Dream Matches — page 3

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And I found a SPECTACULAR example of the wondrous weirdness of pro wrestling right out of the gate, with a classic All Japan Mish-Mash match featuring the future Taiyo Kea teaming up with THE NEW BLACKJACKS of all teams against Stan Hansen, Bobby Duncum, Jr., and The Giant Kimala! This is fascinating for several reasons- it has Stan Hansen against the who jacked his entire act in Justin Bradshaw, but it’s Bradshaw in his dreadful “New Blackjacks” phase, as indeed the WWF sent him & Barry Windham to AJPW for a tour! And Stan’s partners are Bobby Duncum, Jr., soon to be in WCW (making this a WCW/WWF dream match), and their partner is the second, shittier Kamala!

After that, I wanted to check out the original Blackjacks, so I find their WWWF Tag Title match against Dominic DeNucci & Irish Pat Barrett from 1975! A 3-fall hurricane of heel bumps and babyfaces swallowing them up! Then it’s over to World Class for a 1985 Dog Collar Match between “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and “Mad Dog” Buzz Sawyer! Come see manly men SLAPPING MEAT as they beat the shit out of each other with a chain! Then I find more terrible indie garbage as my look through old PWI 500s continues- come watch scrawny facepainted losers Slammer & Jammer take on “can kinda work” Danny Shannon & Steve Morton! Oh my god you know it’s bad when I email Maffew over it IMMEDIATELY. Speaking of, it’s 1997’s #500, Joey Rules, a fat-faced chubster doing a “Whiny Heel” schtick while being utterly unable to work, taking on Dr. Hurtz and teaming with Geoffrey Bravo to face Special Forces in some Unified Wrestling Coalition matches in New Jersey!

MAUNAKEA MOSSMAN & THE NEW BLACKJACKS (Barry Windham & Justin Bradshaw) vs. STAN HANSEN, GIANT KIMALA & BOBBY DUNCUM JR.:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Nov. 28th 1997)
* WHAT A FUCKING MATCH! The future Taiyo Kea, then a Junior-level Hawaiian wrestler in All Japan’s midcard teaming up with the NEW BLACKJACKS during their AJPW tour, and their opponents are the guy Bradshaw ripped his entire persona from, the second Kamala (a shorter, rounder guy) and BOBBY FUCKING DUNCUM? Like this is so incredibly bizarre, and exactly why I fashioned this column in the first place. The New Blackjacks were a sucky failure (as the company wanted to keep Bradshaw around and renewed a forgotten 1970s tag team with a washed-up Barry Windham), but they did indeed go on a tour in Japan- I have a comp tape of Real World Tag League matches from this time and they show the final 30 seconds of most of them, and I saw them there. The other team is just goofy- Stan Hansen was sorta fading from the top of the card, and here he is with 1980s legend Kamala, plus Duncum Jr., who was just about headed to WCW for a failed run as a generic tall Southern brawler (he’s one of the West Texas Rednecks people forget about). Duncum & Hansen were actually a team at this point, doing the RWTL together and beating the New Blackjacks. I wonder if Bradshaw had to alter his Stan-isms a bit considering he was in the company where Stan was god? This is, on paper, TOTAL ASS, as nearly everyone here is either past their prime or always sucked.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have TWO subsequent Bill Goldberg vs. Giant matches for the WCW World Title to pay off last week’s fuck finish match, plus more of my look through the PWI 500!

Interestingly, though, I found one of those oddball Nitro matches that WCW was amazing at- Masahiro Chono vs. Dave Taylor! Chono was one of the biggest names in New Japan, so him coming in to take on a JTTS with the UK style is hilarious to me. Also it’s a request, as Los Villanos take on ridiculous jobbers The Southern Posse on WCW Pro in 1997!

And then we go through the PWI 500, as Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, now a confirmed deviant, is next on the list and proves he’s a complete waste in the business as he does some lazy, unmemorable jobs to Mankind and TL Hopper in 1996! And then I find a roided-up indie guy named “Bodyguard For Hire”, active in the New York scene… and he takes on TYPHOON of all people in a bloody New York Street Fight in a puny hall! Tables, blood and really shitty worked punches galore!  I love wrestling!

WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
NO DISQUALIFICATION:
BILL GOLDBERG bs. THE GIANT:
(WCW Monday Nitro, Oct. 12th 1998)
* Goldberg gets a chance for revenge against The Giant (who got DQ’d via nWo interference two months prior) via this No DQ match on Nitro! He’s also at 149-0, making this a big hallmark for him, too.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a REAL dream match for you! …. on paper! See, it’s BRET HART and HULK FREAKING HOGAN against THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR and STING, which is like the all-time Dream Match… if it’s 1992 and none of them suck yet! Four huge main eventers in the business! Except 2 are totally washed-up, 2 have no heart left in them, and it’s a WCW Nitro main event from 1997-99 so you KNOW what’s going to happen. All to build for a PPV and mess with Vince’s RAW opposition! Then another Nitro main event from 1998, as the Giant faces WCW Champion Bill Goldberg!

Next up, it’s a new project I wanted to try… finding the PWI 500s full list (thank you, Kat Borne! I didn’t realize they were on Cagematch!) and doing matches featuring the guys in the #500 spot for each year! You can find some REAL drek in the last 20-25 numbers of these things, let me tell you! But also some future greats! On that note, come watch MORGUS THE MANIAC, #500 from 1992, take on Cactus Jack himself in 1991 WWA at Camden Community College! Both guys who “total psychotic nutjob” gimmicks, Morgus like an actual psychiatric patient, as Cactus prepares to head to WCW! Next up it’s #500 from 1993, Don E. Allen, notable ECW shinky-dink jobber! Here, he takes on 1980s WWF jobber Sal Bellomo in a squash, then teams with DUANE GILL of all people to job to The Public Enemy!

WARRIOR & STING vs. HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN & BRET “HITMAN” HART:
(WCW Nitro, Oct. 12th 1998)
* The most WCW thing imaginable- on paper one of the biggest Dream Matches of all time with four huge stars in it… but it’s WCW in late 1998 on a Nitro main event so it’s guaranteed to be crap with a fuck finish and nobody would ever remember it. Bret is his usual douchey heel persona where he always looks amused with himself, already having been turned heel less than a year into his WCW career when he was the most talked about person in the business the previous fall. Hogan is washed, as is Warrior. And Sting is himself such a mess behind the scenes they turned him into a lobster version of his Crow self and dumped him into the nWo Wolfpac as a non-speaking guy. Michael Buffer says “Together for the first time in professional wrestling history” about the babyfaces, thus proving that his announcing is built on a HILL OF LIES. This is of course the reunion of the BLADE RUNNERS, as Sting & Warrior had come up together as rookie roid-monkeys Flash & Blast, then Rock & Sting. Importantly, this is an impromptu main event- Nitro was famous for announcing these day-of, as was WWF RAW, as the two relentlessly counter-programmed each other. Naturally, RAW tonight featured ANOTHER Superteam battle- Austin & The Rock faced Undertaker & Kane (which also, naturally, went to DQ, lol).

Mike Tenay of course immediately brings up Sting & Warrior’s history (though has the date wrong on when they stopped- they were teaming in 1986 still). Sting is in his black & red bodysuit with the lobster-red Crow facepaint & long hair, while Warrior has on jeans and boots with fringe, plus one of those badass graffiti longcoats he was wearing at the time. I mean, *I* thought they were cool back then. Hogan’s in black & Bret’s in the usual, never having updated his look for the new company.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have more of “whatever shit online I could find”, as poster GARTH has offered me the most dreaded combination possible- DINO BRAVO as his bloated 1991 self against one of the worst big men ever, Giant Warrior, in Puerto Rico! Watch and be AMAZED at how much lazybones stalling and restholdery can be put into one match that people presumably paid MONEY to see!

Next up, get WHIPLASH from the difference in workrate as Rey Mysterio Jr. & Juventud Guerrera team up on 1997 Nitro to take on Psychosis & La Parka, and unload an entire Fire Pro Moveset on each other in six minutes! Then watch the Smoking Gunns fill a lazy TV match with the legendary WELL DUNN in 1993! And then it’s a FANTASTIC dream match if you know your Junior stuff, as New Japan’s Jushin Liger comes to All Japan to face legendary 1980s dickhead Masanobu Fuchi in 2001! And finally, a request, as I look into 2025’s PWI 500 #500 himself, CEREAL MAN, as he takes on Ricky Tenacious in an American Indie Sleaze comedy match, with a lethal box of TOASTED OATS as a weapon!

DINO BRAVO (w/ Masked Heel Manager) vs. GIANT WARRIOR:
(Puerto Rico, 1991)
* HELL YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I found the most glorious of all Dream Matches! Our poster GARTH has discovered this and inflicted upon you all! Giant Warrior, if you remember, is one of the “Land of Giants”- a pair of stringbean seven-footers who were so shitty even Vince McMahon & Eric Bischoff never hired them, and he did some stuff in Puerto Rico under this name. And of course he’s wrestling one of the infamously dirt-awful guys ever, DINO BRAVO! How bad is Giant Warrior? This match is relying on Dino Fucking Bravo to raise it above DUD. And judging by this being 1991 and his roid bloat being absolutely out of control, I’d say it doesn’t look good! He’s got black hair and red trunks on, making this my first “Dino with his natural hair color” match. Giant Warrior’s tall, skinny and in red tights, and is a babyface. This is one of those “ring in the middle of a baseball field” matches.

WCW THUNDER:
(March 8th, 2000)
* Welcome back to more Dream Matches! As I decided to go through some of the random-ass uploads the WCW Vault has been putting up… with WCW THUNDER! This eventually became kinda the bastard child of WCW programming, as important stuff happened on Nitro and the jobber squashes happened on Saturday Night, so they had random “quasi-filler” on Thunder, which gave us “Russo when he wasn’t trying”. This is actually BETWEEN Russo eras, I believe, as a consortium of bookers took over and had to make do with the wreck the company had been left in. WCW by this point was largely made up of Guys Vince Didn’t Want, Disgruntled Ex-WWFers, and Guys With Good Contracts, as any wrestler concerned with their career’s future would have otherwise jumped by now. This one features Jeff Jarrett defending the US Title against Vampiro, shortly before the Uncensored PPV! And OH MY GOD- The Mamalukes vs. Booker T/Billy Kidman vs. Harlem Heat (Stevie Ray/AHMED JOHNSON version) vs. The Harris Twins? I am in HEAVEN!

Plus we get the KISS Demon vs. Idol (Lodi), The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea defending the Cruiserweight Title against Psychosis, The Maestro vs. The Cat, and Dustin Rhodes vs. Lash Leroux! Oh, and since it’s just some random Thunder, I also grabbed a sequel to last week’s column, with the Road Warriors defending the NWA International Tag Team Titles in Japan against All Japan’s top team Jumbo Tsuruta & Yoshiaki Yatsu!

Our hosts are Mike Tenay & Bobby Heenan, now WELL into the “getting sauced weekly because he’s miserable” era.

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE:
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (w/ Paisley) vs. PSYCHOSIS (w/ Juventud Guerrera):
* Oh my god YESSSSSSSSSSS this is the good shit already! So Prince Nakamaki was the worst wrestler in WCW (a combination of bad look, no charisma AND a poor worker who couldn’t “work” the fans, meaning he was 0/10), and because his name had “Prince” in it, Russo of course gave him the timely gimmick of “making fun of Prince for that time his name was a symbol” (this was for about 7 years, due to a record company dispute). Paisley is an ex-Nitro Girl and future Mrs. Booker T, Sharmell. Oh and also Juvie is calling himself “The Juice” and ripping off Rock’s catchphrases while stumbling over his words… then says “La Vida Loca” to date this further. Psychosis is maskless, making him look like some generic guy in black gear with weird colors. Oh, but Juvi attempts to do commentary, but has a temper tantrum because hip-hop maskless Rey Mysterio Jr. is here to do the same, preventing Juvi from talking.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! The WCW Vault channel has uploaded all kinds of insane stuff I really wanna check out (full Thunders and Nitros!), but there’s just so many weirdo tag matches I wanted to check out first! Starting off with more of my look into the late Mo, as Men on a Mission face the Smoking Gunns TWICE in 1995! First off in March as they wrestle for the WWF Tag Titles, and then during the Summer! Then I find the WCW Vault carrying the Ric Flair vs. Eddie Guerrero US Title Match from 1996 Hog Wild!

Then it’s a WWF Pay Per View putting on an *NWA* Tag Title match, with the horrible New Midnight Express (Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart) taking on the ancient, withered, unover Rock ‘n’ Roll Express! And they absolutely fuckin’ DIE out there in front of a North Carolina crowd! Next up, the biggest “Road Warriors in Japan” match yet, as Hawk & Animal take on Jumbo Tsuruta & Genichiro Tenryu, the top two stars in All Japan Pro Wrestling, for their NWA International Tag Team Titles!

WWF TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE SMOKING GUNNS (Billy & Bart Gunn) vs. MEN ON A MISSION (Mabel & Mo, w/ Oscar):
(WWF Action Zone, March 12th 1995)
* It’s Men on a Mission getting another Tag Title shot! Oddly, a babyface vs. babyface match, Men on a Mission taking on the Gunns, who were turned into the new top babyface team after the Steiner Brothers left & Headshrinkers were dissolved. I THINK this match is the impetus for their heel turn, if I remember right. Their mohawks already being black suggests that. Seeing Billy Gunn with a slim face and no roid-bloat is weird. Both guys shake hands with Mo before we start, as the 6’4″ and 6’5″ Gunns are spoken of as needing to use their speed & agility against the larger team- 1995 WWF, folks!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I pay tribute to the deceased Robert Horne, aka “Mo” of Men on a Mission, with a pair of matches. First, a RAW prelude to SummerSlam as King Mabel & Mo face Diesel and the British Bulldog! Finding that short, I also looked up one of their first televised matches, as the Harlem Knights, then a pair of unnamed beasts, team up with the Memphis territory’s heel Brian Christopher as they face a three-man squad of jobbers in an extended squash until JEFF JARRETT comes out and decides it’s a Handicap match!

Next up it’s some promos featuring Memphis local the Dream Machine, as he both chokes a giant chicken and throttles LANCE RUSSELL in some great “unhinged heel” territory TV. Then I go to Japan to find Stan Hansen & Bruiser Brody in 1982 AJPW as they face Harley Race and Dirty Dick Slater! Afterwards, it’s 1988 All Japan as rookie John Tenta teams up with Yoshiaki Yatsu against Abdullah the Butcher and jobber Greg Brown! And finally, some sass from Tony Khan, as he uploaded Tyler Black (Seth Rollins) vs. El Generico (Sami Zayn) from 2008 Ring of Honor to the ROH YouTube channel a month ago!

DIESEL & “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY BOY SMITH vs. MEN ON A MISSION (King Mabel & Sir Mo):
(WWF RAW, Aug. 21st 1995)
* In honor of the late Mo, it’s one of his highest profile matches- a WWF RAW match against Diesel and still babyface Davey Boy. This was an impromptu match to build anticipation to SummerSlam, with Diesel/Mabel as co-headliners. The heel MOM are in purple, black & gold gear. Mabel talks tough but makes sure he’s not in there against Diesel to start.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I found all sorts of bizarre stuff, including some requests! First off, a wild All Japan tag match between AWA Champ Nick Bockwinkel and NWA legend Harley Race up against Stan Hansen and Bruiser Brody in 1984! Two of the biggest stars of the 1970s vs. two of the biggest from the 1980s! Next up, a match that I’ve read was part of the origin story of Ring of Honor- “The American Dragon” Bryan Danielson vs. Low-Ki in All Pro Wrestling’s “King of Pro Wrestling” tournament in 2001! Come see them wrestle for thirty minutes!

Next up, the TV debut of Kurt Angle in some podunk Memphis indie as he takes on “Yellowjacket” Kevin Lawler in 1999! And finally, a wild 1997 Halifax indie match between the future Edge & Christian, Sexton Hardcastle & Christian Cage, vs. Rick “The Model” Martel & Don Casablanca, aka Don Callis when he had hair and could wrestle!

NICK BOCKWINKEL & HARLEY RACE vs. STAN HANSEN & BRUISER BRODY:
(All Japan, 1984)
* AWWWWWWWWWWWW yeah, DNice turned me on to this one- a match of superstars! An 11-minute video with the biggest stars of 3-4 different promotions in 1984 All Japan? Sounds like a recipe for a good, clean finish! The crowd is chanting along to Brody’s “Huss!” like crazy. It’s still messing with me to see a relatively skinnier Hansen in those days. At least Race still has the pot belly and perm (the man is so badass he looks dangerous even with a perm!). Bockwinkel is like 50 here. He’s in white trunks, Harley’s in red, and Stan & Brody are in black.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have an AUTHENTIC Dream Match for you, as NWA Champion Ric Flair travels to the AWA in 1986 to take on legend Nick Bockwinkel in an NWA-style match for the belt! A fifteen-year age difference between the two champions! After that, I check out a bizarre 2001 WWF house show, where Dennis Knight attempts to repackage himself as a Dusty Rhodes rip-off “The American Dream” Tex Slazenger (his WCW name) against The Big Boss Man!

Next up, it’s a request, as I do the first two of a three-part series of 2001 matches between Low-Ki and “The American Dragon”, Bryan Danielson! Then I randomly found something from “Lucha Libre USA” as Lizmark Jr., the heel champion, takes on Shane Helms of all people! Come see Serious Indie Wrestler Helms go up against the former WCW jobber and now top bad guy!

NWA WORLD TITLE:
RIC FLAIR vs. NICK BOCKWINKEL:
(AWA, Jan. 16th 1986)
* Wait… an UNIRONIC Dream Match in this column as a headliner? Do I dare? Well howdy! This is an AWA match from Winnipeg, Manitoba, featuring Ric Flair vs. NICK BOCKWINKEL, the “Ric Flair” of the AWA for years. Tragically, this is Nick as a babyface, so we don’t get to hear his elitist piffle about how Flair doesn’t carry himself like a champion in his opinion or whatever, all drinking and carousing instead of reading like Nick would probably say he does- because he instead COMPLIMENTS Ric Flair, calling him “one of the most ARTICULATE wrestling machines the world has ever seen”. Okay even as a babyface he somehow comes of snobby, haha. Nick says he won’t give 110%, but 200%, but an educated man such as himself should be aware this is mathematically impossible. Ric Flair puts over the promoter Wally Karbo (GUESS HE KNOWS WHO’S SIGNING HIS CHECK TONIGHT), and even he talks about how great Bockwinkel is. It’s almost a shame- imagine these two raging dickheads unleashing their elitist heel personas against each other instead of this respectful garbage? Flair adds “We are not 300 lb. wrestlers. We are not 6’5″. We are professional wrestling at it’s BEST. We are wrestling technicians” SHOTS FIRED, VINCE.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a monster for you, as I have been wanting to check out those controversial NXT Main Events for a while- I remember one half of the BOD completely enamored with all the flashy moves and endless kickouts, and the other half pooh-poohing them and dismissing them as mindless “MOVEZ!” and doing kickouts as fake drama. Now to test my wrestling snobbery as I brave Adam Cole vs. Johnny Gargano for the vacant NXT Title in NXT New York… in a Two out of Three Falls Match!

Then it’s over to All Japan for a pair of ROAD WARRIORS matches! In both, they face the team of main eventer Riki Choshu and midcarder guy Yoshiaki Yatsu! The second time for the NWA International Titles! Come see just how wild the Roadies were in 1985-86. Then it’s “Ravishing” Rick Rude vs. Outback Jack in another of Jack’s matches as a jobber with theme music! And finally, it’s more World of Sport, as Rollerball Rocco takes on Marty Jones in a predecessor to the match I reviewed last time!

NXT TITLE (VACANT)
TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS:
JOHNNY GARGANO vs. ADAM COLE:
(NXT TakeOver New York, 04/05/2019)
* OH YEAH I REVIEW SOME NXT!! This was… highly divisive on the BOD. With Scott and others going *****, a lot of people dismissing it because of the MOVEZ nature of it, and even Meltzer going **** despite his adoration of those same MOVEZ. So I always wanted to check out some of this stuff, and see if I could be a wrestling snob about it assess it in a scholarly manner. This is from when NXT was like “WWE’s Indie”, with indie darlings doing indie-style matches packed with stuff (which some insisted were practiced ages beforehand, explaining why they were better than “Main Roster” stuff… of course now we know that referees dictate the entire match in the ring TO the wrestlers via road agents).

Gargano is a teeny-tiny bearded guy with a decent, if skinny build (those arm-veins show he’s on the gear), and an Iron Man vest (he’s billed at 5’11”, but unless the average height of the front front is 6’1″ that ain’t happening- the in-ring reveals he’s even shorter than famously puny Cole). I’ve never seen him before, so I’ll look at a last of his moves so I can know what’s supposed to be important, haha. Speaking of shorties, here’s ADAM COLE, famously bird-boned AEW star (he was dumped from WWE during the “Late Vince Era” and popped up in AEW to sell nothing and try to get babyface pops as a heel, turned babyface, then intermixed it all with months-long injuries). He looks pretty much like he does in AEW- thin-armed and a frail-looking body, only sometimes showing a flexed muscle. What’s really “this guy is a WRESTLER?” about him is actually that giant head- it makes his small body look even more off-putting. Those Boris Zhukov proportions but on a thin man. Looks like Gargano is the heel and Cole (“BAY BAY!”) is the babyface according to fan reactions. Cole’s in slate-grey trunks, Gargano’s in red with Indie Kickpads. Said to be 16,000 fans here in NYC.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have one of the most amazingly weird six-man lineups I’ve ever seen for you- I was so tickled when I was shown this. It’s HULK HOGAN, Mark “Rollerball” Rocco as Black Tiger, and friggin’ SAMU as “The Wild Samoan” against the top two New Japan guys (Antonio Inoki & Tatsumi Fujinami) and The Cobra! What a weird line-up!

Then it’s over to Mid-South in 1986 for Ted DiBiase & “Dr. Death” Steve Williams against the BLADE RUNNERS! Warrior (“Rock”) and Sting (“Sting”) back when they were nigh-immobile rookies and Death when he was barely capable, too! Then a 1999 Taka Michinoku appearance in ECW as he faces Super Crazy in a spotfest! Then one more Fit Finlay vs. Chris Adams match, in a totally different context, as 16 years after the last one I reviewed sees them wrestling on WCW Worldwide in 1998! Then finally, the last of my “looking at the terrible Quebec indie EWR” series, as the scrawny Hell Storm faces El Generico (the future Sami Zayn) in 2004!

HULK HOGAN, BLACK TIGER & SAMU THE WILD SAMOAN vs. ANTONIO INOKI, TATSUMI FUJINAMI & THE COBRA:
(New Japan, Fancam Footage, Jan. 7th 1985)
* omg omg omg YOU GUYS! You guys! Look at this! HULK HOGAN teaming with Rollerball Rocco! With Samu as a random extra foreigner! And it’s against the New Japan superteam (I like how you can tell two Japanese guys in black tights apart even in this horrible tape transfer because of Inoki’s damn chin, lol), plus Cobra! Hogan was a giant deal in Japan, and easily gets as big of a reaction as Inoki does. This match really lets you see what a goddamn monster Hogan really was, because next to Rocco he looks like a different species entirely. And Rocco is bigger than a normal-sized guy! Cobra is George Takano, a Stampede/Japan guy also in a mask, I think on Tiger’s tier in the pecking order. Samu, a nobody in Japan, seems like an obvious pin-eater.

WWF PRIME TIME WRESTLING:
(Feb. 18th 1991)
* Okay, so I have a full show of Prime Time here on YouTube- I’ve reviewed two of the matches already, but can add the other stuff to some other stuff I’ve found! Tonight: A Tag Team Battle Royal to determine the Tag Title contenders at WrestleMania VII! Earthquake vs. Tugboat! The Big Boss Man vs. The Barbarian! The debut of The Viking! Shawn Michaels vs. Crush! And squashes featuring Rick Martel & Texas Tornado! Also, I threw in more WORLD OF SPORT, as Mark “Rollerball” Rocco takes on Marty Jones in 1978 England!

Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, with Lord Alfred Hayes announcing them in front of a crowd of fans, who boo Heenan on queue. This leads to lots of unfunny gags, probably with a lot of Vince’s “being a TV comedy show host is THE BEST” ideas behind it. HAW HAW Heenan’s fly was open! What a boob! Heenan cracks that “there’s about a hundred cats out back” and has to explain it’s because the Bushwhackers eat sardines. And a horrible skit where two people in “old lady” costumes act as Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush on a tour of Washington. Mean Gene goes over all the scandals of the day (Iran/Contra, the “foot in your mouth” vice president) and the two “ladies” fight.

Different commentary for every match here.

TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL:
TITLE MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA VII:
DEMOLITION (Smash & Crush), THE BUSHWHACKERS (Luke & Butch), THE LEGION OF DOOM (Hawk & Animal), THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty), THE ORIENT EXPRESS (Tanaka & Kato), THE NASTY BOYS (Brian Knobs & Jerry Sags) & POWER AND GLORY (Paul Roma & Hercules):
* A look at how remarkably big the WWF’s tag team division used to be, this features every “name” team in the division but the champion Hart Foundation, and even a far diminished version of the roster has a lot of recognizable acts. If you’re tossed, your partner also has to leave, making it not quite a usual 14-man battle royal. One issue with this one is nearly everybody is wearing TONS of black- usually they were better about team colors.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I’ve found a bizarre bunch of outlier matches, including a sequel of sorts to last week’s stupid indie bumpfest featuring guys who can’t work… except it’s guys who CAN mixed in! So popular indie sensations AJ Styles and El Generico (Sami Zayn) actually go to EWR in Quebec to wrestle that indie dork Crazy Crusher, and my god it is FASCINATING to watch- two guys who can absolutely work having to work around a guy who can’t, putting him over and seeing what they can make out of it.

After that, a WWF Prime Time prelude to WrestleMania VII sees The British Bulldog and the Legion of Doom vs. The Warlord and Power & Glory! Some pharmacist be gettin’ RICH tonight! Then another PT match sees an extra-lazy Smash & Crush version of Demolition take on Tito Santana & Koko B. Ware, cuz they couldn’t find any babyface tag teams willing to job to Demolition before the PPV!  Then an AMAZING surprise, as I was looking up World of Sport stuff and found Baby Chris Adams vs. Baby Fit Finlay in 1981… and it RULES! Check out how nasty that little prick Finlay is and how defiant babyface Adams is against him! Then the last of “AAA in the WWF” as Hysteria, Maniaco & Abismo Negro take on Super Nova, Venum & Discovery on WWF RAW in a cold flippy match! And then it’s a WWF B-Show as Flash Funk takes on upcoming star Taka Michinoku during the Light Heavyweight Title tournament!

A.J. STYLES vs. EL GENERICO vs. CRAZY CRUSHER:
(Elite Wrestling Revolution, 09/04/2004)
* Oh yes- I have PROOF that Crazy Crusher, the indie idiot from last week’s ladder match, wrestled future superstars in the business. This is AJ Styles and Sami Zayn in their 2004, “Indie Skinny Guy” states. Both of course look 100 times as good as Crusher, who comes out in weird baggy “almost normal clothes but a close-up reveals a collar”, and holds up a sign that says “CRUSHER = RATINGS” (those “= Ratings” signs being a popular gag with ridiculous wrestlers, like WCW jobbers… and were intended to be ironic. and were a thing in 1997). El Generico is Zayn’s “Obvious Western guy pretending to be the Mexican Sensation luchadore). Born in Quebec, he can probably communicate with Crusher. Styles is then a TNA wrestler and in the X Division, so is a well-known-ish name and a good get for this podunk company, which is in the same tiny hall as the ladder match. Hilariously, the early lockup reveals that Crusher is so small that AJ STYLES of all people looks huge beside him.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have a double-whammy of spectacular idiot indie wrestling, as both Maffew & Manjiimmortal gave me terrible indie spotfests to review! Both ladder matches! It’s Hell Storm vs. Crazy Crusher (a Quebecois indie guy with wins over AJ Styles & Kevin Owens) in a 26-minute Jackass-tier match, and Chri$ Ca$h vs. Joker in Combat Zone Wrestling’s Cage of Death V in 2003!

Then it’s a FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as the great Phil Hickerson is back at it, as he teams up with Giant Hillbilly (Plowboy Frazier/Uncle Elmer) against Fire & Flame… two obese Southern heels in garish red & yellow outfits! I love it! Also it’s the Smoking Gunns up against the Heavenly Bodies in 1994 WWF! And finally, more 1997 WWF lucha, as Super Nova & El Mosco are sent out there to fill time on WWF RAW! Maybe one of the most obscure RAW matches you’ll find!

AWA SOUTHERN TAG TEAM TITLES:
FIRE & FLAME vs. PHIL HICKERSON & GIANT HILLBILLY:
(Memphis, Aug. 23rd 1986)
* OH MY GOD not only do I get a Phil Hickerson appearance to review, it’s a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!! Fire & Flame are the AWA Southern Champs and doing a thing where they have to wrestle a mystery team every week. This annoys both of them. Fire & Flame are wearing masks and grotesque 1980s WWF-style matching tag gear, with red bodysuits with fire on the thighs and YELLOW SINGLETS on top- it’s fucking beautiful. Speaking of, here comes fat-tittied Hickerson in blue tights, with Giant Hillbilly and OH HELL YES IT’S UNCLE ELMER!! Elmer can barely get on the ring apron.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a smorgasbord of weirdness for you- more Ultimate Warrior & Sting in Memphis! Masato Tanaka vs. Hayabusa in FMW! And PHIL HICKERSON!

But yes, first I found a match Maffew recommended- it’s Masato Tanaka & Hayabusa in FMW having the matches Teen Jab always imagined in his head, piling on ALL THE MOVEZ as they get all the big, crunchy offense and brain each other for 23 minutes of 2.9 counts! Then it’s over to 1985 Memphis, as JIM HELLWIG & STEVE BORDEN debut for the promotion as humble juice-monkeys, admiring the local girls of the territory and taking on some jobbers who have absolutely NOTHING to work with against these two immobile green slugs. Then a look to months later as the now-heel Hellwig & Borden are the BLADE RUNNERS, Road Warrior knock-offs with black lipstick, working against the mighty Phil Hickerson and Billy Travis in a tragically-clipped match!

Next up, it’s part of the WWF’s foray into LUCHA LIBRE, as they hire some AAA scrubs to fill time- I wanna get to as much of this as I can, but most notable is this Shotgun Saturday Night match where the former Power Rangers-knockoff “Power Raiders” team take on their heelish counterparts in a ludicrous no-selling Flippy Match that has Jim Ross noticeably bitching on commentary! Finally, a bodyguard-less “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase takes on the mighty Tugboat in a 1991 Prime Time match!

MASATO TANAKA vs. HAYABUSA:
(Frontier Martial-Arts Wrestling, 3/13/98)
* Maffew recommended this in his FMW reviews, so I figured I would take a look at it! In part because I’m actually curious about Hayabusa’s FMW stuff- while I’ve always liked what I saw, I only saw him in other promotions. I just rarely ever saw ANY stuff from FMW. These are two of FMW’s top guys, depending on whether or not Atsushi “Mr. Liar” Onita was retired that week or not. Hayabusa was left being the Ace in Onita’s absence, and was apparently pretty beaten up by the style. Meanwhile, here’s a guy who wrestles so rough I’m shocked his even alive today, Masato Tanaka! Even here he’s covered in battle wounds. Hayabusa’s in brown “Sabu pants” and fairly slender, while Tanaka is fireplug-ish in long black trunks.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have my favorite Phil Hickerson clip, as he tears into a young, cocky Jim Hellwig (pre-Ultimate Warrior) and his buddy Steve “Sting” Borden, dismissing both as know-nothing roid-monkeys who don’t know how to fight OR wrestle, and demonstrates it by kicking a young Jim’s ass! This is a great TV segment that shows the “reality”, a bit of shaming of big juice guys, and a good TV angle once things fall apart. Also Phil gets one of the all-time digs on muscle wrestlers that has to be heard to be appreciated.

Next up, it’s Brian Pillman as the masked “Yellow Dog” teaming up with Bobby Eaton vs. Ric Flair and The Diamond Studd on WCW Saturday Night, back when Scott Hall was still trying to make it work on a national stage! “Macho Man” Randy Savage, freshly babyface, disappointing Jesse Ventura on commentary as he takes on JTTS Tiger Chung Lee! A UPW match as 1-year veteran John “The Prototype” Cena on ALL THE STEROIDS takes on Crash Holly in what was probably a tryout! And finally, the most depressing match ever, as four floundering careers collide with a rookie’s as The Road Dogg & K-Kwik team up against Lo Down- D-Lo Brown & Chaz Warrington managed by Tiger Ali Singh and wearing NEON SULTAN GEAR right out of 1993 as their careers die before our very eyes!

JIM HELLWIG (w/ Steve Borden) vs. PHIL HICKERSON:
(Memphis, 1985-86)
* It’s THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. PHIL HICKERSON!! Of all the things to find. Someone showed me this one when I was gushing about Hickerson’s fat slobbiness a couple weeks ago on the BOD, so I just had to cover this one. And here’s Hellwig on ALL THE STEROIDS, impossibly being even MORE juiced up than he was in his WWF run! I mean, he’s an absolute brick wall at this point, trading the ripped-ness for stacks of muscle. He and partner Steve Borden (Sting) stand there with Lance Russell, Jim doing all the talking as he brays with a great “smartass smirk” about how “when you take into account our physiques- the rock-hard muscle”, they should be higher on the card compared to “all the fat people. Like the KING of the Fat Dude Wrestlers, Jerry Lawler, or Phil Hickerson- you know neither of THEM have seen the inside of a gym!”, drawing out Hickerson himself with all the venom in the world.

Phil slowly works himself up, initially stuttering and pointing out that “You got no right” talking to him like that, and “I tried to help ‘yall”, but the reason they’re not getting title shots is because “you’re GREEN and you don’t know HOW to wrassle! The only thing that you know how to do, brother, is how to pull them britches down and put steroids in them BOOTY! That’s the only thing that you idiots know how to do!”. Hellwig laughs him off, claiming he’ll put Phil’s head inside his huge bicep and “squash it like a ripe tomato”, setting off Phil’s “You don’t scare me one damn bit, brother, because one thing about it- I can WRASSLE and I can FIGHT, and that’s something you can’t do! You can not do EITHER ONE, and that’s why you’ll be wrestling the first or second match the rest of your damn life!”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I found a ton of fun stuff this week, including more of the guys I’ve been checking out lately! But for starters, we have a WCW Lethal Lottery match with the mighty Road Warriors split up on different teams! It’s Road Warrior Hawk with Lex Luger against Road Warrior Animal and Booker T! Booker is a heel who hates the Warriors, and Luger is a twerpy tweener guy, so this has some real intrigue to it! Next up, it’s another Ricki Starr match, as the “sissy” ballet dancer babyface takes on hapless lug Hans Hermann, a burly Nazi who is OUTRAGED at Ricki’s schtick and takes no end of cartoonish pratfalls over it!

Then it’s a wild Japanese tag match, as All Japan’s Real World Tag League gives us Jumbo Tsuruta & Yoshiaki Yatsu… versus PHIL HICKERSON AND JERRY BLACKWELL! The massively fat American heel squad provide quite the contrast to the Ace duo, but they perfectly play off of Blackwell’s obesity and have a fun match! Then it’s an indie showcase, as Combat Zone Wrestling has a 4-way between Kevin Steen (the future Kevin Owens), Mike Quackenbush, B-Boy and Super Dragon! That’s right- I find more SUPER DRAGON stuff to watch, some dude I’ve never heard of, plus a pre-fat Kevin Owens and a comedy wrestler! And finally, I’m convinced to check out Kaiju Big Battel- a tokusatsu-themed comedy promotion from New York, as American Beetle takes on Call-Me-Kevin, as two dudes in suits fight over a box of “Rucky Charms”.

LETHAL LOTTERY:
LEX LUGER & ROAD WARRIOR HAWK vs. BOOKER T & ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL:
(WCW Slamboree, 1996)
* One of my favorite gimmick concepts ever is the Lethal Lottery- “random” tag teams thrown together in bizarre, one-time only contests. Like, a whole PPV of that concept is stupid and it’s why it never worked, BUT when else are you going to see Hawk vs. Animal alongside Luger & Booker T? It’s completely wild! This is ages before Booker’s big WCW solo push, so he’s effectively “the good worker in Harlem Heat”, with the Road Warriors’ legendary team split up and they’re made to fight each other. Plus Luger, who always had a big push going. Luger’s in black trunks, Booker’s in a slick blue outfit (only Harlem Heat ever wore outfits like this with the thin straps on top, tied at the center), and the Warriors are in black tights- I missed their “grey over red” spikes period- very “WWF Corporate Toy” design.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First up, I have a very good TV match between World Champion Ric Flair and Beautiful Bobby Eaton in a rare singles match from 1990! Come see how they fill a 20-minute segment with a midcarder against the Champ! Then it’s a wonderful TV angle from 1984 Memphis, as the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express are up against the Southern Tag Team Champions, Phil Hickerson and the Spoiler, embarrassing them in non-tittle matches twice before the heels put the belts up.

Then I take a look at some amazing 1950s wrestling, as Ricki Starr, a prancing ballet dancer BABYFACE, embarrasses burly heel Frank Fozo in a 1950s comedy match that has the audience in wild hysterics! Finally, it’s more of indie “legend” Super Dragon, as he faces Christopher Daniels, who tries his level best to move his clunky-ass opponent around the ring!

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
RIC FLAIR vs. BEAUTIFUL BOBBY EATON (w/ Jim Cornette):
* It’s Eaton vs. Flair in a World Title match! I didn’t realize this had happened. Eaton was kind of idealized as a tag team wrestler- not a lot of promo ability and he looked like someone’s dad (albeit one with a great right hand), but he was a terrific worker. Flair is the babyface Champion, coming out in purple trunks- Eaton’s in white tights, with the world’s longest mullet.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a mostly WCW-leaning assortment, but also pulled out a Moxley/Danielson DGUSA match! First up, though is a FANTASTIC defining match for The Giant back when he was only in his first year and yet WCW World Heavyweight Champion! Here he takes on Scott Steiner, who does a great job putting over the newbie, making it look hopeless until it isn’t, then making him look like a million bucks on the way out! And Giant holds his own with the monster selling, too!

After that, it’s a WWE/WCW Vault upload as Mean Mark takes on Lex Luger shortly before Mark jumps ship and becomes the Undertaker- come see just HOW limited both guys were at this time! Then it’s 1999 WCW with a risk-taking Juventud Guerrera vs. Psychosis match, with some INSANE bumping and a hell of a finish! Then it’s Dragon Gate USA doing a small indie show with Bryan Danielson facing a goofy, wriggly heel Jon Moxley years before they’d form a stable together and then Moxley would try to single-handedly bury the entire company of AEW! Finally, it’s more of Outback Jack’s jobber years, as he takes on new dastardly heel “The Natural” Butch Reed!

WCW WORLD TITLE:
THE GIANT (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. SCOTT STEINER:
(WCW Nitro, June 17th 1996)
* Oh man! On paper this sounds remarkable- the nigh-unstoppable rookie Champion of WCW and he’s going up against one of the most credible tag team wrestlers in the world, and a guy even then fans were clamoring for more of- Scott Steiner! The Giant is of course a young, skinny Paul Wight in the most successful rookie year ever- green as grass but grim and a serious threat. I’m actually seen very, very little of him at this point, and Bobby Heenan puts over how successful he is so young. Scott is in a black & pink bisected singlet, and has his ribs taped due to an earlier attack. The Giant at this point doesn’t have much stage presence, but his size alone is impressive, and he’s clearly trying to under-act a bit, seeming unimpressed with everything. Probably better than overdoing it at this point.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, a search for Black Tiger stuff ended up finding the SECOND incarnation, Eddie Guerrero, fighting for the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship in Japan against Sabu! I didn’t even realize Sabu was the champion at one point! And finally, at last, I find out of my Dream Matches Holy Grails on YouTube, as the WCW Channel uploads JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. REESE from 1998’s Great American Bash! One of the great wild mismatches and styles clashes!

Next up, it’s another look at Outback Jack, as his jobber phase continues with a squash at the hands of Ted DiBiase! Following that, a true rarity sees SUPER CALO “jump” to ECW, where he’s immediately fed to their own established “Super C___”, Super Crazy! Then one of those bouts you see periodically in the WWF since they have some Michinoku Pro guys- Taka Michinoku against the Big Boss Man in a heel vs. heel Jakked match!

IWGP JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
SABU vs. BLACK TIGER:
(New Japan, June 12th 1995)
* !! I went looking for some Rollerball Rocco as Black Tiger stuff but the first thing that popped up was THIS- Eddie Guerrero’s run as the second incarnation of the “Evil Tiger Mask”, when he was IWGP Jr. Champion… and here he is against SABU! I mostly recall Sabu’s FMW and All Japan runs, so it’s weird seeing him turn up holding New Japan’s belt. I guess I don’t know that lineage at all cuz I was expecting Eddie to be Championl. Uhhhhh looks like he was in New Japan more than anywhere else in ’95, too! 64 matches! I’m told this is the cause of that time Paul Heyman came out and publicly shat on Sabu for bailing on an ECW Arena show to do a New Japan tour.