Dream Matches — page 8

This is what I miss most about wrestling. You don’t see stuff like THIS anymore- 1,100 lbs. of humanity clashing in the middle of the ring. You’d need like eleven Adam Coles!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a wild assortment for you tonight, starting off with my favorite pairing ever for FAT MAN STAND-OFFS, Mabel vs. Yokozuna! But it’s the Tag Champions Owen Hart & Yoko against a heel Men on a Mission, in a rare heel vs. heel clash to set up the PPV title defense against Two Dudes With Attitudes!

Next up, it’s a potential dream match of ***1/2+ capabilities with Fit Finlay vs. Eddie Guerrero… but it’s a random Nitro match while they’re feuding with other guys, so it’s probably filler! Then I try to learn about RIKI CHOSHU, one of the bigger stars I’ve practically never seen, and it’s him vs. Stan Hansen! Finally, Chris Jericho defends the WCW Cruiserweight Title against his non-union American equivalent, Lenny Lane, as he works out his early heel character! Read on!

NON-TITLE MATCH:
OWEN HART & YOKOZUNA (w/ Jim Cornette & Mr. Fuji) vs. MEN ON A MISSION (King Mabel & Mo):
(WWF RAW, Sept. 15th 1995)
* Oh man the all-time FAT MAN STAND-OFF returns, and in tag form again! This is actually Heel vs. Heel, which almost NEVER happens in the WWF so you know this was a time where the roster was depleted. King Mabel’s push had stalled out the month after SummerSlam (and his loss to Diesel), but he was about to get ready for a feud with Undertaker. He didn’t tag with Mo very much during this time, so the man who was now his hype-guy having a match was rare, never mind him taking on the heel tag team champions. Mabel’s in the black shirt with dark purple gear, while chubby Mo is in bright gold- Owen & Yoko are in the usual. Mabel being carried to the ring on a palanquin by a quartet of agonized, shaking jobbers is always hilarious to me.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have another fun “One-Off Show” review for you, as I was recommended some All Japan TV and found that their first episode of 1990 was ALL Dream Matches, to the point where we get Bulldogs/Misawa and Fantastics/Kawada in tag bouts, among others!

ALL JAPAN TV (Jan. 6th 1990):
* It’s time for another “Full Show” review! This time it’s All Japan’s first weekly TV show of 1990! A friend turned me on to this one, as it’s got some of the weirdest dream matches possible, all while leading to further things for the promotion’s regular cast! What kind of Dream Matches? Well, in JUST THIS SHOW, we have The British Bulldogs vs. Mitsuharu Misawa & Masa Fuchi, The Fantastics vs. Toshiaki Kawada & his “Footloose” tag partner, Kenta Kobashi vs. The Great Kabuki in singles, and main eventing with Genichiro Tenryu vs. IVAN KOLOFF! Like, this is insanity! Four matches all featuring worshipped-in-America Japanese dudes and guys most known for runs in the U.S.! Read on!

So the whole deal with All Japan at this point is it tends to bring in a lot of foreigners for their tours- spending a few weeks getting in TV matches, and things usually come to a head on a big Budokan show. If guys do well, they might be brought back for other tours. The midcard is often based off of whatever seems to interest Baba, which is why the Fantastics (fading American undersized workers) and the British Bulldogs (a famous team but with Dynamite Kid actively falling apart and about to retire) are kicking around doing matches with natives (and once with each other, which I’ve already reviewed for this column). Randomly you’ll get Great Kabuki come in, and a few months after this show the Miracle Violence Connection (Steve Williams & Terry Gordy) come in and wreck house, immediately becoming top main eventers.

But these foreigners (gaijin) often swap out (Stan Hansen, still a top-level star, is among the few to stick around constantly). The promotion’s ace is Jumbo Tsuruta, with Genichiro Tenryu still around for a year or so, and Mitsuharu Misawa still decked out as “Tiger Mask” (the second one). And he’s facing the Dynamite Kid, the man who was made legendary fighting the ORIGINAL Tiger Mask!

Hogan (in blue!) versus the already-42 Terry Funk in the main event while some VERY 1980s people watch.

WWF SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT:
(Jan. 4th 1986)
* So I decided to take another look at SNME from the ’80s! There’s a handful of them on YouTube, but this appears to be particularly interesting because the main event is Hulk Hogan vs. TERRY FUNK, as Hogan moves through all the midcarders and upper-card guys in the company during his first year as WWF Champion. Macho Man Randy Savage vs. George “The Animal” Steele! Corporal Kirschner vs. Nikolai Volkoff in a “Peace Match”! Plus Hillbilly Jim, Cousin Luke & Uncle Elmer taking on “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Bob Orton & Jesse “The Body” Ventura! OHH YESSSSSSSS!!! Hook it up to my VEIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSS! Read on!

Hulk Hogan shows up before the intro to hype his Hulk Hogan “Protein Drink” to Mean Gene (looking classy in a t-shirt with a tuxedo design printed on it). Vince runs down the card, giving us an “and then from there” and “notwithstanding” mere seconds apart and then Ventura comes down to whine about his treatment at the hands of those hillbillies at the last SNME. Vince is at least thankful he won’t have to listen to Jesse’s “biased commentary”, but Jess promises him he won’t be able to just talk to himself, as BOBBY HEENAN is his replacement tonight. Oh man, Bobby Heenan commentating on the hillbillies match- tremendous.

“ROWDY” RODDY PIPER, JESSE “THE BODY” VENTURA & “ACE COWBOY” BOB ORTON vs. HILLBILLY JIM, UNCLE ELMER & COUSIN LUKE:
* OH MAN YES!! A heel asshole dream team up against the comedy babyface pin-eaters of the company. This stems from Uncle Elmer’s (apparently) legit wedding on Oct. 1985, with tons of mean-spirited commentary from Jesse (“it looks like two carp in the Mississippi River goin’ for the same piece of corn!”). I’ve seen only one Elmer match before, and Luke is someone I’m unfamiliar with. He was only there a few months, playing a silent hillbilly- an ankle break caused him to miss WrestleMania 2 and he was soon fired after hoping to be repackaged. He’s that kind of “Mo from Men on a Mission” fat, where he’s fat but not, like, enough to get a push out of it- just hard to move around. Elmer is that exact kind of fat, though, but is a 49-year old 430-lb. bald guy. Hillbilly’s the only one shirtless, owing to his Hogan-esque physique. Speaking of physiques, Jesse’s lost a bit of is, still packing muscle but being a lot softer, with his tie-dyed tights being woefully out of fashion here. Bleach-blond skullet, too. Roddy & Ace are in blue trunks.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I’m starting off with another of those “wait, THAT happened?” WTF matches, as The Great Kabuki takes his gimmick from the US to All Japan in 1984, teaming up with a very young Prince Tonga (Haku) against aged British veteran Billy Robinson… and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan shortly before he retired! Come see Heenan’s “sniveling heel twerp” act completely fail to get over with Japanese audiences as these four completely disparate guys go out there and wrestle!

Then it’s the end of my look at Dangerous Danny Davis as he takes on Koko B. Ware in 1988! The second of Giant Silva’s solo WWF matches, as he takes on notable luchadore Pantera on WWF Super Astros! And finally, it’s a very notable match between KENTA and Naomichi Marufuji in 2006 NOAH. The famous Dragon Gate 6-Man at ROH from the same year is one of the matches that most-influenced what the American Indie style became… now come see the other one! Because HOLY SHIT every single part of this match looks like it was lifted 100% for today’s AEW Dynamite matches.

THE GREAT KABUKI & PRINCE TONGA vs. BILLY ROBINSON & BOBBY “THE BRAIN” HEENAN:
(All Japan, June 9th 1984)
* Oh HELL YES!! It’s Haku vs. Bobby Heenan! With great gimmick wrestler Kabuki teaming with young “Prince Tonga” against Heenan and legendary Billy Robinson, a British star wrestler. He’s got curly black hair and a cheesy moustache (like the guy you gotta kick out of a children’s playground), and looks super-old, but gets a pretty good reaction (Heenan gets nothing- they don’t know him). He’s in red trunks while Heenan’s in his standard one-strap tights, looking scrawny and flabby (he was NOT wrestling for long after this). Tonga’s at this point pretty slender compared to his later self, lacking the roid muscle OR bulk. He & Kabuki are in baggy pants.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have another of those completely bizarre mish-mashes of styles as one of the iconic Attitude Era midcarders takes on one of the FOUR PILLARS, as D’Lo Brown goes to All Japan in the 2000s and wrestles Toshiaki Kawada! In Korakuen Hall! Wrestling is amazing!

Next up, I found one of two Giant Silva SOLO matches on WWF television, as he made Super Astros against jobber J.R. Ryder! Then it’s some classic “Throwaway WCW Stuff” as Booker T takes on Bobby Duncum, Jr. on WCW Saturday Night in 1999. Then it’s an AMAZING squash as Big Daddy V takes on three jobbers in WWE’s version of ECW as they’re building up the former Mabel as a Monster Heel again! And finally, an epic pre-Dragon Gate match as Toryumon puts the UWA Trios Titles up for grabs in a massive match featuring New M2K vs. Do Fixer vs. Crazy Max vs. The Italian Connection! Come see all the weirdo lucha-esque spots, elaborate jumping sequences, YOSSINO’s sprinting, and comedy routines built up from months of house shows!

TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. D’LO BROWN (w/ Taka Michinoku):
(All Japan, July 30th 2006)
* hahahaha EXCELLENT. I knew D’Lo left WWF and ended up in All Japan for a while, so this fits, but still… the iconic Attitude Era “rising midcarder” fighting one of the FOUR PILLARS? One some random house-show looking thing in Korakuen Hall. I love wrestling. D’Lo’s in a sharp red & black singlet coming down to DMX music. Kawada is at this point 43 years old and had stuck with his old promotion while nearly everyone else in AJPW started their own cooler promotion! With blackjack! And YakuzaImean hookers. D’Lo’s quite a bit bigger and more muscular than his squat opponent. Only Kawada gets ribbons from the fans. Don’t they know they’re lookin’ at the real deal now?

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today, I have the wildest thing I’ve found in ages- a match featuring Cactus Jack against ANDRE THE GIANT!! And even weirder, it’s a tag match featuring Mighty Inoue teaming with Andre, and the future King Kong (of the Colossal Kongs) teaming with Cactus as “Texas Terminator Hoss”! I love wrestling!

Next up, it’s the atrocity of The Oddities (Kurrgan & Golga) vs. The Disciples of Apocalypse (Skull & 8-Ball) vs. Too Much! Yes, not even “Too Cool” yet- it’s just a collection of the three most bottom-tier tag teams in the division made to fill 7 minutes of screen time on WWF Shotgun. Then it’s more Sick Boy, as he takes on ex-Flock member Perry Saturn on WCW Saturday Night! More Saturday Night as “Above Average” Mike Sanders shows up in his early days against muscular JTTS (and former Kevin Nash partner) Al Green! And finally, someone put a SOLO NASTY BOYS MATCH on TV, as Jerry Sags (as as BABYFACE!) takes on Beau Beverly! Read on!

ANDRE THE GIANT & MIGHTY INOUE vs. CACTUS JACK & TEXAS TERMINATOR HOSS:
(All Japan, April 15th 1991)
* Yes, ANDRE THE GIANT vs. CACTUS JACK. It really happened! Twice, apparently, as Cactus was then a travelling brawler going through as many companies as he could and teaming up with fellow gaijin Texas Terminator Hoss (one of the Kongs- King Kong, in fact). The duo fought Andre and Dory Funk once, and wrestled this match against Andre and Mighty Inoue, the latter an aging star in his 40s. Inoue’s in red trunks (and, at only 5’9″, absolutely dwarfed by everyone in the ring), Andre in a dark singlet, Cactus in a black top & probably animal-print tights, and Hoss is dressed with a blue cowboy hat, black vest, and a red & black singlet. This is taped from a house show, so it’s a single-camera, VERY fuzzy and with poor audio. But still! Andre vs. Cactus!

1980s sex symbols!

NWA WCW SUPERSTARS ON THE SUPERSTATION:
(World Championship Wrestling, Feb. 7th 1986)
* By request, it’s a supercard featuring the NWA guys! I’m going in totally blind, so I wonder what we’re gonna see.

Just a reminder- I AM NOT A WRESTLING HISTORIAN. I never watched NWA growing up, I don’t think I saw any non-WWF wrestling until 1996 and the only stuff I know about this era comes from WWF DVD sets and Scott Keith reviews. So you can take your “Whattaya mean you’ve only seen one Magnum TA match or never seen Ivan Koloff before?” and stick it in your ear! YOUR EAR, I SAY!

We open with Magnum TA (I think- he’s a blonde guy with a country rock mullet!) riding a motorcycle while hillbilly Willie Nelson music plays. Oh yeah, this is how you fight Hogan’s WWF, alright. Your hosts are Magnum and Linda Curry, who has the GREATEST ’80s hair. She appears to have no link to wrestling- maybe some local newscaster or semi-celebrity? Others reviewing this show compare her to Susan St. James showing up in the WWF. Oh, but actual commentary is by David Crockett (ah, so that’s what he looks like) and Tony Schiavone.

NWA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson) vs. THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (Beautiful Bobby Eaton & Loverboy Dennis Condrey, w/ Jim Cornette):
* Oh hey, these two teams have good chemistry I bet! They carried their feud in all the Southern territories. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Eaton/Condrey version of the MX. Condrey is the image I have of all Southern wrestlers- short, squat, portly and with a hairy dad-bod and bad hair. He’s in short black trunks and Eaton’s in black tights. The RnRs are in matching black tights with tassels hanging off them, looking like Chachi’s jeans in Happy Days. The difference between WWF & WCW is very obvious here- a dimly-lit arena and a bunch of portly or skinny guys in plain outfits and an aversion to sunlight. Of course, they’re all AWESOME but the visual differences are important here!

Wrestling’s most unpleasant assholes challenge against the WWF Tag Team Champions!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a sequel to last week’s Saturday Night’s Main Event review, as I look at a rematch between Demolition and the Brain Busters for the WWF Tag Team Titles! Following that, it’s another Bill Goldberg squash, as he faces the Flock’s Sick Boy on WCW Thunder! Then it’s a bizarre WWF Action Zone match as Mabel & Adam Bomb prep for the Survivor Series in 1994 by teaming up against Barry Horowitz & Reno Riggins! Then we hit one of those dreaded “this is what Nitro became” matches, as the nWo B-Team fighting leaves us with VINCENT vs. HORACE HOGAN on the A-show. Tremendous. And finally it’s more Blitzkrieg goodness as he faces Kaz Hayashi on WCW Worldwide.

WWF TAG TEAM TITLES:
BEST TWO OF THREE FALLS:
DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash) vs. THE BRAIN BUSTERS (Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard, w/ Bobby Heenan):
(WWF TV, 1989)
* It’s time for a sequel to their Saturday Night’s Main Event fuck finish match! We start with a pair of promos- Tully subtly puts over Demolition as having “slammed the door” on every possible team over three years, but announce that they’ll be different. Arn adds that all the “spoonheads” will roll out of bed Monday morning, open the sports page, and find “BIG. BOLD. PRINT!” of NEW Tag Team Champions- bitchin’ promo. Ax & Smash counter by proclaiming death to Bobby Heenan and saying he can’t interfere for three falls in a row- when asked about strategy by Mean Gene, Smash says “It’s called TOTAL DESTRUCTION for the Brain Busters!”, so clearly he’s thought this out. Mean Gene: “This could prove to be the greatest victory for the good guys since the invasion of Grenada!”. We see the SNME clip of Ax throwing the referee and getting DQ’d, to the disgust of Jesse Ventura. The Busters are in matching trunks with white on front and red in the back- they sure did switch colors a lot.

SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT:
(May 27th 1989)
* Yes, I’ve decided to review another entire wrestling show! And this one is SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT! Visible on YouTube! With a gloriously 1980s opening! So much synthesizer! Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura are our hosts, and Vince runs down the card: THREE Championship matches- Hulk Hogan defends the WWF Title against the Big Boss Man in a STEEL CAGE MATCH (with one of the all-time spots of the 1980s), “Ravishing” Rick Rude defends his IC Title against “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (now KING of the WWF!), and Demolition defend the Tag Titles against the Brain Busters! Then Randy Savage tries to get back into title contention with a match against Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart!

SNME as a whole was devoted to PPV-tier matches for the most part, with some “filler” mixed in that would ideally by the main event of a weekly TV program like Superstars or Prime Time Wrestling- where it’s midcarders fighting. But entire shows of big matches was a true rarity back then, making shows like this come off as absolutely nuts. You did NOT see Hogan in cage matches on any of the normal TV shows, let me tell you. As this occupied the slot typically given to Saturday Night Live, they front-loaded the show with good stuff and then put the weaker matches on the back end. Everyone typically gets hype promos to set up the matches, as well as cool chyrons in this fancy 1980s screen.

We’re about two months removed from WrestleMania V, to set the stage. The belt-holders are thus giving their first major defenses.

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
“RAVISHING” RICK RUDE (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. KING “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN:
* A big defense for Rude- Duggan was a heavily-pushed, very protected midcarder at this point, and had recently defeated Haku to win the crown of “King” of the WWF. This had previously been a heel trophy (Harley Race & Haku were the previous Kings), and the cross-eyed, tongue-wagging Duggan was a deliberately incongruous type to swing around that much gold and fancy attire. Rude had just beaten the Warrior at WrestleMania V with the famous “Heenan trips Warrior during a suplex into the ring, and holds his foot down while he’s pinned”. Mean Gene admonishes Heenan’s rule-breaking, but Bobby blows it off “I didn’t break Rule Number One” , Rude: “Just win, baby!”). Duggan, meanwhile, points out he has one eye on Heenan, and one eye on the flag (okay, that’s pretty good), but declares Rude “looks a bit pink to me, if you know what I mean”. Rude’s wearing yellow tights with his own face on his ass, and the IC Title on the front- Duggan’s in the usual blue, and gets the “King” music that Race used, and later went to Jerry Lawler.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have the last match in the great AJPW trilogy from 1990-92, as Jumbo Tsuruta leads aging shitbird Masanobu Fuchi & young upstart Akira Taue against Mitsuharu Misawa & the next generation of superstars- Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi! This one pays off all the dramatic struggles in past matches and settles their score for good, I think!

But that’s not all! I have wonders comparable to that, as I’ve found TWO Alex “The Pug” Porteau vs. Faarooq Asad matches from WWF TV in 1996 for your approval! Plus the most “1999 WWF” match possible as “The Lethal Weapon” Steve Blackman takes on a post-Meat Shawn Stasiak!

JUMBO TSURUTA, AKIRA TAUE & MASANOBU FUCHI vs. THE KIDS WHO WON’T GET THE FUCK OFF JUMBO’S LAWN (Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi):
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, May 5th 1992)
* It’s the last in the trilogy! Jumbo is the aging veteran, desperate to maintain his spot and get these kids off his lawn. Taue has turned on his generation of stars to join Jumbo’s group, acting as a Mini-Me “Clone Buddy”. Fuchi is the worst person in the entire world, and a cowardly shitass who only does anything against vulnerable opponents. Misawa is the stoic Perfect Japanese Man, unflappable and the leader. Kawada is a brutish, nasty hellraiser but currently Misawa’s friend- easily provoked but deadly when they do it. Kobashi is their young, pretty, dumb ally, easily vulnerable to the other side but with more fighting spirit than brains. This match is in Sapporo, unlike the other two, which were Korakuen shows in Tokyo meant to juice the big Sumo Hall events. The sides are tied at 1-1, with vulnerable Kobashi being beaten in the first, and young (30-ish) Taue isolated in the second after Kawada successfully provoked Jumbo and delayed Taue’s protectors, netting the win. Each side’s top wrestler scored the final pin. But now it’s two years after their first one, and Jumbo’s noticeably older and the younger guys much more elevated and credible.

* It’s time for a rarity! A Friday Dream Matches, this one with just one bout! The sequel to the one I just did! Next week I’ll complete the trilogy!

JUMBO TSURUTA, AKIRA TAUE & MASANOBU FUCHI vs. THE KIDS WHO WON’T GET THE FUCK OFF JUMBO’S LAWN (Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi):
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, April 20th 1991)
* Six months after their last classic, the six men come together once more! Last match, Fuchi kept vulturing on on vulnerable opponents, Taue kept provoking Kawada (who himself likes to provoke others, but is ill-tempered too), who kept losing his temper and pummeling him, and Kobashi was a total dumbass charging into the big guys and paying for it, while his partners were smarter and learned from his mistakes. But Jumbo was just too much for them, directing traffic and letting the guys punch themselves out and destroyed Kobashi with repeated big moves.

So it’s established that Fuchi is clever and can tie people up, Taue means well but is in over his head against his opponents (often relying on his sumo training origins whenever he’s pressed), and both guys require Jumbo to come in and mop up for them. Jumbo is more than any of the babies can handle, but he himself is an aging veteran and as soon as the pace quickens, he starts getting battered- and he’s grumpy and easily annoyed by their adventures across his lawn. But he can still get any one of them to punch themselves out, and he and his squad are MUCH smarter and more strategic. Now it’s the rematch! And what happens is an all-timer.

It’s Kenta/Taue… and ONCE AGAIN, Taue swats Kawada off the apron in a cheapshot, this time with a slap! Kawada has to be calmed down by Kobashi (Misawa is blank-faced as ever), but Taue lariats him down and then knocks Kawada off the apron AGAIN. Kawada’s totally dead, having hit the railing, and soon Jumbo calls out Misawa! Misawa gets the best of an elbow battle by being faster, so Jumbo’s just “alright, then” and hits knees to the gut instead. Fuchi tries to follow his lead, but Misawa catches his knee and stretches him… but Taue nails him… and knocks Kawada off again! Oh you motherfucker. Jumbo’s clapping makes the spot. Misawa gets pummeled by Jumbo in the corner, but as soon as Jumbo picks up the pace Misawa nails him off the turnbuckles and Kobashi lights him up. Jumbo slows him by weighing him down and getting a dirty break on the ropes. Fuchi twists at Kobashi’s arm, then Taue takes over… and IN COMES KAWADA to murder his ass for all that apron bullshit! Eat those kicks, you pig! Taue decks him going back to the corner and now it’s just a full-blown fistfight while the referee desperately tries to restore order and everyone hits the ring to try and interfere! Kawada of course gets a MASSIVE reaction for this as he beats Taue into goo, even as his teammates are like “oh NOOOOOOO” and try to break it up.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time… a GOOD match! It’s part of my trilogy of All Japan Legendary Six-Mans, as Jumbo Tsuruta leads his two minions (young ex-sumo Akira Taue and lightweight dickhead Masa Fuchi) against AJPW’s young upstarts- Mitsuharu Misawa, Kenta Kobashi & Toshiaki Kawada! Come see Kobashi’s best “fiery young guy” selling, Kawada’s best “hot tag BeamSpam kicker” murder and Jumbo being the grumpiest old man in history, with magnificent spots throughout.

Then a match that could prove to be just as much a classic, as King Kong Bundy faces Duke “The Dumpster” Droese in the most “1994 WWF” match possible! And finally, the WWF debut of ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU, as he faces Barry Horowitz in a shockingly-decent amateur-style contest!

JUMBO TSURUTA, AKIRA TAUE & MASANOBU FUCHI vs. THE KIDS WHO WON’T GET THE FUCK OFF JUMBO’S LAWN (Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi):
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Oct. 19th 1990)
* OHHHHHHHHH yeah- time to hook up some of the famous All Japan 6-Mans! This is the first of a trio someone gave me. The deal here is Ace of All Japan, Jumbo Tsuruta, has turned into the very thing he used to fight in the 1970s- a grumpy, aging veteran, taking potshots at these young turks every chance he gets, showing desperation to keep his spot and title. Misawa of course leads these young punks in their adventures across Jumbo’s lawn, with his tag partner Kawada, and the exciteable even younger guy, Kobashi. Akira Taue is Jumbo’s resolute partner- a fellow giant at like 6’5″, acting like a Clone Buddy but a baby-faced 29-year old. Fuchi is a career partner of Jumbo’s as well- a top Junior star and looks much older than his 35 years, with “old guy hair” and an unimpressive physique. Misawa, Kawada & Kobashi are all in their iconic gear- Jumbo & Fuchi are in black trunks & Taue’s in red. Both team leaders seem super over, as Misawa stoically leads his team while Jumbo looks like someone just woke him up and is going to regret it.

The lesson here is: “Don’t put a foreign guy on excursion into a stupid jobber role, because if he turns out to be a future Ace, you’ll look like morons and people will snark on you forever”. I mean it’s not gonna come up that often, but it’s a lesson nonetheless.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have a weirdo “WTF?” Dream Match featuring the legendary Ace of New Japan, KAZUCHIKA OKADA… against Stevie Richards. Yeah, because both were in TNA at the same time, back when Okada was a midcard loser on excursion and Richards was an ex-WWE guy they loved to snap up. Then it’s a battle of European wrestlers famous for their girth, as Loch Ness (Giant Haystacks) takes on Alex Wright on WCW Nitro!

Next up, it’s the weird singles run of “Chaz” (Headbanger Mosh) as he faces Ken Shamrock on WWF New York! Then a massive criss-crossing of disparate lightweight stars as Jeff Hardy & X-Pac take on Rob Van Dam & Billy Kidman in the midst of the WCW/ECW InVasion! This one’s interesting because of how different an ebb each of the four were on their careers at this point, despite all having the same core concept of “High-Flying White Guy Getting Noticed”. Finally, I’ve found ANOTHER instance of an Indie Legend working as a WWF jobber, as Christopher Daniels is trotted out to face Droz of all people on New York as well!

OKADA vs. STEVIE RICHARDS:
(NWA TNA Xplosion, Nov. 16th 2010)
* Oh hey, Stevie Richards was in TNA! I wasn’t paying attention at all back then, but he’s brought it up on his YouTube channel! And more importantly, OKADA was in TNA, too! But of course the future top star of New Japan was then a random rookie on his American excursion, in a run famous for the would-be superstar being misused horribly. Checking it out, he was in the company a whole YEAR before making his second appearance on Impact (he’d only been on Xplosion, mostly jobbing, before that), in a move that is credited with ruining any potential relationship between New Japan (who wanted their boy given some experience and likely good opponents, not just getting squashed) and TNA. Stevie cuts a boring promo before the match, I think botching what he was gonna say, going “In a world of CAN… I CAN!”. Okada looks downright sleepy before the match. Richards is in white trunks and still has his physique, representing the ECW-loving group EV2, which is now just him & Tommy Dreamer. Okada’s super-baggy pants are a vision.

Ever see shitty wrestlers buried so hard you actually feel kinda sorry for them? The Public Enemy is one of those those situations.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have another dramatic example of someone being buried on TV, as the infamous WWF run of The Public Enemy continues with a 4-team match with the on-screen storyline being “LOL everyone in the locker room hates these guys and they’re just not fitting in”. Which would be fine if that wasn’t what was ACTUALLY happening, and it totally buries the team!

Then it’s a “dream match” between World Champions, but a couple years early, as Booker T defends the WCW TV Title against Yuji Nagata in 1998 when one was a rising star and the other was on his US excursion! And it’s on the C-show! Then we get an atrocious match representing the “well we need Al to do comedy stuff…” run of Al Snow as he takes on the Super Minis, four Luchadore dwarfs, on WWF Shotgun in 1999! Then it’s another great example of “Future Names as WWF Jobbers” as future ECW guys Steve Corino & Julio “Dinero” Sanchez team up as jobbers against the New Midnight Express (that’s right- a double whammy as I continue my “Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart” run!) in 1998! And finally, it’s Owen’s turn to beat up Dangerous Danny Davis, as the Blue Blazer takes on the former & future referee in the continued existence of Davis as the bottom-tier heel JTTS in 1989 WWF!

THE PUBLIC ENEMY (Flyboy Rocco & Johnny Grunge) vs. THE HARDY BOYZ (Matt & Jeff Hardy) vs. THE DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (Skull & 8-Ball) vs. TOO MUCH (Brian Christopher & Scott Taylor):
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, 04/03/1999)
* OOH, excellent! A throwaway Shotgun match but it’s a four corners tag match featuring wildly disparate acts with extremely varied careers! The Hardyz are about to take off and be a huge deal but are currently jobbers, the DOA flame out and end up having careers lasting ten years longer than they should for talentless Nazi fucks, Too Much are about to take off as “Too Cool” but not as much as the Hardyz, and TPE are about to flame out of wrestling as a whole. Their WWF career did NOT last long. Which means almost every match they fought was against guys they’d almost never meet again- Dream Matches personified! Except with shitty workers! Well, shittiER. They’re no Jim Powers, is what I’m saying. Oh man Matt & Jeff are actually in dweeby OMEGA tights with ultra-early ’90s spackle on them and shit. Too Much are in matching neon yellow tights (and hilariously dorky bike helmets, owing to an association with DOA). And you know TPE’s getting shit on because the COMMENTARY is digging on how much they’re hated, stating that “as soon as they bring their bags into the locker room, everybody leaves” but that publicly both them and the other wrestlers deny anything is going on “but it’s so evident- it’s so plain to see!”.

Some guys improved in look slightly as their careers went on.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a great assortment of complete crap for you today, folks! MonsoonClassics has uploaded a horde of random WWF & WCW matches, and it’s a real smorgasbord of “wait, that happened?” nonsense- the stuff Dream Matches are made of!

We start off with Essa Rios vs. SAMOA JOE, as Joe was in fact one of many indie darlings cast as jobbers on WWF weekend TV in the early 2000s along with Bryan Danielson & Low-Ki. Then it’s over to WCW as the Flock breakup continues with a workrate paradise of Van Hammer vs. Reese! Then we get more of the NEW MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, with Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart being made to fill Shotgun Saturday Night time with the Headbangers after the WWF had given up on both teams!

Then it’s a fascinating match as Dean Malenko takes on “Just Joe”, indie dweeb Joe E Legend with a “shit-disturber” gimmick- itself not interesting… what IS interesting is Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole doing the most vicious bury job I’ve ever heard on commentary. It seriously has to be heard to be believed- this goes way beyond even Monsoon & JR’s biggest digs and has to be based off of reality.

Finally, it’s late-stage WCW with CHRIS HARRIS turning up as a job guy, teaming up with Mike Rapada against the super-rookie squadron of Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire!

ESSA RIOS vs. SAMOA JOE:
(WWF Metal, March 3rd 2001)
* Oh man I love bullshit like this. Going-nowhere forgotten WWF acts taking on fuckin’ legends like Samoa Joe back when they were just starting out as jobbers. Joe hilariously has curly bleach-blond hair and is only a little doughy (but wearing the ECW t-shirt of shame), while Rios has given his last fuck and just has this “YUP- workin’ the D-shows…” look to him as he comes out post-turning on Lita and has nothing going on. Joe is billed at 280 lbs. but looks barely larger than Rios at all, and I think they’re the same height (their billed heights are four inches apart, of course). Rios is in black & blue tights while Joe looks like he’s just come from a Linkin Park concert.

CM Punk as an edgy indie guy with blond hair!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a pretty wacky assortment, starting with a 2005 OVW match from the “Heyman Era” with three wildly disparate careers all converging at the same point- future megastar CM Punk taking on wrestling washout Brent Albright and mid-tier dingus Ken Doane in a Three-Way Dance for the OVW TV Title!

Then it’s a very “1998 WWF” match as Darren Drozdov faces BOMBASTIC BOB on WWF Shotgun! Yes, Bob Holly when he was on the New Midnight Express for a couple months and was thus “safe” to job out to any new act. Then it’s over to 1989 WWF as Dangerous Danny Davis continues his JTTS ways against former ally Bret “Hitman” Hart! A WCW jobbery match as Scotty Riggs takes on Olympic bobsledder Chip Minton in a 1999 Worldwide episode! And finally, it’s a bizarre mish-mash in All Japan as Genichiro Tenryu, Earthquake & Nobukazu Hirai take on Mike Awesome, Johnnny Smith and WCW’s “The Wall”! A TRUE “Hit random on Fire Pro” dream match! Hell of a finish, too.

OVW TV TITLE:
THREE WAY DANCE:
CM PUNK vs. “THE SHOOTER” BRENT ALBRIGHT vs. KENN DOANE (w/ Kenny Bolin & Soseh):
(Ohio Valley Wrestling, 12/03/2005)
* Yes, I’m braving more Ohio Valley Wrestling (this time under the Paul Heyman regime). And look at the lineup! CM Punk, one of the biggest stars of the 21st century, back when he was a beloved indie guy for a few years and then jumped to WWE (uh, when did he first really start getting noticed?). Brent Albright could not possibly be trying more to be like Chris Benoit- he has a similar figure and nearly the exact same style of trunks & wrist-tape, and moves like he wants to be seen as Benoit-Lite. I’ve never heard of him till someone brought him up a couple months ago- I guess he was highly thought-of but flamed out super fast and just disappeared, making WWE TV only a couple of times? He was allegedly told to imitate Benoit by Paul Heyman. Doane  is a Killer Kowalski trainee who was just about to head to WWE as part of the Spirit Squad, then split off for a singles push… that went nowhere and he got fired.

Also featuring Chris Benoit vs. Ron Studd!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a unique one for you today- a full episode of WWF Superstars of Wrestling from Nov. 28th 1987! Mostly because I watched the first match following last weeks’ Brutus Beefcake vs. Danny Davis match and then found the six-man interesting, and just kept watching going “why not?” So come see the Dream Team EXPLODE as Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake takes on Greg “The Hammer” Valentine in a grudge match! Then it’s Koko B. Ware & The Young Stallions taking on the Jobber Dream Team of Terry Gibbs, Dale Wolfe & Barry Horowitz! And squash matches by Jake “The Snake” Roberts, “The Rock” Don Muraco, “The King” Harley Race, and the Hart Foundation! With Leapin’ Lanny Poffo as a jobber!

But I also start it off with a jobber match I’ve been meaning to get to: Chris Benoit vs. Ron Studd in WCW! Come see Ron Reis before his “push” as the Flock’s giant! And more of the Best of Dangerous Danny Davis, as he takes on his counterpart in the company, babyface JTTS Sam Houston, just starting out his run!

CHRIS BENOIT (w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth) vs. RON STUDD:
(WCW Monday Nitro, 12/8/1996)
* Oh yeah, it’s time for MORE RON STUDD. I apparently was on a big “Ron Studd” kick when I started this column judging from how often his matches appeared on the early ones. I always meant to review this one but never got around to it- it’s only notable because of the finish. Benoit, looking almost nervous as he walks around, is flanked by Woman & Liz, in outfits that very much do not suck, while Studd’s in the ring looking like a giant doofus with his long tights, short T-Rex arms and duck-butt. I do not remember this incarnation of Benoit’s theme (which is like his standard one but with no ’90s style *clap-clap*). Studd is MASSIVE, a legit seven-footer with Benoit coming up under his clavicle.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time around, I have one of the most bizarre, cartoonish matches you’re likely to see- Andre the Giant vs. Gorilla Monsoon in a BOXING MATCH in Puerto Rico from 1977! Come see how much of a cartoon villain ol’ Gorilla was, doing knee strikes and stuff, plus doing some incredible bumping for such a giant dude.

Then it’s over to 1993 WCW as a newbie Steve Regal takes on Barry Windham for the NWA World Title! Then 1998 WWF as the Headbangers face the thrown-together babyface team of Faarooq & (2 Cold) Scorpio! And I’ve decided to gaze into the abyss that is DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS matches, as I take a look at his run as a bottom-tier JTTS heel, starting today- his opponent is one Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake! And finally, Mike Tolbertmania continues as the WCW Power Plant graduate gets fed to Greg “The Hammer” Valentine of all people in early 1998. Yes, the Attitude Era is in full swing, and WCW is putting Valentine on TV.

BOXING MATCH:
ANDRE THE GIANT vs. GORILLA MONSOON (w/ Hugo Savinovich):
(WWF, Puerto Rico, 1977)
* hahah oh my god look at THIS. Monsoon, 40 years old and looking like your fat, bald uncle, is a heel and is facing Andre the Giant himself in a boxing match at a stadium show in Puerto Rico that has apparently never been shown in the U.S. until this ’80s showing. Lord Alfred points out that Monsoon is the only man to have wrestled Muhammad Ali and boxed Andre the Giant. There has just been a tropical rainstorm, soaking ringside, and you know a pro like GORILLA is gonna do something with that. Monsoon does some little Ali shuffles like a champ, too. Andre’s in red trunks, while Monsoon’s got a black shirt on (thank god) and red shorts.

The Warlord! One of the weird “goofy look; doesn’t get pushed” guys of the early ’90s. Come see part of why!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have some incredibly weird, disparate stuff from the depths of hell for you, starting off with a FAT MAN STAND-OFF of epic proportions, as someone actually allowed KAMALA vs. BASTIAN BOOGER to happen, giving the two guys five minutes on a syndicated show with Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon at their snarkiest, completely burying both guys!  Following that, it’s TUGBOAT vs. THE WARLORD, pitting two of the WWF’s two worst singles workers against each other at a time when neither one could afford to eat a loss!

Following that, it’s a No Ropes Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch from Japan, as Shinya Hashimoto and Kintaro “W*ING* Kanemura pay tribute to a deceased wrestler in the craziest way I’ve ever seen in wrestling! You have to see it to believe it!

Then it’s over to 2003-era NWA-TNA, as AJ Styles talks smack and has to deal with the Living Legend himself… Larry Zbyszko! How can an indie super-worker deal with such an aged opponent and still make it entertaining? Finally, it’s another “Mike Awesome in All Japan” match, as he faces John “Earthquake” Tenta himself!

KAMALA vs. BASTIAN BOOGER:
(WWF Mania, June 27th 1993)
* … there is no god. They stuck this on WWF Mania with Monsoon & Jim Ross on commentary (both are in a “man this is shit” burying mood, which as you’ll see will save the whole segment). Kamala’s in his babyface run, post being saved by Reverend Slick. Booger is actually NOTICEABLY larger, being super-rotund compared to his merely porcine opponent. Even so, this is my favorite kind of match and yours- a FAT MAN STAND-OFF!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a wild assortment of “WTF?” matches, including one inspired by a recent Twitter post. We start off with maybe the most disparate two men possible in the strangest match- the Ring of Honor World Title match between “The American Dragon” Bryan Danielson… and Kamala the Ugandan Giant! In 2006! Honest to God!

Then it’s a weirdo match from All Japan, as Mike Awesome continues his AJPW tour teaming up with The Amazing Red of all people (as the green-clad Spriggan) against Jimmy Yang & Elix Skipper! Then, a recent Twitter post about how Steve Boz ruined his chances to ever become a recurring WWF jobber inspired me checking out him & Race Steele vs. Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn in a pretty good WWF Metal squash that was poor Boz’s only chance! Then it’s over to the UWF in 1987 as Sting & “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert team up against The Fantastics!

RING OF HONOR WORLD TITLE:
SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE PRINCE NANA:
“THE AMERICAN DRAGON” BRYAN DANIELSON vs. KAMALA THE UGANDAN GIANT (w/ Kim Chee):
(Liberty States Wrestling, Sept. 30th 2006)
* Hahah, jesus. BRYAN DANIELSON, legendary super-worker and technical wrestling god… and he’s up against a past his prime 1980s star KAMALA of all people. U.S. indies, everyone! Danielson is the ROH Champion and I guess got to defend the title in other companies. At least they stack the deck against him by letting Prince Nana, a friend of Kamala’s, act as the referee. Danielson’s in purple trunks, while Kamala’s in the usual loincloth, looking saggier than usual, but still a full head taller than Bryan. They’re in front of all of 50 people with a theatre stage behind them- oh, indies. Kamala is 56 years old here, so don’t expect a workrate paradise. As opposed to like… every other Kamala match, I guess.