The only Big Fat Heels I’ve never heard of- the Colossal Kongs! And HARLEY RACE was their manager! While he was managing Vader!
Welcome back to the final Dream Matches column of 2021! And true to form, I fill it with Big Fat Guy matches! This week, we’ll be taking a look at a request that netted me TWO bizarre matches- bouts featuring the Colossal Kongs! First, we see the pair of rotund near-clones as they take on two of the Four Horsemen- Arn Anderson & Paul Roma! Then we see one in a strange JTTS match against Ric Flair of all people, as Flair tries to use his “Broomstick TV Match” template on a hopeless obesitron!
Then take another look at mid-90s Nitro mishmash bouts as Lord Steven Regal takes on a young, masked Juventud Guerrera! And we see Freddie Joe Floyd for one final time, as I’ve run out of matches of his- here he teams up with Barry Horowitz as the “Elite Jobber” team up against… the Headbangers! Yes, Freddie Joe Floyd and the Headbangers interacted! How’s THAT for a wacky “Dream Match you never knew you needed”?! Then watch the strange circumstances of WCW boldly hiring away ECW’s 911 only to use him as a piece of shit jobber, taking on Ice Train on the D-show! And then it’s a glorious Fat Guy Dream Team as the One Man Gang teams up with John Tenta against the Armstrong Brothers… sadly, it’s Tenta as The Shark, but still! This would have been a mega-team in 1990!
THE COLOSSAL KONGS (Awesome Kong & King Kong, w/ Col. Rob Parker) vs. ARN ANDERSON & PAUL ROMA:
(WCW, Oct. 24th 1993)
* Shockingly, the Kongs are a pair of Big Fat Heels I’ve NEVER HEARD OF, but were apparently in WCW for a little bit. They debuted separately, but looked similar enough that they were eventually paired up, but neither ever became anything. Rob Parker is subbing for Harley Race, said to be busy with Vader at the moment. Awesome Kong is the hairier one of the two. And they’re taking on two of the Four Horsemen, which at this point features infamous failed star Paul Roma. Roma’s in long white tights and Arn’s in manly powder-blue trunks.
Arn tries to get something going with Awesome Kong, but makes some silly errors that Larry Z is all over him for on commentary. But he suckers Awesome into the corner and hits a flying axehandle to knock him down, then Roma badly mis-times his flying thing and just kinda drops his hand on Awesome’s head. Body press actually works and gets two. The other Kong comes in and misses an elbow that would shame Brian Knobs, and Arn works the leg. King goes to the eyes on Roma and Colossal brawls away, but tries the sit-down on a sunset flip and lands on his ass. Arn & Roma come in and just start beating the fat boys’ asses, so Parker calls in scrawny Yoshi Kwan (Chris Champion) to interfere and cause the DQ at (5:36). Aw, we were robbed of a clean finish between the Kongs & Horsemen!!?
The match wasn’t great, as the Kongs aren’t proper obese wrestlers- ideally you wanna use a lot of avalanches and falling moves, but these guys were just too clumsy and lumbering, sorta wobbling to and fro with their stuff so all they had was brawling (checking out jobber squashes they’ve had, they do a “Kong Sandwich” avalanche so I guess there’s that). And letting the Horsemen control them with STRIKES is all wrong- it makes the Kongs look like jobbers. Which I guess was kind of their point at this time, I dunno.
Rating: *3/4 (okay enough, but never really got going and had no finish)
RIC FLAIR (w/ Fifi) vs. KING KONG (w/ Harley Race):
(WCW Saturday Night, Dec. 25th 1993)
* Oh HELL yes! I was looking for more Kong goodness, and here the smooth-chested one is up against the Nature Boy! Jesse Ventura quips “King Kong- what an original name!”. Fifi (actually Flair’s real-life wife these days!) also gets a Body quote: “I hear she don’t wear NOTHIN’ under those dresses!”. Kong’s in the usual black with the big fluffy robe, and Flair’s in red.
We’re joined in progress from the break with Flair already down, and Race adds some shots while the ref is distracted! King Kong punches Flair over the ropes, and Harley sends him into the post. Kong with the bearhug, but Flair starts to punch out, only to run into a big boot. Kong does some choking, Race throws another punch, and Flair gets avalanched so Kong can pose. Jesse rips on the “black & white TV monitor” which Tony points out is actually in color, and Flair recovers with chops only to try a slam like a moron. King Kong misses that elbow again and Flair chops him down! But Kong whips him to the ropes for the Flair Flip and he charges to the other corner and ACTUALLY HITS A TOP ROPE MOVE! In 1993! Punch for Race! Forearm for Kong! Flair goes up for another axehandle and hits the Figure-Four Leglock (an AWFUL one- this dude’s legs are just too big) and we’re done at (3:27 shown). Haha, okay Flair knows how to come back from stuff for sure. The match was mostly dominated by Kong’s slow, wobbly shit, but Flair can get it done. A Figure-Four with no legwork is kinda funny, but Bret used to treat JTTS guys the same way.
Rating: **1/4 (not a bad JTTS match, even though King Kong is pretty bad)
Because WCW: You have a superstar Cruiserweight who can have amazing matches, but before you showcase him in too many of those or get the fans behind him, you put him into a quick squash on TV while another angle is going on. Cuz like, why showcase him in high-flying matches people will love first?
WCW TV TITLE:
LORD STEVEN REGAL vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(WCW Nitro, Oct. 28th 1996)
* One of those random “Luchadore Cruiserweights count as TV Title challengers” matches, which happened a lot even for higher-tier guys. Juvi was still pretty new to WCW, sporting his mask, while Regal has theme music I don’t think he had for much longer. Regal’s in the maroon trunks and Juvi’s in tights that are white on the front & red in the back. Right away we see Sting in the stands (with his much plainer white facepaint with smaller dark eye paint)
They do some light chain-wrestling but immediately there’s an “nWo contingent” of Syxx leading out some guys with nWo placards and it immediately distracts all the fans and stalls the match while he cuts a promo about how the nWo has almost all the belts and he’s going for the Cruiserweight one. Regal/Juvi trade wristlocks once attention’s back on them, Regal snapmaring out repeatedly but always getting caught again, and when he tries a butterfly suplex, Juvi ranas out. Regal sells his ass off for the tiny Juvi, getting dropkicked down and slammed. Juvi slams him again for a better position for the 450 Splash, going up but missing completely. We cut to Sting again as Regal hits the Regal Stretch (STF) for the handy submission win at (3:19).
Classic WCW- superstar talent from all over the world who can have **** matches, and they’re in a 3-minute squashes while the nWo distracts everyone, haha. Thankfully brighter days were ahead for Juventud (not so much Regal, at least for a while yet) but it remains odd how WCW would put so many good workers into squashes like this even while actively trying to push some of them as threats. Sure Regal’s a heavyweight, but come on- this was over super fast.
Rating: *1/2 (didn’t really have much time to be good, but decent chain-wrestling, a good rana comeback- Regal saved it by being strong enough to hold him in position for the reversal- and a decent “avoid the big finisher to hit yours” finish)
THE HEADBANGERS (Mosh & Thrasher) vs. FREDDIE JOE FLOYD & BARRY HOROWITZ:
(WWF TV, March 2nd 1997)
* WHAT TH–!? Freddie Joe Floyd has crossover with the HEADBANGERS!? I had no idea! I mean, I knew the Headbangers were quite “early Attitude Era” and didn’t make it far through it, but this shocks me. This is after the “pretend push” of FJF and the actual push of Barry subsided, as both are now just jobbers, already in the ring and slapping hands with each other. Barry was really over for a second there, but I have to think the short list of guys willing to job to him hampered his forward momentum.
The Headbangers do their patented “run into each other and spin around” thing, but immediately attack the jobbers before the bell. Okay I forgot they were heels. Barry eats a double-front suplex and Mosh kind of stumbles around with him, as the Headbangers seem to not have their timing worked out quite yet. Like Mosh will go for an early tag and be left hanging, and a clothesline out of the corner by Thrasher is kinda late. Thrasher front-superplexes Mosh onto Barry, then they ploddingly brawl for a while before Barry suddenly pulls a Northern Lights Suplex out to reverse a suplex attempt by Thrasher! That gets two, then Freddie Joe comes in for some shots and his scissor-kick, but eats a powerslam from Mosh and the Stage Dive (powerbomb/flying legdrop) gets the pin on him at (3:32).
Rating: * (As a squash, it wasn’t bad, but you got the impression both jobbers were better than either Mosh or Thrasher, who were quite disjointed and mis-timed. Though I guess that could suit their wild gimmick)
One of 911’s many “Jobber To The Stars” identities in WCW, where they take a 7-foot monster and are like “Meh- just toss him out to do jobs. Who cares?”.
ICE TRAIN (w/ Teddy Long) vs. BIG AL:
(WCW Worldwide, 1997)
* Dear God. 911 was such a big part of ECW’s milieu back in the mid-1990s, but when WCW signed him away, they just gobbled him up and spit him out. I mean, jobbing to Ice Train on the D-show? The dude doesn’t even come up in retrospectives or reunion shows, either. I wonder if he ever regrets that business decision. Al’s in black jeans, t-shirt and vest, while Train’s in a blue & white singlet with jagged “ice” designs on it. Al is definitely taller, but Train might have him in weight- that dude is BROAD.
Lockup leads to a shove-off, and Train whips him into the corner for an avalanche, then clotheslines him down. He hits a powerslam off the ropes for two, but misses another avalanche, and Al hits a shitty-looking legdrop to stay on him, getting two as well. But he tries to smash Train’s head into the turnbuckles, and apparently we’re in the 1980s because he does the “Black Man No-Selling Head-Shots” and Hulks Up (sorta), hitting a pounce & falling front powerslam, then pulls down the straps for a Jumping Splash at (2:31)- easy win for Ice Train. Man, Big Al was just horrible- Train was green but looked strong and moved well enough, but Al just looked like someone’s clumsy dad out there.
Rating: 3/4* (just a quick, simple match with a short comeback for the heel jobber)
THE ONE MAN GANG & THE SHARK vs. THE ARMSTRONGS (Scott & Steve Armstrong):
(WCW Pro, 05.04.1996)
* Once more, Scott & Steve are Bullet Bob’s jobbery sons- both decent workers but hopelessly unappealing physically, they were born to be geeks. Road Dogg got all the height in that family. They’re in green tights against the Dungeon of Doom big men. If it weren’t for the bad era (in particular for Tenta), OMG/Shark is an IMMENSE team- effectively the Natural Disasters but better because Gang is above Typhoon.
Steve (short hair) starts with the Gang and actually blocks his punches and dropkicks him down, but gets launched off- Scott (mullet) comes in with flying stuff but they switch again and Shark swipes from the apron and Gang gets a clothesline. Steve gets flattened with legdrops & elbows, but Shark won’t go for the pin after a belly-to-belly and both Armstrongs come in, doing pretty well with double-teams and taking Shark down with a double-dropkick. But Gang knocks Steve out of the ring and Scott leaps right into Shark’s arms for his head-tuck Powerslam, and Shark tags out so Gang can hit the 747 Splash for the win (3:19).
Very quick, easy match for the heels- the Armstrongs had some good speed with their 1982 offense, which made it better than the typical jobber squash- they were actually allowed to be a bit competitive, not that Larry Zbyszko was a big help on commentary, just writing them off every time they tried something.
Rating: * (pretty good for a squash- the monsters were game to sell)