Dream Matches — page 14

Steve Regal- the master of the “Disgusted Sneer” look.

Welcome back to another Dream Matches column! This one is a bit different, as I take two different WCW matches that happened multiple times and compare them- the first is a Dean Malenko/Steve Regal match that blew my mind way back in 1996 when I first checked this “Nitro” show out- it was a learning experience for a whole new type of match! And then they fought later that same year. Also, I found a weird trio of matches featuring Ice Train vs. La Parka of all people, back when he was the luchadore jobber du jour. And finally we have the bizarre “Super Assassins” (The Warlord & Barbarian under masks) as they take on the infamous American Males!

WCW TV TITLE:
LORD STEVEN REGAL vs. DEAN MALENKO:
(WCW Nitro, Aug. 8th 1996)
* Okay, so here’s a very big moment of my wrestling fandom right here. WWF was my “home-base” fed, especially since I was Canadian and WCW had crap for TV up here, but when I heard about this rival show forming, I decided to give them another chance. And this was one of the very first matches I saw in those first handful of shows (which included the famous “Rey Mysterio Lawn-Dart” incident. Regal at this point had some cred but mostly settled into this “Undercard Guy”, dominating as TV Champ, while Dean was the top Cruiserweight. Dean’s in black & purple trunks, while Regal, looking like he’s just absolutely DISGUSTED to be there, is in blue with red kneepads. Neither is holding a title at this point.

Remember when Sable was so over she could be the focus of the poster of a PPV while the freaking HELL IN A CELL match was reduced to a tiny image on the bottom?

WWF KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCHES (1998):
-And now we come to 1998- the company is riding the success of Steve Austin and running wild with it, and fresh new names are all over the company, driving gates and bringing eyeballs to the product. The only problem is, they’ve lost Bret Hart & Shawn Michaels within six months of each other, leaving Austin alone at the very top. Taker’s about to be reinvented, and Foley’s good as a temporary challenger, but it’s mostly a company led by the Austin/McMahon feud. So it seems like an ideal time to build up new challengers, right? So here we have a KOTR with some new faces- The Rock, Ken Shamrock, Mark Henry, a red-hot returning X-Pac, and more! Plus former Kings Owen & Triple-H are here.

We’re back to a 16-man tournament, with eight qualifiers and then the first round on TV. Only one of which I can find on YouTube, but I got all the Qualifiers but one!

OWEN HART vs. 2 COLD SCORPIO:
(June 2nd)
* Very disparate guys in weird parts of their careers here, as Owen Hart is now the last Hart Family member remaining post-Montreal, wearing his black & yellow “Caution Sign” singlet, and Scorpio’s in blue tights with “Beefcake holes”, and is a total JTTS, having dropped “Flash Funk”. Owen’s actually a member of the Nation of Domination here, and they’re sent back to the locker room before the match starts.

Bret vs. Owen! But it’s super hot out and I bet they don’t think anyone will buy this tape! Come see how much effort they put in!

WWF KUWAITI CUP 1996:

So before we had the Saudi Arabian shows or the “Tribute to the Troops”, we had a couple of years of “Kuwaiti Cups”, where guys would wrestle for a prize that’d get mentioned for a couple of weeks on TV. This guy’s channel has a few of the matches: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeT4gO_-Y0Yo0y8kTv4HmIQ. Jim Ross & Dok Hendrix commentate most of this, often bringing up the staggering heat out there- Monsoon also gets paired up with Ross. This all happens in May 1996, a month or so before the King of the Ring where Austin’s legend began, and it’s essentially one show after another for a week- each only a day apart. So you know these guys are gonna be looking to work light or work short.

There’s quite a few true rarities in here, though. Bret Hart vs. Leif Cassidy! Steve Austin vs. Ahmed Johnson back when we’d have all guessed wrong who the next big star was going to be! And most importantly, TRIPLE-H VERSUS BUTCH!!

High Energy AND Max Moon! In one match! It’s the most 1992 thing in wrestling!

Here’s an extra Dream Matches column for the week! Mainly because I had an extra couple of Steiners/Fire & Ice matches to post, plus I found this other bizarre one- a rare Genius match from 1992… AND a Max Moon appearance! In the same match! These would be posted MONTHS apart if I did the usual thing, so I give a little extra this week. I also threw in a short Giant/Ice Train match from the same time.

MAX MOON & HIGH ENERGY (Owen Hart & Koko B. Ware) vs. THE GENIUS & THE BEVERLY BROTHERS (Beau & Blake)
(Dec. 7th 1992)
* Wow, now THIS is a weird one. The Genius in a rare 1992 wrestling appearance, along with the short-lived Max Moon teaming up with fellow high-fliers Owen & Koko! The Genius is ultra-pasty in his black jobber trunks. Monsoon jokes about the twelve Hart children before the match, “Stu was certainly busy, wasn’t he?”, cracking up Lord Alfred.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnyynw2pz1Y&ab_channel=NWALegends.com

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I hit a request from a couple weeks back, as the Hardy Boyz (then indie darlings and not WWF superstars yet) take on Sabu & Rob Van Dam in a one-time-only match! Then we get an amazing HOSS MATCH as the Steiner Brothers and Fire & Ice just got buckwild and murder each other with suplexes for six minutes on Nitro. Then it’s Andre the Giant & Giant Baba taking on Terry & Dory Funk in All Japan from 1990! And then I torture you all by featuring the No-Limit Soldiers (B.A. & Swoll) vs. Lenny & Lodi doing an offensive gay gimmick from the dying days of WCW! Finally we end with a “Dream Matches” MVP, Roadblock, taking on one of the Texas Hangmen (maybe the Disorderly Conduct guy!). Read on!

TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH:
SABU & ROB VAN DAM (w/ Bill Alfonso) vs. THE HARDY BOYZ (Matt & Jeff Hardy):
(All Star Wrestling NWA Legends Show, Feb. 11th 1998)
* Okay, huh? I’ve never heard of this, but it’s before the Hardys meant anything, as they were merely respected job guys at this point in the WWF, with their own spotfest indie promotion (OMEGA). It would be Sept. 1998 when they properly debuted as “featured” guys in the WWF, after being trained by Dory Funk Jr. for a bit. This is some All Star Wrestling show in Greenville, North Carolina. RVD was still with ECW at this point, and Sabu was suspended around this time (might be later). The camera work here is… not great. Very grainy, pixelated and stuck in one corner. Sabu’s in orange, RVD’s in light tights (I can’t tell the color), and the Hardys are in matching checkerboard baggy pants.

WCW’s manliest tag team in a pairing that would probably have gotten a lot more love in today’s era than 1996- Fire & Ice!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, we have the beginnings of the Fire & Ice tag team, as Scott Norton & Ice Train wrestle a match on the D-show and are suddenly filled with manly feelings of respect! Also, the time Jerry Lawler cuts a horrific promo about Goldust in a King of the Ring Qualifying Match… and gets a face reaction for it! Plus after the oddly-good Henry Godwinn vs. Bradshaw match I was compelled to watch their later matches in 1997… and immediately regretted that compulsion! Also since those matches sucked, I added an extra bout- Sid & The 1-2-3 Kid vs. Aldo Montoya… and AVATAR! He’s back! Read on!

As always, these matches are all available on YouTube.

SCOTT NORTON vs. ICE TRAIN:
(WCW Pro, 1996-02-24)
* So weirdly enough we have the future Fire & Ice wrestling on the WCW show even *I* didn’t watch, even at the peak of my “watch EVERYTHING in wrestling” fandom. Norton’s in a red & black singlet, while Train’s in… kind of the same gear, making the Mirror Match even more obvious. Train’s looking more slender than I remember seeing him- he obviously got more swole later. Both guys nave near-identical builds, though Train is puffier and Norton more of a solid barrel.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have Shawn Michaels taking on both members of the New Rockers, but in separate matches! This is during the year he became WWF Champion for the first time, so it was a pretty big deal. And both Marty Jannetty & Al Snow were good workers, so the matches are pretty good! And then we get a lucha-rules match from late-stage WCW where Rey Mysterio & Eddie Guerrero team up against Blitzkrieg & La Parka for a shockingly great short match! Also since I showed Al’s run as Shinobi a couple weeks ago, here’s part of his run as Avatar! And finally, some of the mightiest of the Rick Fuller Division go up against each other, as the dreaded huge JTTSs of Roadblock and RON STUDD are in our final bout!

SHAWN MICHAELS (w/ Jose Lothario) vs. LEIF CASSIDY:
(WWF RAW, March 25th 1996)
* So naturally, with Marty Jannetty returning to the WWF and forming the New Rockers, it was only fitting that at some point his old partner Shawn would end up wrestling one or the other. Shawn, introducing Jose for possibly the first time in front of fans, was on the road to the Iron Man Match at this point. Humorously, Leif is such a dork he’s seen marking out for both Shawn and Jose, then aggressively shakes Shawn’s hand to start. Shawn’s in red and Leif’s in a black singlet with a neon “X” across it.

Beating a bunch of midcarders and you change the business forever. Wrestling is weird.

WWF KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCHES (1996):
* You might have heard of this tournament before. So by this point, the tourney was kind of up in the air after Mabel’s failed Main Event push. It could have even poisoned the “King” title, in fact. Hopefully THIS year’s winner makes more of a go of it.

So the backstory here was that the crown was meant to go to the “Next Big Midcarder”, more or less- mid-tier heel Hunter Hearts-Helmsley was expected to win it. But instead, he was one of the few guys the WWF could punish for doing the infamous “Curtain Call” (the Kliq members all coming out for a group hug in the ring, “exposing the business” by confusing fans at an MSG house show). And so he had his big push taken away and they threw it on some other guy. Thus giving HHH a lifelong persecution complex and an obsessive need to look smarter and better than everyone else, covering his own ass at every opportunity. But who knows what effect THAT had on the business?

This review is comparatively massive, because I decided to put the trio of Quarterfinals in the same review instead of splitting them up. Easier to look at the tourney as a whole that way! Hopefully it’s not too long, haha.

HENRY O. GODWINN (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. JUSTIN “HAWK” BRADHSAW (w/ Uncle Zebekiah):
(WWF Superstars)
* Weirdness abounds as tag wrestler Godwinn is out there with absolutely ZERO chance, taking on rising midcard guy Bradshaw, then a super-green Stan Hansen wannabe in red trunks and a ponytail managed by Zebekiah. At this point, the future JBL was nowhere near as protected as he would be even as part of the Acolytes, but he was protected enough.

The LOD vs. the RnRs! And not in FirePro! But don’t get too excited, because it’s short!

It’s time for another Dream Matches column! I was really surprised by how much of a reaction my 1995 KOTR one got, so I’ll have a 1996 version next week. This one features the one-time-only tag team match between the Road Warriors and the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express… except it’s given 4 minutes on a WWF D-Show and the Express are heels! Life is weird.

Also up is a DOUBLE-SHOT of Ahmed Johnson vs. Al Snow, as Ahmed takes on Shinobi in an infamous squash match, and then the next year faces the New Rockers’ “Leif Cassidy”. Then we get the Bruiser Brody Memorial Show weirdo match of Abdullah the Butcher & Jimmy Snuka against Stan Hansen & Tom Zenk of all people. And we end it with a WCW Lucha Libre show match starring Psychosis, Felino & El Mosco vs. Blitzkrieg, Venum & Super Calo!

THE LEGION OF DOOM vs. THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL EXPRESS (w/ Jim Cornette, Jeff Jarrett & Barry Windham):
(WWF Shotgun Saturday Night, Jan. 24th, 1998)
* Yes, this is apparently the one and only time the friggin’ Road Warriors & R’n’Rs EVER FOUGHT, despite the vast amount of years both teams had been around, often in the same company. This seems impossible given how today’s wrestling is, but back then, I guess they just never wanted to run it. On this very blog, someone suggested it and Scott pointed out the Roadies weren’t gonna lose and the Express was better off getting the rub for teams who could play ball with them: https://blogofdoom.com/index.php/2020/05/19/road-warriors-vs-rnr/. All there ever was was a 4-way match I guess. So instead we get a four-minute bullshit match on a WWF D-show, and this is the only time these two legendary squads ever faced each other in a tag match… with Jim Cornette backing up the HEEL RnRs, who are advertised as the NWA Tag Team Champions. Life is weird.

The Express are in red tights with white tassels (coming down to the ROCKERS’ theme music of all things) while the LOD are sorta in their “LOD 2000” gear, with grey shoulderpads- an unusual look for the WWF. The Express are 40 and 42, yet both look nearly fifty- they did NOT age well.

Mabel vs. Savio Vega ending a PPV. This was so bad it feels like a hard-boiled noir detective should be doing narration over it.

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCHES (1995):
* Back for more King of the Ring Qualifiers- technically still part of my “Dream Matches” column, haha. And with a special edition of everyone’s favorite wrestling standby: FANTASY REBOOKING!!

This year’s King of the Ring was very well-represented on YouTube. This is the most infamously bad tournament in history, which is hilarious, as “on paper” it looks to be the biggest one ever- while most tourneys are foregone conclusions or are full of mid-level guys, this one had Lex, Owen, Razor, Shawn and even the UNDERTAKER wrestling, with a ton of matches having equal stars. So the disaster that was the ’95 KOTR is a true epic. Come watch as the long national nightmare of Savio Vega in a prominent role begins, plus how NOT to create a new Monster Heel.

Previous tournaments re-legitimized ex-champion Bret Hart and gave credibility to Owen for his feud with Bret. A third tournament could either legitimize another would-be champion (Shawn Michaels, in this case), or set up a challenger for Diesel, who’s coming out of a feud with Psycho Sid. It looks like Bob Holly beating Mantaur is not on YouTube, but I found the rest.

MABEL (w/ Mo) vs. ADAM BOMB:
(WWF In Your House, May 14th)
* This was a strange decision- putting the first KOTR Qualifier on the first-ever In Your House PPV as a throwaway bout. Mabel had just recently turned heel, while Bomb was spinning his wheels as a directionless babyface after splitting with Harvey Whippleman last year. Bomb’s in the red & yellow gear as usual (he only briefly wore other colors), while Mabel’s in black & purple.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I lead off with what is probably Blitzkrieg’s best match ever, as he takes on Juventud Guerrera on PPV. More Hossery as the Faces of Fear take on the Giant Jobber Division of Ron Studd & John Tenta at the same time! Then it’s a rare look at the 1-2-3 Kid in a JTTS match, as Damien “I was NOT a JOBBER!” DeMento takes him on! And I found one of Lash LeRoux’s early matches, up against a “long since stopped giving a fuck” Roadblock. And finally, my “King of the Ring Qualifying Matches” series continues, but with the only two bouts I could find on YouTube. No idea why 1993 & 1995 are there in their near-entirety, but this one only has a couple.

JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. BLITZKRIEG:
(WCW Spring Stampede, 4/11/1999)
* Here’s another Blitzkrieg match- arguably his biggest, as he takes on Juventud on PPV! Juvi’s maskless and in mostly black (with silver & gold highlights), while Blitz has his best gear on- a slick black/red/silver get-up that’s not as loose as it sometimes is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFP2j4aCZZk&t=348s&ab_channel=ReedBettor

Oh man, I found some wild stuff for everyone today! VADER AND EARTHQUAKE as the mother of all Monster tag teams! In the weirdo Fake-Shoot Japanese UWF-I fed, no less!

Also, here’s a horrifying indie match between the Warlord and an ultra-green Ron Reis, plus a tag match in the storied No-Limit Soldiers/West Texas Rednecks feud. And we end things with a Saturday Night match between Eddie Guerrero & Blitzkrieg, as my “check out all the Blitzkrieg stuff on YouTube” series finally continues!

SUPER VADER & JOHN TENTA vs. GARY ALBRIGHT & KAZUO YAMAZAKI:
(UWF-I, 08.10.1994)
* Now THIS is a Fat Man Stand-Off! So Vader/Albright is the big feud in the company at this point, and Vader (the reigning champ) brings it Earthquake for a tag match. Quake is noticeably taller and wider than Vader is, in fact. Both are wearing their standard gear, though Tenta has an oddly blank upper torso, as “Earthquake” has been taken off. Albright was a big kinda homegrown UWF-I star, becoming a big name they were building up. He got pretty fat after this, but here is a barrel-chested guy in yellow, being dwarfed by the opposing team. Yamazaki has no physique, but was a shooter-type guy through most of the UWFs- feeling skipped over for title shots, he bailed for New Japan (his original company) and even sided with them during the “New Japan vs. UWF” angle, training its boys against the “Shooters”.

We live in a world where Manami Toyota gave Cesaro the rolling cradle. Life is so weird.

Welcome back to another Dream Matches column! This time, I have a wild CHIKARA match- MANAMI TOYOTA vs. CESARO!! With Mike Quackenbush and Sara Del Rey as their partners! I’ve had my eyes on for a while but was avoiding because of the length, but it turns out it’s really goddamn awesome!

And we follow that up with a very “Before They Were Stars” showdown, as John Cena as the super-lean, roided to the gills “Prototype” takes on WCW reject Chase Tatum, who has to lead the match! Back to All Japan, as John Tenta’s “oddly-skinny rookie run” has him teaming with Yoshiaki Yatsu against… Bruiser Brody and Jimmy Snuka!?! Then we cap it off with some WCW Saturday Night goodness, as Barry Darsow & John Nord take on Disorderly Conduct.

LUCHA RULES (leaving the ring counts as a tag):
MIKE QUACKENBUSH & MANAMI TOYOTA vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI & SARA DEL REY:
(CHIKARA, 19.09.2010)
* Okay, now THIS is an interest mix of characters- friggin’ CESARO vs. TOYOTA?!? I’m there, dude. This is CHIKARA owner Mike Quackenbush teaming up with Manami again, but in a tag team match, and their opponents are the future Cesaro as an indie darling under his real name- long, lean and already bald, in white trunks. His partner is Sara Del Rey, who… okay I don’t know jack shit about modern women’s wrestling, but I’ve heard she’s respected. She was big in Shimmer, a women’s promotion that I always found to have a very clutzy-looking style of wrestling (but I’m a puro snob when it comes to women’s stuff, and ’90s AJW casts a WIDE shadow over low-budget American indies). She also went to ROH, CHIKARA and has been a WWE trainer since 2012.

Quoth the No-Limit Soldiers: “Hoody Hoo!”

Welcome back to another edition of wrestling’s weirdest Dream Matches! This time I have one of the most all-time “WTF?” trios matches ever, as we end up with the First Family- a band of WCW’s weakest heel JTTS guys at this point- up against the infamous No-Limit Soldiers, long after their run was dying. So it’s a true dream team of Brian Knobbs, Hugh Morrus and friggin’ LIGHTNING FOOT against Brad Armstrong and two never-was roid-monsters in 4×4 and Swoll.

Also on the docket, we have WWF Champion “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. Akeem in Versailles Stadium in France! Rocker Shawn Michaels taking on Demolition Crush in 1991- a bout that would look incredibly different only two years later and was on PPV in ’94! The Diamond Studd takes on P.N. News in his infamous “rapper” gimmick! And finally, a trip to 2011 WWE as Kevin Nash takes on Santino Marella.

THE NO LIMIT SOLDIERS (B.A., 4×4 & Swoll) vs. THE FIRST FAMILY (Brian Knobbs, Hugh Morrus & “LIGHTNING FOOT” Jerry Flynn, w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WCW Saturday Night, 09 11 1999)
* OH MY SWEET DEAR JESUS, YES!! THIS kind of bullshit nonsense is the entire reason I started this column in the first place! Look at these idiots- a fat sack of ass in Knobbs, never-was Hugh Morrus and of course LIGHTNING FOOT the super-jobber going up against one of WCW’s worst ideas, comprised of whatever guys they were paying but weren’t doing anything with. B.A. is Brad Armstrong, fresh from the jobber corps. Swoll is somewhat infamous for only ever doing anything in this angle (his wrestling career consists of AWA & New Japan in 1991 and WCW in 1999 and that’s it)- I do love how he’s called “Swoll”, which none of the announcers (Tony, Bobby, Larry & Mike being the four Caucasianiest Caucasians to ever live) explaining what the hell that name meant. 4×4 is an absolute BLIMP, looking like a legit Looney Tunes caricature of a roughneck, and didn’t make it more than a year in the business either, acting as a bodyguard for Harlem Heat 2000. This stems from a brawl last Saturday Night, and is a revenge bout between the two stables. The faces are all in camo gear while the First Family is in black (with Knobbs sporting a PINK SHIRT, which is amazing).

Hey, look! I combined my two columns into one! Mostly because I mixed up my schedule a few weeks back and thus this week had a pretty short Joshi Spotlight… AND I had a long review here for my Dream Matches column that I had trouble placing. And I realized I could kill two birds with one stone! It technically counts as a Joshi thing (it was “Joshimania” after all!), but is also a Dream Match!

KING OF TRIOS TOURNAMENT:
MANAMI TOYOTA, MIKE QUACKENBUCK & JIGSAW vs. THE AMAZING RED & LOS MAXIMOS (Joel & Jose Maximo):
(CHIKARA, 2011)
* So this is from CHIKARA’s 2011 “King of Trios” tournament, which I think also crossed over with their “Joshimania” thing. I know someone who came to see her there (she was dragged there by her brother), and says Manami was just the BEST, and seemed so happy that all these people came to see her. Here she’s teaming with Mike Quackenbush, who I only know from LK2000’s old “List of Wrestling Moves”, which made me laugh because Quack had like every single “hard-hitting” move in wrestling in his repertoire, as if he was just a huge weeb who wanted to copy everything from puro. I mean, that’s the impression I got… I’d have done the same thing if I was a young wrestler. They’re teaming up with some guy named Jigsaw (never heard of him- he was “Rubix” in TNA according to Wikipedia) against a group of guys who got a lot of attention back in the day- high-flying tiny boy Red and the Maximos, who were well-respected but eventually kinda got exposed as overly-choreographed guys. Which I think makes them highly influential towards the modern style.

WWF KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCHES (1993):
* So for this week’s “Dream Matches” column, I decided randomly to take a look at the build up to 1993’s inaugural King of the Ring. As a 12-year old fan, I was way into the idea of this big tournament, and even now the set-up seems great- you have an 8-man tournament in one night on PPV, and in the weeks leading up to the show, you stick your stars up against JTTS guys in “Qualifying Matches” that are mostly foregone conclusions, except a couple of them have a legit question mark. It lets your “Featured Matches” actually count for something, and gives your name guys a big win on TV- and if you were watching back then, you know you only saw “Star vs. Star” matches once per week if you were lucky. I’ll see what I can find on YouTube for these (turns out it’s everything but Shawn/Crush, which ended in a Double Count-Out, which disqualified BOTH for some reason, so we had a different Qualifying Match instead).

The issue with KOTRs, of course, is that with 16 guys, 15 have to do the job. And when times are tough, Vince is squirrelly about letting guys drop legit falls. The real purpose of the first King of the Ring, of course, was to return some credibility to former champion Bret Hart, and set off his new feud with Jerry Lawler.

RAZOR RAMON vs. “EL MATADOR” TITO SANTANA:
* So Razor had debuted the previous year and been given arguably his biggest solo push ever, teaming with Ric Flair in the main program at Survivor Series and then facing Bret Hart for the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble. After his loss there, he was cycled into the upper-midcard, beating Bob Backlund at WMIX. Here, we’re a little bit away from the face turn that would forever change his career. Santana, meanwhile, has fallen all the way down the card and is only rarely featured on TV anymore- he’s been a JTTS for years by this point, and was looking pretty flabby compared to the ’80s. Both guys are in black, here- I don’t recall Tito in that look.

Such a dream match that somebody played it in WWE2K19!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I find another match adding to the culmination of the break-up of the Rockers, as they take on the WWF Tag Team Champions in their final title shot!

Also up, a super-famous BUNGEE JUMP Match from the GWF in 1992. Also, a request, as the West Texas Rednecks take on… The Public Enemy? Yes, they’re back in WCW after they got chased out of the WWF by the Acolytes! Then it’s an apparently “semi-infamous” squash as Fit Finlay wrestles his normal match against Power Plant jobber Lorenzo, which is indistinguishable from Fit Finlay shooting on Power Plant jobber Lorenzo! Also one more PCO match, as Jean-Pierre Lafitte takes on Man Mountain Rock in one of the only “featured matches” Maxx Payne fought in the WWF.

WWF WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE LEGION OF DOOM (Hawk & Animal) vs. THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty):
(Dec. 28th, 1991)
* Way, WAY at the end of the Rockers’ run comes their last shot at the World Tag Titles, as we get a rare Face vs. Face match against the unstoppable LOD in what’s truly a Dream Match. The LOD are in the usual, but the Rockers have on some bizarre technicolor shirt & tights combos, with neon stripes going up black middles and paint-splatter and tassels making up the rest of it. Ah, but they soon doff the shirts and look more like themselves. As someone pointed out last week, the Rockers were in a weird zone where they faced nearly everyone- babyface or heel- in the tag division during their time with the WWF. I surmised it was probably because they made everyone look good. The unusual match here is a giveaway that something’s gonna happen.

Many more “Fat Guy Matches” await us today! Read on!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! The main thing this time is a match I didn’t even realize had happened, as one team formed just as the other one was being split apart- the Natural Disasters against The Rockers!

And this time I have even more on those terrible indie-riffic tag guys, as the Land of Giants actually fight EACH OTHER (in Puerto Rico of all places), while the Puccio twins (“The Undertakers” on last week’s column) wrestle on a WWF House Show as “Double Trouble” against the Steiner Brothers! Then we see a random Saturday Night squash as Mike Enos takes on Mike Tolbert.

Also, a match that helps explains to the youngsters among you just WHY Dallas Page was one of the most hated wrestlers online in the late ’90s. This tends to shock newer fans and those who weren’t around back then, so take a look at a particularly notable match against Psychosis!

THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty) vs. THE NATURAL DISASTERS (Earthquake & Typhoon, w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WWF TV, Oct. 20th 1991)
* It is extremely weird to me that these two teams overlapped- I identify them both so strongly with two different eras- the “Hogan Era” and the post-Hogan doldrums- that this just feels “wrong”. But there was indeed about a four-month period where this could have happened- the Rockers were on their way to splitting, while the Disasters were a fresh heel team set up to fight the Legion of Doom. Ironically, the Rockers, in their bright blue tasseled gear, were a “modern”-looking duo, which is why in retrospect they’re now the most dated-looking guys of the era.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, we’ve got something weird- apparently when John Tenta was just starting out in wrestling, he was in ALL JAPAN of all places, teaming up with the Ace and weighing only 300-ish lbs., and fighting the legendary Road Warriors!

Also I found more of that bizarre Land of Giants team, as they take on… The Undertakers? Yes- it’s a pair of obese twins with a name the WWF actually bought off of them. Then wen see a “Battle of the Kings” as King Mabel decides to take out Ken Shamrock shortly after his King of the Ring victory- a shockingly good attempt at putting a guy over from MABEL of all people! And then, in a fantastically-terrible bout, come see the legendary POWER UTI, villain of Mick Foley’s first book and national hero of Nigeria, take on the worst wrestler in AEW- Doc “Super Festus” Gallows! And then we cap things off with WCW’s Wrath & Mortis vs. The Faces of Fear in a shockingly-good Hoss Brawl!

JUMBO TSURUTA & JOHN TENTA vs. THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering):
(All Japan, 1987.6.8)
* Haha, oh Jesus- look at this! Baby John Tenta, fresh out of sumo and having lost a LOT of weight, is in the early stage of his pro wrestling career in All Japan as the Ace’s tag team partner, and they’re going up against the early form of the Road Warriors, in full black spike-vests and ’80s facepaint! Tenta, in his navy-blue singlet with a Canadian flag on it, is almost unrecognizable, being barely 300 lbs. and scarcely larger than Jumbo- he’s all straight lines! Even at 24 he’s lost almost all the hair on top of his head, though.

Andre & Baba versus two 6’7″ guys so bad even Vince didn’t want them. I’m in love. So how bad do you have to be to have neither Vince nor Eric want you when you’re that big? Read on!

Time for more Dream Matches! This time, I’ve found one of those things that opens up the floodgates- wrestlers I’ve never heard of before who send me on a YouTube-fest that bring sup all sorts of weirdo matches! Come see two  6’7″+ guys even VINCE didn’t want as the “Land of Giants” take on Andre the Giant & Giant Baba in 1990!

Also, we have two bouts from the same episode of Prime Time Wrestling, as Jake Roberts takes on Typhoon and Paul Roma goes up against The Dragon! And then a match recommended to me a week ago- Dean Malenko vs. SURFER-era Sting from Nitro! And we’ll cap things off with the WCW Saturday Night debut of one Bill Goldberg, as the “Best of Roadblock” series continues! Can Bill defeat the 6’7″ guy who almost never wins? Who knows?!?

REAL WORLD TAG LEAGUE 1990:
ANDRE THE GIANT & GIANT BABA vs. THE LAND OF GIANTS (Butch Masters & Skywalker Nitron):
(All Japan, 25.11.1990)
* Oh my god you GUYS. This is Andre & Giant Baba in their retirement tour as crippled old men, and they’re taking on two gigantic dudes I’ve never heard of! I have to know everything about these guys now. Looks like they’re two never-was acts (Nitron sniffed WCW for a second as “Big Sky” and that’s all the Big Two has for them), both about 6’7″ or so but with physiques like the Young Bucks and knock-off Ultimate Warrior facepaint. Oh wait… Big Sky/Skywalker Nitron was Sabretooth in the first “X-Men” movie! It’s Tyler Mane! And he has a goddamn bleached RAT TAIL haircut! Butch has more fashion with a regular brown mullet. I love this match already.