Ted Arcidi vs. Bill Kazmaier (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this week, I have a TRUE classic for you all- the kind of thing Flair/Steamboat and Misawa/Kawada could only dream about- TED ARCIDI vs. BILL KAZMAIER! Famous workrate promotion Stampede Wrestling was the only territory with the balls to put out this masterpiece, with two of the legit world’s strongest men go against each other in a match that threatens to steal all the oxygen from British Columbia to Manitoba!

Following that, it’s a look to the Florida territory, with Champion Barry Windham defending against Cowboy Ron Bass in a match with a well-known follow-up! After that, it’s the WCW D-shows as the Steiner Brothers get a warm-up against Mortis & Wrath, with the most interesting bit seeing Kanyon get that tag move he always loved to try! Then it’s a match watched and recommended by Maffew, as Kensuke Sasaki faces Jinsei “Hakushi” Shinzaki in Fighting of World Japan in 2003! And finally, we get another D-show match as Mona takes on Asya in the Bischoff/Russo era of WCW on Saturday Night!

BILL KAZMAIER vs. TED ARCIDI:
(Stampede Wrestling, Jan. 30th 1987)
* Stampede Wrestling, North America’s bastion of hot workrate and international legends, brings you the ultimate Dream Match: Strongman vs. Strongman! Bill Kazmaier vs. Ted Arcidi! Both men were as preposterously strong as they were horrible in the ring, with both making attempts at wrestling careers that were largely abject failures, both washing out in only a few years. Arcidi actually made WWF TV in 1985-ish, but soon got the boot and ended up in Stampede. Kazmaier made it to WCW after this, but lasted about five years and never really went anywhere. What made them good at power-lifting (their squat, hyper-muscled physiques) held them back at wrestling, even with Vince McMahon’s famous love of lifting & muscles- they’re just TOO big and immobile, and powerlifting requires explosive force- not stamina, flexibility and cardio. This match is the kind of thing you book as a little kid (“What if the two strongest guys fought each other?”) and also the kind of thing a booker puts out there as a joke. I mean, they HAD to know this would be no good- Ted is so bulky he can’t even put his arms lower than a 45-degree angle from his torso! Arcidi’s in black shorts and Kazmaier’s in trunks.

We’re JIP six minutes in with (naturally) a test of strength, Arcidi using a boot to the gut and then a headbutt to take the lead. Arcidi uses the only move he knows how to do properly, the “scream then overhand club them across the back”, then a kneelift, a slam, and a running elbowdrop. Hey, that actually didn’t look too bad! Kazmaier goes into the corner, but fires back from his knees and clubs Arcidi down, looking like he’s trying to use Ted’s body to hold himself up. Kazmaier hits maybe the clunkiest inside cradle I’ve ever seen (I swear to Christ I’ve seen Mabel hit a smoother one) for two- haha judging by the angle and Ted’s yelp I think he shoot DDT’d him there. Ted goes to the eyes to take the lead, but has such poor ring-awareness he snags the top rope trying an overhand shot! You can hear both men huffing and puffing even though the mic is like 30 feet from the ring, and Ted hits a back elbow. Man both these dudes move like the old WWF LJN figures. Kaz uses some gutshots and a snapmare but misses an elbow like a putz, but manages to duck a clothesline for a big one of his own for two. Another bad thing about their roided physiques- their size and shape means they can’t bump properly, meaning most of the strikes don’t look good cuz they’re not sold.

Arcidi wins a struggle on their knees, hitting more overhands but Kaz is too gassed to sell so barely reacts. Arcidi flexes and throws elbows into the back as ten minutes has elapsed (4:30 into what’s shown), and they repeat the “duck and clothesline” spot from before, then Kazmaier gets a back body drop, but a second attempt sees Arcidi kneelift him and THANK GOD dumps him so they can recover a bit. “I think if Ted’s MUM was in the audience, she wouldn’t be cheering for him”. Oh but then after flexing a bit, Ted heads out to beat up Kazmaier but gets countered into a bodyslam on the concrete, and Kaz rolls in for the Count Out win at (5:31 shown of 11:31-ish)! Hahaha they ran THAT finish! Bill gets interviewed by Ed Whalen after the match, promising to go after Makhan Singh to defend his buddy Owen Hart, but Ted gets his own interview where he reveals a hideous Noo Yawkuh (edit: Apparently it’s New England! But VERY thick!) accent and rants about his pythons, how the ref “Screwed the big man- I’m the big man!”, and how Bill Kazmaier is just an “overweight, overgrown, over the hill ollllllllllld-timer!”.

This was exactly as I would have guessed- two jacked, gassed, immobile dudes hitting clunky offense and struggling to do basic moves because both are just so muscular they’re practically unable to move their limbs. Both were gasping for air so badly they were audible even in the Stampede Corral’s distant mic. Their bulky physiques also meant neither could bump or sell properly- they’d be so clunky and gassed that strikes would often be completely ignored or just undersold with a slight “jolt” so supposedly Herculean overhand clubs came off weak and wimpy. Both even had horribly limited movesets, meaning Ted had to over-rely on his overhand clubbing blows and they end up repeating multiple spots just for something to fill the time in 5:30 of TV time. Then it’s a weak finish that is sold like Kazmaier won this great win. Ah, for the era where a win was a win even if you didn’t pin or submit the guy.

Rating: DUD (I don’t think it had much of a chance of getting above that, but there you have it!)

FLORIDA HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE vs. SADDLE:
BARRY WINDHAM vs. COWBOY RON BASS (w/ JJ Dillon):
(Florida, Nov. 16th 1983)
* It’s over to Florida for a very young, skinny Barry Windham taking on Ron Bass. I guess the saddle is “controversial”, as apparently Dusty Rhodes gave it to Bass as a gift, but Bass has since turned on Dusty, Blackjack Mulligan (Barry’s dad) and Barry to set this up. Barry’s in blue trunks & Bass is in black. Bass is in his 30s year and already looks aged and grizzled.

They start with some tight lockups, Barry all in a flurry and Bass repeatedly just doing easy rope-breaks, and we’re back from break with Windham hitting a bodypress for two. He’s more “spritely” than “great” at this stage, with some sloppy technique but a LOT of effort behind it. Bass counters a headlock to a cradle and we get a weird bit where Windham’s upside-down and fighting for ages. Windham springs off the corner with a forearm and legdrops Bass for two, but gets rammed into the turnbuckle (EXCELLENT sell by Barry here- just flinging his body into it and bouncing his head off with dazed body language), only to quickly reverse and go back to headlocking Bass, winning an international after another break. Bass wins his own international with a knee and hits a vertical “suplay” off the second rope (I love how Gordon Solie uses the old-school amateur-style pronunciation), both selling until Bass starts working the back. Windham’s beanpole body type is actually really good for all these bumps because he’s flailing his long-ass legs around on everything to create move movement and impact while actually being pretty light in terms of bumping. Bass uses an abdominal stretch (helped by a tight-grab), then a front facelock that finally has the fans into it with chants and such, Barry coming back with punches and a kneedrop, selling exhaustion.

Windham hits a shoulderblock and exhaustedly goes into the ropes again but gets tossed and has his ass beat on the floor, going into the post. Windham’s bleeding as Bass hits a falling fistdrop and works on the cut, but misses a falling headbutt. Solie drops the fact that the average length of body contact in an NFL game is 14 minutes, “these men have gone OVER that by a considerable margin” and with no resting in between, thus putting over how great wrestlers are. Windham gets a surprise dropkick (feather-light) to put Bass on the floor, and smashes him into the studio wall repeatedly, and now Bass is bleeding. They slug in out in the ring, won by Windham with a big right. Bass gut-punches him and headbutts to bring him down, but the backlash puts him in the ropes, looking tired and dead. They swing at each other again, Bass hitting a backdrop suplay for a double-down, and a shoulderblock has the same result. Bass, running out of energy, throws more right hands on his knees to try and wear Windham down, but Windham fires back, flopping around with every shot like it’s taking everything he has. Vertical suplay by Barry! But he can’t get an elbowdrop and gets covered for two. Bass tries to finish him off, but Windham fires back yet again, then counters a corner whip- Lariat! And Barry covers for the pin at (17:52 shown)! But Bass, dastardly, wretched cur that he is, attacks after the bell and humiliates Barry by putting the saddle on his back and mock-RIDING him while Dillon & One Man Gang help him out! What a sore loser!

This was a very headlock-y match for the first half, perhaps fitting the studio show environment, but they revved it up and had a lot of good brawling eventually, using the long match time to justify “being tired”, with some great “throw a punch and then flop down dead because that robbed you of the energy to stand” stuff, which is the BEST kind of wrestling selling. Bass was very clunky, already looking clumsy and old, but it kinda worked against his lithe, dextrous opponent, but they mostly did the basic NWA-style match with lots of headlocks and babyface dominance to start before Bass used sneaky tactics and backwork to put Windham on the defensive and build heat for the comeback. Windham’s not nearly as gawky as you’d imagine someone so skinny would be, and his body length makes a LOT of spots and bumps look better.

Rating: *** (turned into a pretty good brawl with great selling in the end, surpassing most of Bass’s limitations)

THE STEINER BROTHERS (Rick & Scott Steiner, w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. MORTIS & WRATH (w/ James Vandenburg):
(WCW Main Event, Nov. 22nd 1997)
* Okay, I’ve officially reviewed enough crap that I sometimes have no idea if I actually covered something or not. I’ve covered this COMBO of teams before, but this is different from the Saturday Night match I’ve seen before. This is from Main Event, and they spend more than half the video’s runtime just on entrances. We’re in the weird era where Scottie has the Evil Parallel Universe Goatee but is still a babyface with dark hair. DiBiase & Vandenburg is like a comical match-up of the do-nothing loser managers.

Wrath dominates Rick in the corners to start, but eats a Steinerline as Rick just stops selling (stop looking so surprised). Scott comes in but gets popped by Mortis, and they double-team Scott into Kanyon’s big move idea- the Neckbreaker/Ligerbomb combination. You can see Wrath take a comically long time prepping himself looking at Mortis like “… you SURE?”. Dude is so uncomfortable with trying that, haha. This huge move being one of the first things done to Scott is hilarious, and Rick just breaks up the pin. Mortis goes up, calling a spot to miss a big flying splash, leading to a hot tag to Rick with Steinerlines and a powerslam on Mortis. Wrath comes in and tries to whip Scottie off the ropes, but Mortis decides to hold him instead for the finish- Mortis takes the Pump Kick instead and Wrath gets Steinerlined out, and the Steiner Bulldog crushes Mortis at (2:47).

A pretty simple little match, as the heels dominate everything save for a couple tiny bits. Kanyon gets to hit the big double-team move he loves so much, but Scott is fine a minute later and the Steiners finish after heel miscommunication. The match is comically short give that the heels are at least midcarders and not JTTS most of the time, but they’re soon to be Goldberg victims.

Rating: *1/2 (well-wrestled but hilariously short)

KENSUKE SASAKI vs. JINSEI SHINZAKI:
(Fighting of World Japan Pro-Wrestling, 04/19/2003)
* Here’s one from a Maffew review! He was a big fan of the match. I myself have barely seen ANY of Hakushi’s stuff from Japan, much less 2003, and have seen only a little of Sasaki’s. I remember him being pretty disliked by Dave Meltzer, which painted a lot of online opinion at the time about a perfectly cromulent “heavy hitter” guy. He was the Ace of World Japan, which was a total ass indie promotion that lost a fortune and cost Sasaki a ton of money, and was kind of Riki Choshu’s last hurrah as a promoter/booker from what I’ve seen. Shinzaki played a Shikoku pilgrim character with a lot of Buddhist regalia as part of his overall look (I may or may not have Wikipedia’d all that). Hakushi is MASSIVELY built here, way bigger than I remember seeing him in the WWF- like holy jesus I’m not used to roided Japanese wrestlers. Speaking of, Sasaki is comically squat and neckless.

They start slow & steady with the lockups and a headlock, but Kensuke immediately gets the crowd into it with a HUGE shoulderblock blitzing Shinzaki down- that and the selljob immediately tell the crowd “ah, they’re TRYING tonight!” which is important when doing an indie promotion Dream Match. Sasaki defiantly no-sells Shinzaki’s own, but of course the quicker man ducks a lariat and hits a JUMPING shoulderblock, and that one Sasaki sells, holding his head like he hurt himself. See, sell the THIRD move and it makes you both look better. Kensuke bolts him with a hard chop, but Shinzaki intercepts with a block and tries his Praying Ropewalk, countered with a Flair Toss! Signature spot attempt! Shinzaki stalls to help put that over and kill time, and Kensuke wins a test of strength (duh) and tries to work the arm, but Shinzaki won’t give him the jujigatame. Two minutes of perfunctory armwork later and Kensuke finally gets those chops he wanted, demanding to be struck back but not selling Shinzaki’s throat thrusts, then slows it down with a chinlock and some stiff shots to the upper back. Shinzaki fires off some throat thrusts (sideways to the hard cam so I finally catch the self-chest slaps while wondering “Where IS that sound coming from?”- that is quick and SLICK) but Kensuke flattens him with a slap, only to make the mistake of ramping up the pace and Shinzaki counters a whip with an enzuigiri and a kick with an inverse dragon screw.

Kensuke sells the leg and eats a springboard missile kick, but Shinzaki immediately tries too big a move and gets backdropped out of a Praying Powerbomb. Kensuke again tries to speed it up and runs into a dropkick, setting up a praying flying shoulderblock, and THAT lets him hit the Praying Powerbomb for two. Kensuke resists the straightjacket camel clutch so Shinzaki dropkicks him to open the move up, and he holds it a while before running out of strength to pull Kensuke’s beefy torso back (haven’t seen it sold like that in a while). He tries to follow with a Flying Headbutt but misses, and when he tries to get offense again he charges into a powerslam for two. Kensuke flings him with a dramatic judo throw (I hear them say “Ippon seoi”), then puts Shinzaki’s leg over the shoulder and hauls him up for a big powerbomb for two. That finally gets the “good kickout” reaction. Sasaki is still in no big rush, and steadies his big Lariat… and it’s blocked! The dumbass tries again (Sasaki don’t strike me as a big thinker, lol) and runs into a thrust kick, and a third has him charge into a Frankensteiner for two! Poor Hakushi is BAGGED, open-mouthed gasping for air as Kensuke shouts a bunch and gets up to slap him… but Shinzaki blasts him with an enzuigiri! Kensuke still springs up with a short lariat, but a big running one sees them lariat EACH OTHER and Kensuke goes down! Sasaki’s response to this is to simply try it again and again until it works, and hits the Northern Lights Bomb (modifying his wife’s finisher to be less of a head-spike from mid-body but more of an elevated brainbuster) for three at (14:56).

This match was very much the kind of “Indie Show Main Event” you see a fair bit- slow going and a slow build into signature spots, but with enough “oomph” put into their strikes (especially Kensuke’s, which always come off very “angry that people know this is a work so he lays it in”). Try the big moves, fail, then hit them later now that they’re built up as things you WANT to hit. Good, solid work without being like “Wrestle Kingdom main event” which would be dumb in front of such a small crowd. I liked the opening segment- it establishes the important parameters that Kensuke is A) big, and B) tough, and won’t sell unless you try REALLY hard, but Shinzaki is faster and can bring him down by putting speed and lift into his moves. Sasaki tries that “clubbing powerhouse” shit with the chops but instead of eating them like a lot of New Japan guys do, Shinzaki just grabs the arm and immediately goes for a big spot of his, requiring Sasaki to counter, which annoys him. It’s VERY slow and methodical at first, but smartly-wrestled- obviously Kensuke’s armwork is going nowhere and a chinlock is just a rest/delay-hold, but it’s fine in the early going when you’re building stuff up and can be passed off as “trying something” or just neutralizing the guy’s speedster game with ground holds. The rest of the match was more of the same slow, steady stuff- I can see why Sasaki doesn’t appeal to MOVEZ fanatics or those who worship workrate because he’s never in any kind of a hurry, but it works for what he is- this burly, methodical killer who wears guys down using the classics, and just doing them again and again because they always worked. I’ve probably not seen more than ten of his matches but what I have generally has this feel to it. The last couple minutes ramped up some good drama with Kensuke failing every time he started charging in on a faster opponent, and was quite good despite Shinzaki seemingly needing 20 seconds between every move to recover his cardio.

Rating: ***1/4 (was looking like it was gonna gear up and never really QUITE got there but still good overall)

MONA vs. ASYA:
(WCW Saturday Night, 04/15/2000)
* And now it’s a look at the time when WCW was just throwing “whatever” out there, and that sometimes meant “Mona asks to wrestle and gets match-time on various shows even though there’s no Women’s Title anymore”. The future Molly Holly and Person Too Good For the Wrestling Business is taking on Asya, who of course was a bodybuilder hired on to make fun of WWF’s Chyna. She was kind of a sidekick/sideshow nothing but also got to wrestle a bit.

Asya immediately boots Mona down and throws strikes, which she can at least do without looking bad (though she’s a bit stiff and unathletic). She hits a short kneeling lariat and a slam, but misses an elbow (landing on her ass). She recovers quickly but her shoes are so bad she’s literally stumbling and nearly falling over just trying regular strikes. She misses a running elbow in the corner, leading to a cartwheel handspring elbow and facecrusher by Mona, but when she tries her complicated deathlock pin her rival Little Jeannie comes out and breaks it up, causing a DQ at (1:27). Lol who books finishes like that on Saturday Night? The resulting double-team is REALLY bad, Jeannie throwing limp-wristed overhand punches and Asya whiffing shots left and right and being unable to get past Mona’s kicks, and finally the refs break it up.

Rating: DUD (nothing to it- too short to rate much, and Asya’s offense was terrible)