The Hardy Boyz vs. Public Enemy vs. Too Much vs. DOA (and other Dream Matches!)

Ever see shitty wrestlers buried so hard you actually feel kinda sorry for them? The Public Enemy is one of those those situations.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have another dramatic example of someone being buried on TV, as the infamous WWF run of The Public Enemy continues with a 4-team match with the on-screen storyline being “LOL everyone in the locker room hates these guys and they’re just not fitting in”. Which would be fine if that wasn’t what was ACTUALLY happening, and it totally buries the team!

Then it’s a “dream match” between World Champions, but a couple years early, as Booker T defends the WCW TV Title against Yuji Nagata in 1998 when one was a rising star and the other was on his US excursion! And it’s on the C-show! Then we get an atrocious match representing the “well we need Al to do comedy stuff…” run of Al Snow as he takes on the Super Minis, four Luchadore dwarfs, on WWF Shotgun in 1999! Then it’s another great example of “Future Names as WWF Jobbers” as future ECW guys Steve Corino & Julio “Dinero” Sanchez team up as jobbers against the New Midnight Express (that’s right- a double whammy as I continue my “Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart” run!) in 1998! And finally, it’s Owen’s turn to beat up Dangerous Danny Davis, as the Blue Blazer takes on the former & future referee in the continued existence of Davis as the bottom-tier heel JTTS in 1989 WWF!

THE PUBLIC ENEMY (Flyboy Rocco & Johnny Grunge) vs. THE HARDY BOYZ (Matt & Jeff Hardy) vs. THE DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (Skull & 8-Ball) vs. TOO MUCH (Brian Christopher & Scott Taylor):
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, 04/03/1999)
* OOH, excellent! A throwaway Shotgun match but it’s a four corners tag match featuring wildly disparate acts with extremely varied careers! The Hardyz are about to take off and be a huge deal but are currently jobbers, the DOA flame out and end up having careers lasting ten years longer than they should for talentless Nazi fucks, Too Much are about to take off as “Too Cool” but not as much as the Hardyz, and TPE are about to flame out of wrestling as a whole. Their WWF career did NOT last long. Which means almost every match they fought was against guys they’d almost never meet again- Dream Matches personified! Except with shitty workers! Well, shittiER. They’re no Jim Powers, is what I’m saying. Oh man Matt & Jeff are actually in dweeby OMEGA tights with ultra-early ’90s spackle on them and shit. Too Much are in matching neon yellow tights (and hilariously dorky bike helmets, owing to an association with DOA). And you know TPE’s getting shit on because the COMMENTARY is digging on how much they’re hated, stating that “as soon as they bring their bags into the locker room, everybody leaves” but that publicly both them and the other wrestlers deny anything is going on “but it’s so evident- it’s so plain to see!”.

Matt starts with Taylor, hitting a neckbreaker after an International, and pointedly refusing to tag TPE in favor of his brother, who hits a somersault senton off the top (not quite the full Swanton)! But he delays the cover and even then the dumbass Harris is late on the break up so Jeff has to arbitrarily get off. Jeff goes for a suplex by Christopher runs in and Jeff arbitrarily lets go and turns around into a sit-out powerbomb. Jeff manages to tag 8-Ball while Too Much hug in the corner (this is around when they start a “gay gimmick” that was a proto-Chuck & Billy thing), and Brian begs off from 8-Ball so he can sneak in a tag- Taylor hits a flying crossbody for two, then Brian leaps on for two (why is the ref counting that? He’s not legal!). Taylor dropkicks 8-Ball into Brian’s lift but the big guy just falls on him for two, and Too Much hug DOA’s legs like a couple of weenies before Brian tags out to Matt- he runs into a side slam and takes a belly-to-belly from 8-Ball. Skull hits a big boot and Too Much do the Hart Attack and dance around, drawing the match’s first crowd reaction, then refuse to tag TPE again. Matt overshoots a sunset flip but Taylor saves the spot by “stumbling back”, then clotheslining him. Too Much put him up top, and he comes off with a double-bulldog (though they clearly yank him up and out so it looks weird). Matt’s still selling, so he stumbles into Rocco, and Grunge comes in to face Too Much as well… and then OH MY GOD EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON IN THE MATCH CHARGES IN and Public Enemy get pinned under a massive pile of bodies to illustrate how much everyone else hates them (6:19). Holy shit they were buried… and not just metaphorically this time!

Okay this was absolutely brutal in terms of just making sure Public Enemy gets completely buried- the whole angle is that “everyone hates them and they don’t fit in!” which is one thing, except it was true in real life and TPE was also quickly fired, making this some toxic-ass workplace bullying to make it the whole frickin’ story. It’s a good thing this was 1999 and we all thought destroying people emotionally and humiliating them was totally cool! As a match it was just filler- the guys were probably actually told to slow it down a tad so the commentators could tell us the “stories of the day” (they recap WrestleMania almost in its entirety, talk about who the champions are, talk about “The Big Show” Paul Wight aligning himself with Austin, etc.). It’s funny watching Matt just be the dork in peril the entire thing, as Jeff literally only does his one spot then takes another move and leaves, DOA do the “slow filler”, then Too Much are called on to do the bulk of the match against Matt. But woof, that ending- it’s an “angle” yet it’s pretty much true and somehow six dudes can pile up on two and that’s an okay pin now (hey, maybe the angle is that Teddy Long and the other refs ALSO hate them).

Rating: ** (perfectly generic nothing TV match- nothing too horrendous but nothing exciting either)

Yuji Nagata got a bit of respect online in the small “New Japan Fandom”, but is largely known to Western audiences for his run as a WCW midcarder.

WCW TV TITLE:
BOOKER T vs. YUJI NAGATA (w/ Sonny Onoo):
(WCW Saturday Night, March 28th 1998)
* It’s the future WCW Ace vs. his contemporary New Japan Ace, Yuji Nagata! Nagata’s on his WCW excursion, and had a measure of success on the undercard, while Booker is my favorite type of wrestling character: The Young Upstart With A Fire Under Their Ass. Booker T, Sakie Hasegawa (in All Japan Women’s Pro Wreslting), Yumi Fukawa (in ARSION), etc… there’s something about that energy of “No, fuck YOU- I demand you treat me as an equal!” and a desire to be huge. Booker, in purple, has just defended against no less than Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero that very week. Nagata, in black & white, is actually a threat to the belt, but probably not on the C-show. And the crowd is ROWDY for Booker- you don’t often see Saturday Night crowds this happy to see a dude.

Booker shoves Nagata to start, but gets distracted yelling at Onoo and clobbered, only to hit his “block a hiptoss with a clothesline” spot. Backdrop! Forearm! Clothesline to floor! Booker follows him out, but Onoo grabs his leg to set off a chase, and Nagata lies in wait with a clothesline- good heelin’. Yuji beats on him a bit, but Booker fights up from the clothesline only to get caught in an exploder suplex. Booker fights up from an armbar but again his whip reversals bite him in the ass with an overhead suplex, as a belly-to-belly flips him over. That & a kick get two, and Nagata works him over with arm & face stuff until Booker reverses a whip and hits his facebuster- Spinaroonie into the Harlem Side Kick, then the ax kick, spinebuster and Heat Seeker (missile dropkick) for the pin at (5:34).

Exciting TV Filler 101: Booker starts hot, takes a ton of moves (getting two micro-comebacks to look like he’s fighting), then gets a final comeback and spams the shit out of all his specials to win. Booker was amazing to watch at this point, though it’s funny how his flurries are just all this video game offense one move after the other and his opponent’s gotta fill in the rest. But Nagata was good to go, varying it up a little bit and throwing some good suplexes.

Rating: **1/2 (good little TV match- simple but looks great because Booker’s offense was so cool and Nagata threw some good stuff as well)

Hey I didn’t know Adam Cole wrestled Al Snow!

WWF HARDCORE TITLE:
AL SNOW vs. THE SUPER MINIS (Max Mini, Mini Nova, Battalion & El Torito):
(WWF Sunday Night Heat, July 11th 1999)
* One of my enduring Al Snow memories is this one- I was trying to watch all the WWF I could, and naturally Al doing his “crazy guy” gimmick (man, I actually forgot just how insane he tried to be) leads to bizarre things like this. He finds out he doesn’t have a match tonight, and so lays out a challenge to… four dwarfs. Yes, the Mexican “Minis” (who were periodically on TV as a gag). Oddly Mini Nova & Max Mini are maskless now. Max & Nova are TEENY, Max being unable to even get up onto the apron, and both are in white & blue (Nova’s is lighter). Battalion is wearing a heelish mask and fatigue-covered military gear, and Torito’s a very “tall”, broad mini with red tights and a mask. Al asks them “Yo Quiero Hardcore?” to establish just what date it is and immediately grabs a cookie sheet and tries to smash them like rats in a kitchen.

Al tries to stamp out the Minis and they flee, then he gets a broomstick and makes like Donatello twirling it around, but Torito sprays him with a fire extinguisher. Batallion & Max yank the stick into Al’s balls and break it over his back in the weakest way possible (Max loses his grip first and then it breaks with almost zero pressure applied). Then each Mini takes turns splashing Al for two, Torito hitting a senton that actually gets a reaction, but then Al dodges a cookie sheet and Battalion eats it. The minis argue among themselves as Battalion drills Nova, and Al sprays the whole group with the extinguisher and chases them around the ring until Mini Nova leaps off a tiny ladder with a cross-body. Battalion & Torito add their own, and then Max comes off the top with a corkscrew dive! Al threatens to bash him into the stairs for that, but in comes the spot I remember- each mini charges in with salad tongs, getting all by the ass, nipples and eventually his BALLS, giving us a cartoonishly high-pitched scream from Al, god bless him. He chases the minis around, still selling his ass and balls, and eventually they just head up the ramp and there’s no finish (3:12). They booked a Fuck Finish with the MINIS!?

A complete comedy match that didn’t even really amuse the fans- the only stuff getting any reaction were cookie sheet shots and Max’s dive off the top. This makes Al look like a total loser, but bless him for actually selling the testicle-themed offense.

Rating: 1/4* (just for some decent Mini splashes and Al selling his balls during his run)

Steve Corino was doomed to be an obscure guy despite the push Heyman gave him in the dying era of ECW. Apparently he was more of a Sean Waltman Cosplayer in his early career!

THE NEW MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart) vs. STEVE CORINO & JULIO SANCHEZ:
(WWF Shotgun, May 16th 1998)
* Oh man, MORE NME action, and it’s them taking on Steve Corino of all people as a jobber, along with Sanchez (Julio Fantastico). Corino looks like a 1-2-3 Kid cosplayer here, sporting the same mullet and style of tights, though they end in shorts and don’t have kickpads. He’s got his own name on his gear like a total dweeb while Sanchez has a shitty beard and black & grey tights. The Midnights have matching blue tights with yellow lightning bolts on them.

Julio starts off with Bob and does a bad “indie kip-up” sequence, bringing in Corino for stereo hurricanranas and dropkicks! To crickets! Because they’re both jobbers! Bart goes with Corino and runs into the post, but quickly overpowers him- back from break with Bob in there, double-teaming Corino behind the ref’s back while Sanchez gets in a tizzy. Lol they’re running the generic tag formula with jobbers. Bart takes his time with Corino, but takes too long getting a powerbomb off and Corino lands on his feet and DDTs him so Sanchez can get the HOT TAG (sure guys), knocking both guys around. But Bart gets a blind tag and Bob clotheslines Sanchez ONTO Bart (haha that was supposed to be a “high and low” with a trip but he just fell on Bart instead). So the Midnights hit a finisher with Bob lifting Sanchez onto Bart for a Second-Rope Spinebuster but then the Headbangers run in to pay back the cheating loss from last week (reviewed a week ago). So it’s a DISQUALIFICATION at (4:16) as the Midnights can’t even get a real win over jobbers. And Corino would go on to have a long and mediocre career as a **1/2 worker acting like he was the defender of the old-school NWA style when he peaked as “the guy who hadn’t quit Heyman yet cuz even WCW didn’t want him”.

This seemed like it was gonna be a squash and instead it just became “Generic Tag Formula” but against guys who stood no chance, with the Midnights doing a bit too much selling and generously going up for ranas and stuff. Sanchez even gets a hot tag of all things and bounces around the heels. And then it’s a fuck finish!

Rating: * (a pretty forgettable short mini-match with weak jobber “flippy” offense)

THE BLUE BLAZER vs. DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS:
(WWF Wrestling Challenge, April 16th 1989)
* Davis, now well past the point where he was of any use, is still kicking around as a JTTS, and now he’s up against Owen Hart in his first WWF gimmick. Davis is now “in the ring to my left” and with no manager- essentially, he’s a full jobber. And his shirt is WAY TOO TIGHT for a man with his kind of belly. Just saying.

Davis starts hot, but soon takes the mandatory jobber offense and is doing a simply TERRIBLE job of bumping, actually thumping down off of a hiptoss instead of going up for it. The Blazer counters a wristlock with a headscissors in a bit of flash for a 1989 match, but Davis grabs the ropes to avoid a dropkick, but only gets a single stomp in before the Blazer reverses a whip and gets his belly-to-belly suplex, again looking bad because Davis doesn’t really go up for it. Blazer gets a standing dropkick (which Heenan claims he invented) then finishes with the Universal Sign of the Dorky Babyface, the flying cross-body, at (1:49). Not a great showcase of Owen’s offense, given how Davis isn’t really going up for anything or bumping right. At least it was quick and one-sided.

Rating: 1/4* (basic jobber squash, but the jobber kind of sucks)