Mascarita Sagrada Jr. & La Parkita vs. Mini Mankind & Mini Vader (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time the assortment takes us all over the world, and includes insane things like Mexican Minis decked out in miniature versions of *WWF* gimmicks, weirdo Interpromotional Tokyo Dome matches, Goldberg squashes, the dying days of WCW’s midcard dorks, and the origins of FMW!

First up, it’s a AAA Minis match featuring Mascarita Sagrada Jr. & La Parkita Jr. up against Mini Mankind & Mini Vader in Mexico! All four guys are lucha minis, but an agreement with the WWF has two guys swap in WWF gimmicks! Next up, it’s Scott Norton & Dustin Rhodes teaming up against Shinya Hashimoto & Masa Saito in a total MESS where nobody is on the same page! Glorious stuff to review! Then it’s Goldberg tearing apart Kwee-Wee with the mother of all Spears!

Next, I found Chris Candido vs. Crowbar in a hyper-MOVEZ-y indie-style match from 2000 WCW Thunder! Watch two guys practically killing themselves to get over on a show nobody watches! And finally, it’s the origins of FMW, as a fancam show from 1989 pits Atsushi Onita in a martial arts-style match against Masashi Aoyama in a match hilariously devoid of good sportsmanship and tact!

MASCARITA SAGRADA JR. & LA PARKITA JR. vs. MINI MANKIND & MINI VADER (w/ Mini Paul Bearer):
(AAA, Feb. 1st 1997)
* By request, it’s the time we had a “Mini Mankind” and “Mini Vader” appear on WWF television during their time courting lucha libre… which consisted of throwing the Minis on TV, then bringing out some “couldn’t possibly get over in the US” stars to try and compete with WCW’s elite lucha guys. So I do a tiny amount of research into these guys and go “Oh! Mini Mankind is Espectrito II in a temporary identity! Oh, and he’s the TWIN BROTHER of La Parkita! Oh, and both were killed in a double murder in 2009!”. Two hookers had approached them, then poisoned them to steal their wallets- their small size is believed to have resulted in their deaths and the women got 47 years in prison. WRESTLING, everybody! On second thought, I actually had read about this. Of course I brought this up on the BOD and all the comments were like “I bet he got a short sentence”, lol. Mini Vader was the first Espectrito and the older brother of these two. Mascarita Sagrada is the most famous Mini wrestler, but this is the JUNIOR variant, who also wrestled as Max Mini for WWF, while Sagrada was “Mini Nova”.

PRIMERA CAIDA: Immediately Mini Vader is clearly not a proper Big Fat Heel because he’s tearing around flying for hiptosses like everyone else does, DAMN IT, then MSG & Mini Mankind bop into each other and sell. Mankind takes a Mulkey Bump (over the bottom rope, lol) to the floor, then Mini Vader hits MSJ with a “Vader Attack”. They double-team La Parkita to the point it’s clear you can just hang out in the ring all day with no tags (is this why AEW does it?), and Mini Vader hits a Powerbomb into a senton… but the ref totally ignores the pin so MSJ & Mini Mankind can do shit. Mini Vader has to do that “russian legsweep but it’s a forward roll” lucha pin on him, then hits a senton on Sagrada Jr. for the fall (2:59).

SEGUNDA CAIDA: Parkita does a lot of “lurching up from bumps” and twitch-selling as he’s bounced around by the rudos, and when he gets dumped MSJ gets beaten up. Mini Mankind presses him onto the top rope, they beat on him and mess with his mask, then he’s slammed from over Mini Mankind’s shoulder. Parkita does a dance but gets beaten on by Mini Vader, but manages a twirling armdrag out of rana position and lands on his feet on the apron, doing another dance, a flying rana, then the tiger feint after dropkicking the fattie to the floor. MSJ now bounces Mini Mankind around, dumps him, then does the same to Mini Vader, ending in a tope con hilo (over the middle rope, but still). La Parkita finishes Mini Mankind with a slingshot cannonball, fucking up the pin repeatedly but getting him (4:49). I guess Mini Mankind was the team captain cuz that’s good enough to end the fall.

TERCERA CAIDA: The rudos double-team Parkita, Mini Vader full-on kicking him in the balls, and MSJ comes in & flips Mini Vader, but also gets double-teamed. Parkita gets the same AGAIN but next time Sagrada Jr. tricks them into hitting each other, flips them both around, then has Mini Vader senton Mini Mankind. The attempted rudo comeback sees MSJ flipped onto Vader, where he does another complex armdrag reversal (clearly assisted by Mini Vader carefully holding him so he can reposition), then he puts both rudos on the floor and hits a slingshot cross-body to Mini Mankind, who SUPER carefully puts him down lest he land on the floor head-first. Parkita/Mini Vader are left in the ring, where Parkita does a hop-up backflip off the top rope, but his victory roll is countered by Mini Paul Bearer, who does the wimpiest tap with the urn I’ve ever seen. The ref was of course distracted, and a senton gets three. MSJ sees this and dropkicks Mini Vader, who must be tired because he does the single laziest shitcan bump in history, lazily walking to the edge of the ring and rolls to the floor, calmly adjusting his mask as he lands, haha. But the ref again misses Bearer cheat, tripping up Sagrada Jr., and Mini Mankind finishes him with a vertical suplex at (4:30).

Just dreadful, haha. Okay, so Sagrada Jr. is very acrobatic and does some okay stuff, but it’s really just 8 variations of the armdrag, hitting the opponent and doing enough spins to end up in that super-fake-looking “lucha armdrag” where you’re kinda touching them and rolling back allows you to LAUNCH them. La Parkita seemed okay, doing lurching and full-body twitches on all his bumps, but didn’t execute more than a couple of moves- he was JUST there to bump around. Mini Vader wasn’t impressing me- he bounced around more than a “Vader”-esque guy should (I know that’s the style but STILL), and his sentons were wimpy- doing a short hop and landing sideways with a gap between his body and the other guy’s instead of just skooshing them like a proper senton.

Rating: *1/2 (not only do I barely like lucha dynamics as-is, but this is the wimpier, more comedic version with every move being an armdrag)

GOLDBERG vs. KWEE-WEE (w/ Paisley):
(WCW Nitro, Nov. 20th 2000)
* So Kwee-Wee is a muscular indie nobody doing a “Flamboyant/Gay Male” gimmick and is NOT Lodi, despite what I thought for years (I hadn’t watched this era of WCW and saw a blond jobber and just went “Oh, they modified Lodi’s gay gimmick to that and gave him lots of steroids”). Humorously, high-heels make his valet taller than he is. “Above Average” Mike Sanders is doing commentary, acting as WCW’s Commissioner.

Kwee-Wee jumps Goldberg before he’s all the way in the ring, but scoots across for a slingshot move and OH MY GOD Goldberg Spears him in mid-air! He’s not hurt- that man is DEAD! The pin is academic at (0:29). But then Ric Flair, WCW’s short-haired CEO, comes out and declares Sanders a wrestler this day, and sics Goldberg on him. Sanders begs and pleads, but is hit with a brutal hanging pumphandle slam, then Speared and Jackhammered at (0:22). This was AMAZING and the only downside is Flair’s awful haircut. Though you really see the resemblance to David Flair with his hair all short and up like that. The recaps make the Spears look even better- Kwee-Wee had already done his springboard before Goldberg had even started to move, but Goldberg just revs up instantaneously and charges like five feet forward to slaughter him.

Rating: 1/2* (Goldberg annihilating losers is my happy place)

SHINYA HASHIMOTO & MASA SAITO vs. SCOTT NORTON & DUSTIN RHODES:
(New Japan Fantastic Story in Tokyo Dome, 04/01/1993)
* … huh. Weird. Norton was a New Japan go going a ways back, built up as a big, beefy gaijin, taking advantage of his inability and unwillingness to sell by making him a monster even though he was a 3/10 worker. And here he is teaming up with WCW’s Dustin Rhodes going up against two New Japan big-timers. Saito had been in the WWF for ages as Mr. Fuji’s partner, but was a legit wrestler and is a squat powerhouse (though is no longer muscular and is instead just stout), while Hashimoto is on his way up in the business. And of course this is a Tokyo Dome match with commentary from Tony Schiavone & Jim Ross. According to Ross, Saito is a last-minute replacement for Antonio Inoki, meaning this match is probably a good bit drained of potential heat. Norton’s in a black singlet, Dustin yellow trunks, Saito blue tights & Hashimoto his iconic black pants with the red stripes.

Norton immediately shows what he’s good at by daring Hashimoto to kick him in the chest, ignoring three shots before ducking a wheel kick and clotheslining him. Norton bowls him over twice (the second time awkwardly running into a ducking Hash; was he supposed to miss a lariat?), then takes a back body drop. Ah, THAT’s what Hashimoto was going for the first time. Hashimoto gets that wheel kick, but gets chopped down easily and in comes Dustin, absolutely towering over Fat Japanese Elvis. Hash tries a chop but is left selling for Dustin’s shitty Western-style overhead elbows before just tagging out to Saito. Dustin gets more elbows and suplexes him, but flies to the ramp when Saito dodges. Now DUSTIN fucks up a whip, bouncing off a ducking Saito sideways. They exchange chops and Norton comes in, ignoring clotheslines and hitting his own, then chopping him down despite Saito’s attempts to power through it. But he misses another clothesline and takes the Saito Suplex (a side-grip gutwrench backdrop suplex), then Dustin takes one… then Norton pops right up to knock Saito down again, lol. Dustin’s in and Saito just goes right over for a tag, Hashimoto hitting a kick and a slam (which looks like Dustin thinks it’s supposed to be a suplex), but Dustin fires back and absorbs throat-thrusts for the Flip, Flop & Fly for two (the crowd actually responds, apparently knowing Dusty well enough), then slows it down with a chinlock.

Norton just hauls Hashimoto into a superplex of all things, but won’t cover- he hits a neckbreaker and various plodding shots, then Dustin dumps him and hits a DDT as this continues to have no flow to it. Over to Norton’s powerslam for two- Saito breaks it up. Big release powerbomb- same result. But Norton misses another charge and eats a DDT… and ACTUALLY SELLS SOMETHING. He even bops his head back for some Saito chops and two Saito Suplexes get two. Dustin pulls Saito off, then Norton hits a powerslam but Hash pulls HIM off, and Saito comes in against Dustin and gets a Saito Suplex on him. But Dustin promptly dropkicks Hashimoto, interrupting a potential hot-tag situation. But Hashimoto swallows him up and hits some chest kicks into the wheel kick for two, Dustin eating it sideways. Dustin takes a flipping bump off a lariat and Norton comes in and gets knocked away by Saito, so Dustin takes the charging DDT… and hilariously treats it like a NECKBREAKER, swinging around on the bump. Biggest reaction so far for Norton breaking it up, but Hashimoto hits his Enzuigiri finish to send Dustin tumbling over, and Norton’s too blown up to make the break at (13:57).

oh man this was so bad, lol. Firstly you have Norton, grumpily refusing to sell ANYTHING and popping right back up after all the moves and getting blown up after 45 seconds of action. Then there’s Dustin, not knowing how to wrestle in Japan so he just spams terrible overhand elbows, mistimed to how the Japanese guys are planning on taking offense. Both guys stymie Hashimoto’s attempts at doing his “Absorb punishment but hit a serious face and kick their ass”, because they keep interrupting any attempts at him doing it. Then there’s mistimed leapfrog/back body drop spots, guys throwing random gutshots at strange times, and more. Plus Dustin’s weak-ass “overhand elbows” that look super out of place in a promotion all about stiff lariats, chest-kicks and stuff like that, and insisting on doing Western-style “flip sells” off of strikes to the point where he’s sometimes landing ON Hashimoto. Saito mostly just did his suplexes (HE OLD). Nobody was on the same page and it looked like they were having four different matches out there, causing fuckups in momentum, selling, etc. Fascinatingly bad.

Rating: *1/2 (just a mess of a match)

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE:
CHRIS CANDIDO (w/ Tammy Sytch) vs. CROWBAR (w/ Daffney):
(WCW Thunder, 10/5/2000)
* A dream match for the ages sees both guys- Crowbar at the peak of his career and Candido in the tailspin of his, eking out a living in WCW’s midcard under Vince Russo. Crowbar is Devon Storm doing a “crazy guy” gimmick with blue jeans and a pipe. Candido is his usual cowardly self, in silver trunks.

They start scrapping immediately, Crowbar hitting a bad headscissors off the top (Chris lands ON him), then they do indie-style reversals until Candido hits a DDT out of being lifted up. They do an international into Crowbar’s Death Valley Driver (as his SECOND MOVE? What indie bullshit is this?), then Crowbar gets a slingshot legdrop, making “crazy guy” faces at the fans to set it up. Candido backdrops him to the floor in a scary bump (Chris is NOT careful to make sure he’s ready and just drops him vertically- thankfully Crowbar has the rope hooked), then follows with a pescado. He grabs a chair, so Crowbar baseball slides it into his face and follows with a splash off the apron, then puts him on a chair and charges off the apron with a clothesline. He elbowdrops an imaginary guy to be crazy, but gets suplexed onto the ramp, only to counter another to the Mindbender (sit-out front suplex) for two. He climbs up for a super frankensteiner, but Candido counters to the SUPERBOMB… and doesn’t even cover! He goes up, so Daffney runs in and punches him in the balls to set up the FrankenScreamer (… no DQ?), then Tammy comes in for the catfight (and the biggest pop of the match). Candido finally hits a terrifying Sit-Out Tombstone (why is a dude that short doing that move?), looking like he dropped Crowbar head-first, and… fucking GETS UP AGAIN to hit more shit! And poor Crowbar is angled all wrong and has to slide halfway across the “Thunder” mat logo to take the Flying Headbutt for three at (4:51).

Actually a hard-worked little match, though indieriffic to the point of stupidity- nothing says “MOVEZ” like hitting a DVD as your second offensive move and it not really mattering to anything, then doing tons of chair-based moves and huge bumps on the B-show, leading to a SUPERBOMB with no cover attempted, then a sit-out tombstone, AGAIN with no cover, then a finish that’s so poorly set-up Crowbar is left doing the “sell of shame” to awkwardly get into range (which Candido should have dragged him to in the first place). Just a very “Candido”- match- the squat lil’ dude was always out there throwing all the “Japan Highlights” he could muster due to a lack of charisma and star power Like that’s a huge amount of stuff to hit in a five-minute match, especially since nobody is watching Thunder in the first place. How exactly was this gonna help them get over?

Rating: * (like it was looking to head to ** territory because of the pace and effort level but then Candido just kept piling on MOVEZ, unnecessary interference and more MOVEZ)

PRO WRESTLING vs. KARATE (Round-Based Match):
ATSUSHI ONITA vs. MASASHI AOYAGI:
(FMW Launch Battle fancam, Oct. 6th 1989)
* From Maffew and a guy who was searching for a match he remembered seeing but couldn’t recall the guys fighting in it, it’s Onita vs. Aoyagi! This is actually the Main Event of the FIRST EVER FMW show. But it’s apparently the second part of a trilogy? They had apparently wrestled on a freelance show earlier in the year, Onita getting DQ’d in Round 4. Aoyagi is a legit karateka (I guess?) and had debuted in wrestling only this year. Onita was fresh out of All Japan, where his Junior Heavyweight career was destroyed by knee injuries. The stage is a small-looking hall and it’s non-televised- this is a fancam. Aoyagi is a short, chubby guy in a karate gi, while Onita is a portly short guy with a big fat ass with “ONITA” written on his blue trunks.

Onita sets the stage immediately by disrespecting a handshake, and charges Aoyagi to beat him down in the corner. After a stand-up, Onita grapples him down and beats on him again, then does a Fujiwara armbar. Aoyagi gets a kick caught and is hauled into a half-crab, Onita killing time by half-applying it until the bell. Oh no! Aoyagi comes right out of the gate with a kick combo that sends a wobbling Onita to the floor! Aoyagi completely beats his ass again with repeated shots, but Onita uses the ref break to clothesline him like an asshole and buys himself some time. Aoyagi beats the shit out of him again and a struggling Onita nearly gets counted down. Onita ultimately grapples him against the ropes and punches him square in the eye. Things get wild next round as Onita redoes the last punch, but gets hauled down and beaten senseless, then when the ref breaks it up in the corner, takes a swing at one of Aoyagi’s followers and gets beaten down AGAIN, kicked to a pulp while he’s down. He manages to slug Aoyagi again and fights him into a backdrop suplex… but when he’s up eats the rolling kick to the face. “8” count off of that and when Onita’s up, he’s struck down by another combo and the ref has to drag Aoyagi off him AGAIN- Aoyagi doffs his shirt to show that THIS TIME HE MEANS IT to a great reaction, then a kick combo puts Onita on the floor and Aoyagi follows him out there to continue the beating!

They’re on the floor for the whole break, and Onita’s in first and is all like “yeah I’m winning!” to the crowd but Aoyagi comes in and hits a fuckin’ Bruce Lee FLYING KICK to put Onita on his ass! But when the ref starts counting him down, Aoyagi’s DESIRE FOR VIOLENCE is too great and he starts jumping on Onita’s beaten body! And then he kicks the REFEREE in the ass for breaking it up and continues to kick a downed Onita in the face! Fuck rules! Martial arts sucks! Pro wrestling is superior! Eat shit, UWF! Aoyagi keeps up the pressure, and now slobbish Onita is just lolling around and going open-mouthed to sell the pain as he has no chance anymore- the crowd keeps chanting for him but Aoyagi nukes him with a spinning heel kick to the face. Onita ignores all common sense by still getting up and begging to be let continue, but Aoyagi throws knees into his head until the ref calls it at (0:47 of Round 5).

haha that was WILD- instead of having this reasoned, mature contest of Pro Wrestling vs. Karate or whatever, it just immediately turns into a heated, hateful fight. Eventually the rounds stop mattering as they fight through them or are on the floor, and they throw out all decorum with Aoyagi just ignoring ref-counts and stomping on Onita to punish him some more. They came off like they HATED each other. What’s more, it kind of establishes that Onita can’t “fight” his opponent- he decks him a couple of times and manages some grappling stuff, but can’t counter Aoyagi’s spinning kicks and so just starts getting waffled over and over again, to the point where he gets over just for repeatedly getting up against this onslaught. It’s a good showcase of how good technique doesn’t make a match great, because Onita wasn’t doing anything a first-year couldn’t do and his own stuff was pretty sloppy, but that was only the PHYSICAL aspect. This told the story of the martial arts dude just battering the pro wrestler until the ref had seen enough, and also that mere “rules” weren’t going to matter due to the hatred between the two men. So next time they meet (in four days), Onita will need a different tactic.

Rating: ***3/4 (great fun and a scrappy fight)