The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.13.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.13.91

Originally written 06.02.26

Taped from Las Vegas NV on 03.26.91, which was actually the day after Wrestlemania. I can’t take much more of this new opening and I really hope they change it back soon.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Randy Savage, joking about the tax deadline this week. Man if only there was someone who could remind us about that over and over every week!

Texas Tornado v. The Black Knight

Vince immediately makes fun of the Knight’s pecs, or lack thereof, and the announcers take turns guessing who might be under the mask. Kerry clotheslines him over the top rope a couple of times while Savage guesses Pat Patterson and then Andre the Giant. Piper: “Is it a woman?” Kerry backdrops him out of the corner and drops a knee on him, and then punches him in the gut and finishes with the tornado punch at 2:10. The poor jobber just got verbally mauled here for the whole match.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Last week, Jake the Snake tormented Earthquake for absolutely no reason and was a real dick about it. Fascinating that this silly angle actually led to a major character reinvention for Jake, a broken man slowly going crazy and then snapping completely.

The Berzerker v. Jim Kolhep

Vince gives us a quick overview of Viking history and Berzerker attacks him with headbutts and follows with a dropkick. He ties up the jobber in the ropes and boots him RIGHT IN THE MUSH and powerslams him. And we go over the top for the countout at 2:30.

Bret Hart v. Barry O

The singles push officially begins! For real this time. Bret with a bodypress for two and he goes to work on the arm, and we get an inset from Bret, who is targeting the Barbarian as his first victim. Barry stomps him down to take over and goes up with a kneedrop off the middle rope, but that misses and Bret makes a comeback and rolls him up for two. Bret with an atomic drop and backbreaker, and that sets up the debut of the SHARPSHOOTER at 2:42. Bret nailed it right out of the gate here.

The Nasty Boys v. Stephen DeLeon & Riki Ataki

Oh damn, haven’t seen Riki Ataki on one of these shows in a hot minute! Knobs beats on him in the corner to start and we get a Pit Stop, so it’s over to DeLeon and takes a pumphandle slam from Sags. We of course get an inset from the Legion of Doom, who spent the next 4 months chasing the tag team titles. Knobs with the assisted splash in the corner and they finish with the Shitty Elbow at 3:37. Macho Man is a bit offended at the gimmick theft there.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest the Ultimate Warrior! Savage is feeling a bit melancholy at seeing Warrior again after meeting the end of his career. Bearer unveils a new XXL casket for Warrior to accommodate his massive physique. Warrior has had enough of Paul and goes after him, but Undertaker attacks Warrior from behind and knocks him out with the urn, leaving him laying. And then he seals him in the casket, which does indeed have enough space for Warrior’s massive physique, locking it shut. And even Savage is getting worried now while the officials try to pry the casket open, finally drilling into it to crack it open, where they find the lifeless Warrior and have to give him CPR. Well that hits a bit differently these days. Savage is pretty worried now, but Warrior appears to be alive. Well that was quite the angle. People sure remember that one for good reason.

Tugboat v. The Brooklyn Brawler

Tugboat seems pretty happy and pumped up considering what just happened to the Warrior. I always knew he wasn’t to be trusted. Brawler hits him with a clothesline but gets nowhere with that, and Tugboat hits him with an atomic drop as the announcers are much less jovial than they were when the show started. Tugger with a slam and corner splash on the Brawler, and the big fat splash finishes at 2:00.

Meanwhile, IRS is happily working away in his office, searching for people who file their taxes late or file business deductions without itemizing their receipts. And he’ll tighten any loopholes around your neck. Actually he should have called his STF the Loophole! Not sure why they never did that.

NEXT WEEK: The Dragon! The LOD! Sgt. Slaughter! The British Bulldog! Ted Dibiase! And an update on Ultimate Warrior!