Jumbo Tsuruta, Akira Taue & Masa Fuchi vs. Misawa, Kawada & Kobashi (Part Three- and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have the last match in the great AJPW trilogy from 1990-92, as Jumbo Tsuruta leads aging shitbird Masanobu Fuchi & young upstart Akira Taue against Mitsuharu Misawa & the next generation of superstars- Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi! This one pays off all the dramatic struggles in past matches and settles their score for good, I think!

But that’s not all! I have wonders comparable to that, as I’ve found TWO Alex “The Pug” Porteau vs. Faarooq Asad matches from WWF TV in 1996 for your approval! Plus the most “1999 WWF” match possible as “The Lethal Weapon” Steve Blackman takes on a post-Meat Shawn Stasiak!

JUMBO TSURUTA, AKIRA TAUE & MASANOBU FUCHI vs. THE KIDS WHO WON’T GET THE FUCK OFF JUMBO’S LAWN (Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi):
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, May 5th 1992)
* It’s the last in the trilogy! Jumbo is the aging veteran, desperate to maintain his spot and get these kids off his lawn. Taue has turned on his generation of stars to join Jumbo’s group, acting as a Mini-Me “Clone Buddy”. Fuchi is the worst person in the entire world, and a cowardly shitass who only does anything against vulnerable opponents. Misawa is the stoic Perfect Japanese Man, unflappable and the leader. Kawada is a brutish, nasty hellraiser but currently Misawa’s friend- easily provoked but deadly when they do it. Kobashi is their young, pretty, dumb ally, easily vulnerable to the other side but with more fighting spirit than brains. This match is in Sapporo, unlike the other two, which were Korakuen shows in Tokyo meant to juice the big Sumo Hall events. The sides are tied at 1-1, with vulnerable Kobashi being beaten in the first, and young (30-ish) Taue isolated in the second after Kawada successfully provoked Jumbo and delayed Taue’s protectors, netting the win. Each side’s top wrestler scored the final pin. But now it’s two years after their first one, and Jumbo’s noticeably older and the younger guys much more elevated and credible.

We’re JIP (we miss only 2 minutes) with Kobashi turning around Fuchi’s suplex and hitting a facecrusher off the apron. Fuchi writhes on the ground in pain (GOOD) and Kobashi prepares to bring him in the hard way, but HERE’S TAUE to tremendous boos, only for Kenta to turn around and slap him around, and then he’s like “Come get some too!” and fires shots at Jumbo, then Kawada knocks him to the floor, and it’s TRIPLE PESCADOS from the new generation! Kobashi rolling cradles Fuchi for two while Taue sells his knee on the floor, and Misawa throws some basics, and when he gets up next to Jumbo, the old man takes a swing but Misawa knocks him to the floor! Oh god that would NEVER have happened before 1992. Ultimately, Fuchi has to hold Misawa against the corner (DICK) for Jumbo to get his licks in. But Misawa fires back and Jumbo is clearly trying his hardest just to hold the youngster down while Misawa’s as stoic as ever! Fuchi grabs Misawa in the corner to allow Jumbo a backdrop suplex (fuck you, Fuchi), and then rolls up the mats on the floor so Taue can hit his Chokeslam on the exposed concrete! Jumbo gets some counts off that and then all three guys just hang Misawa in the corner to tremendous boos.

DICKS.

Taue continues to work the throat, still limping around, and Fuchi cranks on it, softening him up for the Jumbo Lariat for two. There’s a desperation to Jumbo now, as when Misawa fires back on him with an elbow, he has no more “I’m just gonna wait you out” to him (where he weathers the storm and fires back) and instead he throws knees and a sleeper to bring him down. Taue hits only a single move before limping out again, and Fuchi just stands on Misawa’s throat in the corner, then puts on a headscissors around the ropes, and gets JUMBO to help him put one on over the top rope while Jumbo traps the legs.

Jumbo again has to resort to knees and a whip after Misawa elbows him, and counters a sunset flip with a big right hand- Taue throws overhand shots and a piledriver, but Misawa takes out his knee and Kawada CHEATS to haul them over to the corner for a tag (attaboy). Kawada comes in! Kicks to the knee, a lariat for two, and a kneecrusher on a table outside! Fuchi stomps on Kobashi’s head when he works Taue’s leg, so Kenta just clobbers him from behind! Great “owwwww my baaaaaaaack” writhe from Fuchi, too. And in comes Kawada to hang Taue in the tree of woe, then stands on his face while making sure to look directly at Jumbo’s side! Kobashi dropkicks the knee from there, and then Fuchi comes in and HE gets the same! I love “babyface troll Kawada”. And MISAWA throws stomps to him, too! Kawada throws on a bow & arrow of all things (which looks weird on the 6’5″ Taue), but in a fantastic “Jumbo” moment, he comes in, bootrakes Kawada, then does his “HOHHHH!” taunt to the fans like he did something great, haha.

All Japan has such deep psychology that even flipping someone off is a callback to a prior match.

Misawa, mostly recovered (but making sure to sell his neck and shoulder a lot), comes back in and beats down Taue, but Jumbo takes the ref so Fuchi can gouge Kobashi’s eyes in a leglock. Kawada can’t get a scorpion deathlock so Misawa just slingshots onto Taue so he can complete the move, and Fuchi comes in and Kawada releases and FLIPS HIM THE BIRD, just like last match! Hahah didn’t even let him get the victory of breaking up the move! Fast tags keep the pressure on Taue’s knee, but he gets sick of young punk Kobashi’s attitude and slaps him, goozles him into the corner, then just throws down Kawada and absolutely PIMP SLAPS Kenta off the apron! Yeah, Taue! You don’t let those fucks bully you! Kawada brings him down again, but IN COMES JUMBO and he nails Kawada, rolls up the mats, and piledrives him on the exposed floor! And that vulture motherfucker Fuchi now hangs KAWADA in the tree of woe to pay him back, and Jumbo twists the hell out of an abdominal stretch, of course helped by Fuchi coming in and pulling the arm back. Fuck you, Fuchi. Then it’s a three-man hanging because Kawada must pay for his temerity, and they work his neck until he spins around and sleepers Jumbo!

Taue comes in to save his boss, then Fuchi throws some enzuigiris, and makes the mistake of taunting Kawada with boot-shoves, Kawada getting more and more enraged until he fights up through some shots and drills Fuchi down. But Jumbo comes in to stomp on a downed Kawada, leading to Misawa nailing both him & Fuchi, and Kawada throws kicks to sweep Taue down- hot tag Kobashi, who hits the REPEATER CHOPS in the corner. Corner lariat– but Taue resists the DDT and weathers the chops to hit a Chokeslam. An exhausted Fuchi hits a backdrop suplex but Jumbo has to save him from a rolling cradle. Kenta Bridging German- two! He goes for the Moonsault to finish, but Jumbo grabs him, causing Misawa to nail both elders and Kobashi settles for a turning crossbody for two. Flying Elbow from Misawa and he clubs Jumbo ahead of time to be safe, but Taue nails him when he grabs a facelock… causing Misawa to elbow him to death and stretch out Fuchi. Fuchi at least manages to push him back out of a Tiger Driver attempt and in comes Jumbo- Jumping Knee! He goes for another knee to the gut (a reliable Misawa-slayer from old times) but Misawa rolls through and elbows him down! But he attempts a running one and gets facecrushered- Kobashi saves Misawa from a backdrop suplex, but Jumbo boots him coming in and completes the move for a dramatic two-count!

Gaze upon the face of terror.

Misawa counters another backdrop and tags out- Kawada fires away with shots on Jumbo but eats that gut-knee… but pops up and beats the shit out of him! Running elbow! He ducks a big boot but runs into a boot and another knee drops him- Taue hits a DDT for two, but Kobashi stops a Samoan drop… but he avoids a piledriver and lands his Chokeslam- two! Folding Powerbomb- two! Big Chokeslam- Kobashi saves! Taue presses his luck instead of tagging, and the veterans haul the interfering kids to the floor for a fight, leaving him alone- he hits SUMO STANCE again, but charges right into a leaping kick! STRETCH PLUM! Kawada’s submission finisher! Taue writhes in agony and might just give up, but Fuchi finally kicks away from Misawa to break the hold- Folding Powerbomb from Kawada- TWOOOOOO! The veterans intercede, but in come Misawa & Kobashi and it’s TRIPLE SUBMISSIONS- Fuchi & Jumbo are helpless as Kawada gets a murderous look on his face and cranks that Stretch Plum… and Taue gives up at (34:14 of 36:36)! TEAM MISAWA WINS!! JUMBO’S LAWN IS PERMANENTLY RUINED!!

There’s finishes and then there’s FINISHES. All three guys writhing in agony on the mat while their young boy is tortured into giving up- no “blocking”, no “playing psychology to lure them away”- just emphatically BEATING them. Now that’s how you pass the torch.

Another awesome match between these six, but with a different kind of thing going on- Misawa & Kawada were ELEVATED now, and Jumbo was older, more tired, and more vulnerable- his panic when Misawa started firing back on him was palpable, and he looked for more and more shortcuts instead of just powering down his would-be successor like old times. Fuchi was a vulturish little asshole like always, but he stood no chance if he wasn’t fighting dirty. Taue took a massive beating and was singled-out, but both Misawa & Kawada had their necks worked (Kobashi was relatively fresh- himself having improved and is no longer so easily bullied). The match itself was maybe less focused than the other ones, and was more of a “send the people home happy” selection of callbacks and crowd-pleasing spots, with things like Kobashi’s repeater chops, Taue taking an ass-beating, the youngsters repeatedly mashing the veterans off the apron to pay back them doing it first, and more.

That said, I couldn’t go QUITE as high for this one as the other two- it’s still great fun and has all those callbacks (even to stuff within the match), but there’s not as many stories within stories here- it’s more about bedraggled veterans and their hapless young boy getting drilled by these increasingly-amazing superstars and desperately trying to hold on. No Jumbo powerbombs in sight and his Lariat has less stank on it- he’s fading and knows it (he goes part-time quickly). I did love Taue in the end, there- he took like 10 minutes of offense earlier on with his leg being crushed, but suddenly gets fired up fighting Kawada and senses his chance. He counts move after move and nearly pins him a couple times, and Kobashi has to stop the pin after his big Chokeslam. But instead of tagging he just presses on and fights for that big win, and it costs him- he gets careless and charges right into Kawada’s kick (it whiffs a bit but it’s just a counter so it’s not as big a deal), and Kawada nearly pins him with his finisher, but finally has to crank on the Stretch Plum, giving us the ultimate crowd-pleasing spot of ALL THREE GUYS on Jumbo’s side being stretched to shit by the younger generation as Taue gives it up and the baton is clearly on Misawa’s side now.

Rating: ****1/2 (the “Worst” of the three and is still magnificent, haha)

When you hire a former WCW World Champion to shore up your company’s struggling upper-midcard but immediately destroy any chance of it working with an incredibly stupid outfit.

FAAROOQ ASAD vs. ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU:
(WWF TV, Early 1996)
* Yes, it’s more of THE PUG, and I found a pair of matches against Faarooq- one in NOD gear, and the other in THIS- his Nerf Gladiator outfit! Porteau had been written off by this point and is just a jobber, wearing a red amateur singlet against Faarooq, still in a black singlet with the teal skirt & foam helmet.

Faarooq attacks right away with clubbing blows- Porteau gets a dropkick but puts his head down early and gets clotheslined down. Jim Ross, then doing his heel announcer gimmick, shits all over the gear “You know, that helmet is EMBARRASSING. Isn’t Vince McMahon, in addition to being an egomaniac, a marketing genius?” as Faarooq pounds away, and Porteau reverses a whip only to leap up into the “spinebuster” (more or less just doing a back bump as Faarooq falls forward). Pug is just launching himself around for some of these shots, writhing around in a circle off a punch. Faarooq hits a “running headbutt” to a downed Pug, then finishes the limp Porteau with the gutwrench front slam, then called the Tiger Bite (lol, really?) at (2:02)- Pug gets squashed.

A pretty basic squash, but man what’s with Faarooq’s offense here? All three of the actual moves he did during the match before the finisher involved him lunging forward and ending up on his belly while Porteau had to do all the work. That’s super odd- the clothesline, spinebuster and headbutt were all that kind of move. He just seemed very limited.

Rating: 1/2* (a barebones squash- just one guy beating on another- Porteau got no real offense)

FAAROOQ ASAD (w/ The Nation of Domination) vs. ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU:
(WWF TV, Dec. 29th 1996)
* WOO THERE’S A SECOND ONE! Faarooq has dropped his stupid gladiator gear for the Nation of Domination one with the African-style symbols on the side and stuff. Hilariously, Wolfie-D’s mic isn’t turned on during the opening “Southern Meth-Head Posse” rap so JC-Ice croaks out his stuff solo.

Faarooq clubs away immediately again just like last match, but the Pug ducks him and does the most hilarious “skidding” animation like in a cartoon when he realizes he’s out of position for a punch, then comes in too hard and Faarooq actually gets shoved back against the ropes so Pug can throw a couple shots, then do a drop-down, but he again leaps right up and gets spinebustered to hell while Faarooq just looks annoyed. And THAT one looked good! Faarooq makes sure to measure the Pug before lighting him up with a fist, sending him into a flat-back bump. Faarooq hits a snap suplex and boots Pug when he puts his head down after raking Faarooq’s eyes. Faarooq keeps taunting him and taking his sweet time, hitting another measured punch into a back bump, and actually misses a falling headbutt. Porteau lands a dropkick but puts his head down a second time and Faarooq awkwardly drives down on him and hits the Dominator for the pin at (3:48).

A very similar match to the last one, albeit with two Pug comebacks and less wild bumping from him. He’d either given up at this point or was out of sorts (him going “WOAH WOAH WOAH” with his body language after being out of position was funny). He did do pretty well going for dramatic flat-back bumps off those punches, I guess. Faarooq looked better than the last match, actually being able to hit his stuff properly and not just falling forward. Lots of stalling, though.

Rating: 3/4* (pretty normal squash- two mini-comebacks not done terribly well, but at least Faarooq had improved)

Tall, roided to shreds, frosted hair tips. There were a billion “Shawn Stasiaks” in this era of wrestling. Which kind of meant that none of them were special and got ignored.

“THE LETHAL WEAPON” STEVE BLACKMAN vs. SHAWN STASIAK:
(WWF Metal, Nov. 6th 1999)
* OH YES! Shitty 1999 WWF matches personified: The Lethal Weapon versus Meat. Stasiak was in the company only briefly before getting fired for recording conversations and I barely remember his presence at all- he never moved out of the undercard. Apparently this was AFTER the Meat thing, as the angle was dropped and he was turned into a jobber- he was fired a month after this. Both guys show even less charisma than normal here, just walking down the aisle with blank expressions and doing “arms raised in the corner” taunts to the same side of the arena. WHO’S EVEN THE HEEL? Blackman is in the usual black pants and Stasiak’s in puce trunks.

Blackman does amateur-style stuff, Stasiak goes to the arm, and then Blackman fires shots after the rope break until Stasiak hits a cross-body then starts throwing prominent “stomp punches” and a vertical suplex. Stasiak with a back elbow, slam and side-slam for two as this is so damn generic. He’s a “Johnny Ace hire” before Johnny got there! Stasiak runs into a spinebuster but gets a backdrop suplex for two, but a corner whip is reversed and a belly-to-belly suplex puts him down and Blackman taps him out with his new finisher (?), the Reverse Triangular Choke, at (2:22). Oh this was dreadful. Just two guys going totally blank-faced through first-year stuff, as if they were in wrestling training school. Shawn was only 2-3 years in at this point, but man. He obviously didn’t care, and knew how bad his career was going. At least Blackman let him get his shit in, though it’s all basic 1980s offense with nothing behind it at all, then Blackman hits two moves and wins- the RAW Special at this point.

Rating: * (nothing TV bout- not quite a squash as it was competitive, but just two guys doing moves with no fire)