah just kidding. 1994 WWF sees The Portuguese Man O’War, Aldo Montoya, face a young jobber Chris Kanyon! Then it’s over to 1987 WWF for more Early Demolition, as Ax & Smash get a new manager in Mr. Fuji and take on jobbers Leaping Lanny Poffo and Billy Anderson! And finally, a weird style clash as Juventud Guerrera, fairly new to WCW, faces jobber Mark Starr on WCW Pro!

TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. GARY ALBRIGHT:
(All Japan, Oct. 25th 1995)
* This one has been detailed by our own Alex P, who indicates it’s a big pseudo-interpromotional match. Albright was a big star in UWF-I (the fake-shoot company that hit huge and then fizzled out and split apart)- he was a Vader-like big meaty powerhouse guy, with some amateur credentials. His pro wrestling start was mostly in Stampede, though. Baba brought Albright in as a new foreign star for his natives to fight- the big red singlet reminds me of Steve Williams, who was doing the same sort of thing. Terry Gordy had overdosed and went into a coma, so was just unable to manage. Albright has a way different style than most of All Japan’s big dudes, but that kind of thing itself can make a match interesting. Kawada being the #2 native against the big new signee was a pretty large deal.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have another doozy for you- Mark “Rollerball” Rocco versus a young, super-roided JUSHIN LIGER, as “Fuji Yamada” is the Heavy Middleweight Champion and takes on Rocco in another “World of Sport” rounds-based match. And this one is great! Speaking of great, how about some TOM MAGEE? Come see his last televised match, as “Mega Man McGee” takes on jobber Tim Horner in the WWF’s New England Sports Network show in 1989!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a mixed assortment of insanity! We start off with me finally remembering to check out more of Mark “Rollerball” Rocco, as he faces the DYNAMITE KID in the World of Sport UK style in 1982! Come see how slick and snug they kept their mat wrestling with two of the all-time greats of that style, before Dynamite was famous!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a main event in any arena in the country for the featured match- OUTBACK JACK vs. FRENCHY MARTIN! Yes, the lowest heel on the WWF totem pole and the guy who was so bad they turned him into a jobber immediately after his debut, despite spending weeks building him up in vignettes to capitalize on Crocodile Dundee!

Next up, a very “2002 Era Hires” match sees Ohio Valley Wrestling showcase the new Disciples of Synn, Kevin “Seven” Thorn and Tyson “Travis Bane” Tomko, against “7 foot” Matt Morgan from Tough Enough, and Mark Henry when he was being punished for being fat! Another 1987 WWF match sees The Islanders & Sivi Afi against Slick’s wrestlers: The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff & Butch Reed in a rare six-man on WWF television! Then it’s a dark match featuring YOKOZUNA just before he got that gimmick, as he wrestles his last match as “Kokina”, doing a Samoan Savage gimmick shortly before being repackaged. Then it’s 1999 WWF as Tiger Ali Singh works against Steve Blackman on Shotgun Saturday Night! Finally, WCW Saturday Night sees High Voltage return to Dream Matches, as they face “Hardwork” Bobby Walker and “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton, poor Bobby just slumming it as his career winds down.

OUTBACK JACK vs. FRENCHY MARTIN:
(WWF TV, March 14, 1987 probably?)
* OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! A match that couldn’t POSSIBLY be good! Infamous washout Outback Jack taking on “only good enough to be a manager” Frenchy Martin. Jack’s in light khakhis and boots, while Frenchy’s got a super-dated 1950s singlet on, with a physique that says “He mightg have been good 20 years ago”. You can tell commentary wasn’t told to put either guy over because Monsoon has no rebuttal for Heenan’s “well I call him Outhouse Jack” and suggests Outback’s haircut “is very economical- it probably didn’t cost him anything”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I get to something that’s fascinated me for ages but I just never got around to- the great SmackDown! match between Kurt Angle and MART JANNETTY of all people in 2005! Watch as Jannetty proves he’s still got a lot left in the tank and puts on a phenomenal performance, immediately before proving he is still Marty Jannetty and ruining his career one more time!

Next up, it’s a rematch, as Demolition take on Paul Roma & Jim Powers in mid-1987! They’re not quite the “Young Stallions” yet, but the rookies are sorta being given a micro-push and even PROMO TIME! Then it’s all three matches the WWE Vault just uploaded of “Earthquake’s Dark Matches”!- come see him as John Tenta vs. Sam Houston in 1989, as flannel-wearing “Earthquake Evans” of the Yukon (with Slick as his manager) against Paul Roma later that same year, and as a much, much skinnier Earthquake in *2001* on a dark match before Sunday Night Heat! Then it’s Mortis vs. La Parka on WCW Pro in 1997!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have a pair of brand-new additions from the WWE Vault on YouTube! First is a FAT MAN STAND-OFF as Earthquake returns to the WWF in 1994 to feud with Yokozuna, taking him on in a Sumo Match on WWF RAW! Come see the rules of sumo be used with a pro wrestling cadence! Next up is a dark match for SABU, as he enters 1993 WWF territory to take on Scott Taylor in front of a crowd that’s entirely unfamiliar with him!

WWF SUPERTAPE, Vol. 2:
* Hey everyone! I found a new tape to look up! With the Rockers! Akeem vs. Hercules! “Macho King” Randy Savage defends his crown against the former king “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan! The Rockers vs. The Powers of Pain, and then Greg Valentine & Dino Bravo! Bret Hart vs. Rick Martel! Demolition vs. The Orient Express! Akeem vs. Hercules! Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake vs. Mr. Perfect & The Genius! And Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Ravishing Rick Rude in a Steel Cage match! And HOLY SHIT the risks Rude takes in this one!

Sean Mooney narrates this tape, with the theme WAY too loud while he’s still talking. He proclaims that the cage match “ranks as one of the greatest moments in the WWF… and is not for the faint of heart”. Uh, okay. A booming voice repeats “SUPERTAPE!” in a recurring unfunny gag.

KING OF THE WWF MATCH:
“MACHO KING” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Sensational Queen Sherri) vs. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN:
* The Macho King, appearing during his post-Hogan era having taken Duggan’s crown, actually defends it here. Duggan is already in the ring by the time the tape starts. Savage comes out with gold regalia over his “all the neon colors” long tights, causing Duggan to do the “this ain’t NOTHING!” hand-sweep- I always love the four jobbers forced to carry him down and place the throne over the ring apron and guardrail. Duggan is hilariously taken aback by Savage’s “point, then thumbs down” gesture, and responds by hitting the floor and whipping the whole throne over! Thank goodness Savage is a good bumper, because he expertly hits his feet and puts his arm on the apron to guide his landing.

What an absolute monster, haha- jesus christ.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a real treat, as someone has uploaded a video of SKINNY ANDRE- “Monster Rouimoff” in *1972* taking on Strong Kobayashi in an IWE Series Match! Just spectacular to see a guy Andre’s size doing a traditional NWA-style match while also throwing in tons of Coward Heel spots like a good gaijin menace, putting over his brave, noble Japanese opponent. It’s wild seeing just how athletic and quick he was at this point.

Then a tribute to the dear, departed legend SABU, as I was shown the weirdest possible match I haven’t yet covered- a 1993 FMW house show match against HAYSTACKS CALHOUN JR., an American indie worker who weighed 400+ lbs. And then it’s over to WCW, as they give poor Renegade the nastiest kiss-off ever as he faces Kevin Sullivan, who pins him handily and they ruin his gimmick and bury the shit out of him on national television! Yes, it’s the legendary “Now you’re just PLAIN OLD RICK!” match. Then it’s over to a terrible East Coast indie for a sad look at “The New Demolition”, as Ax teams up with BLAST (a fat nobody) against Mr. X and The Kodiak Bear, doing the most stalling EVER yet also impressing me with his indie goofball selling! Finally, WWF Prime Time gives us the other member of Demolition, REPO MAN taking on the recently-debuted Max Moon!

MONSTER ROUSIMOFF vs. STRONG KOBAYASHI:
(IWE World Series Finals, Japan, 5/6 1972)
* Oh yeah I absolutely HAD to touch on this one- YOUNG SKINNY ANDRE THE GIANT vs. Strong Kobayashi from 1972 Japan! Andre was only 26 years old here and looks it, with a body more similar to how Ernie Ladd looked- long and lean. He’s a bit soft in the tummy but nowhere CLOSE to as monstrous as he later became, but he still has that giant head and those enormous hands. Kobayashi is legit- I’ve seen a great match against Don Leo Jonathan that’s my favorite pre-1970 match so far (****). Andre, now “Monster Rousimoff”, is in black trunks while Kobayashi is in red, with those sideburns I see on Inoki from his ’70s era. Andre is more than a head taller than his opponent (who is a big dude by Japanese standards), with his then-trademark short afro.

You know you’re watching a masterful production when you can get screencaps like this.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have something a little different for you- OUTLAW MUDSHOW BULLSHIT!! Roy Lucier just uploaded some POS Florida indie running a show in a union hall, and OH MY GOD it’s a spectacular trainwreck, and exactly why these promotions are hated. It has the most glorious mix of “just-trained” nobodies with no Cagematch profiles and people who actually went on to do something in the wrestling business- people like Marc Mero, Debbie Drake (Malenko), Sandy Beach, LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn and Horace Boulder fill out a card that includes a ton of embarrassing, business-exposing losers. And you simply have to see Sandy wrestle Eddie Rose- it I swear to God makes the “My Vag Hurts!” match look like a masterpiece.

But I couldn’t do a column of JUST this awful show, so to fill it out, here’s Mortis vs. Juventud Guerrera on WCW Saturday Night in 1998, as Chris Kanyon finally gets a guy small enough where he can try ALL his silly bullshit movez on and just hammers them all out. Then it’s more of DEMOLITIONMANIA here on Dream Matches, as they get their first-ever big contest taking on The Islanders in early 1987.

MORTIS (w/ James Vandenberg) vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(WCW Saturday Night, 01/03/1998)
* Another one of those fantastic “Only in WCW” matches, it’s Mortis in the midst of his go-nowhere midcard run taking on a high-level luchadore! His mission now is to prove he’s “the best masked wrestler in WCW” and go through all the luchadores. Did that ever go anywhere? Juventud was one of the top lucha guys in WCW, but still had his mask at this point and wasn’t quite as pushed.

There’s nothing in wrestling quite like angry middle-aged women in the front row flipping heels the bird.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have something inspired by a Scott Keith find from a couple months ago on the WWE Vault channel- the Road Warriors versus babyface STAN HANSEN & KING KONG BUNDY! At a big arena show in Georgia in 1984! Totally wild stuff!

Then it’s a look at more Demolition, as the team get another squash win in late 1987 that involves Billy Jerk Haynes & Ken Patera! Then it’s DETROIT DEMOLITION, as poor Randy Colley got dumped as a member of Demolition but got to keep the gimmick in the indies, wearing the same gear and facepaint as a filler midcard heel! Here he takes on Continental Tennessee Champion DOUG FURNAS in one match, then a 56-year old Rufus R. Jones in Puerto Rico in another, both in 1988! Finally, I suffer through two MORE Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman matches, this time while Steve is the Hardcore Champion and actually getting a bit of a push! While poor Gangrel ekes out the rest of his contrast with torn sleeves and his finisher being destroyed!

GEORGIA TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. STAN HANSEN & KING KONG BUNDY:
(Georgia Championship Wrestle, The Omni, Feb. 26th 1984)
* Dude, HOLY SHIT. This exists! So if you’re anything like me, you rightly have 200 tabs open at any given time, promising yourself that “I’ll get ot that one eventually”- this is just how a proper person conducts their business. And of course I eventually GET to some of them! Two months after the fact, I opened an unread BOD tab and there it was- a Scott Keith review that contained this very match! The WWE Vault YouTube channel posted the heel Road Warriors up against Hansen & Bundy of all people from 1984! And both of the latter were BABYFACES, no less! This is from a big arena show, but with no commentary and a single stationary cam.

More of Demolition & the WWF trying to figure it out with their facepaint. It’s changing every appearance, probably on purpose, but eventually they settle on a look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First off, it’s the most “1997 WCW” match possible, as Bobby Eaton, now a washed up star from the ’80s working third-tier shows, facing LA PARKA, one of the “second tier” of WCW’s luchadores! Then I check out more of DEMOLITION as they continue to work over their gimmick- Barry Darsow joins as the new Smash and suddenly they immediately figure it out in the ring, doing tons of clubbing blows. This features both a squash over the Pre-Young Stallions (Paul Roma & Jim Powers) in April 1987, then a match in October against Brady Boone & Scott Casey with an AMAZING post-match angle!

After that, it’s a request as Uncle Elmer of the WWF “Hillbilly” faction takes on BIGFOOT, aka journeyman loser Rip Morgan! Then a batch of matches by request, as it turns out that two of WWF’s “filler midcarders” had a TON of bouts in the Attitude Era: Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman! Two straight matches!

PS you have no idea how annoyed I am that WWE’s top angle is now John Cena vs. Randy Orton and I did their first match against each other in LAST WEEK’s column, haha.

LA PARKA vs. BOBBY EATON:
(WCW Saturday Night, Nov. 15th 1997)
* Now THIS is the WCW I know and love! A washed-up former great Southern wrestler who peaked in the 1980s as a tag guy doing a singles match with a crazy chair-wielding luchadore. Mulletted Eaton is a babyface slapping hands with the fans and wearing long black tights with stars on them.

Just AWFUL, haha. 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have even more “Guys Workshopping Their Gimmicks” stuff, as DEMOLITION makes their WWF debut and it’s the only two televised matches featuring RANDY COLLEY as Smash! This apparently never worked out, as fans recognized him as a Moondog (ie. a JTTS) and he was swapped out for new hire Barry Darsow, and that was that. Here they take on what I think are higher-end jobbers Jerry Allen & Sivi Afi.

Keeping up with that theme, let’s check out some Ohio Valley Wrestling!! WWF’s Developmental Promotion has a bunch of future main eventers in it- the Tag Champions Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin go up against the heels from last week’s column, Smooth Johnny Spade & Sly Scraper (Sylvester Terkay as a Bruiser Brody knockoff)! Then it’s the first ever JOHN CENA/RANDY ORTON match, as Orton takes on “The Prototype” in two separate matches! More of Danny Doring & Roadkill, as ECW’s rising midcarders try to take the ECW Tag Team Titles from the FBI (Guido & Mamaluke) in Mississauga, Ontario! Then one last Bilvis Wesley match as he takes on Steve Corino in the dying days of ECW!

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Johnny V) vs. SALVATORE BELLOMO & MARIO MANCINI:
(WWF Superstars, 1/17/87)
* Yes, someone uploaded the only two televised matches of MOONDOG REX “Smash”, back when the Demos were managed by Johnny V and had mostly black facepaint. Really hideous crap, too- it’s just sludgly black paint with tiny bits of other colors. Ax has YELLOW PAINT over one side of his mouth and Smash has a yellow forehead with blue hair. The story I always heard is that Rex (Randy Colley) was too recognizable as an ex-JTTS loser, and so got dropped. The Jobbers look HILARIOUS- Bellomo has a goofy red striped singlet on and a really broad torso while Mancini is just flabby and in red trunks.

Ax, nowhere near as roided as he’d later become, hammers the shit out of Bellomo and slams him, bringing in Smash for some right hands. Back to Ax, who bounces Bellomo around (great “stiff-body” bumps by Bellomo, looking helpless) but lets him tag out. Mancini fares no better, Smash skooshing his face into the mat repeatedly. We get an overdub by Finkel to hype things AND a Johnny V inset interview as it’s just an aimless brawl, but Mancini gets dumped so Ax can slam him on the floor. Smash with a double-axehandle and they debut Demolition Decaptiation to win at (3:46).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, my looking at Rikishi Phatu’s early WWF career leads to a Metal match against the British Bulldog of all people, during that short bit of crossover where the two were up north at the same time! Actually they probably shared space a lot given the Headshrinkers & Sultan’s runs, but I can’t remember lots of matches they had. Then it’s time for some WORLD OF SPORT, as I review Johnny Saint vs. Rollerball Rocco from the UK in the 1980s!

Next up, it’s a look at Shelton Benjamin in Ohio Valley Wrestling as he takes on Smooth Johnny Spade, an indie lifer meant to carry the rookie through a quick TV match! Then I check out more of the Dying Days of ECW with its most bottom-feeder gimmicks: Bilvis Wesley and Chilly Willy! In particular, Bilvis teams up with Tom Marquez against the rising babyface duo of Danny “spending more time naming my mid-match moves than learning how to get over” Doring and Roadkill! Then Chilly Willy makes a Southern indie taking on the promotion’s top heel, Tracy Smothers!

RIKISHI PHATU (w/ Too Cool) vs. “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY-BOY SMITH (w/ The Mean Street Posse):
(WWF Metal, Dec. 18th 1999)
* So it’s one more Rikishi match! Well maybe. I was gonna see how much interesting stuff there was, but once he hits his formula all his matches are pretty much the same, haha. This one’s interesting because his opponent is the BULLDOG- a very brief period between him quitting WCW and rejoining the WWF as a midcarder (Bret Hart was predictably kind-hearted and understanding about this turn of events). Bulldog’s wearing BLUE JEANS and coming out to the sound of dogs barking and “ugh, Jim Johnston was tired that day, alright?” butt-rock. This being two midcarders on Metal with five dudes hanging around ringside, I’m imagining Fuck Finish.

HHH backing up in shock after Rikishi gets up despite being smashed with a weapon. See, that’s how ya do it.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a very special case- a match where I give COMPLIMENTS to Triple H! Because my reviews last week of Rikishi’s debut matches upon his return led to people discussing his rapid-fire push and a very good HHH match on SmackDown!, and since I was already reviewing the next batch of Rikishi squashes, I figured I’d throw them all together and show those squashes leading to the HHH bout, comparing and contrasting the stylistic differences as Rikishi “figures it out” and starts to get over! So we start with Rikishi versus Tracy Smothers (Southern perma-midcarder and “good hand”) and then Joey Abs, putting him together with Too Cool, and then he gets a big January 2000 match against Triple H himself for the World Title! And HHH makes someone look like a star!

After that, a very “WCW” kind of match, as one of the best Cruiserweight workers on Earth gets crushed by do-nothing bottomfeeder Hugh Morrus on WCW Saturday Night in 1997! And finally, I at last get to the “Dying Days of ECW” guys, with the Dream Matches debut of BILVIS WESLEY, one of the all-time bad worked names, as a late-stage ECW performer I forgot existed until a BOD review on the end times of ECW on TNN reminded me about him! Here he takes on ECW workhorse Jerry Lynn! And then it’s his compatriots in that era, as Chilly Willy wrestles Chris Hamrick on ECW Hardcore TV!

RIKISHI FATU vs. TRACY SMOTHERS:
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, Nov. 21st 1999)
* Well I’ll be dipped! TRACY SMOTHERS did time as a jobber in late ’90s WWF! I thought Freddie Joe Floyd was his only run! Rikishi’s name is actually spelled “Rakishi Fatu” on the chyron, while Tracy gets the jobber entrance. Rikishi’s dropped the weird suspender-top thingie, and now has his hair in the ponytail it’d be in for the rest of his run/career.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today might have the most disparate stuff in a WHILE, as I find a match by Great Kokina (Yokozuna) all the way back in 1988 when he’s green as grass, taking on the even FATTER Otto Wanz in Germany’s CWA promotion! Come see what the veteran can do with the super-limited rookie in a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!

Speaking of obesity, I also wanted to check out the debut of Rikishi Fatu in the WWF, as Fatu comes back with a new push and added bulk, using All The Fat Guy Moves in some impressive squashes, first against Julio Fantastico (the future Julio Dinero) and Crash Holly on back to back Shotgun Saturday Nights! Turns out I did remember right- he was hitting the Banzai Drop AND the Earthquake Vertical Splash in his early stuff! Then a request, as I find a pair of Eddie Guerrero vs. “Gentleman” Chris Adams matches from WCW Saturday Night shows in 1997 and 1999! Finally, it’s more All Japan, as we see Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Toshiaki Kawada in a big showcase of Kawada’s chances in 1991 against the true Ace of the promotion!

CWA TITLE:
OTTO WANZ vs. GREAT KOKINA:
(CWA, Nov. 17th 1988)
* Oh, now this is just crazy- OTTO WANZ vs. Yokozuna (Kokina) in 1988! Otto Wanz is, of course, the guy in charge of CWA, the European territory where people just call it “Otto Wanz’s Territory” without explaining who Otto Wanz is, so I only know him as “the guy who has a territory in Germany” (apparently Austria mostly, haha). CWA also calls this a World Title, which… fair enough? Guys come from all over the place to fight for it in these weird round-based matches. Everyone’s music is hilariously dull and silly, and Wanz looks NOTHING like I imagined- I was predicting a middle-weight unfun German guy with a good amateur-style physique and a plain blue singlet, and instead I get a corpulent fatty in a garish pastel blue and pink striped singlet. This man is FATTER THAN KOKINA! Which makes this my favorite ever type of match… a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! After last week’s WWF tape, I figured I’d go for more disparate weird things, from outliers to requests to spectacularly awful indie garbage (see the above pic)! First off, it’s Yokozuna back when he was an up & comer in 1989 AWA, as “Kokina Maximus” takes on job guy rookie and future ECW & TNA star Jerry Lynn! Then it’s over to NOAH in Japan for a bizarre one, as Claudio Castagnoli and indie long-timer Chris Hero team up to take on one of the four pillars, Akira Taue, alongside Jun Izumida in a comedy match!

Then a request, as the most “2001 WWE D-Show” match possible has Crash Holly teaming up with Too Cool against Raven, Perry Saturn & Tazz on WWF Jakked! Then it’s some of the worst indie crap you’ve ever seen, as Bobby Bold Eagle, a 60-year old white guy dressed in warpaint doing an “Indian” gimmick takes on an Abdullah the Butcher knockoff in 1984 WWA! BUT FIRST…

I will never forget this one. So the time is 1999. My dad was helping out a young coworker move into a new house and lay sod in the back yard, and recruited me for it as well. This was a RAW night, so I was of course taping it. But we were finished sometime after RAW started and we went back into the house for food or what have you as the guy’s wife was watching TV. And of course I was like “hey, how about RAW?”. Being seventeen years old, I couldn’t WAIT to show these 20-something newlyweds how cool wrestling had become, how “adult” and edgy it was now! No longer was it the childish, goofy thing of the past- ADULTS could watch it and feel no shame! I was so proud of how I would spread my interest to others and showcase what I loved about wrestling so much.

So we flip channels, set it to RAW mid-show, and what’s the first thing we see?… the in-ring debut… of BEAVER FUCKING CLEAVAGE.

HARRY “BEAVER” CLEAVAGE (w/ Mrs. Cleavage) vs. CHRISTIAN:
(WWF RAW, May 31st 1999)
* So yes, this is WWF Headbanger Mosh repackaged as “Beaver Cleavage”, who appeared in goofy vignettes focused around his mother’s cleavage. His mother was of course a woman around the same age as Beaver, who nonetheless acted like a child. So “The Beav” comes out dressed in kiddie shorts and a suit & tie, plus a propeller beanie, arm in arm with “his mother”, wearing a dress with a short skirt and open cleavage. Of course the entrance is filmed in black & white- gotta keep to the gimmick! And… fuck me, his name was actually Harry Beaver?

“I love beavers!’ cries Jerry Lawler as I try to explain to these people whose home I’ve just defiled that “oh haha, they’re just doing a silly thing where he pretends to act like Beaver Cleaver!” like this is clever, and the guy’s wife was like “haha, her name is Cleavage and she’s showing cleavage…” in a manner that was in no way an uncomfortable attempt to humor me. I have no recollection of the rest of the evening and this has never been mentioned again. I can only assume that my soul left my body permanently, and I would desperately like to say I never tried to push my wrestling fandom on anyone ever again, especially not my college friend Ben on the very episode where Vince McMahon debuted the “Kiss My Ass Club” and showed his pearly-white ass cheeks on TV as William Regal kissed them.

Babyface vs. Babyface matches in the WWF are super-rare and always interesting. Especially when one team always shows a willingness to cheat.

WWF WRESTLEFEST ’91:
* AMAZING. The WWE Vault has been uploading all sorts of old Coliseum Videos. These were great fun to rent as a kid- in an era where every syndicated show was jobber squashes and ending with Owen Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigelow as your only star match, these were actually kind of a great sight. Of course, in retrospect it’s all fuck finishes and guys mostly dogging it in matches, but it provides TONS of rarities. Like this one- The Ultimate Warrior vs. Earthquake! The Mountie vs. The Big Boss Man! The Rockers vs. Power & Glory! Ted DiBiase vs. The Texas Tornado! Koko B. Ware vs. The Warlord! British Bulldog vs. Haku! Marty Jannetty vs. Pat Tanaka! Rick “The Model” Martel vs. a BABYFACE Greg “The Hammer” Valentine! And a huge dream match- The Legion of Doom vs. The Hart Foundation! Babyface vs. Babyface! Good thing Bret doesn’t have a history of wrestling like a total asshole every time his opponent is another babyface!

Our host is “Macho Man” Randy Savage, “Man of Leisure”, resting by his pool and having a nightmare about the Ultimate Warrior defeating him at WrestleMania VII. Newly retired, Savage would be a commentator/host for a while until Warrior quit, requiring him to get into a feud with Jake Roberts that is well-remembered today but was a total box office bust. Our commentary team for this is Lord Alfred Hayes with Sean Mooney, which is an odd “C-Team” duo, as we’ll see.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. EARTHQUAKE (w/ Jimmy Hart):
* Probably the tape’s main event leads us off, with a 27-year old Tenta looking positively ancient in a pre-match green-screen interview where he references their history (a push-up contest from I think late 1989). Warrior’s in orange, and Quake is in his later gear (much more elaborate and dignified than his baby blue unitard).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have another treat- more RUSS DAVIS commentating 1950s wrestling, as Gorgeous George takes on surly Hans Schnabel in Chicago way back in 1950! Come see George be the first wrestler to have his own entrance music and do much of his “cheating heel” act in a carry-job! Then it’s over to Mexico as my search for more awful Giant Warrior performances sees him team up with YOKOZUNA (in his run as “Kokina”) and Canek against the lucha trio of Dos Caras, Tieneblas & Tieneblas Jr.! And I finalize the obsession with this shitty 7-footer by sharing ANOTHER match- one from Texas against Brian “Spanky” Kendrick! In Shawn Michaels’s indie promotion! Where Giant Warrior is now acting as Tiger Steele and is now a DIESEL rip-off! Then I found one more Eric Angle match as he takes on Johnny Spade in his OVW return from 14 months off for arm surgeries!

GORGEOUS GEORGE vs. HANS SCHNABEL:
(Chicago Amphitheatre, 11/03/1950)
* Yes, it’s time for more Russ Davis commentary in the Chicago Amphitheatre! My happy place! This is of course featuring one of the most influential wrestlers in history (if not #1 with a bullet), the Human Orchid- Gorgeous George! George is immediately my hero by huffily waving an ostrich-feather fan at the fans (“One of the— OH NO, Ostrich fea– well SHADES OF SALLY RAND! Puh-lease! Ostrich feathers, no less!”- Davis). “Say, aren’t we done up beautifully! Now George, don’t be sensitive because the customers are hooting and yelling!”. George, notably, is coming down to “Pomp and Circumstance”, I believe having invented the notion of a wrestler having his own theme song. Davis is beside himself, cracking up at “Yes, the robe is PINK”. George looks disagreeably at his nonplussed opponent, bows to the crowd, then tosses his “Georgie Pins” to them (kids are seen excitedly going for them). Davis calls out George’s tight curls, arranged in a little “halo” around his head, and emphasizes that George would not agree to wrestle until Schnabel swore he would let the hair be. The fans boo over the announcer introducing the Human Orchid. George of course makes a big fuss when the ref checks them over, insisting on getting a look at Schnabel, then acting aggrieved when the referee (Novak, who Davis points out “drives a taxicab” during the other eight hours he works- “And so he’s not known as a gentle person, either”). “Oh hello, a bustle if you PLEASE!” cries Davis as more of George’s regalia is uncovered- he’d assumed this was all a one-piece gown. haah Novak puts his hands on both guy’s shoulders during instructions and George just has this >:-[ look at him when he realizes it, causing Novak to pull his hand away, rolling his eyes in frustration. George also expresses annoyance at the whistles and hooting as he finally disrobes after 2 minutes of wasting time.