Gorgeous George vs. Hans Schnabel (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have another treat- more RUSS DAVIS commentating 1950s wrestling, as Gorgeous George takes on surly Hans Schnabel in Chicago way back in 1950! Come see George be the first wrestler to have his own entrance music and do much of his “cheating heel” act in a carry-job! Then it’s over to Mexico as my search for more awful Giant Warrior performances sees him team up with YOKOZUNA (in his run as “Kokina”) and Canek against the lucha trio of Dos Caras, Tieneblas & Tieneblas Jr.! And I finalize the obsession with this shitty 7-footer by sharing ANOTHER match- one from Texas against Brian “Spanky” Kendrick! In Shawn Michaels’s indie promotion! Where Giant Warrior is now acting as Tiger Steele and is now a DIESEL rip-off! Then I found one more Eric Angle match as he takes on Johnny Spade in his OVW return from 14 months off for arm surgeries!

GORGEOUS GEORGE vs. HANS SCHNABEL:
(Chicago Amphitheatre, 11/03/1950)
* Yes, it’s time for more Russ Davis commentary in the Chicago Amphitheatre! My happy place! This is of course featuring one of the most influential wrestlers in history (if not #1 with a bullet), the Human Orchid- Gorgeous George! George is immediately my hero by huffily waving an ostrich-feather fan at the fans (“One of the— OH NO, Ostrich fea– well SHADES OF SALLY RAND! Puh-lease! Ostrich feathers, no less!”- Davis). “Say, aren’t we done up beautifully! Now George, don’t be sensitive because the customers are hooting and yelling!”. George, notably, is coming down to “Pomp and Circumstance”, I believe having invented the notion of a wrestler having his own theme song. Davis is beside himself, cracking up at “Yes, the robe is PINK”. George looks disagreeably at his nonplussed opponent, bows to the crowd, then tosses his “Georgie Pins” to them (kids are seen excitedly going for them). Davis calls out George’s tight curls, arranged in a little “halo” around his head, and emphasizes that George would not agree to wrestle until Schnabel swore he would let the hair be. The fans boo over the announcer introducing the Human Orchid. George of course makes a big fuss when the ref checks them over, insisting on getting a look at Schnabel, then acting aggrieved when the referee (Novak, who Davis points out “drives a taxicab” during the other eight hours he works- “And so he’s not known as a gentle person, either”). “Oh hello, a bustle if you PLEASE!” cries Davis as more of George’s regalia is uncovered- he’d assumed this was all a one-piece gown. haah Novak puts his hands on both guy’s shoulders during instructions and George just has this >:-[ look at him when he realizes it, causing Novak to pull his hand away, rolling his eyes in frustration. George also expresses annoyance at the whistles and hooting as he finally disrobes after 2 minutes of wasting time.

FIRST FALL: We’re off! Davis points out to the audience “don’t ever sell this boy short as far as actual physical prowess is concerned”, which is an important part of George’s persona. He actually looks to be in great shape, while Schnabel looks like a shaved gorilla- long arms, little tone but a physically hulking body. George circles, as if afraid to make overly much conrtact, and immediately trips Hans and pulls on his leg in the ropes for a “4” count. George of course demands a rope-break but when it’s his turn, tweaks Schnabel’s nose. George constantly moves like he has a stick up his ass- great stuff. He gets a hammerlock, but Hans uses the hair to throw on a headscissors that has George thrashing and convulsing, kipping up and running off all upset. He manages another hammerlock, yanking the hair very obviously, as Davis points out there are a lot more youngsters at ringside than he’s seen in a long, long while- he even cracks up noticing a kid just mowing down a hot dog in the front row, haha.

George’s face when he realizes the referee is making contact with him.

When Hans finally makes the ropes, George hits a huge kneedrop to his back, but Hans does a pretty poor sell-job, not reacting to the impact and just lightly holding his back when he gets up. George begs off from closed-fists, but lures him into a sneak attack. He gets a top wristlock (“Japanese” style apparently) but Hans pulls the hair to reverse and a kneelift sends George spiraling across the ring! George gets up all whiny and begs off again, but Hans keeps hammering his “tummy” with short clips and shoulder-checks, getting two. George whins about punches then of course does his own, working a front facelock against the lummox. George throws a pair of punches in a lockup, Hans responding by SHELLACKING him, George immediately flailing around with his arms all aflutter as Hans beats the shit out of him, but George punches him low and hits two Flying Mares (headlock takeovers) for the pin at (13:25).He of course registers as small complaint with Novak between falls.

SECOND FALL: We come back with George again begging off, sneaking in a messy O’Connor Roll but they’re in the ropes. Hans drops a knee across George’s adam’s apple, causing the Orchid to squirm across the ring and lie in the ropes (“Get up, George- you haven’t changed to a tenor”). George again uses begging as a cover for a sneak attack, diving in on an ankle-pick to trip Hans and work the ankle. Hans keeps going for the hair to lectures from the ref. Speaking of, George starts pushing off the bottom rope for leverage and gets ordered to drop the hold. Suddenly they burst out of a headlock with a double shoulder-charge and George hits the ropes and bounces all over the ring on the miss! MAN that guy can bump, haha. He flails around and whines at the fans on the ring apron, but comes back with some punches and Hans just WALLOPS him and scores a huge vertical suplex (with a hand on the chest instead of on the tights- called a “Blockbuster”) for the pin at (4:21)- we’re tied!

THIRD FALL: Hans immediately tears into George, smashing him with a knee & slam into the corner, but George is way in the ropes on the pin. George gets “loused up” on the big pole by the other corner when Hans slams him into that side, and presses the assault on the ring apron, losing his temper. The ref warns him off repeatedly, but Hans blasts George at the “10” count and when Novak gets in his way, Hans shoves HIM and that’s the bell at (1:04). Hans Schnabel is disqualified! NOOOOOOOOOOO even in 1950 they were doing Fuck Finishes!

The match was a pretty solid display of George’s abilities, but Schnabel was a bit of a lunk- largely immobile and just a guy for George to bounce off of. And bounce he DID- he was a veritable bumping machine out there, flinging himself around off of EVERYTHING, even if his own misses. Almost a literal broomstick match. Though it ended indecisively, the fans got to see their fair share of George getting a beating and lolling around, whining about how much pain he was in. They weren’t as excited as the match against Jesse James I reviewed in the past- that one had way more arguing with the crowd and a better opponent who could play off of George’s comedy.

Rating: ** (more of a mild amusement than anything- effectively George wrestling himself in his default match without as many gimmicks or chicanery)

DOS CARAS, TIENEBLAS & TIENEBLAS JR. vs. CANEK, KOKINA & EL GIGANTE WARRIOR:
(Mexico, Toreo de Cuatro Caminos, 2/9/1992)
* Hell yeah! Not only did i find another Giant Warrior match, but it’s one of those Lucha Trios Clusterfucks with YOKOZUNA as his tag partner alongside the lengedary Canek, against Dos Caras & the Tieneblas family. Kokina is merely “Super Fat” at this point- about as fat as Rikishi would later get but not at Yokozuna levels yet. Gigante is in his “Butch Masters/Giant Warrior” look- skinny with no muscle tone and black trunks with weak facepaint. Canek is a super-roided dude in green this time. Tieneblas is wearing the gear that was obviously the inspiration for Scorpion from Saturday Night Slam Masters- an inverted spade shape on his mask. The name means “Darkness” and both he & his son here are VERY tall, absolutely towering over Kokina (who is 6’0″-ish IRL)- I think Sr. is the portlier one in the black bodysuit, while Jr. is in silver. Dos Caras is smaller and in blue.

PRIMERA CAIDA: The rudos attack before the bell, but the big guys get run into each other and get dropkicked to the floor. Kokina jumps Caras from behind so Canek can bonk him, then Gigante comes in for a god-awful clothesline (catching him via the armpit). Gigante then smothers Tieneblas Jr. & Kokina slams him, setting up a mugging in the corner via the tag rope. Canek pulls him nuts-first into the post and Gigante slams Caras into Kokina’s belly- Caras tries a body slam of all things but Kokina yells out at squashes him for the first pin. Gigante pins Tieneblas Jr. with a side slam at (5:15) while Tieneblas is in an abdominal stretch, winning the fall. And then a tiny mini (looking all of 2 feet tall) comes out in an adorable fuzzy Ewok costume and the heels BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, Kokina tossing him (literally) to Gigante, who hits a fucking backbreaker, setting him up for Kokina to hit a running legdrop amidst the screams of the audience. Hahaha extra points for hitting the ropes TWICE to build up the horrible spot. Such assholes! They of course celebrate their accomplishment and the technicos have to haul the remains of poor “Chaparrito” out (his name is Alushe and he’s the Tieneblas’s mascot).

SEGUNDA CAIDA: Kokina/Caras go first, Kokina going for THAT LEGDROP again, but misses, hits the corner and gets dropkicked out. Gigante doesn’t fare well agianst the acrobatic Tieneblast Jr. Caras runs into a Canek spinkick & press, but Caras lands on him, then dodges Kokina’s splash so the boss takes it! Caras jumps on that pile while Gigante gets sunset flipped by Tieneblas Jr. trying to stop them, and it’s a double-pin for the technico win at (2:22)! Then they put Alushe on the pile and then let him throw running shots at Kokino (who, god bless him, sells them as agonizing).

TERCERA CAIDA: Gigante ignores some shoulderblocks from Caras to start, but sells big from a bunch of shots and goes into the post on the floor. Canek accidentally gets nailed by Kokina, but Caras accidentally lands on Tieneblas, and Kokina absolutely levels one of the refs with an avalanche when T Jr. moves, and that’s… a DQ win for the technicos at (1:48). Oh well! The incensed rudos hit a Powerbomb/Legdrop combo on Tieneblas Jr., but Canek is angry at his teammates and smashes their heads together! Gigante is dropkicked to the floor and Kokina eats a wheel kick and is saved from a further ass-beating by… the Samoan Swat Team! They’re eventually chased off the four-man beatdown by the noodle-armed good guys, but it turns into a couple minutes of brawling on the floor.

Well this was a spritely little affair! Kind of the Attitude Era version of a lucha match- 5 minutes, 2 minutes & 2 minutes and they’re out, complete with a DQ finish and little jobbing. They were in a hurry and just got out to further an angle. I can dig it, though- the main thing keeping me from doing more lucha on here is that every match is like a 25-minute affair (3 falls, lotsa dudes). Totally an easy night for most of these guys, too- most only took a single back bump. Gigante Warrior actually looked better than he ever has before or since, though! Which I found odd, but it’s probably because he just wrestled like a normal dude, taking bumps off of dropkicks and completely ignoring his height advantage. Like as if wrestling as an ordinary guy deactivates the “do-nothing slug” part of his brain and lets him operate like it’s wrestling school, I dunno. Kokina, like most of his 1992-ish matches, wrestled like he was putting together a tape to send around the world, even with only a few spots. The best bit is revving up off the ropes twice just to drop the leg on a toddler-sized person, lol. Just so unnecessary but builds the spot up so well.

Rating: **1/4 (not much to it- it’s quick and lots of nothing finishes- BUT it was a quick match with some good spots and fun post-match brawling so I’ll give it a decent rating)

HARDCORE MATCH:
SPANKY vs. TIGER STEELE (w/ Buffy):
(Texas Wrestling Alliance, Spring 2000)
* It’s Spanky! aka Brian Kendrick when he was just some indie darling. And Giant Warrior/Butch Masters is back in wrestling! But as a Diesel ripoff in a 2000 indie! Spanky looks all of 15 years old here, wearing normal-ass pants. Man, Steele repping Diesel 4 years after that run is just sad. I would only recognize this later but this is Shawn Michaels’ indie, as his first class of trainees worked here. If Spanky wins, he & American Dragon get a tag title shot.

It starts out okay enough, Steele powering Spanky around and ignoring an Irish whip attempt, but a big boot goes sideways as Steele slowly lifts up his foot and Spanky appears to DODGE it before suddenly arcing his head around to hit it on the side. Commentary has to try to cover for it, saying “Tiger’s so big all he has to do is MOVE and it’s liable to pick off Spanky”. Spanky avoids getting press-slammed to the floor and sticks & moves for a bit, but tries to pescado him and of course gets caught. He goes into the railing but keeps dodging and finally works over Steele with a garbage can (lol except for the leg shot Steele doesn’t realize is coming so he doesn’t react at all). Steele can barely sell at all, but hits the ring and catches a flying Spanky with a chokeslam and a legdrop gets two. We get the American Dragon namedropped at ringside and on to part two…

Steele grabs a cable and starts HANGING Spanky over the top rope and whips him around outside. This is weird because clearly Giant Warrior has IMPROVED since 1990, but like… he’s still just this blank-faced big guy wrestling as if he’s trying to remember which spots he needs to do, not actively trying to win or talking shit or anything. Spanky, a total noob, is writhing around, bumping his ass off, arching his back off impacts, etc.- he’s WORKING. Commentary mentions Shawn Michaels and the light bulb goes off in my head- this is SHAWN’s promotion! I forgot that Kendrick & Danielson were Shawn guys! Steele “runs into him” with a limp cable (it was probably supposed to be drawn taught) and sets up a table- Spanky counters a powerbomb but eats a DDT, then Steele puts Spanky up top, only to eat a tornado DDT onto a chair. Spanky cracks him with the chair and even hits one from the very top rope, then drapes it over Steele and climbs up and gets stopped by the Board of Education (two heels), one of whom takes a shitty side-bump through Chekov’s Table on the floor. Two more heels hit the ring as Dragon fights one guy, but a fat one gets launched onto Steele, enabling Spanky to hit a Five-Star Frog Splash to the chair on him for the pin (8:46).

Well it was a mess and Steele is obviously still awful, but not as bad as it could have been because Spanky sells pretty well even at this point, and Steele had kinda improved (in that he wasn’t a botch machine and never got lost). But still, the big guy was just aimlessly going from spot to spot with very little intensity or personality- ten years hadn’t improved his mind for the game much.

Rating: * (mostly for the Spanky bumps, a protracted heel beatdown, and a decent babyface comeback- a huge flying chairshot is a really believable way to turn the tide even with the size difference)

ERIC ANGLE vs. “SMOOTH” JOHNNY SPADE:
(Ohio Valley Wrestling, Nov. 2nd 2002)
* Tremendous! I find the only other Eric Angle OVW match I could see, and it’s against that dude who was seen in the stable of last week’s match! Johnny Spade lasted from 1998-2014 in the business without hitting that next level, and looks pretty much like the most “2002 male” possible, with a douchey li’l chin goatee, a weak chin & pointy nose, and arms without any tone on them. A great “luckless henchman” look. Especially as he comes out in a black ECW T-Shirt of Shame with torn off sleeves and leather pants. This is Eric’s OVW TV debut, having just come back from nine surgeries and 14 months off for an arm injury.

Johnny jumps Eric before the bell, hitting horrible overhand rights and raking Angle against the top rope. Eric gets him with a weak powerslam but is still selling, so Spade rakes the eyes as Cornette puts over what a sneaky bastard Spade is on commentary. Spade cheers himself on and throws a pretty solid straight right (with wimpy posture, though, defaulting to holding his arms in all tight like a surgeon afraid to touch anything before he operates), but Eric reverses a corner-whip and pulls him right into the Angle Slam for the win at (1:03). hahah Eric beat him in only two moves. WHAT A LOSER! Okay so Spade has weak offense but is a pretty great character- a hapless chucklefuck who sucks but is kissing ass to top heels so they have a worthless minion to throw at babyfaces. You need guys like that. Eric furthers things by whipping off the straps, Kurt-style, and Anklelocks a screaming Johnny until Basham & Damaja hit ringside and beat his ass, stretching his arm out while Johnny alternates between screaming about his injured leg and cheering them on hahahahahah I am now completely sold on Johnny Spade. What a fucking asshole.

Rating: 1/4* (just a half-minute of lame punches and then a finish. Not bad for a “squash”)

I promise I’m done reviewing Giant Warrior matches for the time being! I just find extraordinarily shitty wrestlers so FASCINATING! Their endless fuckups make me realize the good qualities and secrets of everyone else!