The Headhunters vs. Avatar & Aldo Montoya (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I found an AMAZING match while digging for Avatar matches- it’s THE HEADHUNTERS vs. Aldo Montoya & Avatar on a WWF RAW dark match!! Two of the lamest acts in WWF history versus the guys who showed up at the 1996 Royal Rumble and disappeared forever! Avatar is of course Al Snow as a masked high-flier, while the Headhunters (as the “Squat Team”) showed up only for the Rumble and then did one extra dark match before being sent off to ECW & FMW. This is a fancam match as well, AND features a screw-up due to carelessness! Read on!

Next up, an equally strange find, as the Russians head to ALL JAPAN- it’s Nikita Koloff & Krusher Kruschev (Barry “Smash” Darsow as a Russian turncoat!) vs. legends Jumbo Tsuruta & Genichiro Tenryu! With what I imagine is some SASS from Giant Baba on commentary! Then my PWI #500 searches continue- the only Mike Paige match I could find as he wrestles Sean Cordova in an embarrassingly tiny building, and indie dweeb Chrisifix vs. Nick Fury in Asylum Pro Wrestling!

Two obesitrons who mostly wrestle in Japan & Latin America on a one-week WWF stint against Justin Credible with a banana-mask and Al Snow as a masked loser gimmick. I love wrestling.

THE SQUAT TEAM (Headhunter A & B) vs. AVATAR & ALDO MONTOYA (The Portugese Man-O’War):
(WWF RAW Dark Match, Jan. 22nd 1996)
* OH MY FUCKING GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! What a perfect world! THE HEADHUNTERS in their 2-week WWF stint, and they wrestled the two worst gimmicks in the company!? Be still my heart! So the Headhunters are Puerto Rican brawlers who can do moonsaults despite being people of gravity, and debuted at the Royal Rumble, immediately got dumped by better, more overweight men (Vader & Yokozuna), then were quickly gone. Aldo Montoya is current scam artist Pete “Justin Credible” Polaco under a banana-yellow mask with a big nose on it, acting as a Jobber To The Stars. Speaking of, here’s Al Snow as AVATAR, as he could kinda do flips like a Japan Junior so he comes out looking like a dork, then puts on his mask right before the bell rings. Avatar lasted maybe a couple months. Avatar’s in orange, Montoya in green & red, and the Squat Team (I keep forgetting that was their name) are in black & white muscle shirts with black pants.

Avatar starts with Headhunter A (let’s call him that) and they actually do an INTERNATIONAL to start- Avatar winning with dropkicks and a hilariously shitty “clothesline using the wrist”. He throws punches and a running roundhouse kick into the corner. Aldo with the flying punch into an armbar as the fans are HILARIOUSLY loud considering the tiers of wrestlers here. The crowd pops for AVATAR shouting to them! Don’t they know this will probably get a bad star rating? Headhunter A reverses a whip but charges into the post and Montoya works the arm some more, then the crowd ERUPTS for some Al Snow goodness- he hits another flying arm-punch, but gets his eyes raked and in comes “B” for a double-flapjack into a stereo Splash/Enzuilegdrop combo! B punches Avatar in the throat and hits a BIG FAT FLYING SPLASH!

Seriously, though- YIKES.

Aldo wisely breaks up the pin, but instead of being forced to leave he just gets to throw punches until his own eyes get raked (“YOU MISSED!” cries the fancam guy over the whiff) and then hit a drop-toehold/legdrop on him. As I wonder why, I see Avatar weakly roll over to the corner and hit the floor, where an agent rushes over to him. Uh-oh. But wait- he just calmly gets on the apron and holds his head down. Well I’ll overlook the blatant non-tagging THIS time but *wags finger at the rules violation*. “A” works over Montoya with punches & chops, then an avalanche, tagging “B” for a double-headbutt, but Montoya does the old “immediately counter-punch” and slugs away and flips him to the floor with a clothesline! Polaco Pescado! But “B” holds Aldo in place and “A” goes out and throws out a TOPE CON HILO, only to nail his brother! Avatar scoots over to the corner for a plancha, and has to wait a comically long time, so the OTHER Headhunter has to wobble from across the ring to get into position to take it instead of the other one. Aldo works over the other and tragically it’s a Double-Count Out at (4:31). But Avatar goes out to beat on a twin, being dragged back by the other for the slam and the Moonsault… and misses! Huge bump by the fatty! That actually gets a good reaction and we’re out.

Tragic non-finish and possible injury to Avatar aside, this wasn’t as bad as you might expect. Just a peppy little “babyfaces get some stuff, heels double-team them” match with a handful of big moves by the Squat Team, who are probably looking to impress by taking some big bumps and show what they can do. It obviously wasn’t enough for Vince, though. Given their short Rumble run, it seems like they were just brought in for a quick job or two- they hop over to ECW for a couple months then spend the rest of the year in Japan’s FMW.

Rating: *3/4 (not as bad as you’d expect and had a hot crowd. Big bumps by the Squat Team but they can’t really bump or sell much, limiting their use, and there’s an awkward couple of bits probably thanks to injuries)

NIKITA KOLOFF & KRUSHER KRUSCHEV vs. JUMBO TSURUTA & GENICHIRO TENRYU:
(All Japan, Jan. 2nd 1986)
* Oh my god it’s JUMBO vs. SMASH!! And also Koloff! And Tenryu! What a weirdo match! I didn’t realize the Minnesotan Russians did an All Japan tour. The Pinkos charge the ring during intros and send the poor flower ladies scurrying as they whip their chains around. Nikita looks like a bad MFer- just an insane physique. But Darsow is noticeably taller- I think that’s an underrated thing that would keep Hogan/Koloff from being the Dream Match some people think. Commentary: “I expect they’ll show us the essence of American wrestling’s power and roughness” as Darsow shows some considerable bacne. Well that explains his added beefiness.

Right away young Kruschev knows to scream at the fans for cheering the babyfaces, then no-sells Jumbo’s shoulder-check, Jumbo making sure to puff out his cheeks in disbelief as Kruschev flexes. A headlock turns the tide, as Tenryu can double-team in and get his own, but he’s quickly swallowed up by Koloff, and they keep doing a thing where Koloff hammers away with strikes but inevitably misses one and grimaces at him. Kruschev has more luck with restholds while Baba & Commentary Guy go on about how wrestler’s physiques have changed, though the translator on YouTube is having issues- something about how “in the 1960s there were Bruisers and Crushers, but now guys are even bigger” as they reference the Russians & Road Warriors. Baba with the classic snark of “they only throw lariats” but admits they’ve never been defeated and they’re incredibly popular. Haha is he Monsooning this or being a workrate snob? Jumbo does better with strikes on Kruschev, but the old standby of “drag him to the ropes” (this is UNIVERSAL in all the ’80s Japan/Gaijin matches I’ve seen) gets him double-teamed by Russians. Double-clothesline gets two and Koloff bearhugs him. Baba references Ivan Koloff- “When he’s in the ring, their teamwork greatly improves”. SASS.

The Russians won’t sell for Jumbo and trade off on bearhugs & slamming him into the corner, then Koloff pops Tenryu to draw our first real reaction of the match- they’ve just been “quiet and respectful” until now, like Chris Jericho is wrestling. Koloff with ANOTHER bearhug, but thankfully Tenryu gets the tag and they WAFFLE him with a double-elbow smash. But our third flying axehandle turns the tide, only for Kruschev to eat a boot- he sells an enzuigiri (doing a hilarious flat-back bump like it popped him forwards) and Tenryu powers him into a backdrop suplex. Koloff gets in and hits the chinlock as commentary discusses the Russian Sickle, thrown with the power of Road Warrior Animal, then more Restholdamania sets up Tenryu getting dumped and immediately making the tag- Jumbo Knee to Kruschev! But he pops up immediately, takes a Jumbo Lariat, then Jumbo hits his finisher Backdrop Suplex- the pin’s broken up by Koloff and Kruschev bolts STRAIGHT to his feet again hahaha- Koloff brings out the chain and they clothesline Jumbo with it, then do the same to Tenry, leading to the Disqualification at (11:36). Jumbo sells his throat on the floor while the Russians double-team Tenryu in the ring, smashing his belly and throat with the chain and choking him. Even now the fans are kinda like “…”, probably because they’ve spent all match in chinlocks. The Russians leave while Jumbo checks out Tenryu, another All Japan Fuck Finish ending.

Man this was a lot of dragging ass, haha. Koloff in particular appears to have a deep, abiding love for chinlocks. Probably not surprising as the Russians were green as grass at this point (when Baby Darsow is your workhorse you got issues), but it was a never-ending stream of “hit resthold/push to corner for tag and an axehandle/then do another resthold” and so the fans quickly learned to settle down for the duration until it was time for something fun. The Russians did almost EVERYTHING and did it as simply as they could (possibly because of the “translation” issues that some foreigners have in Japan- the styles gel well but intricate spots just aren’t a thing with visiting gaijin), and were possibly annoying the natives by not selling anything (eating strikes and just firing back; Kruschev takes Jumbo’s three biggest moves in succession and pops up like nothing happened). It’s funny comparing the Russians to Road Warriors- they’re probably better “workers” than the Warriors (who at this point had to basically be forced into position by opponents and wrestle short matches so they didn’t blow up), but because they fight this long, slow match instead of a quick, scrappy, ugly one, it bores the fans and they mostly sit around, even when they fight and cheat and such… which actually means the Warriors might be better workers all along, haha. Wrestling is weird.

Rating: ** (maaaaaaaaaand so many chinlocks. And for a match under 12 minutes! No wonder the crowd gave it the “Jericho Match” treatment!)

Illustrating the size difference here.

TEAM 2000 (Masahiro Chono, Giant Singh & Giant Silva) vs. HIROYOSHI TENZAN, HIRO SAITO & TATSUTOSHI GOTO:
(New Japan, Feb. 13th 2002)
* Yes, the GREAT KHALI wrestled for New Japan. In fact, that’s where I first heard of him- I remember contemporary New Japan fansites talking about the promotion and how Masa Chono had brought in two giants as his partners- Giant Silva (one of the Oddities from the WWF) and Giant Singh, an ENORMOUS Indian with a bodybuilder’s physique. Years later, he would join WWE as “The Great Khali”. Here, he’s younger so might be able to move better, but is greener. He’s shirtless and wearing baggy purple pants, while Silva still looks like a ratty-haired hobo in loose-fitting black apparel. Tenzan is feuding with Chono at this point, and his backup is Goto & Saito (a 22+ year vet). Goto has bad bleached hair and a dark mustache, and I think they just called him “Mr. Backdrop”. Saito is “Mr. Senton” and a barrel-shaped short guy- sorta like a goofier-shaped Jim Neidhart. I’m unfamiliar with both of them. I’m told they were “NJPW chuds” who spent years as card filler, haha. Tenzan is rising up the card, and has purple bicycle shorts and a simply TERRIBLE haircut that goes all the way around to being amazing- a hi-top turbo-mullet with bleached sides.

Tenzan takes the pre-match handshake as an opportunity to lariat Chono down and fire away with chops and headbutts, but Chono Yakuza Kicks him down. They exchange mat-wrestling attempts and titty-slaps (huh- so Chono is the guy who wheezes like Principal McVicker from Beavis & Butt-head when selling), then Chono fights Tenzan into an STF. Then Tenzan gets a sleeper. Scintillating house show pace so far. They both tag out and in comes Giant Silva! Goto looks hilariously ineffective with his forearms and gets pounded into the mat like a tentpole, Silva going “YAY!” and getting the best crowd response so far. Huge slam and an elbowdrop and Silva is doing a good job making every move look impactful because of his sheer size. Goto ducks a lariat and works the leg to set up a BACKDROP attempt, wowing the fans, but no dice- Silva easily stuffs it and facelocks him, but overdoes a charge and hits the floor.

Khali’s physique was CONSIDERABLY more impressive near his debut.

Saito/Singh time! Great bit as Saito throws chest chops and shakes his hand because it’s SO HARD and Singh just wipes him out with one swing. Singh throws the fat guy around like a baby and drops a huge elbow, Saito rolling over so he tries MAT WRESTLING of all things to work the legs. Singh looks bored as Tenzan & Goto leap in to beat on him, hits a big boot, and leaves- Chono takes a beating from all three opponents and MR. SENTON strikes with two of them! Two avalanches hit and Mr. Backdrop does his… no, Chono spins into a face bump. Tenzan misses a flying headbutt and Silva comes in with a boot to Saito, then makes him do a crazy bump by throwing him into Razor’s Edge position and just LAUNCHING him. Giant Splash hits and that’d be it but the others put the boots to him- this brings in Singh to lariat them both down and everyone hits the ring. Tenzan FLIES into him but oh noooooo Singh was supposed to catch him but instead falls down. He stomps on Tenzan’s nuts while Chono sets up the finish- A Giant Silva SPLASH from the second rope! That kills Saito at (11:58), Team 2000 winning.

Well that was House Show-y. Essentially Chono & Tenzan work two lazybones matches with one segment for each Giant against a midcarder, doing fun stuff like no-selling and dropping 1-2 big strikes before tagging out. Simple but effective stuff, but doesn’t really make the giants seem as overwhelming when they’re not in the match a lot. At least they didn’t have to sell at all, and easily won once one of the jobbers got caught out. Silva seemed better than Singh here, as he knows to react to the crowd and is like “HEY GUYS WATCH THIS!”, which actually makes them respond, and even simple moves look impactful coming from such a big dude.

Rating: ** (perfectly acceptable house show bout, though not much of a showcase for anyone but maybe Silva)

Imagine filming yourself in your bathroom and thinking “Yes. This is what I want the world to see.”

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: CHRISIFIX:
#500 appearance: N/A (#456 in 2011, #489 in 2012, #467 in 2015, #489 in 2016)

-Chrisifix is a standard-issue indie nobody wrestling in the south, primarily Georgia. He appears above in a HILARIOUSLY bad promo where he’s openly copying Jon Moxley and trying to do his “intense soliloquy” stuff while looking like a goober. It’s what the kids call CRINGE. He actually has a WWE TV appearance, as one of four dudes squashed by Omos in a single bout. His Cagematch ratings are amusing- “An unexciting indie worker with a lot of time to spend online harassing and trashing other wrestlers.” He’s short and unimpressive-looking.

CHRISIFIX vs. NICK FURY:
(Asylum Pro Wrestling, Jan. 26th 2024)
* All the matches by this “Chrisifix” dude look super short on YouTube, but this video’s 12 minutes long! This looks like a tiny indie, and his opponent… he KNOWS people know who Nick Fury is, right? He’s in almost all of those Marvel movies that everyone knows and has seen. Like that was the only name he could think of? Why not Garrison Fury? Also he looks like a meth head- scrawny, flabby body, lots of tats, bad unkempt beard… okay that’s actually a solid look for “scary wrestler” these days since ya never know if he’ll bite a dude’s nose off. Though he mostly looks like a Temu Briscoe Brother. Chrisifix is squat and semi in-shape, wearing gear that actually must have cost real money.

They trade some “we went to WRESTLING CLASS!” armbar reversals to start, then an International into a Fury front facelock. okay extra points for doing the “drop-down” and instead rolling over to grab the ankle instead of letting Chrisifx hop over. Okay I question doing “headlock reversals” in the opening bit of the match, though. Chrisifix seems lead-assed, though- he won’t go up for ANYTHING, taking shitty bumps off a hiptoss & atomic drop (he’s barely six inches off the ground!). He bails off a boot and stalls on the floor for a while, then goes for the DISINGENUOUS HANDSHAKE~~, just wasting all the damn time, haha. Fury doubts him, but grabs his cheating kick and neckbreakers him, keeps working an armbar, then Chrisifix gets a vertical suplex (using the INJURED ARM how dare he!) and a shoulder-check (taking like a minute between moves), then fights out of sleeperhold (why is the babyface getting all the restholds?) and gets bulldogged. Chrisifix misses a stinger splash and gets elbowdropped for two, then ends a slugfest with a back elbow. Fury charges but eats a powerslam for two. But he no-sells a bodyslam and fires off clotheslines & European uppercuts, then a rolling kick for a double-down, goes up, and hits a terrible Frog Splash for… Chrisifix rolls out of the ring and gets COUNTED OUT (13:33)? He couldn’t eat the pin off that? hahaha what is THIS?

Well this came off like “Wrestling School 101”- doing the most basic stuff possible, interspersing moves with lots of taunting and selling, doing slow strike-trading to set up transitions, etc. A very lazy indie match- given the audience (small and many kids) I can get not killing yourself at least. Funny seeing Chrisifix’s edgelord promo above and then seeing him act like a 1980s Memphis heel with all the goo-gah and time-wasting, haha. His whiny selling is okay but his bumping isn’t great (though again, the audience).

Rating: 1/2* (like it wasn’t like they were messing anything up, but they stalled FOREVER and then went to that weaksauce finish)

THIS WEEK’S PWI #500: MIKE PAIGE:
#500 appearance: 2006

-Mike Paige has the dreaded “black text on Cagematch” name, meaning he has no profile- the only guy of his era not to have one, and I can’t find him on any other PWI 500. There’s only one whole match on YouTube, too! All my research indicates he showed up on a podcast that’s 2 hours long so I’m not gonna listen to that, haha. He’s not even on WrestlingData or anything. Looks like he’s a Southern US wrestler who worked for micro-companies.

MIKE PAIGE vs. SEAN CORDOVA:
(NAWA, Tyler, Texas, Jan. 18th 2003)
* This is from a promotion so small there’s no room on THREE of the four sides of this ring for fans to sit, and a big fat guy in a polo shirt (“When’s it due!” is the first reaction from a fan) comes out to yell at a TEENY tiny guy in blue tights and a hoodie- this would be Steve Cordova, who uploaded this match to his own YouTube channel. At least Paige gives him shit for being so small, as Cordova’s like 5 foot even and MAYBE 110 lbs. Cordova insists “I’m a RESS-UH-LUHR” and they fight… with Paige in his polo & black slacks.

Paige suckers him with a knee to the gut, but immediately eats a tilt-a-whirl headscissors despite weighing literally twice what his opponent does. Paige whips him off the ropes again and eats a DDT as the camera keeps stopping so the match time might be inaccurate, haha. He no-sells some shoulderblocks, but gets cocky and Cordova missile dropkicks him. He actually does a bump off the kickout and Paige works him over while the camera guy keeps making pregnant jokes at Paige’s expense, then exposes the business with some obviously “intended to miss” shots and gets rolled up for two. Paige clotheslines him and chokes away, then tries to slap his bony bare chest, but Cordova fights back and lights him up with chops. A knee turns the tide and Paige keeps going for the knee, even doing the dreaded SPINNING TOEHOLD as clumsy as can be. Paige with a figure-four & another deadlock, somehow looking klutzy while doing SUBMISSIONS, does an embarrassing missed clothesline, and Cordova pops him one to set up the finish- a Springboard Buff Blockbuster gets the pin at (8:27-ish). Well Paige at least paid for his arrogance.

hahah, DREADFUL. It was clearly a guy who has been trained versus a guy who was probably self-trained, as Paige seemed somewhat capable but just brutally clumsy (a big fat guy wearing regular business casual clothes in a micro-company- big surprise), doing obvious “intended to miss” shots because all Cordova could really do was bump and fling himself around. Cordova hit loose stuff without any impact but could at least run around okay.

Rating: DUD (even worse than the usual #500 guys- neither guy can really wrestle at all, though Paige MIGHT be better in real boots)