Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Bruno Sammartino (and other Dream Matches!)

And you think guys TODAY can draw heat.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a duo of matches from a Rowdy Roddy Piper/Bruno Sammartino feud that ran during the Winter of 1985-86 in the Boston market! They ran a dual feud in East Rutherford, New Jersey, too- probably juicing local houses with the old legend coming out to teach Piper what’s what. It followed to intense Piper’s Pit segments where Bruno got beaten down after threatening to bludgeon the top heel in the promotion. The singles match leads to a tag match the next month, with Paul Orndorff backing Bruno against Piper and his buddy Bob Orton.

Then it’s another in the great All Japan Trios Series, as it’s Jumbo Tsuruta, Masanabu Fuchi & Akira Taue against rising stars Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi! Where the name of the game is “Sucks to Be Taue”, as the poor lummox gets the absolute dogshit beaten out of him again and again, until Kawada finally provokes Jumbo one too many times and the old man gets enraged at him. And finally, a request as I take on a “WTF?” All Japan match from 2002, as the washed-up KroniK (yes, really) take on the washed-up Dr. Death Steve Williams & Mike Rotunda, Mike Barton & “Jungle” Jim Steele, and the washed-up Johnny Smith and George Hines!

ROWDY RODDY PIPER vs. BRUNO SAMMARTINO:
(WWF Boston Garden, Dec. 7th 1985)
* So this match is preceded by an absolutely AMAZING promo the month before, where Piper is with Bob Orton and talks about how horrible Boston is, how he couldn’t find any pretty young ladies (“I did find some pretty boys DRESSED UP like ladies, though”) and riffing on the fans… then spots a large “Roddy Piper has AIDS” sign in the crowd. The camera of course catches this and Piper hangs on it for several seconds, then makes a point to say “There’s a sign here that says Piper Has AIDS”, which earns a TREMENDOUS crowd pop, and the 40-something chubsters holding the sign high-five each other while people around them are laughing their asses off. So Piper dunks on everyone with “I’m sorry but the disease originated in the United States, and I’m not FROM here!”.

He riffs on the fans, calls them ugly, working them into a frenzy (they’re LOVING it as you can see 12-year olds flipping him off and old ladies laughing). And then when Sammartino comes out, he doesn’t let Piper dunk on him one bit- he immediately threatens to beat the shit out of him, repeatedly calls him “a piece of garbage” and won’t let him get a single word in- in other words, he’s not some passive babyface loser getting swallowed up by a charismatic heel- he’s strong, vital and threatening. So Piper just says “You’re a piece of shit!” and slaps him in the mouth! Sammartino immediately lays waste to the heels- haha check Orton doing a Superman dive after a single punch, and Piper rolling across the ring off a shoulder-nudge. Sammartino mounts Piper and slaps the shit out of him, but in comes Orton with the cast and they double-team Bruno and kick the old man in the nuts to drop him. What absolute pieces of garbage, haha- 50-year old Bruno and they gotta double-team him and kick ‘im in the balls.

I love how into this the fans are, haha. They LOVE ripping on Piper. Everyone’s got a smile a mile wide as he’s insulting them and you’ve got kids flipping him off and old grannies laughing. Just sheer glee in ripping on the heel.

And then, because they HATE each other, the fight is off the second Bruno hits ringside- Piper tries to jump him and gets his ass kicked, immediately getting smashed into the turnbuckle and flopping to the ground. Sammartino literally walks around like a gorilla (and is almost as hairy), and bounces Piper all over the place, whipping him into the post and some chairs while Monsoon laughs “Don’t expect to see any WRESTLING holds!”. Bruno doesn’t forget to stay on Piper and gesture to the fans whenever possible, bringing them into the ass-kicking like “Isn’t this great? How much you hate him and I’m kicking his ass”. It’s tremendous as Piper pleads off and Bruno is merciless, but then Bruno pushes the ref outta the way and as he’s apologizing for his lack of decorum, the heel Flair Uppercuts him through the uprights and he’s down. A bleeding Piper still can’t get off the mat as he throws punches from his side as boos rain down on the ring. Bruno is super hurt but still fights from his knees with shots to the gut, so Piper uses another shortcut (an eye-gouge) and dumps him as Monsoon and Venture point out how great Bruno looks and how gutsy Piper is for still standing and fighting (SEE?! Monsoon puts over the talent!).

Piper tries to jump him coming into the ring but wise old Bruno throws double-kicks from his ass and drops Roddy, then levels him with knees and right hands. Piper tries to bail to the locker room TWICE like the gutless slime that he is, but Bruno is again too smart for him and whips him back to ringside, where he begs off. Bruno, because he’s AMAZING, asks the fans what they think of those pleas for mercy, and stalks his prey- Piper again gets humiliated, dragged back in by his trunks to show ass (literally, in this case), but Piper finally comes back with overhands that finally pound down the old man. Piper sells a right hand to the gut like a cannon-shot, trying to pretend to the ref it’s a low-blow. Bruno is merciless, raining down the assault as Ventura admits he was thinking the match would go Piper’s way the longer it went and Gorilla puts over the former champ’s workout regimen, but here’s that dickhead Orton to run interference and cause a DQ at (5:02). But Bruno won’t give him shit, blocking the cast-shot and knocking his ass around, unraveling it and tossing him, then mounts Piper to smash his head into the mat over and over again while the ref desperately tries to stop it. But no- Bruno doesn’t care- he wants this man DEAD. But Orton saves Piper after the fans get their pound of flesh with this beating, and they overwhelm the legend and tie him in the ropes. Piper, great a heel as there ever was, starts slapping him in the face to rub it in to build heat for the rematch.

This was AMAZING. Only 5 minutes of in-ring action but Bruno absolutely beat the living shit out of Piper, made him bleed, and humiliated him. Dig Piper taking every bump in the book, flopping around, both guys selling the beating so much they’re throwing punches from their knees, their sides and their asses because they can’t stand but are fueled by so much hate, and more. And Bruno plays it up like he’s strong AND wise, outsmarting Piper at every turn so Piper has to cheat. So the fans get exactly what they want, which is an embarrassed, bare-assed Piper flopping around the ring… but also crave revenge (and, more importantly, a ticket to next month’s show) because the dastardly heels still double-teamed our hero and left him lying in the ropes with that vicious beatdown. And sure enough, next month is a TAG match, with Bruno & Paul Orndorff vs. the heels!

Rating: *** (nothing more than a simple brawl for 5 minutes and two minutes of a post-match but it’s amazing for what it is- Bruno was limited but his timing, selling and crowd engagement was impeccable)

BRUNO SAMMARTINO & PAUL ORNDORFF vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER & COWBOY BOB ORTON:
(WWF Boston Garden, Jan. 1st 1986)
* It’s a rematch! With Orndorff, one of the key babyfaces, now allied with Bruno. As Paul hated Piper, his ex-partner, you knew it had to happen. Roddy & Bruno are in blue trunks; Orton & Orndorff are in red. Oh come on, that’s tremendously annoying. I mean not like I can mix any of them up but dang- COORDINATE YOUR GEAR!

And we’re JIP immediately with a babyface assault, Roddy & Orton being left reeling as Paul, hilariously, has a cast on his own arm and is battering them with it. Piper takes a hilarious face bump and flops like a fish off it, making sure that his bits only come AFTER the big Bob bumps, so the fans always have their eyes in the right place and aren’t distracted (this is such a forgotten thing in a lot of today’s stuff). Double-noggin knocker sees Bob faceplant on one side while Piper is so dazed he’s going for a tag in the other with nobody in sight, hahahaha. We finally settle into a real tag match a minute in and Orndorff is already strangling Roddy with the tag rope out of sheer hatred. Piper flops around and still goes for non-existent tags, but Orndorff takes so long tagging in Bruno (asking the fans if they wanna see him, first) that he escapes. Orton nails Bruno in the gut and hits a SWEET fistdrop, but has to leave while Piper is gleefully slapping away at the old man and gets walloped for it because Orton’s not there to back him up anymore. But Orton manages to nail Bruno off the apron and Piper uses a wooden chair on his back, then rams him into the wooden steps. haha I mean that chairshot would have shamed Lance Storm but that was a good bump into the steps.

Piper goes to the eyes to stop a comeback, but Bruno swallows him up and tags out- Orndorff comes off the top with a cast and goes for the Piledriver, but Orton does the same move to him and he’s out. Ventura writes him off, but Paul kicks out at two! Piper’s sitting up with a disgusted “I can’t believe this shit” look on his face is amazing, haha. Piper tosses a fan’s frisbee back into the crowd for some glorious improv, then pops Bruno one to distract the ref for some sneaking about, but Paul whips Bob into the corner and nails Piper with the cast to leave him flopping around. Orton does a great job preventing a tag by blocking from all fours (both Monsoon & Ventura mark out for it) and a dazed Roddy slugs away, but Paul hits a sunset flip- and instead of the old “Heel busts him one” reversal, Orndorff absorbs a bunch of them before yanking down Piper’s tights to show the full moon before pulling him over and Orton has to nail him with the cast. A bare-assed Piper is left to hilariously stomp away (you can see some fans taking pictures of his bum, lol), but Orndorff manages to backdrop out of Orton’s piledriver and nail him. HOT TAG BRUNO! But all we get is a quick brawl to the floor- Bruno tosses a chair that clatters against the ringpost in a great visual but is Counted Out at (8:45) as Piper escapes. Piper again avoids true punishment! Checking things out, this leads to a blow-off in a STEEL CAGE the next month, Bruno winning the feud for good. Piper moves on to Mr. T at WrestleMania 2.

Another fun brawl, with Orton doing some beautiful wrestling and bumping, and Piper being a great cartoon doofus, faceplanting and literally showing ass once again. Far less of Bruno this time, as he was mostly there in the beginning- this was mostly the heels bouncing around and then controlling Orndorff with very basic stuff. Orndorff was as far from a natural babyface as you can get, but getting shine off of Piper is pretty easy. And man, someone commented on the chairshot in the YouTube video, with another suggesting it’s because of the respect Piper had for Bruno… but DOING A JOB to him after all this definitely indicates this. Piper didn’t exactly job a bunch in the ’80s.

Rating: *** (another short fun one, mostly due to the heels bumping and being doofuses)

AKIRA TAUE’S TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO-GOOD, VERY BAD DAY:
JUMBO TSURUTA, MASANABU FUCHI & AKIRA TAUE vs. MITSUHARU MISAWA, TOSHIAKI KAWADA & TSUYOSHI KIKUCHI:
(All Japan, Jan. 27th 1991)
* It’s a rematch! I reviewed the first one before Christmas, featuring Taue finishing Kikuchi, the weakest of the young guys, with a backdrop suplex. So now the youngsters want revenge. Parameters are thus: Misawa wants to unseat Jumbo, Kawada despises Taue (he’s of their generation but turned his back to be Jumbo’s partner & trainee), Taue dislikes Kawada, Kikuchi is weak and fragile, and Fuchi is this slimy, sniveling old man. Taue has the world’s worst perm- this gigantic stack of hair that looks ridiculous. Remember the ’90s? There was a brief comeback of perms but only a couple guys got it, and were mercilessly teased for it.

Fuchi is ready to start with Kawada, but Taue wants him instead- Taue is this great combination of ungainly and precise as he bounces off of strikes but scores some early offense- he’s dragged to the corner for some ass-whuppin’, doing some great “lummox” selling- I love his limbs all aflutter as he stumbles back off of Misawa’s spinkick. And also that every time they pull him somewhere, he’s fighting them the entire time, throwing elbows and stuff- not just the Attitude Era “grab their head and they’ll follow you” stuff. And so the long story develops of “Sucks to Be Taue” as they spend the entire match torturing him and bouncing him around. Naturally it’s tiny Kikuchi who fucks it all up, as Akira just pushes him to the heel corner- Kikuchi does a great move rolling away from him to create some distance and avoid being swarmed. Kawada beats on Fuchi, but a bootrake sets up Jumbo and HOLY SHIT Kawada basically teleports over his Jumbo Knee at light speed, just WHIPPING himself to the mat. Good lord what a sell. Kawada puts that over like nuts, shrinking to the floor in pain, where Taue pounces- but Kawada fires back with a lariat! Sucks to be Taue! But Jumbo still stays on Kawada’s gut, pummeling him till he escapes. Kikuchi swarms Taue with attacks, so Taue again uses his size to whip him down and gets Jumbo to save- Kikuchi eats a bunch of immense strikes and that fuckin’ vulture Fuchi just throws him arm-first into the guardrail because he’s a bitch. Another shot, but Kikuchi rolls up Taue and escapes so Kawada can lay waste! Spinkick for Taue! He puts his head down and gets booted & DDT’d! Misawa tees off on him and Taue enzuigiris out to escape- hahah and here’s Fuchi with the big “GO JUMBO!” fist-pump while he sits on his ass out there. Fuck you, Fuchi.

ASSHOLE.

Jumbo immediately hits his knee on Misawa and elbows away, but staggers off of one himself- the kids tee off on him until he powers Kawada over to Fuchi, who throws rabbit punches like a total asshole. But Kawada gets sick of his shit and boots him to the floor, then press-slams Kikuchi onto him from there! Fuchi is amazing as he lolls about in pain off of strikes and a German, and then we get a hilarious bit as Jumbo breaks it up and Kikuchi swarms him, and Jumbo responds with total disgust and disdain, stuffing him and whipping him to the floor. But as Jumbo turns away in disgust, Kawada absolutely HAMMERS him with a lariat to the back of the head, leaving him tumbling to the ground in a heap! He spends minutes out there, writhing in pain as that sycophantic sack of shit Fuchi just coddles and fusses over him and poor Taue eats all sorts of offense in the ring- sucks to be him as he takes a three-on-one ass-kicking, wide-legged as he teeters on the edge. He finally manages a lariat out of SUMO STANCE~~ and tags out so Fuchi can throw some boxing combos like a prick, but Misawa soon overwhelms him after absorbing it. Jumbo finally recovers and comes in, but now Kawada’s thirsty for more and just UNLOADS on him with his entire arsenal of knees and kicks, just pressuring the old man… but Jumbo STANDS UP with the most infuriated look at this fuckin’ kid on his GODDAMN LAWN and… no! Kawada hauls him down for the repeater kicks! Jumbo gets even grumpier as the bear is fully unleashed, hammering Kawada with elbows and shoves him around & boots him and the crowd is loving him go into “Veteran Mode”. And now, all sense of decorum out the window, the enraged old man drags Kawada to the floor where he slams him on the concrete and fires a huge flurry of chairshots into his back. See, Kawada gets too aggressive and the crowd loves it, but he always pays for it- Jumbo ain’t one to fuck with.

Kawada’s now beaten to a pulp by an enraged Jumbo, and Fuchi vultures in and whips him back into the ring where Jumbo keeps up the work, even hammering Misawa when he tries to interfere. And weak bitch Kikuchi tries to intercede again and AGAIN Jumbo is totally disgusted with him, shitcanning him instantly haha. Jumbo’s finally tired out (dig Kikuchi spamming attacks to his back and walking away lol) and Taue takes over for a bit… but Kawada counters a suplex with a vertical brainbuster! Misawa sends Taue stumbling all over the place and Kikuchi hits a DK-style Diving Headbutt for two but runs into a powerslam! Fuchi hits some stuff but gets perfect plexed and Misawa kills him with a flying elbow- Taue breaks up the pin to HUGE heat! Jumbo Knee! But Misawa counters a butterfly suplex with a backslide and Kawada slaps the shit out of the Ace in a huge show of disrespect to pay back the prior assault… but charges right into his frontal arc and eats the Jumbo Lariat! Fuchi assists him with a Backdrop Suplex to more heat, and then he just hits Kawada with a furious Lariat and tags in TAUE to pin him! haha such disrespect- letting the JUNIOR do it! Kawada is fading after the kickout and eats an atomic drop into a head kick, but goes SUMO to try a lariat… and charges into a Gamengiri Kick! GREAT “uggghhhhhh” lummox sell by Taue, all limbs going every which way. But Kawada goes for the tag… and Taue SHOVES HIM FORWARD, knocking Misawa off the apron! Completely undoes the babyface plan! Backdrop suplex- two! Samoan drop- two! Fans are biting cuz Misawa’s dazed and out of the fight, but he finally sets up Kawada’s lariat for two. Kawada readies his Powerbomb finisher… but here’s Jumbo with a Lariat to the back of the head to really screw him over! Powerbomb from Taue! THREE (20:28)! Taue pins Kawada! He beat his rival! So all the horrible abuse Taue suffered all match pays off as he scores an unfair win when the boss helped him out! And Kawada pays for his poking the bear as Jumbo undoes him entirely.

Man these guys are just EXCEPTIONAL. They’re not even firing on all cylinders and guys are leaving some stuff in the tank and it’s still an amazing match with so many layers, yet 20 minutes flies by like ten because they fill every bit of it with storytelling. There’s no FILLER here- they establish character immediately (Kikuchi tries but sucks, Fuchi is weak but sneaky, Misawa is a technical wizard but the vets can out-tactic him, Jumbo is durable but slow, Kawada is devastating but bites off more than he can chew, and it Sucks to Be Taue). Everyone plays their role to perfection- Fuchi loses when it’s fair, but comes in with flurries of punches or sneak attacks, and is so Jumbo-centric he leaves Taue out to die to ramp up the humiliating for poor Taue. Kawada is so aggressive he pummels the shit out of Jumbo in the best bit of the match, but this only suffices to enrage the Ace, who makes him pay for it again and again, and basically changes the match by getting so enraged he cheats with a chair until Kawada is just done. And then calls in Taue to finish the job, as if his point was made and he wants Kawada to like… be further humiliated by the lowest-ranked guy beating him. And then Lariats Kawada to undo him for good, and now the two aging vets are hugging Taue to show their appreciation and all the abuse he suffered pays off. Taue’s selling was amazing- I love how he stands all wide-legged (like Terry Funk), looking “dazed” and holding his arms out like this big lummox, letting the good guys tee off on him. He looked equal parts hapless and brave, weathering the storm, yet you know this victory is cuz Jumbo set it up for him, so Kawada’s hate remains pure and his revenge will be all the sweeter.

Rating: **** (phenomenal TV match with such great character bits)

STAN HANSEN TAG TOURNAMENT:
FOUR GUYS IN THE RING AT ONCE:
KRONIK (Brian Adams & Bryan Clark) vs. STEVE WILLIAMS & MIKE ROTUNDO vs. MIKE BARTON & “JUNGLE” JIM STEELE vs. GEORGE HINES & JOHNNY SMITH:
(All Japan TV, July 20th 2002)
* DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY! Demolition’s #1 fan Phrederic nominated this atrocity, which ran a horrifying 26 minutes and thirty seconds. Sadly, we only have an 11-minute clipped version for our viewing pleasure. This features not only a post-WWF KroniK, but a ludicrously past his prime Steve Williams teaming with Mike Rotunda (who was never interesting, and is also now past his prime), taking on Bart Gunn (given a push in All Japan for legit KOing Williams during the “Brawl For All”, since he had respect in Japan) & the former Wolf Hawkfield, a generic crap steroid guy. Plus Johnny Smith (a “we have Dynamite Kid at home” Brit and longtime All Japan undercarder) with some guy I’ve never heard of (looks like it’s Bobby Fulton’s younger brother Jackie). This is a BEAUTIFUL dream match full of all sorts of weird dudes with wild careers. Like one of the worst workers of his generation teaming with Adam Bomb against a Smoking Gunn and a Virtua Fighter character, a big gaijin superstar and IRS, and Dollar Store DK and Jobby McGhee.

The announcers repeatedly use the modern, PC word for foreigners, “Gaikokujin” (“outside country person” instead of “gaijin/outside person”, which is deemed impolite/slur-adjacent now) as we’re off- everyone divebombs KroniK to start until the big ‘uns fight them off. Man Dr. Death’s offense just looks sad. A tired old man. KroniK bail and pout, and we’re clipped to mid-match as Death & Barton are slugging it out on their knees. Smith, in his second trimester, works a resthold on Clark’s leg while Williams & Barton head over the top on a clothesline. Adams rushes the ring and KroniK nearly double-chokeslam puny Smith, but big roided Hines hits the ring and slugs it out with Adams, who puts in a half-hearted sell-job, can’t get his chokeslam, and press-slams him for our first crowd reaction all match. Double Chokeslam thus finishes Smith. Clipped to Williams hitting a dragon screw on Adams, but can’t get the Backdrop Driver- Adams tries the chokeslam but Williams elbows out, Adams half-heartedly selling (ignoring a boot as he bends over) and going up for the Doctor Bomb… for the pin! The crowd didn’t expect that and pops for it.

Clipped to Barton/Williams reliving their rivalry, Barton hitting THE LEFT HAND to Death’s stomach as he charges in. Big Jim Steele comes in with a “neckbreaker” (I mean, sorta), but he charges into a judo throw (the “ippon”-something shoulder throw!), but Steele hits a flying shoulderblock for two. Rotundo interferes to force a tag and hits the airplane spin for two, then Barton adds a DDT. Steele is so gassed he can barely slam Rotundo, hitting a flying splash and Barton’s flying elbow gets two. Pumphandle slam- Williams breaks it up. Barton shoves him out of an Oklahoma Stampede into Steele’s lariat, then fires off a surprise Ace Crusher to Rotundo for three at (9:12 shown of 26:30)! Barton & Steele win! At TWENTY SIX MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES and thirty seconds of action! Hansen gives them their trophies to end it.

A very clipped match- like down to a third- yet it still felt rather “full” since it had 9 minutes of action shown. Everyone looked pretty slow and lazy, but given the sheer match length you can buy them taking it easy and even guys who are REALLY in good cardio shape would be a bit messed after all that time, much less with how big most of these dudes were. Adams seemed to be putting in a bit of an effort to sell and move around compared to his WCW/WWE self, but was still mis-timing some selling.

Rating: ** (seemed fine, if a bit slow- lots of half-hearted Hoss-ery but a solid match structure)