Outback Jack vs. Frenchy Martin (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a main event in any arena in the country for the featured match- OUTBACK JACK vs. FRENCHY MARTIN! Yes, the lowest heel on the WWF totem pole and the guy who was so bad they turned him into a jobber immediately after his debut, despite spending weeks building him up in vignettes to capitalize on Crocodile Dundee!

Next up, a very “2002 Era Hires” match sees Ohio Valley Wrestling showcase the new Disciples of Synn, Kevin “Seven” Thorn and Tyson “Travis Bane” Tomko, against “7 foot” Matt Morgan from Tough Enough, and Mark Henry when he was being punished for being fat! Another 1987 WWF match sees The Islanders & Sivi Afi against Slick’s wrestlers: The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff & Butch Reed in a rare six-man on WWF television! Then it’s a dark match featuring YOKOZUNA just before he got that gimmick, as he wrestles his last match as “Kokina”, doing a Samoan Savage gimmick shortly before being repackaged. Then it’s 1999 WWF as Tiger Ali Singh works against Steve Blackman on Shotgun Saturday Night! Finally, WCW Saturday Night sees High Voltage return to Dream Matches, as they face “Hardwork” Bobby Walker and “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton, poor Bobby just slumming it as his career winds down.

OUTBACK JACK vs. FRENCHY MARTIN:
(WWF TV, March 14, 1987 probably?)
* OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! A match that couldn’t POSSIBLY be good! Infamous washout Outback Jack taking on “only good enough to be a manager” Frenchy Martin. Jack’s in light khakhis and boots, while Frenchy’s got a super-dated 1950s singlet on, with a physique that says “He mightg have been good 20 years ago”. You can tell commentary wasn’t told to put either guy over because Monsoon has no rebuttal for Heenan’s “well I call him Outhouse Jack” and suggests Outback’s haircut “is very economical- it probably didn’t cost him anything”.

Frenchy uses the belt to turn around a grapple on Outback, but gets shoved down hard to the mat, then they stall until the crowd gets antsy, Jack repeatedly putting up his dukes and Frenchy backing off. Outback finally catches him with a decent back elbow off a whip, and Frenchy of course bails to kill more time, revealing this is an interesting WWF set-up- stairs that are SIDEWAYS to the ring, with a big ramp. Never seen THAT look before. Frenchy thumbs him in the eyes and “very methodically” starts to work over Outback with chops and punches- the babyface fires back repeatedly but Martin kind of ignores it and slugs back, like “not time yet, dumbass” or something. Martin throws some overhands into the corner but gets counter-whipped to the other side, Jack weakly sliding off of him with an elbow- he follows with some punches as Monsoon drops “I don’t think that Outback has in his repetoire the ability to work on a guy if he’s not on his feet- he keeps asking Frenchy to get up!”. Outback keeps gesturing wildly for Frenchy to get up after a hiptoss, then does his finisher- a big running clothesline, then demanding he get up and hits one to the back of the head. Yes, a Boomerang Clothesline. Except awkwardly interspersed by Frenchy selling on the mat and Jack having no way to drag him up for some reason. It’s done at (4:20).

Dreadful performance by Outback Jack, who hits very plodding brawling as his only gameplan. As bad as Frenchy could be, at least he knew how to SELL, so his half was entertaining. Watching him kick his legs and flop his head around off of every shot is funny. But too much of Outback’s persona and kit doesn’t work- like, at least PICK A GUY UP between clotheslines, or just make the first one a drive-by clothesline that’s lighter so the guy doesn’t take a full bump.

Rating: 1/2* (awful match- half Frenchy and half Outback. Neither has good offense but at least Frenchy could sell)

Dude looked like this and the best he got was “a few years in TNA”.

MATT MORGAN & MARK HENRY vs. THE DISICPLES OF SYNN (Seven & Travis Bane, w/ Synn):
(Ohio Valley Wrestling, Sept. 1st 2002)
* It’s more OVW! With a totally wacky mix of dudes- Matt Morgan is a 7-foot-ish roid freak who nonetheless ended up a total washout in the wrestling business despite being everything Vince ever wanted. Mark Henry is being punished for obesity and is thus screwing around in the farm league teaching guys how to work… a few years before he’d suddenly put it all together and become a World Champion. Seven is another total washout- Kevin Thorn, who was packaged as Mordecai, dumped, then returned under the Thorn name and was a midcard nothing for three years. And Travis Bane is the future Tyson/Travis Tomko, another roid monkey big dude the company would throw into a “Bodyguard” role and then discard. So it’s a really fun mix of guys with disparate careers. And oh my god what a sad look at this era of hires. I keep thinking this was the Johnny Ace era, but Jim Ross was still his boss back then. Maybe I should blame him, anyways? He was the director of talent relations back then!

This is so “small Southern indie” that Jim Cornette introduces us to a humble regular guy who is the SPONSOR of today’s show, but they are interrupted by Synn & Seven, coming out to Limp Bizkit because it’s the early 2000s. Seven is in a nifty red singlet with “spooky symbols”. “The Problem Solver” Travis Bane is in black trunks. Morgan’s in bright silver baggy pants, and Henry’s in a purple singlet. With “War Machine” and “Down With the Sickness” as the other themes, this is an edgy teen’s dream.

The psychology is established immediately as Seven gets shoved down out of a lockup with Henry, then goes for a TEST OF STRENGTH, drawing amusement from both Henry & Cornette on commentary. But Seven goes for a kick right away and ends up taking a really shitty Eddie Bump, barely getting any air. At least he kind of does the “heel flail” as he sells it, tagging out to Bane, who gets skooshed by Henry in the corner but dodges an avalanche. His “short elbow” follow-up is super-shitty though. He distracts the ref so Seven can neck Henry on the top rope, then does some “HHH Era” Punch & Kick action into a falling clothesline off Bret’s rope. Bane hits a clothesline, but charges into an elbow and eats a clothesline to the back of the head, and boy this dude is stumbly. Just very un-agile- he’s not meant to be going up against powerhouses. Morgan comes in and no-sells some shoulderblocks, then ducks Bane’s clothesline and blocks HIM down, actually looking way more athletic than Bane did despite being larger. Henry adds a Vader Attack & bearhug, but Bane’s selling is just awful- Seven comes in with an axehandle and a prolonged beatdown thanks to Synn’s distraction, but Henry blows through their double-team attempt (neither guy sells it much), then a double-clothesline has him blast through it and knock them both over. Hot tag Morgan, who nails both guys then big boots Seven- Bane saves. “If JR was out here, he’d be talkin’ about bowlin’ shoes!”- Cornette. Henry does the worst atomic drop I’ve ever seen (did Seven forget what they were doing, lol?), and he walks into Morgan’s Chokeslam finisher at (4:46). Synn comes in to slap Morgan, who gets the triumphant “Attitude Era Violence Against Women” finish of slamming her.

OOF- simply terrible performance from most guys. Tomko/Bane was one of the worst guys I’ve ever seen make TV here, just stumbling around and looking clumsy, occasionally having to be cajoled into position by opponents. Thorn/Seven was working a lot harder, having a lot of the motions down but not like… TIMING or any kind of charisma- he was often delayed with his sells and only doing the “puff his cheeks out” bit. He also doesn’t get any distance on his jumps, making his opponents’ moves look bad. Henry was his very “early 2000s” self- not very good. Morgan was actually TRYING and looked physically fit, here, but was kept out of the match for the most part (probably for good reason), allowing these little flourishes of his to look good. I mean, this place WAS a training promotion, so I get it- this is how guys get their reps in. But it doesn’t make for great TV.

Rating: * (a very poor match overall- most of the guys were just not good enough yet)

THE IRON SHEIK, NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & “THE NATURAL” BUTCH REED (w/ The Doctor of Style, Slick) vs. SIVI AFI & THE ISLANDERS (Haku & Tama):
(WWF SuperStars, March 25th 1987)
* Now this is a true rarity of a match! Sivi Afi alongside the Islanders, a year or so before he becomes the THIRD Islander… for about a week before he’s fired. They’re up against all three of Slick’s guys. Jim Duggan is at ringside for this one, and facepalms at the suggestion that he please rise for the Soviet National Anthem, and steps in to see the heels off with his 2×4. Jesse Ventura is aghast at him waving his ticket to justify this- “What does he think- there’s no rules to life?”.

Haku/Sheik start with an international, well-matched in size, but Sheik clips his ears out of a sunset flip and tags- Tama & Afi both do strikes to Volkoff’s arm off the top, Tama putting in like 5x the effort with his while Afi just hops down. Afi just gets swallowed up by the heels quickly, Reed hitting a back elbow that Afi sorta wusses into, going backwards. A slam just has Afi effortlessly roll over to Tama, who gets clotheslined by the Sheik. Tama quickly rolls under Reed and Haku’s back, rocking all three guys- Reed lands on his ass while Sheik is outta position for a clothesline because Volkoff was still in his way. Sheik eats a back elbow, but Afi’s back in and quickly gets booted. Butch comes in and hits the press slam and lol, SIVI AFI IS PINNED at (2:53) as the Islanders are too late on the break. The heels do a beatdown of the Islander team until Duggan just can’t take any more, and he’s back in for some fisticuffs and wild swings of the board!

Just too much match for these six guys, really- 6-mans need to have a kind of flow to them, and this was “too many guys in the ring” at all times, causing them to get in each other’s way, interrupt stuff, etc. They also had only three minutes to go, meaning everyone had minimal time to get their shit in (and the foreign guys were just slugs by this point, doing simple clotheslines only). Add that at Sivi Afi sucking (he’s tiny but can’t bump nor throw energetic offense) and you have a real problem.

Rating: * (kind of a mess)

KOKINA vs. RON NEAL:
(WWF Dark Match, 9/1/1992)
* Impressively, here’s a YOKOZUNA Dark Match. This is his final match as “Kokina” (they leave out the “Great”), wearing his Samoan-style short-tights/bare feet look, as he’s still got wild hair and a beard. I’ve never seen him so fat in this incarnation, before- Kokina was usually “300+ lbs.” fat, not nearing 400, but he’s still just a bundle of energy, circling the ring long before the bell sounds, like he just can’t wait to get into the fray. Neal has a great jobber look- just scrawny and helpless-looking, in red tights with a Confederate flag on his ass.

Neal makes like the Confederacy and gets easily launched across the ring, slapped around and tossed into the Eddie Bump as Kokina is all over the place still. He hits a clothesline and two bodyslams, then starts choking away, then biting. Neal has some great “oh GOD!” attempts at comebacks, just weakly throwing arms from his knees as he’s enveloped by the monster, and Kokina finishes him with a dramatic uranage into a HUGE running splash at (2:31). Complete devastation.

Interestingly, Yokozuna would be a MASSIVE character-switch for Kokina- instead of doing the “Wild Savage” gimmick, all energetic and moving around the ring, hollering, and doing “Samona Offense”. As Yokozuna, he would keep the thrust kick * uranage only, instead turning his offense to belly-to-bellies, ass avalanches and stuff. and instead of boundless energy, he’d be completely stoic- a frowny-faced killer who was immovable, rarely reacted to anything, and dispassionately flattened opponents, only rarely choosing to run. The dark match here was more of a squash to test his dominance- Kokina probably impressed them, but it’s funny to see how much his style had to change.

Rating: 1/2* (terrific squash; utterly one-sided with a hapless jobber- 4/5 on the Squash Scale)

One of the most forgotten acts of the Attitude Era. Even RUSSO didn’t give him any kind of stupid storyline to waste time in!

TIGER ALI SINGH vs. “THE LETHAL WEAPON” STEVE BLACKMAN:
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, Feb. 6th 1999)
* It’s TIGER ALI SINGH! The useless son of Tiger Jeet Singh, Tiger Ali was a hilariously bad worker the WWF actually tried with over and over again in the late ’90s before giving up- he tried to sue them for racial discrimination, but they probably just aired one of his matches to get it thrown out of court or something. He’s here with a perfectly North American accent ranting about “the superiority of my Asian culture!” while being billed from “The continent of Asia”, deliberately avoiding mentioning India… except he’s clearly waving the FLAG OF INDIA. Which he immediately uses to club Blackman as soon as he hits the ring. He’s in a black & red singlet, and is a BIG dude, too- clearly a ways bigger than Blackman. Though kinda out of place in 1999 WWF- his gear is more like a late ’80s dude.

The ref finally pulls the flag away from Singh and we’re off- Blackman is hurting, so Singh throws some weak corner kicks and a feather-light clothesline, then an overhead belly-to-belly. He does a floatover DDT and makes stupid “pursed lips” faces when the crowd chants “USA!” at him, then axehandles, but Blackman fires back with kicks and drops a lot of strikes on him on the ground. He has some decent “heel flail”, at least- he even points to his head after avoiding an Irish whip move, then promptly gets clotheslined over the top. Singh manages to crotch Blackman on the top rope, then shoves off the ref so he can stomp on Steve’s balls. Blackman finally ducks him and scores chops and a belly-to-belly suplex, then a spinebuster w/ rollover for two. Tiger blocks him on a monkey-flip and puts his feet on the ropes, but only gets two, and Blackman reverses a whip and hits his Pump Kick for the pin at (4:00). oof- bad execution there, as he looks like he only got it to Tiger’s shoulder and it came out very light instead of with proper force.

Just a weak “Shotgun Match”, with a healthy bit of “discussing the angles of the day”, as Rock/Mankind, Chyna and more are brought up. Neither guy was really that good at this point, with Tiger at least being able to sell a bit. If he’d been able to act like a piece of shit a little bit more, he’d have had a real “Honky Tonk Man” thing going, but he was just too big to be trying to sell like that, and had no charisma.

Rating: * (mostly slow going while they talked about the angles of the day, both guys babying their strikes)

HIGH VOLTAGE (Rage & Kaos) vs. BOBBY EATON & “HARD WORK” BOBBY WALKER:
(WCW Saturday Night, 03/07/1998)
* AT LAST, by absolutely zero requests, High Voltage RETURNS to my column! Rage & Kaos are in the midst of their super-jobbery run, but they’re against even LOWER-END jobbers- The Bobby Squadron! Fading legend Eaton and never-was Walker! Voltage are in matching black singlets with neon yellow lighting (one thing I’ll always give them- they put a LOT of investment in their gear… and pharmaceuticals). Eaton’s in purple and Walker’s in black, with a hi-top haircut that I am quite certain was out of style in 1998.

Walker starts with Kaos, and things actually go pretty well, with tightly-executed, if basic, stuff. Walker elbows Kaos out of a go-behind and locks the arm, then a no-sold shoulderblocks leads to Walker’s leaping forearm. Kaos bails and Rage elbows Eaton to avoid a wristlock, but Eaton comes back with that punch & a slam, then slams Kaos- lol I love how casual he’s being about this- clearly not putting a lot of physical effort into his motions or anything cuz it’s Saturday Night and he’s old. But Rage drop-toeholds him into a Kaos elbow. Rage adds a slingshot legdrop and really cranks on a chinlock- over to Kaos, who lariats Eaton off an Irish whip (that’s a weird double-team- like he’s standing right beside Rage and catches Bobby off a really short whip). Voltage choke him out using the ropes as Tenay & Walker put over how every time Bobby Eaton teams with someone there’s magic. Eaton gets a surprise neckbreaker and tags out, bringing in Hardwork Bobby for some weird clotheslines! Dig that bizarre flail after every movement! Eaton comes back in (“Well-rested” after 5 seconds on the apron, sez Hudson) and slowwwwlly follows Rage to the floor, but in a hilarious ending, Eaton goes into the post and Walker charges into the corner, so Kaos puts him on his shoulders for the High Voltage finisher- the Volt Meter (a Doomsday springboard cross-body this time) at (4:10). Lol, “If you can beat a Bobby Eaton tag team, you’ve really accomplished something!”. Somehow, High Voltage did not get a giga-push based off of beating Hard Work Bobby Walker & a sluggish Eaton. In fact, Kaos would be TEAMING with Eaton another year later!

See, I kid, but I always kinda liked High Voltage. They weren’t exactly GOOD, but for a couple of juice-monkey rookies, they tried really hard and put a lot of effort into their shit. Dig them cranking on waistlocks and chinlocks here- they want to get NOTICED. It didn’t work, and even trying their hardest they’re barely at the level of a bored, lazy Eaton (who is still doing things like swinging up his legs to sell a legdrop’s impact), but still! The finish was solid, if funny- Walker gets a hot tag and takes out both guys, but immediately runs into the corner and gets pinned like a jobber? Poor Eaton!

Rating: *1/2 (perfectly acceptable short tag match- Voltage tried and had some unique stuff, Eaton was his typical good self, and Walker didn’t ruin it)