Taiyo Kea & The New Blackjacks vs. Stan Hansen, The Second Kamala & Bobby Duncum, Jr. (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And I found a SPECTACULAR example of the wondrous weirdness of pro wrestling right out of the gate, with a classic All Japan Mish-Mash match featuring the future Taiyo Kea teaming up with THE NEW BLACKJACKS of all teams against Stan Hansen, Bobby Duncum, Jr., and The Giant Kimala! This is fascinating for several reasons- it has Stan Hansen against the who jacked his entire act in Justin Bradshaw, but it’s Bradshaw in his dreadful “New Blackjacks” phase, as indeed the WWF sent him & Barry Windham to AJPW for a tour! And Stan’s partners are Bobby Duncum, Jr., soon to be in WCW (making this a WCW/WWF dream match), and their partner is the second, shittier Kamala!

After that, I wanted to check out the original Blackjacks, so I find their WWWF Tag Title match against Dominic DeNucci & Irish Pat Barrett from 1975! A 3-fall hurricane of heel bumps and babyfaces swallowing them up! Then it’s over to World Class for a 1985 Dog Collar Match between “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and “Mad Dog” Buzz Sawyer! Come see manly men SLAPPING MEAT as they beat the shit out of each other with a chain! Then I find more terrible indie garbage as my look through old PWI 500s continues- come watch scrawny facepainted losers Slammer & Jammer take on “can kinda work” Danny Shannon & Steve Morton! Oh my god you know it’s bad when I email Maffew over it IMMEDIATELY. Speaking of, it’s 1997’s #500, Joey Rules, a fat-faced chubster doing a “Whiny Heel” schtick while being utterly unable to work, taking on Dr. Hurtz and teaming with Geoffrey Bravo to face Special Forces in some Unified Wrestling Coalition matches in New Jersey!

MAUNAKEA MOSSMAN & THE NEW BLACKJACKS (Barry Windham & Justin Bradshaw) vs. STAN HANSEN, GIANT KIMALA & BOBBY DUNCUM JR.:
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Nov. 28th 1997)
* WHAT A FUCKING MATCH! The future Taiyo Kea, then a Junior-level Hawaiian wrestler in All Japan’s midcard teaming up with the NEW BLACKJACKS during their AJPW tour, and their opponents are the guy Bradshaw ripped his entire persona from, the second Kamala (a shorter, rounder guy) and BOBBY FUCKING DUNCUM? Like this is so incredibly bizarre, and exactly why I fashioned this column in the first place. The New Blackjacks were a sucky failure (as the company wanted to keep Bradshaw around and renewed a forgotten 1970s tag team with a washed-up Barry Windham), but they did indeed go on a tour in Japan- I have a comp tape of Real World Tag League matches from this time and they show the final 30 seconds of most of them, and I saw them there. The other team is just goofy- Stan Hansen was sorta fading from the top of the card, and here he is with 1980s legend Kamala, plus Duncum Jr., who was just about headed to WCW for a failed run as a generic tall Southern brawler (he’s one of the West Texas Rednecks people forget about). Duncum & Hansen were actually a team at this point, doing the RWTL together and beating the New Blackjacks. I wonder if Bradshaw had to alter his Stan-isms a bit considering he was in the company where Stan was god? This is, on paper, TOTAL ASS, as nearly everyone here is either past their prime or always sucked.

Bradshaw & Duncum start us off, doing some FIGHTY LOCKUPS as they push each other to the corners- Bradshaw can’t get a big boot at gets backdropped to the floor. A good elbow-slugfest sees Bradshaw tag out to Windham, who suplexes Duncum for two. Hansen comes in but gets his wrist worked, then Mossman scores some high kicks as Stan grimaces in pain. He catches a kick and punches Mossman in the face to drop him- good old tactics always work. Mossman gets dumped so Kimala can beat on him while Stan warns Bradshaw to “watch that camrea” as he tries to push through bodies on the floor to get at the other team. Duncum eats a LOT OF slappy shots to the back and Mossman hesitantly gets back in, quickly tagging out- Windham eats a Stan elbow and they slug it out until Kimala comes in for a double-chop. Kimala works Windham over with headbutts but nearly takes the Slaughter Bump, spiking himself on the ringpost with a wild avalanche missing. Bradshaw just comes in and shoves the poor guy right to the floor in a CRAZY bump for such a fat dude. Poor guy is donezo on the floor and doesn’t seem to want to move AT ALL even as the other guys work him over out there. He shouts out in pain at the mere possibility of having to move before he’s rolled in and takes a hilariously over the top bump off a big boot, spinning around and doing a Superman pose as he flat-backs as the crowd groans. Big double-suplex from the Blackjacks get two as he continues to howl out in pain.

Kimala gets the biggest pop so far by coming back with a screaming lariat to Windham. Duncum’s in but immediately eats a flying shot from Mossman, but no-sells him and hits a big boot & suplex for two. Powerslam gets two, so he & Stan do a double-elbow and alternate elbowdrops on him for two. Mossman tries to fight back on the floor so Stan just rolls him back in for another elbowdrop and a suplex. He gears up the Lariat, but Bradshaw kicks him to set up Mossman’s DDT and FINALLY… FINALLY!!! We get Bradshaw vs. Hansen! Bradshaw is immediately all fired up, hitting a big boot & elbowdrop for two, everyone hitting the ring. Haha I think Kimala just legdropped nothing, then ignores Mossman’s knees and dumps him. Bradshaw tries to finish Hansen with a running lariat in the corner, then comes off Bret’s rope for two- Kimala breaks it up. Bradshaw calls something and swings his leg right over Stan’s head, and Hansen hits the ropes with a head of steam, only to be clocked by Windham on the apron- aw, the fans were geared up, ready for a Lariat. Bradshaw preps the pumphandle slam, but Duncum comes FLYING in with a huge flying lariat that pops the fans! Then Stan preps the Lariat, but misses and takes a big boot again, but comes back off the ropes with the OTHER arm, and the Western Lariat finishes Bradshaw at (12:37). Stan is the superior lariat-er (not that Bradshaw had the balls to do Stan’s own move to him).

haha what a MESS. It looked like nobody really wanted to work with each other or just weren’t interested in working hard on a house show, so everyone’s just kinda no-selling or firing off very stiff safe shots to the back (they make lots of noise but aren’t debilitating), and instead of fighting hard just get tired/bored after the first fight on the floor and switch to doing slow-moving one on one brawls out there instead. Kimala takes a monster bump and largely cries out in pain while staying stock-still, then suddenly does a cartoon bump & comeback and crawls off (in presumed agony- I think he went straight from the top to the floor on that bump). Duncum freely ignoring Mossman’s stuff (tbf it’s a big dude taking on who was then a Junior Heavyweight), a few guys getting their momentum stopped in ways it seems like they didn’t expect, and more. Comebacks felt lazy and everyone was doing elbowdrops and vertical suplexes as default offense, probably not trying to try difficult stuff. Duncum flying in got the biggest reaction all match, then Stan scores the finsih on a dazed Bradhshaw, who can stop the first one but wasn’t planning on the second.

Rating: ** (a few neat points, but Lazybones Wrestling the whole way through, looking awkward and so deliberately slow that the fans quieted right down for the entire thing save 2-3 good moves)

WWWF WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
2 OUT OF 3 FALLS:
DOMINIC DENUCCI & IRISH PAT BARRETT vs. THE BLACKJACKS (Blackjack Mulligan & Blackjack Lanza, w/ Lou Albano)
(WWWF, Aug. 26th, 1975)
* I wanted to check out Barry’s dad’s incarnation, and here’s the Blackjacks getting a title shot against Mick Foley’s trainer (DeNucci), and an Irish guy I’ve never heard of! Barrett looks absolutely PUNY in there, dwarfed by every other wrestler. The Blackjacks are HUGE, of course- Mulligan was billed at 6’8″ and Lanza is just a bit smaller.

FALL ONE: The babyfaces attack before the bell, sending the fans into a frenzy- I always get a kick out of the monstrous Blackjacks being chickenshit heels, fleeing opposition. DeNucci overpowers the hapless goofs with ease, cranking on headlocks- he & Mulligan backdrop each other, then Barrett cranks on his own headlock to get the fans to chant in time with each twist (I love how Mulligan can’t escape when he openly releases). Cross-body gets two, but DeNucci picks a fight with both heels and gets swarmed. Albano adds punishment of his own as Barrett keeps running in, eventually getting the tag and teeing off on the Blackjacks, who get run into each other and Barrett pins Lanza with the Irish Cannonball (jawjacker but skull-to-face) at (5:13). Albano even eats a haymaker from Barrett and Mulligan slams a chair in frustration as the fans go BANANA.

FALL TWO: Lanza is completely hapless as DeNucci easily outfights him, Lanza cartoonishly flailing around. But he stumbles into Mulligan and grabs DeNucci’s trunks, allowing Mulligan to hit a back elbow at (0:55) to tie it up already!

FALL THREE: DeNucci immediately recovers and wins this massive slugfest with Mulligan, who stumbles back so Lanza can come in with some tight punches to the throat. Albano gouges the eyes in full view of the referee as Lanza pours it on, so Barrett sends him scurrying away like a coward. DeNucci goes into Mulligan’s boot, but knocks their noggins. Lanza gets clobbered for two, and Barrett rolls over Mulligan backwards and knocks him over, putting on a leg submission. Lanza breaks it up, then then pin after an airplane spin from DeNucci. Mutual tags see Barrett bounce Lanza around (Lanza is spry for a big dude, especially as Barrett is all over the place), then DeNucci airplane spins HIM, Mulligan breaking the pin. The Irish Cannonball sends Lanza hilariously bouncing into the turnbuckle, flat-backing, but the ref is distracted by DeNucci, allowing Mulligan to come off the top rope with a kneedrop to the neck, and the Blackjacks score the Tag Team Titles at (3:26)- new Champions! Lanza after the bell puts themselves over, saying “You just witnessed what good, clean sportsmanship, hard work and talent” can accomplish. haha, what a DICK.

Quick night of work! Less than ten minutes across three falls, which is SUPER short compared to nearly any promotion I could think of at this time. The Blackjacks as hapless boobs is always funny to see, backrolling off of shots from the dwarfish Barrett and being easily overpowered by DeNucci, needing to use dirty tactics to win. This kind of reads in every pre-1980 WWWF match I’ve seen, with heels only taking the lead by cheating and quickie falls off of weaker nonsense than the other promotions were doing (a regular back elbow gets a win in 55 seconds?). DeNucci seemed fine but generic, doing nothing interesting, while Barrett was a ball of energy but zipping all over the place in confusing manner, Lanza having to struggle to keep with where he was.

Rating: ** (amusing but not really excellent- just the heels being goofs and scoring some dishonest wins)

DOG COLLAR MATCH:
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. “MAD DOG” BUZZ SAWYER:
(Mid South, Dec. 27th 1985)
* I was looking for Jim Duggan vs. Smash but what the hell- I’ve seen very little of Buzz Sawyer OR pre-WWF Hacksaw. Both guys are roided to shreds, Sawyer shorter and with a gut, and MASSIVE Chewbacca-like furry boots. Both guys are in black trunks, Hacksaw (his surname pronounced “Doo-gan” like usual at the time) threatening Buzz and grabbing at the ref while Buzz swings the chain around.

Duggan finally gets chained up and immediately they get all coked out and start jerking around, tugging war with the chain until they’re close enough and Duggan tees off on Sawyer with strikes, putting him down with soupbone rights and then whipping him with the chain- a punch with the chain has Buzz thrashing on the mat. He tries to bail to put over how the chain disallows that, getting “dragged” back in- he signals a “time out” but no dice- Duggan smokes him again. Duggan whips him off the ropes using both hands around the chain, flattens him and drops an elbow. Duggan drags him to the floor using the chain and smashes him into the barricade and the post, then pounds him down with a wild swing- lax cover gets two. Buzz immediately fires back using the chain and Duggan is quickly bleeding, going into the barricade (a metal gate here). He’s seen drooling as he sells on all fours, Mad Dog posing in the way Rick Steiner would later copy. He follows Duggan back out for more punishment, but a “Doo-gan!” chant breaks out and on cue, Hacksaw quickly rolls back into the ring to show he’s still alive and starts speed-walking around- he uses the ropes for momentum and comes at Sawyer, who halts him with the chain and bites at his eyes.

Funny bit as Duggan’s “selling/movement” takes him away from a wind-up punch so Buzz has to chase him down and do it again, and a great comeback sees Duggan HOWLING as Buzz whips his back with the chain, Duggan on his knees but remaining defiant, until finally he roars to life with Hogan-tier cartoonish glee (Buzz’s “rapid-lookarounds” are great and EXACTLY how you sell a no-selling comeback like this) and starts hammering on Buzz with a punch combo, blasts away with corner punches, then pulls the chain so Buzz drunk-walks all the way across the ring for a straight clothesline. Duggan tastes blood, biting away himself as Buzz comes up all drunk-looking, collapsing as he tries to get up, and Duggan has a great old time beating him all over the place, pulling him back into the ring for more punishment. Duggan shouts “HE’S MINE!” after mounting him with a trio of chained fists, shakes off being sacked with the chain, and whips Buzz into a chair (Buzz grabs it but is made to drop it), ignores his pleading for mercy, and more, finally whipping him over the top and NOW Buzz grabs the chair for real, turns around all sneaky-like, and when Duggan goes for him on the apron, pops around and blasts him with it, sending Duggan KO’d to the mat for the 1-2-3 at (10:14)- Buzz wins after each 6 minutes straight of beating! Duggan would go to New Japan for a bit before returning to continue the feud with Buzz.

haha, what a brawl. It was all action despite being pretty measured (probably the only way to maintain cardio without any actual resting), and had a good flow- Duggan embarasses the heel to start, then Sawyer comes back and makes the hero bleed, then Duggan gets a Hogan-esque comeback (the “angry, defiant no-sell” and the heel looking around like “Wh-what?”), then the heel gets brutally punished so the fans get their money’s worth and enjoyment out of it, then the heel sneaks in a win. And a clean one, too- there’s no DQs here and the ref saw it! He just got sneaky and even made it look like he was tactically in a fight, knowing to hide the chair until the last second and surprise Jim with it. I actually think when he grabbed the chair first, he was thinking THAT was when to do the finish, but he puts it down and only does the spot after getting dumped again. No idea, though, and it doesn’t change the match. Buzz’s selling was a highlight- great “punch drunk” stuff, getting up and getting too dazed and flopping down, etc. Selling whininess and disbelief at the comebacks and the beating he’s taking, and then when Duggan is in pain, Buzz is all smirking and chuckling like an asshole.

Rating: *** (good, solid wrestling- tight offense, a bloody beating, good flow, and Sawyer getting a sneaky but not cheating win)

THIS WEEK’S PWI: SLAMMER & JAMMER:
#500 appearance: N/A (Jammer is #476 in 1991, #479 in 1992 & #493 in 1996; Slammer is #431 in 1991 and #439 in 1992)

-Slammer & Jammer are a pair of teeny-tiny facepainted dweebs with unimpressive physiques who did the Southern independent scene in the early 1990s, wrestling for about ten years. They never got out of the bottom 100 on PWI 500s, but interestingly, Slammer is consistently like 40 places ahead of Jammer- It’s always hilarious to me when tag team guys are so far apart. In 1991, Slammer is #431, but Jammer is #476. They miss two years, but then Jammer returns in 1996 sans Slammer! I will always wonder what great feats enabled Slammer to so distantly outstrip Jammer on those runs.

JAMMER & SLAMMER (w/ The Pet Detective, Cat Taylor) vs. STEVE MORTON & DANNY SHANNON:
(HCW, The Old Cheese Factory, McMinnville, Tennessee, Dec. 12th 1997)
* So my first clip of the two is a pair of TINY dudes shorter and smaller than most of the fans in this tiny indie show around Memphis’s old territory. Both of them look like they just got dug out of a mass grave with those physiques- jeepers. They have white goth facepaint and long hair, plus the ECW T-Shirt of Shame with no sleeves. They’re billed as hailng from “anywhere but stinkin’ McMinnville” but come out slapping hands and being cheered. Steve Morton is hilariously the LESS well-known of the “Morton Brothers”, as only Shannon has a Cagematch profile. Steve cannont POSSIBLY weigh more that 150 lbs., and has a hilarious greasy mullet and is in black tights. Andy Shannon’s only Google link is… this match. Oh dear. Wait! It’s DANNY Shannon and the video is wrong- he is probably David Adcock, a minor Memphis/Kentucky goober. He’s a generic-looking schmuck with black hair and a blue singlet, but at least has a vest and seems like he’s worked out a couple times in his life. “Another One Bites The Dust” goes over the PA as the babyface team comes down.

Cat Taylor, a guy even smaller than all the wrestlers, is doing an Ace Ventura thing with his hair and is acting like a wuss, and the commentator suggests “I once heard he was the poster child for the Gay Convention, but I’m not sure” (NOBODY TELL AJ!). Morton starts with Slammer (commentary guesses), who complains of a hairpull immediately. Morton works a headlock, getting reversed a bunch, then Shannon works the arm. Jammer charges in after an eyepoke but also gets caught with an armbar, and the world’s most slow-motion La Majistral gets two. Toehold/legdrop combo gets two and it seems clear the babyfaces can work but are aware their opponents can’t (they can’t bump or roll for shit) and are wrestling accordingly. Jammer catches Morton with his head down and clotheslines him. Slammer gets some wimpy forearms (not putting ANY body behind them) and just stands there so Morton can clothesline himself on his outstretched pipecleaner arm, lol. A “clothesline” sets up a double suplex that has the heels caught up on one another. The ref misses a sunset flip by Morton and ANOTHER clothesline drops him, and a splash/legdrop gets two (RVD/Sabu they ain’t).

Ref misses a tag thanks to Cat, and the heels are so bad they can’t even DOUBLE-TEAM properly, just throwing the occasional kick. Jammer hits the World’s Strongest Slam and pumps himself up for a big elbow off the second rope… and SPLATS! ahahahahah oh my goddddddddddd he missed by like two feet and hit NOTHING! And look at his partner’s reaction of shame. Just shakes his head like “aw man…” and gets the tag. Well now we know why Slammer is ahead of Jammer on the PWI 500, I guess. Poor Morton didn’t even move, but his “hot tag” is stopped by Slammer, who chokes away until Morton just punches him in the balls. Okay then. Shannon FINALLY gets tagged in for an ice-cold tag after like 8 minutes of BS and throws left hands (it’s immediately obvious he can actually wrestle because he swings his whole body into every move). Jammer eats the ten punches in the corner while Morton clotheslines Slammer, and they hit stereo Russian legsweeps until Tony Falk (longtime territory guy) comes into the ring to prevent a pin, earning a DQ at (9:01). lmao of course it also has a fuck finish. The babyfaces take a 4-on-2 beating, Falk using a stick on Shannon as we get a million “Oh my goodness gracious”es from the commentator. Morton finally sees them off with a chair.

hahahahah sooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaad- Slammer & Jammer obviously can’t work AT ALL, as they default to nothing but clotheslines that look terrible, their footwork is abysmal, and they look so underconfident and nervous as they scamper around the ring making teeny-tiny steps and kind of walking on their knees into place. Herky-jerky movements and everything. Compare that to Shannon, who can at least do the “rear back and swing with a decent punch”. Naturally the best worker in the match was on the apron for the whole thing, as Slammer & Jammer just spam clotheslines. Never mind the horrible “email Maffew right away and show him” elbowdrop.

Rating: DUD (I feel like there’s a billion indie matches like this- guys who weren’t trained right and can’t work AT ALL struggling against people who kind of can but don’t have the look/charisma to actually make it. Awful match but a fun watch because it sucks so bad)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: JOE RULES:
#500 appearance: 1997 (#500 in 1997, #421 in 1998, #445 in 1999, #438 in 2000)

-Joe Rules appears to be a “regular guy” wrestler- a fat-faced normal-looking dude with a round belly and no body tone. He was trained by ECW jobber JT Smith and debuted in 1993, with a handful of matches showing up on Cagematch nearly every year since, almost all for “Unified Wrestling Coalition”, which looks like a backyard fed that happens to book halls. Classic “Weekend Warrior” stuff. He mostly holds the promotion’s belts, so I assume he owns it. Looks like it’s Dave & Lois Thomas, running it out of New Jersey- I see occasional appearances by ECW types and Joey Janela. Rules popped around other indies for the 1990s but that’s it.

UWC UNITED STATES TITLE:
JOE RULES (w/ Some Overweight Lady in a Muu-Muu) vs. DR. HURTZ:
(Unified Wrestling Coalition, 12 Annual Toys for Tots, Dec. 12th 1999)
* oh YESSSSSSSSSSSSS it’s time for some absolute crap indie wrestling! Rules comes out and demands the fan show him some RESPECT in the most whiny-ass voice ever, which actually kind of fits for a heel. He insists that “in the name of friendship”, his opponent is going to lie down and allow Rules to pin him. “I demand COMPLETE SILENCE from every single one of you!” which actually inspires tremendous boos. Like this is 100 times more heat than than most indie shows draw so kudos. Even Hurtz just looks like some regular joe, wrestling in white shorts and the ECW T-Shirt of Shame. Oh, but he’s SIX PLACES above Hurtz in 1997’s PWI 500 so he must be better!

The match goes about how you’d expect- Hurtz throws some weak stricks and tubby Rules can only sorta sell them, takes a bad bump off a hiptoss, and rolls to the floor after a slam. Rules blows a minute whining on the floor, but Hurtz comes up while he and the manager are smooching and gives them a double noggin-knocker! Rules manages to put the “boots” to him in the ring as he slides in, however, and the manager adds choking. “Clubbing forearms” follow, then a suplex & chinlock. Choking against the ropes sets up a “cradle” as this lummox can barely roll over Hurtz amateur-style. Another chinlock and he dodges a charge in the corner and “hits” a clothesline where he taps Hurtz on the side. Then he tries to leap onto Hurtz in the ropes again and manages to fuck up CROTCHING himself, unable to lift his chubby leg high enough to do it and instead has to weirdly crouch and sell like he hit his neck, but in slow-motion because he sucks. Hurtz throws some chops, then the wreck a spot they spend all this time building up because Rules gets pulled out of the ropes too soon and drops like six inches. Rules scores a headbutt & eyerake to come back and throws chops of his own, Hurtz does the fat, unathletic version of Booker T’s “arm-twist/side kick” move, but avalanches into the ref when Rules pulls him in the way. Hurtz fails to revive the ref and goes up, climbing the turnbuckles like he’s terrified of it going wrong, then hits a Guillotine Legdrop. This gets the visual pinfall, but the valet comes in to attack- the ref gets up just in time to see Hurtz threaten her and Rules give him the wussiest belt shot in the history of business, jogging up and delicately pushing it against his back, earning the Disqualification at (8:62). Hurtz wins by DQ.

Well this was horrendous, haha. Like most guys on the 500 should at least be trained but this looks EXACTLY, 100% like if you put 1999 me against my fat friend Jordan and told us to wrestle based off of what we’d seen on TV. The exact kind of clumsiness, unsteadiness, and limps strikes you’d get. After his reasonable “annoying heel” promo beforehand I was hoping they could at least work, but nope. This is the kinda stuff the territories set-up would have likely prevented back in the day- completely untrained guys doing weirdo stuff. At least it was for charity!

Rating: DUD (TERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIBLE, lol. Those poor children!)

JOE RULES & “THE HOOLIGAN” GEOFFREY BRAVO (w/ Dani DJ) vs. SPECIAL FORCES (Adam Aces & Lt. Warhead):
(Unified Wrestling Coalition, Nov. 13th 2010)
* Let’s see if Rules has improved in eleven years! He introduces his new valet and names his new stable as “Devastation LLC”. Bravo is a UK wrestler with a doughy look but is at least somewhat slender (and his whole career is mostly UWC/CZW)- Rules has not kept himself in shape over the years. He as a tiny “mid ’90s douchebag” goatee which makes him look even dipshittier, which I can appreciate. A blue singlet with a see-through t-shirt over it makes him look like a scrub, too. Special Forces are funny- a tall, in-shape dude with muscles (Aces, aka Adam Chandler) and an old man with a gut and balding grey hair (Warhead, a UWC regular). Dude is like 55+ at least.

Immediately Warhead does a HILARIOUSLY slow-paced go-behind rollup on Bravo. He legdrops the arm but Bravo goes to the eyes. Man, Warhead actually looks like he’s ill and in danger of passing out already. Rules hits the lightest clothesline ever (this couldn’t possibly have hurt even a child) as the heels are so delicate with him, like they’re actually afraid to hurt the guy. Poor Bravo actually seems trained, hitting a leg lariat, but has to stand there and take these awful punches and then a powerslam goes HORRIBLY wrong, as Warhead almost loses his balance and shoot Northern Lights Bombs him, thankfully turning him at the last second. The valet puts some boots to Warhead, inspiring who I think is the valet from the LAST match to go out there and chase her away, revealing a jailhouse inmate behind the curtain. Sure enough, while Warhead is worked over, a tag team of inmates come out and beat up Aces, until UWC’s babyface Legion (a MASSIVELY obese guy) comes out to gloat. Warhead legit looks like he needs to go to the hospital for a diastolic crisis as he makes a “comeback” and OH MY GOD JOEY’S CHOPS LMAOOOOOOOOOO. Those are at least easy to do because they make noise, but these DON’T. He’s just lightly smooshing Lt. Warhead’s boob with his hand! Warhead gets a clothesline but has no partner to tag- Bravo hits him with a Cobra Clutch Russian Legsweep and tags out Rules so he can score the pinfall himself (7:12). Warhead is beaten by all five heels after the match (Legion adding a huge splash), but Aces recovers and chases everyone off with a flurry of punches.

Man dunking on shitty indies is fun but these guys are DREADFUL, haha. Business-exposing, untrained, dangerously-out of shape, etc. Like how does this even HAPPEN, especially in a company that lasts 20+ years? In Alberta we have Top Talent Wrestling with a lot of people all with the same trainer and doing very simple matches at the city fair and such, and it’s very much “basic one-star match wrestling” but every one of them is a dozen times better than anyone in THESE. It’s wild this got any kind of traction, even in a place as populous as the Eastern US. Everything here was designed to be as light as possible and not at all focused around convincing it was tight or snug at all- the only thing that might have looked rough were the bumps.

Rating: DUD (who trained all of these people?!)