Jumbo Tsuruta, Akira Taue & Masa Fuchi vs. Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi (and other Dream Matches!)

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time… a GOOD match! It’s part of my trilogy of All Japan Legendary Six-Mans, as Jumbo Tsuruta leads his two minions (young ex-sumo Akira Taue and lightweight dickhead Masa Fuchi) against AJPW’s young upstarts- Mitsuharu Misawa, Kenta Kobashi & Toshiaki Kawada! Come see Kobashi’s best “fiery young guy” selling, Kawada’s best “hot tag BeamSpam kicker” murder and Jumbo being the grumpiest old man in history, with magnificent spots throughout.

Then a match that could prove to be just as much a classic, as King Kong Bundy faces Duke “The Dumpster” Droese in the most “1994 WWF” match possible! And finally, the WWF debut of ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU, as he faces Barry Horowitz in a shockingly-decent amateur-style contest!

JUMBO TSURUTA, AKIRA TAUE & MASANOBU FUCHI vs. THE KIDS WHO WON’T GET THE FUCK OFF JUMBO’S LAWN (Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada & Kenta Kobashi):
(All Japan Pro Wrestling, Oct. 19th 1990)
* OHHHHHHHHH yeah- time to hook up some of the famous All Japan 6-Mans! This is the first of a trio someone gave me. The deal here is Ace of All Japan, Jumbo Tsuruta, has turned into the very thing he used to fight in the 1970s- a grumpy, aging veteran, taking potshots at these young turks every chance he gets, showing desperation to keep his spot and title. Misawa of course leads these young punks in their adventures across Jumbo’s lawn, with his tag partner Kawada, and the exciteable even younger guy, Kobashi. Akira Taue is Jumbo’s resolute partner- a fellow giant at like 6’5″, acting like a Clone Buddy but a baby-faced 29-year old. Fuchi is a career partner of Jumbo’s as well- a top Junior star and looks much older than his 35 years, with “old guy hair” and an unimpressive physique. Misawa, Kawada & Kobashi are all in their iconic gear- Jumbo & Fuchi are in black trunks & Taue’s in red. Both team leaders seem super over, as Misawa stoically leads his team while Jumbo looks like someone just woke him up and is going to regret it.

Kobashi & Taue start us off and man, 23-year old Kobashi looks like a teenager- even Taue looks like a sweet-natured babyface at 29. The fans are WAY into Kobashi, who eats an elbow, so he throws the same to Taue (who is like “Wh-what?”)- Taue cheapshots Kawada off the apron but runs into an armdrag. Kenta holds onto the arm and looks hilariously awkward bringing him over to Kawada, who wants some payback- Kawada just stoically looks down the entire time, refusing to engage as Taue avoids the kick like the plague and swats at him, but gets his thigh kicked to hell and he’s booted down by the “this ain’t shit” Kawada. Taue keeps trying to play distance, but gets kicked in the back and Misawa kicks him over and HERE’S JUMBO. The fans go nuts, and Misawa uses speed to pepper him with elbows- Jumbo whips him to the corner but Misawa deflects out and plants him! “Aw GOD DAMN IT!” sell by Jumbo, like he’s agonized and completely infuriated he got caught by that. He finally drills Misawa with a knee to stop him, and works the midsection while still looking pissed and pained, still selling his head. Fuchi’s in like the little dog Chester in the Looney Tunes shorts like “GEE thanks for working his abs for me, Boss!” by pouncing on them, and Taue just copies Jumbo’s exact moves- sycophantic twerp. And now KAWADA’s interfering, throwing a kick at him!

Taue manages to skoosh Kobashi in the corner and now Jumbo knees HIM in the gut and works a crab. Fuchi comes in all flashy with a dropkick cuz Kenta’s hurt, nearly gets pinned out of the corner, but boxes the ears with his boots from the ground- man, fuck you, Fuchi. Taue in but he gets caught with a lariat and OH SHIT Kawada has a free shot and spinkicks him to the floor, chasing him out… but Taue turns it on him with a slam on the ground! See, Kawada got too aggressive, paid for it, and now Jumbo’s working his back methodically like a pro. In comes that vulture asshole Fuchi for a kick to the back and a backdrop suplex gets two, then works a half crab (doing a “u mad bro?” flex at Kobashi) and Taue drops some elbows to massive boos, amusing Fuchi. Fuck you, Fuchi. Taue almost immediately gets caught with big kicks and Misawa clotheslines him for two, then kicks him to the apron where Kawada lets loose his ENTIRE FURY, just bootfucking Taue’s head and SUPLEXING him on the floor for some payback! Misawa works over a hurt Taue a while, and Kobashi crabs him, only for Fuchi the asshole to throw some punches. Kenta won’t sell them, so Jumbo runs the ropes twice to mop shit up again… and runs into a lariat! Big pop for that- Jumbo the master builds all this anticipation for a steamroll and gets caught by the kid, stumbling to the corner.

Jumbo perfects being a grumpy, bullying veteran while also selling like nuts- instead of selling raw damage he sells anger at being caught and like the pain surprised him.

Taue gets his back worked by everyone, but scores a DDT and wisely just tags out, and an infuriated Jumbo’s like “here’s for that fucking LARIAT!” and Jumbo Lariats Kobashi to death with the filthiest follow-through lariat ever. Kobashi kicks out at two but is screwed, so of course Jumbo punches him right in the nose, works that a bit, then directs FUCHI to grab a chair and smash it into Kenta’s nose on the floor! Fuck you, Fuchi. Dear god they’re WORKING THE NOSE? Jumbo spams stomps onto it and does a dramatic punch to it and stomps on the back of his head while Kobashi bleeds with his eyes glazed over. Man, remind me never to lariat Jumbo. Taue back in and he rakes the face with his boot, grabs the nose and headbutts it, and hits an atomic drop/backdrop suplex for two. Fuchi nails a jumping kick to the face, selling his leg but getting two, then when Kobashi attempts the mother of all “heroic crawling tags”, just grabs his foot and tags Jumbo. JUMBO LARIAT! Again two! Kobashi flops over onto his face as the crowd chants his name, so Jumbo of course starts beaning him on the nose to allow for Kobashi’s triumphant comeback, only for Jumbo to block him in the corner and drag him back to the other side to prevent a tag. Taue hits his corner facecrusher (oh, psychology!) for two, then a Samoan drop, but his vertical suplex is countered to a backdrop- HOT TAG KAWADA!

Kawada comes in like a coiled spring and just beats Taue to pieces with kicks, Taue like “OWOWWOWOWOWW!” on the arm-flapping sell, but he counters elbows with SUMO SLAPS to the other corner, only to get cranked some more. Taue with a SUMO THROW to halt it (going back to his origins when he’s pressed!), but Kawada just brains him from the mat. Great sell of shock & surprise from Taue, and he eats the Repeater Face Kicks, but the ref pulls Kawada off him from the ropes, allowing Taue to lariat him down with a cheap shot! Jumbo comes in, but Kawada’s like BRING IT OLD MAN and lights him up- Jumbo stuffs him and prepares the Jumbo Lariat like Kobashi, but Kawada FLIES in with the wheel kick and hot tag Misawa! Misawa elbows the old man into paste (great flail-sell by Jumbo) and then DIVING ELBOW- two! But Misawa’s punched out and so Jumbo takes back over after absorbing all that- Jumping Knee! Kobashi has to resort to a cheap-shot to save Misawa, drawing boos after all that cheering, and Misawa gets so hot he fights Jumbo on the floor, leading to Taue catching him with the world’s ugliest tope!

Taue tries more sumo chops, but Misawa just Running Elbows his head off… but he pops incoming Kobashi with a lariat for two! Kobashi lands a shoulderblock, but charges into a powerslam for two. Fuchi vultures in again, but gets caught in a rolling cradle for some humiliation and the Moonsault hits- Taue saves! This leads to an immediate breakdown in the ring with everyone fighting, and Kobashi lands a Bridging German on Fuchi- two! Fuchi lands an enzuigiri to tag the old man- Jumbo Lariat! “HOH!” taunt to the Powerbo– but Misawa charges in, only for Jumbo to release and meet him with an elbow! Powerbomb hits! But it’s two! Jumbo sells it with SHOCKED KICKOUT FACE (but like, earned, because that’s an actual finisher and not a move that never wins) and tries a backdrop, but Kobashi peppers him with rights and lands on him for a dramatic two-count. Kobashi’s back up and does his big run to the Moonsault, but Fuchi stops him for Jumbo’s big backdrop suplex- again two! Jumbo’s like “ENOUGH of this shit!” and fights Kobashi into the full-on Backdrop Driver while Taue SPRINTS across the ring to stop Kawada’s interference, and that’s the three at (25:25).

Oh man, these guys are SO good. Even Baby Taue & Kobashi. Kenta is this magnificent fiery comeback artist with the best defiant kickouts in the business (there’s a reason he ate the lion’s share of the offense), but keeps coming in all hot and gets drilled for it- both Jumbo & Taue can catch him coming in because he’s a dumbass and not strong enough to plow through a giant’s frontal arc like that so it’s endless lariats and powerslams every time he comes in. Kawada is this fearsome kicker who will blast all the big slow guys every time he gets in- he & Misawa are more clever than Kobashi and so counter the same shit that catches their young pal. Fuchi is a complete asshole but a crafty vulture who beats on hurt men and interferes to stop comebacks. Taue is fantastic in his role as the “Young Heavy”, repeatedly getting flustered and scared of all the shit thrown his way- him reverting to his sumo background to overcome Kawada is TREMENDOUS.

Misawa is this stoic ultimate general who can hang with anyone, but Jumbo is just too much for him, stifling his comebacks just by waiting him out- once it goes to standup again, Jumbo crushes him. And Jumbo’s Wrestling IQ is like a billion here- Fuchi comes in to pummel Kenta in that crab but can’t do anything- so Jumbo runs off the ropes, runs off the other side, then runs off AGAIN to get it done… at which point Kobashi nails him for a huge pop because all that anticipation for a big move has been raised. And then he does stuff like eat Kenta’s lariat, so puts some STINK on his own (“Lariat ME, will you!?”), or stops Misawa coming in with an elbow to break up the powerbomb. And selling how he keeps having to mop up for his hapless teammates who keep eating all these fired-up comebacks of BeamSpam offense, cuz he’s the only one who can weather that storm.

Rating: ***** (everyone here was flawless in their roles)

My goal in life is to follow Four Pillars matches with the worst possible shit in the same article.

KING KONG BUNDY (w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. DUKE “THE DUMPSTER” DROESE:
(WWF Action Zone, Nov. 27th 1994)
* Oh jesus christ. Way to give away potential PPV main events away on live TV, Vince- no wonder business was ass! Droese’s in a grey garbageman shirt with blue pants (man, he can’t color-coordinate that?), and Bundy’s part of the Million Dollar Corporation at this point- Duke’s actually noticeably taller than his broad opponent.

Duke surprisingly jumps Bundy before the bell and pounds away on him, then hits some feather-light clotheslines and dropkicks him to the floor, chases after Ted, and manages to catch Bundy trying to sneak up on him. Bundy catches him with a gut-kick (lol man how do you let BUNDY get the drop on you?), then slugs him down and drops an elbow. A second elbow misses and Droese takes over with and exciting… top wristlock. Droese catches him with a cross-body for two (slow fall from Bundy, who is the worst bumper ever) and back to the wrist. Bundy just punches free and clotheslines Droese down, then drops a knee and works a chinlock into the babyface comeback- Bundy cuts off one, but Duke eventually puts him down with three shoulderblocks, only to miss an elbow. Bundy goes for a running splash, but eats mat and Duke gets fired up and PULLS DOWN THE STRAPS (lookit this JTTS thinking he’s earned “pull down the straps” superpowers in here!), no-selling him and clotheslining him down, then hitting a legdrop for two, which Vince calls the Trash Compactor, and Bundy hops right back up and dodges a corner charge, getting his own Avalanche, landing it twice for the pin at (6:52).

Man, what a dreadful match, haha. TWO big double-resthold spots and the only transition they could think of was missing falling or charging moves. I wonder if the finish was supposed to be DiBiase tripping Duke (why else pivot and run the ropes right in front of him?) but they improvised with the legdrop. When fans clamored for longer TV matches, I suspect this is not what they meant.

Rating: * (two long restholds in a 7-minute match, with everything else being charges and missed dropping moves)

The Pug remains one of my weirdest choices as “guy I want to get behind” as a young fan. Though that list also included Typhoon and Mabel. Maybe I was just a workrate snob even then, I dunno.

ALEX “THE PUG” PORTEAU vs. BARRY HOROWITZ:
(WWF Superstars, 1996)
* Wait- WHICH ONE IS THE JOBBER?! Barry is coming out to Hava Nagila, this being after his real singles push started, but Pug ALSO has theme music. This is his debut on Superstars so I guess he’s the “star” in this situation, cutting the funniest inset promo where he’s this super generic babyface eager to face competition in the world of wrestling, but he won’t stop friggin’ blinking at the camera. Like, that was the best take? No one told him to look less nervous? Fun Fact: I was actually a fan of the Pug back in the day, figuring him for a good “underdog” guy, and a unique face in the company- I mean all these goofy-ass cartoon gimmicks and this dude comes out in a blue amateur singlet doing cradles and shit? Barry’s in black trunks.

Pug immediately does a go-behind and they each turn it around on each other and go for a roll around the mat as they reverse on each other- Barry does a hammerlock & half-nelson and grinds Porteau into a pinning combination as I question booking their “amateur wrestling guy” to get outwrestled by BARRY HOROWITZ. Barry keeps on him with a hammerlock and fights for a crossface before rolling him back for a pin and hey- he’s not bad at all! Barry actually gets a friggin’ chant going, and lands a big backdrop suplex. Barry does a roll over Pug into a cradle for two, then a snapmare with a leghook for one, but whips Pug off the ropes and Porteau hits an abdominal stretch into a backwards-rolling cradle for three at (2:52)! PUG WINS!! The two shake hands and hug after the match in a disgusting display of good sportsmanship- man where’s Heenan to dunk on this shit?

Man Barry is good (he was trained by Boris Malenko, hence him actually being really good at mat-wrestling) and I dug his “Jobber with a miracle win” push but it’s whacky to introduce Porteau to fans by having him do the “Savage Template” and eat a ton of moves and win with a single reversal on a cradle. Not bad at all for the “amateur-style” stuff, though, with interesting rolling cradles and the like to vary up what could be very boring offense- base an entire match around trying to cradle the guy and end with a cradle- it works! Except for the live fans, who only cheered for Barry and probably wondered when the “real match” was starting.

Rating: *1/2 (an interesting little style change, definitely unique for that era- Barry actually did really well with it and the story “fit” what they were doing, even if it was short and anticlimactic, plus one-sided)