Botchamania Reviews ECW

“After twenty years, ECW is over.”

The penultimate episode, time to put on the blindfold and light the cigarette.

Just a few stops to go before we park the ECW On Syfy bus in the depot so let’s pop into Memphis, TN for the hell of it.

We’re in Cincinnati, Ohio (Japanese crowd: “Ohio!”) and we’re five days away from Royal Rumble 2010 and the last ECW title on a WWE PPV.

After a dramatic recap of last week’s ECW Homecoming we get the announcement of Christian vs. William Regal so this show still has a pulse.

I needed a week off due to all the horrible shite going on in wrestling but don’t worry, I’m sure the death rattle of ECW on Sci-Fi will cheer me up. Tonight, it’s finally The Homecoming Finale and we get a dramatic video package to pretend this hasn’t been boring crowds senseless these past few weeks.

It’s the first episode of 2010 and let’s ignore that giant moon heading ever closer to the brand and focus on CM Punk vs. Mark Henry instead.

We’re in IZOD Centre in New Jersey and in the spirit of ECW ’98, the champion is here to guest commentate until his contract gets sorted out. Christian is thrilled to sit next to Josh Mathews and Bryant Gumbel (I don’t understand that reference but it’s the only thing of interest he says all night.)

We’re in Orlando, Florida to continue the road to ECW Homecoming (while the brand continues down the road to the knacker’s yard).

We’re in Laredo, Texas and Alleged GM Tiffany has invited former champ Kane to show up, as if WWE would consider bringing an old star to the C-Brand to boost ratings in 2020.

We’re in Houston, Texas and Josh Mathews is starting the show so you’d better bring some rope to tie yourself to your chair in case you fall off with excitement.

We’re getting near TLC and nearer to death so why not have new talent debut?

We’re a few days removed from Survivor Series, a show that had very little ECW interaction as the other brands wonder how many more hints they need to give to the C-Brand. We’re in Bridgeport, Connecticut and The Abraham Washington Show is tonight so let’s get this over with.

The show starts off with CM Punk anticlimactically returning, a trope he’d perfect over the next ten years. He’s full-on anti-Jeff Hardy at this point so the crowd aren’t happy to hear him bragging about being the first ever Triple Crown Straight Edge champion. I wonder if he ever called himself Major Threat?

It’s Veteran’s Day and somehow WWE is able to put on a wrestling show while patting itself on the back.

Right let’s carry on the death march to NXT.

Speaking of which I’m completely dead from my mate’s stag do so expect some quality typing. (edit: Ohhhh, I wondered why I started typing this up in January and didn’t come back to it until March. My mate was so blitzed I had to carry him around the club like Flair wrestling Kerry Von Erich for an hour. After physically shoving pizza into his mouth and holding him down in the taxi as he requested the driver play “that song from The Witcher”, I got him back safe and sound only for his fiance to ask why we bothered. It was a fun night.)

It’s been a while since I did one of these, due to the festive period and my complete lack of interest in the brand now there’s less than twenty shows left. It’s like getting attached to the villagers in Majora’s Mask.

Right now this show is colder than Labour’s approval levels so let’s recap the relevant news from Powerslam Magazine #184:

Ezekiel Jackson vs. Goldust

We’re at the University Of Kentucky but nothing’s happening on the show so we go straight to a match, oh goody.

Dramatic recap of Regal becoming ECW On Syfy GM and using his powers to immediately lose to Yoshi Tatsu. Regal starts the show, hopefully he stays there the whole episode. He makes himself the Number One Contender to the ECW Title which causes Ryder to complain (to no reaction). Christian brings out three guys who deserve to be Number One Contender more than Ryder & Regal: Angelo the janitor who replaced all the urinal cakes in the arena today, Yoshi Tatsu who pinned Regal last week and Tony Atlas who can do this:

Tiffany shockingly makes her return after a whole week away and makes some matches for tonight and even by the cold, cold standard of many an ECW on Syfy crowd, these fans were deathly silent so this is going to be a loooOOOOooong hour.