Young, Skinny Andre the Giant vs. Strong Kobayashi, Sabu vs. Haystacks Calhoun Jr. (and other Dream Matches!)

What an absolute monster, haha- jesus christ.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a real treat, as someone has uploaded a video of SKINNY ANDRE- “Monster Rouimoff” in *1972* taking on Strong Kobayashi in an IWE Series Match! Just spectacular to see a guy Andre’s size doing a traditional NWA-style match while also throwing in tons of Coward Heel spots like a good gaijin menace, putting over his brave, noble Japanese opponent. It’s wild seeing just how athletic and quick he was at this point.

Then a tribute to the dear, departed legend SABU, as I was shown the weirdest possible match I haven’t yet covered- a 1993 FMW house show match against HAYSTACKS CALHOUN JR., an American indie worker who weighed 400+ lbs. And then it’s over to WCW, as they give poor Renegade the nastiest kiss-off ever as he faces Kevin Sullivan, who pins him handily and they ruin his gimmick and bury the shit out of him on national television! Yes, it’s the legendary “Now you’re just PLAIN OLD RICK!” match. Then it’s over to a terrible East Coast indie for a sad look at “The New Demolition”, as Ax teams up with BLAST (a fat nobody) against Mr. X and The Kodiak Bear, doing the most stalling EVER yet also impressing me with his indie goofball selling! Finally, WWF Prime Time gives us the other member of Demolition, REPO MAN taking on the recently-debuted Max Moon!

MONSTER ROUSIMOFF vs. STRONG KOBAYASHI:
(IWE World Series Finals, Japan, 5/6 1972)
* Oh yeah I absolutely HAD to touch on this one- YOUNG SKINNY ANDRE THE GIANT vs. Strong Kobayashi from 1972 Japan! Andre was only 26 years old here and looks it, with a body more similar to how Ernie Ladd looked- long and lean. He’s a bit soft in the tummy but nowhere CLOSE to as monstrous as he later became, but he still has that giant head and those enormous hands. Kobayashi is legit- I’ve seen a great match against Don Leo Jonathan that’s my favorite pre-1970 match so far (****). Andre, now “Monster Rousimoff”, is in black trunks while Kobayashi is in red, with those sideburns I see on Inoki from his ’70s era. Andre is more than a head taller than his opponent (who is a big dude by Japanese standards), with his then-trademark short afro.

FIRST FALL: They play it well to start, as this’ll be a long one- long bits of lockup attempts and simple moves, turning each other to the ropes, then Kobayashi bounces back off a shoulderblock, looking shocked at Andre’s power. A big, arduous headlock takeover puts Kobayashi on the mat- Andre’s REALLY good at making it look like he’s trying to twist this dude’s head off even with a baseline move. They do a very “NWA Style” match, with the “yep yep yep NOPE” counter attempts that Andre keeps reversing, always going back to the move. Andre just punches him in the face at one point, telling the ref it was a slap. Because of the times, doing 4 minutes of this stuff earns a crowd pop when Kobayashi turns the headlock into a hammerlock. Andre’s roars are SPECTACULAR, here- his leonine voice just booms through the hall every time he’s upset, really putting him over as a monster and showing frustration at the local hero. Andre pulls the hair to take him down! BOO! Extra points for braying to the fans of his innocence and pantomiming a clean takedown. I wonder how much of the style being like this was just to work guys into a sweat 10 minutes in so the rest of the match looks more arduous, haha.

Andre releases a hold to cry about fans calling him out for tights-pulling, ends up in a headscissors, and uses his size to tactical advantage by pushing out using his legs. This sets off a scrap from the ground and Kobayashi batters him and hits a SNAPMARE of all things, kneedropping the throat but missing a second so Andre tries the “bear throttle”, getting snapmared again and worn down with strikes until just LAUNCHING him off of a pin attempt. Andre now begs off like a wuss but PSYCHE- Kobayashi bitches to the ref and Andre immediately bolts in from behind and throttles his ass! Hah! Andre now growls like a monster, having finally caught him making a positioning error. He starts twisting Kobayashi’s head like he’s trying to actually pull it off, rattling the walls with cries of “SUBMISSION!!!”, getting frustrated and popping him. Kobayashi goes into the corner, Andre takes off the turnbuckle pad on the other side, but bounces off it himself! Bodyslam by Kobayashi! But Andre immediately punches him in the gut and hits a motherfucking JUMPING TOMBSTONE (called as such) in 1972! That’s the pin at (14:39).

SECOND FALL: Andre immediately pushes his dazed opponent to the corner, but punches the turnbuckle! Great “oof!” facial reaction and Kobayashi has found a weak point! He STOMPS THE HAND, Andre bellowing bloody murder with every shot, holding his outstretched had as if it’s been shattered every time- such inhuman noises. He finally just turtles up all whimpering, but suckers him into an ankle-pick (NICE- see him hook the other ankle with his free hand to complete the trip), only for Kobayashi to pull him into a submission, pushing off the shoulder while holding that hand. Andre finally leverages him into crushing the throat with his boot, then chops the throat a couple times (the hand is CURED!) and begins throttle/choking with an inhuman grin on his face, just brutalizing the native hero and smashing him with overhands and a giant leaping headbutt to put him on the floor. Andre follows him out there to pummel him and then grabs each rope with one hand to STRANGLE him with them, compressing them together!

haha, eat SHIT, Kobayashi.

Kobayashi is fading against this brute, but Andre’s starting to punch himself out and Kobayashi’s like “Sorry- the name isn’t MEDIOCRE Kobayashi!” and picks that point to make his comeback! He ignores punches and throws combos into Andre’s bread-basket, doing a “grab the tights for leverage” power-punch to the gut- Andre tries to choke free but Kobayashi is relentless, pounding him down as he wails away. Andre collapses off a corner whip and bails to avoid the assault, but Kobayashi kicks his ass on the floor over and over again, whupping him on the apron and SNAPMARING him in- Andre chokes free and throttles him again, but Kobayashi has found his real weak point and elbows the gut over and over again. Andre has to smash him into the turnbuckle to stop him and they brawl it out, but he takes Kobayashi down with a kneebar that they work for a while- damn, I felt like they were peaking. But it leads to the finish, as Andre roars and bobs his head in a counter-hold, then fights into an STF-ish move with a choke, shoving the ref off him when he tries to break it- Disqualification at (14:20).

THIRD FALL: Andre is dumbfounded to not be awarded the bout in 2 straight, but immediately takes his frustrations out on Kobayashi with more throttling, gives some instructions… and whips him off the ropes, allowing Kobayashi to come back with a GUT PUNCH! And Andre’s in Andre Position in the ropes! Kobayashi beats the shit out of his gut and fires off two big running charges to the stomach (Andre’s head-shaking “NO!” is great), but Andre frees himself so a third puts Kobayashi on the floor. Andre pounces, but flings himself over the top missing a shot, throttles him, then folds him up in a hilariously low-technique “just grab and compress” move. But this allows Kobayashi to POWER OUT, Andre warbling in horror as he’s twisted into a Boston crab attempt! He rolls out of two tries, but Kobayashi yanks him off the ropes and completes it! Andre almost immediately makes the ropes but the crowd still claps and pops for it, and Andre fades, collapsing off a corner whip for two. Kobayashi keeps striking every part of Andre’s body to finally kill him, but the giant begs off like the GAIJIN COWARD he is and hides in the ropes.

A low-key favorite spot of mine is the heels pulling this bullshit like 9/10 the way into a match and being like “COME ONNNNN! Sportsmanship!” and then immediately cheating.

hahaha oh my god Andre now tries the DISINGENOUS HANDSHAKE, hollering at the fans to let him try, and Kobayashi responds to a squeeze by just booting him in the gut and hitting a BEARHUG, leaving Andre screaming. Andre nearly fades, collapsing against his opponent, but fires back and throttles him until Kobayashi ducks him and Andre goes over the top! He tries to get back in, but unwisely puts his foot between the bottom and middle rope so when Kobayashi slugs him, he’s left HANGING UPSIDE DOWN, and he’s too helpless to get out! Andre is Counted Out at (8:00)- Strong Kobayashi wins!! You can tell it’s old-school because “Babyface Wins” means everything, as the crowd loses it and cheers on their hero despite being what fans post-1990 would consider a Fuck Finish. All that matters is that the good guy wins in THESE times.

Oh man, Andre in his youth is a TREAT! He already has so many of the “little things” mastered and is acting like a gutless coward despite his enormous size- look at him beg off and hide in the ropes to frustrate Kobayashi, who is too BRAVE AND STRONG to try such weaksauce tactics, then pounce on him and choke him out the second he turns away to face the ref. Andre’s “NO!” and caterwauling every time Kobayashi tries something puts him over so well- like he’s some sort of overwhelming force that the fans should TOTALLY be cheering. Shaking his head and shouting from his diaphragm puts over all this stuff. It’s funny how you can still see the Lou Thesz-ish “NWA Style” in there, with the “ten minutes of slowwwww counter-hold stuff” getting everyone all worked up and sweaty, and then they stop that style entirely to get into the real meat of the match psychology with all the character stuff. Andre back when he could bump was great because even his technique was good, and here he is going up for snapmares, doing perfect bumps 40 minutes in that see him hit the corner and collapse, etc. Remarkable to see him so athletic, as much as his later “Aura” depended on guys not being able to budge him and Andre making them WORK for their selling. The match itself was arduous and yet perfect for the style, as the “work for every move” NWA-style pays off, there’s strong psychology as Kobayashi needs to find weak points to take the lead, Andre fights dirty repeatedly but gets too aggressive and pays for it by losing two straight falls out of carelessness (the only clean pin was Andre’s, in the first), and more.

Rating: **** (wrestling this aged is tricky to rate, but masterful bumping, psychology and great “Cowardly Heel” work throughout)

SABU vs. HAYSTACKS CALHOUN JR.:
(FMW Fancam House Show, 8/1/1993)
* I was looking for Sabu stuff I hadn’t reviewed before to honor the man after his untimely demise (well… sixty is kind of a ripe old age for an ECW alum, particularly one who wrestled like HE did, but it’s still sad!), and HOLY SHIT- FMW had him fight Haystacks Calhoun JUNIOR, who I didn’t know existed. Calhoun comes out to the theme from “Ghostbusters”, which… is his white shirt supposed to bring to mind the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man? Cuz the blue overalls kinda ruin it. There’s actually been a few guys taking this name, I think, but this guy is SUPER green. He’s a mere 6’5″ 450 lbs., nowhere near the size of the original Calhoun. But I do hope to find some FAT MAN STAND-OFFS if I look for more of his stuff. This is a terrible fancam of a house show or something.

Sabu knows enough about wrestling psychology to immediately establish the stakes, trying a shoulderblock and immediately bouncing off and hitting the floor. Like it’s a moronic thing to do, but immediately puts the audience into it like “ah- regular tactics will not work because this man is obese”. He then tries a flying whatever and probably overshoots whatever they were about to do (probably a “catch and slam”) and improvise a Calhoun beatdown. Sabu takes a big half-Jannetty bump off a lariat and then they try that springboard again, Calhoun kinda slamming him down with a bad grip. Calhoun uses the ass-bump in the corner then an “avalanche” and oh my god this guy’s running, hahaha. Calhoun hits a long vertical suplex and the World’s Strongest Slam, having noticeable difficulty getting up each time, but misses the FAT GUY LEGDROP so Sabu immediately springs to life and rifles a chair at him. He WORKS THE TUMMY with chairshots but the ref takes it away, then does some very unathetlic “backflip into shoulder-charge” spots until Calhoun walks out with another lariat. Calhoun hits a neckbreaker but misses a splash so Sabu tries to hit a motherfucking HURRICANRANA of all things, Calhoun compressing him with a powerbomb. Jesus they trusted a green 400-pounder to do THAT? Sabu rolls to the floor and they do a pretty weak fight until Sabu’s put on a table and Calhoun tries to hit a LEGDROP OFF THE APRON, missing and crashing through it. oh well, THAT drew a pop! He’s Counted Out at (5:22), Sabu winning.

Well that was fun! I mean it was poorly-wrestled and an obvious “house show effort” with like 5 moves by Sabu, but he bounced off the fat guy enough and ate some offense. Holy shit seeing that big dude crash through a table off the apron is funny, though.

Rating: *1/2 (your everyday nonsense house show match with 1-2 fun spots, some buggered ones, and Sabu mostly being ineffective but winning due to speed and not being a fat hillbilly)

“THE TASKMASTER” KEVIN SULLIVAN (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. THE RENEGADE:
(WCW Nitro, Nov. 6th 1995)
* So this is the end of the Renegade push, as I guess he wasn’t getting over with his Warrior ripoff act, and Sullivan, the head booker, was out to do the duties. Sullivan is, as always, a little dwarf in yellow trunks and Uncle Leo’s “angry eyebrows” while Renegade’s out in his singlet with yellow “R” on his face.

Renegade immediately BOLTS to the ring, and so far so good- he hammers Sullivan down repeatedly (though Kev goes down like shit for one of those clotheslines, looking like he just tripped). Sullivan goes over the top in an ultra-safe bump (turning away from a clothesline so he can more easily do the flip out) and Renegade leaps over the top rope to snarl at him and give chase. But Jimmy Hart with his megaphone draws aggro and Renegade completely turns around to face him, of course getting hammered for it. He’s crotched on the railing and slammed into the steps a few times. Sullivan works him over with his corner tummy-stomp and slaps his titties a few times, runs him into the turnbuckles, then does a shitty slingshot into the ring landing on knees (that was his fault- he was way too low on Renegade’s body). Renegade hits a powerslam and cartwheel back attack in the corner, but overdoes a flying knee and ends up hung in the tree of woe. Sullivan knees him in that position and hits the dreaded SECOND ROPE TUMMY STOMP and oh my god that’s the pin at (2:42). Renegade is totally wasted from that shitpiece offense, leading Jimmy to hit the ring with a cup of water and towel, splash Renegade’s face, and they smear all his makeup off while Jimmy makes sure the camera hears him say “All you are is just PLAIN OL’ RICK! A nobody! You’re NOTHING! You’re finished! It’s over!”. Heenan: “What he just did is destroy that man’s identity! You’re not Renegade!“. Commentary AND performers burying the shit out of the guy. RIP Renegade. Uh, for real, too.

The match was pretty basic- kind of a fuckup with that senton but nothing else looked disgustingly bad, and Sullivan was about done as a wrestler by this point- he had a bit of a physique but looked stupid at his height engaging with big pro wrestlers as a regular guy. What really stands out is just how cruel the burial is- a “Poochie’s DEAD, kids!” moment with an actual human being in it, haha. And it all looks even worse because the real person shot himself after his career fell apart! Like poor Rick may have been no good in the ring but he didn’t ASK to have this giant push and terrible gimmick that stuck to him forever! Like what did he do to deserve THIS? A “you suck and you were never actually good in the first place LAWLZ!”. He is taken off TV for a couple months, then turned into a TV jobber, appearing much more rarely from then on.

Rating: *1/4 (everyday weaksauce bout between two guys who aren’t any good)

UNIVERSAL WRESTLING SUPERSTARS TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE NEW DEMOLITION (Ax & Blast) vs. MR. X & THE KODIAK BEAR:
(Universal Wrestling Superstars, Staten Island, tragically not listed on cagematch so no date)
* oh god, someone compared the awful Detroit Demolition vs. Rufus R. Jones match to Marge’s imagining Bart as a failed stripper, and then I saw THIS! Ax slumming it with an indie dweeb as “Blast” to recreate Demolition. With the very New York name of Carmine Azzatto, Blast is obese (but in that “this guy suffers from diabetes and runs like shit” way, not the “this guy is impossible to body slam and hits lethal splashes” way), has short hair, and has brutally half-assed his makeup, lacks a cool S&M mask (Ax has actually IMPROVED his), and is wearing a plain black outfit with “BLAST” hanging way too low on his ass. They’re wrestling an actual, honest-to-god Mr. X (a generic dude with a black mask) and Kodiak, who is a dumpy-assed middle-aged guy with long hair and a beard, wearing a bodysuit that should be doing a better job of hiding his physique than it is. He gets on the mic and says “I don’t want nobody calling me BALD!” to get heat as I can now see that he has a way-too-tiny font of “KODIAK” written on his ass. Oh man this is so low-rent- I love it. He also demands they don’t call him fat, so I now declare his appearance is 100% justified because he’s now whining about it and doing the “hide in his partner’s arms and being head-patted to soothe him” thing.

SHAMEFUL, haha.

They waste time for like two minutes as Mr. X, who has zero hair exposed, keeps whining about hair pulls and Kodiak throws fits over being called “baldie!”. X gleefully laughs as he whips Ax to the corner, but eats the boot-clothesline combo and hits the floor after Ax messes with his mask. They Zbyszko the match further, wasting like two minutes between all the simplest shit. Blast/Kodiak go, Kodiak hitting the floor off a clothesline and Ax smashing the heels’ heads together- Kodiak gets launched in (well, sorta- he leaped as much as he could). Blast does a shitty version then Ax the real one of Jumping Demolition Axehandles, and Kodiak Flair Flops off a back elbow. Ax shouts “Break his neck off!” and does a neck vice (“It’s not gonna be pretty!”), Kodiak moaning in agony, then Blast pulls him balls-first into the post. haha extra 1/2* just for Kodiak doing a silly “sore balls” jig around ringside. For like thirty solid seconds! Ax hits more axehandles and Blast comes in for more waddling punches, but gets eyeraked and the jobbers hit generic offense on him. Mr. X’s Brooklyn accent is hilarious (“Look at big Demuhlishun NOW!”) and they hit a double back elbow and a bunch of plodding shit until Blast hits a double-clothesline to come back and beats on both guys, then I swear to god calls a spot and hits a CROSS-BODY for the pin at (12:36). Oh sure, the famous Demolition finish of the cross-body!

okay this was an awful stall-fest with like 4 moves in six minutes, but Kodiak Bear won me over with his ridiculous selling and doing the pee-pee-dance around ringside when his nuts hurt, even as Blast was useless. Ax was fun in his usual “Demolition at a house show” way, doing the standard axehandles and being mean and nasty with the usual spots (“Gimme a boot!” then smashes a face into Blast’s boot). Funnily enough it’s solid when the heels are selling, but as soon as they’re on offense things fall apart and get dull as all they have are indie brawling- this might just be on Blast for sucking, though. Ax hitting a cross-body of all things for the win is hilarious, too- they can’t give up the good Demolition Decapitation spot on a show this small? Or is Blast just not strong enough to hold either dude up for it? To be fair, the crowd was actually into it, as they worked enough heat to ensure the bad guys took tons of verbal abuse from the fans and got their just desserts.

Rating: * (a pity star for Kodiak Bear’s amusing performance as a hapless heel)

REPO MAN vs. MAX MOON:
(WWF Prime Time, Nov. 2nd 1992)
* OH HELL YES!! I went searching for more Repo Man stuff to fulfill a request, figuring I’d reviewed all of his star vs. star matches, and find THIS! A MAX MOON match I hadn’t seen before, no less! So this is Paul Diamond in a costume Konnan bailed on, and he fires off some fireworks to the amusement of a little girl in the crowd, who points and laughs at it.

Max Moon freaks Repo out with some intimidating barrel rolls, but Repo works the arm as Moon calls some spots (nice close-up, camera guy). Moon does a spinning counter but Repo pulls the hair to reverse, and they do boring arm stuff as this is clearly the “Monsoon & Hayes discus the Survivor Series” match of the show. Moon threatens to make things interesting by bridging out of a double-knucklelock but it’s back to pitholds, but Repo finally drops him neck-first across the top rope four minutes in. Legdrop and some shot off the ropes get two-counts, but Moon dodges him and they collide for a double-down. Moon hits a running roundhouse kick in the corner and a leaping back elbow gets two as Monsoon would call this an “upset”, but Repo gets battered in the corner and takes a swing with his trailer hook- that’s a Disqualification at (5:43), tragically robbing us of a finish.

Rating: * (just a total slog of armwork as the only purpose was to recap matches- not exactly their fault- then a couple half-decent moves into a DQ)