Dream Matches — page 9

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_qNwQKTsMY&ab_channel=NLWrestlingArchive

GWF NORTH AMERICAN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT (Part One):
(GWF, Dallas, Aug. 1991)
* So after weeks of incredible peer pressure, and caving to the Blog’s current obsession: “Shitty Indies”, I’m finally reviewing the GWF! This being the Global Wrestling Federation, which as is obvious by the name, is an indie run out of one tiny portion of the United States. It seems like every indie of the 1990s was either an ECWA-style “skinny indie guys doing Rockers matches” or a regional promotion with some grandiose name (Universal Wrestling Federation! GLOBAL Wrestling Federation!), a money mark at the center of it, a couple indie darlings (Cactus Jack & Scott Levy), and 30 guys Vince McMahon didn’t want. Case in point, this promotion’s GWF North American Title Tournament features The Patriot, pre-fame Cactus Jack, a green-as-grass Godfather, and a heavily pregnant Bill Eadie as “Axis the Demolisher”. This also gives us Stan Lane before he called it quits, Terry Gordy between Japan runs, failed WWF guy Al Perez, a pre-pubescent Buff Bagwell, and assorted other dweebs. This is FANTASTIC in terms of weirdo Dream Matches… but since it’s a U.S. indie in the early ’90s, it’s probably just going to be a lot of guys lazily humping each other, doing nerveholds and cheap falls.

FIRST ROUND:
THE PATRIOT vs. SOULTAKER:
* HELL YES! We start off with Del Wilkes, the most “what Vince wants in a wrestler” guy to never last more than a couple of years in any company, and a very young pre-Papa Shango Charles Wright. Patriot’s an obvious body guy with long U.S. flag tights, while Soultaker’s a giant dude with a big, thick body but not as much definition, and Mantaur’s hairstyle. He’s wearing the black singlet he’d keep as Papa Shango.

Bunkhouse Buck legit looks like some Western Movie stock character named “Pa” who doesn’t like the young protagonist hanging around his daughter. Straight up wrestles in an undershirt! 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a whopper of a WCW Pro match for you, as “Lifeguard” Steve Collins, my new favorite jobber ever, has to face WCW luminary Bunkhouse Buck! In the most hilariously cheating-filled squash ever! With maybe wrestle’s all-time worst ever finishing move! Also it’s some Nitro goodness as Booker T defends the TV Title in a hot match against Psychosis, where Booker shows the fire that rocketed him to… well the main event of a dying company! But still, he was awesome!

Then I spoil you all as I found TWO Scotty Riggs vs. Scott Putski matches to review! I knew I had to get to these ever since I saw Scott or someone (Dave? Mike?) review it a month or so ago! And finally, it’s more lucha, as I found a really long, solid Octagon vs. Fuerza Guerrera match! More of Juventud’s dad! And a hilariously violent old lady in the front row that both pros make a show out of!

BUNKHOUSE BUCK (w/ Col. Tom Parker & Dick Slater) vs. “LIFEGUARD” STEVE COLLINS:
(WCW Pro, March 30th 1996)
* MORE LIFEGUARD!! And against one of the most inexplicable JTTS guys of the age in Buck. Collins has his little floatation device and slaps hands with the fans on the way to the ring. This is LONG after the other Collins stuff I have, meaning this dude was around longer than I thought. Tragically, though, checking Cagematch reveals he was only in a tiny handful of matches per year unless they’re missing a ton.

Reviewing Fred Ottman matches. Oh, how I’ve missed this.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this week, I have one of my favorite things in the world to share with you… FAT MAN STAND-OFFS!!! I feared I’d gotten through all the ones I could find, but lo and behold- Yokozuna vs. Typhoon! TWICE!

And then it’s a dramatically awful match-up on paper as it’s… well it’s 1990s AWA, what more do I need to say? But it’s the AWA’s patented “washed-up old fart” wrestling COMBINED with 1990-era American’s women’s wrestling! The worst of two genres! Col. DeBeers & The Magnificent Mimi take on Baron Von Raschke the babyface goose-stepping Nazi and his partner Candi Divine! Watch DeBeers try to save the whole match from the apron!

Then it’s over to 2000s-era WWE Velocity as the re-trained Sean O’Haire takes on… WCW’s Crowbar! Back when WWE just hired every indie worker they could find to work squashes! And then it’s another request, as I combine my tributes to Lanny Poffo and David Sammartino as they partner up with the future Haku in the clean-faced, ripped Tonga Kid doing his best “Superfly Snuka” rip-off act, and they take on the job squad of Les Thornton and the Moondogs!

YOKOZUNA (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. TYPHOON:
(WWF Mania, April 10th 1993)
* Hell yes! I found another one! A FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!! These are always extremely short matches between these two- I mean, I wouldn’t wanna deny Fred Ottman’s cardio but I’m guessing this is for his benefit. Typhoon is noticeably taller, but Yoko has considerably more bulk, even now shortly after WrestleMania IX (though it was probably taped before).

I somehow missed the “banana-yellow pants” phase of John Cena’s career.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time the headliner is a future WWE Pay Per View Main Event, but in 2003 and on the infamous D-show WWE Velocity, as indie darling Bryan Danielson shows up on WWE TV to put over this rising star- a roided-up rapping heel named John Cena.

More WWF Light Heavyweight Division goodness as Taka Michinoku and pre-2 Hotty Scott Taylor team up against Brian Christopher and YOSHIHIRO TAJIRI, back when he was just some generic pasty-faced kicky guy out of Big Japan. Yes, the Japanese Buzzsaw pre-ECW hit WWF RAW! Then it’s to ECW, as Mikey Whipwreck’s “Underdog Sensation” gimmick gets put to the test against the 1996 version of an indie darling, Devon Storm (yes, all you need is a discarded Rockers costume and a few moves swiped from Mexico and YOU TOO could have been an indie darling in 1996!). And then… yes, I have ANOTHER LIFEGUARD STEVE COLLINS MATCH, as he takes on WCW midcarder “Stunning” Steve Austin in a battle of the Steves! Finally, we end with a Street Fight between Ron Simmons & Maxx Payne… in the New York set of Disney/MGM Studios in Orlando!

JOHN CENA vs. BRYAN DANIELSON:
(WWE Velocity, Feb. 4th 2003)
* Welcome to WWE Velocity, where John Cena gets to demolish some dweeby indie nobody named “Bryan Danielson”. LOL look at this dork’s clean-shaven baby face and Indie Kickpads- what a ridiculous act. Speaking of, Cena has now revolutionized his career by being a douchebag wannabe rapper, before this of course became entertaining enough to turn him babyface, which took him from “cultural-appropriating doofus” to “big star for the kids” and the biggest star of his generation- wrestling is weird. Cena’s in giant bright yellow jeans AND BOOTS and is roided out of his mind, while Bryan’s in white trunks.

The WWF was never really a “Workrate Company”, so the Big Boss Man is one of those guys who kind of slipped through the cracks and people only now have come to appreciate and credit with a lot of great performances and remarkable agility for his size. I now honor him with this hilariously suggestive picture.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a very solid TV match from 1992 as Shawn Michaels and the Big Boss Man do a rare singles match against each other, showcasing Ray Traylor’s shocking speed for such a big guy as he does one of the best “evasion” spots I’ve ever seen, despite outweighing his opponent by eighty pounds! Then it’s more 1992 WWF goodness as Virgil tries to take revenge against the Repo Man for the loss of the Million Dollar Title!

Over to 1998 WWF as Brian Christopher and a newly-heel Scott Taylor are paired up as heel goobers “Too Much” and set against… yes I’m subjecting you to more Devon Storm, as he and indie partner Ace Darling are paired up as jobbers on Shotgun Saturday Night against the new heel team! Then it’s a random throwaway WCW TV main event of Sting, Marcus Alexander Bagwell & The Steiner Brothers against Arn Anderson, Larry Zbyszko, Bobby Eaton & Cactus Jack! Finally, a spectacularly weird WCW Prime match, as Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker takes on LIFEGUARD STEVE COLLINS in a gimmick I am just now hearing about. Read on!

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. THE BIG BOSS MAN:
(WWF Wrestling Challenge, Nov. 14th 1992)
* Shawn is JUST set to win the IC Title from the British Bulldog on the Saturday Night’s Main Event airing this same day, and Boss Man is in the middle of a huge feud with Nailz, so I’m imagining this’ll be a screwjob ending. But it’s a pretty rare opportunity to see guys whose careers coincided but didn’t interact that much- the Rockers jobbed to the Twin Towers but as singles these two didn’t fight often- Boss Man was in WCW when Shawn had peaked, and returned when Shawn was gone. Sherri is out with an injury after Marty famously returned and Shawn pulled her in front of the mirror to save himself.

Nitro had a lot of weird one-offs and random-ass dudes from all over the place showing up, but DAVID SAMMARTINO?

With Scott Keith recently uploading David’s short history in the wrestling business, somebody wanted to see his one appearance on Monday Nitro. But even better, I found the “phantom submission” match, AND David’s appearance in the “End of Nitro Brawl” between the nWo and WCW loyalists! WOO Blog Synergy!

DAVID SAMMARTINO vs. RON SHAW:
(WWF at the Spectrum, Nov. 1985)
* So the story here is that David, sick of his lack of push from the WWF, was out to quit in a blaze of glory. Taking on balding, pot-bellied jobber Ron Shaw in a match that was being filmed, he had his way. David at this point is a short, bloated muscle-guy in black trunks, with really bad hair. Shaw’s in blue, and David gives this happy little smirk to the camera before the match. Oh, he knew.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a pretty weird assortment, including a very early William Regal vs. Bryan Danielson match from all the way back in 2001!

Then it’s a great showcase of how messed-up the WWF was in 1997, as TOMMY ROGERS vs. BOBBY FULTON makes WWF RAW, because they need a Light Heavyweight Division and when Jim Cornette is on the booking committee that means putting the past-their-prime Fantastics against each other in front of a crowd who has no idea who they are to put over the idea of a division full of young death-defying high-fliers. 1997 WWF, everybody!

Then we hit the AWA in 1986 as top star Sgt. Slaughter, just getting his G.I. Joe fame takes on a very green John “The Barbarian” Nord! Then it’s over to Smoky Mountain Wrestling for a pair of Ladder Matches- one a hilariously-weaksauce house show version where the “ladder” is just a tiny stepladder, and the other a really good one in a big show for the promotion- both involve “Discarded Toys” from other companies- Tracy Smothers vs. Chris Candido! Come see Candido take the most exaggerated sell I’ve ever seen- one that would have Jim Cornette calling for a boycott if it happened today.

WILLIAM REGAL vs. “THE AMERICAN DRAGON” BRYAN DANIELSON:
(Memphis Championship Wrestling, May 5th 2001)
* Announced as the “WWF Commissioner”, Regal takes on Danielson, whom he’d have a hand in training. Bryan is unrecognizable as this fresh-faced young kid with short hair and… are those Midnight Express tights? They’re long blue tights with stars on them. Regal gives Bryan a chance to walk away, but Bryan says “I’m not a COWARD BRITON!”, which Regal actually sells like it stunned him. Bryan would get a bit better on the mic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1WI_z9xccI&t=2489s&ab_channel=signsquad

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a mish-mash of stuff, as I hit a bizarre contest from Germany, as Fit Finlay takes on DOINK THE CLOWN, Matt BorneI mean Steve Keirn, probably! Using the weird “4-minute rounds” CWA style! It’s super-weird.

Then it’s over to the WWF for a standard-issue “Dream Match” that is just Razor Ramon being super-generous in a bout against Virgil! Then over to WCW as the Steiner Brothers face Big Van Vader and Mr. Hughes in a big “Steiners Tossing Around Monsters” match that ends a lot differently than I expected! And it’s a WrestleMania rematch, as Owen Hart takes on Skinner in the latter’s final TV appearance in 1993!

Then I pack the back end of this one with the WWF Light Heavyweight Title Tournament. Most of it’s not on the free video-sharing sites in full, so I didn’t want to do a whole review just on those- WWE put up the final 2 minutes of most matches on their own YouTube channel and that’s it. But I did manage a complete review of Aguila (Essa Rios) vs. Super Loco (Super Crazy)! Also, come see indie dorks like Flash Flanagan, Devon Storm & Eric Shelley on WWF TV in 1997!

CWA INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
4 MINUTE ROUNDS:
FIT FINLAY vs. DOINK THE CLOWN:
(Wales, 17/12/1994)
* Oh yes, DOINK vs. FIT FINLAY in GERMANY. This was requested ages ago by Manjiimmortal but I forgot to put it on my To-Do List for some reason- checking an old column reminded me of it. Doink gets roundly booed, while “Mr. Fit Finlay” is wildly popular. He’s a bit skinnier than he was in WCW, with a horrible moustache and mullet. Doink I thought was Matt Borne here, given the era- his droopy clown hair gives him a creepy vibe, and the sarcastic “not gonna cheer me? SHUCKS!” reaction is what made me sure it was him, but apparently it’s Steve Keirn. The ring announcements are in German, which I mistook for Welsh as I knew Fit Finlay was a big star there, which is totally funny because I often forget that there’s people all “wwyllechw2fflewunfummuwfurwurrr” and shit over in England despite it being all English and stuff.

I was only barely paying attention to TNA during AMW’s peak, but I remember them getting a lot of hype, especially as WWE was ignoring tags at the time. I know one went on to more success and the other got fat and faded away. Was this the peak of both guys?

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I start off with a pretty notable TNA match, as their first Steel Cage Match takes place between tag team rivals Triple X (Christopher Daniels & Elix Skipper) and America’s Most Wanted (James Storm & Chris Harris)! Come see Elix Skipper be a spot machine, Daniels be smart, and AMW show how they ended up being one of the most talked-about acts of 2003!

Then it’s over to Stampede Wrestling, as we have insanity as CHRIS BENOIT & DAVEY-BOY SMITH make the same team, allying with Brian Pillman & Rob Ritchie against Makhan Singh (Bastian Booger), Volkan Singh (Gary Albright), Great Gama (whose last name is literally also “Singh”) and Larry Cameron in an ultra-clipped Elimination Tag match! And another match from “Dream Matches MVP” Blake Beverly as he takes on Virgil in Aug. 1993! And finally, it’s William Regal versus RECKLESS YOUTH, as the indie wunderkind who just copied his Japan wrestling tapes faces the soon-to-the-WWF guy in 2000!

NWA TAG TEAM TITLES:
STEEL CAGE MATCH:
TRIPLE X (“The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels & “Prime Time” Elix Skipper) vs. AMERICA’S MOST WANTED (“Cowboy” James Storm & “Wildcat” Chris Harris):
(NWA TNA, Weekly PPV 6/25/2003)
* So this is a big deal in TNA’s history- their first Steel Cage match, featuring their top two teams at the time. AMW was a big deal for them, as two singles guys got slapped together and turned into a heckuva duo, while Triple X were three of the flashiest guys at the time doing a “Freebirds Rule” gimmick- Daniels was one of the “under-utilized” guys of the time, having ****-ish matches but never getting sniffed by WWE (probably because he was both quite short AND weirdly skinny, with an elongated head & torso), while Skipper was a major spot-machine and was also stuck in TNA during its formative years, and ended up lacking the pedigree of the other fast-paced guys of the era like Low-Ki & AJ Styles, despite being more acrobatic than either. Not here is Low-Ki. Both teams were in a long-running feud over the NWA Tag Belts, Triple X being 4-0 but always due to outside interference- hence the cage match. Mike Tenay & Don West thankfully explain the whole story in the prelude. AMW are in blue trunks, and Triple X are in black shorts.

Repo Man is a veritable fountain of horrible matches that are somehow also amazingly fun to watch- a rare talent!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have another assortment of weird stuff from various promotions, starting off with a classic “Roddy gobbles up his opponent” match as “Rowdy” Roddy Piper defends his Intercontinental Title against Repo Man, in a match based around Repo swiping a ringside lady’s watch!

Following that, I finally investigate a question I’ve always had: Were Doug Basham & The Damaja actually any good? Both were bland-ass forgotten wrestlers in WWE and never made an impact on the wrestling business, but Jim Cornette adored them in OVW and I swear I’ve heard some people fanboy for them as true lost gems. As such, I check out their final match in Ohio Valley Wrestling for the OVW Title! Then it’s more of “Dream Matches MVP” Blake Beverly as he faces Mr. Perfect! Then it’s back to Dragon Gate, as I try to find more of their solo matches- this one is CIMA vs. Sumo Dandy Fuji in a Hair vs. Hair Match!

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
“ROWDY” RODDY PIPER vs. REPO MAN:
(WWF MSG, Feb. 1992)
* Oh damn! You don’t often see Roddy Piper taking on lower-midcarders- these are always totally one-sided and humiliating. I love it! Repo Man is hilariously skulking along, looking shorter than every single ring attendant despite being like 6’3″ legit, then POCKETS A LADY’S WATCH while hugging her and how did this gimmick not make millions? She’s now on camera screaming “I want my watch back, thief!” while Heenan suggests she was just behind on payments (“What’s the matter- didn’t her husband have a good enough job?”). Now the lady sics Piper on him and Monsoon backs her up (“Her husband’s a deadbeat!” cries Heenan).

I always wonder how you should rate this guy’s look. I mean he’s so big he makes 300-lb. men look like small children, so he’d be a 10/10 in “Look”… but he’s so skinny and awkward looking.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time it’s another smattering of random WWF, ECW & WCW stuff, starting with a match I had no idea existed from 1992 WCW as Cactus Jack has to try and make a match work against EL GIGANTE, the most hopeless in-ring guy to ever live! Then it’s over to ECW as Stan Hansen of all people shows up, and he’s immediately put up against jobber duo Twisted Steel & Sex Appeal!

Then a very “1993 WWF” match as Tatanka takes on Mr. Hughes! WWF’s Light Heavyweight Division heats up as heatless heel Brian Christopher gets put up against his Player Two version and future tag team partner, Scott Taylor! And finally, it’s the first-ever Scaffold Match in wrestling as Jerry Jarrett faces Don Green in Kentucky- a request since Jerry has died fairly recently.

CACTUS JACK vs. EL GIGANTE:
(WCW Pro, Jan. 18th 1992)
* Oh yeah, this is the good shit- WCW in the early ’90s isn’t the fountain of “Wait, that happened?” nonsense as other promotions but MICK FOLEY vs. JORGE GONZALEZ? That will do nicely. Cactus Jack is coming down to a slow piano version of the “Funeral March” here, while El Gigante, in his black bicycle shorts, somehow looks like a giant dork despite making his 290-lb. opponent look like a small child. Gigante’s sporting a bandage on his face owing to a scrap with Vader in Japan.

You know it’s 1997 WWF when THESE two show up!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, we have a wild assortment, as I found another Bowl Match from the WWF! A sequel to the “RAW Bowl” where everyone was in football gear, this one is classic 1997, as it’s Owen Hart & British Bulldog vs. The Godwinns vs. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs. Faarooq & Crush in a 4-way elimination tag match!

A weird mish-mash bout from 1993 WCW sees a young BABYFACE Steve Regal take on The Barbarian! More of Devon Storm and Ace Darling as they form “The Extremists” and hit WCW as a pair of jobbers against The Public Enemy! A palette cleanser from that as babyface Kona Crush takes on “Dream Matches” MVP, Blake Beverly! And we end things with a great example of the Dragon Gate style as CIMA, Dragon Kid & Susumu Yokosuka invade Pro Wrestling NOAH to face Naomichi Marufuji, Ricky Marvin & Ippei Ota!

BOWL MATCH (4 corners elimination tag, anyone can tag and must accept tags):
OWEN HART & “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY-BOY SMITH vs. THE GODWINNS (Henry O. & Phineas I. Godwinn, w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. DOUG FURNAS & PHILIP LAFON vs. THE NATION OF DOMINATION (Faarooq & Crush, w/ Clarence Mason, PG-13 & Flunkies):
(WWF Superstars, Jan. 26th 1997)
* Wait, they ran ANOTHER Bowl? All I remember was the RAW Bowl! Where they all wore football uniforms and it was actually pretty dumb! This is another from the next year, with a smattering of oddball tag teams from the era- Owen & Bulldog are the tag champs, with Furnas & LaFon (in matching blue trunks) brought in from Japan as charisma-free challengers in an attempt to combat WCW’s perception as the “workrate promotion”, probably. The Godwinns are a fading act at this point (and oddly both in matching red shirts), while the Nation are rising stars, without Savio yet, I think.

Welcome to a very special Dream Matches edition! Wherein I searched Billy Kidman and found a Psychosis match, then went back to review it and found out they fought at least seven times on TV, six of which are captured by YouTube! So I managed a whole column’s worth out of these two! It’s interesting because the first three are total throwaway bouts on lesser shows where Kidman was just one of the forgotten background Cruiserweights, indistinguishable from anyone else, then suddenly they have a really competitive one, and then it’s a big one when Kidman actually got his major push and PSYCHOSIS was the guy suffering from credibility issues! So it’s an interesting cross-section of the careers and credibility of these two wrestlers! And also watch as WCW changes the spelling of the luchadore’s name constantly!

PSYCHOSIS vs. BILLY KIDMAN:
(WCW Worldwide, July 27th 1996/WCW Prime, Aug. 12th 1996)
* Early in the WCW run of Billy Kidman, he’s a generic skinny Cruiserweight in blue tights going up against Psychosis in his most garish, awful gear- the black bodysuit with the salmon-colored abs & gold chestpiece. God that version sucks. This same match was on two different D-shows- I nearly reviewed it twice until I realized they weren’t just copying the same match… it was LITERALLY the same match.

The Brain Buster’s finish is the piledriver but Koko’s theme is Piledriver and his finisher the Brainbuster.
-YouTube comment.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I found a very odd one-off, as it’s the Brain Busters versus the makeshift team of… High Energy? Yes, it’s OWEN HART AND KOKO B. WARE, but several years early, as Owen’s the Blue Blazer and neither is in gigantic parachute pants, and they’re taking on the NWA-styled Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard!

Then it’s over to New Japan, as the IWGP Tag Team Champions, Rick & Scott Steiner, defend against the monster squad of Scott Norton & Tony “Ludvig Borga” Halme! Come see some real Hoss Style wrestling… at least until their cardio wears out! Then it’s a classic 1994 WWF match, with The 1-2-3 Kid & Thurmann “Sparky” Plugg vs. Adam Bomb & Kwang! Sting vs. Lt. James Earl Wright in 1995 WCW! And we cap things off with a jobber squash featuring Don Muraco in 1980s Florida dismantling a green rookie Barry Windham!

THE BRAIN BUSTERS (Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard, w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. KOKO B. WARE & THE BLUE BLAZER:
* !!!!!! This was mentioned in a daily thread as a fascinating unknown match, and look at it! The Brain Busters vs. High Energy… three years early! Owen Hart at this point was a masked undercard guy in light blue gear for some reason, and Koko was on the JTTS train already. The Busters, in black trunks, are so NWA they look bizarre in late ’80s WWF, but they kinda fit because of that- two guys in regular gear with regular dad-bods like good NWA stars should look. Like, WWF was so full of weird characters that this actually STOOD OUT… and thus kind of worked? I mean the whole company was guys trying to stand out so “NWA Guys” was ironically a good fit. The jobber team is listed as 70 lbs. heavier than the Busters- that doesn’t sound right.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I take a look at another tape-trader dream, as it’s the best of Michinoku Pro (minus Great Sasuke) in a big Sumo Hall 10-man that piles on the MOVEZ in a great comparison to the 2006 Dragon Gate match! It’s the fully heel Kaientai DX up against Hamada, Delfin, Tiger Mask, Gran Naniwa & Masato Yakushiji!

Then it’s a look at the bizarre debut of Tony “Ludvig Borga” Halme in New Japan, as he portrays a boxer up against a very green “Soultaker”- Charles “Papa Shango/Godfather” Wright! Then it’s a request, as Sting & Lex Luger take on the Faces of Fear  in 1996 WCW! Then I induce a lot more star power into this column, as MARTY JANNETTY takes on DUKE “THE DUMPSTER” DROESE, baby! Come see Duke almost tease a heel character before they gave up and were like “LOL no- he’s just a jobber”. And then a hilariously “1997 Indies” match on WWF RAW of all places, as Devon Storm fights Ace Darling! It’s the most indieriffic indie match imaginable, but tragically the match is cut short for time.

GRAN HAMADA, SUPER DELFIN, TIGER MASK IV, GRAN NANIWA & MASATO YAKUSHIJI vs. KAIENTAI DX (Taka Michinoku, Shoichi Funaki, Men’s Teioh, Dick Togo & Shiryu):
(Michinoku Pro, Oct. 10th 1996)
* Said to be the “MOVEZ~ Match du jour” of the late ’90s, I dunno. Holy god it’s long, though! MPro seems to be a never-ending succession of complex spots and multi-man matches, to the point where I wonder what all the solo bouts looked like (to be fair, Sasuke/Taka is good in both matches seen in North America). Delfin is a dolphin-themed comedy wrestler, Naniwa is a crab-man in blue, Tiger Mask is the fourth incarnation and the only one not cool enough to drop the gimmick and make his way on his own, and Yakushiji is… some guy I’ve never heard of. Looks like some generic dude in bad Red Ranger cosplay, and was a minor star from the looks of things, winning only some CMLL belts. Hamada, the stable leader, is the most “1980s puro guy” you’ve ever seen, with a curly mullet, plain black trunks and a dad bod. Kaientai were briefly a thing in the WWF, though Funaki stuck around for ages as a comedy jobber- here he’s thinner and in black & white pinstriped singlet. Taka’s the star of the team and looks like a 12-year old in blue shorts- he’d be the centerpiece of WWF’s failed Light Heavyweight division. Shiryu, in a blue Spider-Man-ish mask, is WCW jobber Kaz Hayashi. Men’s Teioh (no I have no idea what that means) looks kinda generic and has blond hair and trunks. Togo is the portly guy in blue tights.

Hey all! It’s an extra Dream Matches column this week as I take a look at a request and just stick a random depressing match to the end of it. LOU THESZ vs. VERNE GAGNE for the NWA World Title in 1952! Come see just how epic a heel Lou Thesz was in 1952 against a short, spunky Gagne!

Also come see the origin of the dreaded “Conway Pop” as Rob Conway debuts as a charisma-vacuum with the most horrendous theme song in the history of the business, against poor “JTTS era but in retrospect he deserved this” Val Venis!

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BEST TWO OF THREE FALLS:
LOU THESZ vs. VERNE GAGNE:
(Chicago Ampitheater, Jan. 25th 1952)
* Oh yes- it’s time. I dare to tackle what NWA Title matches looked like 70 years ago. Lou is the 233-lb. World Champion, while Gagne is his 218-lb. opponent. Best of all, it’s Russ Davis as the commentator again! This is so long ago that Vern is called “the most upstanding of the young challengers”. Both guys have mean widow’s peaks, and Lou’s hairy as all get-out with a mean dad look- Verne must be pale as hell because he’s basically reflecting the ring spotlights. You know it’s 1952 because every single man in the audience is wearing a suit. Imagine that at a wrestling event now.

PN News in his “No, I can STILL MAKE IT!” “Editing his own Wikipedia bio” phase.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a weird smorgasbord of stuff for you, as 1991 WCW sees something I’ve been missing in this column- a FAT MAN STAND-OFF as it’s future megastar Steve Austin as “Stunning” Steve teaming with Big Van Vader (still new to WCW) against midcard squad P.N. News and Z-Man (Tom Zenk)!  Then it’s the last match I could find in my “Best of Well Dunn” sequence… as Steven Dunn pops up as a SHOTGUN jobber teaming with Reno Riggins against the just-starting-to-work-it-out Hardy Boyz in 1998!

Then it’s some 1993 WWF RAW action as “Macho Man” Randy Savage faces Headshrinker Fatu in one of those “tag guy as a solo JTTS” matches! And sure enough- they do the “Savage Template”. And I take another look at Dragon Gate, as Shingo Takagi takes on BxB Hulk! Then finally it’s a request- Chris Jericho & Jim Powers vs. Rough & Ready! Yes, it’s the weirdest cross-section of WCW possible, with future legend Jericho teaming with never-was 1980s jobber Powers against washed-up Dick Slater and “Dream Matches MVP” Mike Enos!

“STUNNING” STEVE AUSTIN & BIG VAN VADER (w/ Lady Blossom) vs. P.N. NEWS & Z-MAN:
(WCW, Nov. 16th 1991)
* A crazy Dream Match featuring WCW’s biggest Monster Heel teaming with future superstar Austin, against a pair of guys who became known as joke midcard acts- News is a big fat white guy acting like a rapper while Z-Man is Tom Zenk in a midcard role. Both are in neon green to let you know what year this is- Zenk in trunks and News in a singlet. Austin’s a generic robed heel in black shorts while Vader’s got a steam-shooting helmet on but hasn’t really “completed” his act, exactly- he even takes his mask entirely off before the match.

I gotta say, I really think the white gear looks sharp. Less iconic, sure, but that’s a good look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I take a look at the first run of Hulk Hogan in the WWF, as he wrestles as a heel against the World Champion, Bob Backlund! This one is a good look at how much time you can waste to reach 30 minutes… but has one absolute motherfucker of a feat of strength from Bob Backlund, and is a true must-see.

Then it’s a look at two Harlem Heat vs. Cactus Jack & Maxx Payne matches! Cactus vs. Booker is a match we didn’t see a lot of given the ways their careers went, so that’s kinda interesting, never mind a rare shot of Payne, who didn’t seem to be around for long. The last appearance of the short-lived BattleKat in the WWF as he takes on The Barbarian! And then the “Best of Well Dunn” continues, as Steven Dunn gets “tag guy as singles jobber” duties against Duke “The Dumpster” Droese!

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BOB BACKLUND vs. HULK HOGAN:
(WWF, 4-12-1980)
* Oh yes, it’s Hulk Hogan in his pre-“Rock ‘n’ Wrestling” era self as a nasty heel challenging the World Champion, Bob Backlund. Hogan looks so, so damn young compared to even a few years later, still sporting a receding hairline but having a long blond mane. And damn, I LOVE those all-white trunks & boots- the yellow is so iconic and stands out more, but this is such an eye-popping look. Bob’s in the usual red trunks, and gets a HUGE reaction from this Philadelphia crowd, though at least one “Heel Fan” is heard loudly booing on camera.

Called “Wrestling’s Most Influential Match Ever”… and that just might be true. For better or worse.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one has an amazing match to start us off- “The Flair/Steamboat of MOVEZ Matches” as I’ve heard it described, as two Dragon Gate teams face off at Ring of Honor Supercard of Honor 2006! Come watch the match the U.S. indie/AEW style has been chasing for the last 17 years, and come listen to me ramble about just WHY they can’t quite seem to catch it!

And of course I follow it up with matches featuring the Beverly Brothers and Well Dunn! This time, it’s the Beverly Brothers versus BABYFACE Nasty Boys, during Knobs & Sags’ latter period in the WWF. After that, it’s Well Dunn being fed to the new babyface duo of the Allied Powers- Lex Luger & The British Bulldog! And finally we end with a request from my “Wrestlers Slaughtering Jobbers” column, as it’s Rob Van Dam accidentally splattering Kurt Angle’s mouth all over the place, leading to Kurt being out on his feet and bleeding buckets.

DRAGON GATE RULES (no tags necessary)
DO FIXER (Ryo Saito, Genki Horiguchi & Dragon Kid) vs. BLOOD GENERATION (CIMA, Masato Yoshino & Naruki Doi):
(Ring of Honor, Supercard of Honor 2006)
* Okay, so here’s another request, and it’s said to be a MOVEZ match from Dragon Gate (the former Toryumon)- you have been warned!! I know jack shit about any of these people but one so bear with me- I’m on the Pro Wrestling Wiki copying movesets so I at least know what’s what (jesus CIMA’s moveset is like a mile long). Saito’s a pretty “typical puro heel” with the dyed hair, toned body and bisected shorts. Genki’s got long tights in black & yellow and wears a shirt in the ring. Dragon Kid looks like Ultimo Dragon shrank in the wash, and was the “flippy guy du jour” in the business for a while. He’s in lime green and is skinny with no definition whatsoever. Yoshino’s got a ridiculously toned body with a weirdly skinny waist, like he’s sucking it in so he’s all ribcage- he’s in long black shorts. Doi’s just like Saito, but with black trunks. CIMA’s a pretty famous dude, having wrestled all over (even as a jobber in WCW)- his black shorts have tons of tassels and he gets by far the biggest reaction.

Scott Steiner and the LOD would watch this and be like “Shitting hell, ease it up a bit”.

Welcome back to more of wrestlers brutally abusing jobbers! This time I have TWO requests from Maffew, and matches featuring the four gods of taking liberties- the Steiner Brothers and the Legion of Doom! One has the guy fighting the LOD getting a big head about his position and no-selling, while the other is a standard Steiner Brothers squash, but their very first on WWF TV! Then Shelton Benjamin gets a fantastic squash by ragdolling Colin Delaney around like a video game physics engine gone mad!

Then it’s an SWS match, as Yoshiaki Fujiwara (aka the guy who made that armbar everyone uses today famous) effortlessly squashes a member of the Viet Cong Express from Stampede Wrestling, embarrassing him in the “shoot style”. And then it’s one of the most brutal beatings in WWF history, as AJA KONG from All Japan Women’s Wrestling comes to WWF RAW and beats the ever-loving shit out of Chaparrita ASARI to the point that VINCE McMAHON drops insider lingo on commentary about “Potatoes being thrown around the ring”.

THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. KEN LUCAS & ZULU:
(AWA, Dec. 12th 1984)
* A request from Maffew, this one sees the LOD take on two guys I’ve never heard of- Zulu has a WWF superstar look (taller than either Warrior) but a receding hairline, and is an otherwise normal-looking black dude in red trunks. Lucas is an itty-bitty dwarfish man with a dad-bod and black trunks, and was apparently out of semi-retirement for this one, and wasn’t used to being treated like a jobber. Oh, “Huffy jobber” matches are always a mess. Cagematch says he debuted in *1960* and his finisher was an ABDOMINAL STRETCH if you wanna realize just what kind of an era he was from.