So with the sad news of Lanny Poffo’s passing, a couple people recommended I review Hogan/Genius, given it was Poffo’s peak in the business- I figured I’d make a special short Friday Dream Matches column out of it, getting that and his one PPV match- The Genius vs. Brutus Beefcake from the 1990 Royal Rumble (with an all-time quip from Jesse Ventura)! Also I’ll toss in one of his last WWF bouts (in fact, I’m sure it’s his last TV match), as he teams up with his charges the Beverly Brothers against Max Moon & High Energy!
WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
HULK HOGAN vs. THE GENIUS:
(WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event, Oct. 31st 1989)
* This is a bizarre one- a total mismatch featuring Hogan going up against the former “Leapin'” Lanny Poffo, a low-tier babyface with a penchant for acrobatic moves like the futuristic “Moonsault”, now reimagined as a mincing, effeminate heel (I’ve heard tell this was Lanny’s idea to avoid getting fired). Hulk Hogan and his cocainey best proclaims to Mean Gene that “if he’s so darn smart, how come he doesn’t know that mathematically, he can’t win, brother?” See, it turns out that the “three demandments” (training/prayer/vitamins), plus the 24 inch pythons, times the millions of Hulkamaniacs = Victory. Dang he’s as good at math as Steiner. Good diction too, as he sputters “POETIC PROWESS?!” at Mean Gene’s assertion. Then counters with a Longfellowian poem “Roses are red/violets are blue/the Hulkster’s a wrestler- Genius WHAT ARE YOU?!”.
Genius stalls to start, offering a left-handed handshake and skipping around with his ass sticking out and doing extraordinarily effeminate stretching, then skipping into a lockup while Jesse Ventura puts over his intelligence. Hogan shoves him to the floor in a great bump, then points to his own head to indicate intelligence- Jesse correctly points out “that took sheer BRAWN”. Genius acts like it doesn’t bother him, then gracefully flips backwards over the ropes to the disgust of McMahon. Hogan shoves him down again, but Genius just kips up and does a… festive pose. Hulk gets a hiptoss & slam but Genius slides out to avoid the Big Boot- he then writes an equation on his metal scroll to ensure victory (“Hulk Down!”). Hogan furrows his brow in disbelief as Genius skins the cat back in, armdrags him, and celebrates in the corner. Genius offers him a clean break in the corner, raises his arms while on his tippie-toes, then viciously slaps the Hulkster and scoots away to avoid retribution as Hebner blocks the way. Hulk finally settles down and just leans in the corner like “Yeah, okay- I’ll be waiting” while Genius does calisthenics and even mincier stuff than before.
But just like that, Hogan does ANGRY FACE and barrels in with a clothesline after the Genius cartwheels & celebrates, then clotheslines him again! Two turnbuckle shots! Hogan charges into the corner with an elbow and then does his OWN mincing arm-flap dance while Genius faceplants! Atomic drop has Genius doing a sissified arm-flap, so Hogan mimics the sell-job then backdrop suplexes him- he drops elbows and adds a bootscrape and some punches while Mr. Perfect strolls down to ringside to continue his feud with Hogan. Perfect rips on the WWF Title and sticks his gum on it, luring out the Hulkster so Genius can dropkick him into the post. Genius throws stomps and punches to bring the Champion down, then hits a Moonsault off the second rope for two. And it’s a HULK UP!
The Genius’s reaction is hysterical, as he first holds his hands up like “AHHHHH!!!”, throws another punch, then covers his mouth with his hands all “Oh my GOODNESS!” after each failed shot. Hogan punches away and hits the Big Boot, but Genius rakes the eyes and back repeatedly (“The Genius is stoopin’ to HOGAN level!” cries Jesse), but Hogan responds with the exact same moves, sending the Genius into another tizzy and Hogan bodyslams him to the FLOOR in a crazy bump for the era (Genius guides himself with his hands and lands feet-first but flat-backs out there). Hogan shoves Perfect away to toss Genius back in, but that’s his mistake- Perfect clocks him with the WWF Title out there while the Genius is in, and Hulk gets COUNTED OUT at (8:34)- GENIUS BEATS HOGAN!! Perfect & Genius scoot off while Hogan’s enraged, and we’re off to the next bout immediately. … hey holy shit, that equation worked.
haha, this was AMAZING. The best form of stalling from the Genius, as he just acts unacceptably unmanly for 1989 wrestling, mincing and sashaying around the ring with these little skips while his arms are all aflutter. Hogan’s disgust is sold perfectly, first being bewildered, then going “yeah, okay- I’ll wait here while you do it”, then starts openly mimicking the “sissy” poses Genius is making. Some of it’s legit hilarious, especially the “Frightened Auntie” faces Genius is making during the Hulk Up. And then the unmanliest heel in the company WINS THE MATCH, all because of Perfect. The offense was simple as hell (though Genius DOES do a Moonsault, which is crazy for ’89 WWF, even if it’s a weird “kick off the top rope while standing on the middle” one) but it was perfect for what it is.
Rating: **1/2 (the best possible way you can run a match out of smoke & mirrors)
BRUTUS “THE BARBER” BEEFCAKE vs. THE GENIUS:
(WWF Royal Rumble, Jan. 1990)
* So Perfect is paired off with Hogan by this point, but Hogan’s pal Beefcake is up against the Genius here, in Poffo’s only singles PPV match. I still remember Poffo’s “I’m the world’s smartest man, and Beefcake’s double-dumb!” poem, as I rented the SHIT out of this in the mid-1990s from First Choice Video in Red Deer, Alberta to the point where i had half this stuff memorized. Genius is in blue trunks and Beefcake’s in white tights with pink trim. I will say the whole crowd in Orlando leaps to their feet when Brutus heads down the aisle- the guy was over.
The Genius does the same pre-match routine here as against Hogan, Ventura admitting “he is a bit light in the loafers” but insisting “WHO WON THE MATCH!?” re: him & Hogan. Genius prances around, bails quickly and does a cartwheel on the floor, but after doing a front flip Brutus startles him. Beefcake even kisses his own hand and places it on his buttocks in some offbeat shenanigans, but Genius goes to the eyes and pounds away. Genius does his Donald Duck walk after eating an inverted atomic drop, but goes to the eyes again and throws strikes until he misses a flying kick into the corner and takes some comedy bumps. Genius bails again, and then in an AMAZING bit, the crowd starts a very loud homophobic chant and Jesse quips “And listen to that capacity crowd- SOLIDLY behind Brutus, the barber out of San Fransisco!” Tony Schiavone can’t change the subject fast enough.
The Genius scores a headbutt flurry out of a corner break to take the lead, but puts his head down and gets booted. He gets a side kick and dropkick, but Brutus easily throws him off at “2”. Genius stays on him with stomps and a rollup for two, but takes too long up top and eats a fist to the gut coming off. Brutus slugs him again and keeps doing the “sleepy-time” gesture to set up the finishm, but Genius escapes the Sleeperhold with elbows and Brutus wipes out the ref! Genius fights dirty freely while Ventura tells all the kids “something to remember” with “It’s not how you play the game- it’s whether you win or lose!”, but Brutus reverses a whip to the Sleeperhold! Genius goes out instantly and Beefcake signals for the haircut to Ventura’s horror. And he starts at the TOP of Genius’s head, giving him a “Hogan cut”! The crowd is all about that, but Mr. Perfect comes down to throw some shots in defense of his friend (hey, check out the good blade control by Beefcake- not selling the beating by flailing around but instead carefully dropping the scissors behind him)- they double-team him, Perfect crushing the ribs with a pair of chairshots as the ref calls for the Double-Disqualification at (11:07). Brutus sells the ribs like nuts and has to be helped by the officials.
The match was a fine little comedy affair- kept even simpler than the Hogan/Genius one, mostly as Brutus was never more than a “kick and punch” guy at the best of times. Given how much Poffo minced around here, I find it amusing I never clued in to that he was doing a “Gay Gimmick”- I mean, I was 12 or so watching this on VHS, but still. This result turns the Hogan/Perfect feud to a Beefcake/Perfect one that goes to WrestleMania.
Rating: ** (mostly punches and simple stuff, but good comedy stuff and silliness by the Genius)
That time Paul Diamond extended his WWF career by six months by telling Vince he could fit in the gear meant for Konnan.
MAX MOON & HIGH ENERGY (Owen Hart & Koko B. Ware) vs. THE GENIUS & THE BEVERLY BROTHERS (Beau & Blake)
(Dec. 7th 1992)
* Wow, now THIS is a weird one. The Genius in a rare 1992 wrestling appearance, along with the short-lived Max Moon teaming up with fellow high-fliers Owen & Koko! The Genius is ultra-pasty in his black jobber trunks. Monsoon jokes about the twelve Hart children before the match, “Stu was certainly busy, wasn’t he?”, cracking up Lord Alfred.
Owen uses speed to harry Beau to start, but he’s caught with a backbreaker. Beau tries another and Owen flips out, backsliding him for two. Small package gets two and Beau headbutts out to escape- Blake gets taken down and Moon keeps using athletic takedowns into a headlock. Monsoon & Hayes diss the outfit, mentioning how hard it must be to move around in that, but he takes over both Beverlies at once, then nails the Genius as High Energy empty the ring! Blake beats on Koko once things settle down, but Beau has to save him from a small package, then hits a flying axehandle behind the ref’s back. The Beverlies work him over, but the Genius gets tagged in and is punched almost immediately, snivelling out of the ring to Beau can save him. Koko teases tons of comebacks during an extended beating, but manages a floatover DDT and tags Owen! Owen cleans house, but gets caught in an EPIC snap powerslam by Blake that has both Monsoon AND Hayes marking out, but the Genius flails his way in… and Owen tags Max! Genius whirls around in a panic, takes eight shots into the turnbuckle, then eats a roundhouse kick in the other corner! He reverses another whip but Max leaps up and hits him with the flying reverse cross-body… for the three (9:43)! Max pins the Genius!
Hey, heck of a fun match here! The extended beating on Koko was pretty plodding but they hit a couple nice moves (Beau’s butterfly suplex), and the hot tags were all great. The Genius is fantastic as a cartoon little bitch heel, and the faces all had good stuff. Watching this, you’d think the Beverlies were being de-pushed and Max was getting a push, but boy, one would be gone soon and the Beverlies would go for the tag titles at SummerSlam.
Rating: *** (not a bad TV match at all! Fast-paced for most of it, some good moves by the Beverlies & the faces, and a solid ending)