Kazuchika Okada vs. Stevie Richards (and other Dream Matches!)

The lesson here is: “Don’t put a foreign guy on excursion into a stupid jobber role, because if he turns out to be a future Ace, you’ll look like morons and people will snark on you forever”. I mean it’s not gonna come up that often, but it’s a lesson nonetheless.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have a weirdo “WTF?” Dream Match featuring the legendary Ace of New Japan, KAZUCHIKA OKADA… against Stevie Richards. Yeah, because both were in TNA at the same time, back when Okada was a midcard loser on excursion and Richards was an ex-WWE guy they loved to snap up. Then it’s a battle of European wrestlers famous for their girth, as Loch Ness (Giant Haystacks) takes on Alex Wright on WCW Nitro!

Next up, it’s the weird singles run of “Chaz” (Headbanger Mosh) as he faces Ken Shamrock on WWF New York! Then a massive criss-crossing of disparate lightweight stars as Jeff Hardy & X-Pac take on Rob Van Dam & Billy Kidman in the midst of the WCW/ECW InVasion! This one’s interesting because of how different an ebb each of the four were on their careers at this point, despite all having the same core concept of “High-Flying White Guy Getting Noticed”. Finally, I’ve found ANOTHER instance of an Indie Legend working as a WWF jobber, as Christopher Daniels is trotted out to face Droz of all people on New York as well!

OKADA vs. STEVIE RICHARDS:
(NWA TNA Xplosion, Nov. 16th 2010)
* Oh hey, Stevie Richards was in TNA! I wasn’t paying attention at all back then, but he’s brought it up on his YouTube channel! And more importantly, OKADA was in TNA, too! But of course the future top star of New Japan was then a random rookie on his American excursion, in a run famous for the would-be superstar being misused horribly. Checking it out, he was in the company a whole YEAR before making his second appearance on Impact (he’d only been on Xplosion, mostly jobbing, before that), in a move that is credited with ruining any potential relationship between New Japan (who wanted their boy given some experience and likely good opponents, not just getting squashed) and TNA. Stevie cuts a boring promo before the match, I think botching what he was gonna say, going “In a world of CAN… I CAN!”. Okada looks downright sleepy before the match. Richards is in white trunks and still has his physique, representing the ECW-loving group EV2, which is now just him & Tommy Dreamer. Okada’s super-baggy pants are a vision.

Okada hits a shoulderblock but is quickly armdragged down- Stevie does some throat-thrusts but goes into the corner and gets neckbreakered. Okada gets a nervehold, cuts off a comeback and gets a sleeper as this crowd is thankfully very forgiving of the, shall we say, methodical pace of this one. Stevie makes the comeback exactly 60 seconds after it’s locked on, but Okada backdrops him out of his own sleeper and then just… stands there amused. Oh this is a B-show alright. Okada throws chops but goes into the corner like Stevie did earlier, and throws stomp-punches and clotheslines for some WWE Bump & Feed- a side slam gets two, but Okada counters a piledriver to his Air Raid Crash over the knee, hurting Stevie’s surgically-repaired neck. Okada prepares to pounce, but Stevie counters a full nelson to the Stevie Kick (superkick), countered to the full nelson, countered to an armdrag and then Stevie lands the Stevie Kick for the pin at (7:26). lol, suck it, Rainmaker!

Oh man, this was so weak. Just a “D-Show Special” with guys laying about in restholds, doing a lot of standing and posing, etc. Stevie was now riveted into that “WWE Style” and you could tell, with Okada having to play along. A bit of ugliness here and there but nothing major- it was just kinda long and dull, with nobody wanting to try that hard on what was a pretty long match on an unimportant show.

Rating: *1/2 (a lazy and slowwwwwwwwwww TV match)

Two British mega-stars nobody in North America has ever heard of!

ALEX WRIGHT vs. LOCH NESS (w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WCW Monday Nitro, Feb. 19th 1996)
* Oh, TREMENDOUS. I’ve seen very little of Loch Ness, but he’s 600-lb. obesitron Englishman Giant Haystacks (no relation to Haystacks Calhoun, though he’s likely ripping off the name), here in the Battle of Europe against Alex Wright. Wright’s in red trunks and the 500 lb. Loch Ness is dressed in his street clothes- like this huge baggy blue jumpsuit thing. Both men are of course famous for packing girth.

We do the natural “stuff doesn’t work against a fat guy” spots with Wright trying a top wristlock and go-behind against his monstrous opponent to no effect, but manages to climb over him in the corner and put on a sleeper. Ness shows his grotesque peg teeth and one-arms Wright off him, then catches him charging in with a bearhug- Alex claps out and fires off a ton of shots against his already-exhausted opponent, but runs into an outstretched foot and goes down, and an absolutely MASSIVE “Dying Whale” elbowdrop finishes him at (2:22). Shocking to see Wright, who nearly always got booked strong at this point, get squashed so easily- Ness just weathering the storm and killing him as soon as he was down. Good way to put over your new powerhouse, not that WCW actually did much with him.

Pretty much Wrestling 101- have the hot young upstart fire off a ton of shots, have the big guy weather them all and pick his spots, and every time he gets a shot it’s treated as a huge deal and sold big. Wright goes down to that boot (wimpy as it was- Loch Ness has SHORT lil’ legs for his size and it was a weak shot) and then gets murdered by the big tit-drop, as Loch Ness is basically all torso and dumps it all onto him.

Rating: * (sort of a “competitive squash” where Wright gets all the offense but still can’t get anywhere big and gets crushed in just a couple of moves)

I’m ashamed it took me so long to get to a Chaz match on here.

KEN SHAMROCK vs. CHAZ (w/ Marianna):
(WWF New York, Aug. 14th 1999)
* Oh man, DELIGHTFUL. That weird point where Chaz rejects “Beaver Cleavage” and is wrestling under his real first name with Marianna Komlos as his valet. This turned into a weird “she faked that he was beating her” angle and ended up with him reforming the Headbangers of all things, before ending his WWF career in Lo Down or whatever. His music sounds like a zippier part of the first chords of Beck’s “Loser”. People might forget this run with Chaz in his boxer shorts (literally the smiley-face boxers you saw a lot of back then, but white with the face as a logo). Shamrock, in blue, is a babyface still a member of The Union I think, not long before he left the WWF for good. You can tell he’s going back to MMA because he looks like he’s trying to pass a piss-test- way leaner that his bulky WWF self. Speaking of steroids, holy crap I don’t remember Marianna being that ripped.

Chaz gets caught in a front facelock to start, but turns it to a schoolboy and acts very “Brian Christopher” with his mannerisms, which isn’t a great sign (also I forgot he was a heel). Ken just runs up and punches him in the face, lol- Chaz gets beaten down for a while and eats knees. You can tell Russo is writing because as of this match Steve Austin vs. Chyna is penciled in as the main event of SummerSlam. Shamrock goes to an armhold and Chaz face-plants, which looks PAINFUL, and fires off a hurricanrana before Steve Blackman comes out to taunt Shamrock in anticipation of their Lion’s Den Match at SS. This distracts him so Chaz gets his licks in, then kicks Ken in the balls and smashes him into the stairs. Back in the ring, Chaz does a mosh-pit body attack in the corner but Shamrock gets a sunset flip into the leg-twist for an instant tap-out at (3:30). Pretty simple win for Shamrock.

Pretty basic Attitude Era match- lotsa punches, the Entranceway Distraction, the cheating/distraction stuff, then the easy reversal to the finish. Chaz appears like a pretty bargain-basement heel (you know it’s bad when “obnoxious laugh” is their one go-to) and Marianna didn’t last long enough in the wrestling business to get good at being a valet.

Rating: * (your standard-issue “nothing AE match”)

JEFF HARDY & X-PAC vs. ROB VAN DAM & BILLY KIDMAN:
(WWF SmackDown, July 19th 2001)
* Okay, now this is a pretty interesting one given how their careers all panned out. X-Pac was the hot flippy indie guy of the early ’90s and helped introduce that style to the WWF, but was past his prime and now so disliked that they still use his name to describe “The wrong kind of heat” to this day. RVD was the “New Sean Waltman” along that front in the late ’90s and seen as this wildly exciting wrestler. Kidman was WCW’s attempt at a homegrown Cruiserweight star, and damn near worked. Jeff, meanwhile, was the hot new stuntman worker of THIS era, meaning we’ve got four dudes with the same general motif, but at wildly different points of their careers. Jeff’s got a see-through shirt and black baggy jeans, X-Pac’s in all black with an “X-Factor” theme and given MASSIVE boos, Kidman’s in his WCW wifebeater & jorts, and RVD’s in a black singlet with a dragon on it. Jeff is the Hardcore Champion, X-Pac the WWF Light Heavyweight Champion & Kidman the WCW Cruiserweight Champion.

They start fast right away, Jeff evading Kidman so he crashes and burns twice, but Kidman catches Jeff with his lifting kneeling powerbomb thingie and does the slingshot-Jeff-onto-Kidman’s knees move while RVD hits a guillotine legdrop. RVD adds his shoulderblocks while the crowd chants his name (and he’d gotten heel heat coming down), but his corner monkey flip is countered with a super rana for two. X-Pac in with TREMENDOUS boos and his spinkick gets two, then they do a chinlock to a weird knockdown (looks like a mistake) and RVD manages his own spinkick and monkey flip, and Rolling Thunder gets two. haha there’s some girl on the hard cam who is like AMAZED by everything being done here.

Kidman leaps up for a rana but gets sit-out powerbombed, and in comes Jeff on the hot tag, taking out both guys- he dodges Kidman’s dropkick and hits the double-leg to the nads (actually a clever way to get that regular Jeff spot into a hot tag), then his jawjacker to RVD, then they do the Hardyz “Poetry in Motion” to Kidman, following with the same move but with X-Pac’s Bronco Buster! But the X-Factor hits and he’s not the legal man, and the delay makes Jeff’s Swanton Bomb miss! RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash- X-Pac saves, so RVD comes in, but he actually does a split-leg to counter the X-Factor, punching X-Pac so he turns around into the Kid Krusher (reverse pedigree)… for the pin (5:27)! But you JUST ESTABLISHED THAT X-PAC WASN’T THE LEGAL MAN!

Actually a good little TV match- very quick but they all got their shit in, including a few clever bits (like the Poetry in Motion Bronco Buster). Fast-paced and had most of their big moves, and even the mistakes were super-quickly fixed by just charging in and doing something else instead of doing the “oh wait”. Though that finish was totally illegal- the ref should be admonished.

Rating: **1/2 (perfectly good TV match stuff here- the Cruisers were typically always good for stuff like this)

When you’re a super-amazing worker and a great hand but you have a giant head so you look stupid and Vince won’t use you.

DROZ vs. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS:
(WWF New York, March 2nd 1999)
* More classic “WWF Filler”, as Droz is sent out to squash future legend CHRISTOPHER DANIELS. Daniels was actually a six-year veteran by this point, but was still on the “indie skinny guy/TV jobber” thing, having been given a developmental contract in 1998 that never went anywhere, then a WCW gig never went anywhere, then he FINALLY got something in TNA in 2002. He was the wrong size of dude for the era. Here, he’s a skinny, big-headed dude with a full head of hair, a lame “1999 chin goatee” and a black singlet. Droz, going by only that name now, now has HUGELY baggy shorts nearly reaching his boots. More horrifyingly, this match’s commentators are Michael Cole and VINCE RUSSO. I had no idea he did commentary on the D-shows.

Guys, this is gonna shock you, but Vince Russo is highly annoying to listen to. He’s all like “LISSEN HEE-YUH Go cry on yuh own nickel somewhere else, do me a fayvuh” and “Less jus’ do dis ting and get it ovuh wit” and being as loud as possible, drowning out Cole’s commentary while dissing on him. Droz immediately pounces on Daniels, beating on him, hitting a back elbow & vertical suplex, but does a three-point stance and goes flying into the corner. But he catches Daniels in a Stinger Splash and hits a rib-breaker for two, chokes away, and dumps him. I guess Droz is the heel now? He’s not really DOING anything regarding the mannerisms, but now he’s being a dick. All he does is a single shot to the back on the floor before he tosses Daniels in (the fans are getting impatient with this, chanting “Boring!”), gets caught when Daniels lands on his feet from a backdrop, but easily counters and hits the Sit-Out Powerbomb for three at (3:11). Steve Blackman immediately charges in because I guess they’re feuding, hilariously splattering Daniels with his running kick before going after Droz.

Rating: 1/4* (absolutely dreadful by squash standards- it’s just Droz stuffing the jobber, not letting him do anything, spamming out punches and clubbing blows because he doesn’t have anything else, and doesn’t think to just do lots of Irish whips to keep it moving)