Jim Cornette vs. Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have the other big YouTube video featuring Kowabunga the Ninja Turtle- this one future WCW referee Brian “Mark Curtis” Hildebrand as Kowabunga, taking on flabby manager Jim Cornette in a comedy match! A… my god, a LONG comedy match! Smoky Mountain Wrestling, everyone! Then a strange 1997 WCW match as New Japan’s Yuji Nagata takes on Pat Tanaka, already a relic from a bygone era 7 years after his peak! Also I have the first ever squash match of The Undertaker! Back when he was “Kane the Undertaker” and still had Brother Love as his manager- I kind of find the whole early months of workshopping the gimmick fascinating.

Then it’s the most “2000s Velocity” match possible, as a Ring of Honor guy does jobbing duty against a Generic WWE Create-A-Wrestler- it’s Gunner Scott (Brent Albright) vs. Colt Cabana in 2006! And then it’s more of me looking into Deuce & Domino’s careers, as I found Deuce’s repackaging on a Dec. 2008 RAW as he takes on Rey Mysterio and announces his real name- Sim Snuka!

JIM CORNETTE vs. KOWABUNGA THE NINJA TURTLE:
(Smoky Mountain Wrestling Fancam, Aug. 19th 1993)
* So Jim Cornette, currently making a living ripping on dumb shit AEW does on YouTube, is of course wrestling a Ninja Turtle in his own promotion XD. TO BE FAIR, it’s a “Heel Manager Gets Humililated” match, where it doesn’t really matter who the babyface is. Cornette, pudgy body (still looks better than Chris Jericho now) and all, is out there is red tights that cover his entire body, making him look like a fat superhero cosplayer, and he looks ultra-annoyed to be there. His flabby gut looks extra-bad in way-too-tight clothing, which is the point. And HOLY FUCKING SHIT KOWABUNGA USES “T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!” AS THIS THEME! THIS MATCH IS ***** ALREADY HOLY SHIT! Kowabunga here is wearing a different costume than the Memphis one, and is apparently Mark Curtis under the mask.

Cornette, always ready to play the boob, whines about the match being “an insult to a man of my caliber” and refuses to wrestle, but the ref threatens to fine him $1000, causing a shit-fit. Kowabunga repeatedly taunts Cornette, ducking through the ref’s legs and startling him, then doing the “lie down on the turnbuckles and beg him to come on” thing and copying his movements to irk him, then stomping to get the fans into taunting him. Cornette bails and begs off repeatedly before FINALLY locking up, hitting a simple headlock and now braying like a jackass about how good he’s doing. He jaws with the fans, completely oblivious to the fact that Kowabunga isn’t selling pain in the slightest, and the Ninja Turtle uses a RINGS-style counter via a thumb up the ass to break the hold. Extra points for both him and the referee selling how stinky said thumb now is and wiping it off on the turnbuckle. Kowabunga counters an armbar with his own and does a gnarly Ropewalk Armdrag, then Cornette sells and sells in basic holds, and his bumps, drop-downs and attempts at offense look awful, but not as awful as you might expect, and Cornette eats a cross-body (going down badly) and a dropkick, but trips Kowabunga off a charge. I think Kowabunga is selling a BIT too much here (I mean, he took a back bump! He has A SHELL!). Bugger me, Cornette now goes to a NERVE-HOLD as this is past ten minutes, lol. Cornette hits a short clothesline (WHAT), drops an elbow for two, then controls with a slam, baaaaaaack body drop and fistdrop, then another nervehold. Kowabunga finally TURTLES UP to start a no-selling comeback (he indeed whips off his shell for maximum… non-shelledness), throwing some feather-light chops, but can barely get an abdominal stretch on before CORNETTE hiptosses him off. He’s lucky Monsoon wasn’t commentating on this. Kowabunga gets dumped and appears frustrated by this heinous turn of events, but blocks a turnbuckle shot and rams Cornette into it, going up for a Flying Cannonball and the pin at (12:55). Kowabunga rolls out to sell an exhausting victory.

Okay this is like 3 minutes of a decent comedy match, then nine minutes of JIM CORNETTE controlling using “second day of wrestling school” stuff that looked clunky and only tolerable because of the size difference and his heelish gooning. And in SLOW MOTION! Seriously, I’m kind impressed that Cornette knows the basic execution of everything (he never BOTCHED, exactly), but it’s all really slow and measured, with Curtis working hard to make it look good too. Thank god it’s just a house show. Now one could deride Cornette claiming to be some “silly wrestling is DUMB!” guy via his modern rants, but this is at least an undercard comedy dweeb beating on a fat heel manager on a house show- not exactly something he put on TV and with nobody he actually pushed, haha.

Rating: 1/4* (if they kept it to five minutes of Cornette gooning, it’s *-ish, but cranking it out to 13 and leaving Cornette to do headlocks and nerve-holds for most of it is inexcusable, haha. Thank god the tiny crowd appeared amused)

YUJI NAGATA vs. PAT TANAKA:
(WCW, Main Event, May 24th 1997)
* Another “Pat Tanaka as a bottom-tier WCW guy” match, and this time agaist New Japan excursion star, Yuji Nagata! I didn’t realize Tanaka had made it all the way to 1997. Tanaka’s in black karate PJs while Nagata’s in long pants for some reason- that looks weird.

We’re JIP with Tanaka throwing a shot to the throat and gouging Nagata’s face, but charges into a boot and eats a slow-mo kick series. Another one gets two- Pat was a bit early with the sell on that one and the last kick looked bad. But Tanaka counters to a dragon screw legwhip, and when Nagata whips him off the ropes, he leaps up too early and Tanaka ligerbombs him! He gouges the eyes and man, why is this building so packed? Was this the Slamboree Dark Match they had? Main Event was usually filmed in a small studio. In any case, Tanaka gets counter-whipped into the corner and takes an Exploder, then a rolling kick from Nagata. An overhead belly-to-belly suplex finishes at (2:45 shown). Ah, a clip of his entrance shows this is the Nitro set- so it was taped earlier.

This was pretty weak and “by the numbers”- a low-effort D-show match where they sleepwalked through it, Yuji throwing slow kicks and Pat struggling to sell them as his credible career wound down. Though it’s interesting seeing this total jobber handily work over a guy like Nagata, who wasn’t far from a “WCW short-lived micro-push”. Nagata got a pretty good three-move series for the win- kind of “Puro Communal Offense” but that stands out as one of only a few Japanese dudes in WCW.

Rating: *1/2 (pretty low-effort and slow in speed, but they hit some decent stuff)

KANE THE UNDERTAKER (w/ Brother Love) vs. MARIO MANCINI:
(WWF Superstars, Dec. 15th 1990)
* This isn’t just a normal squash- it’s the UNDERTAKER’s first squash, which is of massive importance- these squashes are how major acts are introduced to the fans. While the Undertaker debuted at the Survivor Series and immediately made himself stand out in possibly the best debut for a new act in history, this match would be watched by more people and was thus also his first shot against a job guy. And he’s “Kane the Underatker” at this point, as they workshopped a first name for him following his debut, which they quickly dropped. The jobber’s actually pretty muscular- a squat, hairy guy with a mustache. A pretty good match-up, as he’s still dwarfed by the huge Taker, who still has big arms at this point.

Taker immediately pounces at the bell, pounding Mancini down, then whips him off the ropes and hits him with a simple straight choke, immediately coming off differently than other guys (who would hit an impact move, not something obviously illegal). And when the ref makes him break after shoving Mancini into the ropes, “Kane” simple stares him down and stalks him as if offended, the ref selling it like “oh hey, wait now” with total chilling fright, haha. Then just clotheslines Mario over the top rope anyways. With a cold look in his eyes, he hits the floor, rolls Mancini back in, then hits his leaping clothesline. Taker, who didn’t speak in his debut, makes his first promo in the inset: “Here lies another opponent of Kane the Undertaker…” with his trademark dusky coldness. The way Taker is just super-stiff at every “resting” moment is so distinctive- nobody else is just bolt-upright like that- it’s such unemotive body language. Every other wrestler moves around, talking shit, braying to the crowd, etc.- this guy is just stock-still, staring straight at his opponent the entire time. The Ropewalk Elbow makes its TV debut, the fans not really reacting to it. The Tombstone finishes at (1:21), Taker staring straight into the camera with those damn beady eyes. An impressive squash, but it’d take a few more for the “aura” to really take, I think- the classic “uncomfortable kids trying not to look at him” stuff probably starts the more familiar people get with his matches and promos.

Rating: 1/2* (pretty good by squash standards- Mancini took a good ass-kicking- not so many big bumps save for the floor one, but he flat-backed a lot and was consistently writhing on the ground as if totally helpless)

GUNNER SCOTT vs. COLT CABANA:
(WWE Velocity, June 10th 2006)
* Hahah, holy shit- a triple whammy! One of very few WWE matches of Gunner Scott (Brent Albright), who was quickly fired… and COLT CABANA was in WWE?! Here he’s an ROH guy just doing job duty. And it’s also the final episode of WWE Velocity. Gunner’s in long blue tights very common in the “Ruthless Aggression” era, and Cabana’s in a bright pink singlet.

They put over Gunner’s gimmick as Chris Benoit’s protege, explaining the similar tights- his style AND physique are both very similar to Benoit’s. He wrestles Cabana to the mat, causing him to bail- he boots him after trying a handshake and takes some pratfall bumps, but his shoulderblock is very light. Colt knocks him off the top rope and goes to work on the injured stomach. haha okay standing on him’s pretty good but rubbing his fist like a saw along the tummy during a half-nelson is pretty goofy. Gunner hiptosses out, but Cabana locks on an abdominal stretch until Gunner backdrop suplexes him. Gunner hits some AE-style punchandkick, biels him, and hits a German, Colt not going over right so they switch to the flat pin on it. Colt goes to the eyes, but gets rolled up- he fires back out of the corner, but charges right into an Overhead Belly-To-Belly, and that scores the pin at (4:52).

A very fittingly “Velocity Match” to end the show, as it featured an established ROH guy as a jobber, let him get a bunch of his shit in, and let the WWE guy hit his regular offense for the win. You could see the issue with Gunner even here- he was largely a Benoit cosplayer (which was how Paul Heyman wanted him in OVW, but WWE didn’t like it apparently) but didn’t have any of his emotion or intensity. He just kinda did the stuff because that’s how Benoit moved, not how Benoit ACTED. Cabana did okay- kind of a weasely, sneaky heel, with some good bumps and theatrical selling. Him being noticeably taller than Gunner wasn’t helping the match’s perception, though.

Rating: ** (okay competitive Velocity match- inoffensive and a sharing of offense with some bumping and character from Colt- less so from Gunner)

REY MYSTERIO vs. SIM SNUKA:
(WWE RAW, Dec. 15th 2008)
* So I decided to delve more into the careers of Deuce & Domino! Deuce was repackaged in late 2008 and drafted to RAW, and this is a couple months later, repackaging him under his real name of Sim Snuka (Jimmy’s kid). This was apparently a complete disaster of a run, as he & Manu tried to join the Legacy, but he was betrayed and made to look like a fool by Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Jr., then taken off TV. Poor fuckin’ Sim is “in the ring to my left”ed here, standing around in generic black shorts and the ECW t-shirt of shame, and then THEY HAVE HIM CUT HIS PROMO LIKE THAT, just blank-facedly saying “I’d just like to say… I’d like to be introduced by my real name. I am the son of WWE Hall of Famer Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka. My name is SIM. Sim Snuka”. Oh put the fuckin’ knife in him RIGHT NOW. Putting him against Rey feels like a “litmus test” of sorts- if you can’t have a good match with Rey, you can’t have a good match PERIOD.

We start with a deep lockup, Sim actually hauling Rey up and slamming him in that position (never seen that before). He throws a knee to the gut and a whirling slam for two as I’m already sensing an issue- he’s just blank-facedly going through every movement by rote- even his selling. There’s no emotion behind ANYTHING. Like he does the same “shoots back and jitters” every time he takes a move, like it’s a video game with only one selling animation. Time for some Ruthless Aggression-era “walk & stomp” and a kneedrop into a chinlock that goes on for way too long considering this is a showcase for Sim. Rey finally dodges a kneedrop and works some speed attacks, but Sim launches him into the Eddie Bump and follows with a high knee to the face, working Rey’s injured nose. He “argues” with the ref and then gets caught in position for the 619 after catching Rey in a rana but Rey repositioning, but bails to the floor. He hits Sim with a teabag off the apron but ends up bonking Cody, who shoves him and sets off a DQ at (3:32). Rey wisely bails rather than fight both guys, but gets clobbered from behind by Mike Knox

oof, Sim suuuuuuuuucks, lol. Like the whole match he has this bored, blank face on, even during a chinlock, and his selling is weak and he’s not bumping particularly well, either. He comes off like a first or second-year who hasn’t learned any of the physical tricks yet. Even his arguing the count with the ref was super understated- just standing stock-still and doing the “count to three” thing. And this is the “WWE Basic Match Template” thing- a style that had metastasized already by this point and could be used to slot in ANYBODY and get a match around the same level, never mind with a master-seller & bumper like Rey trying to make you look good. So if this is a litmus test… Sim Snuka ain’t it. I mean I was accepting of the long boring resthold because I figured the match would be LONGER- it was 1/3 the match!

Rating: 3/4 (just a pretty low-grade short match featuring a boring beatdown- Sim stinks)