Dream Matches — page 8

CM Punk as an edgy indie guy with blond hair!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a pretty wacky assortment, starting with a 2005 OVW match from the “Heyman Era” with three wildly disparate careers all converging at the same point- future megastar CM Punk taking on wrestling washout Brent Albright and mid-tier dingus Ken Doane in a Three-Way Dance for the OVW TV Title!

Then it’s a very “1998 WWF” match as Darren Drozdov faces BOMBASTIC BOB on WWF Shotgun! Yes, Bob Holly when he was on the New Midnight Express for a couple months and was thus “safe” to job out to any new act. Then it’s over to 1989 WWF as Dangerous Danny Davis continues his JTTS ways against former ally Bret “Hitman” Hart! A WCW jobbery match as Scotty Riggs takes on Olympic bobsledder Chip Minton in a 1999 Worldwide episode! And finally, it’s a bizarre mish-mash in All Japan as Genichiro Tenryu, Earthquake & Nobukazu Hirai take on Mike Awesome, Johnnny Smith and WCW’s “The Wall”! A TRUE “Hit random on Fire Pro” dream match! Hell of a finish, too.

OVW TV TITLE:
THREE WAY DANCE:
CM PUNK vs. “THE SHOOTER” BRENT ALBRIGHT vs. KENN DOANE (w/ Kenny Bolin & Soseh):
(Ohio Valley Wrestling, 12/03/2005)
* Yes, I’m braving more Ohio Valley Wrestling (this time under the Paul Heyman regime). And look at the lineup! CM Punk, one of the biggest stars of the 21st century, back when he was a beloved indie guy for a few years and then jumped to WWE (uh, when did he first really start getting noticed?). Brent Albright could not possibly be trying more to be like Chris Benoit- he has a similar figure and nearly the exact same style of trunks & wrist-tape, and moves like he wants to be seen as Benoit-Lite. I’ve never heard of him till someone brought him up a couple months ago- I guess he was highly thought-of but flamed out super fast and just disappeared, making WWE TV only a couple of times? He was allegedly told to imitate Benoit by Paul Heyman. Doane  is a Killer Kowalski trainee who was just about to head to WWE as part of the Spirit Squad, then split off for a singles push… that went nowhere and he got fired.

Also featuring Chris Benoit vs. Ron Studd!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a unique one for you today- a full episode of WWF Superstars of Wrestling from Nov. 28th 1987! Mostly because I watched the first match following last weeks’ Brutus Beefcake vs. Danny Davis match and then found the six-man interesting, and just kept watching going “why not?” So come see the Dream Team EXPLODE as Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake takes on Greg “The Hammer” Valentine in a grudge match! Then it’s Koko B. Ware & The Young Stallions taking on the Jobber Dream Team of Terry Gibbs, Dale Wolfe & Barry Horowitz! And squash matches by Jake “The Snake” Roberts, “The Rock” Don Muraco, “The King” Harley Race, and the Hart Foundation! With Leapin’ Lanny Poffo as a jobber!

But I also start it off with a jobber match I’ve been meaning to get to: Chris Benoit vs. Ron Studd in WCW! Come see Ron Reis before his “push” as the Flock’s giant! And more of the Best of Dangerous Danny Davis, as he takes on his counterpart in the company, babyface JTTS Sam Houston, just starting out his run!

CHRIS BENOIT (w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth) vs. RON STUDD:
(WCW Monday Nitro, 12/8/1996)
* Oh yeah, it’s time for MORE RON STUDD. I apparently was on a big “Ron Studd” kick when I started this column judging from how often his matches appeared on the early ones. I always meant to review this one but never got around to it- it’s only notable because of the finish. Benoit, looking almost nervous as he walks around, is flanked by Woman & Liz, in outfits that very much do not suck, while Studd’s in the ring looking like a giant doofus with his long tights, short T-Rex arms and duck-butt. I do not remember this incarnation of Benoit’s theme (which is like his standard one but with no ’90s style *clap-clap*). Studd is MASSIVE, a legit seven-footer with Benoit coming up under his clavicle.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time around, I have one of the most bizarre, cartoonish matches you’re likely to see- Andre the Giant vs. Gorilla Monsoon in a BOXING MATCH in Puerto Rico from 1977! Come see how much of a cartoon villain ol’ Gorilla was, doing knee strikes and stuff, plus doing some incredible bumping for such a giant dude.

Then it’s over to 1993 WCW as a newbie Steve Regal takes on Barry Windham for the NWA World Title! Then 1998 WWF as the Headbangers face the thrown-together babyface team of Faarooq & (2 Cold) Scorpio! And I’ve decided to gaze into the abyss that is DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS matches, as I take a look at his run as a bottom-tier JTTS heel, starting today- his opponent is one Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake! And finally, Mike Tolbertmania continues as the WCW Power Plant graduate gets fed to Greg “The Hammer” Valentine of all people in early 1998. Yes, the Attitude Era is in full swing, and WCW is putting Valentine on TV.

BOXING MATCH:
ANDRE THE GIANT vs. GORILLA MONSOON (w/ Hugo Savinovich):
(WWF, Puerto Rico, 1977)
* hahah oh my god look at THIS. Monsoon, 40 years old and looking like your fat, bald uncle, is a heel and is facing Andre the Giant himself in a boxing match at a stadium show in Puerto Rico that has apparently never been shown in the U.S. until this ’80s showing. Lord Alfred points out that Monsoon is the only man to have wrestled Muhammad Ali and boxed Andre the Giant. There has just been a tropical rainstorm, soaking ringside, and you know a pro like GORILLA is gonna do something with that. Monsoon does some little Ali shuffles like a champ, too. Andre’s in red trunks, while Monsoon’s got a black shirt on (thank god) and red shorts.

The Warlord! One of the weird “goofy look; doesn’t get pushed” guys of the early ’90s. Come see part of why!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have some incredibly weird, disparate stuff from the depths of hell for you, starting off with a FAT MAN STAND-OFF of epic proportions, as someone actually allowed KAMALA vs. BASTIAN BOOGER to happen, giving the two guys five minutes on a syndicated show with Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon at their snarkiest, completely burying both guys!  Following that, it’s TUGBOAT vs. THE WARLORD, pitting two of the WWF’s two worst singles workers against each other at a time when neither one could afford to eat a loss!

Following that, it’s a No Ropes Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch from Japan, as Shinya Hashimoto and Kintaro “W*ING* Kanemura pay tribute to a deceased wrestler in the craziest way I’ve ever seen in wrestling! You have to see it to believe it!

Then it’s over to 2003-era NWA-TNA, as AJ Styles talks smack and has to deal with the Living Legend himself… Larry Zbyszko! How can an indie super-worker deal with such an aged opponent and still make it entertaining? Finally, it’s another “Mike Awesome in All Japan” match, as he faces John “Earthquake” Tenta himself!

KAMALA vs. BASTIAN BOOGER:
(WWF Mania, June 27th 1993)
* … there is no god. They stuck this on WWF Mania with Monsoon & Jim Ross on commentary (both are in a “man this is shit” burying mood, which as you’ll see will save the whole segment). Kamala’s in his babyface run, post being saved by Reverend Slick. Booger is actually NOTICEABLY larger, being super-rotund compared to his merely porcine opponent. Even so, this is my favorite kind of match and yours- a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a wild assortment of “WTF?” matches, including one inspired by a recent Twitter post. We start off with maybe the most disparate two men possible in the strangest match- the Ring of Honor World Title match between “The American Dragon” Bryan Danielson… and Kamala the Ugandan Giant! In 2006! Honest to God!

Then it’s a weirdo match from All Japan, as Mike Awesome continues his AJPW tour teaming up with The Amazing Red of all people (as the green-clad Spriggan) against Jimmy Yang & Elix Skipper! Then, a recent Twitter post about how Steve Boz ruined his chances to ever become a recurring WWF jobber inspired me checking out him & Race Steele vs. Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn in a pretty good WWF Metal squash that was poor Boz’s only chance! Then it’s over to the UWF in 1987 as Sting & “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert team up against The Fantastics!

RING OF HONOR WORLD TITLE:
SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE PRINCE NANA:
“THE AMERICAN DRAGON” BRYAN DANIELSON vs. KAMALA THE UGANDAN GIANT (w/ Kim Chee):
(Liberty States Wrestling, Sept. 30th 2006)
* Hahah, jesus. BRYAN DANIELSON, legendary super-worker and technical wrestling god… and he’s up against a past his prime 1980s star KAMALA of all people. U.S. indies, everyone! Danielson is the ROH Champion and I guess got to defend the title in other companies. At least they stack the deck against him by letting Prince Nana, a friend of Kamala’s, act as the referee. Danielson’s in purple trunks, while Kamala’s in the usual loincloth, looking saggier than usual, but still a full head taller than Bryan. They’re in front of all of 50 people with a theatre stage behind them- oh, indies. Kamala is 56 years old here, so don’t expect a workrate paradise. As opposed to like… every other Kamala match, I guess.

(about 25 minutes in)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! The wild assortment continues, as we start off with Mike Awesome in his All Japan run, where he wrestles KENTA KOBASHI on a big show! This match ends up becoming a perfect example of the “All Japan Template” match, where you can thread in just about anybody and get great results, with Awesome’s great offense being used perfectly.

Then it’s time for a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!! King Kong Bundy vs. Mabel in a podunk indie gymnasium for an all-time Indie Dream Match! Come see both guys give their best “pretend effort to give the fans their 10 bucks worth”, and then an appearance by Big SLAM Vader, a shitty Vader knockoff! And then I have a match from HIM, too, as he takes on Chris Wylde in another indie! Then, my tribute to Terry Funk via his weirdo “WTF?” matches continues, as it’s Terry & Dustin Runnels (in his “He is Coming” Christian phase) take on the New Age Outlaws on WWF Shotgun, with some classic comedy bumping by Terry to take the stink off a low-effort, overlong TV match! And finally, someone found me a bizarre one-off- Steve Blackman vs. PRINCE NANA from WWF Metal in 2001! I didn’t realize Nana started out as a dumpy comedy wrestler!

KENTA KOBASHI vs. THE GLADIATOR:
(All Japan, 09/04/1999)
* Yes, it’s Mike Awesome vs. Kenta Kobashi! Shortly before Awesome joins ECW, too- he’s working for FMW here but is doing some All Japan stuff, and his huge size means he’s a good match for one of the Four Pillars. Four Pillars vs. Other Guys matches are always interesting to me- we’re so used to the fantastic chemistry the big stars have with each other, but their “downgraded” stuff can be just as fascinating for how their movesets and selling is modified against lesser opponents. They command more offense and don’t swing for the fences as often, just having “a solid match” and that’s kind of important to watch, along with guys’ best stuff. It gives you a fuller picture of the workers, you know? If you ONLY watch the Pillar vs. Pillar stuff, you come away thinking their baseline was **** but they were like anyone else- putting in as much effort as was needed. Like, what IS Kobashi’s “House Show Mode”, right? The Gladiator’s in black trunks, and Kobashi in the big orange one (man that is a weird cut- like a giant diaper). This is “Goatee Kenta” era, and Gladiator’s just a notch taller than him.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have an extremely bizarre assortment for you tonight- headlined by a FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as Vader teams up with Stan Hansen in All Japan… against the Headhunters! Yes, the obese twins of the bloodbath wrestling companies head to All Japan to face the biggest potato-merchants in all of wrestling!

Next up, it’s the culmination of my Shinya Hashimoto watchthrough (though I’ll probably find more) in his famously stiff chest-chopping masterpiece with Genichiro Tenryu in the G1 Semi-Finals! Next up it’s close to the debut of Power & Glory on WWF TV as they take on Jim Powers (Paul Roma’s old tag partner) & Jumping Jim Brunzell! Shed tears as a soon-to-be-retiring Blitzkrieg gets fed to VAN HAMMER to set up another push for one of wrestling’s worst big guys! And finally, it’s another “Jumping” guy, as Joey Maggs and his manager Teddy Long are faced with the threat of late-1995-era comedy jobber Disco Inferno!

STAN HANSEN & VADER vs. THE HEADHUNTERS (Headhunter A & B):
(All Japan, 12/04/1998)
* OH HELL YES!!! A wild “WTF?” tag team match of insanity AND it’s a Fat Man Stand-Off! It’s Vader & Stan Hansen, the Potato-Force of wrestling, up against the obese Puerto Rican brawlers in the least likely place to see them- All Japan Pro Wrestling! The problem with the Headhunters in other promotions is immediately apparent as their deal is that they’re mega-obese (Headhunter A is noticeably fatter) but both are dwarfed by Vader in height and weight, and Stan is even taller than that.

“Roidier Rick Rude” and “Skinny BabyTaker” fighting Japanese legends. Wrestling is beautiful.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a SUPER wild assortment even by the standards of this column- The Undertaker & Scott Hall in Japan taking on a future megastar! The Quebecers in 1998 WWF! An impossibly shitty UK Indie match! A Goldberg squash! WOO, GO WRESTLING!

So first off it’s an IWGP Tag Title defense as Shinya Hashimoto & Masa Saito defend against… Scott Hall and Mark Calaway! Yes, it’s the Undertaker as “Punisher Dice Morgan” as he teams with another future big star (back when had your dad’s 1980s moustache) against Shinya before he was a god of New Japan and the former WWF Tag Champion, Masa Saito!

I follow that one with the Quebecers’ bizarre run in 1998 WWF, where they were a forgettable JTTS team at the peak of the business’s popularity, and they take on the “Funks”- Terry Funk and 2 Cold Scorpio! Then it’s over to the EWA as The Dirt Bike Kid, star of a previous “Anatomy of a Disaster” column, takes on Phil Powers in the UK! Finally it’s Bill Goldberg at the beginning of his jobber-destroying run taking on Power Plant musclefetishist’s dream Mike Tolbert, and “The Rocket” Owen Hart take on JTTS wunderkind, Blake Beverly, as I cap off all the Blake matches I can find on YouTube! Enjoy!

IWGP TAG TEAM TITLES:
SHINYA HASHIMOTO & MASA SAITO vs. SCOTT HALL & PUNISHER DICE MORGAN:
(New Japan, March 19th 1990)
* Oh man, HASHIMOTO vs. RAZOR & UNDERTAKER!?! This match exists?! Completely wild! So yeah, Punisher Dice Morgan is a big floofy-haired rookie Mark Calaway and his mustached “1980s Dad” partner is Scott Hall, who at this point was just a floundering big guy. The white guys are in matching black trunks. Shinya is so damn young and kinda… shapeless at this point, not having his giant meatbag titties at this point and looking more like 1988 Mick Foley, while Saito (a former WWF Tag Champion with Mr. Fuji) is this THICK midget with huge muscles- like this dude has zero neck whatsoever. And we do each country’s national anthems for this one.

Underreported amidst the ton of recent wrestling deaths was that of Mike Halac, aka Mantaur.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have another FAT MAN STAND-OFF for you, as Bam Bam Bigelow faces MANTAUR just after the latter had won a bunch of jobber matches so they could pretend he was a featured act! Then it’s over to Zero-One in Japan as legend Shinya Hashimoto takes on Masato Tanaka, who is familiar to US audiences via ECW!

Then it’s over to WCW for more of my tribute to Terry Funk, with Terry’s mid-90s run in a match against a very bored Brian Pillman! “Dangerous” Devon Storm gets a WCW Prime match against “Men At Work” Chris Kanyon, and shows off just why Storm never really “made it” via his shitty version of 1996 indie flippy guy offense. Finally, I throw in a beautiful WCW Power Plant match between roided rookies, as it’s Horshu vs. Mike Tolbert!

… oh hey I just realized that every featured match today but one is a tribute to deceased wrestlers! Hooray!

BAM BAM BIGELOW vs. MANTAUR (w/ Jim Cornette):
* OH HELL YEAH IT’S TIME FOR A FAT MAN STAND-OFF! The YouTube video here is of a French broadcast with who I think is Ray Rougeau on commentary (I can recognize his cadence and voice even in French). Bam Bam is a babyface with a Bob Holly-esque sound after the “BAMMMM BAMMMMM!” part of his theme. He’s wearing a ridiculous Power Rangers Villain costume with a frill made of flames and big fire gauntlets. Mantaur is decidedly a JTTS gimmick, but they had him squash a lot of jobbers for the first month or so to establish him, which was the style at the time- he’s nearly as big as Bam Bam, but less rotund and more broad.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a lot of Dead Guy Tributes for you! Starting off, we have Eddie Guerrero vs. his older brother Hector… from NITRO in 1997! Yeah, I don’t remember this at all! Hector comes to teach his heelish little brother a lesson about family values, in hot-blooded Guerrero style!

Next up we have more in my tribute to Terry Funk… in a Hardcore match on Nitro against The Wall! Yes, we’re back into the weird story of The Wall of all people getting a big of grassroots leading to a push that went nowhere. And I contrast The Wall’s no-selling in THAT match with Bill Goldberg’s in the following, as he takes on the Flock’s big man, Reese! Now THERE’s some fantastic use of no-selling, which is harder than it looks!

Then it’s more of The Best of Ted Arcidi, as we travel to 1987 WCWA and “Maniac” Matt Borne defending the Texas Heavyweight Title and actually making the best out of a useless opponent! And finally, it’s a tribute to “Superstar” Billy Graham… via his last big WWF match, where “The Natural” Butch Reed merks him.

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. HECTOR GUERRERO:
(WCW Nitro, July 22nd 1997)
* A fascinating match I don’t remember, as Eddie takes on his older brother, 13 years his senior. There’s a lot of family resemblance, though Hector is pasty and flabby by comparison, with these sparkly ’80s trunks that don’t fit right. Eddie’s still in his babyface tights (the white with the red symbols), but has dropped the singlet top, just having turned heel.

I have never half-assed a day at work as bad as this. Ever.

Welcome back to another Dream Matches! Oh man, do I have some STUFF for you today! It’s time for another FAT MAN STAND-OFF!! This time a hilariously podunk indie gynmnasium match featuring Bastian Booger vs. Typhoon in maybe the laziest 10-minute match I’ve ever seen- come see a “plz shake my hand, mr. babyface” spot SEVEN MINUTES IN and be in awe.

Then we finally start my slow tribute to Terry Funk, as he teams up with fellow Texas Bradshaw and Dustin Runnels (yes, Runnels) on Shotgun Saturday Night to take on Jerry Lawler and Too Much (Brian Christopher & Scott Taylor) in a meaningless D-show bout that the two veterans try to have fun with! Then it’s my first-ever Austin Aries match (yes, shut up) as he takes on Mad Mikey (Crash Holly) in 2003 TNA! And finally, it’s a WCW 6-Man Tag, as it’s Sting, Lex Luger & El Gigante vs. Barry Windham, Dan Spivey & Larry Zybszko!

TYPHOON vs. BASTIAN BOOGER:
(Some Indie- NWA affiliate, April 22nd 1995)
* Oh yeah it’s FAT MAN STAND-OFF time! With both guys doing their WWF gimmicks in some indie gymnasium for some reason. Why was this allowed? And Typhoon comes down to “Hell’s Bells” by AC/DC, lol. Best part is the song’s intro is so long they don’t even get to the lyrics before the music stops.

JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. KIDMAN:
* So these two were paired up a LOT over the years, but rarely with a long-term feud from what I remember. And I went and found TEN different matches just on YouTube to review, after someone suggested following my Kidman/Psychosis one to try Juvi as well.

So Kidman was the resident low Cruiserweight on the totem pole in 1996-97, but joined the Flock late that year and got a micro-push as a rising star with some potential, constantly scratching himself (in what was a reference to heroin addicts, but this was lost on me and the commentators, who figured it was a reference to him being dirty and greasy). But Kidman got a rocket push in the division later in 1998 after the Flock split up.

Juventud meanwhile was “the guy who loses to Rey Mysterio” for a long time, and did the classic “win some, then lose some” non-push WCW always gave guys, but got a big run with Chris Jericho in early 1998 that made him a star at the expense of his mask. By late ’98, both guys were credible Cruiserweight Champions, and during their whole run they were often thrown out there on TV to have a good match.

This set becomes an interesting look at how guys repeat spots consistently in all their contests, likely having watched their past stuff or having a pre-existing plan. In this case, watch for them doing a spot in the corner where Juvi gets backdropped or suplexed to the apron but either punches Kidman or pulls him down by the hair, then hits a flying move. Also, Juvi flinging himself backwards legs-first right into a wheelbarrow German suplex, and landing on his feet when Kidman tries to German or powerbomb him.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one features maybe the best Ultimate X Match ever (apparently), with AJ Styles & Chris Sabin challenging for Petey Williams’s X-Division belt in an outstanding display of huge spots and killer reversals!

Then it’s a WWF three-way match as Kurt Angle vs. The Rock vs. Tazz, continuing the Angle/Tazz feud and throwing in The Great One! Come see the “Main Event Style” of the WWF, with everyone spamming clotheslines because it’s a core part of all their offensive counters. Then it’s over to Ring of Honor where Roderick Strong faces the IWGP Champion, Kazuchika Okada! And finally a WWF match pitting Money Inc. against old foes “El Matador” Tito Santana & Virgil, with the BABYFACES oddly using the “heel cheating” formula against the heels!

ULTIMATE X:
X-DIVISION TITLE:
PETEY WILLIAMS (w/ Coach Scott d’Amore) vs. CHRIS SABIN vs. A.J. STYLES:
(NWA-TNA, TNA Final Resolution 2005)
* So someone recommended I watch an Ultimate X match like four months ago, so here I am! I finally got around to it! The YouTube title suggests this might be the best one ever, and since YouTube titles never lie, I’m all in! So the “Ultimate X” match is the signature TNA match, where the X-Division guys fight for a belt hanging from an “X” over the ring, held up by four climbable “trusses” (I’m told that is their proper name)- the point is for guys to climb up the trusses, climb across the outstretched wires, and grab the belt. Highspots abound. Sabin’s in black trunks, Petey’s in shiny red shorts, and Styles is in blue shorts. Every single one of them has the same physique and nearly identical proportions- was there some kind of “standard way to lift weights” back in the indies/TNA or something?

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time it’s a late request, as I finally touch on Sgt. Slaughter vs. Iron Sheik in their famous BOOT CAMP MATCH! Then it’s a bunch of weird disparate stuff, like another Ted Arcidi match, as he teams up with Hillbilly Jim to face King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd!

Plus a weirdo mish-mash short-lived tag team of Bobby Eaton of the Midnight Express & Steve Keirn of the Fabulous Ones, as “Bad Attitude” takes on the main event duo of Sting & Ricky Steamboat in WCW! Then it’s more ICEBERG, as I dig into the career of the NWA Wildside luminary as he takes on his longtime rival & partner Tank in a bloody Cage Match involving tons of weapons! And it DOESN’T SUCK! Finally, it’s a classic “before they were stars” match as the future Balls Mahoney, John Rechner, takes on Virgil in 1992 WWF!

BOOT CAMP MATCH:
SGT. SLAUGHTER vs. THE IRON SHEIK:
(WWF, June 1984)
* The famous Slaughter/Sheik match. This was requested right when the Sheik died but I totally just shoved it on the docket of stuff to look at, lol. TIMELY! This was the end of a blood feud between the former World Champion and the peak “Military Patriotic Guy” gimmick Sgt. Slaughter. No holds barred, Falls Count Anywhere with the referee outside the ring.

The man lifted so much that he couldn’t pull his arms past this position at his sides. Naturally, he chose pro wrestling as a career. 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Have I got a wild assortment for you tonight! Mostly a bunch of odd matches starring wrestlers in their early “Jobber” phases, as we get Jim Duggan and the Pitbulls as jobbers! But we start off with a very “1986 WWF Match”, as Big John Studd has to get something out of rookie monster Ted Arcidi, a powerlifter so muscular he couldn’t even put his arms at his sides. Ted does NOT last long in wrestling… and you’re about to see why. This is advertised as “The Ultimate MuscleBear Match”, which is an interesting stipulation.

Then it’s a 1989 WWF match as the Hart Foundation takes on… the Pitbulls?! Yes, a true Dream Match! Except… it’s Durante & Wolfe as jobbers. Roided up jobbers. And come see Hulk Hogan in the WWWF take on future “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan as a Skinny-Fat jobber in 1982! Then it’s over to NWA-TNA as I look into the bizarre JTTS Altar Boy Luke, and he’s up as a jobber against Crash Holly himself- Mad Mikey! And finally it’s WCW goodness as Pretty Wonderful (Paul Orndorff & Roma) vs. UNCLE FRED and “The latest jobber with a push” Mark Starr!

THE ULTIMATE MUSCLEBEAR MATCH:
BIG JOHN STUDD vs. TED ARCIDI:
(WWF TV, April 25th 1986)
* Yes, the video is titled just that! Presumably this is not how WWF advertised it, but the ’80s were a different time and I won’t judge. Studd is one of the top heels in the company- a 6’7″-ish giant feuding with Andre and other big guys, while Arcidi is a powerlifter hired on for his absolutely massive frame and credibility (the first man to bench press 700 lbs.), but he’s gone on to become an infamous example of bad wrestling. I’ve actually never seen him wrestle before, and couldn’t pick him out of a lineup of lifters. He’s in a teeny red singlet to show off his build, while Studd’s in the usual white tights.

NWA-TNA (Episode #52):
(July 9th, 2003)
* Oh yeah, I’m gonna try my hand at TNA! Back in the first year+, when it was all about WWF, WCW & ECW cast-offs, looking like a weird hybrid of all three companies with guys who could never draw a dime mixing in with green stars of the future! TNA is a smorgasbord of messed-up ironic “Dream Matches” that I rarely touch on because it just doesn’t pop up much on my YouTube searches. Plus my natural distaste for Jeff Jarrett stuff until his modern “Memphis Heel” act, Brian Lawler, Glenn Gilberti and other losers. But there’s some truly fascinating stuff at play here because it’s a very weird time for the business, with the only real rival to WWF supremacy half squandering its role while also occasionally hitting on some really good stuff that goes nowhere. Case in Point: NWA World Champion AJ Styles is proving himself as a great wrestler… and his opponent is WWF cast-off D’Lo Brown. D’LO AS A MAIN EVENTER!

Last Week: Two floozies fought two other floozies! Jerry Lynn beat Justin Credible a chain match but got beaten up after! Babyface hero Jeff Jarrett got sent to the hospital by Vince Russo, Joe E. Legend & AJ Styles! oh god JOE E. LEGEND is in this promotion.

Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West.

NWA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
TORNADO TAG RULES (I guess):
AMERICA’S MOST WANTED (“Cowboy” James Storm & “Wildcat” Chris Harris) vs. JOHNNY SWINGER & SIMON DIAMOND (w/ Glenn Gilberti):
* Yes, DISCO INFERNO leading a pair of ECW midcard losers against the World Tag Champions. AMW were a legitimate success story of this era, with two generic-looking white guys actually forming a good team and getting over organically. Diamond is pastier and managed to do three years in ECW without ever getting a real push, and Swinger is a ripped dude with long hair who looks just a bit too much like every other ripped dude with long hair of the era. Glenn is in an ill-fitting shirt and doing commentary. Tenay asserts that AMW were in the “Match of the Year” (the cage match against Triple X), and Glenn gets all insider-y and says “Triple X CARRIED ‘EM! Dey carried dese guys!” and says that AMW aren’t athletes- “Cowboys do CHORES. Dey shovel shit and stuff!”. He is actively, with every sentence, showing just why WWE never hired him on, which is why we only remember him from WCW

GWF TV TITLE TOURNAMENT:
(June 26th, 1991)
* It’s part two of the TV Title Tournament! We saw mostly clipped stuff last round, but I think these are mostly complete. It’s a one-night show, with The Patriot, Billy Black, Makhan Singh (Bastian Booger), Chris Walker, “Exotic” Adrian Street and Buddy Landell all mixed in for a tournament, then a playoff, then the Finals. A pretty wild assortment of guys- an up & coming Hogan knock-off, a rookie with a year spent in Japan copying some of their moves, a burly guy known for his Calgary run and later being a comedy heel, a roided tag guy, one of the most infamous “sissy heels” and the coke-snortingest guy in an industry of coke-snorters!

SEMI-FINALS:

THE PATRIOT vs. “BAD BOY” BILLY BLACK:
* It’s the Patriot in his flag-striped tights against Black in the black trunks. Patriot beat Stan Lane via rollup (smashing him into Jim Cornette) and Wild Bill Irwin with the Patriot Missile (flying shoulderblock), while Black beat Brian Adias by getting his feet up on a splash and holding the tights, then Randy Rhodes with a Moonsault. Black seemed to show some MOVEZ last match but Patriot is pretty hopeless- let’s see what we got.

THE GWF TV TITLE TOURNAMENT:
(June 26th 1991)
* Yes, it’s more of the Global Wrestling Federation! This is, again, the continuation of World Class in Texas, taking over the Sportatorium with a podunk indie, albeit one that has a lot of once and future stars in it. Twenty-four wrestlers in three brackets fight for the TV Title, ending with three finalists- their “World” Title tournament was the same way. We start off with a bunch of dudes, including I think Craid DeGeorge, and then Jim Cornette shows up to hype his man Stan Lane, saying they called out The Patriot (GWF’s top guy).

The tournament is made up of a combination of jobbers, tag wrestlers (Chris Walker, Stan Lane), WCCW stalwart Brian Adias, All Japan alum Billy Black, Calgary veteran Makhan Singh, Buddy Landell, “Exotic” Adrian Street vs. AXL ROTTEN of all people, “Rasta the Voodoo Man”, and the roided up big star of GWF, The Patriot.

Some of the matches are in full, while some are in these “just the last 30 seconds” bits, with one clip airing slightly more. The second part will be in next week’s column!

BRIAN ADIAS vs. “BAD BOY” BILLY BLACK:
* OH GREAT we’re into the first match and I already have to look people up. Ah right, Adias is the guy who was allied with the Von Erichs for years until turning heel on them, probably acting as a heater here to put over heels or the like. He’s a Pasty McGeneric white guy in red trunks, but at least the WCCW faithful would recognize him. Black had an 8-year career that was just starting out here, but he’d just come from ALL JAPAN of all places, winning their secondary tag belts as one of many “Cowboy Heel” midcarders. He’s got long black tights and a mandatory ’90s mullet and goatee. Ironically, his real last name is “White”.

There’s so much “Because WCW” stuff out there that I feel that things like “Had Scott Hall active in the early ’90s and failed to make anything out of him” gets under-reported.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have some pretty disparate stuff for you all, as it’s a weirdo 1991 WCW six-man, a WWF try-out match for the PITBULLS of all teams, and the other NAWA TV show I can find on YouTube! With rookie PAPA SHANGO, Ken Shamrock with ’80s sitcom dad hair, a “Bo Knows Wrestling” rookie, and more!

So first off, it’s Sting, El Gigante & Z-Man up against the One Man Gang, Nikita Koloff and The Diamond Studd (Scott Hall just as he had figured it all out)! Then it’s a WWF try-out match for ECW’s Pitbulls, as Pitbull #1 & 2 take on The Headbangers on WWF Sunday Night Heat!

Finally, it’s a second full NAWA show, full of squashes, but some very interesting ones. It’s the future PAPA SHANGO, workshopping his voodoo character as “Baron Samedi”, teaming up with Bob Orton Jr. of all people. Ken Shamrock as “Vince Torrelli”! A pair of classic “early ’90s dweeby nice guy” tag dudes in Mark Young & Bo Ragin (“Bo Knows Wrestling!”- they actually said it!)! Big John Studd slumming it with the laziest indie match ever! And finally, one of those matches that proves that The Nasty Boys are maybe the all-time best heel team for squashes, as they do the perfect amount of “heel shithead stuff” and “bouncing around like a boob for a rookie”. Read on!

STING, EL GIGANTE & Z-MAN vs. THE ONE MAN GANG, “THE RUSSIAN NIGHTMARE” NIKITA KOLOFF & THE DIAMOND STUDD (w/ Kevin Sullivan & Diamond Dallas Page):
(WCW Pro, Aug. 10th 1991)
* This is a totally wild one, as it’s Sting & El Gigante partnered up again (they were friends and top babyfaces at the time), but with the JTTS Z-Man (Tom Zenk) against recent WWF runaway One Man Gang (who quit seeing that he was getting jobbed out as Akeem), Nikita Koloff (who was pretty done as a name) and a semi-experienced (um, seven-year vet) “ready to break out but Because WCW, nope” Scott Hall. Sullivan is managing Gang, who still has his Akeem hair at this point, and is in all black- Nikita’s in a black singlet (and is so tiny here that I marvel that people thought he was ideal as a Hulk Hogan opponent- Hulk would have dwarfed even the roidiest incarnation of Koloff) & Studd’s in a blue one with a yellow diamond on the crotch, and DDP as his manager before he trained to wrestle. Sting’s in yellow tights, Gigante’s in black shorts (and has a buzz cut), and Z-Man’s in pink trunks.

Hell is Brian Lee matches taking place after… okay, just Brian Lee matches.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a truly wild assortment of nonsense, as an increasingly-bizarre 2003 NWA-TNA springs forth one of the first “ECW Wannabe” runs as “Team Extreme” (The Sandman, New Jack & Perry Saturn- freshly fired from the WWF) team up against the awful Disciples of the New Church, who are at this point made up of Brian Lee (sorry… KILLDOZER Brian Lee), Mike Awesome, and a roided-up Wolfie D. In one of those matches only Vince Russo could have booked, with barbed wire, weapons, tables, a kendo stick on a pole and a LADDER that leads to a baseball bat. Truly horrible.

Then it’s a very “1993” match as Shawn Michaels and the Beverly Brothers take on Tatanka and the Nasty Boys! A very “2001 WWF” match as the Radicalz (Dean/Eddie/Saturn) take on Test and the APA, with every single wrestler in long black tights! Then it’s Brian Adams vs. Medic #8 in Brian’s Heartland Wrestling Association re-training for the WWF! And a weirdo match as the nWo-affiliated Great Muta takes on LENNY LANE on a WCW D-Show!

THE ULTIMATE SIN (Weapons/Barbed Wire/Ladder to a Baseball Bat/Tables/Kendo Stick on a Pole Match):
THE DISCIPLES OF THE NEW CHURCH (“Killdozer” Brian Lee, Slash & Mike Awesome, w/ Father James Mitchell) vs. TEAM EXTREME (The Sandman, New Jack & Perry Saturn):
(NWA TNA, April 2003)
* Here’s a wild one from the early days of NWA-TNA, with the Sinister Minister’s goofball stable of guys taking on an ECW alliance of Sandman, New Jack & Saturn. The Sinister Minister (James Vandenberg) cuts one of those indie-level promos he always did (“You’re now in my world- a world where winning and losing, and life and death are meaningless- and pain is GOD… *evil laugh*), doing the “Religious Extremist/Satanist” gimmick that’s probably hit every indie over the past 40 years. And they put 18 gimmicks in this one match, featuring a ladder, barbed wire around the ring, and tables… plus a kendo stick on a pole and the ladder leads to a bat, Because Russo. He WAS booking this, right?