Scott Hall vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a great unique one inspired by the retirement of the Ace, Hiroshi Tanahashi! The legend has just given up his boots, but was once a young rookie, told by a foreigner “you are the future”. And we’re pretty sure that foreigner was Scott Hall, and so I have that very match where he faces the “Japanese Young Boy” and runs through all his offense in preparation for a World Title match against Keiji Mutoh! So come see Scott Hall vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi, back when he was a generic Young Lion!

Then it’s a timely match, as “Dancin” Stevie Richards makes his WCW debut against Lenny Lane on WCW Saturday Night in 1997! Stevie only lasted a few months in the company as they mostly redid their ECW feud with him & Raven, but as Lane has JUST appeared on Stevie’s YouTube show/podcast, it’s fitting to do it now! I found an AMAZING rarity with the Blackjacks doing an AWA run in 1984… against Nick Bockwinkel and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan! With BABYFACE Blackjack Mulligan & Lanza!

Then my PWI #500 continues… and coincides with the run of THE DICKS in 2005 WWF! These two goobers featured #500 in 2003, Billy Kryptonite as “Chad Dick” and Tank Tolland as “James Dick”, allowing the company to make dick jokes as they fought the shittiest incarnation of the Legion of Doom (Animal & HEIDENREICH)! So come see TWO matches, as the girthy, vascular Dicks take on first the Legion of Doom in their SmackDown! debut, and then face Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki on Velocity! And finally, it’s Bob “Hardcore” Holly in his indie run in 2014, wrestling at 51 years old against the top star of Booker T’s promotion in Texas, The Mysterious Q! With STEVIE RAY as Hardcore’s manager!

SCOTT HALL vs. HIROSHI TANAHASHI:
(New Japan, Sept. 9th 2001)
* This is from a washed-up Scott Hall’s six-month run through New Japan (he was part of Chono’s Team2000 and culminated in a loss to Keiji Mutoh). The giant foreigner is set to take on one of the many faceless NJPW Young Lions- then a nobody Hiroshi Tanahashi. Already the kid has a GREAT look with a then-trendy haircut- not nearly as magnificent as his mane would later become, but not bad. The bookers had to be salivating over his prospects like “please be good please be good please don’t wash out”. Tana has claimed that a foreign wrestler had told him “You are the future”. “I had just debuted. Yet he already saw me as the future. You have no idea how much those words have motivated me. I want him to see that I’ve become somebody.” People just assume this was Hall but cuold have theoretically been another, haha. Hall looks absolutely shitfaced, with a never-changing “gotta hold it together don’t barf” expression as he kinda jerkily walks to the ring and does the Temu version of all his taunts.

ugh, this is uploading like ass. So he’s saying “A long time ago, a foreign wrestler told me “You are the future”. I had just debuted, but he already saw me as the future. You have no idea how much those words have motivated me. I want him to see that I’ve become somebody”.

It’s almost certain that the man he’s talking about is Hall. Tana paid specific tribute to him after his death, doing his iconic “sideways walk” on the way to the ring.

Baby Tanahashi! Man, the bookers had to be salivating over this kid’s look already. Obviously the hair wasn’t as S-tier as it would later be, but you see a kid like this come in, you see $$$, I gotta think.

Hall starts the match with the toothpick still in his hand, and of course fires it right into the kid’s face and jokingly bows to the referee. Hall teases him by faking a lockup and backing away (*wags finger* “When *I* say”), then jerkily does his “wristlock/shoulderblock” thing and ducks under to backdrop him. He adds the pithold while slapping him around and pulling hair. Some big chops impress the crowd, as does the Sack Of Shit Slam. The abdominal stretch w/ the leg hooked follows, then the deathlock and the backdrop superplex- he does a theatrical “that’s it!” with his arms and hits the Razor’s Edge. Big bump but he doesn’t even cover- he gets the mic and says “HEY… Keiji Mutoh! If you ever step in the ring with ME… THIS is gonna be you!” and then Tanahashi recovers and SCHOOLBOYS HIM FOR THE WIN (4:20) hahahaha that old cuss- he did it again! The “Scott Hall gets arrogant and pinned by a jobber” is one of his old standbys- he did it with the 1-2-3 Kid and Hector Garza (in 1997 WCW). Hall even copies the “angry stomps” and stuff, but doesn’t go to kick Tana’s ass.

This very much was “Scott Hall’s Greatest Hits”, putting on the exact same stuff he’d use against a jobber in 1993 WWF, but a bit clunkier (he’s older and drunker and Tana’s VERY green)

Rating: 1/2* (sad in that a half-speed Scott Hall looked out of sorts and could barely get his shit out, but at least he actually used his moveset and didn’t mess anything up)

DANCIN’ STEVIE RICHARDS vs. LENNY LANE:
(WCW Saturday Night, Aug. 16th 1997)
* This is from Stevie Richards’s VERY short WCW run, when he quit ECW at the peak of his run there for a company that could actually pay money… but immediately quit because of his neck issues and being used as a jobber, and saying he felt like he’d become lazy… and saying Raven was a dick who was pressuring him to do stuff and get him fired by going to DDP. Plus Heyman was in his ear. He admits this was a dumb financial decision, “but being jobbed out could stick with you for YEARS in 1997”. When you think about it, Stevie lucked out BIG-TIME in his career. A dorky-looking, really skinny guy with some height, a bad injury at the worst possible time, quitting one of the Big Two during the height of the Monday Night Wars, and he had a LONG career, all things considered. NINE YEARS in WWE, a run in TNA, etc. Considering what was against him at this point, that’s nuts- he wrestled for WWF three years longer than Ted DiBiase did, for Christ’s sake. Looking like THAT.

Lane here is Temu Chris Jericho… which sucks when you’re in a company with ACTUAL Chris Jericho. He was a constant sight on the D-shows jobbing to everyone. This is Dancin’ Stevie’s debut, and he’s got his teeny-tiny white belly-shirt and denim shorts on, like in ECW. Lane JUST showed up on Stevie Richards’ podcast/YouTube video so this is timely.

Stevie comes out a bundle of energy, leaping around (… no actual dancing, though), then grapples Lane a bunch, chopping him in the corner, celebrating to the fans, and kneeing him in the gut, but Lane ducks under a thing and swats him down. Stevie bails and literally runs away as Tony Schiavone mocks him for naming all his moves after himself like an egomaniac (“Well I use the Stevie Kick, the Stevie Bomb, the Stevieplex…”), and we cut to the crowd laughing at him and miss what looks like a “lift and slam him face-down” move. And a nutshot judging by the ref admonishing him and Stevie going “I’M SORRY!” with a huge disingenuous smile. He calls out “STEVIEBOMBBBBBBBBBBB!” and hits a standard kneeling powerbomb… for two! He taunts Lenny as we cut to Nitro, where Stevie blocks a Raven punch and gets in his face (“You’re not gonna abuse me… ANYMORE…”) and Raven appears to respect this. Stevie ends up in the Flock after that as it looks like they sorta speed-run his ECW run with Raven’s Nest. We’re back with Lane firing off punches and a stinger splash into a Japan-style missile dropkick for two, then a Jericho-style “corner-whip bulldog” but Stevie gets his foot on the ropes (from that position? He’s got LONG-ass legs). Lenny’s at a loss, so tries a bullshit clothesline, but Stevie ducks under and hits the Stevie Kick (superkick) for three (3:05).

A very “WCW Saturday Night Template” match- some fuckery, some heel offense, the jobber comes back with a li’l stretch to show what he can do and maybe impress the matchmakers, then he turns around and eats a finisher. Stevie did fine- establishes a character, acts like a douche, sells and bumps for the job guy, then gets a finisher in a tactical way.

Rating: *3/4 (fine squash-adjacent 3-minute bout)

THE BLACKJACKS (Blackjack Mulligan & Blackjack Lanza) vs. NICK BOCKWINKEL & BOBBY “THE BRAIN” HEENAN:
(AWA, 1984)
* This is AMAZING. The BLACKJACKS come to AWA in the mid-1980s, and their opponents are smarmy top guy Nick Bockwinkel and wrestler-era Bobby Heenan. And the Blackjacks are BABYFACES. I mean who looks at Blackjack Lanza, one of the nastiest-looking old cusses ever, and thinks “Babyface star”? But it’s Heenan so I guarantee he’ll get cheers. Oh, and the broadcast is clearly of an American crowd, but the broadcast is from Japan. The Blackjacks are in black, Mulligan appears to have stopped dyeing his hair so it’s kinda blond-ish, Bockwinkel’s in white trunks, and Heenan’s in his silly one-strap black singlet.

Heenan immediately wastes time by getting dared to tag in, then tagging out with no contact being made. Bockwinkel makes a huge show out of being shoved into the corner twice by the huge Mulligan, who sends Heenan scurrying at the mere threat of a punch, haha. Bockwinkel gets a full nelson, reacting with annoyance when Mulligan easily snaps it, then throwing a tantrum when Mulligan won’t go up for a slam. Lanza comes in, swaying menacingly with that one black glove of his… and randomly punches Bobby in the face! This sends Mulligan chasing after him while Bockwinkel throws a fit, Heenan LEAPING over the top rope at one point, and caterpillar-crawling across the ring at another. Man this has been five minutes of goo-gah at this point, but it’s good goo-gah so that’s fine. Heenan finally cheats from the apron to draw heat, choking Lanza. The heels are able to tee off on him when Mulligan keeps running in, but the second Heenan gets in (SIX MINUTES into the match!) Lanza punches him and nearly tags out- Bock has to drag him back and punch the shit out of him, Lanza’s awful hair flopping around on each shot.

GOAT fan closeup.

Heenan helps him out on a front facelock (never seen someone “push the foot” on that to make it better), then distracts the ref so he misses Mulligan’s tag, then Lanza (whose selling is more theatrical and heelish than a typical babyface’s, naturally) knocks noggins together and makes a dramatic hot tag- Mulligan bounces Nick around, then knocks Heenan for a loop a couple times so Bobby can flop around, but LANZA gets tagged back in and gets a punch- Heenan immediately rakes his eyes and Bockwinkel hits a piledriver for two. Bobby beats on his helpless opponent and immediately tags out like a wuss, but Lanza suddenly starts NO-SELLING him! This has Heenan backing up in fear, then he starts scampering around the ring, Nick gets decked, then Bobby runs into Mulligan’s outstretched fist and goes down- Lanza pins him before Nick can yank him off (11:42)- the Blackjacks win!

It started out funny and great, but went a little long- Nick was just holding Lanza in a front facelock for AGES and they never really shook up their offense or did anything different. Lanza also kinda just flops around like a fish on defense, too- more of a goofy heelish thing than a way to inspire comebacks. Mulligan was a bit better at “babyfacing” up his shit, yelling to the fans and being really ostentatious about his desire to get in and beat heels up. Bobby was a great heel, being a complete wimp near the end of his in-ring career- he lacked any credibility whatsoever so could only cheat and then escape before it was time to eat any offense, which paid off when Lanza stopped selling and came back.

Rating: ** (looks like it shoulda been better, but Nick was aging, Bobby was nearly done, and Lanza wasn’t a great babyface- too long but the theatrical selling of the heels was terrific)

Good lord these guys are SHORT. Scotty 2 Hotty was held back by his size his entire career and he dwarfs them in height. What is this, 5’5″?

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: BILLY K (aka Billy Kryptonite, Chad Dick, Chad Wicks):
#500 appearance: 2003 (#500 in 2003, #290 in 2006)

-Billy K/Chad Dick is one of the shortest-lived wrestlers I’ve ever seen, lasting only three years. Coming out of New England, he debuted in 2002 and ended up in New Japan’s Young Lion Cup 2004 of all places, likely as a “white pin-eater”. 2005 saw him actually get hired by WWE as one of The Dicks. He spent some time in OVW training as Chad Toland (along with Tank Toland, a shorter guy who was turned into James Dick), then got WWE TV time- VERY early for a guy with his level of experience, which was the style at the time. The “Johnny Ace Era” was notorious for flushing newbies down the toilet by giving them national exposure before they were even properly broken in, nuking a ton of careers. Then he got fired and ended up in Inoki Dojo in California! He has a bizarre career, though- only four years and he has tag team matches working with Jushin Liger, he fought the shitty Heidenreich Legion of Doom, and the shitty Black Tiger in Rocky Romero! And a four-month WWE run! There are tons of dudes who’d kill to have a career that weird, who wrestled four times as long!

THE LEGION OF DOOM (Road Warrior Animal & Heidenreich) vs. THE DICKS (Chad & James Dick):
(WWE SmackDown, Nov. 28th 2005)
* Yes, The Dicks. I’ve heard of them being mocked, but never actually saw them. Turns out it’s a “Cocky Chippendales Dancers” gimmick, with two juiced guys wearing suspenders and bowties oiling themselves up before the match with a generic techno theme song. So this was obviously never designed to actually get over- they’re probably just “we hired them, soooooo just throw ’em on TV with something to amuse Vince for a couple months then get rid of them”. James Dick is even stockier- he had a longer career, going to Ring of Honor and stuff. Michael Cole says “the erupted onto the scene” and “revealed themselves” just in the pre-match, so it’s clear this is just to make dick jokes on TV. The Dicks have cost the LOD their tag titles recently, and this is their debut match. They’re in black trunks, and both are TINY. Absolute manlet-size.

So Animal & Heidenreich (doing his weird “chest-thumping and sticking his arm out like a Nazi Frankenstein” thing, wearing skull facepaint and red trunks) immediately crash the floor and flog the Dicks, selling NOTHING and revealing that these guys are desperately tiny, especially compared to two huge dudes. They have girth, but no length to them. They’re flung into each other (“The Dicks butt heads”) and Animal flattens James in the ring with a back elbow. James is slammed, then Chad runs in and gets clotheslined. Chad manages to neck Heidenreich over the top rope and James adds a shot, then comes off the top rope. A double-shove into the corner hits, but Heidenreich gets his boot up on one of them. Animal runs wild on a “hot tag”, whacking Dicks left and right, but he & James mess up A PUNCH (James does the dreaded “I’m gonna- no wait” hesitation), ending up in a backdrop suplex. Chad goes over the top off a clothesline and James gets flattened, but he dodges a clothesline and Chad sprays baby oil in Animal’s face, dodges some wild shots, eats one, then trips him up and Chad pushes his ass with his foot to get the cheap pin at (3:07)- a Dick spraying in Animal’s face sealed his demise. Hahahah well at least they didn’t LOSE their debut.

Pretty ugly, poor match- Heidenreich was always a huge failure in the ring and Animal had his last good match more than ten years before this, and the Dicks were just generic create-a-wrestlers on the default setting, doing basic “OVW Trainee” stuff in the cookie-cutter style they were trained. This is the Dicks’ only SmackDown! win- they win two Velocity matches and afterwards they just lose every other match.

Rating: 1/2* (just some ugly brawling, a bit of botching, and two awkward big guys fighting two rookies)

THE DICKS (Chad & James Dick) vs. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & FUNAKI:
(WWE Velocity, 12/10/2005)
* Shortly after their one SD win, the Dicks are set against two JTTS guys- Scotty & Funaki were now decidedly on the job squad. Scotty’s wearing long red & black tights, Funaki’s in white shorts, and the Dicks are in black trunks.

Chad starts with Funaki and points out his own oiled-up abs, but gets hiptossed and his arm worked. Scotty does his own stuff and even HE is taller than these two shrimps. He ducks under James and does a dance, hiptosses him twice, then gets backdropped suplexed. But the LOD come out to distract the Dicks, allowing Scotty to get his facecrusher and The Worm, which was once the most over move in the company… and now doesn’t draw a single reaction. Oooooooooooof he done. The crowd barely chants “W-O-R-M” with him and he has a firm handle on this Dick, but Chad saves the pin- he beats Scotty down and James adds some boots in the corner. Scotty briefly beats off both Dicks, but gets stuck in a front facelock and Funaki gets a mild tag. Facecrusher for one, enzuigiri for the other, two backdrops and a headlock/headscissor tandem move, then a flying crossbody- the Dick rolls through and pulls the tights, but Scotty saves. He gets dumped and they hit Funaki with their finishers- a double-fireman’s drop, then a lift-up into a Guillotine Legdrop for the pin at (5:30).

A cromulent, if heatless, tag team match- the Dicks made no attempts to get heat, didn’t react to the fans, and were mostly young guys letting the veterans move them around, often standing stock-still in anticipation of the next move (watch the Dick take Scotty’s facecrusher- he awkwardly bolts upright and freezes to ensure Scotty won’t miss). Funaki ended up looking the best out of everyone. At least it wasn’t botchy. I believe this is their last win- Chad has said JBL’s bullying led to making him miserable and then he got fired after being made to drink booze after taking a sleeping pill and hitting his partner. James said on Rene Dupree’s podcast that Chad was shamed by the boys into fighting him, but was caught on his hands & knees pleading with James to take a fall for them. Which reeks of “Wrestler Bullshit/Not My Fault” but yeah. I dunno, the only reason they’re around is for dick jokes to be made- and the only people who do that are the most puerile, immature, lazy HACKS, you know?

Rating: *1/2 (a fine enough mini-match for a Velocity)

REALITY OF WRESTLING TITLE:
BOB “HARDCORE” HOLLY (w/ Stevie Ray) vs. MYSTERIOUS Q:
(The Reality Of Wresstling, 2014)
* YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. I found a dude named “Mysterious Q” on the PWI 500 lists, and one of his matches is against Bob Holly! Who, as of 2014, still looks to be in shape and has an ugly d-bag tribal tat covering his chest and shoulder on one side. Stevie Ray is apparently the “Heel Manager” of the company and keeps trying to send guys to dethrone “The most popular wrestler in Reality of Wrestling history”. This automatically makes me suspect Ray is in fact the BOOKER of the promotion… but that’s actually his brother! Booker T himself started this company in 2005 (!). Q looks to be in great shape- solid, expensive-looking gear and a good physique. Holly has that crazy “51-year old face/young man’s body” thing going on- crazy good for his age.

Just from the lockup I can already tell Q is good. Nice and deep! Q with an armdrag and a lucha counter to the top wristlock, but Holly keeps interrupting with boots & chops. But Q nails him with a rana and dropkicks him to the floor, following with a tornado tope over the top rope. Bob comes back by suplexing him on the top rope (probably aiming for a crotching but settles for the knee), then beats him down- Holly clothesline him down and goes for the mask like an asshole, then does his hanging boot to the gut to Q. Commentary calls Holly “one of the greatest of all time” which is PUSHIN’ IT, and Stevie adds a punch from the floor. Holly slowly works Q over, but misses a corner charge and does the “bump & feed” to clotheslines and a release German, then does a back elbow in the corner and a goofy handspring off the ropes into a spinkick for two. Q gets distracted by Stevie Ray and nearly gets Alabama Slammed, but sunset flips out of it and wins a slugfest, only to run into a big boot. Holly hits a second-rope elbow for two and TAKES OFF THE MASK, but Q has another mask on underneath and sneaks in behind him while he’s celebrating, hitting him with the Q Cutter for the pin at (7:47).

A very simple little match- Holly is OLD here and was obviously sucking wind and sweating by the end of it, but of course kept it simple and efficient, hitting shots and waiting for the next opportunity instead of flinging around and thus botching, set up some cheating, taunted the fans, etc.- he still knew to work a crowd so his diminished capacity never mattered. Mysterious Q hit some good stuff early but was either tired or just loose by the end, as all his strikes look soft and harmless then. Finish was decent- Holly was sent by Stevie Ray to crush the champ, got cocky and hyper-focused on the mask, and paid for it.

Rating: ** (harmless indie match- not too short or too long)