Toshiaki Kawada vs. Umaga (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I start off with a request: It’s Jamal, late of Three Minute Warning and pre-Umaga, in 2004 All Japan wrestling Toshiaki Kawada for the Triple Crown! Come see what a 41-year old Kawada can do with a midcard tag team wrestler getting his biggest push to date!

Next up, it’s a bizarre Puerto Rican match, as WWF’s Demolition (Smash & Crush) head to town to face top babyface TNT (Savio Vega ripping off Great Muta) and Giant Warrior- a god-awful Caucasian giant who stood out as bad on a team with Tyler Mane on it (as the “Land of Giants” in All Japan)! Then finally it’s a pair of interesting matches from the same 1997 edition of WCW Saturday Night, as first the Texas Hangmen (Disorderly Conduct’s old gimmick) face the rare nWo duo of Syxx & Konnan, and then Ric Flair & Curt Hennig team up against Mortis & Wrath!

ALL JAPAN TRIPLE CROWN:
TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. JAMAL:
(All Japan, 06/12/2004)
* This comes recommended for my column! I forget by who! Umaga, who had kinda started out in FMW in Japan in the late ’90s, comes to All Japan, dressed more like he was as Jamal in Three Minute Warning (ie. no facepaint)… oh, he’s called “Umaga” on the video but here he’s clearly called Jamal. And to show how F’d up my personal timeline is, I’d had this written down as “newly fired from WWE”, thinking it was post-Umaga, when he hasn’t even STARTED being called “Umaga” yet- this is actually between WWE runs, as he spent a couple of years away before returning as the Samoan Bulldozer. So at this point he’s just “One half of Three Minute Warning” in terms of credibility. We get several clips of him allied with Taka Michinoku’s stable of heels and powerbombing guys like crazy. Light reactions for both guys- I swear the ref gets more of one. Jamal is MUCH more physically large than Kawada, being a bit taller but a LOT more stout. He’s wearing some tape over most of his right arm, covering a NASTY bicep bruise.

We start slow with lockups, and establishing Jamal’s size advantage with a shoulderblock & no-selling some chest kicks. He’s briefly halted with some kicks to the knees but just bullrushes Kawada over after eating a heel kick, then knocks him off the apron twice in some good time-killing. Jamal keeps absorbing shots but firing back, dominating until he finally charges into the ringpost- ah, much like Andre, the key is getting him to harm himself! And now Kawada pays him back for that apron shit with a running Gamengiri Kick that flings Jamal OVER the guardrail and into the random table at ringside! The “Tama Bump”! He “knocks over” some hapless bowtie-wearing doofus who does an absolute death-sell, arms held out at his sides as he’scarried away, haha. Jamal is out there for almost a whole minute selling (and fucking around with his arm-tape), and Kawada finally has a weak point to target: he starts throwing kicks at the arm, Jamal unable to even throw a simple punch without selling the pain. Jamal bails to sell it further, Kawada barely letting him back in the ring and trying for jujigatames. Jamal tries to fight through the pain but gets beaten back again as Kawada ain’t exactly shaking up the moveset with “kick to the arm, then kick to the chest” alternating. Ah, there’s the repeater face kicks & running Gamengiri in the corner. But Jamal blocks the enzuigiri and thrust kicks him (thigh-slap right on the hard cam! What is this, AEW?) and hits a weak running forearm.

Jamal wins a punch/kick contest and hits the dreaded Running Ass (the one all the women do in AEW now)- that gets two, and a big flying splash does too- Kawada gets an intense kickout and tries to come back, but tumbles out of the ring and takes a while to recover. He manages to fire away again but charges right into a powerslam and Jamal misses a moonsault off the second rope. This causes a double-down, and when Kawada starts up with the kicks again he gets bowled over and Jamal hits a big Release Powerbomb! But Kawada does the All Japan No-Sell and fires off an enzuigiri, causing Jamal to do a weird lurching “standing sell”, but another causes him to do his own No-Sell and he hits Kawada’s own Kneeling Powerbomb for a close two-count and an ovation. Double-down into another enzuigiri, and Kawada finally recovers enough to muscle Jamal into a big Brainbuster for a close count. A standing side kick to a downed Jamal gets an even closer one, so Kawada puts on the Stretch Plum (his submission finisher)- it’s sold here largely like a resthold by Jamal, so Kawada knees his arm and slaps it on again, earning the “Pass-Out” finish at (18:01), the ref calling it for Kawada.

A very, very “2004 Kawada” type of match. Slow, steady, and full of the same offense he was using in 1994, but slower and with less hatred and intensity cuz HE OLD (41… wait that’s younger than I am now). But it’s VERY drawn-out and kept very simple (Jamal has experience working in Japan but they probably can’t do the intricate stories the natives could do with each other), so you get a lot of stuff like “Kawada slowly kicks away at him for two minutes, then Jamal comes back, but wait now Kawada beats him down again and back to the kicks…” stuff and lots of extended selling on the floor to make the match longer and more “worth it” for the fans’ money. It is fun seeing that good-old “every move is sold well” All Japan style where even a flying splash is treated like a hugely effective move that Kawada is left gasping from, falling out of the ring while selling it. It’s all pretty good stuff, but Jamal was having issues- he wasn’t yet at his peak as a worker (Umaga was it) and was more or less an “elevated tag guy” at this time. After a point all his selling was “shudders on impact and keeps going” and he wasn’t hitting things with the intensity and brutality he’d later be known for. His “wobble”-selling wasn’t the best, either- he’s supposed to do a lot of “stand and sell” here to allow Kawada his own offense but he’s just kind of wobbling in place with his arms out and a neutral expression on his face, like he’s unclear on how to do this properly. Similarly, he can sell the arm a bit, but by the end of the match he’s not doing it at all, even when Kawada’s actual submission finish targets that same arm- he doesn’t even react IN the hold, essentially doing the pass-out finish without any reaction.

Rating: *** (about how you’d expect an all-time worker past his prime vs. a midcard talent to be- good but not VERY good)

TNT & GIANT WARRIOR vs. DEMOLITION (Smash & Crush):
(World Wrestling Council Anniversary Show, 1991)
* YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! It’s a 1991 Puerto Rico show featuring Demolition vs. Savio Vega and Giant Warrior! GW was a 7-foot tall useless guy so weaksauce he didn’t ever wrestle for either of the Big Two as far as I know, and TNT is Savio’s PR gimmick. Actually, it’s the over-mask he wore as Kwang with a low-rent gi shirt and a sword- underneath he’s wearing facepaint and spewing red mist, so he’s a Mysterious Karateka a la Great Muta, but with a neon shirt. He’s absolutely dwarfed by his partner and both members of the opposing team. Best of all, it’s the weak version of 1991 Demolition without Ax (the best worker on the team) controlling the flow of the match. This arena is PACKED from the looks of things. TNT comes down to a “beeps and boops” song vaguely like the Midnight Express theme, while Demolition comes down to the Rick Derringer WWF theme, being pelted with garbage by unruly fans.

The Demos attack before the bell, dumping Giant Warrior and tearing into TNT, making him look like a neon midget. Smash backdrops him and talks shit (sadly he doesn’t say he’ll kick his stinkin’ teeth in yet), then they double-team him a while, but TNT comes back with the one move he can do well- SPINNING KICKS! Smash & Crush bounce around for him, bailing from him & GW kicking their asses. Smash tries to sneak back in and gets double-clotheslined, actually working pretty hard here as he’s FLAILING his arms on every shot like the 5’6″ Vega is way too badass for him, then wobbling between the babyfaces like a drunken boob so they can tee off on him. He HOWLS in pain from a simple armbar (lol is he fishing for a non-WWF job?) and Giant Machine can only think to do the basic pithold. Guy is seven feet tall and hasn’t actually done anything yet. He ends up stuck in the Demolition corner getting choked, but manages to block Crush’s punch and works him over. They keep doing “overhand rights” and internationals with this guy, which indicates to me he still sucks. Smash smokes him in the middle of one and oh no- now it’s the NECKVICE. I knew there’d be restholds eventually with this runtime. It’s funny but even HERE you can tell that GW sucks, because he’s just stock-still in the hold- no signs of fading nor fighting until he slowly raises his arm and shakes it a bit.

Giant Warrior “fights out” of the neckvice but Smash drop-toeholds him (!! unusual tactics for Darsow) and poor Crush comes in and has to DEADLIFT this sandbagging fucker into his Torture Rack finisher. Hahah look at him puff his cheeks out. He holds him there for an impressively long time and drops down to hurt the back for two. Smash finally unleashes Jumping Demolition Axehandles and oh god dammit, now Crush hits a body vice. Man the Demos are trying (check Smash jawing with the fans and celebrating on the apron) but this is dogshit. Best part is he almost had to physically wrestle his opponent into the spot, like directing each limb where to go. This lasts for, I swear to god, THREE MINUTES AND THIRTY SECONDS as Smash pulls them back to the corner, then pulls TNT off the apron and Crush just randomly gets off to start punching. FINALLY Smash runs into a boot and does the wobble-sell while GW is so bad even his hot tag looks like shit, and TNT gets in after ten friggin’ minutes on the apron, throwing headbutts & stuff. Crush gets spinkicked down as Smash does the Mortal Kombat “FINISH HIM!” animation sell and a big roundhouse kick flattens him. Inside cradle is broken up by Crush and the Wheel Kick hits- same result! And now everyone hits the ring for a double-brawl, the Demos get whipped into each other and… the ref CALLS FOR THE BELL because they won’t clear the ring. Hahahaaha oh my god they went FIFTEEN MINUTES and did a Double-DQ finish (15:03).

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF man I was hoping for bad and this did not disappoint. Though oddly I was super-impressed by Smash here, as he’s usually not that great in the ring by himself but he was going all-out, flailing his limbs around, doing cartoon sells, drunk sells, etc., doing everything he could to make this awful match better. Giant Warrior was just way too incompetent, though. The dude was limp and noodly throughout the match, fighting like David Flair despite being like 7 feet tall- sandbagging Crush (at least that LOOKED cool since it’s a legit power feat), doing weak punches, even doing such a bad hot tag to TNT that Savio had to give an extra crack at it. Having to go ten minutes required the Demos to do two resthold spots (Crush, the junior of the two, was left doing that cuz god help us if he tried to lead with normal offense), adding up to like 1/4 the match total, which is nuts in a tag bout. Since TNT can only really do good strikes, he was left as the “hot tag guy”, bouncing around the Demos with some good spinkicks.

Rating: 3/4* (some pity acclaim for the sheer effort Smash put into things, and Savio’s good kicks. Absolutely awful otherwise, though)

I have no recollection of these guys, but this was Disorderly Conduct before the legendary gimmick switch that would define their careers!

SYXX & KONNAN (w/ Vincent) vs. THE TEXAS HANGMEN (Hangman I & Hangman II):
(WCW Saturday Night, Aug. 16th 1997)
* What a strange match this is. Syxx & Konnan in the rare bit of overlap in their nWo runs (Konnan joined in July; Syxx got hurt in October and was fired shortly thereafter), plus the Texas Hangmen before they became Disorderly Conduct. The Hangmen are interchangeable jobbers with black singlets and red masks.

Oddly enough the heel nWo are attacked before the bell by the Hangmen- Syxx gets dumped but he grabs one’s leg after Konnan ducks a double-clothesline, and his rolling clothesline takes out the other one. They of course celebrate like babyfaces despite being bad guys, then a Hangman does the “BUHHHHH!” thing with the horns before Konnan does his usual array of brawling. Clothesline sets up Syxx’s bronco buster (he was doing that back then?) and he does his goofy Crackhead Karate poses and turns around into a Hangman clothesline from the apron! Hah! Syxx gets double-teamed and beaten up, but fires off a roundhouse kick- both guys tag out and Konnan misses another clothesline but catches a Hangman for his 187 (cradle Fisherman’s Buster), then tags Syxx back in to hit the Buzzkiller (crossface chickenwing) for the tap-out win at (2:30). Pretty easy night for Konnan & Syxx!

A perfectly acceptable Saturday Night match- the Hangmen/Disorderly Conduct were uninteresting but solid workers who could carry offense for a couple minutes, and here mostly teed off on Syxx and dealt with Konnan’s punch & clothesline-heavy offense before a 1-2 combination finished them off. Syxx’s stuff nearly always looked excellent at this point even as his character was the shits. Mostly the best part was him doing his goofy poses and just getting wiped out a second later, haha.

Rating: * (perfectly acceptable Saturday Night mini-match)

RIC FLAIR & CURT HENNIG vs. MORTIS & WRATH (w/ James Vandenberg):
(WCW Saturday Night, Aug. 16th 1997)
* From the same show comes a rare oddity- Flair and Hennig before the betrayal of Hennig, and they’re against the midcard tag squad of Mortis & Wrath! The crowd, used to total scrub matches all show long, give a HUGE reaction to Flair, waving the Four Horsemen hand signals. Hennig’s in his pink/black gear, Flair’s in black, and so are the heel team. Flair’s looking particularly saggy at this point in time.

Hennig & Wrath do a slow, tactical bit where Wrath is stronger and slaps Hennig in the tummy, but Curt pulls hair to get out of a headlock, but gets powered into the corner and eats some “martial arts” side kicks. Curt gets his feet up in the corner but Wrath back elbows him, but Mortis misses a goofy “run off the ropes twice” elbow and in comes Flair. Back body drop sets up the Hennig necknap, and a neck-twist has Mortis doing his best “Please push me, bookers!” sell, thrashing about on the mat. Mortis nearly gets Flair with a Byers Bridge, then stops another backdrop with a neckbreaker. Flair takes some boots in the corner and Wrath’s side slam, but Mortis goes sky-high and misses a giant flying senton to set up the hot tag- Hennig gets the limpest hot tag ever (the crowd can’t even be bothered to react) and Hennig just easily deals with big Wrath via chops and a kneelift. Wrath puts his head down, Perfect Plex, goodbye at (5:39). Hennig & Flair win it quick. But in comes Konnan and Syxx from earlier! The nWo jumps them in anticipation of the upcoming Thursday Thunder match between them! Flair & Hennig eventually see them off and we’re out.

A very “Saturday Night feature match” kind of match, as it’s just about six minutes long (most SN matches run 3 or so) and competitive, with the heels being allowed to take most of the match. Much of it was at a leisurely pace and with plenty of time taken between moves, but Mortis was in his usual “push me!” mode, flinging and thrashing around to sell and taking a huge bump for this kind of show. You can see how unselfish a worker Flair was, as he barely does anything and gets almost no offense before giving Hennig (who isn’t over at all) the hot tag and all the glory.

Rating: **1/4 (your average TV match, albeit with some good effort by Mortis)