Dream Matches — page 10

So with the sad news of Lanny Poffo’s passing, a couple people recommended I review Hogan/Genius, given it was Poffo’s peak in the business- I figured I’d make a special short Friday Dream Matches column out of it, getting that and his one PPV match- The Genius vs. Brutus Beefcake from the 1990 Royal Rumble (with an all-time quip from Jesse Ventura)! Also I’ll toss in one of his last WWF bouts (in fact, I’m sure it’s his last TV match), as he teams up with his charges the Beverly Brothers against Max Moon & High Energy!

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
HULK HOGAN vs. THE GENIUS:
(WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event, Oct. 31st 1989)
* This is a bizarre one- a total mismatch featuring Hogan going up against the former “Leapin'” Lanny Poffo, a low-tier babyface with a penchant for acrobatic moves like the futuristic “Moonsault”, now reimagined as a mincing, effeminate heel (I’ve heard tell this was Lanny’s idea to avoid getting fired). Hulk Hogan and his cocainey best proclaims to Mean Gene that “if he’s so darn smart, how come he doesn’t know that mathematically, he can’t win, brother?” See, it turns out that the “three demandments” (training/prayer/vitamins), plus the 24 inch pythons, times the millions of Hulkamaniacs = Victory. Dang he’s as good at math as Steiner. Good diction too, as he sputters “POETIC PROWESS?!” at Mean Gene’s assertion. Then counters with a Longfellowian poem “Roses are red/violets are blue/the Hulkster’s a wrestler- Genius WHAT ARE YOU?!”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time around, we have a major NWA Title main event, as Harley Race defends the belt against ANDRE THE GIANT in Houston, Texas! It’s a good look at the way the NWA belt was defended in the U.S., and a good look at how the “NWA Style” was modified around a challenger like Andre, who wasn’t a technical marvel but was huge. Also, HARLEY SLAMS ANDRE!

Then it’s over to the AWA as Bruiser Brody & Nord the Barbarian (The Berzerker) team up against Verne Gagne’s son Greg and “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka in a Steel Cage Match! Over to 1993 WWF for a very “1993 WWF” match as a newly-returned Marty Jannetty takes on fading heel Papa Shango! And finally, it’s one of the most horrifyingly stiff matches in WWF history, as Faarooq & Bradshaw decided to beat a lesson into The Public Enemy in what turns out to be their last WWF match.

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BEST TWO OF THREE FALLS:
HARLEY RACE vs. ANDRE THE GIANT:
(Houston, January 7th 1979)
* Oh yeah, it’s some old-school ANDRE THE GIANT content this time around. This is back when the Giant was still a guy travelling to different regions fighting everyone’s top guys, before Vince wanted him to stay put. Andre before he had a massive gut and could wear red trunks without looking horrifying, and Harley with his “Scary Uncle” facial hair and big beer belly. Andre has twice the body mass, though.

The Undertaker & Paul Bearer. In 1987. I had no idea.

I found more Jobber squashes! A combination of stiff squashes, huge botches that go on to be legends (everyone familiar with Triple H knows THIS one), and basic worked ass-kickings combine as we look at some of the bigger squashes you’ll see. I missed Maffew’s requests until I was done writing this one, but I can get to those next week!

So yes, come see one of the most notorious finisher botches around as Hunter Hearst-Helmsely faces Marty Garner! A great squash with scrawny, pasty geek Colin Delaney on WWE’s version of ECW getting annihilated by Bid Daddy V after the funniest “aw golly gee whiz” jobber promo ever! Rick Steiner doing his best to annihilate the big, burly Bubba Howard in WCW! And then it’s an all-time squash as Big Van Vader hits UWF-International in Japan and absolutely murders Tatsuo Nakano in a worked-shoot squash!

Also a rare shot of a JOBBER UNDERTAKER, as Mark Calaway does a rookie gimmick as “Texas Red”, a masked muscleman, as he jobs to Bruiser Brody… and unwisely starts CALLING SPOTS and fighting too rough with the grumpy veteran. And then the time Rick Rude splattered Jim Powers’s face with a flying ass slam

HUNTER HEARST-HELMSELY (w/ Regina Evans) vs. MARTY GARNER:
(WWF Superstars, 6/1/96)
* Another famous botch in this one. HHH at this point was being led to the ring by a different floozie every night (usually a local model, which they always take great care to name on-camera)- this time he actually makes out with her, which I don’t remember seeing much of. Garner is a skinny tanned guy with a ponytail and goatee- I love the pink & white tights, haha. Helmsley at this point was fairly tall and lanky-looking, with a far softer physique than his bloated roid one in later years. This is right around when he started getting punished for his part in the “Curtain Call”, as he’s about to fight Jake Roberts in the King of the Ring tournament on RAW.

Bam Bam Bigelow had a LOT of potentially huge runs in him, but something about him rubbed a ton of high-level people in wrestling the wrong way.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I’ve found two bouts from a Madison Square Garden card before the Hogan/Andre match for the Title, as Hogan teams up with his newest buddy, Bam Bam Bigelow, against Ted DiBiase and VIRGIL in a rare in-ring appearance for the Million Dollar Man’s bodyguard! Come watch a tour de force of heel selling by DiBiase, and just how jacked Virgil was in 1988. Following that it’s “The Rock”… Don Muraco vs. The One Man Gang in a match that looks more like the Gang was angling for another push.

Then it’s a bizarre request, as it’s the Battle of the Forgotten 1992 JTTS Gimmicks, as “Terrific” Terry Taylor and Lance Cassidy (Steve Armstrong in a cowboy gimmick) battle it out and kill time in epic fashion! Then it’s more of the Best of Well Dunn, as they actually make the spring of 1995, taking on the brand-new Blu Twins, Jacob & Eli!

HULK HOGAN & BAM BAM BIGELOW (w/ Oliver Humperdink) vs. “THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN” TED DIBIASE & VIRGIL (w/ Andre the Giant):
(WWF in MSG, Jan. 1988)
* The Million Dollar Corporation EXPLODES as DiBiase & Bam Bam face each other… four years before BBB became part of one of the worst stables of all time. Here, Bigelow is still a top-ranked “Hogan Buddy” before his own attitude and politics would jettison the thousands of $$$ he’d have made betraying his pal later in the year, and Hogan is still World Champion. At this point, Virgil was only barely trained and only occasionally wrestled on TV- here he’s in long red tights and HOLY SHIT was he jacked in 1988. Like he maybe has the best physique in the company.

Mr. Hughes was a guy who showed up in WCW and the WWF yet never got above “midcarder” despite his size. He’s become a more respected trainer, with trainees include AEW’s A.R. Fox & Kiera Hogan, plus Heath Slater, Dexter Lumis, Jonathan Gresham & Apollo Crews.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a pretty crazy assortment of stuff, leading off WCW as Sting & The Steiner Brothers face Big Van Vader, Cactus Jack & Mr. Hughes! Then it’s the British Bulldogs in 1989 All Japan, as they take on the Malenko Brothers- Joe and future star Dean! Then the insanity of WWF Shotgun Saturday Night‘s debut, as they wrestle in a tiny ring in a dark New York nightclub… it’s The Godwinns vs. The Flying Nuns! Yeah, the Headbangers in a one-off weirdo gimmick that I still don’t understand the point of. Then finally, it’s more of “The Best of Well Dunn” as they take on Virgil & Steve Fox. Yes, poor Virgil gets stuck with the “teaming with jobber” duties.

STING & THE STEINER BROTHERS (Rick & Scott Steiner) vs. BIG VAN VADER, CACTUS JACK & MR. HUGHES (w/ Harley Race):
(WCW The Main Event, Feb 9th 1992)
* Oh hell yes!! What a bizarre mish-mash of guys! The top babyfaces of WCW against the top heel, the wild brawler Cactus, and the weird flash in the pan Mr. Hughes, who bounced around various companies, never mattering in any of them. Vader’s in the usual red & Black, Cactus is in mostly black, Hughes has his trademark white dress shirt, black slacks and sunglasses, while Sting’s in white, Rick’s in a multicolored paint-splatter singlet & Scott’s in a black/green one.

What ’80s jobbers see every time they close their eyes.

Hey look! I’m back with more horrific squashes! I was intending last week’s thing to be a one-off as I couldn’t otherwise think of what to do with those bouts (they’re hardly Dream Matches), but people noted a whole ton more! So here we are with Volume 2!

This week: The Legion of Doom rapidly tire of a fat jobber’s inability to take a clothesline right! Rick Rude in a famous bout where he works REALLY tight with poor Mark Starr! The Moondogs have way too much fun abusing the job guys of Memphis, Tennessee! Oh, and the time the Beverly Brothers absolutely murdered a poor bastard with the Shaker Heights Spike. We end with Paul Orndorff absolutely slaughtering a jobber in a way that looks more vicious than it actually was, then hits one of the greatest delusional heel promos in history immediately following it!

THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ “Precious” Paul Ellering) vs. RON ROSSI & GEORGE SOUTH:
(NWA World Wide Wrestling, June 22nd 1985)
* From way, way back, comes the early days of the Road Warriors, when they were in plain black tights and had more colorful facepaint. Hawk says “we don’t got nothin’ but rippling muscle, with which we are going to tear the Russians apart” which is a tremendous combination of “English Major” and “uneducated moron” grammar. Animal just screams “WE HATE RUSSIANS!”. They’re actually mentioned as being the AWA Tag Champs despite this being an NWA show. And now it’s time to destroy some jobbers. Both have amazing jobber looks- South’s pasty and hairy with a curly 1985 mullet and ‘stache, while Rossi’s just a big chubby guy. Both are in black trunks.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a hell of a find- a Mirror Match between Bruiser Brody and the guy who lifted all his stuff- Nord the Barbarian! Turns out they were old tag partners and occasional opponents, making that less of a theft and more of a “trainee” thing! But come see a mega-roided future Berzerker take on his elder self in Windy City Wrestling in 1988!

Next up, I have the most “1994” match ever, as Adam Bomb and the Smoking Gunns take on Kwang & Well Dunn- the Wippleman Dream Team. Next up is “Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich in his final televised WWF match against the Repo Man! Finally, I knock out a lucha match I reviewed ages ago as El Hijo Del Santo, Latin Lover & Heavy Metal face La Parka, Fuerza Guerrera & Blue Panther!

KING KONG BRUISER BRODY vs. NORD THE BARBARIAN:
(Windy City Wrestling, 1988?)
* !!!!!!!!!!! Completely wild! Bruiser Brody, shortly before he died, and he’s up against the guy who lifted nearly all his shit in John Nord (aka The Berzerker). They were actually tag partners in 1986 AWA, mentioned here, so it’s actually somewhat natural that Nord became one of the “Brody Clones”. The video quality here is NOT good, but Brody has black trunks and longer hair, and is less toned than a 25-ish Nord, who has short curly hair and brown trunks.

THE BEST OF WRESTLERS SLAUGHTERING JOBBERS:
* Okay, so there’s a long, proud history of wrestlers taking liberties with job guys who piss them off for some reason, so I figured I’d find a handful of them. I can only imagine at the backstories to some of this- wrestlers being giant liars and all, it’s tricky to find out just WHY some of these dudes apparently had to die, but boy you can tell when it happens.

KOKO WARE vs. THE MASKED PATRIOT:
(Memphis, 1985)
* An infamous one where Koko just trucks a guy. Koko’s short, squat and muscular in red tights with white trunks over them, and the jobber is some pasty white guy in a blue singlet and a red mask & trunks, with white boots. Well I guess he has the colors, but he’s too cheap to buy stars for his gear?

Truly a main event in any arena in the country!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one is a pretty wild assortment of mostly tag team matches, but I start off with a request, as the eternally underrated Mike Enos spends the last of his WWF career doing jobs as a solo act, as he’s one of the few “name” guys send to job to the new 1-2-3 Kid! Come see good ol’ Blake Beverly pull out some very unique offense for 1993 WWF against the hot young star!

Then we hit another 1993 oddity, as the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express invade the WWF to take on Well Dunn! They wrestle a pretty classic example of a “Southern Tag Match”, probably owing to the heels being part of Smoky Mountain Wrestling at the time as well. We get the second match in a week of Terry & Dory Funk vs. Stan Hansen & Bruiser Brody from All Japan as well- a sequel to a match from last week’s column! And finally, it’s another request: “Dirty” Dick Slater & Bunkhouse Buck vs. Men At Work! A jobber duo of Chris Kanyon (pre-Mortis) and Mark Starr doing their duties on the D-shows against a heel team just about to be done.

THE 1-2-3 KID vs. BLAKE BEVERLY:
(WWF RAW, July 5th 1993)
* A request! And a great “wow, that happened?” match, as the 1-2-3 Kid’s run was just starting, and I do NOT remember his career crossing over with that of the Beverlies. This was when Blake (Mike Enos) was kicking around for a couple months as a solo act, in that “Kato” role as “a guy we’re pretending is an actual star so you can be tricked into thinking this is a real Featured Match between stars instead of a jobber match”. A big dude, Blake looked merely average-sized in the monstrous WWF, and had no charisma, so he was sunk, no matter how surprisingly good he was. The Kid has MASSIVELY cheap gear on, a blue singlet covered in numbers and “KID” in giant ’90s yellow writing.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a bunch off stuff, led off by Bret Hart vs. The Berzerker for the WWF Title! After that, it’s a request for the Motor City Machine Guns (Sabin & Shelley) vs. Finn Balor & Ryusuke Taguchi for the IWGP Jr. Tag Titles in New Japan! I also check the Funk/Hansen feud again, as it’s Terry & Dory Funk vs. Stan Hansen & Bruiser Brody! And the best of Well Dunn continues, as they get a shot at the WWF Tag Team Titles, as they face Fatu & Samu- the Headshrinkers!

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
BRET “HITMAN” HART vs. THE BERZERKER (w/ Mr. Fuji):
(WWF Wrestling Challenge, Nov. 1992)
* Bret Hart defends his newly-won WWF Title against the Berzerker in Regina, Saskatchewan, proving himself to be the “Fightingest Champion in WWF History”, as his M.O. at the time was to build credibility and respect by a constant stream of TV wins over the entire lower and midcard. As he had recently been just an IC-tier guy, it was pretty brilliant, especially as a key component of his act was being a more “human” guy in a world of cartoons, and his best aspect was his in-ring skill vs. his promos- this could then be shown off more often.

Rick Rude, Ultimate Warrior & Chris Masters were all “Physique Guys”, but none of them could have ACTUALLY won Mr. Universe. Atlas… actually could have. His “Mr. USA” nickname was actually a shoot- he really won that competition (thrice!).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time- a request, as The Incredible Hulk Hogan takes on “Mr. USA” Tony Atlas in two different matches in 1981! This is a heel Hulk Hogan and Atlas, one of the most authentically “Mr. Universe”-ready wrestlers of all time. I’ve never seen Atlas in his athletic prime, so here I’ll see if he’s any good (um… haha)!

Also up is another part of the legendary “Tape Trading For Sabu” series, as he takes on Chris Candido again in a Ladder Match! WrestleMania X saw an ass-ton of Ladder Matches in its wake and this was… one of them. Then it’s more Well Dunn goodness, as they team up with BLAKE BEVERLY to take on Tatanka & The Steiner Brothers! Yeah, early in their run, they’re set up to die by teaming with a solo tag wrestler against actually pushed acts. And finally, I throw in Papa Shango vs. The Repo Man in a rare Heel vs. Heel featured match on WWF TV!

THE INCREDIBLE HULK HOGAN (w/ Classy Freddie Blassie) vs. “MR. USA” TONY ATLAS:
(March 16th 1981)
* This is a feud from the 1981 run of Hulk Hogan in the WWF, back when he was a smirking heel under Blassie. In a separate YouTube video, Atlas gives a good, if stumbly, “humble babyface” promo where he talks about how he loves working out, but wrestling is more than big muscles and you have to know your way around the ring, then Vince badgers him into posing to show off said big muscles. He indeed has monstrous arms and a huge chest, with a pretty small (if under-toned) waist. Skips leg day, though. But in comes Hogan & Blassie- Hogan, in a much less gravelly voice than I’m used to, talks down the physique of “this brown clown right here”, then repeatedly tells the “boy” that he can’t even shine his shoes- Tony shoves him back, proclaiming “My momma didn’t raise no BOY- she raised a 6’2″ 250-lb. MAN!” and it’s on.

Boy, I hope you guys like Well Dunn, because I went on a tear of YouTube clips featuring the lowest-tier heel team in WWF history! My god, they faced the Blus, Headshrinkers, and did all sorts of trios matches! This column will be a veritable “Best of Well Dunn”! I bet you can’t WAIT!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I fill this one with a handful of oddities today, as we get an ever-rare “Bret & Owen Hart in a tag team” match, as they dress like a real tag team and take on an actual team in the bottom-tier Well Dunn shortly before the “Hart Brothers vs. Not-Jerry Lawler and His Knights” Survivor Series match!

After that, it’s a follow-up to last week’s column, as Terry Funk & Stan Hansen meet each other again, this time with Dory Funk Jr. backing up his brother and Terry Gordy backing up Stan! Then it’s something that’s apparently an old tape-trader classic, as the “Gotta get all the Sabu matches we can find!” days saw a lot of Sabu vs. Chris Candido matches on fancams! Oh, and I didn’t want this to be only three matches long, so I stick in a WCW Prime jobber match- “Dirty” Dick Slater & Bunkhouse Buck vs. Los Especialistas! I was hoping they’d be some interesting Luchadores… but no.

BRET & OWEN HART vs. WELL DUNN (Timothy Well & Steven Dunn, w/ Harvey Whippleman):
(WWF Wrestling Challenge, Nov 14th 1993)
* Hahahaha HELL YES, couldn’t find Harts vs. Steiners on YouTube, but I have THIS! Well Dunn were two indie tag guys just slapped in singlets with goofy thongs over top and thrown out there to die as a “Fake Featured” tag team that just jobbed to all the top ones. I didn’t realize they’d been fed to the Harts. They’re in black singlets & purple thongs this week, and hey, wasn’t Well in better shape? He looks pasty and with no physique here. Of more interest is the Hart Brothers’ matching outfits- Bret’s in all pink (his regular look temporarily) and Owen’s in all BLUE, dropping his parachute pants and lacking the black singlet he’d later wear for the rest of his life. For “Gear Nerds” like me, that’s a very unique look, especially as a duo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2pH7B_NoK0&t=858s&ab_channel=PavelDurak

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time I have a hell of a brawl for you, as Terry Funk shows just why he may be the greatest seller of all time in a brutal bloodbath against the monstrous Stan Hansen in 1983 All Japan!

I’ll also get to another request, as I visit two Attitude Era matches featuring the Hardy Boyz vs. Too Cool, back when Too Cool was a reliable “Secondary Contender” team in the very heated WWF tag team ranks! Also, a sequel to one of my “Halloween Eve” reviews, as Damian 666, El Espectro Jr., Karis La Momia (a mummy!) & Halloween take on Pierroth Jr. and three Villanos! And finally, I throw in one last Kurasawa (Manabu Nakanishi in WCW) match, as I find him facing Sting in a long WCW Saturday Night contest!

STAN HANSEN vs. TERRY FUNK:
(All Japan, 1983)
* Ohhhhhhh yeah- I’ve seen very little 1980s AJPW, but Terry & Hansen were HUGE back in the day, with the crowds adoring them beyond all other foreign wrestlers. Terry had an emotional connection with the fans, while Hansen just had them in a combination of amusement and awe. The crowd absolutely mobs Terry when he comes down, but holy god to they part ways for STAN, who swings wildly and blindly. Both guys are in black trunks, with Stan dwarfing Terry- it’s so weird seeing Funk with big muscles, though- my only memories are of him as this old man. He’s still giving up a LOT of mass to the burly Hansen, though.

Davey Boy Smith was certainly a powerhouse! The British Bulldog lifts Big Van Vader and Mabel!
byu/CaliSasuke inSquaredCircle

Rope-assisted or not, JESUS CHRIST.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This one I have a varied set of tag matches, interspersed with a terrible singles match! We start off with a random TV tag match between the newly-heel Men on a Mission and the Allied Powers (Lex Luger & British Bulldog), largely inessential save for one of the absolute motherfuckingest strength spots I’ve ever seen in wrestling on the part of Davey-Boy.

I also take an interesting look at the mentor figures of two guys we’re a lot more familiar with outside of Mexico, as it’s Rey Mysterio & Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Fuerza & Juventud Guerrera! Yes, our beloved Rey with his uncle, teaming up against a very young Juice and his own dad (who was a POWER wrestler, believe it or not!). Then it’s a request, as the “Million Dollar Corporation” gets a prelude as Ted DiBiase takes on Nikolai Volkoff in 1990 for one of Volkoff’s last matches before he left for a while. And finally, we have the last few minutes of a semi-infamous Hart Foundation vs. Legion of Doom match- an all-time Dream Match that Bret says was ruined by Hawk downing some somas immediately beforehand. It’s mostly interesting as an historical curiosity (and for a pretty great finish, actually).

MEN ON A MISSION (Mabel & Mo) vs. THE ALLIED POWERS (Lex Luger & British Bulldog):
(WWF TV, May 14th 1995)
* A wild match setting up the newly-heel Men on a Mission (pre-King Mabel) against the Allied Powers- a “Superteam” of sorts that just never got that big push. The M.O.M. have shifted their gear to add black to the purple & gold scheme, while Lex & Bulldog are in matching red white & blue gear with their own flags.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScrEGO51RJg&t=193s&ab_channel=NLWrestlingArchive

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a huge “Wait, THAT happened?” match, as the BRITISH BULLDOGS face the ROCK ‘N’ ROLL EXPRESS! In the AWA. And it goes… well, let’s see why this isn’t a tape trading legend, why don’t we?

Next up, I continue my look at Manabu Nakanishi in WCW, as “Kurasawa” takes his martial arts to the “Macho Man” Randy Savage in a pair of matches set six months apart- the latter of which when Kurasawa had definitely entered the job squad!

And finally, remember last week when I subjected y’all to Sgt. Craig Pittman vs. The Cobra? Well now they’re TAG PARTNERS, and their opponents are the freakin’ Faces of Fear! This one actually ends up great… if you want to see how the mechanics of wrestling work, because Pittman here is SO BAD that he actually throws off all three other wrestlers, none of whom seem to know what to do with him flailing around all weird. It’s one of the greatest examples of a wrestler being such a stiff that nobody can do anything with him.

THE BRITISH BULLDOGS (Davey-Boy Smith & Dynamite Kid) vs. THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL EXPRESS (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson):
(AWA When Worlds Collide, 1989)
* This is a completely wild Dream Match I had no idea existed, as the Bulldogs typically existed in the WWF & Japan while the Express were mostly in the Southern companies/NWA. The Bulldogs are shredded to the gills here, just on ALL the steroids (especially Smith), while the Express are the same doughy guys they always were, absolutely dwarfed by their opponents (neither of whom were that big in the WWF). Makes you realize why they never did a run in the WWF around this time, ya know? The Express are in black & blue tights, and the Bulldogs are in their white & blue ones with the Union Jacks on the asses. Luscious Johnny Valiant is doing commentary, putting over the Bulldogs but mentioning that the Express match their experience. Legend Pat O’Connor is the ref here.

The “Two-Colored Mullet” look is really, uh, something.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And this time, I get to torture you all with the illustrious Cobra/Sgt. Craig Pittman feud! But first! A very odd one-off (considering they shared a company for years), as it’s “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. the future Fit Finlay- back when he was the mullet-wearing Belfast Bruiser! This was back when Macho Man was still a regular wrestler on Monday Nitro and not just doing promos and beatdowns.

Also a co-headliner of sorts as the Road Warriors take on the Powers of Pain in 1988, shortly before the Warriors’ non-union Mexican equivalents bail for the WWF! And then it’s the WWF Jobber hell-zone that is Skinner vs. “Pump It Up!” Jim Powers in 1992!

But yeah, this is also the time I take a look at Sgt. Craig Pittman, who interested me a bit from the Kurasawa match I reviewed weeks ago. And turns out he sucked! Really bad! Come see HOW bad as he gets to fill tons of TV time on the D-shows with the “CIA Agent” Cobra, aka Jeff “nWo Sting” Farmer!

“THE MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE vs. THE BELFAST BRUISER:
(WCW Nitro, March 25th 1996)
* Yes, it’s MACHO MAN vs. FIT FINLAY! But it’s jobber-ish Bruiser with a brown mullet/buzzcut combo and a hideous mustache in addition to his goofy Mad Max one-shoulderpad leather jacket. They put over him using European uppercuts & smashing up Steven Regal’s face and OH MY GOD Heenan namedrops that it made Steven Regal’s face “look worse than Princess Di’s car that she smashed up” which is a reference that now reads COMPLETELY different (it was some other car accident, don’t worry!). Bruiser’s in a black singlet with “Ireland” across the front. Macho Man’s in white tights and is on the roids big-time.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a pretty spectacular bout from Mexico to lead off with, as all you nay-sayers shucking on El Dandy all the time will have to eat crow as he has an amazing, bloody Hair vs. Hair Match against El Satanico! I also take a look at a random WCW match, as the Road Warriors take on Dick Slater & Bunkhouse Buck in 1996. Also, my nightmare is your nightmare, as I subject you all to a SEVENTEEN MINUTE Ted DiBiase vs. Tatanka match, as the Million Dollar Man faces a green-ass Chris Chavis in a 1991 house show match that’s either a giant rib or a big test of what this kid can do (translation: nothing).

HAIR vs. HAIR MATCH:
EL DANDY vs. EL SATANICO:
(Empresa Mexicana De La Lucha Libre, Mexico, Dec. 16th 1990)
* This match is rated ****1/2 by the WON, so it seems to be El Dandy’s most jam-up match ever! I am completely unfamiliar with Satanico, but he’s been wrestling for a billion years and was about 37 here. His list of titles is as long as your arm, but I don’t know if any of these belts mean much- he’s the founder of the “Los Infernales” stable and Fandom says he’s one of the best trainers in Mexico. Dandy’s actually pretty muscular here (though he has a bad steroid belly), wearing long white tights, while Satanico has the same doughy pregnant physique El Dandy had in WCW seven years later, and he’s in a black singlet with flame designs on the legs. Satanico attacks El Dandy as soon as he hits the ring, smashing him into the post- he’s already busted open!

I’ve a special “Dream Matches” column this week, as I did one on Sunday for horror movie-themed guys, but wanted to get back to the regular Wednesday schedule with a smaller column. And as someone brought up this infamous bit from Nitro history, I figured I’d make it the focus, as it’s as well-known for the reactions of the commentators (who laughed throughout most of it) as it is for being surprisingly good. And I’ll throw in a random other Lucha match after it, because otherwise this is less than 1000 words!

FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MEXICAN HARDCORE MATCH:
LA PARKA & SILVER KING vs. CICLOPE & DAMIAN:
(WCW Nitro, July 7th 1999)
* So this is a VERY infamous match from the latter era of WCW, when the WWF was destroying them in the war. They do the usual “WCW” thing of trotting out four random guys, mostly nobodies, to fill space on their massive show, only this time it’s a Hardcore match because WWF was doing stuff like that, too. La Parka was pretty over but still a TV jobber, while the other three may as well have been Barry Horowitz- they NEVER won and were total jobber nothings, especially Ciclope. They move a bunch of plunder to the ring as Tony & Bobby on commentary laugh at the notion of a “Falls Count Anywhere MEXICAN Hardcore Match!”, repeatedly referencing the full name of the match while laughing… get used to that.

It’s time for a Very Special Dream Matches column: I take a look at various Halloween-themed matches, as all the horror movie-themed wrestlers I can find get a look!

So it turns out that “Creative use of copywrite law” is a very common gimmick in wrestling, because holy crap were there a lot of guys ripping off horror movie villains, right down to the names- wrestling has sported multiple Jason the Terribles, Leatherfaces and even a Freddy Krueger & Crypt Keeper or two! So come see them in various messy, bloody matches all over the world!

So tonight we start off with Jason the Terrible vs. Carlos Colón in that youngster’s native Puerto Rico, in a Barbed Wire match! Then it’s Jason in Stampede Wrestling against Makhan Singh (Mike Shaw)! A horror-themed lucha libre match from Mexico sees Halloween (Ciclope as a pumpkin-man), Karis de Momia (a mummy-themed wrestler), Damian 666 & El Espectro Jr. (a ghost wrestler!) vs. Antifaz, Latin Lover, Sergio Roma & Silver Star! Then we go to Japan, where it’s Leatherface vs. Freddy Krueger (Doug Gilbert!) in a parking lot brawl! And finally, it’s Cactus Jack and the Crypt Keeper (one of Los Boriquas in a baseball uniform and the most embarrassing mask in wrestling history) teaming up against another Leatherface and Shoji Nakamaki in another barbed wire match!

BARBED WIRE MATCH:
JASON THE TERRIBLE vs. THAT YOUNGSTER, CARLOS COLON:
(World Wrestling Council, Puerto Rico, 1989)
* It’s the same Jason as the Stampede one (I think- the video description sez so!), in Puerto Rico against native son Carlos Colón, dressed in a red one-strapped singlet (and with an Abdullah-tier scarred forehead). Jason is HUGE here, absolutely dwarfing Colón when you see the two of them standing straight up- at least half a head taller. The barbed wire criss-crosses the ring ropes up and down the whole length of the ring, and extends about a foot over the top rope.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! And I have more of the very stuff that made me come up with this column- horrible, horrible bouts that embarrass the very business! That’s right- it’s 1992 Andre and the most low-rent thing that maybe ever happened in a WWF ring- Ninja Turtle cosplayers!

So yep- we start off with one of those bizarre lucha Trios matches, this one involving Andre the Giant (at his most unhealthy-looking and bedraggled) and Bam Bam Bigelow of all people, teaming up with legend Dr. Wagner Jr. against three big-time stars in Canek, Villano III and FISHMAN! Yes, FISHMAN!

Then I watch a notorious one-off appearance of the “Toxic Turtles” (of course it’s the Executioners under the masks), as two guys in low-rent TMNT Halloween costumes face off against two jobbers in a squash so bad the crowd goes from “Wait… this is dumb” to “I am personally aggrieved to be subjected to this and want you people DEAD!” in record time!

The remainder is a mix: I wanted to check out more Kurasawa, so here he is being fed to The Giant in in-1996. And then there’s Eddie Guerrero vs. Psychosis from a Nitro around the same time!

ANDRE THE GIANT, BAM BAM BIGELOW & DR. WAGNER JR. vs. EL CANEK, VILLANO III & FISHMAN:
(Mexico, April 24th 1992)
* Haha, YES! Another “hit random on Fire Pro” Mexico match with a fading Andre the Giant, decked out in a red singlet that looks like it was cut out of a couch. And he’s teaming up with Bam Bam of all people, as well as Dr. Wagner Jr., one of those big stars & great workers who just never went abroad as much as his peers. Poor Andre is holding himself up via Doc, and can barely hoist himself up into the ring. The opponents are all big-name lucha guys- Canek is a major superstar, Villano III is the superior to his bros IV & V, and Fishman is apparently a huge ’70s star is now one of those “old slow dudes” by the ’90s. Canek’s in black, Fishman green & Villano in red- Fishman is REALLY bulky, with a ton of muscle mass and a bit of a gut. Canek is BROAD- a real powerhouse dude. VIII is a bit top-heavy, slender at the waist and delicately built aside from his chest/shoulder area.