Essa Rios vs. Samoa Joe (and other Dream Matches!)

Some guys improved in look slightly as their careers went on.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I have a great assortment of complete crap for you today, folks! MonsoonClassics has uploaded a horde of random WWF & WCW matches, and it’s a real smorgasbord of “wait, that happened?” nonsense- the stuff Dream Matches are made of!

We start off with Essa Rios vs. SAMOA JOE, as Joe was in fact one of many indie darlings cast as jobbers on WWF weekend TV in the early 2000s along with Bryan Danielson & Low-Ki. Then it’s over to WCW as the Flock breakup continues with a workrate paradise of Van Hammer vs. Reese! Then we get more of the NEW MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, with Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart being made to fill Shotgun Saturday Night time with the Headbangers after the WWF had given up on both teams!

Then it’s a fascinating match as Dean Malenko takes on “Just Joe”, indie dweeb Joe E Legend with a “shit-disturber” gimmick- itself not interesting… what IS interesting is Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole doing the most vicious bury job I’ve ever heard on commentary. It seriously has to be heard to be believed- this goes way beyond even Monsoon & JR’s biggest digs and has to be based off of reality.

Finally, it’s late-stage WCW with CHRIS HARRIS turning up as a job guy, teaming up with Mike Rapada against the super-rookie squadron of Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire!

ESSA RIOS vs. SAMOA JOE:
(WWF Metal, March 3rd 2001)
* Oh man I love bullshit like this. Going-nowhere forgotten WWF acts taking on fuckin’ legends like Samoa Joe back when they were just starting out as jobbers. Joe hilariously has curly bleach-blond hair and is only a little doughy (but wearing the ECW t-shirt of shame), while Rios has given his last fuck and just has this “YUP- workin’ the D-shows…” look to him as he comes out post-turning on Lita and has nothing going on. Joe is billed at 280 lbs. but looks barely larger than Rios at all, and I think they’re the same height (their billed heights are four inches apart, of course). Rios is in black & blue tights while Joe looks like he’s just come from a Linkin Park concert.

Rios does a couple acrobatic flips out of basic moves and powerslams Joe for two. He throws a chop but gets pulled into the corner and Joe hits an overhead belly-to-belly and snap suplex to dead silence. A terrible running stomp sets up the comeback as Rios hits the tilt-a-whirl headscissors and Joe bails to the floor to get in position for Essa’s over-the-corner Tope Con Hilo, his one crowd-pleasing spot. He brings Joe in for a legdrop and some punches (?) for a two-count, but Joe quickly pops up and goes for a powerbomb- Rios gets an ugly-ass counter to a DDT, and a super-pretty Moonsault gets the pin at (3:14). Okay, that was spiffy.

This is every Metal/Jakked match you’ve ever seen- the star hits some basic stuff, the jobber is given a minute or so of token offense (they were kinder to the jobbers in the 2000s than they were in the ’90s, probably because these guys were actually serious indie wrestlers more often than not), and then the star hits a comeback and does their stuff to win. Though there was some ugliness here- Rios was clearly having difficulty figuring out how to turn that powerbomb to a DDT. Also Joe takes that huge dive to the floor and just pops up and hits a taunt for a powerbomb, lol- way to be a jobber, dude!

Rating: 1/2* (basic average squash with some ugly bits and some flashy stuff from Rios)

When you’re 7 feet tall but share a company with the 7-footer they actually WANT to push.

VAN HAMMER vs. REESE (w/ Horace)
(WCW Saturday Night, May 20th 1998)
* Yes, it’s some “Flock EXPLODES” for you tonight, as one of WCW’s worst roid-monkeys takes on the Flock’s massive Reese! Hammer had been floundering for literally years by this point, as WCW was unwilling to cut him loose even though he had no talent whatsoever. At this point, Reese had an issue as Hammer, a Flock member, had aided Juventud Guerrera against the Flock at the Great American Bash, netting Juvi a win despite Reese totally dominating him all match. Hammer is thus a babyface hero, though you wouldn’t know it as the crowd completely shits all over him here. Hammer’s in flared dark jeans and a very “1990s male stripper” look of bleach-blond hair and a dark goatee, while Reese is in the usual “t-shirt/jorts/flannel shirt around the waist” look.

Hammer throws boots to start, but Reese reverses a whip and clotheslines him, then drops him from a backdrop suplex. He takes his time and puts his head down early on a body drop, taking some shots but landing on Hammer on a bodyslam attempt. Man, Hammer’s selling is so shit- just sorta contorts his body and holds his arms against his chest with his wrists splayed out like “OOOOH! AHHHH!”. Reese with a big delayed suplex, but is called out as “methodical” by Mike Tenay as he misses a clothesline and Hammer throws “punches” and a dramatic shoulderblock, then the BODYSLAM HITS (psychology!), with that lethal move drawing in Horace with his omnipresent stop sign for the DQ at (2:23). Lol, a fuck finish on Saturday Night? Kidman, Sick Boy & Riggs all come out to put the boots to Van Hammer, and Raven & Lodi come out to watch- no Saturn, as he’s feuding with Raven and is about to destroy the Flock for good.

Rating: 1/2* (your standard horrendous Saturday Night performance, with Hammer’s bad selling and punches mixing with Reese doing the “Just going through the motions” slow beatdown. And they even tried to protect both guys!)

THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (Bombastic Bob & Bodacious Bart) vs. THE HEADBANGERS (Mosh & Thrasher):
(WWF Shotgun, May 9th 1998)
* Oh yes, MORE NEW MIDNIGHT EXPRESS! With Bodacious Bart and Bombastic Bob, haha. And those poor fuckers are already in the ring as the Headbangers come down! The NME are in matching blue tights with yellow lightning on them, Bob with his bleach-blond long hair and Bart with kinda shoulder-length greasy hair I don’t remember seeing much. Jim Cornette’s not with them, having been beaten up by Dan Severn the previous RAW. JR is on commentary with Jackyl (Don Callis), getting his first shot at that.

Mosh starts by hiptossing the NME around and my GOD the crowd is dead for this- the writing must have already been on the wall for the Midnights at this point (… which I guess is “the day after they debuted”, but whatever). Bob pokes the eyes of Thrasher, but he quickly takes over on Bart and uses a headbutt gut-charge to stun him. The Headbangers use the Beverly Bros’ old leapfrog double-team, but Bart wins a slugfest and lures in Thrasher so Bob can post Mosh. Man, Jackyl is just SUCKING here, showing no charisma or voice at all. The NME’s big double-team is an atomic drop into a sidewalk slam for two. Yeah. Bart wastes a ton of time, then press slams Bob onto Mosh for two, but Mosh manages to reverse the old “bring them in the hard way” spot by flipping Bob out to the floor. Bart clotheslines Mosh from behind but he manages to make the hot tag and Thrasher bumps both Midnights around (haha Bart is actually leaning back to sell BEFORE the punches are thrown), it’s an ice-cold donnybrook and the Headbangers hit the Stage Dive (powerbomb/flying legdrop and oh god Thrasher just totally sat on Bart’s chest on the landing!)- the ref is distracted getting Mosh out, so Bob flies in with an elbow and Mosh chases him like a total dumbass so Bart can roll over and get the pin (6:28). The Headbangers beat up the NME and send them running, holding their NWA Tag Titles, then spit on the belts and throw them down. Speakin’ for Russo, here!

Okay, this was a dire, boring tag match. But arguably by design- this was obviously a “Ross & Jackyl recap the angles of the day” match and just had the guys do basic brawling and slow “walk and stomp” bits (I always assume these matches are agented for just that purpose). Though Bob & Bart were not a natural team- their double-teams are slow, deliberate and crap. The ending is fine but right out of 1980s WWF with the “an unexpected flying move is always a TKO in a tag match” finish.

Rating: *1/4 (just guys farting around with a couple decent moves)

Even Monsoon at his worst never buried a dude as bad as we’re about to see here:

DEAN MALENKO (w/ Two Floozies) vs. JUST JOE:
(WWF Heat, Aug. 13th 2000)
* Man, JUST JOE? Ain’t that a blast from the past. I… wait, who the frick is Just Joe? *googles* oh he was only a job guy and barely featured at all for the 9 months he was with the WWF, and spent the rest of his career just farting around sub-indies and never doing anything of note. Joe E. Legend is his regular wrestling name. Malenko is doing his Bond-wannabe act, complete with girls on his arm (his blank facial expression actually kinda sells it). Joe was doing a “shit-stirrer” character at the time, but gets buried to shit by commentary as Michael Cole is like “Well his BODY isn’t reminiscent of any WWF superstars, I’m assuming he is indeed a wrestler!”, then makes fun of his terrible Titantron video (“that thing looks like it was put together with scotch tape and construction paper!”). Joe’s in a black & red singlet while Dean’s in black trunks.

Dean works Joe’s arm a bit, then Joe hits an arm-slam and works on it himself while the canned heat goes nuts like this is scintillating. Kelly goes on about Joe talking his way into the WWF despite being a “hanger-on” who just hangs out with wrestlers in an absolutely brutal burial- “You think he TALKED his way into a position with the WWF?” and maybe he was just some guy who was part of the crew (note: Joe’s Wikipedia bio indicates he is close friends with Edge, Christian & Jackyl). They finally begrudgingly admit he knows what he’s doing as he works the arm, hitting a double-chickenwing lift. Dean gets out but ends up in an armhold, twisting out and hitting a rolling head & arm thing. Joe kips up out of it and works Dean over a bit more, but misses a high boot and takes the leaping roundhouse kick. Dean puts his head down and Joe does a HAMMERLOCK of all things out of that, but Dean trips him and they do a bunch of pin attempts & reversals (Joe attempting to show he can do “Dean & Eddie” stuff?). Dean misses a clothesline and takes an AEW-tier “thigh-slap” kick to the head, then they do an awful spot where Dean pushes him into the corner but Joe “flails back” and knocks him down- Joe goes for the Light Heavyweight belt (“Look at this IDIOT… what’s he doing?”: Cole) and the ref takes it away, causing Joe to fall back and Dean rolls him up with a leg-roll pin at (4:28).

hahah man they buried the shit out of poor Joe here. Some stuff I’ve read suggests he’s a “small name big ego” guy who sucked ass but thought he was the shit, and Kevin & Michael were just NOT having it today (only begrudgingly admitting he seemed like he knew what he was doing, despite coming off like a hanger-on who might be mistaken for the crew). His submissions stuff is perfectly cromulent but not particularly interesting (never mind it not matching his “hey I just wanted to let you know…” shit-disturbing dweeb gimmick). So it ends up looking like Dean was just humoring him and letting Joe control with all his stuff (after all, he’s winning- why bother arguing for a share of offense?). Things kinda fell apart in the end, though, with Joe not flying back hard enough and the “collision” looking like shit.

Rating: 3/4* (MEH- competently wrestled but Joe is dull as dishwater and the finish sucked)

It’s Chris Harris’s turn in the “Hey I didn’t know that guy was a Big Two jobber” sweepstakes!

MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O’HAIRE vs. CHRIS HARRIS & MIKE RAPADA:
(WCW Worldwide, Aug. 5th 2000)
* It’s time for more Sean O’Haire! With his then-hot (for dying-stage WCW) team with Jindrak, and one of their opponents is future TNA star Chris Harris as a jobber! He’s pretty new to the business at this point, and teaming with a career jobber in Rapada (in his mid-30s by this point). The jobbers are in somewhat matching trunks- red & black with a jagged design on the front. Harris is already pretty big, oily and roided, looking more like a star than his partner, who has an ’80s mullet and no body oil (FOR SHAME!). Hey, he even has the “Wildcat” jacket! Jindrak’s in red & O’Haire’s in blue.

O’Haire immediately no-sells Harris and hits his kneeling clothesline, then Jindrak does a lucha-spot, lifting him into a splash. Rapada breaks up the pin and distracts him so they can get in some shots, and they hit a double-clothesline on O’Haire. A drop-toehold/Bret’s elbow get two, and Harris smashes O’Haire into a chair on the floor and they both shove him into the steps, O’Haire repeatedly interjecting with punches to show he’s still fighting. Rapada does some knees, but O’Haire leaps up to the top rope, backflips off, and drills him with a roundhouse kick into the hot tag. Jindrak nails both jobbers and they do a double-leapfrog on Rapada, dropkicking him down and setting up the finish- Jindrak hits a Pop-Up Super Rana in one leap straight to the top and the Seanton Bomb (swanton) finishes Rapada at (3:53).

Spectacular athleticism from the rookies, as they show what got them so much hype early on- stuff like no-hands leaps to the top rope, the 6’5″ O’Haire doing backflips off the top and then a Jeff Hardy Swanton? Insane for such big dudes. And the match was perfectly set up to showcase that, as Harris & Rapada control everything to the point of doing a “Randy Savage Template” (O’Haire even getting periodic punches to break it up so he’s not just taking a total ass-kicking), then the rookies get the hot tag and demolish the jobbers, hitting Rapada with all sorts of acrobatic shit to impress the fans. So the kids aren’t great wrestlers, but they LOOK like they are- just what you want in an extended jobber match.

Rating: *1/2 (great for a “Squash” that is really more of a basic 1-2-3 wrestling match in short form- hot babyface start, the heat, then the comeback full of flashy moves)