The man lifted so much that he couldn’t pull his arms past this position at his sides. Naturally, he chose pro wrestling as a career.
Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Have I got a wild assortment for you tonight! Mostly a bunch of odd matches starring wrestlers in their early “Jobber” phases, as we get Jim Duggan and the Pitbulls as jobbers! But we start off with a very “1986 WWF Match”, as Big John Studd has to get something out of rookie monster Ted Arcidi, a powerlifter so muscular he couldn’t even put his arms at his sides. Ted does NOT last long in wrestling… and you’re about to see why. This is advertised as “The Ultimate MuscleBear Match”, which is an interesting stipulation.
Then it’s a 1989 WWF match as the Hart Foundation takes on… the Pitbulls?! Yes, a true Dream Match! Except… it’s Durante & Wolfe as jobbers. Roided up jobbers. And come see Hulk Hogan in the WWWF take on future “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan as a Skinny-Fat jobber in 1982! Then it’s over to NWA-TNA as I look into the bizarre JTTS Altar Boy Luke, and he’s up as a jobber against Crash Holly himself- Mad Mikey! And finally it’s WCW goodness as Pretty Wonderful (Paul Orndorff & Roma) vs. UNCLE FRED and “The latest jobber with a push” Mark Starr!
THE ULTIMATE MUSCLEBEAR MATCH:
BIG JOHN STUDD vs. TED ARCIDI:
(WWF TV, April 25th 1986)
* Yes, the video is titled just that! Presumably this is not how WWF advertised it, but the ’80s were a different time and I won’t judge. Studd is one of the top heels in the company- a 6’7″-ish giant feuding with Andre and other big guys, while Arcidi is a powerlifter hired on for his absolutely massive frame and credibility (the first man to bench press 700 lbs.), but he’s gone on to become an infamous example of bad wrestling. I’ve actually never seen him wrestle before, and couldn’t pick him out of a lineup of lifters. He’s in a teeny red singlet to show off his build, while Studd’s in the usual white tights.
Arcidi is so muscular that he can’t hold his arms at anything less than a 45-degree angle from his torso- that bodes well. Guys, I’m shocked- they open with standing around and then a test of strength. You’ll never guess how Monsoon describes it. Studd uses leverage to take the lead, then drives in a knee to keep Arcidi down, but Ted ignores a second and fires back, then EFFORTLESSLY hauls Studd up for a bodyslam lift, Studd using the ropes to bring himself back down and knees Ted back, pounding away in the corner “with the heavy artillery”. But Ted blocks him (Monsoon points out the “pectorial area” is Ted’s strong suit anyways and that was bad strategy) and fires back, dropping the straps (somehow looking awkward even doing THAT) and Studd actually EGGS HIM ON, demanding to be hit. Holy shit New Japan totes swiped this match! Monsoon even comments on how Arcidi doesn’t know how to use that leverage (“Because if he did… he’d have Studd flat on his back”), but Studd sells really well in the corner, then sneaks out and thumbs him in the eye.
Arcidi awkwardly goes into the other corner, but comes out with a “clothesline” (lumbers forward with his arm sticking out) and some “axehandles”, practically falling over from exertion and exhaustion. He pounds Studd down, but can’t follow up and instead puts his head down and gets booted over the top (sorta- Studd eventually has to help him). A single Baba Chop has Ted tumbling back off the apron and he takes a COLOSSAL nap (Monsoon openly wondering about his conditioning), getting booted and resting again, until he finally grabs Studd’s legs and pulls him out, and they brawl to a Count-Out at (7:02). They just keep fighting as the crowd chants “Bull shit! Bull shit!”, and Studd no-sells three shots into the post (“Ted too inexperienced to put his hands out of the way”), and whips Ted into the steps- “Arcidi appears to me to be out of gas, Alfred” sez Monsoon.
Okay, full credit to John Studd here. He’s up against a guy who’s less than worthless in the ring and can only be strong, so he builds a match AROUND that strength. Starts with a test of strength, allows no wrestling holds whatsoever, and just trades blows with him because at least Ted can’t fuck that up. But holy crap his technique was bad- he just just sorta lift his arms and flop himself onto guys, practically falling over all the while. So the match stank, but at least Studd kept it looking somewhat like a competitive bout. Monsoon was hilarious in just calling a spade a spade and questioning every aspect of Arcidi’s awful in-ring capabilities- can you imagine if we had a commentator do that today?
Rating: 1/2* (pretty awful, but Studd was somewhat impressive, having to wrestle for two)
Future ECW Tag Champions and complete washouts in the wrestling industry… come see them as jobbers and realize with horror just how much experience they had while still being completely terrible!
THE HART FOUNDATION (Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart) vs. TONY DURANTE & GARY WOLFE:
(WWF Superstars, March 4th 1989)
* Yes, it’s the Hart Foundation vs. THE PITBULLS, but like seven years before they became the team we know and forgot about from ECW. It’s just wild. They were together THAT LONG and never got any good as a duo? They actually look like a real team here, with matching gear- a yellow & black singlet for one and long black tights with yellow for the other. They’re still both roided to shreds but are small and squat compared to their opponents. Seriously who wrote Durante’s Wikipedia page listing him as 6’4″?
Bret starts off with Durante (he’s taller I think so that’s prob’ly him) and shoulderblocks him out of an international- Neidhart pounds on Durante and tosses him over to Wolfe. Neidhart immediately slams him and then bites him in the corner before bludgeoning him over to Bret- he hits his headbutt, gut-stomp & backbreaker, then Jim comes in and they hit the Hart Attack for the finish (2:41), Bret smirking and nodding at the camera. LOL those poor bastards didn’t even get a single move! Rapid tags by the Harts, though- rarely more than 30 seconds in the ring.
Rating: 1/4* (utter demolition job here, eating the guys alive)
THE FABULOUS HULK HOGAN vs. JIM DUGGAN:
(WWF, 1981)
* Oh yeah, it’s Hulk Hogan vs. a young JOBBER Jim Duggan, here with short hair, no personality, lil’ blue/red bisected trunks and a shy wave to the fans. He’s kind of “Skinny Fat” here, with a broad, hairy body but relatively skinny arms and legs. Hulk Hogan has his MASSIVE HEEL CAPE, a devilish smirk, and black trunks.
Hogan shoves Duggan back then works the arm as Vince is oddly completely silent on commentary for the first 40 seconds or so (one YouTube comment suggests this is when Howard Finkel would be put in to shill for local markets). Hogan punches him a couple times in the ropes, but Duggan fires back and Hogan resorts to an eyerake. A simple beating sets up a bodyslam & kneedrop for only a one-count, then he clubs Duggan and hits a lame backbreaker, pulling him up at two. He chokes Duggan in the ropes and hits a really bad knee smash, and finishes with the Hogan Hammer (standing clothesline) at (3:05), ending a LONG squash.
Really interesting seeing a very young Hulk Hogan do his stuff, but his move application was quite weak- nearly all his big strikes were mis-aimed or clumsy-looking, like he was falling back into Duggan on the knee and the clothesline wasn’t his running Axe Bomber but just holding his arm out and almost hooking Duggan with a weak shot with the arm held behind him. Hogan seemed to know how to act like a dick, but neither mauled Duggan (like he definitely could) nor really played up the mannerisms during the match- he just kind of blankly went through everything. He’d, uh, sort of fix the whole “charisma” thing shortly.
Rating: 1/4* (just a weak squash with poorly-applied moves and a dead crowd)
Man, 2003 was a bad year for wrestling deaths even by the usual standards of the industry. Remember when it seemed like a guy you remembered a lot died nearly every month?
MAD MIKEY vs. ALTAR BOY LUKE:
(NWA-TNA, Aug. 20th 2003)
* Oh, you knew I was gonna look up more ALTAR BOY LUKE upon seeing him. He’s a skinny indie guy who at least looks different, as he’s got a really baggy white shirt & pants on, like someone took the flared robes of an altar boy and made them two separate pieces… and put uber-2000s flare on the sides. This is his final of three matches for TNA, as I guess he was just in for a single cycle of jobs- his usual haunt seems to be NWA Wildside. And Mad Mikey is a recently-fired WWF wrestler Crash Holly, who debuted the previous month and lasts until October, which, uh… is his last month wrestling, because he dies in November. Man, remember when guys used to die THAT quickly after leaving WWE? Just crazy times. Until that point, he’d been just beating jobbers and then lost a couple tag matches. Here he’s in Crash Holly shorts but has his hair dark.
Mikey mostly just does goofy mannerisms, declaring a THUMB WAR with Luke, who loses but decks Mikey when he turns around to celebrate. Luke scores a roundhouse kick and some punches, but gets knocked off trying a superplex- Mikey extra-carefully crawls down to the mat (a signature spot) and does some WWE-style running strikes while Luke takes bumps, then Eddie Bumps him and finishes with the CST (Crash Stole This- double-arm DDT) at (2:10). Well that was quick.
Poor Luke was just sent out there as a monkey to squash, because that was short- he got all of one impressive move and then Crash went right into WWE-style (but as a babyface, more or less- the “guy gets knocked down, gets back up and clobbered back down again” stuff is really WWE-esque, but something heel opponents do) and finished him after a basic reversal.
Rating: 1/2* (um, fine but just a basic squash)
PRETTY WONDERFUL (“Pretty” Paul Roma & “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff, w/ The Assassin) vs. UNCLE FRED & MARK STARR:
(WCW Saturday Night, 1/11/1994)
* GLORIOUS!! It’s a semi-top tier WCW tag team up against “Star + Jobber”- so WCW was doing that, too! Starr is in red shorts with a boss curly mullet and Fred’s in his construction gear, now having dropped the “Shockmaster” title entirely. And yeah, he does look like he’s just some guy named “Uncle Fred”. Starr is apparently “looking so impressive” in his matches recently, which is a WCW thing I’ve noticed- “the jobber who is kind of maybe not a jobber this week”. Pretty Wonderful, combining their two arrogant body-obsessed heels, are in match blue trunks.
The only meaningful contact for the first 3 minutes is Starr winning a headlock on Orndorff, Paul freaking out about it and Heenan declaring on commentary the divorce rate is up all across the country because of Pretty Wonderful. Big test of strength with Orndorff & Fred, but Roma comes in and it’s a DOUBLE test, Fred actually putting PW on their knees and knocking them around until they double-team him, but Starr runs in and gets hoisted into booting them both down. Starr takes some shots but Fred gets the immediate tag into blasting the pretty-boys everywhere- Roma ends up in the bearhug but Orndorff comes off the top to nail him and he takes a beating. Fred gets to show off that he’s not very good at selling as they double-team him and he can only really do the “screw up his face” sell, and eventually he slugs Roma coming off the top and tags out. Starr with rookie-riffic offense to both heels as it’s dropkicks aplenty, but Orndorff nails him in the kidneys to stop a pin. He reverses a suplex but runs the ropes and awkwardly bumps into Roma, just crouching down and the piledriver finishes him at (8:51). Nice job helping, Fred.
Pretty weak match, as Starr was too much of a rookie to be good (he’d only been at it for… eight years? REALLY?) and Fred could only sell with his face, seemingly unable to use body language at all to indicate pain. They blow the first five minutes just doing tests of strength and stuff, then it’s punching and kicking till the finish, which didn’t even read that clear- Starr didn’t sell his back/kidneys so he just kinda bumps into Roma and bends over, resulting in the finish.
Rating: *1/2 (Fred pushes around the heels, Starr does jobber-fu, then screws up and gets pinned)