Dream Matches — page 15

We live in a world where Manami Toyota gave Cesaro the rolling cradle. Life is so weird.

Welcome back to another Dream Matches column! This time, I have a wild CHIKARA match- MANAMI TOYOTA vs. CESARO!! With Mike Quackenbush and Sara Del Rey as their partners! I’ve had my eyes on for a while but was avoiding because of the length, but it turns out it’s really goddamn awesome!

And we follow that up with a very “Before They Were Stars” showdown, as John Cena as the super-lean, roided to the gills “Prototype” takes on WCW reject Chase Tatum, who has to lead the match! Back to All Japan, as John Tenta’s “oddly-skinny rookie run” has him teaming with Yoshiaki Yatsu against… Bruiser Brody and Jimmy Snuka!?! Then we cap it off with some WCW Saturday Night goodness, as Barry Darsow & John Nord take on Disorderly Conduct.

LUCHA RULES (leaving the ring counts as a tag):
MIKE QUACKENBUSH & MANAMI TOYOTA vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI & SARA DEL REY:
(CHIKARA, 19.09.2010)
* Okay, now THIS is an interest mix of characters- friggin’ CESARO vs. TOYOTA?!? I’m there, dude. This is CHIKARA owner Mike Quackenbush teaming up with Manami again, but in a tag team match, and their opponents are the future Cesaro as an indie darling under his real name- long, lean and already bald, in white trunks. His partner is Sara Del Rey, who… okay I don’t know jack shit about modern women’s wrestling, but I’ve heard she’s respected. She was big in Shimmer, a women’s promotion that I always found to have a very clutzy-looking style of wrestling (but I’m a puro snob when it comes to women’s stuff, and ’90s AJW casts a WIDE shadow over low-budget American indies). She also went to ROH, CHIKARA and has been a WWE trainer since 2012.

Quoth the No-Limit Soldiers: “Hoody Hoo!”

Welcome back to another edition of wrestling’s weirdest Dream Matches! This time I have one of the most all-time “WTF?” trios matches ever, as we end up with the First Family- a band of WCW’s weakest heel JTTS guys at this point- up against the infamous No-Limit Soldiers, long after their run was dying. So it’s a true dream team of Brian Knobbs, Hugh Morrus and friggin’ LIGHTNING FOOT against Brad Armstrong and two never-was roid-monsters in 4×4 and Swoll.

Also on the docket, we have WWF Champion “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. Akeem in Versailles Stadium in France! Rocker Shawn Michaels taking on Demolition Crush in 1991- a bout that would look incredibly different only two years later and was on PPV in ’94! The Diamond Studd takes on P.N. News in his infamous “rapper” gimmick! And finally, a trip to 2011 WWE as Kevin Nash takes on Santino Marella.

THE NO LIMIT SOLDIERS (B.A., 4×4 & Swoll) vs. THE FIRST FAMILY (Brian Knobbs, Hugh Morrus & “LIGHTNING FOOT” Jerry Flynn, w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WCW Saturday Night, 09 11 1999)
* OH MY SWEET DEAR JESUS, YES!! THIS kind of bullshit nonsense is the entire reason I started this column in the first place! Look at these idiots- a fat sack of ass in Knobbs, never-was Hugh Morrus and of course LIGHTNING FOOT the super-jobber going up against one of WCW’s worst ideas, comprised of whatever guys they were paying but weren’t doing anything with. B.A. is Brad Armstrong, fresh from the jobber corps. Swoll is somewhat infamous for only ever doing anything in this angle (his wrestling career consists of AWA & New Japan in 1991 and WCW in 1999 and that’s it)- I do love how he’s called “Swoll”, which none of the announcers (Tony, Bobby, Larry & Mike being the four Caucasianiest Caucasians to ever live) explaining what the hell that name meant. 4×4 is an absolute BLIMP, looking like a legit Looney Tunes caricature of a roughneck, and didn’t make it more than a year in the business either, acting as a bodyguard for Harlem Heat 2000. This stems from a brawl last Saturday Night, and is a revenge bout between the two stables. The faces are all in camo gear while the First Family is in black (with Knobbs sporting a PINK SHIRT, which is amazing).

Hey, look! I combined my two columns into one! Mostly because I mixed up my schedule a few weeks back and thus this week had a pretty short Joshi Spotlight… AND I had a long review here for my Dream Matches column that I had trouble placing. And I realized I could kill two birds with one stone! It technically counts as a Joshi thing (it was “Joshimania” after all!), but is also a Dream Match!

KING OF TRIOS TOURNAMENT:
MANAMI TOYOTA, MIKE QUACKENBUCK & JIGSAW vs. THE AMAZING RED & LOS MAXIMOS (Joel & Jose Maximo):
(CHIKARA, 2011)
* So this is from CHIKARA’s 2011 “King of Trios” tournament, which I think also crossed over with their “Joshimania” thing. I know someone who came to see her there (she was dragged there by her brother), and says Manami was just the BEST, and seemed so happy that all these people came to see her. Here she’s teaming with Mike Quackenbush, who I only know from LK2000’s old “List of Wrestling Moves”, which made me laugh because Quack had like every single “hard-hitting” move in wrestling in his repertoire, as if he was just a huge weeb who wanted to copy everything from puro. I mean, that’s the impression I got… I’d have done the same thing if I was a young wrestler. They’re teaming up with some guy named Jigsaw (never heard of him- he was “Rubix” in TNA according to Wikipedia) against a group of guys who got a lot of attention back in the day- high-flying tiny boy Red and the Maximos, who were well-respected but eventually kinda got exposed as overly-choreographed guys. Which I think makes them highly influential towards the modern style.

WWF KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCHES (1993):
* So for this week’s “Dream Matches” column, I decided randomly to take a look at the build up to 1993’s inaugural King of the Ring. As a 12-year old fan, I was way into the idea of this big tournament, and even now the set-up seems great- you have an 8-man tournament in one night on PPV, and in the weeks leading up to the show, you stick your stars up against JTTS guys in “Qualifying Matches” that are mostly foregone conclusions, except a couple of them have a legit question mark. It lets your “Featured Matches” actually count for something, and gives your name guys a big win on TV- and if you were watching back then, you know you only saw “Star vs. Star” matches once per week if you were lucky. I’ll see what I can find on YouTube for these (turns out it’s everything but Shawn/Crush, which ended in a Double Count-Out, which disqualified BOTH for some reason, so we had a different Qualifying Match instead).

The issue with KOTRs, of course, is that with 16 guys, 15 have to do the job. And when times are tough, Vince is squirrelly about letting guys drop legit falls. The real purpose of the first King of the Ring, of course, was to return some credibility to former champion Bret Hart, and set off his new feud with Jerry Lawler.

RAZOR RAMON vs. “EL MATADOR” TITO SANTANA:
* So Razor had debuted the previous year and been given arguably his biggest solo push ever, teaming with Ric Flair in the main program at Survivor Series and then facing Bret Hart for the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble. After his loss there, he was cycled into the upper-midcard, beating Bob Backlund at WMIX. Here, we’re a little bit away from the face turn that would forever change his career. Santana, meanwhile, has fallen all the way down the card and is only rarely featured on TV anymore- he’s been a JTTS for years by this point, and was looking pretty flabby compared to the ’80s. Both guys are in black, here- I don’t recall Tito in that look.

Such a dream match that somebody played it in WWE2K19!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I find another match adding to the culmination of the break-up of the Rockers, as they take on the WWF Tag Team Champions in their final title shot!

Also up, a super-famous BUNGEE JUMP Match from the GWF in 1992. Also, a request, as the West Texas Rednecks take on… The Public Enemy? Yes, they’re back in WCW after they got chased out of the WWF by the Acolytes! Then it’s an apparently “semi-infamous” squash as Fit Finlay wrestles his normal match against Power Plant jobber Lorenzo, which is indistinguishable from Fit Finlay shooting on Power Plant jobber Lorenzo! Also one more PCO match, as Jean-Pierre Lafitte takes on Man Mountain Rock in one of the only “featured matches” Maxx Payne fought in the WWF.

WWF WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE LEGION OF DOOM (Hawk & Animal) vs. THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty):
(Dec. 28th, 1991)
* Way, WAY at the end of the Rockers’ run comes their last shot at the World Tag Titles, as we get a rare Face vs. Face match against the unstoppable LOD in what’s truly a Dream Match. The LOD are in the usual, but the Rockers have on some bizarre technicolor shirt & tights combos, with neon stripes going up black middles and paint-splatter and tassels making up the rest of it. Ah, but they soon doff the shirts and look more like themselves. As someone pointed out last week, the Rockers were in a weird zone where they faced nearly everyone- babyface or heel- in the tag division during their time with the WWF. I surmised it was probably because they made everyone look good. The unusual match here is a giveaway that something’s gonna happen.

Many more “Fat Guy Matches” await us today! Read on!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! The main thing this time is a match I didn’t even realize had happened, as one team formed just as the other one was being split apart- the Natural Disasters against The Rockers!

And this time I have even more on those terrible indie-riffic tag guys, as the Land of Giants actually fight EACH OTHER (in Puerto Rico of all places), while the Puccio twins (“The Undertakers” on last week’s column) wrestle on a WWF House Show as “Double Trouble” against the Steiner Brothers! Then we see a random Saturday Night squash as Mike Enos takes on Mike Tolbert.

Also, a match that helps explains to the youngsters among you just WHY Dallas Page was one of the most hated wrestlers online in the late ’90s. This tends to shock newer fans and those who weren’t around back then, so take a look at a particularly notable match against Psychosis!

THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty) vs. THE NATURAL DISASTERS (Earthquake & Typhoon, w/ Jimmy Hart):
(WWF TV, Oct. 20th 1991)
* It is extremely weird to me that these two teams overlapped- I identify them both so strongly with two different eras- the “Hogan Era” and the post-Hogan doldrums- that this just feels “wrong”. But there was indeed about a four-month period where this could have happened- the Rockers were on their way to splitting, while the Disasters were a fresh heel team set up to fight the Legion of Doom. Ironically, the Rockers, in their bright blue tasseled gear, were a “modern”-looking duo, which is why in retrospect they’re now the most dated-looking guys of the era.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, we’ve got something weird- apparently when John Tenta was just starting out in wrestling, he was in ALL JAPAN of all places, teaming up with the Ace and weighing only 300-ish lbs., and fighting the legendary Road Warriors!

Also I found more of that bizarre Land of Giants team, as they take on… The Undertakers? Yes- it’s a pair of obese twins with a name the WWF actually bought off of them. Then wen see a “Battle of the Kings” as King Mabel decides to take out Ken Shamrock shortly after his King of the Ring victory- a shockingly good attempt at putting a guy over from MABEL of all people! And then, in a fantastically-terrible bout, come see the legendary POWER UTI, villain of Mick Foley’s first book and national hero of Nigeria, take on the worst wrestler in AEW- Doc “Super Festus” Gallows! And then we cap things off with WCW’s Wrath & Mortis vs. The Faces of Fear in a shockingly-good Hoss Brawl!

JUMBO TSURUTA & JOHN TENTA vs. THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering):
(All Japan, 1987.6.8)
* Haha, oh Jesus- look at this! Baby John Tenta, fresh out of sumo and having lost a LOT of weight, is in the early stage of his pro wrestling career in All Japan as the Ace’s tag team partner, and they’re going up against the early form of the Road Warriors, in full black spike-vests and ’80s facepaint! Tenta, in his navy-blue singlet with a Canadian flag on it, is almost unrecognizable, being barely 300 lbs. and scarcely larger than Jumbo- he’s all straight lines! Even at 24 he’s lost almost all the hair on top of his head, though.

Andre & Baba versus two 6’7″ guys so bad even Vince didn’t want them. I’m in love. So how bad do you have to be to have neither Vince nor Eric want you when you’re that big? Read on!

Time for more Dream Matches! This time, I’ve found one of those things that opens up the floodgates- wrestlers I’ve never heard of before who send me on a YouTube-fest that bring sup all sorts of weirdo matches! Come see two  6’7″+ guys even VINCE didn’t want as the “Land of Giants” take on Andre the Giant & Giant Baba in 1990!

Also, we have two bouts from the same episode of Prime Time Wrestling, as Jake Roberts takes on Typhoon and Paul Roma goes up against The Dragon! And then a match recommended to me a week ago- Dean Malenko vs. SURFER-era Sting from Nitro! And we’ll cap things off with the WCW Saturday Night debut of one Bill Goldberg, as the “Best of Roadblock” series continues! Can Bill defeat the 6’7″ guy who almost never wins? Who knows?!?

REAL WORLD TAG LEAGUE 1990:
ANDRE THE GIANT & GIANT BABA vs. THE LAND OF GIANTS (Butch Masters & Skywalker Nitron):
(All Japan, 25.11.1990)
* Oh my god you GUYS. This is Andre & Giant Baba in their retirement tour as crippled old men, and they’re taking on two gigantic dudes I’ve never heard of! I have to know everything about these guys now. Looks like they’re two never-was acts (Nitron sniffed WCW for a second as “Big Sky” and that’s all the Big Two has for them), both about 6’7″ or so but with physiques like the Young Bucks and knock-off Ultimate Warrior facepaint. Oh wait… Big Sky/Skywalker Nitron was Sabretooth in the first “X-Men” movie! It’s Tyler Mane! And he has a goddamn bleached RAT TAIL haircut! Butch has more fashion with a regular brown mullet. I love this match already.

Welcome back to another Dream Matches column! Here, we get one of the most famous bad matches in wrestling history, as WCW sends out terrible rookies Sid Vicious & Bryan Clark on a major national television show! Who can lead the match? NOBODY, as it turns out! And then they bring out a BIG AXE!!

Then we get the bizarre SmackDown! match where Triple-H has to take on Kai En Tai & the Brooklyn Brawler to earn a match against Chris Jericho on the next RAW- it’s semi-famous for the ending, which is kind of a one-time-only thing. Then “The Best of Roadblock” continues as he takes on Diamond Dallas Page in a throwaway match, and we visit PCO during his SECOND run in WCW as he fights Big Vito. And we finalize everything with the FIRST EVER match between the Undertaker and Kane!!! Except it’s in WCW with a green-ass rookie “Unabom” Glen Jacobs an an invading WWF purple-gloved Taker. But it still counts!

The height difference here is nuts. Like, Fred Ottman must always fight dudes of equal height because I completely forget sometimes that he DWARFS even men as big as Hawk.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I found an AMAZINGLY fun Hoss Match from Japan as the Natural Disasters go up against the Legion of Doom… with their “Iron Man” theme and incredible overness in Japan! That and Earthquake’s sumo credibility make for an incredibly fun bout.

And I found a great grab-bag of weird stuff for the column today: Did you know that when the Truth Commission split up, Bull Buchanan and the other guy were paired up for a couple of weeks as a team before being sent away and repackaged? Yup- come see “Armageddon” take on The Quebecers! Also my “Best of Roadblock” series continues as he’s set up against a pissed-off, lethal Giant! More of Jimmy Del Ray’s weird run as “Jimmy Graffiti” as he takes on Eddie Guerrero during Eddie’s early babyface push! And we cap off with Al Snow and a very young, green Kane as “Unabom” up against… Matt Hardy and Joey Abs? God SMW was weird.

WWF TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE LEGION OF DOOM (Hawk & Animal) vs. THE NATURAL DISASTERS (Earthquake & Typhoon, w/ Jimmy Hart):
(SWS/WWF in Japan, 12/12/1991)
* Okay, this is a fantastic one I saw split up in two on YouTube. The Road Warriors are of course famous in Japan and here come out to their old-school theme, “Iron Man”, and HOLY SHIT is that a massive game-changer to their act. Even with the cartoon WWF red & black spikes it’s a totally different effect, as awesome as their WWF music was- this was BORN to be a wrestling theme. Earthquake is of course known and respected in Japan as a former sumo (undefeated but quit over injuries and cultural rules and such)- he’s billed “Earthquake” John Tenta here. Right away I’m astounded as the two teams square up and even Typhoon is MUCH larger than either man. Like, Hawk & Animal ain’t small but Ottman has a couple inches on either one. This is in two parts on YouTube.

Welcome back to another Dream Matches column! This week we have another “Wait, that happened?” bout from the mid’90s, as Shawn Michaels in the midst of his IC Title (and Diesel’s early run as a denim-clad bodyguard) push takes on Kamala! Next, it’s from that forgotten era of the Quebecers in the WWF as Pierre is used as a jobber for the intense loner rookie Edge! Then it’s the battle of WCW’s “Rick Fuller Division” with the actual Rick Fuller taking on mighty Roadblock! I mean, SOMEONE has to lose! And we end with a WCW Lucha spotfest, as Juventud Guerrera & the deceptively-stocky Silver King take on Kaz Hayashi & Blitzkrieg!

As always, these are taken from YouTube, so you can watch them regardless of whether or not you have the Network.

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
SHAWN MICHAELS (w/ Diesel) vs. KAMALA:
(WWF RAW, June 28th 1993)
* This one was mentioned by fellow poster Moskow, and you just GOTTA review a trainwreck-looking match like this! Shawn is all in black and has his bodyguard Diesel, but Big Sexy is in all denim, looking like the most 1990s guy ever. One version online is SUPER-clipped, so watch the “two parts” version.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Now, if you’re anything like me, every once in a while you wake up and go “I really want to watch a dozen Roadblock matches”, but I wasn’t sure about doing a “Best of Roadblock” column or just spreading the joy throughout multiple columns. But watching him fight Tugboat in 1991 just needs some focus on its own, you know?

Also, this week we’ll see the TV debut of some tall guy named Dwayne Johnson as “Flex Kavana”, as he teams up with Brian Christopher against Jerry Lawler & Bill Dundee in the Memphis territory, while Dwayne prepares for his WWF callup in one of the few old territories left. Also, it’s a Berzerker frenzy, as John Nord squashes both Shawn Michaels and Jim Powers in different decades! Who knows if either of those pretty boys will recover their careers?

Also, come watch Blitzkrieg fight Super Calo! With NO BOTCHING! Swear to God! Except once. Where Blitzkrieg nearly dies. But other than that it was clean!

USWA TAG TEAM TITLES:
FLEX KAVANA & “TOO SEXY” BRIAN CHRISTOPHER vs. “THE KING” JERRY LAWLER & BILL DUNDEE:
(USWA, mid-1996)
* So yes, this is the first EVER televised match for one Dwayne Johnson, as he appears in his USWA incarnation, with barely any training under his belt (he graduated college only the year before), as “Flex Kavana” (a nickname 411/Inside Pulse’s Eric S would always use to make fun of him). And he’s teaming with “Too Sexy” against the old men of the territory, Jerry & Bill, at a combined age of 970, with Bill in yellow tights and Jerry in his blue one-strap. Flex is in black trunks, Brian in white tiger-striped tights. Flex, with the same heelish tint in his voice that the Rock would later use, declares his team “Naughty by nature and violent by design”. There’s barely anyone at all in this embarrassingly-tiny red TV studio as the USWA promotion dies and dies. Lawler is actually a heel at this point.

Welcome back to more of wrestling’s most unexpected Dream Matches! This week: it’s 1992 SMW, as Brian Lee the would-be Southern babyface star takes on a green-ass Adam Bomb/Wrath/Brian Clarke in his “Nightstalker” identity! And remember Blitzkrieg in WCW? The skinny white guy who copied all the cool shit he saw from puro/lucha tapes (wait… does that make him the most influential wrestler in history?)? Well here he is against Psychosis! And last week I showed you PCO as “X” in NWA TNA, as he won an X Division Battle Royal in a big debut- here’s his follow-up match against Chris Sabin! And finally, we end things with a sequel to that RINGS match from two weeks ago- this is one of the most beloved “Shoot Style” matches of all time, as Volk Han takes on Kiyoshi Tamura! Puro mat-wrestling fans LOVE this one!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC3OpxNnIGg

BRIAN LEE vs. THE NIGHTSTALKER:
(Smoky Mountain Wrestling, 1992 sometime?)
* Yes, it’s the ultimate Dream Match of CHAINZ vs. WRATH, bitches! This is from way, WAY early in the careers of both men, with Lee having 4 years to Brian Clarke’s 2. The Nightstalker was infamously bad at this point, to the extent that he looks like THAT and Vince McMahon still waited four years to bring him in. Dude was at least 6’4″ legit and incredibly jacked here, wearing black trunks and gloves. Lee looks pretty hilarious- he has big “Southern wrestler” vibe with the GIGANTIC mullet (even ’92 Crush would be embarrassed), plain black trunks, and bleach-blond hair. He has long, skinny arms & legs with a jobbery physique, so with his huge height he just looks like someone made a jobber version of one of those “growing dinosaurs” that gets bigger in water.

How many wrestlers bounced around this much without ever actually getting noticed? Carl Ouelett hit the WWF, WCW, TNA and more but largely peaked as “the Quebecer who wasn’t Jacques Rougeau”, y’know?

Prepare for another “Wait, that happened?” type of Dream Matches column, as I bring you not only the time Carl “Jean Pierre Lafitte/PCO” Oulett joined TNA’s X Division for a couple months with his “Beamspam All the Power Moves” style, but two of the most infamous “Wait, wasn’t that guy supposed to debut sometime?” examples in WWF history, as we get ultra-rare TV matches by both German bodybuilder Brakus (on RAW, no less!), and KEY, the coke-dealer identity of Vic Grimes when he was gonna be in the WWF until they changed their minds a week later. Yes, Key actually made a TV match!

Also we get a rare bit of crossover of eras in WCW, as the American Males take on Juventud Guerrera & Psychosis on WCW Saturday Night!

So yes, PCO was in the X Division for a short time as as quickie challenger, and he’s here in a Battle Royal against Low Ki, Christopher Daniels, Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, Johnny Storm & Chad Collyer!

All of these matches are available on YouTube.

X DIVISION TITLE SHOT BATTLE ROYAL:
(Winnter gets X Title shot; #2 vs. #5 & #3 vs. #4 next week for qualifying matches)
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS, LOW-KI, X, SHARK BOY, CHRIS SABIN, SONJAY DUTT, JOHNNY STORM & CHAD COLLYER:
(NWA TNA, Nov. 5th 2003)
* This is a run I always read about at the time, as a mysterious stocky guy runs in to TNA’s X-Division, simply named “X”, and got a bit of attention by reviewers right away for his “Beamspams all the big moves” style, and then is suddenly gone after two months. It’s actually Carl Ouellet in a goofy “X” mask with a tiny black singlet with Tazz’s tattoo on the crotch. The rest of the guys alternate between big “Super Workrate” stars (Ki, Daniels), mid-level guys (Sabin, one of those “would be more well-thought-of if there weren’t five better workers in the company at the time” guys) and jobbers (Shark Boy, Storm, Collyer). I’ve never even heard of Storm, nor seen Collyer before. Everyone here but Shark Boy & Daniels is in black, lol. Oh, 2000s wrestling.

As a lover of “Big Fat Guys Running Into Each Other” spots, this screencap makes me so, SO happy.

Time for more Dream Matches! And if you’re a Kamala fan, boy have I got the column for you! Watch a newly-babyface Kamala trotted out as a sacrifice for a bigger, fatter Yokozuna! And then him teaming up with the mostly-forgotten “Kimala II” in All Japan of all places, teaming with Abdullah the Butcher to take on Stan Hansen, Joel Deaton & Mike Golden! Plus Bad News Brown vs. Koko B. Ware!

And also, a very special random match from RINGS of all places, as the Japanese fake-shoot fed gives us two of their top stars- Volk Han & Dick Vrij in one of those weirdly inexplicably-scored matches (but don’t worry- the counts are only there to lead to the come from behind finishes!).

YOKOZUNA (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. KAMALA:
(WWF RAW, May 1993)
* Hell yes- someone recommended this to me, and it’s perfect. Another FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as Yokozuna takes on the newly-babyface Kamala, with no Slick at ringside, so you know his ass is being jobbed out. Heenan writes off Kamala’s chances because Yoko has never been slammed, while Savage votes for “the definite underdog” on account of Razor Ramon’s recent loss to the 1-2-3 Kid meaning everything’s up for grabs. Yoko is about ready to fight Hogan for the WWF Title at King of the Ring, so that pretty well tells you the finish right away.

The legendary Jimmy Graffiti, the finest gimmick of “Gigolo” Jimmy Del Ray.

This week in the “Dream Matches”, here’s the most disappointing match between two all-time great workers possible! Plus Shawn Michaels trying to crawl up the WWF card in 1992 against the Texas Tornado! One of those matches only WCW could have, featuring Jimmy Del Ray as a rebellious young street tagger and Prince Nakamaki in a cheap Tiger Mask outfit! Oh, and New Japan legendary asshole Shinjiro Otani fights Jerry Lynn in his Luchadore/Power Rangers ripoff gear!

“MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE vs. “STUNNING” STEVE AUSTIN (w/ Col. Robert Parker):
(WCW Saturday Night, 27.05.1995)
* Yes, an ultra-rare meeting between two of the greatest stars in the history of the business… passing like two ships in the night because Austin’s about to get dumped. “Stunning Steve” has a terrible receding hairline, wispy blond hair, black trunks & leather jacket, and no goatee, while Savage is in full Mega Powers colors, but with Slim Jim décor on his cowboy outfit. The winner of the match will face the winner of Ric Flair & Alex Wright. And before you get too excited and search this out, the YouTube video is only 7 minutes long and half of it’s pre-match bullshit.

Austin pokes the bear with a slap to start, and eats a back elbow and gets choked over the ropes for it. Austin goes to the eyes and brawls, but misses a flying splash (?!?) and Savage rams him into the Slim Jim post coverings (those don’t look painful at all) and the guardrail, then finishes with the Flying Elbow in the ring at (2:19). Haha, jesus christ.

Rating: * (TWO MINUTES. That’s all it got. Nice moves, as Austin was very smooth back in the day, but TWO MINUTES)

No, not THIS WrestleFest. But damn, that game was awesome.

WWF WRESTLEFEST ’88:
(July 31, 1988, Milwaukee Coliseum)
* So while looking for more Dream Matches, I found this interesting card. It’s been covered on the Blog in the distant past, but it seems fun. This was one of those times Vince “My philosophy is help yourself; don’t hurt the other guy” McMahon deliberately booked a super-show specifically to hurt the other guy, as Great American Bash tour was kicking off in Milwaukee the next night, so Vince is like “HEY HAVE A STADIUM SHOW WITH ALL MY BIGGEST STARS!” putting the hot World Title program and Hogan/Andre in a goddamn Steel Cage in the Main Event slots. The obvious reason being to make the WWF look awesome and the NWA look like shit, and to make fans spend money and hype on this show instead of that one. And I guess it worked.

This show is kind of scattered around the ‘net, as they didn’t quite air the whole thing at once- the openers were taped for regular TV shows and the Title Match is on DailyMotion, so this is scattered between YouTube and DM. But it’s an interesting time for the company, as things are hot as hell 3+ years after the Hogan Era began and the Mega Powers era is in full swing. Your hosts are Lord Alfred Hayes, Sean Mooney & Superstar Billy Graham, which is an, um, odd assortment of B & C-Team announcers.

Watch the Funk Brothers, Stan Hansen, Bruiser Brody, Jimmy Snuka AND Giant Baba all get into it!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I take a look at the early 1980s of All Japan, because I was curious about just what the Funk Brothers were like in their 30s (the answer: Still old!). And they’re taking on another gaijin team- the brawling mega-heel Bruiser Brody, along with “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka himself!

Also, prepare for some torture as we dive further into the career of one ERIK WATTS- two matches featuring the blandest, most forgettable tag team in WWF history, and one from his bizarre 1999 WCW comeback! That’s right- it’s time for some TEKNO TEAM 2000! Watts & Chad Fortune team up against Barry Horowitz & the Brooklyn Brawler, then the Smoking Gunns! And then watch ’90s Dudebro Heel Watts up against the legendary jam-up guy, El Dandy!

REAL WORLD TAG LEAGUE 1981- FINAL MATCH:
THE FUNK BROTHERS (Terry & Dory Jr.) vs. BRUISER BRODY & JIMMY SNUKA (w/ Stan Hansen):
(All Japan, Dec. 13th, 1981)
* Damn, so Snuka has wrestled in Japan before. And here he is teamed up with legendary psychopath Bruiser Brody against the Funks, at this point beloved heroes in All Japan. Dory merely looks to be 75 here, as opposed to his usual self, while Terry has the curly hair and looks reasonably in shape. Both Funks are in blue trunks, while Brody & Snuka are in black (Broady with furry boots) and backed up by Stan Hansen. Jimmy looks like he’s only had a dinner plate full of cocaine compared to how much he was using in the WWF, and looks weird with boots and normal wrestling gear on. I’ve literally never seen a Brody match before this, so this will be interesting.

This week: Another FAT MAN STAND-OFF, as it’s Cousin vs. Cousin! At least I think that’s how they’re related.

Welcome to another set of Dream Matches! Last week’s Wrestling Summit review was kind of a big show, so I needed a few smaller matches and easier-to-find ones to do this week, but I think I found some neat stuff- mostly revolving around Yokozuna’s WWF career, plus some other random guys. So this week, you will see an early Yokozuna squash against Koko B. Ware, then a scrap against his cousin Fatu in his role as The Sultan! And ending with one of his last WWF singles matches, as he takes on God-Tier Main Eventer Shawn Michaels!

Hoo boy, and if you’re a mark for Alex “The Pug” Porteau, are YOU gonna be happy- watch as the Pug takes on Salvatore Sincere and Fit Finlay on separate occasions! Can you believe

YOKOZUNA (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. KOKO B. WARE:
(WWF RAW, Jan. 11th 1993)
* The dreaded “Rob Bartlett” era continues, as he declares “that is one big-butted Oriental, Vince!” then quips “He’s got an ass like an amphitheater!” How did THAT one make it to air? Koko’s in the AMAZING High Energy parachute pants (neon yellow, baby!), while Yoko’s in the cool old gear- the white with red. No Frankie- Vince suggests “Maybe Yokozuna had a little SNACK before he came out here”.

Hogan & Hansen: Main Event in the making!

WWF/AJPW/NJPW WRESTLING SUMMIT:
(Tokyo Dome, April 13th, 1990)

* This is a pretty wild and wacky card, full of the kind of “Dream Matches” you’ll never see again- I’m really shocked it’s not more famous. I mean, it’s a triple-show with All Japan, New Japan, AND the WWF all at once! In the Tokyo Dome! Apparently highlights were aired on Japanese TV, but complexities with the rights led to the full event never being shown in its entirety (which might be why it’s so obscure). The biggest matches are Hulk Hogan vs. Stan Hansen, Macho Man vs. Genichiro Tenryu, and the Ultimate Warrior vs. Ted DiBiase. The WON awards declared this the “Best Major Wrestling Show” of 1990!

“TL;DR” Version: So come see Bret Hart vs. Mitsuharu Misawa in the most disappointing Dream Match of all time! Hogan with his “Japan working boots” (where he’s more “Unstoppable Monster” than the Technically-Gifted Powerhouse I was led to believe he was) on against Stan Hansen in one of his greatest matches ever! Macho King & Queen Sherri doing their schtick against a stoic top-tier Japanese legend in a befuddled Tenryu! Grumpy ol’ Jumbo Tsuruta dealing with hard-working heels in Martel & Perfect!

The show had two dark matches- Dan Kroffat, Doug Furnas & Joe Malenko beat Samson Fuyuki, Tatsumi Kitahara & Toshiaki Kawada in (11:56), and Jushin Liger beat Akira Nogami in (8:37). An extremely shaky fancam of the latter exists- it’s mostly hold-trading. They trade corner moves and Liger hits a surfboard and a rock-the-cradle. They trade flash-pins and Nogami hits a very good plancha and German Suplex for two, but Liger dropkicks him coming off the top and hits a Tope Con Hilo to the floor! He misses a roundhouse kick but gets a powerslam and finishes with a Moonsault Press. Looks **1/2-ish but holy god am I not gonna go move-for-move with such a shaky vid.