Rollerball Rocco vs. Jushin Liger (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have another doozy for you- Mark “Rollerball” Rocco versus a young, super-roided JUSHIN LIGER, as “Fuji Yamada” is the Heavy Middleweight Champion and takes on Rocco in another “World of Sport” rounds-based match. And this one is great! Speaking of great, how about some TOM MAGEE? Come see his last televised match, as “Mega Man McGee” takes on jobber Tim Horner in the WWF’s New England Sports Network show in 1989!

Next up, it’s more Demolition (unsung Dream Matches MVPs- I swear they earn me 10+ extra comments every time they appear), as they face Greg “The Hammer” Valentine & The Honky Tonk Man on Wrestling Challenge! Then it’s more of the legendary BATTLE KAT, as the clumsy, shitty “martial arts” JTTS teams up with Koko B. Ware to take on the relatively new Orient Express- Sato & Tanaka. And hoo boy as soon as this match was done I RACED this YouTube video straight to Maffew- it has to be seen to be believed how bad Battle Kat is, and then KOKO gets the yips to match him!

Then it’s over to WCW, as Juventud Guerrera gets ALL his shit in against Jerry Lynn of all people on WCW Worldwide, flinging himself around like a maniac. Finally, it’s a WCW Main Event masterpiece, as THE GREAT MUTA comes to town, and all WCW has for him is Lenny Lane on a D-Show nobody is watching.

WORLD HEAVY MIDDLEWEIGHT TITLE:
FUJI YAMADA vs. MARK “ROLLERBALL” ROCCO:
15 3-MINUTE ROUNDS, FIRST TO TWO FALLS WINS:
(World of Sport, June 13th 1987)
* I knew I had to seek out this one- legendary Rollerball Rocco and his opponent is a young JUSHIN LIGER, as Keiichi Yamada is now “Fuji” in the World of Sport. Rocco is impressively such an asshole that the squat Japanese dude is the massive favorite to the fans, and the two nearly get into it as soon as Rocco hits the ring, Fuji nearly going for his bokken (wooden sword). Fuji disrobes and is JACKED at this point, having that roided Ricky Steamboat look with the broad chest and his arms always spread out. Holy crap I had no idea Liger was a juicer.

They start off hot, Yamada way too fast for him and flinging Rocco around- he bails and has to resort to gut-kicks, suplexing Yamada and fighting him over via a hammerlock for a pin attempt. He pulls the hair, but Yamada fires out of a full nelson only to charge into a clothesline and Rocco knees him on the forehead- the ref’s on him for that, but he works strikes and brilliantly uses the leg to break a wrist-clutch, only to end up hammerlocked. He finally charges the ropes to throw Yamada out with a leverage move. Yamada IMMEDIATELY bursts in and Rocco does his patented “knee into the corner” bump and an atomic drop has him begging off until time’s up. R2 begins with Rocco’s backslide and he keeps working like an asshole, grabbing hair or tying Yamada up in the ropes. Yamada nearly bridges from a test of strength but flips Rocco, only to earn the headbutt to the gut- Rocco always has a way out of EVERYTHING. Yamada bridges out of a dragon sleeper-ish move and snapmares him, but Rocco uses a punch (out of view of the ref) and backdrop suplex. Kneedrop to the throat but the ref won’t count that as a pin, and Rocco uses an abdominal stretch, shouting at “Mister Inoki!” as he does, but gets countered as time’s up. Of course he hiptosses Yamada after the bell once he releases, haha. R3 starts with Yamada using a back elbow out of a really bad cartwheel, and he hits a DDT-like suplex and a flying elbow 3/4 across the ring! Rocco hits the floor to whine and sell while fans give him shit and give Yamada an ovation.

Rocco finally heads back in and they kinda botch a Flair Toss (Rocco sells and THEN Yamada goes for a slam-toss so he has to spin around in mid-sell), but dodges a kneedrop and goes after the leg, hitting the SCORPION DEATHLOCK (in 1987!). Interestingly, he gives up the shoulder-grip and switches to pulling both ankles with his hands. He finally releases and snapmares Yamada so his leg hits the bottom rope, then hits a kneecrusher & drop toehold. R4 starts with Rocco braying and holding the belt, then punching Yamada again and grinding away at him- interestingly, the leg doesn’t hurt at all as Yamada bolts around at top speed, but charges into a gutshot and swinging neckbreaker from Rocco, but the next whip sees Yamada teleport behind him for a beautiful Bridging German- for the pin at (1:44 of Round 4)! Yamada’s up (1-0)! R5 starts with a selling Rocco getting his ass kicked- Yamada fires off a Rude Awakening-style neckbreaker and falling headbutt, but Rocco gut-punches him from the ground and avoids the Yamada Special (cross-body out of the corner), then works the gut a while & dumps him (lol a fan helps Yamada back into the ring). The fan-assisted headbutt sees Rocco roll back into the ring and Yamada missile dropkicks him! Rocco sells a while, but goes to the eyes, only to knee the post again- he bumps amazingly for some knee shots but tosses Yamada to the floor at round’s end.

Seriously, look at this kid’s physique!

R6 starts with Rocco sneakily undoing the turnbuckle cover and immediately smashing Yamada into it repeatedly back-first. A Canadian backbreaker and huge lariat, but Yamada springs out of an International with the cross-body for two- but another International sees Rocco get the gut-kick into a Butterfly Suplex for the pin at (1:08 of Round 6)- tied (1-1)! R7 starts with a front facelock from Rocco, who garrotes Yamada on the top rope. But he misses a shot in the corner and gets dropkicked out and an incredulous Rocco takes a PESCADO, which had to be wild for World of Sport! I love Rocco’s sudden “NOOOOOO!” when he realizes what’s coming. But he immediately recovers with a punch and smashes Yamada into the post, then dodges a second missile dropkick, Yamada eating shit and selling. Rocco suplexes him on the top rope and tries to suplex him back in, but countless go-behinds end with Rocco holding the ropes so Yamada flings himself backwards, and Rocco pounces with the Tombstone at (2:15 of Round 7) (2-1 Rocco). Rocco is once again World Heavy Middleweight Champion! Rocco is as graceful in victory as you might expect, talking shit to a guy who can’t understand a word he’s saying, promising “to take it out o’ your hide, for leaving my belt in a dirty state!”.

A remarkably quick, intense match, this time with Rocco as an obvious veteran working a match AROUND a kid- you could see him leading stuff, giving openings, etc., because Yamada didn’t have the experience. What he DID have, though, was speed- he was flying around there like a young Rey Mysterio, Rocco perfectly selling how impossible it is to hold such a guy, having all sorts of issues with him. Instead of the “constant snapmares into elaborate spots” you saw with him & Dynamite (probably tricky because of the language barrier) it was kept a lot more simple with a lot of dirty strikes and “missed shots”, so that part is interesting. Seeing Yamada do high spots is also a big difference- I don’t see a lot of World of Sport dudes hitting the top rope. What’s weird is that in Japan & North America these are HUGE moves, while in WoS it like… leads to Rocco bailing to put it over, or have issues getting up. No near-falls and they’re mixed into the rest of the match as occasional high spots. Incredible seeing Yamada pull off some of these flurries at top speed (he’d slowed a lot even by 1994-ish), and his high spots looked great, sold wonderfully by Rollerball, who was stunned by the pescado. Perfect technique by Yamada. I love Rollerball’s counters, though- the gutshot is very simple and to the point (and probably the cue for the Japanese youth to “stop doing stuff and let me do a thing”), and eventually he just gets more and more clever, always having a way out of stuff- a move for every occasion, like catching Yamada on the apron with a posting, dodging a missile dropkick, or just grabbing the ropes to stop a move. The kid had to fight from underneath the entire time, despite the early pin. It was interesting because at this point, Yamada had all the physical gifts and Rollerball wasn’t selling as much or as theatrically as in past matches, but still had timing and personality, plus controlled most of the match.

Rating: **** (another amazing performance by Rocco- Yamada was with him every step of the way and brought perfect speed & execution to it)

“MEGA MAN” McGEE vs. TIM HORNER:
(WWF New England Sports Network, May 13th 1989)
* Awwwwwwww YEAH, it’s time for more Tom Magee! The most infamously hopeless guy ever, in what I’ve been told was his last chance. Bret Hart made him look good, Ted DiBiase apparently couldn’t, and now he’s up against a “good hand” jobber in Horner. Magee is now given the “Mega Man McGee” nickname and is roided to SHREDS and super bulky up top in particular. He’s in tiny red trunks, while Horner, a very Generic McWrestler blond guy (against whom Jim Cornette has a LEGENDARY 28-minute burial on his podcast), had green. Amazingly, this has a Tony Schiavone/Lord Alfred Hayes commentary team.

Mega Man locks up and pushes Horner after a rope break, then they do a wristlock exchange (McGee over-swings his arm and Horner has to catch it again)- McGee does the “rolling headstand” counter but Horner rolls through and fireman’s hims from the ground. Horner hits an armlock, gets slammed, and rolls through as the fans LOUDLY shout “BORRRRINNNGGG!” which seems kinda rude only a minute in, haha. Mega Man easily resists some shoulderblocks, but Horner scoots under him a third try, then armdrags him into another “pitlock”. I gotta say, McGee hasn’t looked as clueless as I’ve seen in other matches so far. And as I type that, he lifts his head too early and nearly botches Horner’s flying headscissors attempt. At least he’s strong enough to heft him into it. Horner does the bridge-up alongside Mega Man and backslides him, but McGee can’t hold himself down for the pin and slides out. Fans give them grief again, but McGee dumps Horner, then shows his athleticism with a leap over the ropes to the floor and a somersault back into the ring for a BIG running clothesline that bowls Horner over (great bump there). He does a backflip into some choking, then his standing spinkick for two. Horner manages a surprise inside cradle, but McGee stomps & chops him so hard he slides out over the bottom rope. Mega Man gutwrenches him back into the ring, but takes a sunset flip- he rolls out at one but Bret Harts into the corner and puts his head down too early and gets booted. Horner pounds away, slams and hiptosses him, but the Jobber Finish is his fate- he crossbodies out of the corner and gets rolled through, Mega Man pinning him at (6:50). Now he gets Horner’s weapon!

This was a combination of being nowhere NEAR as bad as I was expecting, yet nowhere near good enough to keep a man his job, as Magee (here written as “McGee”) was less clumsy and “always in the wrong spot” as he was in past matches (like against Riki Choshu in Japan), yet obviously Horner was having to basically wrestle himself and lead “Mega Man” through EVERYTHING. I mean, clearly the jobber had to control the entire bout and even set up comebacks. While McGee wasn’t as hopeless as before, he still showed a lot of holes in his game- chiefly, he just blankly went through nearly every move, forgetting to like… prance around, flex, backflip to show off, etc. Do some calisthenics! Show off your physique! Those were things he was actually LEGITIMATELY good at, but he still wrestles like a tackling dummy and can’t really act like a guy in a fight at any point. His selling is a big issue- instead of acting like a guy who got hit, he acts like “okay now I need to bend over, then do a big graceful, slow fall backwards while windmilling my arms into a pre-planned way to fall”. This is not, in fact, Magee’s final WWF match, as he beats Horner on a few more house shows, then jobs to both him & Jim Powers and calls it a career from the looks of things- no more Cagematch for him!

Rating: *1/4 (a pretty weak, boring squash with like 1-2 good moves and mostly a jobber trying to wrestle himself)

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash) vs. THE HONKY TONK MAN & GREG “THE HAMMER” VALENTINE (w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WWF Wrestling Challenge, May 14th 1989)
* I found more Demolition! With them facing the future Rhythm & Blues before they got a team name! So by 1989 Valentine was a bit long of tooth as an act but could still go, and HTM was gonna flounder as a cowardly heel without the IC Title, so as both guys were Hart Family dudes, it kinda made sense to pair them up. The heels and babyfaces are all in black, but Valentine still has his hair bleach blond.

Valentine keeps locking up with Smash, taunting him at first but getting shoved down and atomic dropped (the sell is hilarious, practically going cross-legged), but gets a knee up in the corner and barrels him over with a clohesline. He turns the Hammer Jammer shinguard over to try his Figure-Four, but Smash effortlessly pulls him over, then sweeps Honky off his feet with one hand and bounces him around. Demolition BOTH beat the absolute shit out of them and Honky’s sell is GREAT, just shuddering like he’s being murdered and the fans go nuts for that. He scoots across the ring on his knees in agony, and Ax elbows him down. “Gimme that foot!” and HTM goes into Smash’s boot. It’s all Demos so far, but as Ax is trying to twist his head off, Honky does this great sneeeaaakkky look up and jabs Ax in the throat out of view of the ref. The heels work over Ax as Heenan decries them picking him up (“keep him down!”) and sure enough, Ax and Valentine get into an AWESOME brawl, ending by Valentine nailing him a little bit low with the Jammer. Ax sells the pain with his gutteral roar as the heels work on his ribs.

Ax tries to fight back but Hammer eyerakes him, but puts his head down (miscue there as Ax grabs him but Hammer sells it like a kick before Ax can thump him) and Smash gest the hot tag. Valentine stands there a while so the ref can get behind him for a ref bump spot. Rugged Ronnie Garvin in his job as “troubleshooting ref” comes out to help as the Demos dump Honky lightning-quick and hit Jumping Demolition Axehandles on Valentine, but Honky grabs the megaphone and nails Ax with it a few times. Garvin sees this and goes on a shoving rampage, knocking everyone back and awards the match to Demolition at (5:04)- DQ finish! Garvin raises the champs’ hands, but the heel scome in to beat him down- Demolition saves, but Garvin shoves Smash away in frustration before turning his attention back to his foes (Monsoon: “He doesn’t like anybody!” Heenan: “How would YOU if you had that haircut?”).

A fun little match- Honky is an EPIC seller and perfect for tag matches because his dogshit offense can be hidden behind a big bruiser partner, of which Valentine is pretty adequate (though it occurs to me Honky/Barbarian or Warlord would be PERFECT), and watching Valentine and Ax have a Scary Dadbod Brawl is awesome, short as it was. They obviously didn’t get very far before the fuck finish, but it’s Wrestling Challenge and there was no resting- what more do you want?

Rating: ** (perfectly acceptable TV match with some fun brawling)

THE ORIENT EXPRESS (Sato & Tanaka, w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. KOKO B. WARE & BATTLE KAT:
(WWF TV, 1990)
* OOOH, I just had to see this one! I’ve only seen two Battle Kat performances (he did not last long and was quickly jobbed out after swapping guys under the mask). Poor Kat learns nervous as hell to climb to the top rope, visibly shaking before he just… leaps down to his feet. Both babyfaces are kinda/sorta featured guys but are resolutely JTTS dudes by this point. The Orients are a new team and as yet unbeaten. Kat’s in orange/purple with his goofy kitty mask and a blond ponytail sticking out (looking kinda like Al Snow), Koko’s in blue, and the Orients are in red.

Battle Kat spends more time posing than wrestling, then hits a “martial arts” pose with Tanaka and does an embarrassingly bad “ax kick”, then chops him out of an International and hits a ridiculous slow backflip into a corner elbow. Poor Tanaka has to sell like Kat is this incredibly fast, effective wrestler and I feel so bad for him. The immobile crowd is naturally ROARING with this thanks to some post-production. Lord Alfred has clearly been told not to bury him yet (he does in a later match) but admits “they don’t look like they’re too devastating” but changes gears with a solid crescent kick. Sato comes in and Kat takes over on him with an armdrag, then tags out to Koko and mysteroiusly the Orients are suddenly moving and selling a LOT faster and more effectively, almost like Koko is a better worker or something! Koko works over Sato, then it’s Tanaka/Kat again and fuckin’ BK hits the Kick of Fear then TRIPS over Tanaka jesus christ this guy is so bad.

Tanaka’s like “please god give me some offense” and they chop away at him, Sato misses an elbow but oddly saves himself on the fall and pounds away as Kat tags out and now KOKO’s involved in a botch as he & Sato hit each other but only Koko really sells- Tanaka’s in for a whip reversal sequence, eats only 3 corner punches and then OH GOD Koko tries a sunset flip but Tanaka goes flat so Koko just falls on him and tries a Boston crab from the weirdest possible angle, having to fight him to his back THEN his front again to complete the move. Sato saves, then Koko’s O’Connor roll has the “silent kickout” as Tanaka just kinda rolls up a bit. Jesus Christ I think everyone has the yips now. The Orients finally trade off a bit and keep it simple, then Koko psyches out Tanaka and hits his missile dropkick. Sato breaks it up and when Battle Kat dropkicks him out, grabs Mr. Fuji’s cane and the ref doesn’t see him blast Koko with it- Tanaka rolls over for the pin at (7:44).

A complete disaster in every meaning of the term. Battle Kat is SO horrible here, being hesitant and unable to wrestle properly without getting in his own way, which is causing Tanaka to fuck up. Some weak strikes and poor Tanaka has to sell them, then Kat TRIPS over him. Koko is way faster and everyone can work well with him, but then he and Tanaka get ahead of themselves and Koko splats across him and hits an ugly crab in an embarassing spot. A bad pin kickout is also a sign this is going off the rails and thank Christ they wrap it up quickly before anything else goes wrong.

Rating: 1/2* (a hilarious botch-filled mess)

JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. JERRY LYNN:
(WCW Worldwide, Sept. 21st 1996)
* Juvi, fresh into WCW, comes onto the D-show to take on Jerry Lynn, then with short hair and no goatee, making him look ridiculously plain (you know, as opposed to the dynamic superstar look he’d later develop). Juvi’s in an ugly green-tights version of his gear, with a purple/yellow mask, while Lynn’s in blue tights with yellow trunks over them.

Juvi does some rolls out of Lynn’s arm stuff, lucha-style as Bobby Heenan makes jokes about Juvi’s name and whether or not Guerrera is related to the Guerreros, and Lynn does his usual “go-behind armdrag”, then two solid moves out of the corner to harry the kid. Man, who told all the ring crew guys to wear distrangly-bright orange shirts today? They namedrop “JL” as one of the Cruiserweight contenders, who is of course a masked version of Lynn. Juvi lands a spinkick, misses an enzuigiri, but clotheslines him down and follows with a big somersault springboard dropkick! Jesus- think he tatered him good on that one. Japan-style brainbuster gets two, but Lynn ducks him for a German suplex (shitty technique- get up on those toes!). Juvi counters with a fuckin’ uranage overhead throw (lmao this is WORLDWIDE, Juvi- settle down!)- Lynn gets his foot in the ropes so Juvi spikes him with a springboard Guillotine Legdrop for two. Juvi tries another somersault missile kick and lands on his ass, then folds over himself for Lynn’s missile dropkick. The criss-cross into a Lynn back elbow, but Juvi catches him up top- he’s flipped off trying a super rana, but dodges Lynn’s attack and puts him back up- springboard Super Rana gets the pin at (6:46).

hahaha JESUS! This is a D-show watched by nobody, and Juventud takes the opportunity to wrestle 8 minutes, get in all the shit he’s not able to do otherwise, springboards off the top rope FOUR TIMES, then whips out Japan style moves that leave Lynn neck-bumping like crazy. This guy is a psychotic idiot hahahah I love him. Lynn was good to go- his advantages were that he could bump like crazy and everything he did was smooth, making him a perfect opponent for a “get my shit in” lunatic like Juventud. But Juvi works hard, though- bumps like a motherfucker, sells for Jerry, folds himself in half off of a sell-job, and even remembers to jaw with the audience and pose.

Rating: **1/4 (spectacular for a D-show- just a MOVEZfest from Juventud, who finally has an opponent who will let him get EVERYTHING)

THE GREAT MUTA vs. LENNY LANE:
(WCW Main Event, Oct. 18th 1997)
* Yes, they brought in Muta & Chono and had them work with nothing but scrubs for weeks, lol. WCW, everyone! See in AEW today you’d see the top NJPW guys in disappointing matches with upper-midcarders or being fed to top guys, but in WCW it’s like “why job anyone good?” and so it’s the Power Plant Division on the D-shows being sent out to die. Muta is in the nWo at this point. Lane’s in silver trunks looking like a dollar store Chris Jericho, which always held him back.

Lane immediately wins an International with a dropkick, then armdrags Muta into a pithold. Muta armdrags out and stomps him, but Lenny soon comes back with a dizzying array of dropkicks and does the Jericho running facecrusher out of the corner spot. But he eats shit on a moonsault and Muta does his cartwheel handspring elbow, the same facecrusher Lenny did, and a dragon screw into… a basic-ass kneebar? And THAT’S THE SUBMISSION at (2:03), Muta putting him away with the most restholding of holds. This was a totally lazy by the numbers performance from Muta, eating some Power Plant-Fu before making a simple comeback with four moves.

Rating: 1/2* (not really a “squash” so much as an abridged version of the Randy Savage Template)