Sonic Reviews — page 2

Hello, my peoples.  I’d like to thank our lord and savior, Paul Levesque, for not scheduling an episode of LFG during Summerslam weekend, putting a tiny bit less on my plate last week.  Thank you, oh great and exalted……ah, who am I kidding.  It was probably a decision made by an A&E person.  In other words, thank you, A&E Paul Buccieri, President and Chairman of A&E Global Media.  You’d have resigned Karrion Kross on time.  You’d have kept Lesnar at home.  Damnit, Paul Buccieri would have booked the invasion correctly.

Enough tomfoolery.  These youngins aren’t going to train themselves.

EPISODE SEVEN: SINK OR SWIM

LAST WEEK, Drake Morreaux and Elijah Holyfield WENT AT IT.  It seems like this may be contagious, as we tease Anthony Luke and Harlem Lewis doing the same, as well as Sirena Linton getting hurt in the ring.  Knowing how this show works, she gets up in ten seconds.

Shawn Michaels opens the show, telling the wrestlers that the legends are going to take a step back, and the rookies will have to book their own matches and angles tonight.  Shawn warns them this is a selfish business (REALLY, SHAWN?), and that they may have to deal with someone they don’t particularly like.  I REALLY like this idea as, while I don’t pretend to be a wrestling expert, calling it in the ring feels like a forgotten skill.

We cut to the legends, and they are choosing matches for tonight.  So much for that step back.  Anthony Lewis versus Harlem Lewis, Bayley Humphrey versus Sirena Linton (interesting due to their combined lack of experience, but the coaches tell us they’re good friends), P Nasty versus Zena Sterling, and Shiloh Hill versus Trill London are booked.  After this, the coaches decide they now get to back off.  I assume Undertaker goes fly fly-fishing or something.  We cut to a hilarious shot of Trill and Shiloh trying to agent their own match, and Taker/Michelle look at them and agree with me that they have no idea what they’re doing.

Zena and Panina are actually talking to one another, and not doing a choreographed dance backstage.  Bubba is excited, as Panina admitted that Zena helped carry their match in the semi-finals of season one.  Harlem and Anthony sit in the ring and attempt to communicate like men usually do.  It’s like the comment section on here, in other words.  Michelle, in the Kat Bourne role, comes in and establishes some damn decorum.  Taker, concerned papa that he is, still watches Trill and Shiloh from afar.

We start off with the probable shitshow.

ANTHONY LUKE VS. HARLEM LEWIS

Loser gets to read a book on how the meaning of stoicism has been completely flubbed by the male species.  Collar and elbow tie-up ends in both tumbling to the outside…..where another collar and elbow tie-up occurs.  Male fragility, everyone.  They bark at each other, which actually does create some decent heat, and Harlm nails a big forearm.  Luke with a big shoulder.  Harlem with a nice dropkick, as there’s some stiff work here, at least.  Luke takes Harlem down with a chop block and goes to work on the leg.  Harlem fights out with some forearms.  Big powerslam by Luke for two as they are actually making this work really well thus far.  Beautiful leg whip by Luke for two.  Stephanie Vaquer would look at that and say “hey, that was a nice leg whip.”  Harlem gets a roll-up and backslide for two.  Lewis escapes the powerslam, but the leg gives out and Luke hits a kick for two.  Bubba says what I’ve been thinking for two seasons now – we have no clue who Anthony Luke is.  He’s kind of a loudmouth and dates someone on the main roster.  That’s it.  He also gets hot-shotted by Lewis.  Lewis with a nice backbody drop and…..hits a low dropkick?  Some nice work htere.  Lewis continues to sell the leg.  Luke goes for the powerbomb, but Lewis escapes out, goes for the roll-up, and surprisingly grabs the top rope for three?  OK, didn’t see that coming.

WINNER: Harlem Lewis

MATCH RATING: A- Know what?  This thing kicks all kinds of ass.  The work was snug, and they actually told a great story in the ring.

LEWIS: A- Woah.  This was far more than the dude we saw in Evolve.  He sold well, and showed a much more diverse moveset.  This dude we saw here can go places.

LUKE: B+ Usual workmanlike effort by a guy who could probably hang with most at the next level, even if he doesn’t have a carrying tool himself.

Anthony hits the back, very much trash-talking in character about getting cheated.  Absolutely nothing else happens.  For now.

We go straight to the next match.

SHILOH HILL VS. TRILL LONDON

Shiloh with a more serious ring entrance, which I like, and Michelle remarks that Shiloh’s bought new jeans.  I wager some of you might want to buy some new jeans. I recommend internet brand The Perfect Jean.  Those things are comfortable as hell.  Trill with a cool entrance.  He immediately gets clotheslined by Shiloh on the way in……and we cut to break?  What in the AEW was that?  Sorry if that offended.  I’ll choose a safer joke next time.  Maybe Palestine.  Trill is on the attack and we come back.  Trill hits a big hip attack into the corner, then does it again!  They stop and talk for what only seems like forever in the corner before Shiloh takes over.  Shiloh with some big uppercuts.  Shiloh whips Trill to the other corner, and hits some kicks.  Unnecessary spinning standing splash gets two for Shiloh before gut-wrenching Trill into the tree of woe.  Trill escapes and gets a roll-up for two.  Flying forearm gets two for Trill as we have hit the comeback.  Nice natural selection and low dropkick get two for Trill, who always impresses a bit more than you think he will.  Shiloh comes back, and a gutwrench suplex gets two. Trill hits a buckshot kick or something for two, goes to the top, and hits a pretty nice swanton for the upset well.

WINNER: Trill London

MATCH RATING:  B+ GO ROOKIES!  We’re two for two tonight, as these guys went out there and put on a concise, well-worked match with a surprise outcome.

SHILOH B+ Much like Anthony, Shiloh could come up to NXT tomorrow and hold his own.  Unlike Anthony, Shiloh has a far more defined character.

TRILL A- This kid does nothing but impress each time he’s in there.  There’s more than a bit Je’von Evans here, even if he’s not at the stage where he’s taking the type of risks Je’von does weekly.  I like this guy’s future.

Trill is grateful backstage, reflecting on when he hit the swanton on his teddy bears as a kid.  I’d kill to watch Winnie the Pooh hit the ring with a chair and take his punk ass out.

It’s time for best friends, better enemies, featuring….

BAYLEY HUMPHREY VS. SIRENA LINTON

I have high hopes here.  Bayley tries to do the Brock entrance, and Sirena just rules the world with her entrance.  Vic reminds us that, combined, these women have less than a year’s experience in the ring.  Sirena takes a woman-sized bump off a shove by Bayley.  Bayley with the big slam.  Sirena goes for the go-behind, and you really see the size difference here.  Bayley reverses and sends Sirena outside.  The Brock-isms are big today, while there’s a LOT of Chelsea Green tonight with Sirena.  Bayley presses Sirena from the top rope, then accidentally drops her.  Sirena doesn’t seem to recover here, and I’m not sure what happens, but she collapses and the ref calls for the X.

MATCH STOPPED DUE TO INJURY

The coaches aren’t sure what happened either, but Sirena looks completely out of it.  She gets back on her feet, though, and is able to exit the ring with some assistance from both Bayley and some backstage folk.  Backstage, Sirena lets us know she blacked out, and Booker believes it came from the hard back bump she took.  That has to be it as, while Bayley did flub her move, I don’t see much which could have hurt Sirena there.  Listen, I like both these women a lot, and I very much hope Sirena’s not concussed.  This also had a high chance of occurring when you had two very green wrestlers go in with minimal agenting.  Get well, Sirena.  Until then, you both did us proud.

NO RATING

We go straight to our main event…

PANINA TUALEPA VS. ZENA STERLING

P Nasty cuts the hallway-headed-to-the-ring promo and hell yeah, the woman can talk.  Michelle stands on the Blake Monroe platform and mugs for the fans.  Bubba seems to really want a wardrobe malfunction from Michelle.  I believe that, in 2025, Bubba could probably out-run the Undertaker.  Zena cuts her own promo backstage, and I like the understated take here.  Like Anthony Luke, I’m still not sure who Zena is either.  Zena hits the ring in an outfit which Dani Sekelsky bought and thought was a size too big. Too many cheerleader types.  Tonight’s most popular move, the collar and elbow tie-up, starts.  Panina fights out of the go behind, sending Zena into the corner with a BIG elbow, and we hit ANOTHER collar-and-elbow tie up.  Thank God we didn’t book Summer versus Haze here.  That may have been a ten-minute collar and elbow tie-up before the surprise roll-up.  Zena is quickly bruised by how stiff has been so far.  Zena gets stiff right back with Panina, and seemed to learn nothing from Sirena getting hurt taking a bump by taking a spear from Panina HARD.  Panina picks Zena up at two (!!) and we hit some rookie-on-rookie violence.  Big chops from Panina, and a kick sends Panina down.  BIG SLAM from Zena is followed by a double stomp and that……gets the three?  Sure.  Panina is 0-2 against Zena.

WINNER: Zena Sterling

Match Rating: B+ The conundrum of wrestling occurs here again, as we applaud the stiff work, yet a woman probably got concussed earlier here due to taking a bump too hard.  Somewhat sudden ending aside, these two worked their asses off.

Zena: A Again, her ability is way ahead of her character work, but I continue to love the athleticism, poise, and willingness to get her hands dirty.  That reminds me of a certain young woman holding a world title on the main roster a teeny bit who also happens to be blonde.  We’ve got a bit to go before it’s Zenny Time, however.

Panina B+ Panina’s almost there with the in-ring, but the character stuff is top notch.  If any woman could slot right into Solo’s little MFT group at some point, this is the woman, although that’s getting WAY ahead of ourselves, once again.

We cut to the judges, and I’ve got Harlem and Zena for points on my end.  Let’s see if they agree. Bubba gives Shiloh his point for leading Trill in his match.  Taker correctly states everyone took a step forward tonight, and gives his point to Anthony Luke.  I guess I could see that.  Booker gives his point to Harlem, and Michelle needs to break this tie.  Pick Trill, Michelle! Cause chaos!  Michelle goes Anthony, though, he gets the point for her team.  How convenient.

On the ladies’ end, Bayley seems shaken up by what happened with Sirena, who is not standing up there.  Taker takes Zena to task for not rising to the next level next season, which seems totally reality-TV’d, as she’s barely been on screen this time around.  Taker and Michelle both give Panina their point.  Booker agrees on both points, giving Panina the point and giving Michelle ‘s team a clean sweep today.  Team McCool takes the lead on the point standing.  Bubba does get his say here, and ooh boy, he claims conspiracy against both himself and Zena Sterling.  Bubba tells Zena everyone has it out for her, and I have no idea what this does to her psyche but, hey, this is reality TV.

And NOTHING happened between Anthony and Harlem.  This show can sometimes be worse than Love is Blind with the fake-outs.

OVERALL RATING: A- We hops Sirena is OK, but this was one of those “let’s show you how we make the sausage” episodes which I find so fascinating.  A very cool watch, and a good one for those who haven’t taken the LFG plunge yet.  This means you, Mears.

See you all on Wednesday for Evolve.  My ass needs to get to work.

Hey everyone.  It’s Wednesday night and, probably, the only night of WWE television where you won’t hear the name “Brock Lesnar” this week.  We have other fish to fry here on Evolve.  We’ve got Keanu Carver running roughshod all over the WWE ID prospects.  We have Kylie Rae winning the WWE ID Women’s Title on an indie show.  Most importantly, though, we’ve got Kendal Grey trying to take over Wrensday.  Now, we love Kendal here on the Evolve review, but why was she so mean to Wren Sinclair?  Why did she not answer the questions that are such a longstanding part of Wrensday tradition?  Really, should Wren bring her back for another week?  She’s asked online, and you should let her know what you think.  I voted “yes” because I am a sucker for a good redemption arc.

THEN. NOW. FOREVER. ME AND KENDAL SITTIN IN A TREE.  TOGETHER.

LAST WEEK was NOT a good week for WWE ID talent, as Sean Legacy went down to Keanu Carver, Marcus Mathers lost to Bryce Donovan, and Jack Cartwheel only got past Jamar Hampton through shenanigans from It’s Gal.  To make things worse, Carver now seems to have his eyes on Jackson Drake and the Evolve title.

TONIGHT, though, Kali Armstrong finally gets to fight Jin Tala face to face, with the Evolve title on the line and, hell, we are starting with Kali calling out Jin in the ring.  Jin comes out, the brawl is on, which leads to Stevie Turner letting us know that the match can start right now!

KALI ARMSTRONG VS. JIN TALA (WWE EVOLVE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH)

Jin quasi-cosplays Rhea Ripley in her outfit, with Referee Hottie calling the action.  Lots of brawling finally leads to Kali taking control faster than I can even type.  Kali works the arm and gets some shots to the midsection in.  Jin finally escapes, hits a nice kick, and then goes for the arm herself.  Kali comes out of the corner with a big slam, but a splash hits the double knees. Jin hits, of all things, a 619 as we cut to break. Jin is still in control when we return, albeit with pretty basic stuff.  Lots of knees to the midsection this match.  I mean LOTS.  I hope they’re on empty stomachs, because I could imagine this causing a bad case of the farts.  ANYWAYS, Jin hits a chinlock while, of course, hitting the mid-section, then goes back to working the arm.  I mean, this is better than her LFG work, but it is some really basic work. Kali no-sells some punches, Hulks up (called by Peter Rosenberg) before hitting some “Ronnie Garvin-like punches” (called by Robert Stone.)  Kali misses the charge into the corner, and a roll-up from Jin gets two.  A second attempt at a 619 gets caught by Kali, though, and turned into a powerslam.  Kali Connection connects, and goodbye, Jin Tala.

WINNER AND STILL WWE EVOLVE WOMEN’S CHAMPION: KALI ARMSTRONG

Match Rating: C Nothing too offensive, but this was yet another example of a more experienced worker matched up with someone a bit over their head.

Kali: A- Typical Kali here, as she is about a finished product at this level as there is.  Everything was crisp, the power stuff was convincing, and she even sold well for Jin.

Jin: C She certainly showed more presence in the ring this time than I’ve seen before from her, but the offense was oh-so-basic, other than some kicks and a 619.  That may be for the best right now with her.

Kali talks about her victory with Chuey Martinez at ringside, and Karmen Petrovic’s music hits.  Karmen congratulates Kali, but reminds her there’s some unfinished business between the two of them from their NXT match a few weeks back.  Karmen’s ready for her Evolve debut, and she’s not leaving without that belt.  I hope this is just a temporary thing, as I still think there’s a place for Karmen around here.

The Vanity Project is backstage, and the rest of the team seems more concerned with being in a group chat with Ethan Page than Jackson Drake’s being pursued by both Keanu Carver and Brooks Jensen.  Brad Baylor tells him not to worry, as he asked Stevie for a match between Keanu Carver and Bryce Donovan tonight.  This, of course, is news to Bryce Donovan, and he’s not thrilled with this.  He exchanges glances with Zayda Steel, and her reassuring facials don’t seem to move him much.

In the locker room, Kendal Grey and Carlee Bright are discussing Wendy Choo, and Wendy’s showing up unannounced is really pissing Kendal off.  Kendal asks Carlee for her spot in her match against Wendy tonight, but Carlee assures Kendal she’s got this. I’ve got a feeling Carlee don’t got this.

We get a recap of the GCW show from this weekend, and Cappuccino Jones seems to have defeated Jack Cartwheel to become to first-ever WWE ID Men’s Champ.  Congrats to Cap!  We also get a quick shot of Kyle Rae defeating Zara Zakher to become the first Women’s Champ.  The belt will only be defended at indie shows and, if a non-ID wrestler wins the title, they get signed to a WWE ID deal.  I like this idea.

Stevie is welcoming Karmen Petrovic to Evolve.  Tyra Mae Steele interrupts and tells Karmen to wait in line.  Stevie has an idea, though, and that’s Tyra and Karmen facing each other in a Women’s Title Eliminator Match next week. Basic, but effective.  If we get the good version of both women, that could be a solid match.  Could be.

CARLEE BRIGHT (W/ KENDAL GREY-REDUCER) VS. WENDY CHOO

Wendy starts out with an arm drag and goes for the walking girl-zombie amateur takedown.  Side-headlock takes Bright down, and Carlee reverses into a headscissors.  Wendy escapes, but Carlee ducks under and gets a hammerlock cinched in.  Back up, Wendy pulls the hair and works the arm.  Carlee spins out, hits an armdrag, and gets a two-count on a couple of roll-ups.  Wendy’s complete lack of selling here is starting to piss me off.  Carlee finally gets a flying headscissors and sends Wendy outside with a dropkick.  Carlee hits a cannonball off the apron, hugs Kendal, and we go to break.

LG fridges seem to make four types of ice, including cylindrical ice.  I am intrigued.  We also gets a Words with Friends ad, as it’s apparently 2008.

We return to Wendy catching Carlee on the top and bringing her down.  That’s a strange way to come back from break, unless the point here is “look what a loser Carlee Bright is.”  Carlee escapes a slam, nails some punches, but Wendy cuts off the comeback AGAIN as if she’s Booger Red Taker. Bright escapes a powerbomb, and here comes another hope spot for Carlee.  Standing moonsault gets two. Carlee gets caught AGAIN on the second rope, but fights Wendy off.  Flying bodypress gets reversed by Wendy, of course, for two.  Carlee reverses a Dirt Nap into a roll up for two.  A couple of more roll-ups occur.  Both slug it out in the ring and, of course, Wendy hits a big clothesline and locks in the Dirt Nap.  Carlee, at least, doesn’t tap out, and passes out for the submission.

WINNER: Wendy Choo

Match Rating: C Way too much no-selling here led to a match which was more annoying than good.

Choo: C- What the hell was that?  I get that she’s got this whole quasi-supernatural thing going, but she cut off every single comeback Carlee had here.  I was not a fan.

Carlee: C I do like Carlee, but we need something here, as being the well-intended friend of the only slightly more-edgier Kendal isn’t interesting at all.  There’s a wrestler there, but we’re still on the bottom here close to a couple of years in.

Chuey is backstage with Tate Wilder, congratulating him on his first (no it wasn’t) match a couple of weeks back.  Brooks Jensen interrupts and tells Wilder he reminds him of himself in 2022: a nice cowboy who gets chewed up and spat out.  Chuey brings up Jensen turning on Jordan Oasis, who Jensen calls not worth his time, just like Wilder.  Wilder finally reminds us Ridge Holland existed a few weeks ago and says that, if Ridge doesn’t have the guts to face him, maybe Brooks will.  Jensen quickly accepts, and I’m guessing that’s next week.

Dante Chen reminds us that he’s still here.  He brings up Edris Enofe and his change of attitude.  Edris take shortcuts, while Dante doesn’t.  Next week, Dante gets his rematch against Edris, and he’s going to deliver Edris the ass-kicking he’s earned.

The Vanity Project comes out, as we’re ready for our main event.

BRYCE DONOVAN VS. KEANU CARVER

Ricky Smokes mocks Keanu as he enters the ring.  We get our usual main event intros for both guys.  This could be very good, although I’m not a fan of feeding Bryce to Keanu at this point in time.  Keanu goes quickly on the attack.  Bryce tries to knock Keanu off the apron, and is actually able to do so after three shots.  This pisses Keanu the hell off, as he catches Bryce coming off the apron and makes him eat said apron.  Jackson Drake catches Carver’s attention as we go to break.  None of the ads were interesting, so we’ll just return to Donovan hitting a big boot in the ring on Carver for two.  I lied, as Ludacris was in an insurance ad, but that just made me sad. Bryce takes Carver down, and we be cluberrin.  Bryce can’t slam Keanu,  but still reverses a slam attempt from Keanu into a big lariat.  Nice work here so far by Bryce, who hits the chinlock.  Keanu tries to break out by pushing Bryce into the corner twice, but Bryce locks it back on.  Bryce finally lets go and hits some kicks into the corner.  Keanu blocks another kick, though and hits a big lariat of his own.  Keanu throws big Bryce around, and hits a fallaway slam for two. Bryce blocks a superplex attempt, and nails an electric chair on Carver for two!  These manly men are definitely beating their meat here.  Drake yells at Donovan and asks if he’s actually got it in him to win.  This leads to another fallaway slam from Keanu.  Bryce sends Carver into the middle rope.  Zayda distracts the ref as Bryce calls for a chair.  Ricky Smokes CAN’T FIND A CHAIR, and this leads to Brooks Jensen coming out for……I have no clue.  Jordan Oasis is now out to brawl with Brooks.  All this, of course, leads to Carver hitting the pounce and powerslam for three.

WINNER: KEANU CARVER

Match Rating: B- This was pretty damn good until the way-overbooked finish.  Both guys showed off their strength in a strong back-and-forth match.

Bryce: B+ I’m becoming more and more of a fan every week.  He’s got the size.  He can sell.  His facials are good.  I want to see much more of him.

Carver: B+ Keanu’s come a long way quickly.  He’s gotten himself into much better shape, and the power stuff is absolutely convincing.  Yes, there’s a bit of mini-Oba going on here, and something is going to have to happen to differentiate him from Oba, but so far so good with the basics.

Dissention gets teased by the Vanity Project as we go off the air.  Interesting.

Overall Rating: C Par for the course for Evolve this week, as the work was generally good.  The Wendy Choo no-selling was probably the worst part of the show for me, but even the greener talents like Jin Tala took a slight step forward this week.

See y’all on Sunday for LFG

Hey everyone.  I’m a day late with Evolve today, but for good reason, as I caught the true monsters of rock in concert last night.  That’s right, we banged our heads to not just Toto, but Christopher Cross and Men at Work as well.  In all seriousness,  it was really special to watch Steve Lukather do his thing live for the first time.  He’s not a name many know, but one that’s left much more of an imprint on modern music than most realize, and he was absolutely shredding last night.  Don’t let the “yacht rock” label fool you.  Also worth recognizing was 27 year-old multi-instrumentalist Dennis Atlas, who Toto brought on as a third singer and second keyboardist for the tour.  The dude’s got some major talent and is a member of a couple of prog metal bands I should do a deeper dive on.  A great show.  Next up, if I get the nerve to buy a ticket and just go by myself, would be Lyle Lovett next week. If not, we’ll be hitting the bong with Cypress Hill and the Pharcyde in two weeks.

Also, my Yankees traded for every closer in baseball today.  If that doesn’t trigger a second locker room Brawl Out at some point, I’ll be shocked.

And now for the real reason we’re here.

THEN. NOW. FOREVER. MARRY ME, KENDAL GRAY.  TOGETHER.

LAST WEEK, Keanu Carver made a note of wanting to put an end to WWE ID guys taking food off his plate, as seen with his destruction of Timothy Thatcher and Ice Williams.  Sean Legacy calls it all inexcusable and says it ends TONIGHT.  I love me some Super Sean, so I hope it does.

We go straight to the ring with our weekly party hosts, The Vanity Project, hitting the ring.

BRYCE DONOVAN VS. MARCUS MATHERS

This should be fun, as Bryce is actually an indie vet and Mathers can flat-out go.  Mathers with some serious Lionheart vibes in there as they tie up.  Mathers works a headlock and tries to use his speed against the much bigger Donovan.  Big shoulderblock and slam from Donovan.  Mathers avoids Bryce and hits a crossbody off the top for two. Marcus escapes a tilt-a-whirl thingee, but Bryce don’t give one iota and slams Mathers into the turnbuckle.  Mathers goes to the outside, taking out a cameraman in the process.  Bryce throws Mathers back in and we be clubberin, baby.  Donovan kind of locks in an abdominal stretch, but Mathers flips out of a back suplex attempt and hits some biiiig chops on the big man.  Bryce misses a charge into the corner.  Mathers with two dropkicks and a clothesline, and was that a Cody Cutter?  Yes, it was, albeit called a “variation of the stunner” by Peter Rosenberg. Bryce blocks a fisherman suplex , then hits a powerbomb and big forearm for two.  Bryce surveys his prey.  Chokeslam attempt gets turned into a roll-up by Mathers for two.  Mathers with a sick big kick to the back of the head.  Mathers goes to the top, but gets surrounded by the Vanity Project.  Swipe Right continues to attempt to interfere.  Mathers goes for the big dive, but Zayda stands in front of her compadres.  Unfortunately for Mathers, Bryce is waiting right behind him to hit a Black Hole Slam for the win.

WINNER: BRYCE DONOVAN

Match Rating: B Nothing wrong with this one, as both guys played their role to perfection, and Mathers fought valiantly before falling victim to the numbers game.

Donovan: B As the quiet heavy, Donovan doesn’t get the attention the other VP members do, but know what?  The dude looks like a decent worker and has a good look.  There’s some Big Bill vibes there, and I actually think Donovan could be a better worker than Mr. Morrissey.

Mathers: B+ I’m a big fan of Mathers, although he probably needs to do more to individuate himself from every other plucky high-flyers in wrestling.  Squint and you see a young Chris Jericho, though.

The Vanity Project stand over a fallen Marcus Mathers as we cut to the back and Sean Legacy hitting the resistance bands.  Timothy Thatcher enters the room, still a little sore, and tells Legacy to not worry about what Keanu Carver did to him.  Carver is a dangerous man, and Sean needs to prepare physically and mentally for him.  Thatcher expresses his belief in Sean slaying the giant.  Tim is great in this role, which surprises me, as I’ve never seen him as more than a scary guy before.

The new Charmin tears so much better.  That’s good news for your ass.  Also, Maya is head chef apparently getting a 143% ROI through SOFI.  I think what she’s saying is SOFI is a good place to sell drugs.  IDK.

Back to the action, and here comes our Evolve Women’s Champ, Kali Armstrong, with a mic in hand.  Kali ain’t here to waste no time, and calls out Jin Tala.  Kali faces all her competitors face to face, while Jin tries to get ahead by sneaking up on people.  Music hits, but it’s Tyra Mae Steele instead of Jin Tala.  Tyra reminds Kali that she won a triple threat for a title shot two weeks ago and demands respect.  Kali decides to give zero respect, and here finally comes Jin Tala.  Jin is her usual riveting self during her promo.  Tyra reminds Jin that she won LFG while Jin got eliminated.  Jin pushes Tyra into Kali, hits a big kick to Kali, and throws Kali into the corner.  Not a bad segment for developmental, I guess.  The beatdown from Jin was good, but she continues to be pretty all-time bad on the mic.

Chuey Martinez is backstage with Jamar “Didn’t get the memo on Hulk Hogan” Hampton, hitting the resistance bands.  They love the resistance bands on Evolve.  Jamar’s all smiles while Chuey puts over his athleticism.  Jamar will be facing the Fashion Disaster, Jack Cartwheel, tonight.  That…..will be interesting. It’s Gal then enters the frame and, you won’t believe this, but he starts hitting the resistance bands.  He throws some shade Jamar’s way as well.

JAMAR HAMPTON VS. JACK CARTWHEEL IN A (W/ CHEAP FUR COAT AND CAPPUCCINO JONES)

Peter calls Jamar’s entrance music a “bop” and claims it reminds him of Toni Toni Tone.  I hope Raphael Saadiq slaps the craps out of him one day for that.  Jack, as usual, kinda looks like an idiot, but we do love him in the ring. Cap’s got his coffee cup on the outside.  They lock up, and Jack flips a lot while we learn that Robert Stone goes to Jamar Hampton for fitness tips.  Jack works a side headlock, but meets a shoulderblock from Jamar. Jamar no-sells a dropkick, then hits a gorgeous Japanese armdrag and 180-dropkick.  This kid’s got the athleticism in spades.  Cartwheel hits some more flippy shit for two.  Cartwheel attempts some kinda heelish small joint manipulation.  They exchange blows, then Cartwheel hangs on Hampton’s leg and applies one of those bridging STF things.  Jamar powers out and kicks Cartwheel off.  Cartwheel attempts to strike Jamar more, but he’s not here to play.  A series of shoulderblocks and a standing blockbuster get two, as Jamar’s boot laces become clearly untied.  Jamar goes for the dive outside, but Jack dodges, goes back in, hits his weekly Space Flying Tiger Drop, followed by an inverted slingshot frog splash for two.  Hampton uses his power to fight him off, though, and they both go to the top.  It’s Gal comes out, though, with those damn resistance bands, and distracts Hampton, leading to Cartwheel hitting a Phoenix Splash for the win.

WINNER: JACK CARTWHEEL

Match Rating: C+ The ending was kind of crap, as Jamar was dominating this all the way through and deserved to go over.  The boot lace thing was definitely distracting, but didn’t wind up making too big of a difference in things.  Both guys had some great flashes.

Hampton: B- A tough one to grade here, as the lace stuff would have gotten him yelled at bigtime on LFG.  Jamar had some real eye-opening moments here, and showed some personality in the ring for the first time.  It’s slowly starting to come together, I think, and that’s not a bad thing, as this guy is the model Create-A-Wrestler.

Cartwheel: C+ The aerial stuff is always impressive, but I’m starting to get the feeling we’ve seen the entirely of the Jack Cartwheel experience.  There needs to be some growth here.  The look is so, so, so bad indie as well.  I’m a fan, but I’m not as much as a fan as I used to be.

Seems like our main event is up next, as we’re getting a 45-minute show tonight. Forty-four minutes and forty seconds, actually, to be exact.

You can play the World Series of poker on your iPhone, and those sure are some fine Hiltons you could stay at with your free points if you collect them until you’re 207. Actually, that’s not true, as my ex-wife once collected so many Aveda points we got a free weekend at a resort in Antigua.  She was only 204 at the time.  Also, the girl in the Candy Crush Saga ad is kinda cute.

Back to action, Zara Zakher knows she’s undersized, but she’s got courage.  She wants to see if she measures up, and it seemed like she was going to issue a challenge to someone, but didn’t.

NEXT WEEK, Carlee Bright will try to get revenge against Wendy Choo, and Kali Armstrong will finally defend her Women’s Championship against Jin Tala.

KEANU CARVER VS. “SUPER” SEAN LEGACY

We get the main event intros, but no Referee Hottie this week.  Legacy stares a hole into Keanu as he hits the ring, and the ref has to separate Keanu from Sean.  Keanu’s also dropped some decent weight since his NXT debut last year, which bodes well for him.  They lock up.  Legacy goes for the go behind, gets Keanu into the corner, but a chop from Legacy gets no-sold.  Keanu explodes out the corner and takes Legacy down. Legacy goes hard into the turnbuckle.  A second attempt leads to Legacy avoiding the corner, then hitting a low dropkick followed by a regular one.  This flurry doesn’t last long, as Keanu hot-shots him over the top rope.  Fallaway slam by Keanu and we be clubberin!  Legacy gets the false hope attempt, but gets choked in the ropes by Keanu.  Legacy continues to fight back.  Keanu attempts to throw him outside, but Legacy skins the cat and headscissors him outside.  Legacy gets caught on the dive, but escapes and sends Keanu into the post.  The dive to the outside then hits as we go to break.  When we return, Keanu misses a charge into the corner.  Legacy tries to flip out of the corner, but he meets nothing but the POOOUNCE from Carver.  Legacy fights out of a chinlock but meets a backbreaker for two from Keanu.  Keanu needs some better offense to go with the pounce and fallaway slam.  Rosenberg tells us the air has come out of the room, which I don’t believe, as no one in the audience is suffocating.  Yet.  Keanu continues the beatdown and applies a bearhug.  Legacy breaks out, but the big man playbook dictates that Keanu hit a World’s Strongest Slam for two.  I sense a Sidewalk Slam coming.  Keanu misses a splash, though, and here comes the actual comeback.  Two clotheslines don’t take Keanu down, but a pop-up powerbomb gets reversed into a DDT and Carver is finally down.  Kicks from Legacy aren’t doing a whole lot as Keanu is back up.  Keanu misses a charge in the corner, and Legacy works for a German suplex for two. Legacy goes for a springboard move, but gets punched out of the air.  That gets two from Keanu and a “whatamatch” for Robert Stone. Keanu tries the knockout blows he hit on Timothy Thatcher on Legacy, but those don’t work.  Legacy gets a springboard dropkick for two.  Legacy actually tries Shambles on Carver, and even Stevie Wonder would tell you that’s not happening.  Keanu hits a slingshot suplex into a powerbomb position into a powerslam (yes) for the win.

WINNER: KEANU CARVER

Match Rating: B I can vibe with this.  You had the fearless white-meat babyface against the big man who wouldn’t go down.  A surprisingly convincing victory here against Legacy, who we know they think highly of.

Carver: B The look and presence are certainly there, and the pounce is a thing of beauty.  We need to vary up the moveset, though, as a lot of this is “Big Man Greatest Hits,” and it’s not as compelling as it should be.

Legacy: B Standard Sean Legacy.  Everything hit crisp, and he knows who he is.  We need a new gear for him, though, and I don’t think he’s going to find it in Evolve.  Sign him up and move him up.

After the match, as the announcers wonder what the endgame here is for Carver, now that he’s beaten Legacy, we learn that Carver’s endgame is Jackson Drake and the Evolve Men’s Title.  Not sure how that heel/heel match works, but we shall see.

OVERALL RATING: B- Certainly a downer of a show booking-wise, but no one outright embarrassed themselves.  Bryce Donovan was a bit of a revelation, and you see the wheels turning a bit with Jamar Hampton, who hopefully is still employed next week following poo-poo’ing all the Hogan tributes.

I’m not even sure LFG is on this weekend, with Summerslam and all, so I’ll see ya when I see ya.

Hey, everyone.  I am so sorry this week’s episode took as long as it did.  It’s been a week, albeit all for good reasons, as I spent my Sunday evening with Live, Collective Soul, and Our Lady Peace putting on a hell of a show which absolutely took us back to the late 90’s which, of course, were only ten years ago (right?). Live probably sounded even better than in their prime, OLP did play the Benoit song (with a lovely little preamble as to mental health), and the lead singer of Collective Soul appeared to have cosplayed as prime Jeff Jarrett for the night.  Add to that getting back to work the next day and here we are, on a Wednesday morning, turning on the Hulu and recapping this for you, because I love you all.  Remember the “I love you all” part, since I’m seeing Toto, Christopher Cross, and Men At Work tonight.  Evolve will be ready by Thursday night.  I PROMISE.  It’s concert season, what can I say?

Season 2, Episode 5, “Out of Your Comfort Zone”

TONIGHT, the future greats will explore polyamory.  Oh wait, that’s not what it means. Apparently, it does mean Elijah Holyfield shoot-beating the crap out of Drake Morreaux, Dani Sekelsky wearing a mask, and P Nasty becoming P Nicety.  This…..should be interesting.

WELCOME TO THE ULTIMATE PROVING GROUND. THE FUTURE STARTS NOW.

Shawn Michaels greets everyone and asks if they’re comfortable.  When they all say “yes,” he reveals it’s a trap question and that change is always a constant in the WWE.  They will be working outside their comfort zone tonight (take a swig, Daryl.) The legends come up with crazy ideas such as BJ Ray as an old-school, white-meat babyface, P Nasty becoming the aforementioned P Nicety, Haze Jameson working heel, Dani Sekelsky wearing said mask, Summer Sorrell cutting a promo (woah, let’s not get crazy here). Drake and Elijah will also be incited to kill each other.

Chris Island, who will be working heel tonight, seems to want to channel a Wu-Tang type martial arts character (that could work). Dani walks around backstage in her La Chiquita Americana mask, and it’s giving me weird vibes, like I need a safe word or something.  Bubba Ray, he of the long, flowy locks, suggests to Haze Jameson that she dye her hair.  In the smartest piece of advice probably given on this show, he tells Elijah tonight is the night everyone is forced to see just who the hell he is.

Taker and Michelle McCool COLLUDE on their prospects (the horror), with Taker feeling like he’s being ribbed by Summer suggesting her big change-up is cutting a promo on Dani.  We’re quickly going to see what this looks like, as we go straight to….

SUMMER SORRELL VS THE SHOOTING STAR

Summer’s mom is wearing a “Team Michelle McCool” shirt, which I’m sure is right there with the retro Saba Simba shirt on the WWE Shop sales rankings.  Summer GRABS the mic and cuts the most white-meat promo you’ll ever hear, citing her mom’s battle with cancer, and says that it’s because of her that she’s overcome her fears.  Honestly, it was a damn good promo!  Go Summer!  Dani comes out in her mask to that name.  The mask really does kind of work with her smaller stature.  Dani quickly shows her heel edge, hitting the chop block on Summer and going for the leg with some nice heel energy.  Dani even turns to Summer’s mom and says hi and goddamn that’s some good heal heat.  Dani then GRABS SUMMER’S MOM’S WATER BOTTLE, takes a swig, and splashes her with it.  That’s amazing.  This makes Summer go absolutely ballistic. Summer goes for Dani, but stops to argue with the ref.  This enables Dani to LOAD UP THE MASK.  Back in the ring, you know what’s coming.  The headbutt hits for Dani, and good night, Summer.

WINNER: THE SHOOTING STAR

MATCH RATING: A+++++ I LOVED ALL OF THIS.

Dani: A+ What are we even doing?  Bring her up now and put her with Kaiser and Dunne.  Dani was a total revelation here, working heel with authority and getting some serious heat in the process.

Summer: A Summer’s impressed every time she’s been put out there on this show.  The promo was authentic and, sure, there was a bit of play-acting in there, but you can tell she was working with material which came from the heart, and the authenticity showed.  She hasn’t embarrassed herself in the ring yet either.  There’s something there.  We just have to work on the very generic look with her.  Could you tell her and Carlee Bright apart?

Backstage, Chris Island tells us Booker T has taken the leash off of him (kinky), and that dog’s about to come out on BJ Ray.

CHRIS ISLAND VS BJ RAY

Island comes out in some martial arts-inspired gear which looks good on him.  No flips tonight, just some solid intensity.  Some of these folks are going to find themselves tonight.  One of those people will not be BJ Ray, who comes out dancing like he’s Bushwhacker Dork.  Island immediately attacks.  I like those red gloves, I have to say.  Kicks and an elbow with authority into the corner get two.  Island goes straight to the chinlock, slowing this down a bit.  BJ blocks the suplex attempt, hits his own delayed suplex, and goes to attack himself.  He gets hot-shotted for his efforts, though, and Island hits a big clothesline.  BJ with a big throw and goes for the really crappy comeback, with some weaaaaak punches and shoulderblocks, noticed immediately by the legends.  BJ paces the ropes slowly and hits…..some sort of gimmicky elbow for two.  It’s bad.  Island quickly rolls him up (without cheating) for three.

WINNER: CHRIS ISLAND

MATCH RATING: C- We had one guy really find himself here, and one guy make a complete ass of himself.  You guess who was who.

Island: A-  Chris Island, this is your gimmick.  For the first time, he wrestled with some edge and intensity.  The gear looked good on him, and he was believable with his kicks and strikes.  He should have hooked the tights, as the coaches said, but we’re all works in progress.

BJ: D This wasn’t business-exposing or anything, but this was, yet again, BJ’s believing he’s far more entertaining than he is.  BJ is floundering this season, and I can’t say it’s undeserved.

Haze has her hoodie up backstage, cutting a promo into the mirror, and you can tell the hair is hot pink.  She reveals the hair, and the promo work is really great here, falling somewhere in between “I’ve had a few drinks and am running my mouth” and legit tough girl.

HAZE JAMESON VS PANINA TUILEPA

The coaches immediately like the hair, and Haze is really into the gimmick, telling the crowd they smell bad.  I believe her.  Panina channels face Wnedy Choo a bit with the hair, and……it’s a gimmick.  That’s all I’ll say.  Haze doesn’t stop running her mouth and incites P Nicety to get a little nasty.  Haze rolls the outside and continues to run her mouth.  It’s awesome.  A bit too much stalling leads to Panina finally getting some hands on Haze,  She appropriately grabs the her hair and hit a big slam in the middle of the ring.  Panina calls for a moonsault, but Haze somehow gets a low blow in.  Haze to work with some elbows in the corner, and Panina’s selling isn’t great.  Haze continues to run her mouth and hits a sleeper.  Nasty rams her into the corner and misses the charge into the corner for the tenth time this match.  This leads to a bit of a chase outside, culminating in Panina hitting the spear for three.

WINNER: PANINA TUILEPA

MATCH RATING: B- The work wasn’t bad, and Haze’s work was damn entertaining.  Nothing earth-shattering in the ring, though.

Haze: A “The girl who drank too much and began running her mouth” worked VERY well here.  Her crowd work was almost as good as Dani’s earlier, and she showed some nice authority with her heel moveset.

Panina: C On the other hand, Panina was handcuffed here trying to work as a face.  The selling was clumsy, and her moves just didn’t hit with the same impact.  She also relied on missing the blind charge a lot here.  If Panina learned something tonight, it’s that this is who she isn’t.  That’s not a bad thing.

Haze tries to camera-hog a bit after taking the pin, and Bubba motions to her to stay down and sell.  Youthful exuberance happens sometimes.

Elijah Holyfield tells us there isn’t a soul tonight who will forget his name as we cut to break.  What the hell is “My Strange Arrest” on A&E?  I don’t want to know.

Mike Rome is in the ring, reminiscing about the days when he was lead ring announcer. He introduces Bubba and Taker, sitting in the Blake Monroe balcony.  Drake comes out looking like the Bayou Boob once again.  Judging from the clips earlier, that mood is bound to change.

DRAKE MORREAUX VS ELIJAH HOLYFIELD

Taker dreams of Holyfield/Breakker in a few years and OH YES.  Holyfield looks tiny next to Drake, I must say.  Drake with a BIG shoulder tackle.  Watch a clip of THAT, BJ Ray.  Tie-up into the corner, and here come the punches from Elijah.  The ref has to separate the two, but it doesn’t work, as Elijah comes back and beats the living hell out of Drake in the corner.  He goes back a third time, though, and Drake gets the quick roll-up for three.  What the hell?  Somehow, this triggers Drake to go on the attack more, with the refs and officials coming to separate them all.  Drake hits the BIG dive off the top rope onto officials, which Elijah steps back from, and goes on the attack again.  They then brawl all the way backstage, as this does an EXCELLENT job on straddling that work/shoot line.

MATCH RATING: C This wasn’t much as an actual match, as it was far more about the character development.  I dare say that, as an actual match, it very much fell short.  Everything else afterwards worked very well.

Holyfield: A Great instincts by Elijah tonight, as well as those punches looking absolutely lethal.

Drake: B+ Definitely a step up in intensity, showing us that level at which he could actually succeed.  It’s time to drop the rest, though, as the bayou stuff is killing him.

Holyfield talks backstage about Drake pushing him too far and, again, that work/shoot line was straddled perfectly here.  You can absolutely buy that those two were legit mad at each other.

We return from break to Elijah still yelling about wanting to beat Drake up.  Drake tells Taker he was doing what he was told.  Taker loves the intensity, notes that they got an “LFG” chant from the crowd (that is big), but also asks for both tempers to cool down before they come back out again.

Time to give out points. I’d go with Elijah and Dani, but Haze could easily get the point as well.  Bubba sees this as well, and gives his point on the women’s side to Haze.  Taker gives Panina his vote.  I don’t see it, but ok.  Michelle, of course, gives Panina her vote as well.  Booker…..goes Panina as well, and she gets the win.

On the men’s side, Booker gives his point to Chris Island, and sure, he deserves some love here.  Michelle goes Drake and, you won’t believe this, but Taker gives his vote to Drake as well.  Please get rid of one of these two lovebirds next season.  I can’t take it.  Bubba shakes some common sense into us all, correctly noting that Elijah brought out the fire in Drake, and gives Elijah each point.  Drake still wins because the married couple didn’t want to argue over dishes tonight.  Ugh.

Booker and Taker are tied at three points for the lead, and Booker refuses a fist bump from him.  Booker T is a strange dude.

NEXT WEEK, someone else is under a mask, and Harlem Lewis gets pissed off.

OVERALL RATING: A This was so much fun, as they took something which could have been completely eyeroll-inducing and mostly made it work.  I’d say Island and Haze found themselves tonight, Drake probably saved his career, and Elijah and Dani just rocked the earth.  I had a very good time.

See you all tomorrow for both Evolve and some tales of yacht rock.

Hey everyone.  It’s time to board the crazy train to Orlando, Florida to watch the crazy babies of Evolve break all the rules.  I’ll take a shot in the dark and say there will be no miracle, man, in the ring tonight.  Allow me to indulge in my sweet leaf, as, after all, I don’t want to change the world.  I just want to watch Evolve along with you.  RIP, king, and thank you.

THEN. NOW. FOREVER. TOGETHER.

LAST WEEK, Jackson Drake fought off Lince Dorado and retained his Evolve heavyweight title, only to be attacked by Brooks Jensen after the match.  The WWE is really lining up the challengers for the Carolina Reaper.  Soon, we’ll have the one-legged guy who wasn’t Zach Gowan show up. We also had Jordan Oasis get challenged to find a mystery partner to face Swipe Right, Tyra Mae Steele make her Evolve debut, and Tate Wilder get his first singles win.  If that all screams excitement to you, then you’re in the right place.  You also may need a new hobby, but we’ll discuss that later.

We are in that part of the Performance Center where the magic happens.  I note a fan in the audience shows a strange amount of excitement at the thought of Dante Chen hitting the ring.  What did I say about hobbies?

DANTE CHEN VS. EDRIS ENOFE

Enofe has fabulous new theme music to go with his Burger King-looking crown.  I’m still a fan, though.  This, obviously, has massive stakes, as the loser could not possibly fall further down the ladder.  Yes, even I am sensing my own saltiness tonight.  Dante hits the side headlock, a shoulderblock, and a low dropkick for two.  Edris GOES FOR THE NOSE, but puts his head down and eats a kick to the face, which he way oversells.  Dante gets caught by Edris and slingshots him off the top rope.  Edris goes to work with basic heel stuff, hitting a reverse chinlock as the graphic tells us his fashion is inspired by no one but himself.  I do like the man’s fashion sense.  While I type this, Dante gets the fake hope spot, quickly getting cut off by Enofe.  We get another reverse chinlock, which Dante eventually reverses into a neckbreaker.  Edris hits knees into the corner, and here comes the actual comeback from Dante.  We get some slaps, an enziguri, and a boot to the face.  Dante goes for the “Gentle Touch” (that’s NOT a good name for a finisher), but eats the top rope again.  Dante reverses an attempt at the En Passant (which at least doesn’t sound creepy AF) into a roll-up, which then gets reversed into a roll-up, with a hook of the tights, by Enofe, for the three count.  Dante Chen, you are the weakest link.  Goodbye.

WINNER: EDRIS ENOFE

MATCH RATING: C – Of all the painfully average matches you’ve seen in your life, this was one of them.

Edris: C – See above.

Dante: C – See above.

Dante is all “he grabbed mah tights” at the ref, and a middle-aged white woman makes weird faces at Edris while he poses outside.

Backstage, Jordan Oasis encounters both It’s Gal and Sam Holloway backstage (where the hell has Sam been?), and tries to hype them up to be his partner because they’re all WWE ID guys.  Gal is all, like the hell does that have to do with me, and Sam calls him out as the creepy hobo he is.  Cappuccino Jones and WHAT THE HELL DID JACK CARTWHEEL DO WITH HIS HAIR enter the frame and take umbrage with all this.  Neither of them offer to partner with Oasis either.  The other four decide to face each other in a tag match instead.

Dawn dishwashing liquid has POWERSUDS now, two talking ducks in an ad tell us.

We return with a WWE ID promo, this time highlighting Aaron Rourke, Zara Zakher, and Ice Williams, as well as the success of Sean Legacy and the Vanity Project.  I love stuff like this, to be honest.

ADRENALINE DRIP (CAPPUCCINO JONES AND JACK CARTWHEEL) VS. SAM HOLLOWAY AND IT’S GAL

Cap shares his coffee with a fan in the crowd (he likes it) as Robert Stone rightfully calls out Jack Cartwheel for his dumb haircut.  Holloway now has a beard, and comes out in all black leather, kinda looking like Big Daddy Dork.  Cap and Gal start out.  Some shoves lead to a side headlock by Cap, reversed by Gal into a headscissors, complete with some push-ups.  Cap walks into a fireman’s carry, which leads to Gal doing some squats, but Cap escapes and hits a dropkick.  The fashion casualty named Jack Cartwheel gets tagged in and all sorts of flippy stuff happens.  Gal whips Carthweel into the ropes, and Holloway holds the ropes so that Cartwheel can hit the outside with a thud.  Hollway trucks both Cap and Cartwheel, then hits a SPRINGBOARD ELBOW off the top for two.  That was impressive, and Kevin Nash couldn’t have done that even if he possessed Will Ospreay’s body.  Gal hits a big vertical suplex, and does more push-ups.  Double legdrop by Gal for two. Cartwheel tries to make the hot tag, but gets tossed around by Gal.  Holloway comes in and hits a big butterfly suplex for two.  Cartwheel can bump damn well, and makes the other two look like gold, I must say.  Holloway tries to toss him around again, but the tag is made to Cap.  Holloway tries for a chokeslam, but Cap reverses and hits his big kick.  Half nelson suplex leads to the “Flip and Sip” by Cartwheel for…..only two.  Cap goes to the outside, gets caught by Gal, only for Cartwheel to hit the SPACE FLYING EVOLVE DROP to the outside.  If that wasn’t enough, here comes Holloway with the BIG MAN TOPE over the top rope.  Holloway hits a big splash up the top, and the pin gets stopped by Cap with a big elbow.  Cap and Cartwheel go faster than I can type, and Cartwheel must have gotten ten revolutions on a SpIral Tap for the pin on Gal.

WINNERS: ADRENALINE DRIP

MATCH RATING: A-  Indyriffic in the best of ways, with all sorts of crazy stuff, and barely anything missing the mark.  Kudos to all four here.  Really.

AD: B+ If Cartwheel didn’t show up ready for his 2002 ROH tryout, this may have been an A.  Both guys were impressive, crisp, and often too fast for me to even keep up typing with.  It’s what you want from the vanilla midgets you sign up for the ID program.  Does this have a high ceiling?  I’m not sure, but they’re certainly earning their keep.

Gal: B- It’s a pretty low rent gimmick, but he continues to be just fine in the ring.  Nothing exciting.  You’ll pay to see him get beat up, but how much will you be willing to pay?

Holloway: A- Holloway showed some great potential here, with some serious comfort level with the aerial stuff for such a big guy.  That’s pretty rare.  The presentation needs a ton of work, but the foundation is certainly there.

Cap and that Tim Horner-looking mofo celebrate.

Brooks Jensen offers his assistance to Jordan Oasis tonight.  Jordan wonders if Jensen really wants to go back to tag teaming.  Jensen tells him he’s still trying to find himself (his ass better hurry), Oasis agrees, and Jensen shoots a stare after he walks away.

Lots of ads for free IPhone games, as if these ads occurring while you play the actual games wasn’t enough.  In order news, Tubi may be hurting in the ad space department, as we got THREE of these in a row.

Stevie Turner is backstage with Marcus Mathers, and he’s angry at Keanu Carver ruining his debut.  He wants Keanu, but Stevie informs him that Sean Legacy has first dibs.  She offers him a WWE ID Showcase match with Bryce Donovan instead, which Marcus accepts.  Kali Armstrong enters the office, and she wants Jin Tala in the middle of the ring next week.  Stevie just wants everyone to use their inside voice.

KENDAL GREY VS. ZAYDA STEEL

Zayda’s got the entire Vanity Project, save Jackson Drake, with her…….but then they all go back to the locker room.  Ok, then.  Apparently, Zayda wants to follow Drake’s league and do it herself tonight.  Zayda with the armdrag to start, and she showboats a bit.  Hairpull, and Zayda takes her over with a side headlock.  Kendal finally takes her down as I consider how she’ll one day be my sixth wife.  Crossbody from Kendal for two, and Zayda escapes the Fireman’s carry and hits the outside.  Zayda lures Kendal back into the ring, and hits the knees to face.  Zayda hits some kicks in the corner, then a clothesline from a hammerlock position for two. Kendal is taking a LOT of offense here, and that’s not particularly great when said offense comes from Zayda.  Zayda stomps Kendal’s head to the mat several times for two and continues the attack.  Kendal comes back with some punches and a roll up for two.  Zayda misses the charge into the corner, and Kendal hits a German suplex.  Both exchange strikes, and Kendal gets the best of Zayda.  Zayda reverse a crossbody for two.  Kendal hits a sloppy Randy-esque powerslam for two, followed by a better overhead belly-to-belly.  Kendal takes the straps down, and here’s Wendy Choo to distract.  Zayda gets a roll-up for two off of that, but here’s another roll-up from Kendal to finish.

WINNER: Kendal Grey

Rating: C  Welcome to developmental, where folks have the right idea, but the execution isn’t all that.  Way too look of a heat segment, plus a pointless distraction, killed this a bit for me.

Kendal: C  After some early fanfare, Kendal has seemed a bit exposed when asked to do more.  The potential is there, but she badly needs her reps.  It hurt me to write that, as she’s my current crush not named Stephanie Vaquer Wren Sinclair Fallon Henley.

Zayda: C- That was a lot of offense from a thoroughly uninteresting wrestler who at least understands she’s a heel, first and foremost.

Kendal searches for Wendy Choo under the ring to no avail.  However, she does find Chuey Martinez.  Kendal shows some nice fire during her promo, but pronounces the word “problem” as if she were Donald Duck.

Sean Legacy and his fine collection of Bonobos-looking short sleeve shirts is backstage, and he wants Keanu Carver.  While Keanu was grinding on the gridiron, Legacy was already grinding in the ring.  He wants Keanu in the ring next week.  I actually think it’s the shirts, Sean.  Keanu wants to fit in one of those slim fits, but they don’t make the 3XL.

More free IPhone game ads.  For the love of god, already.

Chantel Moore segment.  Kylie Rae needs to get out of her way, as she’s cost her a title shot twice.  Chantel can go all day as to what she sees when she looks in the mirror, but all Kylie sees is disappointment.  Good promo, but Chantel’s playing an NXT 2.0 character too much here.

The forementioned Keanu Carver/Sean Legacy match is next week as the Vanity Project hits the ring, this time with the champ in tow rather than Zayda.  Blake Howard and Referee Hottie watch on.

SWIPE RIGHT VS. HOMELESS JORDAN OASIS AND JUST ABOUT THERE BROOKS JENSEN

Jensen is making his Evolve debut here as we get the big match intros.  For a second there, Jensen gave a little look in the ring which actually made me see him as a serious wrestler.  I wonder if anyone else felt that.  Jensen and Brad Baylor start.  Side headlock by Jensen.  Oasis comes in and hits a neckbreaker, then an armdrag takedown on Ricky Smokes.  Oasis gets his head down, eats a kick, but YOU DO NOT KICK JORDAN OASIS IN THE HEAD.  Chops in the corner by Oasis, followed by Jensen bringing Brad Baylor in for stereo chops.  Big slam by Oasis, followed by a kick to the back of the head of Smokes, and a senton for two. Oasis can’t overcome the double team distraction, and Smokes takes charge with some kicks as we go to break. We get ads for Pampers and Buick (reaching all demographics, I see) before returning to Swipe Right double-teaming Oasis.  Baylor hits some shots to the chest, as we are told they are the current Wrestling Open Tag Champs.  Oasis gets a small package for two, but gets caught in the corner again, as Smokes gets tagged in again for more double-teaming.  Baylor comes back for more body shots.  Oasis gets back up and hits a big overhand chop.  Oasis tries for the hot tag, hitting a backbreaker on Baylor, but Smokes has taken Jensen out as Oasis goes for the tag.  There’s your first sign of dissention. Hart Attack dropkick from Swipe Right gets two as Jensen is back on the apron.  More kicks by Baylor as long heat segments are the thing today.  There’s only so much excitement you’re going to get from Jordan Oasis, folks.  Oasis hits more overhead chops, but the eyerake from Smokes leads to Oasis hitting the opposite corner AGAIN for more double-teaming.  Baylor comes in and hits the Randy Orton chinlock.  Man, the kids love them some Uncle Randy.  Oasis finally reverses into a powerbomb, and hits a blackout cannonball instead of the hot tag. as the sledgehammer of plot thickens  Jensen finally comes in, takes out Smokes, drags Oasis to the corner, and tags himself in.  Jensen hits the lukewarm comeback as Stone cites Barry Windham and Buzz Sawyer as Jensen’s idols. Jensen then Oasis back in, yells at him, then leaves, completing the obvious turn we saw from a mile away. Swipe Right quickly hit their finisher on Oasis fo the victory as Jensen looks on.

WINNERS: Swipe Right

Match Rating: C You’ve got a legit good tag team in there, a guy who is, at least, a cromulent indy worker, and then you’ve got Brooks Jensen.  That adds up to a decidedly average developmental match.

Swipe Right: A You could easily make the argument that Swipe Right’s the best tag team in the WWE outside the main roster right now. We’ve seen them enough in the ring already that the lack of size isn’t as notable anymore.  These two know what they’re doing.

Oasis: C  There’s ID guys for whom you can see the next step, and then you have the guys who are just kinda there.  Oasis continues to the latter, doing everything decently enough, but never enough to be interesting.

Jensen: C- We know what Jensen can and can’t do.  His peak was the tag team with Josh Briggs, and neither dude has come close to being interesting since the breakup.  Josh has a puncher’s chance without Jensen, though, while Brooks is just DOA.

No one attacks anyone to end the show.

Overall rating: C  A very developmentally developmental show.  The ID showcase match was a ton of fun, and Swipe Right are just fun to watch.  The rest was a collection of green talent (I love you, Kendal) and nevergonnabes going through the motions.  Next week looks pretty damn good with Legacy/Carver, notgonlie.

See you all on Sunday for LFG.

Hey folks!  Come join me as I recap the latest episode of WWE How Much Can You Truly Get Away With When Boning The Rock’s Daughter, or WWE HMCYTGAWWBTRD. Let’s…..just stick with LFG for short.  No life update today, although I just took my first dose of Zepbound.  If I turn into a werewolf during this, you now know why. Yadadamean?

Season 2, Episode 5, “Size Matters.” 

I hope this doesn’t feature a naked Eric Embry backstage.

TONIGHT, the future greats will have to work either big or small to their advantage.  The jokes just keep on writing themselves.  Just think about baseball, Chris Island.  Everyone hammers this concept home, and Summer Sorrell will take on Bayley Humphrey in the main event.  I predict a Sliced Bread #2 somewhere.

Intro.  The future starts now.

It’s a new day at LFG, and Shawn Michaels has gathered everyone in the gym for a major announcement.  Shawn makes more size jokes and calls over the Undertaker, who pulls down his pants.  No, he doesn’t, but Shawn notes their obvious size difference to hammer this home.  Shawn actually says that the size story is not told right anymore, and certainly not like Shawn and Taker told their story in 2009.  Know what else was big in 2009, Shawn?  Yeah, “Party Rock Anthem.” This also should come complete with a quick shot of Brody King crying at home.  Clips from Shawn beating Taker follow.  Chris Island has watched this match over 25 times, apparently.  BJ Ray hasn’t watched any of their matches and, of course, is over all of it.  Tonight will feature big versus small matches.

The legends decide on matches for tonight.  Bayley versus Summer is booked.  Booker offers up Chris Island, and he’ll be facing Drake Morreaux.  Michelle offers up Panina, and she’ll be facing Dani, again.  Elijah Holyfield, who Bubba admits is a tweener in this argument, will face Anthony Luke.  There’s your match to watch tonight.  Bubba notes to his folks how passionate Shawn is about this topic, and then launches into Wu-Tang.

Dani, in her outfit, rides one of those super-cardio bikes that absolutely kill you as we prepare for our first match.

ELIJAH HOLYFIELD VS ANTHONY LUKE

Oh, hell yeah.  We start with the developmental goods.  Luke cuts a backstage promo as to how handsome he is.  Luke is definitely more the “big” here. Insert Maxxine Dupri joke.  Luke mocks Elijah’s boxing gimmick to start, and Elijah counters with an eye poke.  Awesome.  Great athleticism here, as Elijah hits a nice clothesline, but gets caught trying a dive from the apron. Back in the ring, big lariat from Luke for two.  Taker notes Elijah trying to stop the overthinking in the ring as Luke continues to mock him while he’s down.  A couple of big slams, with more showboating, from Luke for two.  Booker notes Luke working a bit too slow. Luke hits a biiiiig vertical suplex for two.  More beatings from Luke follow, as it’s been time for the comeback for a while.  Elijah blocks another suplex, meets a kick, escapes a third suplex, and blocks the big charge into the corner from Luke.  Elijah comes back with a big shoulderblock, showing some great fire.  Elijah misses a charge, but hits a body blow, followed by a half-nelson uranage for the three.

WINNER: ELIJAH HOLYFIELD

MATCH RATING: B+ Some timing issues aside, both guys really took it to the next level in their presentation.  Moves were crisp, and both guys have put in the work in going beyond moves and into getting you to not take your eyes off of them.

Holyfield: A- I think we’re watching a superstar blossom here.  Everything he did, he did with the precision of a worker like Apollo Crews but, unlike Crews, Elijah’s been working on the entertainment side.  His movements in between moves were so damn cool, almost video-game-like.  It was an awesome package.

Luke: B+ I think the heat segment lasted a bit too long, but I’m seeing more heel Marc Mero in Luke every time he works that style.  He’s a great shittalker, and people are going to want to watch him get his ass kicked.  The only question is whether they’ll want to watch him win as well.

Panina cuts a promo on Dani, saying no one ever came to watch the cheerleaders.  They came to watch the players, and cites her rugby career.  Nice.

P. NASTY VS DANI SEKELSKY (best of ten million series)

I’d love to see what a heel Dani looks like, as she is so white-meat babyface.  Panina throws Dani around to start, but Panina goes for the ankle, and we get a series of “little person fights off big person” spots before the Samoan drop hits for two, or at least I think it did because a giant Duck Dynasty graphic took over the screen.  Panina with an abdominal stretch, which triggered a 6.0 earthquake from Gorilla Monsoon rolling in his grave.  This is a lot of scrapping and screaming by Dani.  Standing spear by Panina, but she’s slow to go for the cover, and Dani gets the Hell’s Gate locked.  Panina tries to fight back, but can’t, and has to tap.

WINNER: Dani Sekelsky

MATCH RATING: B   There was a bit of sloppiness, maybe due to both working at very different speeds, but each knew their role to a T.

Dani: B – I think Dani was trying to work a bit too fast for Panina’s methodical style, but she was every bit the relentless scrappy underdog here.  Everything she did made sense.  The Hell’s Gate is a fantastic finisher for her as it gives her a lot of edge to counteract the rest of her presentation.  I see some Thea Hail in there.

Panina: B – Again, they were working at slightly different speeds, but Panina knew her role pretty well.  I don’t know what the ceiling still is here, but she rarely embarrasses herself in there.

Ominous music plays, but it leads to nothing.  Drake cuts a promo which, while it has some intensity, still can’t let go of the whole hokey Cajun thing.  Someone should tell Drake that Lash Leroux was never world champ.

DRAKE MORREAUX VS CHRIS ISLAND

Drake wipes his ass with his beads.  Alrighty then.  Chris comes out in white boxing shorts, which already looks better than the whole singlet thing.  Bubba argues against Island getting so close to Drake during his entrance.  Island goes right after Drake to start.  Island lands some punches in the corner, but meets a big boot from Drake.  Drake misses a splash.  Chris can’t land a German, and Drake nails a kick.  Bubba references how red Drake’s ribs are, as it seems Island wasn’t pulling his punches much.  More punches from Island, and Drake……oh lordy.  Drake seemed to go for a fallaway slam, but damn nearly kills both of them in the process.  They recover well enough and get back to the script.  Drake nails the standing splash, doing almost nothing to protect Island.  Was that a receipt, or is Drake just not that good?  Is Roxy the Rock’s eighth cousin, twice removed? The coaches notice.  Drake with a clothesline for two, then goes to the chinlock.  Island with an Angle Slam for two, as I’ve checked out of this mess, mostly.  Island misses a nothing off the top, and meets a bad chokeslam for three.

WINNER: DRAKE MORREAUX

MATCH RATING: D – Woof.  Neither guy looked good here, both doing little to protect each other, and with multiple botches.  Pretty embarrassing stuff, although not to the level of last week’s disaster.

Drake: D –  It’s not working.  The gimmick is bad.  The work is sloppy.  There’s just zero personality.  Whoever was truly at fault with the botches here, they ultimately made Drake look worse.  Some major intervention is needed here, and quick.  He doesn’t get an F due to them actually recovering decently after the first botch.

Island: C- – He gets a slight pass, as he definitely has some semblance of a personality, and didn’t outright flub much himself.  I blame him just as much for not jumping into that final chokeslam, though.  There’s more potential there, but probably also better high-flying prospects.

There are fans with signs outside.  The room is full of empty bleachers.  WHY ARE THEY OUTSIDE? Let them in.

Jeremy Borash is way too intense in telling us size matters.  We don’t want to know, Borash.

TIME FOR OUR MAIN EVENT!

SUMMER SORRELL VS BAYLEY HUMPHREY

Summer’s only been here five months, her mother is in attendance, and her gimmick is “I’m Not Dani.”  Bayley’s getting the Chyna mannerisms down more as she enters the ring.  She’s also only been here five months.  Taker’s telling us it’s “time to eat.”  Then eat, sir.  Referee Hottie is calling the match, and the fans let Summer know that Bayley’s going to kill her.  Summer acquits herself well with the usual side headlock spots.  Bayley throws her around, Summer escapes, and we get the usual wristlock shenanigans from both.  Both ladies are thus far doing far better than the two men before her, although you can literally see Summer’s brain going into overdrive in her facials.  Bayley cinches the bearhug, then drives her into the corner.  Bayley misses a charge.  These two are doing a lot with the pure basics here.  They understand the assignment, as the kids say.  Bayley with a  BIG slam for two.  Gutwrench backbreaker is sold well, with Summer trying to reverse it into a roll-up, but failing.  Bayley misses the big elbow, and here comes the comeback.  Roll-up out of the corner by Summer for two, as Summer is rightfully fighting for everything here.  Crucifix for two.  Summer tries for a crossbody, but meets backbreaker for two.  Package powerbomb into a powerslam (yes, you heard right) ends for Bayley.

WINNER: BAYLEY HUMPHREY

MATCH RATING: A – Take a bow, ladies,  You did damn well, considering both your relatively low levels of experience.  These women went out there, told a story, and didn’t try anything that was beyond their experience level.  This resulted in a far more fluid and crisp match than even the two men in the first match were able to pull off.

Bayley: A  – There’s still work needed in turning her into a complete worker, but she just continues to nail the stuff she’s going to need to do to get over.  There is a VERY high ceiling here if she’s able to move beyond monster and into someone who you want to see going 12-15 minutes with a top star.  I think she can get there.

Summer: A – Like Haze Jameson last week, we’d only seen Summer get squashed on Evolve appearances.  There’s been work going on in the PC.  Like Bayley, she didn’t try too much beyond her experience level, but she knew what to do, and played her part perfectly.  It’s way too early to see what we’ve got here, but kudos.

The judges meet to award points.  I’m going Elijah and Summer (but flip a coin between her and Bayley on the latter.).  But wait……is that Dani in a mask next week?  And is there some major brawling between Drake and Elijah?  This looks fun.  Michelle praises all four women, but gives Panina her vote on the women’s side.  Bubba goes Panina as well.  I’m not seeing this, but I’ve also never stepped into a ring.  Taker buries the latter match a bit, but gives Panina the vote again, and it’s a clean sweep with Booker.  I’m entitled to be wrong.  Tune in next week when I’m right again.

On the men’s side.  Michelle gives Anthony the vote for Elijah looking good.  Taker gives Elijah the vote, as I’m not going crazy, apparently.  Booker tells Chris Island there’s a lot of work to do, and that it’s Anthony’s choice whether this season is his or not.  Elijah gets Booker’s point.  Bubba goes Elijah as well, and he gets the overall point.  He damn well deserves it.

The standings are now Team Booker at three points (with two coming from Elijah Holyfield), Taker and Bubba tied at two (with Sirena getting the two points for whatever team she’s on), and Michelle at one.  Michelle claims she wouldn’t have been able to go home with her husband had she not gotten a point.

Drake feels the lightbulb is starting to go off.  Summer wants to further prove herself.  Bayley wants to further cement her legacy.  I think two of those things are probably true.

NEXT TIME, we work outside of our comfort zone, complete with Dani as La Chiquita Americana.  Should be interesting.

OVERALL RATING: B – Good show this week, as even the bad parts were less due to someone just not giving one bit of a crap (and where WAS Tatyanna this week?), and more due to this being developmental.  The good was great, and we’re really beginning to see a couple of shining stars come forward.  I don’t think Bayley wins the season, but she’s setting herself up for a nice push once she escapes this place.

I will see you all Wednesday for Evolve.  Remember, it’s not actually the size of the fish, but the motion in the ocean.

Hey everyone, it’s Wednesday night, and I am dead tired today.  I’ve been running on fumes workwise since going on vacation in April.  I won’t complain too much, as I’m very fortunate to work for myself, but running your own one-man show 24/7  can be very mentally taxing. Luckily, we have a couple of days on Block Island (in Rhode Island), which I’ve never been to, next week.  Of course, the trip is completely planned around the two shows I review (it’s actually not), so you won’t miss me too much.  For now, though, let’s trudge through the rest of this week with some Evolve action.

TOOOOO BEEEEE TU-BI.
THEN. NOW. FOREVER. TOGETHER.

LAST WEEK, Kali Armstrong was a bit of an underdog in her big title defense against Natalya, but ultimately hit her finisher and beat a future HOFer.  For her efforts, she both got beat down by Jin Tala after the match AND by Jordynne Grade several days later on NXT.  At least she got to shine for a couple of minutes with the latter. We also had a contract signing for the Evolve Men’s Title between Jackson Drake and Main Event Lince Dorado, who I heard referred to as “Lucha Lit” by Peter Rosenberg.  Sure.

The Vanity Project arrives at the arena, all dressed in white, followed by Lince Dorado.  Why are the Vanity Project dressed in white?  Have they turned the tables on the Puerto Rican legend and joined a Santeria cult themselves?  Well, I neither practice such nor do I have a crystal ball.  Def pop a cap in Sancho, tho.

We go straight to Kylie Rae coming out for our opening match.

KYLIE RAE VS TYRA MAE STEELE VS CHANTEL MONROE (Triple threat match)

Stone tells us Steele has been “killin it” on NXT.  Something something shoot comments that aren’t something.  Honestly, I hope Tyra trucks everyone here.  They all go after each other, with the two faces quickly taking advantage of Chantel before locking up themselves.  Tyra takes Kylie down with a fireman’s carry and does the obligatory amateur work, getting the half-nelson over for one.  Chantel comes back in and we’re exchanging roll-ups, baby. Chantel sends Tyra up for the outside, before being sent out by Kylie herself.  Kylie hits the suburban mom tope to the outside.  The tie on the back of Kylie’s outfit is dumb.  It’s like “I’m a little bit Frederick’s of Hollywood, but A LOT Rainbow Shops.”  Kylie hits a moonsault on Tyra for two, and Chantel comes in and tries to pin everyone.  Tyra with continued strong offense, making me very happy, but Chantel reverses an AA into a codebreaker in a nice moment.  Chantel and Kylie come to blows, I look down for five seconds, and Tyra hits a nice German suplex on Monroe for the three.

WINNER: TYRA MAE STEELE

Match Rating: C+ Honestly, a bit of a clunky mess at times, but also enough solid athleticism from all three as well to still rise it above average at this level.

Tyra: A – Tyra can be maddeningly inconsistent, which is probably why she’s at this level.  Luckily, we got good Tyra this week, as she was explosive, and all her stuff looked very good.  This Tyra right here has a good future.

Chantel: C – Chantel always has good moments, and the athleticism is certainly there, but she still very much belongs at this level.  She’s certainly a slight cut above some of the field here, but there’s work to be done.

Kylie: B- You get what you’re going to get with Kylie.  The in-ring is competent but, unless they’re going for a complete makeover with her (and they should), the ceiling isn’t much further up than this.

Chuey Martinez sat down with Jin Tala earlier today.  Jin looks badass in black, but continues to sound like she’s rehearsing her lines backstage.  The look and athleticism is real, though.  Actually, this isn’t terrible, as “deadpan killer” would absolutely work for her, but there must be more intention behind her words.  She’ll be wrestling Carlee Bright next.

Stevie Turner checks in with Homeless Man Jordan Oasis backstage.  He’ll be watching the Evolve Men’s title match tonight.  Stevie offers Oasis a match against Swipe Right, but doesn’t think Oasis can find a partner.  Oasis thinks he actually can. Riveting. That match happens next week.

JIN TALA VS CARLEE BRIGHT (W/ KENDAL GRAY)

I’m glad Carlee and Kendal found their way out of their usual stomping grounds, that corner of the women’s locker room they always sit in the background of.  Wait, though, as Carlee attacks from behind!  Elbows and kicks AND CHOPS in the corner from Carlee, which I very much like.  Jin rolls to the outside, and Carlee continues her attack.  Jin reverses, and head hits apron.  Jin rolls Carlee back in and goes on the attack.  I don’t like the “my tights look like they had a major accident in the washing machine look” on anyone.  It doesn’t look like anything else but that.  I don’t care who it is.  Lots of fashion tips today.  Make it work, people. *snap*. Carlee with the comeback, hitting the dropkick and an LA Knight neckbreaker.  Standing moonsault from Carlee for two. Carlee goes for the submission, and Wendy Choo appears to argue with Kendal.  This distracts Carlee enough for Jin to nail……something called the “Direct Effect” for the three.  Wendy Choo then disappears into thin air.  OH COME ON NOW.

WINNER: JIN TALA

Match Rating: C – Would have like to have seen more wrestling and less Wendy Choo here, as both ladies have strong “squint and you can see it” potential.  What we got, though, was pretty basic.

Jin: C – Basic.  Fine.  Whatever.  The finisher looks like she’s literally trying to break someone’s neck.  There’s absolutely something there, but it’s still the bottom of the first inning with her.

Carlee: C+ Know what?  I liked Carlee this week.  There was a lot less cheerleader in her presentation, and a lot more seriousness.  Give her and Kendal a lot more reps as a team, and they could make for a couple of beautiful killers.

Jin looks over at Carlee, as Kendal and Carlee are confused about how Wendy disappeared.  I have a feeling the fans on this 15×15-foot set know exactly how she did.

Tate Wilder gets confronted by Ridge Holland backstage, who will be watching his match tonight and doesn’t believe he belongs in this business.

HANGMAN TATE WILDER VS EDRIS ENOFE

You’ve got an anxious millennial cowboy?  Well, we’ve got a Gen Z, extreme sports-loving cowboy!  Edris looks as regal as always.  Extended lock up to start, and they exchange slaps in the face.  Wilder with the wristlock, taking Edris down.  Edris goes for one of his own, followed by a Tate dropkick, sending Edris into the corner.  Tate with the ten count punches in the corner, then flips Edris to the outside.  SHOOTING STAR PRESS FROM THE APRON from Wilder!  Nice!  He goes for the top rope nothingburger on the inside, though, and telegraphs getting kicked right in the face by Edris. Edris goes on the attack with a rear clothesline, then hits the chinlock.  Edris with some ground and pound, then removes his armband and tries to choke Tate with it.  Tate counters and goes on the attack with COWBOY SH….STRENGTH.  Tate loses balance on a suplex attempt, but they recover, and Tate hits a kick.  Tate misses a moonsault from the top, leading to Edris hitting his finisher, the En Passant, for the win.

WINNER: EDRIS ENOFE

Match Rating: C+  I wouldn’t kick this match out of bed. Nice athleticism from both guys, and a couple of pretty cool highspots to boot.

Tate: C+  It’s all a bit generic still, but the potential’s there.  That SSP from the apron was absolutely gorgeous, and, at the same time, there were a couple of obvious flubs.  That’s why they call it developmental, folks.

Edris: B – It’s all there in a rather mid-cardy package, but I’m very much still an Edris fan, even though I think he’s both a better face and tag guy. In another universe, his being the speed guy to Oba’s power guy as the “African Knights” or something would be cool. Oba ain’t no tag guy, tho.

After the match, Dante Chen comes out and tells Edris he was right in telling him he needed him to get dirty a few weeks ago.  Dante apologizes to Edris, then pops him right in the face.

Keanu Carver says Timothy Thatcher thinks he’s a superhero, but he’s nothing but goofy.  Carver puts the entire ID program on notice.

Vanity Project, minus a dead sacrificed chicken, roam around backstage in white, both wondering as to Jordan Oasis’s partner next week and being somewhat oblivious as to Jackson Drake having to take on Lince Dorado by himself.  Drake leaves them behind and heads to the ring as we hit the break.

Edris barges in on Steve backstage.  Stevie rather enjoyed Dante getting his comeuppance tonight.  Edris calls Stevie a biased general manager, which leads to Stevie booking Enofe vs. Chen next week, then kicking him out of her office.  I like these two getting matched up with one another, as it’s more of an opportunity than either was given at the next level.

Time for our main event!

JACKSON DRAKE VS LINCE DORADO (EVOLVE MEN’S TITLE MATCH – VANITY PROJECT IS BANNED FROM RINGSIDE)

Big match intros from Blake Howard to start.  Lince is introduced from the Lucha Lounge in San Juan.  The mofongo there is fire, I hear.  Drake, not the biggest dude in the world, looks quite bigger than Lince.  Drake with a shoulderblock and quick two on Lince.  Wristlock by Drake, and he gets brought down by Lince.  Lince bends Drake like a pretzel and gets a roll-up for two.  Nice armdrag off the top by Lince, followed by a headscissors and a fake dive to the outside before we go to break.  They are back in the ring when we return, with Lince hitting a dropkick for two.  Drake pushes Lince to the outside, and he actually hits his dive to the outside. Drake throws Lince back in after some touches, and appears to be bleeding from the mouth a bit.  Back suplex by Drake, followed by a knee to the back of the head, for two. Drake stomps the hand.  Lince with the hope spot, but Drake hits the Randy Orton powerslam for two before going into a very Randy-looking chinlock.  Another kick to the back by Drake, but Lince gets back and we’re throwing hands.  Drake takes control again with an elbow off the ropes for two.  Drake seems to try for a Styles Clash, but Lince reverses into a quasi-Poison Rana. Lince with the comeback, a man-sized slap, a cutter off the ropes, and a backstabber for two.  Lince goes for the armbar submission, but Drake finds the ropes.  Drake falls to the outside.  Lince goes for him, but his neck hits the ropes.  Drake back in.  Lince hits a kick, then goes to the top for the SSP, but the Vanity Project music hits!  Lince gets distracted……and no one comes out.  Unnecessary.  This is Lince Dorado, for Pete’s sake.  Powerbomb by Drake only gets two off the distraction, though.  Drake calls for Lince to get back up and goes for the finish, but Lince rolls him up for two.  Lince hits a couple of kicks and a brainbuster.  Lince hits a big forearm off the corner and goes to the top again. Lince hits the SSP, but Drake rolls out to the outside again!  Lince with the big dive to the outside.  He tries to get back in, but Ricky Smokes is under the ring!  He holds Lince’s leg, which enables Jackson Drake to hit his Claymore-like finisher for the win.

WINNER: JACKSON DRAKE

Match Rating: B+ It really shouldn’t take two attempts at interference to beat Lince Dorado, but both guys brought it in spades here, with Dorado a very believable first opponent for the title.

Drake: A – There really are no flaws in Drake’s game.  In a non-Vince McMahon world, this is a dude with a very high ceiling.  If you’re going to steal from anyone with your moveset, Randy Orton ain’t a bad guy to steal from either.

Lince: B+ There’s a reason he’s a trainer here.  Lince’s a pro’s pro, who can be counted on to perform anywhere on the card without embarrassing himself.

Drake celebrates in the ring………and Brooks Jensen attacks from behind.  Oy vey.  Vanity Project quickly hit the ring and act bewildered, as Santeria clearly does not work on hillbillies. Note to self.

OVERALL RATING: B – Nothing offensive here.  The epitome of a one-hour developmental show, although there are starting to be one too many NXT retreads clogging things up for my liking.  Give me more of the PC and ID folks, please.

See y’all on Sunday for LFG.

Hey folks!  I am digging out of a long weekend of watching wrestling and have “Then, Now, Forever” deliriously playing over and over in my head.  There was an episode of LFG, a show Mike Mears does not believe exists, that somehow was on last night, and that show needs to be reviewed.  Neither sleep nor rain nor snow will stop me from delivering this review to you, so here we go!

Season 2, Episode 4, “Good vs. Evil”

Hola, my peoples! It’s Wednesday night, and…….I’ve done that joke too many weeks in a row.  I’m nursing a slight sore throat, folks, and it sucks.  I will say that the Target has these amazing new throat drops called “Sootheez” which come in flavors like “birthday cake” and, my God, these things are good.  You should all get a sore throat, just so you can eat them.  Perfecto said he liked random slices of life from me, and that’s random slice of life number one: TARGET THROAT DROPS.  I’m shy.

Enough about throats, sore throats, deep throats, etc.  Let’s get to some Evolve action.

THEN. NOW. FOREVER. TOGETHER.

Hey, folks!  It’s (or, rather, it was) Sunday night, and that…….can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, actually.   For me, it meant our summer concert-going officially began last night, which is why I woke up early just to watch this damn developmental wrestling show.  We are fortunate enough to have a lovely outdoor venue near us and, at 50, our concert choices become more “who is playing there this summer we’d want to see” rather than “who are we travelling two hours to see.”  Last night, that meant Counting Crows.  Even though we knew only the hits, the band was much tighter than I’d imagined, and it made for a good time.  Now, onto why you’re actually here, and that’s the men and women of LFG.

Not really a recap to start, but a teaser as to what’s to come.  That may have also happened last week, which confused me at the time.  Tonight is about CHARACTER WORK and EVOLVING, with matches featuring Elijah Holyfield vs. Shiloh Hill (could be very good) and Anthony Luke vs. Chris Island (likewise.)

Hey, folks!  It’s Wednesday night, and you know what that means!  Right now, it means I don’t remember what happened on Evolve last week.  All I remember are these yummy Tru Fru chocolate-covered frozen dried raspberries I’m devouring right now.  They sure are good, and they’re still technically fruit.  You could bathe them in lard, cover them in bacon, and rub Rikishi’s butt on them, and they’d still be healthy, as they are fruit.  Enough about me and my HEALTHY FRUIT, though.  Let’s get to Evolve.

Then. Now. Forever. Like Britt Baker’s contract.

Hey folks!  I’m going to be doing my best to get an LFG review every week, as this really is an underrated show which gets that “Tough Enough” formula to work the best its ever have for the WWE.  If you haven’t watched LFG yet, perhaps this will convince you to give an episode a shot.  For those who watch all of the developmental shows, I hope I do the different format justice here.  Ready?  Let’s F—— Go!

Season 2, Episode 2, “Draft Drama.”

Hey, folks!  It’s Wednesday night, and you know what that means!  To me, it meant that I had to replace a blown PS5 Pro a couple of hours ago, where I decided to also randomly ask the Gamestop dude, “hey, you wouldn’t happen to have any Switch 2’s around, would you?”  I mean, it’s just money, right?  I can make more.  Gulp.  Anyways, enough about me.  Let’s get to what matters tonight, and that’s Evolve.

Hey, folks!  It’s Wednesday night, and you know what that means!  Actually, it could mean many things.  For instance, I know a guy who had a consultation for a vasectomy today.  That’s what it meant for him, but I digress.  For us, those of us reading this RIGHT NOW, it’s time for Evolve.

Hey, folks!  It’s me! It’s me! It’s that S-O-N-I-Single C, back with another edition of that WWE show without iguanas, Gunther, or fake mobsters.  It’s time for Evolve!

When we last left our developmental newborns, we crowned the first Men’s Evolve Champion, and his name is Jackson Drake.  That’s a pretty big deal for a WWE ID signee not yet under contract and something that probably gives hope to his landing an NXT deal sometime soon.  I like the dude.  He’s a bit on the small side, but his work is smooth and crisp.  He knows his way around the ring for a youngin, and his nickname is “The Carolina Reaper,” which I think is pretty dope.  I know a guy whose nickname is “His Fatness,” and I must say being named after a pepper hits better. I know we’ve got another WWE ID talent, Cappuccino Jones, taking on Wes Lee, tonight, which should be pretty good.  What else is there?  Let’s find out!

Hey, folks!  Welcome to Wednesday, aka “Hump Day,”, aka “The Night Where We’re Supposed to Know What it Means,” and other nicknames I’ll leave for you to sort out.  Most importantly, though, let’s go in through the back door of PC, past the gnarly restrooms they probably only use in case of emergency, and into the Evolve studio for an hour of folks learning their craft for our amusement.

When we last left our Future WWE Superstars of the WWE Universe ™, we crowned our first Evolve Women’s Champion.  That’s a pretty big friggin deal if you ask me.  Her name is Kali Armstrong, and she’s a no-nonsense powerhouse who has excelled in this format, following a period spent at Lvl Up, which didn’t offer the same platform for her to shine.  Tonight, we do the same with the men, as Sean Legacy, Edris Enofe, Jackson Drake, and Keanu Carver will battle to become the first-ever Evolve Men’s Champ.  Will it end there?  Will we crown a mid-card Paramecium Champion?  Let’s find out!

Hey, folks!  It’s Wednesday night, and you know what that means!  Well, I know what it means for most of you but, for those of us who love to dig deep into the WWE Developmental-verse, it’s time to head to Tubi and WWE Evolve!

Hey, folks!  It’s Wednesday night, and you know what that means! It’s time to get in the Tubi and ride off into the WWE developmental metaverse for some Evolve action.