Dream Matches — page 10

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a pretty weird assortment, including a very early William Regal vs. Bryan Danielson match from all the way back in 2001!

Then it’s a great showcase of how messed-up the WWF was in 1997, as TOMMY ROGERS vs. BOBBY FULTON makes WWF RAW, because they need a Light Heavyweight Division and when Jim Cornette is on the booking committee that means putting the past-their-prime Fantastics against each other in front of a crowd who has no idea who they are to put over the idea of a division full of young death-defying high-fliers. 1997 WWF, everybody!

Then we hit the AWA in 1986 as top star Sgt. Slaughter, just getting his G.I. Joe fame takes on a very green John “The Barbarian” Nord! Then it’s over to Smoky Mountain Wrestling for a pair of Ladder Matches- one a hilariously-weaksauce house show version where the “ladder” is just a tiny stepladder, and the other a really good one in a big show for the promotion- both involve “Discarded Toys” from other companies- Tracy Smothers vs. Chris Candido! Come see Candido take the most exaggerated sell I’ve ever seen- one that would have Jim Cornette calling for a boycott if it happened today.

WILLIAM REGAL vs. “THE AMERICAN DRAGON” BRYAN DANIELSON:
(Memphis Championship Wrestling, May 5th 2001)
* Announced as the “WWF Commissioner”, Regal takes on Danielson, whom he’d have a hand in training. Bryan is unrecognizable as this fresh-faced young kid with short hair and… are those Midnight Express tights? They’re long blue tights with stars on them. Regal gives Bryan a chance to walk away, but Bryan says “I’m not a COWARD BRITON!”, which Regal actually sells like it stunned him. Bryan would get a bit better on the mic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1WI_z9xccI&t=2489s&ab_channel=signsquad

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a mish-mash of stuff, as I hit a bizarre contest from Germany, as Fit Finlay takes on DOINK THE CLOWN, Matt BorneI mean Steve Keirn, probably! Using the weird “4-minute rounds” CWA style! It’s super-weird.

Then it’s over to the WWF for a standard-issue “Dream Match” that is just Razor Ramon being super-generous in a bout against Virgil! Then over to WCW as the Steiner Brothers face Big Van Vader and Mr. Hughes in a big “Steiners Tossing Around Monsters” match that ends a lot differently than I expected! And it’s a WrestleMania rematch, as Owen Hart takes on Skinner in the latter’s final TV appearance in 1993!

Then I pack the back end of this one with the WWF Light Heavyweight Title Tournament. Most of it’s not on the free video-sharing sites in full, so I didn’t want to do a whole review just on those- WWE put up the final 2 minutes of most matches on their own YouTube channel and that’s it. But I did manage a complete review of Aguila (Essa Rios) vs. Super Loco (Super Crazy)! Also, come see indie dorks like Flash Flanagan, Devon Storm & Eric Shelley on WWF TV in 1997!

CWA INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
4 MINUTE ROUNDS:
FIT FINLAY vs. DOINK THE CLOWN:
(Wales, 17/12/1994)
* Oh yes, DOINK vs. FIT FINLAY in GERMANY. This was requested ages ago by Manjiimmortal but I forgot to put it on my To-Do List for some reason- checking an old column reminded me of it. Doink gets roundly booed, while “Mr. Fit Finlay” is wildly popular. He’s a bit skinnier than he was in WCW, with a horrible moustache and mullet. Doink I thought was Matt Borne here, given the era- his droopy clown hair gives him a creepy vibe, and the sarcastic “not gonna cheer me? SHUCKS!” reaction is what made me sure it was him, but apparently it’s Steve Keirn. The ring announcements are in German, which I mistook for Welsh as I knew Fit Finlay was a big star there, which is totally funny because I often forget that there’s people all “wwyllechw2fflewunfummuwfurwurrr” and shit over in England despite it being all English and stuff.

I was only barely paying attention to TNA during AMW’s peak, but I remember them getting a lot of hype, especially as WWE was ignoring tags at the time. I know one went on to more success and the other got fat and faded away. Was this the peak of both guys?

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I start off with a pretty notable TNA match, as their first Steel Cage Match takes place between tag team rivals Triple X (Christopher Daniels & Elix Skipper) and America’s Most Wanted (James Storm & Chris Harris)! Come see Elix Skipper be a spot machine, Daniels be smart, and AMW show how they ended up being one of the most talked-about acts of 2003!

Then it’s over to Stampede Wrestling, as we have insanity as CHRIS BENOIT & DAVEY-BOY SMITH make the same team, allying with Brian Pillman & Rob Ritchie against Makhan Singh (Bastian Booger), Volkan Singh (Gary Albright), Great Gama (whose last name is literally also “Singh”) and Larry Cameron in an ultra-clipped Elimination Tag match! And another match from “Dream Matches MVP” Blake Beverly as he takes on Virgil in Aug. 1993! And finally, it’s William Regal versus RECKLESS YOUTH, as the indie wunderkind who just copied his Japan wrestling tapes faces the soon-to-the-WWF guy in 2000!

NWA TAG TEAM TITLES:
STEEL CAGE MATCH:
TRIPLE X (“The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels & “Prime Time” Elix Skipper) vs. AMERICA’S MOST WANTED (“Cowboy” James Storm & “Wildcat” Chris Harris):
(NWA TNA, Weekly PPV 6/25/2003)
* So this is a big deal in TNA’s history- their first Steel Cage match, featuring their top two teams at the time. AMW was a big deal for them, as two singles guys got slapped together and turned into a heckuva duo, while Triple X were three of the flashiest guys at the time doing a “Freebirds Rule” gimmick- Daniels was one of the “under-utilized” guys of the time, having ****-ish matches but never getting sniffed by WWE (probably because he was both quite short AND weirdly skinny, with an elongated head & torso), while Skipper was a major spot-machine and was also stuck in TNA during its formative years, and ended up lacking the pedigree of the other fast-paced guys of the era like Low-Ki & AJ Styles, despite being more acrobatic than either. Not here is Low-Ki. Both teams were in a long-running feud over the NWA Tag Belts, Triple X being 4-0 but always due to outside interference- hence the cage match. Mike Tenay & Don West thankfully explain the whole story in the prelude. AMW are in blue trunks, and Triple X are in black shorts.

Repo Man is a veritable fountain of horrible matches that are somehow also amazingly fun to watch- a rare talent!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have another assortment of weird stuff from various promotions, starting off with a classic “Roddy gobbles up his opponent” match as “Rowdy” Roddy Piper defends his Intercontinental Title against Repo Man, in a match based around Repo swiping a ringside lady’s watch!

Following that, I finally investigate a question I’ve always had: Were Doug Basham & The Damaja actually any good? Both were bland-ass forgotten wrestlers in WWE and never made an impact on the wrestling business, but Jim Cornette adored them in OVW and I swear I’ve heard some people fanboy for them as true lost gems. As such, I check out their final match in Ohio Valley Wrestling for the OVW Title! Then it’s more of “Dream Matches MVP” Blake Beverly as he faces Mr. Perfect! Then it’s back to Dragon Gate, as I try to find more of their solo matches- this one is CIMA vs. Sumo Dandy Fuji in a Hair vs. Hair Match!

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
“ROWDY” RODDY PIPER vs. REPO MAN:
(WWF MSG, Feb. 1992)
* Oh damn! You don’t often see Roddy Piper taking on lower-midcarders- these are always totally one-sided and humiliating. I love it! Repo Man is hilariously skulking along, looking shorter than every single ring attendant despite being like 6’3″ legit, then POCKETS A LADY’S WATCH while hugging her and how did this gimmick not make millions? She’s now on camera screaming “I want my watch back, thief!” while Heenan suggests she was just behind on payments (“What’s the matter- didn’t her husband have a good enough job?”). Now the lady sics Piper on him and Monsoon backs her up (“Her husband’s a deadbeat!” cries Heenan).

I always wonder how you should rate this guy’s look. I mean he’s so big he makes 300-lb. men look like small children, so he’d be a 10/10 in “Look”… but he’s so skinny and awkward looking.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time it’s another smattering of random WWF, ECW & WCW stuff, starting with a match I had no idea existed from 1992 WCW as Cactus Jack has to try and make a match work against EL GIGANTE, the most hopeless in-ring guy to ever live! Then it’s over to ECW as Stan Hansen of all people shows up, and he’s immediately put up against jobber duo Twisted Steel & Sex Appeal!

Then a very “1993 WWF” match as Tatanka takes on Mr. Hughes! WWF’s Light Heavyweight Division heats up as heatless heel Brian Christopher gets put up against his Player Two version and future tag team partner, Scott Taylor! And finally, it’s the first-ever Scaffold Match in wrestling as Jerry Jarrett faces Don Green in Kentucky- a request since Jerry has died fairly recently.

CACTUS JACK vs. EL GIGANTE:
(WCW Pro, Jan. 18th 1992)
* Oh yeah, this is the good shit- WCW in the early ’90s isn’t the fountain of “Wait, that happened?” nonsense as other promotions but MICK FOLEY vs. JORGE GONZALEZ? That will do nicely. Cactus Jack is coming down to a slow piano version of the “Funeral March” here, while El Gigante, in his black bicycle shorts, somehow looks like a giant dork despite making his 290-lb. opponent look like a small child. Gigante’s sporting a bandage on his face owing to a scrap with Vader in Japan.

You know it’s 1997 WWF when THESE two show up!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, we have a wild assortment, as I found another Bowl Match from the WWF! A sequel to the “RAW Bowl” where everyone was in football gear, this one is classic 1997, as it’s Owen Hart & British Bulldog vs. The Godwinns vs. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs. Faarooq & Crush in a 4-way elimination tag match!

A weird mish-mash bout from 1993 WCW sees a young BABYFACE Steve Regal take on The Barbarian! More of Devon Storm and Ace Darling as they form “The Extremists” and hit WCW as a pair of jobbers against The Public Enemy! A palette cleanser from that as babyface Kona Crush takes on “Dream Matches” MVP, Blake Beverly! And we end things with a great example of the Dragon Gate style as CIMA, Dragon Kid & Susumu Yokosuka invade Pro Wrestling NOAH to face Naomichi Marufuji, Ricky Marvin & Ippei Ota!

BOWL MATCH (4 corners elimination tag, anyone can tag and must accept tags):
OWEN HART & “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY-BOY SMITH vs. THE GODWINNS (Henry O. & Phineas I. Godwinn, w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. DOUG FURNAS & PHILIP LAFON vs. THE NATION OF DOMINATION (Faarooq & Crush, w/ Clarence Mason, PG-13 & Flunkies):
(WWF Superstars, Jan. 26th 1997)
* Wait, they ran ANOTHER Bowl? All I remember was the RAW Bowl! Where they all wore football uniforms and it was actually pretty dumb! This is another from the next year, with a smattering of oddball tag teams from the era- Owen & Bulldog are the tag champs, with Furnas & LaFon (in matching blue trunks) brought in from Japan as charisma-free challengers in an attempt to combat WCW’s perception as the “workrate promotion”, probably. The Godwinns are a fading act at this point (and oddly both in matching red shirts), while the Nation are rising stars, without Savio yet, I think.

Welcome to a very special Dream Matches edition! Wherein I searched Billy Kidman and found a Psychosis match, then went back to review it and found out they fought at least seven times on TV, six of which are captured by YouTube! So I managed a whole column’s worth out of these two! It’s interesting because the first three are total throwaway bouts on lesser shows where Kidman was just one of the forgotten background Cruiserweights, indistinguishable from anyone else, then suddenly they have a really competitive one, and then it’s a big one when Kidman actually got his major push and PSYCHOSIS was the guy suffering from credibility issues! So it’s an interesting cross-section of the careers and credibility of these two wrestlers! And also watch as WCW changes the spelling of the luchadore’s name constantly!

PSYCHOSIS vs. BILLY KIDMAN:
(WCW Worldwide, July 27th 1996/WCW Prime, Aug. 12th 1996)
* Early in the WCW run of Billy Kidman, he’s a generic skinny Cruiserweight in blue tights going up against Psychosis in his most garish, awful gear- the black bodysuit with the salmon-colored abs & gold chestpiece. God that version sucks. This same match was on two different D-shows- I nearly reviewed it twice until I realized they weren’t just copying the same match… it was LITERALLY the same match.

The Brain Buster’s finish is the piledriver but Koko’s theme is Piledriver and his finisher the Brainbuster.
-YouTube comment.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I found a very odd one-off, as it’s the Brain Busters versus the makeshift team of… High Energy? Yes, it’s OWEN HART AND KOKO B. WARE, but several years early, as Owen’s the Blue Blazer and neither is in gigantic parachute pants, and they’re taking on the NWA-styled Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard!

Then it’s over to New Japan, as the IWGP Tag Team Champions, Rick & Scott Steiner, defend against the monster squad of Scott Norton & Tony “Ludvig Borga” Halme! Come see some real Hoss Style wrestling… at least until their cardio wears out! Then it’s a classic 1994 WWF match, with The 1-2-3 Kid & Thurmann “Sparky” Plugg vs. Adam Bomb & Kwang! Sting vs. Lt. James Earl Wright in 1995 WCW! And we cap things off with a jobber squash featuring Don Muraco in 1980s Florida dismantling a green rookie Barry Windham!

THE BRAIN BUSTERS (Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard, w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. KOKO B. WARE & THE BLUE BLAZER:
* !!!!!! This was mentioned in a daily thread as a fascinating unknown match, and look at it! The Brain Busters vs. High Energy… three years early! Owen Hart at this point was a masked undercard guy in light blue gear for some reason, and Koko was on the JTTS train already. The Busters, in black trunks, are so NWA they look bizarre in late ’80s WWF, but they kinda fit because of that- two guys in regular gear with regular dad-bods like good NWA stars should look. Like, WWF was so full of weird characters that this actually STOOD OUT… and thus kind of worked? I mean the whole company was guys trying to stand out so “NWA Guys” was ironically a good fit. The jobber team is listed as 70 lbs. heavier than the Busters- that doesn’t sound right.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I take a look at another tape-trader dream, as it’s the best of Michinoku Pro (minus Great Sasuke) in a big Sumo Hall 10-man that piles on the MOVEZ in a great comparison to the 2006 Dragon Gate match! It’s the fully heel Kaientai DX up against Hamada, Delfin, Tiger Mask, Gran Naniwa & Masato Yakushiji!

Then it’s a look at the bizarre debut of Tony “Ludvig Borga” Halme in New Japan, as he portrays a boxer up against a very green “Soultaker”- Charles “Papa Shango/Godfather” Wright! Then it’s a request, as Sting & Lex Luger take on the Faces of Fear  in 1996 WCW! Then I induce a lot more star power into this column, as MARTY JANNETTY takes on DUKE “THE DUMPSTER” DROESE, baby! Come see Duke almost tease a heel character before they gave up and were like “LOL no- he’s just a jobber”. And then a hilariously “1997 Indies” match on WWF RAW of all places, as Devon Storm fights Ace Darling! It’s the most indieriffic indie match imaginable, but tragically the match is cut short for time.

GRAN HAMADA, SUPER DELFIN, TIGER MASK IV, GRAN NANIWA & MASATO YAKUSHIJI vs. KAIENTAI DX (Taka Michinoku, Shoichi Funaki, Men’s Teioh, Dick Togo & Shiryu):
(Michinoku Pro, Oct. 10th 1996)
* Said to be the “MOVEZ~ Match du jour” of the late ’90s, I dunno. Holy god it’s long, though! MPro seems to be a never-ending succession of complex spots and multi-man matches, to the point where I wonder what all the solo bouts looked like (to be fair, Sasuke/Taka is good in both matches seen in North America). Delfin is a dolphin-themed comedy wrestler, Naniwa is a crab-man in blue, Tiger Mask is the fourth incarnation and the only one not cool enough to drop the gimmick and make his way on his own, and Yakushiji is… some guy I’ve never heard of. Looks like some generic dude in bad Red Ranger cosplay, and was a minor star from the looks of things, winning only some CMLL belts. Hamada, the stable leader, is the most “1980s puro guy” you’ve ever seen, with a curly mullet, plain black trunks and a dad bod. Kaientai were briefly a thing in the WWF, though Funaki stuck around for ages as a comedy jobber- here he’s thinner and in black & white pinstriped singlet. Taka’s the star of the team and looks like a 12-year old in blue shorts- he’d be the centerpiece of WWF’s failed Light Heavyweight division. Shiryu, in a blue Spider-Man-ish mask, is WCW jobber Kaz Hayashi. Men’s Teioh (no I have no idea what that means) looks kinda generic and has blond hair and trunks. Togo is the portly guy in blue tights.

Hey all! It’s an extra Dream Matches column this week as I take a look at a request and just stick a random depressing match to the end of it. LOU THESZ vs. VERNE GAGNE for the NWA World Title in 1952! Come see just how epic a heel Lou Thesz was in 1952 against a short, spunky Gagne!

Also come see the origin of the dreaded “Conway Pop” as Rob Conway debuts as a charisma-vacuum with the most horrendous theme song in the history of the business, against poor “JTTS era but in retrospect he deserved this” Val Venis!

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BEST TWO OF THREE FALLS:
LOU THESZ vs. VERNE GAGNE:
(Chicago Ampitheater, Jan. 25th 1952)
* Oh yes- it’s time. I dare to tackle what NWA Title matches looked like 70 years ago. Lou is the 233-lb. World Champion, while Gagne is his 218-lb. opponent. Best of all, it’s Russ Davis as the commentator again! This is so long ago that Vern is called “the most upstanding of the young challengers”. Both guys have mean widow’s peaks, and Lou’s hairy as all get-out with a mean dad look- Verne must be pale as hell because he’s basically reflecting the ring spotlights. You know it’s 1952 because every single man in the audience is wearing a suit. Imagine that at a wrestling event now.

PN News in his “No, I can STILL MAKE IT!” “Editing his own Wikipedia bio” phase.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a weird smorgasbord of stuff for you, as 1991 WCW sees something I’ve been missing in this column- a FAT MAN STAND-OFF as it’s future megastar Steve Austin as “Stunning” Steve teaming with Big Van Vader (still new to WCW) against midcard squad P.N. News and Z-Man (Tom Zenk)!  Then it’s the last match I could find in my “Best of Well Dunn” sequence… as Steven Dunn pops up as a SHOTGUN jobber teaming with Reno Riggins against the just-starting-to-work-it-out Hardy Boyz in 1998!

Then it’s some 1993 WWF RAW action as “Macho Man” Randy Savage faces Headshrinker Fatu in one of those “tag guy as a solo JTTS” matches! And sure enough- they do the “Savage Template”. And I take another look at Dragon Gate, as Shingo Takagi takes on BxB Hulk! Then finally it’s a request- Chris Jericho & Jim Powers vs. Rough & Ready! Yes, it’s the weirdest cross-section of WCW possible, with future legend Jericho teaming with never-was 1980s jobber Powers against washed-up Dick Slater and “Dream Matches MVP” Mike Enos!

“STUNNING” STEVE AUSTIN & BIG VAN VADER (w/ Lady Blossom) vs. P.N. NEWS & Z-MAN:
(WCW, Nov. 16th 1991)
* A crazy Dream Match featuring WCW’s biggest Monster Heel teaming with future superstar Austin, against a pair of guys who became known as joke midcard acts- News is a big fat white guy acting like a rapper while Z-Man is Tom Zenk in a midcard role. Both are in neon green to let you know what year this is- Zenk in trunks and News in a singlet. Austin’s a generic robed heel in black shorts while Vader’s got a steam-shooting helmet on but hasn’t really “completed” his act, exactly- he even takes his mask entirely off before the match.

I gotta say, I really think the white gear looks sharp. Less iconic, sure, but that’s a good look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I take a look at the first run of Hulk Hogan in the WWF, as he wrestles as a heel against the World Champion, Bob Backlund! This one is a good look at how much time you can waste to reach 30 minutes… but has one absolute motherfucker of a feat of strength from Bob Backlund, and is a true must-see.

Then it’s a look at two Harlem Heat vs. Cactus Jack & Maxx Payne matches! Cactus vs. Booker is a match we didn’t see a lot of given the ways their careers went, so that’s kinda interesting, never mind a rare shot of Payne, who didn’t seem to be around for long. The last appearance of the short-lived BattleKat in the WWF as he takes on The Barbarian! And then the “Best of Well Dunn” continues, as Steven Dunn gets “tag guy as singles jobber” duties against Duke “The Dumpster” Droese!

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BOB BACKLUND vs. HULK HOGAN:
(WWF, 4-12-1980)
* Oh yes, it’s Hulk Hogan in his pre-“Rock ‘n’ Wrestling” era self as a nasty heel challenging the World Champion, Bob Backlund. Hogan looks so, so damn young compared to even a few years later, still sporting a receding hairline but having a long blond mane. And damn, I LOVE those all-white trunks & boots- the yellow is so iconic and stands out more, but this is such an eye-popping look. Bob’s in the usual red trunks, and gets a HUGE reaction from this Philadelphia crowd, though at least one “Heel Fan” is heard loudly booing on camera.

Called “Wrestling’s Most Influential Match Ever”… and that just might be true. For better or worse.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one has an amazing match to start us off- “The Flair/Steamboat of MOVEZ Matches” as I’ve heard it described, as two Dragon Gate teams face off at Ring of Honor Supercard of Honor 2006! Come watch the match the U.S. indie/AEW style has been chasing for the last 17 years, and come listen to me ramble about just WHY they can’t quite seem to catch it!

And of course I follow it up with matches featuring the Beverly Brothers and Well Dunn! This time, it’s the Beverly Brothers versus BABYFACE Nasty Boys, during Knobs & Sags’ latter period in the WWF. After that, it’s Well Dunn being fed to the new babyface duo of the Allied Powers- Lex Luger & The British Bulldog! And finally we end with a request from my “Wrestlers Slaughtering Jobbers” column, as it’s Rob Van Dam accidentally splattering Kurt Angle’s mouth all over the place, leading to Kurt being out on his feet and bleeding buckets.

DRAGON GATE RULES (no tags necessary)
DO FIXER (Ryo Saito, Genki Horiguchi & Dragon Kid) vs. BLOOD GENERATION (CIMA, Masato Yoshino & Naruki Doi):
(Ring of Honor, Supercard of Honor 2006)
* Okay, so here’s another request, and it’s said to be a MOVEZ match from Dragon Gate (the former Toryumon)- you have been warned!! I know jack shit about any of these people but one so bear with me- I’m on the Pro Wrestling Wiki copying movesets so I at least know what’s what (jesus CIMA’s moveset is like a mile long). Saito’s a pretty “typical puro heel” with the dyed hair, toned body and bisected shorts. Genki’s got long tights in black & yellow and wears a shirt in the ring. Dragon Kid looks like Ultimo Dragon shrank in the wash, and was the “flippy guy du jour” in the business for a while. He’s in lime green and is skinny with no definition whatsoever. Yoshino’s got a ridiculously toned body with a weirdly skinny waist, like he’s sucking it in so he’s all ribcage- he’s in long black shorts. Doi’s just like Saito, but with black trunks. CIMA’s a pretty famous dude, having wrestled all over (even as a jobber in WCW)- his black shorts have tons of tassels and he gets by far the biggest reaction.

Scott Steiner and the LOD would watch this and be like “Shitting hell, ease it up a bit”.

Welcome back to more of wrestlers brutally abusing jobbers! This time I have TWO requests from Maffew, and matches featuring the four gods of taking liberties- the Steiner Brothers and the Legion of Doom! One has the guy fighting the LOD getting a big head about his position and no-selling, while the other is a standard Steiner Brothers squash, but their very first on WWF TV! Then Shelton Benjamin gets a fantastic squash by ragdolling Colin Delaney around like a video game physics engine gone mad!

Then it’s an SWS match, as Yoshiaki Fujiwara (aka the guy who made that armbar everyone uses today famous) effortlessly squashes a member of the Viet Cong Express from Stampede Wrestling, embarrassing him in the “shoot style”. And then it’s one of the most brutal beatings in WWF history, as AJA KONG from All Japan Women’s Wrestling comes to WWF RAW and beats the ever-loving shit out of Chaparrita ASARI to the point that VINCE McMAHON drops insider lingo on commentary about “Potatoes being thrown around the ring”.

THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. KEN LUCAS & ZULU:
(AWA, Dec. 12th 1984)
* A request from Maffew, this one sees the LOD take on two guys I’ve never heard of- Zulu has a WWF superstar look (taller than either Warrior) but a receding hairline, and is an otherwise normal-looking black dude in red trunks. Lucas is an itty-bitty dwarfish man with a dad-bod and black trunks, and was apparently out of semi-retirement for this one, and wasn’t used to being treated like a jobber. Oh, “Huffy jobber” matches are always a mess. Cagematch says he debuted in *1960* and his finisher was an ABDOMINAL STRETCH if you wanna realize just what kind of an era he was from.

So with the sad news of Lanny Poffo’s passing, a couple people recommended I review Hogan/Genius, given it was Poffo’s peak in the business- I figured I’d make a special short Friday Dream Matches column out of it, getting that and his one PPV match- The Genius vs. Brutus Beefcake from the 1990 Royal Rumble (with an all-time quip from Jesse Ventura)! Also I’ll toss in one of his last WWF bouts (in fact, I’m sure it’s his last TV match), as he teams up with his charges the Beverly Brothers against Max Moon & High Energy!

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
HULK HOGAN vs. THE GENIUS:
(WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event, Oct. 31st 1989)
* This is a bizarre one- a total mismatch featuring Hogan going up against the former “Leapin'” Lanny Poffo, a low-tier babyface with a penchant for acrobatic moves like the futuristic “Moonsault”, now reimagined as a mincing, effeminate heel (I’ve heard tell this was Lanny’s idea to avoid getting fired). Hulk Hogan and his cocainey best proclaims to Mean Gene that “if he’s so darn smart, how come he doesn’t know that mathematically, he can’t win, brother?” See, it turns out that the “three demandments” (training/prayer/vitamins), plus the 24 inch pythons, times the millions of Hulkamaniacs = Victory. Dang he’s as good at math as Steiner. Good diction too, as he sputters “POETIC PROWESS?!” at Mean Gene’s assertion. Then counters with a Longfellowian poem “Roses are red/violets are blue/the Hulkster’s a wrestler- Genius WHAT ARE YOU?!”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time around, we have a major NWA Title main event, as Harley Race defends the belt against ANDRE THE GIANT in Houston, Texas! It’s a good look at the way the NWA belt was defended in the U.S., and a good look at how the “NWA Style” was modified around a challenger like Andre, who wasn’t a technical marvel but was huge. Also, HARLEY SLAMS ANDRE!

Then it’s over to the AWA as Bruiser Brody & Nord the Barbarian (The Berzerker) team up against Verne Gagne’s son Greg and “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka in a Steel Cage Match! Over to 1993 WWF for a very “1993 WWF” match as a newly-returned Marty Jannetty takes on fading heel Papa Shango! And finally, it’s one of the most horrifyingly stiff matches in WWF history, as Faarooq & Bradshaw decided to beat a lesson into The Public Enemy in what turns out to be their last WWF match.

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BEST TWO OF THREE FALLS:
HARLEY RACE vs. ANDRE THE GIANT:
(Houston, January 7th 1979)
* Oh yeah, it’s some old-school ANDRE THE GIANT content this time around. This is back when the Giant was still a guy travelling to different regions fighting everyone’s top guys, before Vince wanted him to stay put. Andre before he had a massive gut and could wear red trunks without looking horrifying, and Harley with his “Scary Uncle” facial hair and big beer belly. Andre has twice the body mass, though.

The Undertaker & Paul Bearer. In 1987. I had no idea.

I found more Jobber squashes! A combination of stiff squashes, huge botches that go on to be legends (everyone familiar with Triple H knows THIS one), and basic worked ass-kickings combine as we look at some of the bigger squashes you’ll see. I missed Maffew’s requests until I was done writing this one, but I can get to those next week!

So yes, come see one of the most notorious finisher botches around as Hunter Hearst-Helmsely faces Marty Garner! A great squash with scrawny, pasty geek Colin Delaney on WWE’s version of ECW getting annihilated by Bid Daddy V after the funniest “aw golly gee whiz” jobber promo ever! Rick Steiner doing his best to annihilate the big, burly Bubba Howard in WCW! And then it’s an all-time squash as Big Van Vader hits UWF-International in Japan and absolutely murders Tatsuo Nakano in a worked-shoot squash!

Also a rare shot of a JOBBER UNDERTAKER, as Mark Calaway does a rookie gimmick as “Texas Red”, a masked muscleman, as he jobs to Bruiser Brody… and unwisely starts CALLING SPOTS and fighting too rough with the grumpy veteran. And then the time Rick Rude splattered Jim Powers’s face with a flying ass slam

HUNTER HEARST-HELMSELY (w/ Regina Evans) vs. MARTY GARNER:
(WWF Superstars, 6/1/96)
* Another famous botch in this one. HHH at this point was being led to the ring by a different floozie every night (usually a local model, which they always take great care to name on-camera)- this time he actually makes out with her, which I don’t remember seeing much of. Garner is a skinny tanned guy with a ponytail and goatee- I love the pink & white tights, haha. Helmsley at this point was fairly tall and lanky-looking, with a far softer physique than his bloated roid one in later years. This is right around when he started getting punished for his part in the “Curtain Call”, as he’s about to fight Jake Roberts in the King of the Ring tournament on RAW.

Bam Bam Bigelow had a LOT of potentially huge runs in him, but something about him rubbed a ton of high-level people in wrestling the wrong way.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I’ve found two bouts from a Madison Square Garden card before the Hogan/Andre match for the Title, as Hogan teams up with his newest buddy, Bam Bam Bigelow, against Ted DiBiase and VIRGIL in a rare in-ring appearance for the Million Dollar Man’s bodyguard! Come watch a tour de force of heel selling by DiBiase, and just how jacked Virgil was in 1988. Following that it’s “The Rock”… Don Muraco vs. The One Man Gang in a match that looks more like the Gang was angling for another push.

Then it’s a bizarre request, as it’s the Battle of the Forgotten 1992 JTTS Gimmicks, as “Terrific” Terry Taylor and Lance Cassidy (Steve Armstrong in a cowboy gimmick) battle it out and kill time in epic fashion! Then it’s more of the Best of Well Dunn, as they actually make the spring of 1995, taking on the brand-new Blu Twins, Jacob & Eli!

HULK HOGAN & BAM BAM BIGELOW (w/ Oliver Humperdink) vs. “THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN” TED DIBIASE & VIRGIL (w/ Andre the Giant):
(WWF in MSG, Jan. 1988)
* The Million Dollar Corporation EXPLODES as DiBiase & Bam Bam face each other… four years before BBB became part of one of the worst stables of all time. Here, Bigelow is still a top-ranked “Hogan Buddy” before his own attitude and politics would jettison the thousands of $$$ he’d have made betraying his pal later in the year, and Hogan is still World Champion. At this point, Virgil was only barely trained and only occasionally wrestled on TV- here he’s in long red tights and HOLY SHIT was he jacked in 1988. Like he maybe has the best physique in the company.

Mr. Hughes was a guy who showed up in WCW and the WWF yet never got above “midcarder” despite his size. He’s become a more respected trainer, with trainees include AEW’s A.R. Fox & Kiera Hogan, plus Heath Slater, Dexter Lumis, Jonathan Gresham & Apollo Crews.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a pretty crazy assortment of stuff, leading off WCW as Sting & The Steiner Brothers face Big Van Vader, Cactus Jack & Mr. Hughes! Then it’s the British Bulldogs in 1989 All Japan, as they take on the Malenko Brothers- Joe and future star Dean! Then the insanity of WWF Shotgun Saturday Night‘s debut, as they wrestle in a tiny ring in a dark New York nightclub… it’s The Godwinns vs. The Flying Nuns! Yeah, the Headbangers in a one-off weirdo gimmick that I still don’t understand the point of. Then finally, it’s more of “The Best of Well Dunn” as they take on Virgil & Steve Fox. Yes, poor Virgil gets stuck with the “teaming with jobber” duties.

STING & THE STEINER BROTHERS (Rick & Scott Steiner) vs. BIG VAN VADER, CACTUS JACK & MR. HUGHES (w/ Harley Race):
(WCW The Main Event, Feb 9th 1992)
* Oh hell yes!! What a bizarre mish-mash of guys! The top babyfaces of WCW against the top heel, the wild brawler Cactus, and the weird flash in the pan Mr. Hughes, who bounced around various companies, never mattering in any of them. Vader’s in the usual red & Black, Cactus is in mostly black, Hughes has his trademark white dress shirt, black slacks and sunglasses, while Sting’s in white, Rick’s in a multicolored paint-splatter singlet & Scott’s in a black/green one.

What ’80s jobbers see every time they close their eyes.

Hey look! I’m back with more horrific squashes! I was intending last week’s thing to be a one-off as I couldn’t otherwise think of what to do with those bouts (they’re hardly Dream Matches), but people noted a whole ton more! So here we are with Volume 2!

This week: The Legion of Doom rapidly tire of a fat jobber’s inability to take a clothesline right! Rick Rude in a famous bout where he works REALLY tight with poor Mark Starr! The Moondogs have way too much fun abusing the job guys of Memphis, Tennessee! Oh, and the time the Beverly Brothers absolutely murdered a poor bastard with the Shaker Heights Spike. We end with Paul Orndorff absolutely slaughtering a jobber in a way that looks more vicious than it actually was, then hits one of the greatest delusional heel promos in history immediately following it!

THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ “Precious” Paul Ellering) vs. RON ROSSI & GEORGE SOUTH:
(NWA World Wide Wrestling, June 22nd 1985)
* From way, way back, comes the early days of the Road Warriors, when they were in plain black tights and had more colorful facepaint. Hawk says “we don’t got nothin’ but rippling muscle, with which we are going to tear the Russians apart” which is a tremendous combination of “English Major” and “uneducated moron” grammar. Animal just screams “WE HATE RUSSIANS!”. They’re actually mentioned as being the AWA Tag Champs despite this being an NWA show. And now it’s time to destroy some jobbers. Both have amazing jobber looks- South’s pasty and hairy with a curly 1985 mullet and ‘stache, while Rossi’s just a big chubby guy. Both are in black trunks.