WCW Thunder (03.08.00) – All Dream Matches!

WCW THUNDER:
(March 8th, 2000)
* Welcome back to more Dream Matches! As I decided to go through some of the random-ass uploads the WCW Vault has been putting up… with WCW THUNDER! This eventually became kinda the bastard child of WCW programming, as important stuff happened on Nitro and the jobber squashes happened on Saturday Night, so they had random “quasi-filler” on Thunder, which gave us “Russo when he wasn’t trying”. This is actually BETWEEN Russo eras, I believe, as a consortium of bookers took over and had to make do with the wreck the company had been left in. WCW by this point was largely made up of Guys Vince Didn’t Want, Disgruntled Ex-WWFers, and Guys With Good Contracts, as any wrestler concerned with their career’s future would have otherwise jumped by now. This one features Jeff Jarrett defending the US Title against Vampiro, shortly before the Uncensored PPV! And OH MY GOD- The Mamalukes vs. Booker T/Billy Kidman vs. Harlem Heat (Stevie Ray/AHMED JOHNSON version) vs. The Harris Twins? I am in HEAVEN!

Plus we get the KISS Demon vs. Idol (Lodi), The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea defending the Cruiserweight Title against Psychosis, The Maestro vs. The Cat, and Dustin Rhodes vs. Lash Leroux! Oh, and since it’s just some random Thunder, I also grabbed a sequel to last week’s column, with the Road Warriors defending the NWA International Tag Team Titles in Japan against All Japan’s top team Jumbo Tsuruta & Yoshiaki Yatsu!

Our hosts are Mike Tenay & Bobby Heenan, now WELL into the “getting sauced weekly because he’s miserable” era.

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE:
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (w/ Paisley) vs. PSYCHOSIS (w/ Juventud Guerrera):
* Oh my god YESSSSSSSSSSS this is the good shit already! So Prince Nakamaki was the worst wrestler in WCW (a combination of bad look, no charisma AND a poor worker who couldn’t “work” the fans, meaning he was 0/10), and because his name had “Prince” in it, Russo of course gave him the timely gimmick of “making fun of Prince for that time his name was a symbol” (this was for about 7 years, due to a record company dispute). Paisley is an ex-Nitro Girl and future Mrs. Booker T, Sharmell. Oh and also Juvie is calling himself “The Juice” and ripping off Rock’s catchphrases while stumbling over his words… then says “La Vida Loca” to date this further. Psychosis is maskless, making him look like some generic guy in black gear with weird colors. Oh, but Juvi attempts to do commentary, but has a temper tantrum because hip-hop maskless Rey Mysterio Jr. is here to do the same, preventing Juvi from talking.

Psychosis jumps TAFKAPI to start and the poor guy openly struggles with working with this idiot, and Prince takes a plancha and some Juvi strikes, but immediately makes a comeback (weird timing). He misses an overwrought corner charge and gets wheel & missile-kicked, then put in an abdominal stretch so he can make a few “ow” faces… then immediately bumps the ref into Psychosis to escape. Juvi counts a pin on a rollup but the ref is up and calls for the Disqualification at (2:59).

Rating: 1/2* (mostly just Psychosis doing stuff against a tackling dummy- Iaukea can STILL barely get his selling across to an audience, and then it’s a fuck finish immediately)

More looks at “Why WCW is dying” with washed-up Bam Bam Bigelow talking to never-was David Flair & Crowbar w/ “Baby’s First Alt-Girl” Daffney, the tag team wearing neck braces, then Lex Luger (w/ ponytail) talking to Ric Flair with Miss Elizabeth, now looking very much not like her late ’90s self in the “pill-popper” era, and they’re arguing about Arn Anderson.

THE DEMON vs. IDOL (w/ Lane):
* GOOD LORD. Dale Torborg, useless barely-trained dweeb, is sent out to die as a KISS-inspired “Demon” in Gene Simmons makeup (“the greatest rock & roll band in the world”, Tenay has to say with a straight face), and he’s taking on Idol (the former Lodi) as part of his gay tag team. Lane joins us on commentary, immediately trying to talk carney “I love watching the rizzats dance, but I know this rat Miss Hancock won’t be cutting ANY rugs tonight!”. On cue, this brings out Miss Hancock (Stacey Kiebler in a leggy busisswoman outfit).

Idol, bless him, sells fear at the Demon drooling blood, and catches his foot so he can eat a clumsy enzuigiri. Hancock attempts to dance on the commentary desk, but Lane pulls a “Jeff Jarrett” and refuses to let the fans see it, drawing a bare minimum of heat. Idol gets some decent stuff as Heenan puts him over as underrated- he hits a suplex, powerslam & DDT. But Miss Hancock hits the ring apron and lures Idol over for a kiss, leaving him stunned so the Demon can hit was is probably supposed to be a Cobra Clutch Slam for the pin at (2:11). haha, poor Idol- had to carry this slug through a match and then banana-peel it for a loss. Idol’s stuff DID actually look pretty good, which also says a bit about Demon (he’s way too big to not be doing his fair share helping), but only Idol came off looking good. Like, what kind of big KISS Demon dude can’t beat LODI without help? Of course they’re actually actively burying him here, as Lane strikes from behind and they beat his ass, Lane hitting his full nelson front-sweep and Idol another DDT until NORMAN SMILEY comes in to make the save, paying off a Nitro angle. He nearly does the Big Wiggle but gets attacked himself, and they hit the Hardy Boyz “Whisper in the Wind” on him. ahhhh the “endless post-match bell-ringing” by WCW- I’ve missed that.

Rating: 1/4* (Idol’s stuff looked good)

More backstage! Curt Hennig cuts a promo on Luger for breaking his wrist, saying “you’ve got the night off” because he can’t wrestle, but on Nitro he’ll get him. Meanwhile Bigelow is morose about something, while Jeff Jarrett talks to his nWo goons the Harris Twins, whose Southern drawl is so bad I can barely tell what they’re saying. This sends out Bam Bam for a live promo wearing Adidas pants and a WCW-brand t-shirt like a total goon, revealing his frat-boy physique. With a thick Joisey accent, he tries to carry a promo himself, bringing out David, Crowbar & Daffney to try and put them over (David has his eyes shut the whole time, like someone who’s just INSANELY high. I thought that was Reid!?). Bam Bam feels GUILT, you see, because he was the one who brought The Wall (I guess the guy who hurt these two) into the business, and “he’s the godfadduh of muh dawtter!”. In comes The Wall (you can tell he’s coming because Daffney randomly starts mouthing growls and then screams with a deadpan expression). He effortlessly clotheslines Bigelow over the top rope, then attacks Crowbar & David while they sit there harmlessly. Bam Bam gets chokeslammed off the apron through a table, then Crowbar is throttled and David “chokeslammed” off the apron into a harmless bump via Bam Bam catching him. The fans didn’t react to ANY of this and it made three guys look like harmless pussies.

OH NOOOOOOOOOO it’s a “Red & Yellow” babyface Hulk Hogan using a ton of day-glo weight belts in a backstage promo for his upcoming strap match against Ric Flair on PPV. Slapping the ground repeatedly going “WHATCHA GONNA DO!?” over and over again.

THE MAESTRO (w/ Symphony) vs. THE CAT:
* hahah it’s THE MAESTRO. I have seen almost none of his stuff. He was Gorgeous George III in the USWA and was a career nobody suddenly added in to late-stage WCW. His look and act is still very George-y, with a blond perm and freaking out over it being touched. I actually forgot Sympony was Ryan Shamrock, a short-lived WWF girl most notable for being the only one without breast implants for her time. As “The Stro” is obsessed with classical music, he faces the James Brown-loving Cat, Ernest Miller.

The two have an untrained-looking stumblefest, with a bad hairtoss leading to the Cat using one of his red slippers as a weapon, but he misses a dancing elbow and goes for the boom box the Stro was using. The ref is immediately shoved into the corner by Maestro for some reason, which allows the Cat to smash the box over his head and score the easy pin at (1:29). Well it was about as good a match between these two as they were likely to have. Extra points for the Cat knowing to throw all the debris out of the ring while pinning him.

Rating: DUD (barely even a thing)

Vampiro cuts a promo on both Fit Finlay (his PPV opponent) & Jarrett, but it doesn’t make much sense and it’s mostly him randomly yelling and then muttering in ways the mic has trouble picking up. Then it’s a LASH LEROUX promo, as he talks about how much he loves the “WCW fans”, but he’s attacked by GAY BIKER DUSTIN RHODES, with his stupid durag and shit, and uhhhh this is a match I guess.

DUSTIN RHODES vs. LASH LEROUX:
Leroux makes a mini-comeback, but ignores a ballshot from Dustin and keeps pumping his fists and stuff. Dustin launches him and a corner-bump has Lash in full “show off for the bookers” mode as he collapses hard, and the Bulldog gets three at (1:09) for Dustin. This lures out Terry Funk, with a RAW CHICKEN in hand, and he beats the shit out of Dustin with it. But he revels in it too much and gets his nuts punched, so Dustin yells at him AND the chicken, dropping an elbow on THE CHICKEN, then smashing Terry in the face with it. Yes, this feud with “two of the toughest guys that ever came out of Texas” involves raw chicken-themed beatings. Poor Lash has to lie there and sell the WHOLE TIME.

Rating: DUD (totally a non-match, haha)

Ric Flair, The Total Package (oh yeah he’s not called “Luger” anymore) and Miss Elizabeth come out for another time-wasting promo. They’re cutting one on Sting & Hogan, their PPV opponents, then call out Arn Anderson for an apology. Arn forgets that everyone’s supposed to be slack-ass on Thunder and admits “I’ve stood beside you so long that maybe I forgot to stand up to ya. I’m not subservient to anybody” and that while both of them aren’t good fathers because they’re on the road every night, but David’s here WITH HIM on the road and had his 21st birthday on Nitro and the pressure he’s under means he needs Ric’s support. “I’m standing up to you because you know why? Because David CAN’T”. Flair can only get all coked up and talk about how he’s “done being daddy!” (“I wanna ride the Lear Jet! I wanna ride fast again!”), and demands Arn “Don’t make me look bad!” and follow instructions, but Arn refuses. Package gets pissy about this, saying this is “strike two” and if they don’t get it right, Flair is out and he’s not in “Team Package” anymore. Flair says “Every time I stop riding, this company has me by the ass!”. Funny thing is they’re more or less being themselves and Flair DID more or less stop being a dad and suffered the consequences of it in real life. But Anderson’s stuff was fascinating. Flair was a bit rave-y and not always in the best way, but got the point across. Him being so weak and desperate to join Luger is funny, though.

Meanwhile Fit Finlay comes out to wrestle Meng, but Vampiro assaults him backstage and it’s a pullapart!

FIT FINLAY vs. MENG:
* WCW’s sorta Hardcore division is still going, as their big ideas at this point were all “Rip off the WWF”.

They get into a great brawl to start, swinging wildly until Fit runs into a big boot. Meng sets up the Tongan Death Grip but Tank Abbott hits the ring (I don’t recognize him at first because I forget he’s only “normal wrestler” sized) and it’s a pullapart brawl with tons of security. Lol wait all the other matches tonight had postmatch fights and no security got involved!

Rating: 1/4* (we almost saw some offense!)

WCW TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE MAMALUKES (Johnny the Bull & Big Vito, w/ Disco Inferno) vs. RON & DON HARRIS vs. BOOKER T & BILLY KIDMAN (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. HARLEM HEAT 2000 (Stevie Ray & Big T, w/ Cash & Mr. Biggs):
* Now THIS is what makes WCW great! A complete shitshow of a match between the most wildly disparate guys ever! A low-rent Italian “Paisano” team are the Tag Champs under Disco Inferno, Harlem Heat has Ahmed Johnson threaded in, Booker T & Kidman are a team that dislike one another, and we also have some racists! The Mamalukes are hilariously low-end for where they are- this is an indie-level gimmick (both guys just keep doing the “fingers and thumbs pinched together” thing where they flick that symbol at everyone repeatedly with stupid looks on their faces) with Main Eventer steroids.

Disco takes a swing at the Harris boys as soon as they hit the ring and it’s immediately a fistfight with two teams missing. Harlem Heat immediately come down with the former Clarence Thomas and a HUGE guy (is that Swole?) as their seconds. Booker T hits the ring in black trunks and immediately cuts through all the uncoordinated brawling with a Book End on Johnny and a spinkick on a Harris, looking a million times better than everyone else. Ax Kick to Big T puts him down, but Stevie lariats the crap out of him. Kidman’s finally out with a crossbody on Vito and a tornado bulldog to a Harris (who of course takes a pussy bump off of it). After like three straight minutes of fighting everyone suddenly and calmly hits their cues to go to the ring apron and calmly do a regular tag match. Harlem Heat work over Booker T with shots until he moves and Big T slams Stevie Ray, gets superkicked to the floor, and Booker pins his brother with a… side Russian legsweep? Uh yeah, okay. We come back from break with two teams- yes, they really edited out Booker accidentally Harlem Side Kicking Kidman and having him get double-bombed by the Harris Twins’ “birthday bumps” finisher, the H-Bomb. The Mamalukes beat down a Harris, but he grabs the ref so the other one can pull Johnny to the floor. They work him over with basic stuff (then run outta moves in 20 seconds so it’s just brawling, but there is a side slam!), and Johnny manages a wheel kick to tag in Vito. You know you’re watching excellence when the heels get a hot tag and run wild. Vito’s Flying Elbowdrop gets two- a Harris interferes and they immediately hit Vito with the H-Bomb! But Disco runs in with the tag belt, beltshot, it’s over at (8:02 shown)- the Mamalukes retain. The Harrisses attack after the bell and see the heels off, hitting Disco with the H-Bomb.

Only in WCW can you have a 4-Way Tag Match from the Champions where it’s 3 heels on 1 babyface team, the babyfaces are eliminated during the break, one heel team is taken out by a transition move in 1 minute, and the heels get a hot tag then cheat to win.

Rating: * (almost halfway to “okay”! The best stretch was Booker hitting 4 cool-looking moves… then he was gone during the break and we got to watch two bad rookies against two bad veterans)

Post-match, Mean Gene deals with a ranting Stevie Ray, incensed that he was pinned on a “two-count” (to be fair it was close). Then Brian Knobs proclaims himself a Hardcore legend and THE DOG shows up, frothing at the mouth. Yes, I had to check to remember who played him- it was former Master Blaster, Al Green, one of WCW’s jobber corps suddenly upgraded into a JTTS who acted like a literal dog.

Proof I am not making up The Dog.

WCW UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
“THE CHOSEN ONE” JEFF JARRETT (w/ Three nWo Girls) vs. VAMPIRO:
* So Vampiro is a largely-untrained goober who had his best success in Mexico, where he was a good-looking rock & roll-type dude to make up for his shortcomings. WCW was his only real shot at American notoriety, and he kinda/sorta got a reaction from the fans, mostly because he was one of the few guys trying REALLY HARD, even though he sucked. Speaking of, they show a cheap victory by Jarrett over Vampiro on Nitro, where JJ hits The Stroke and Vampiro very clearly stops the bump with his head a foot from the mat. WCW was so eager to get Jarrett over at this point that he had THREE floozies with him- I recognize Tylene Buck (… for reasons) but not the other two. Oh, Jarrett names them as Midajah (Scott Steiner’s later “Freak”) and Kim (… who?).

Vampiro lands a lariat & wheel kick in the opening moments, then does a li’l skip over to the ropes to send Jarrett to the floor. He follows with a pescado, a rail-slam and a flying strike that looks like the thing guys are always going for when they end up punched on the way down, then the Harris twins come out for a distraction. Vampiro ends up on the floor and gets beaten up, then gets turned inside-out on a clothesline. The worst go-behind/rollup ever gets two for Vampiro, but he climbs to the top and gets punched to the floor. Another Harris beating leads to the Mamalukes returning to beat THEM down, causing a big distraction. Vampiro with an enzuigiri and a weirdass waistlock Rock Bottom gets the visual pin, but the ref is way late because of all the fighting. Jarrett teases a chairshot and DDTs Vampiro for two as the latter’s looking TIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED, and Vampiro rolls him up out of a Figure-Four for two. Jarrett knocks him into the ref and goes for the belt, and Vampiro uses the US belt to smash Jarrett! No ref, but a new one comes out… and Nick Patrick (the original) pulls HIM out to prevent it, and Jarrett uses the distraction to hit The Stroke on a belt (thankfully Vampiro bumps properly this time), getting three (5:00). Vampiro gets hit by the H-Bomb and spraypainted “nWo” to bury him dead. Lol they spent all show building up Vampiro and talking about how “everyone is talking about him” in the wrestling world, and now he gets the “lol nWo beatdown” bury-job.

Actually a decent match! Poor Jarrett had his working boots on, flinging himself around and spin-rolling through everything to make Vampiro look like a worldbeater. Sadly neither has very good offense, but Jarrett was game. Some decently choreographed cheating, at least, and they covered Vampiro’s weaknesses quite well.

Rating: ** (about as good as your typical Thunder main event)

Overall, a great example of the disaster that was WCW. The guys with potential (Booker T, Kidman, Finlay) were an afterthought. There were impossibly bad gimmicks that would never get over (the Demon, Iaukea as a Prince knockoff, The Dog, The Maestro). There were some goofy ones that got some positive attention because everything else was god-awful (The Cat, Norman Smiley, David Flair) but would have failed in a bigger promotion. Pushes for 2/10 and 3/10 no-talents (The Wall, The Demon). Tag Team Champions who would be a bottom-tier squad in any decent promotion. Some amazingly weird matches (the 4-way tag, Demon vs. Lodi). Situations so counter-productive to a guy’s skillset they end up disastrous (Bam Bam Bigelow has to TALK, and then take some bumps off a slug). A main event where a solid worker had to work double-hard to make a terrible one who was almost over look good. Tons of 1-2 minute nothing matches where either both guys look bad or one ends up horribly buried. Then randomly Arn Anderson decides to try hard and does a really good job with a promo in some POS angle, lol.

Guys like the Demon and Maestro looked AWFUL here, getting no offense and getting beaten down after, and even worse- the guy they WERE pushing, Vampiro, was also left laying and spraypainted… and by a stable of “The Guys Vince Didn’t Want Anymore”- Jeff Jarrett and the HARRIS TWINS as our top heels. And you can see the mediocrity makes its way through the crowd- the once-raucous WCW fanbase was now a bunch of quiet people who don’t respond to anything.

Was not expecting Road Warrior Animal with the Lisa Frank facepaint.

NWA INTERNATIONAL TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. JUMBO TSURUTA & YOSHIAKI YATSU:
(All Japan, 06/10/1988)
* This is a rematch to the one I reviewed from last week, as the Warriors have been NWA International Tag Champs for over 450 days, having beaten Jumbo & Genichiro Tenryu! And Yatsu, the “other guy” in so many matches around this time, is now Jumbo’s partner. The Roadies wrestled a bunch in AJPW in October ’87, but this is only their second match int he country in 1988- they actually don’t run to the ring this time, meaning this 23-minute video length DOES represent a long match, and Hawk swings around a fucking mace on a chain.

Immediatley the stakes are apparent as the 6’5″ Jumbo is just hauled into a press slam by Animal immediately, who flexes to show off. But he charges into a boot and Jumbo wipes him out with his amazing follow-through lariat and we’re at an impasse. Hawk’s in, and Jumbo uses technique to win a double-knucklelock, but Hawk breaks his full nelson by sheer power. Jumbo’s the GOAT because he does the little things like sell the pain to his fingers and flex them to make sure they’re okay. Hawk immediately ignores Yatsu’s dropkick (why’d he turn around to eat it back-first?) and press-slams him, then pops the fans by completely ignoring a piledriver, standing up like nothing happened. Jumbo gets tagged in and might be thinking “well he’ll HAVE to sell a leglock, right?”, but he would be wrong in that case cuz Hawk just rolls harmlessly all the way across the ring and shoulderblocks him. Animal comes in with a bearhug and starts doing REPS with Jumbo to awe the fans, but Hawk eats the corner trying a clothesline and eats a Double Knee Sandwich, doing a hilarious “I’m taking a poo” sell as he stumbles around. Yatsu pulls off a nice back elbow/bulldog right as Jumbo adds a Jumping Knee and Animal has to break up the pin, leading to Hawk taking a clothesline but arbitrarily no-selling- Animal shoulderblocks Yatsu down and works a chinlock, then takes a powerslam but launches Yatsu off of him. Animal press-slams Hawk onto Yatsu for two, but Yatsu hits an enzuigiri to escape, then Jumbo does his own for two- Hawk tosses him off and it’s a HAWKZUIGIRI, and Animal slows it down with a pithold. You can tell the Warriors are getting tired when it’s a resthold instead of all their cool shit after 5 minutes.

Jumbo slaps his pec to fight off the pain and ducks a clothesline to hit his Jumping Knee, but AGAIN Animal flings him off the pin and Yatsu finally forces Animal back with repeated leg kicks and seems to shoot trip him up (Animal HAS to take a bump when his foot’s pulled up that high), but Hawk just casually grabs a chair and smashes him to stop a figure-four. Jumbo comes in and does one to Hawk, who either doesn’t know how to sit in it or has no interest in making it look good, then rolls over and DOES SOME PUSHUPS before Jumbo tags out. Yatsu gets kicked in the face, then punched to stop a sunset flip, then they hit a STIFF double-back elbow for two. Jumbo goes up to the top and does his taunt to indicate he’s gonna axehandle Animal… who backs up to avoid taking it (haha), and Hawk uses the distraction to sneak in. Animal powerslams Yatsu, Jumbo breaks it up, then Yatsu counters him with a release German, only for Animal to just ignore it and tag out, then Hawk tries to fly in… but misses the turnbuckle completely with his foot and stumbles, having to do a running axehandle instead. The locals take a beating on the floor, but Yatsu fires back and it’s a Jumbo flying knee smash/backdrop suplex for two! Hawk escapes and Animal can’t or won’t sell Jumbo’s stuff right so he just cranks on a Jumbo Lariat and THAT strikes true- Hawk breaks up the pin and everyone hits the ring. When the poor ref admonishes Hawk, Hawk lifts him up and dumps him over the top to the floor! Jumbo goes flying into the post and Hawk hits him with a Flying Clothesline, another ref jumping in for the pin, but no- the one on the floor recovers and it’s a Disqualification at (13:48)- New Tag Team Champions! Jumbo & Yatsu have the belts because Hawk tossed the ref! The Road Warriors respond to this by smashing Jumbo with the belts and clubbing Yatsu, leaving Jumbo bleeding like crazy. The Warriors raise their arms in victory and bail, leaving a bloodied Jumbo & his partner to hold the belts. Jumbo’s grumpy “OWWWWWWW” face as he sells even during the championship ceremony is why he rules.

Man, Earthquake is GIGANTIC, haha. Like a full head taller than Misawa (as Tiger Mask).

What a mess, haha. This starts like all Road Warriors matches do- it’s completely awesome. Tons of power spots, the Roadies being impossibly strong and durable, etc. And then five minutes in they start hitting double-hand chinlocks to kill time between spots, start relying on repeated offense cuz they ran outta moves, and faltering their storytelling because they don’t wanna sell too much (or can’t), and so they’ll eat some big move or a double-team, then just arbitrarily roll to their feet and tag out like nothing happened. They have to be so frustrating to wrestle that all their opponents just need to think about the money this is drawing. Jumbo tried his best but even he was like “ehn, just tag in Yatsu since they’re not gonna sell my stuff very much anyways…”. Add to that a couple of biffed high-flying moves (I swear Animal just backed away for a shoot so he wouldn’t have to sell Jumbo’s, plus Hawk slipped). But still fun in that anarchic coke-fueled way the Warriors were good at.

Rating: **1/2 (a fun, wild brawl with lots of ugly spots and weird moments)