Bobby Eaton vs. La Parka (and other Dream Matches!)

More of Demolition & the WWF trying to figure it out with their facepaint. It’s changing every appearance, probably on purpose, but eventually they settle on a look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First off, it’s the most “1997 WCW” match possible, as Bobby Eaton, now a washed up star from the ’80s working third-tier shows, facing LA PARKA, one of the “second tier” of WCW’s luchadores! Then I check out more of DEMOLITION as they continue to work over their gimmick- Barry Darsow joins as the new Smash and suddenly they immediately figure it out in the ring, doing tons of clubbing blows. This features both a squash over the Pre-Young Stallions (Paul Roma & Jim Powers) in April 1987, then a match in October against Brady Boone & Scott Casey with an AMAZING post-match angle!

After that, it’s a request as Uncle Elmer of the WWF “Hillbilly” faction takes on BIGFOOT, aka journeyman loser Rip Morgan! Then a batch of matches by request, as it turns out that two of WWF’s “filler midcarders” had a TON of bouts in the Attitude Era: Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman! Two straight matches!

PS you have no idea how annoyed I am that WWE’s top angle is now John Cena vs. Randy Orton and I did their first match against each other in LAST WEEK’s column, haha.

LA PARKA vs. BOBBY EATON:
(WCW Saturday Night, Nov. 15th 1997)
* Now THIS is the WCW I know and love! A washed-up former great Southern wrestler who peaked in the 1980s as a tag guy doing a singles match with a crazy chair-wielding luchadore. Mulletted Eaton is a babyface slapping hands with the fans and wearing long black tights with stars on them.

lol, Parka starts this with the DISINGENUOUS HANDSHAKE and Bobby straight-up falls for it, hugging him and getting slugged. They slug it out, keeping it VERY simple in the vein of “lucha doesn’t mix well with US style” matches. Eaton hits a back elbow for two and dodges a Leaping Nothing in the corner, selling his groin as Dusty does a unique mix of putting over and burying, explaining that Eaton “was once a great champion” and held gold, and is “trying to find himself once again”, so “if you’re asking- how important is this match here on the muthaship- well it is VERY important for Bobby Eaton”. So it puts over the match as more than just two non-pushed dorks but also makes it clear that Eaton is a former great and now a jobber, lol. Parka bails and gets catapalted into the ringpost, but quickly recovers and posts Bobby. He then hits a scoop slam in the ring and his shitty flying cannonball move and like… sits on Bobby and fucks up the pin for a sec (he puts his foot on Bobby’s throat before awkwardly repositioning to the Jade Cargill Pin) before THAT’S THE END at (2:42). Oh my god poor Eaton, lol- beaten by a low-ranked luchadore to his clunky-ass move, and a pin where it looked like Bobby didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing (do you sell the foot to the throat? But it’s the FINISH so you can’t kick out!). Like, Parka botched A PIN. And then Teddy Long & Hardwork Bobby Walker come out and Long propositions Eaton (… FOR HIS STABLE I mean!), putting over the magnitude of this loss. Did that go anywhere? I only remember Eaton teaming with Kenny Kaos after this point.

Rating: * (just a pretty ugly mini-match, kept simple with lots of slugging it out, then Parka’s clunky-ass finisher winning it)

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. JIM POWERS & PAUL ROMA:
(WWF SuperStars, April 25th 1987)
* My look-see at Demolition sees one of the earliest changes- not only has Randy Colley been replaced by Barry Darsow, but they have a NEW MANAGER, the Devious One, Mr. Fuji. And they have theme music! It’s an early take on what became their eventual theme, having the guitar riff but no lyrics. Both guys have very “black” makeup, not having set the standard they’d later use (not sure when that started)- Ax has a black face with red makeup on one side and light blue on the other and Smash is mostly silver with a yellow lightning bolt and red around the eyes and short hair with little facial hair. Powers & Roma here are JACKED and in matching red trunks, but are “in the ring to my left” and aren’t the Young Stallions yet.

Smash somehow gets on the wrong corner of the ring to start (lol rookie), and Ax starts with Powers and just SHOVES him down from a lockup, then hits a meaty-ass clothesline and immediately tags out. Ah, THIS is the Demolition I remember. lmao Fuji’s inset promo on the Young Stallions: “Powers and Roma- you two beautiful handsome men. When you go against my team… you will look like Frankenstein! You look so ugly… you have NO FACE AT ALL! You PIG!! Pigggg hahahah!”. Smash comes in and just batters the shit out of Powers, then drops his neck on the top rope and Ax twists it. Jesse puts over how the kids “have done next to NOTHING in this match”, putting over the Demos just as Smash puts his head down early and gets kicked. But Roma promptly misses a dropkick and Demolition Decapitation finishes him off at (1:59). Jesus, THAT was quick! Poor Roma looked like a total pussy going down like that, haha. As a squash it was fine, but a bit abridged (mostly slow brawling, probably for the inset promo). It does wonders for the team to see them effortlessly crush two roided jobbers, though.

Rating: 1/2* (again it’s SO quick and hard to assess their skills, but just powering guys around and bludgeoning them to death endlessly gets Demolition very, VERY over by 1988- 2/5 on the Squash Scale)

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. SCOTT CASEY & BRADY BOONE:
(WWF SuperStars, Oct. 31st 1987)
* Shooting forward to the end of ’87, I found this AMAZING Demolition performance. Further things have moved along- their theme is now the FANTASTIC full version with badass lyrics that are actually really cheesy lines but still rule. The Demos are in MORE weird facepaint this time, with Ax in all-black except for silver “wings” over his eyes, and Smash in red facepaint with thick white lightning bolts coming down- it’s like they KNEW they had something with this “vertical line” look, but it took them a long while to get the “all white with red diamond outlines” look that he ended up with. Boone was a heavily roided li’l guy and would be a “pushed jobber” at points, and was the first BattleKat in the company. Casey is much bigger and bulkier, and oddly they’re in matching all-white gear, like a real tag team.

Smash starts with Boone, immediately pounding him down but the li’l guy leaps over his gut-punch and tags in Casey, who throws a clunky-ass dropkick before missing another. Smash slams him and Ax puts on the Jumping Demolition Axehandles while we get an inset of a dreary Billy Jerk Haynes, Boone’s cousin, stumbling over his words as he is proud of him for making it in the WWF- “I love ya, cuz”. Smash puts on the neckvice, tags Ax, then runs over to slug Boone, haha. Ax back elbows Casey down and just casually gets off after “1” and this match is clearly an extended one, as the Demos kill time by doing repeated tags to hide that it’s basically an entire match of overhand clubbing blows. But Ax wastes too much time punching Boone on the apron and so Casey’s able to roll over and make a tag! Boone with the high-speed offense sees him come over the top with a dropkick, Smash counter a whip, and Boone leaps over him off a backdrop attempt and knocks him into the ropes with another dropkick, then a back elbow, then he dropkicks AX to pay back their attacks and starts slugging away… but tries a rana and Smash catches him. Ventura is amused as Smash drops him throat-first across the top rope (A+ sell by Boone, who snaps up, stumbles back and flat-backs in a starfish pose). Demolition Decapitation and we’re done at (3:31).

BUT WAIT! As a showcase of their power and inhumanity, the Demos do it TWICE MORE, just ragdolling tiny Boone all over the place in an act of savagery. Bruno & Vince are disgusted while Ventura is amused and HERE COMES BILLY JERK! Clad in all orange, he starts fighting both guys at once, but they immediately overwhelm him and hit HIM with Demolition Decapitation! haha, LOSER! And then in comes jailbird Ken Patera (Haynes’s partner) and he starts doing okay… and then they grab Fuji’s cane and kick HIS ass, too! Boone does a fuckin’ stretcher-job while they lay waste to Patera with repeated blows to his helpless body! Oh damn this is amazing- talk about putting guys over strong. How often do you see the heels fighting off TWO babyface saves in a row, completely wiping out everyone, plus earning someone a stretcher-ride to the back?

I really liked the story of the match- the jobbers were faster and had some good stuff, but would eventually screw up and get caught. It was very interesting how Boone hit all this stuff on Smash, who technically sold WAY more than big guys do for jobbers, but importantly he never once got knocked down. Both him & Ax just absorbed all this shit and stumbled back because they “got caught”, but that they immediately wiped the floor with them the second they got an opening still keeps them as dominant ass-kickers. Like it was only 3 and a half minutes, but establishes that “Jobbers Fast. Demolition Slow But Tough & Mean”, then has them put over ridiculously strongly at the end.

Rating: *1/2 (great mini-match with a good story, having Demolition show strategic flaws yet establishing that they’re unstoppable monsters- 5/5 on the Squash Scale)

UNCLE ELMER (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. BIGFOOT:
(WWF All-Star Wrestling, Sept. 1st 1985)
* By request from Mahn! It’s Uncle Elmer, somehow only the second shittiest of the “Hillbilly” faction in the ’80s WWF, taking on a guy known only as “Bigfoot”, which is hilarious for a jobber. Shockingly, he appears unblurry on this video, showing off furry boots and the facial hair you’d expect of a man labeled “Bigfoot”. Oh, this is apparently Rip Morgan, a classic “Journeyman” minor guy who popped up everywhere- I know I’ve seen him in the Royal Family with Jack Victory. The Hillbillies get a great reactions, tons of fans flooding ringside hoping to get their hands slapped- DON’T THEY KNOW THESE GUYS HAVE BAD WORKRATE? Hillbilly even grabs a young fan and brings them over the railing for an impromptu hoedown while Jesse Ventura complains of the smell (“I don’t smell that, Jess, and gorillas have excellent smell!” “I think this Gorilla’s got a stuffed up nose!” and Gorilla immediately pops). Bigfoot actually swipes off Elmer’s goofy hillbilly hat while he’s doing the walkaround, provoking him into the ring.

Bigfoot, acting all aggressive, now gets easily flung back out of a hammerlock and whines, while Gorilla explains the story- Hillbilly was injured by Brutus Beefcake in a “Pearl Harbor job” and went back to the “kinfolk” to bring in Uncle Elmer. Elmer bounces him around and hits an “avalanche” and a shitty backdrop where Bigfoot has to do EVERYTHING, then a big legdrop finishes at (1:31), Elmer literally rolling onto him like a writhing pig. Well it fits the character, haha. Bigfoot impressed me- Elmer is beyond useless but Bigfoot would do shit like “beg off” and end up in the corner to eat avalanches, flung himself around off an immobile opponent, and more.

Rating: 1/4* (more impressive for Bigfoot carrying the match against a useless opponent, but it was all stalling for the most part. 2/5 on the Squash Scale)

GANGREL vs. “THE LETHAL WEAPON” STEVE BLACKMAN:
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, Oct. 24th 1999)
* Someone recommended I review Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman, but wouldn’t you know it- there’s like 4-6 of these on YouTube from 1999-2000. Probably because they’re in the “Gangrel & Steve Blackman Division”- guys who aren’t over but are perfectly acceptable midcard filler who can just be thrown out there for a short match or a mini-angle as long as you don’t want it to get very over or anything. Though it’s easy to make fun (no sane promoter would EVER push either of these guys to even the upper midcard) you do need “utility/filler” guys like this, and both had distinct gimmicks and looks. Gangrel has been dumped by both the Hardy Boyz AND Edge & Christian.

This is our “talk about the angles of the day” match, as commentary is all about the Hardy Boyz and how awesome they’ve been, then segues to actually using the term “Title Opportunity” with Chris Jericho whining about one and taking on D’Lo Brown as a result. The boys do simple “trading strikes” at a slow pace (likely for said “Angle Exposition”) until Gangrel counters a hiptoss with his high-angle front double-arm suplex. More slow booting gives us a spinning elbowdrop for two, then Blackman casually hoists Gangrel crotch-first on the top rope and dropkicks him to the floor. Gangrel just rolls back in and takes a casual inverted atomic drop, then Blackman wastes time until they actually do a goddamn “reverse a crossbody” spot, Gangrel getting two and then charging into a Northern Lights suplex. Gangrel gets a DDT to buy himself some time (… his FINISHER is a DDT. Why the fuck is he doing one as a transition move?), but runs into a backbreaker. Gangrel pulls out the “bounce out of the corner” sell off a corner-whip, then gets superkicked out of another one, hitting the floor. hahahaha then Gangrel hits up the chalice for some blood and sprays it in Blackman’s face while the ref does the “oh fuck- this is the finish” quick walkaway, turning around for absolutely no reason other than to miss the cheating. The Impaler (a DDT, but not the same as the floatover one- it’s a leaping one) finishes at (3:25), Gangrel stealing one.

haha oh man, I actually LOVE these “Angles of the Day” recap matches. The poor wrestlers are forced to go out there and wrestle total dogshit matches with lame, plodding “walk & stomp” offense and tons of stalling to avoid distracting from all-important recaps of the Big Show/Big Boss Man feud and how mean Boss Man is being about Show’s dying father. Not that these two were gonna have a masterpiece without that, but you can always tell they’re probably given instructions to keep the pace super light. The funniest part is still Gangrel using a transition move that’s the same basic move as his finisher- he couldn’t think of anything other than a DDT?

Rating: *1/4 (basically a big waste of time as they do a low-effort back & forth- a good match was not the purpose of this segment, after all)

GANGREL (w/ Luna) vs. “THE LETHAL WEAPON” STEVE BLACKMAN:
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, Nov. 28th 1999)
* ANOTHER filler match only a month later- Gangrel has now been packaged with his then real-life wife, Luna Vachon, as his manager. Luna apparently gave Stephanie McMahon & Test a taxidermied squirrel as a wedding present. Luna bouncing around in excitement during the “chalice spit” spot is a bit incongruous.

Amazingly, this is ANOTHER “recap the angles of the week” match, as now Triple H & Vince McMahon have a restraining order indicating 50 feet must be between them at all times apparently. Gangrel does another hiptoss counter to his double-arm suplex and gets his twisting elbowdrop, but Blackman gets a weird powerslam with a foot of distance between their bodies. Gangrel does two of the same “flies out of the corner off a corner-whip” spot and AGAIN does a floatover DDT as a transition! They do the same “Gangrel spins around trying a strike” move, this time ending in a Blackman spinebuster instead of a NL suplex, then goes to a half-crab, holding the ropes (which makes it hurt more because of PHYSICS even though he isn’t actually using the rope to do anything- he’s just sitting there). Suddenly on cue the wrestlers rev it up AND commentary focuses on the match, Gangrel making a comeback after a double-clothesline spot, beating on Blackman with another elbow and Blackman takes a powder, where Luna jumps on his back. He tosses her off and gets back in, but they re-do the crossbody reversal spot from before, this time Gangrel pinning him with it at (4:33). You gotta watch out for the sheer technical skills of Gangrel!

It’s funny watching two dudes have the same match a month apart, because the moves are so similar you’d swear they watched the last one and copied parts of it- like obviously Gangrel would do that double-arm counter of a hiptoss as a basic thing. Him still doing a DDT as a transition move means that it was a REGULAR thing, making it even funnier (I swear I thought it was a fuckup the first time, like he probably went “ah shit, I should have done something else” after doing it, but nope). Even the crossbody-counter spot was the same, except this time it was the FINISH, Gangrel now being a babyface I guess and catching a flustered, distracted Blackman. Again not a great match, but a little fightier than the last one.

Rating: *1/2 (slightly more effort! But still Blackman vs. Gangrel!)

Amazingly, there’s at least TWO MORE Gangrel/Blackman matches, but I’ll save them for later, lol.