Eddie Guerrero as a dorky young babyface jobber! What could be better?!
Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time we have a pretty varied assortment of “Wait, that happened?” matches, starting with a young rookie Eddie Guerrero being fed to NWA World Title contender Terry Funk way back in *1989*! Also I get the last Super Assassins match, as the masked Powers of Pain are fed to Lex Luger & Sting on Nitro! Then it’s the infamous era of Ahmed Johnson as the fat, washed-up “Big T” as Harlem Heat 2000 face dream match legends Disorderly Conduct! And a request- the HORRENDOUS one-off solo match of “Kizarny”, who wrestles MVP here before showing up in a battle royal and then being fired, never to darken WWE again! And also, the “Decent stars slumming it in horrible WWF gimmicks” bout as The Executioner faces Freddie Joe Floyd!
TERRY FUNK vs. EDDIE GUERRERO:
(WCW TV, Sept. 5th 1989)
* Eddie, in jobber yellow trunks, is set to be eaten alive by Funk, who is outraged that the accouncer doesn’t wait until his chaps are off before announcing him. Terry’s in those red & black long tights of his from the ’90s- Jim Ross’s commentary suggests this is right after Funk turned on Flair and piledrove him through a table. Terry actually has REALLY big arms at this point, not quite having decayed to his “middle aged and crazy” state, while Eddie’s already juicing. He’s mentione was being “The younger brother of Hector and Chavo Guerrero, and Mando Guerrero” because they were actually MORE FAMOUS than he was at this point!
Funk has issues with Eddie’s evasiveness to start, then eats an enzuigiri and bails in frustration. Funk uses his size to shove him into the corner and chop him, but Eddie does a clumsy run-up to the top and backflips off, but dropkicks right into the worst giant swing ever, as Terry’s barely able to get any speed on it. Terry chops him, but misses a running move and gets tied in the ropes, dropkicked and headscissored. But he falls away from a dropkick and just dumps Eddie over the top rope, so JR demands this be a disqualification since WCW had that dumbass rule. He doesn’t know why it isn’t, but Terry just beats on Eddie on the floor… but clotheslines the post! Then Eddie climbs up and hits a plancha to the floor! Big spot for 1989! But Terry’s too crafty and dodges a follow-up pescado, so Eddie just splatters. Eddie’s in agony, so Terry just runs the ropes like a crazy person and hits a sliding dropkick so Eddie goes over the railing, then just goes out and piledrives him ON THE FLOOR, just to be a vicious asshole! hahaha what the fuck this is a JOBBER, Terry! Terry nearly has a bunch of fans reading to fight him for real and JR is disgusted that the NWA even gave Terry a license to wrestle as Funk just hauls Eddie’s carcass into the ring and pins him with a huge grin on his face at (6:07), and even I want Flair to kick his ass now.
Interesting little “story” told of Terry taking the rookie lightly and not being able to get any momentum on him. The early spots were a bit clumsy, probably thanks to nerves/inexperience by the kid, but they got it together with Terry playing this “wily veteran who’s just a mite too slow” until he can sneak a couple of shots in. So like Eddie hits this big-time plancha off the top, but gets a bit too aggressive and splatters on a pescado, and then Funk just destroys him with ludicrously over-the-top, violent moves. A piledriver on the friggin’ floor to beat a JOBBER? Then with this huge grin like he’s just soooooo proud of himself for doing it. Now that’s why Funk is a tremendous character.
Rating: **1/2 (great for what is a pretty short “foregone conclusion” match, as Funk has trouble until he really catches Eddie)
STING & LEX LUGER vs. THE SUPER ASSASSINS (Assassin #1 & 2, w/ Col. Rob Parker):
(WCW Nitro, Jan. 1st 1996)
* This is the final appearance of the Super Assassins in WCW, as the Barbarian would be given his old name and placed with the Dungeon of Doom, and Warlord cut loose. Sting & Luger were doing that “Sting’s a face & Luger’s a heel, but they’re still friends” thing. They’re in matching black, Sting with a weird “blonde over dark” hair color thing going on (soooooo ’90s- god I’m having flashbacks to that decade now). The Assassins are in black tights & shirts with yellow masks.
We immediately hit split-screen as Sgt. Craig Pittman comes down to beseech Steve McMichael to be his manager (all the guys in WCW you want to manage you and you pick STEVE McMICHAEL?!? He can’t even form coherent sentences! I wouldn’t trust him to manage an IHOP!), but Steve’s like “Aw gee whiz I got my hands full with this job already!” but tells Pittman he’ll be fine without one. Luger takes some shots but comes back on Barbarian and Sting takes over, cleaning house on both guys. Warlord hits the floor but press-slams Sting onto the railing. Barbarian hoists him upside-down for a while, and a double-shoulderblock gets two. Blind tag to Luger and of course Barbarian’s distracting the ref so while Luger’s being forced out, the Assassins hit their Suplex/Flying Tackle finisher on Sting! But Luger’s now so distracting to the ref that they can’t get a pin, and so Sting kicks out at two quite handily- Barbarian hits a powerbomb or piledriver (the video feed cut out) and a Flying Headbutt… misses! Luger gets the hot tag and clotheslines Barbarian, tosses him into the Warlord, and hits the Torture Rack. Warlord gets his cue kinda fucked up and lumbers in, getting hauled down and Scorpion Deathlocked by Sting, leading to the simultaneous submission at (5:50).
Oooooh, not very good here. Kind of a “WWF Special” match, with plodding powerhouses hitting lots of overhand clubbing forearms and weak submissions until the end, with a 30-second babyface comeback finale. This disposes of the Super Assassins I guess, and furthers the Sting/Luger duo.
Rating: * (short, basic TV match- not much outta the Assassins)
Washed-up Ahmed Johnson: Among the saddest sights in wrestling.
HARLEM HEAT 2000 (Stevie Ray & Big T, w/ Mr. J. Biggs & Cash) vs. DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mike & Tough Tom):
(WCW Worldwide, April 15th 2000)
* Oh my god, hahaha- I forgot about Big T entirely! So this is AHMED JOHNSON, freshly in WCW off of a disastrous WWF run that saw this future megastar derailed by constant injuries and flakiness. This run is generally considered to be an embarrassment and an epitaph to his wrestling career. Here, he kind of has similar arms and chest to his WWF days, but is much bulkier around the waist (he’s n0w billed at 350 lbs.) and wearing a singlet. Oh, and I guess Clarence Mason hit WCW at this point, managing the team as a “legal & spiritual advisor”, and a MONSTROUSLY muscular dude named Kash (4×4 of the No-Limit Soldiers) is walking behind them in a black t-shirt. Shockingly, this is the FEATURE BOUT. oh, wrestling D-shows…
Stevie Ray starts off with Tough Tom, throwing a bunch of right hands and a standing side kick. Big T in with a powerslam, but he goes for… something… and Tom rolls out of the way of what was probably supposed to be a splash but T wimped out on the bump and just did a hop instead. T slams him and then does a weird turning senton, missing that (was that what the first move was supposed to be?), bringing in Mean Mike, and DC do a repeating-spin assisted clothesline into the corner, the other guy clotheslines in, and then a Double DDT hits. Stevie breaks up the pin and they double-team Mike, Big T stepping back to the ropes and coming off for his big pump-kick, and my god, everything he’s doing is just so STIFF. Like he’s forgotten how to move or just can’t anymore. Heat gets a double-kick and T dumps Mike, allowing Kash to ram him into the post (lol- they’re CHEATING? To beat DISORDERLY CONDUCT?). Back in, a Double Spinebuster gets Mike at (3:49)- HH2K wins!
Wow, Big T is SO bad. Like obviously it was a meme how bad his run was, but seeing it for myself, it just looks like he was so uncomfortable with everything. He moved like a senior citizen afraid to hurt himself by doing too much- even his missed splash bump ended up being on his back, like he didn’t want to take a face-first one and this was easier, even if it didn’t make sense. He stumbled into that spinebuster finish, too. The Conduct boys were good to bounce around, but there wasn’t much to work with- it’s not like Stevie Ray was that good, either.
Rating: 1/4* (just a pretty bad squash, with Big T somehow looking awful even with a tiny handful of moves)
Speaking of extremely sad looks at washed-up guys…
THE EXECUTIONER (w/ Paul Bearer & Mankind) vs. FREDDIE JOE FLOYD:
(Nov. 25th 1996)
* Yes, it’s the legendary battle of the “two legit tough-guy Southerners who received stupid failed comedy gimmicks in the WWF that flamed out rapidly”. The Executioner is a spacey-eyed Terry Gordy, post-coma (brought on by an overdose of painkillers) and with nothing left in the tank. This was apparently done as a courtesy hire for Michael Hayes (Gordy’s old tag partner), with the mask being to hide his identity so as not to taint his legacy with shit performances (according to Bruce Prichard, anyways). He was allied with Bearer & Mankind against the Undertaker, under a black hood, and using Papa Shango’s old music. Floyd is in green trunks, still doing an “Excitable good ol’ boy” schtick but is really just a jobber who isn’t even winning squash matches anymore.
Executioner whips Freddie to the corner, but misses an elbow and eats forearms and a jumping side kick. Hey, is that “Faith No More Guy” in the front row? They get into a brawl, Freddie losing and taking a trio of clotheslines before the Asiatic Spike (thumb dug into the neck) finishes at (1:29). Yeah, they were done with Freddie at this point.
Rating: DUD (Gordy was just DONE- moving stiffly and having nothing in him)
MVP vs. KIZARNY:
(WWE SmackDown, Jan. 2nd 2009)
* This is a pretty infamous bout, as it’s the one & only TV singles match of “Kizarny”, currently wrestling as Sinn Bodhi, whose Wikipedia page is both highly informative and so, SO obviously written by himself (seriously, read this bullshit). He was a friend of Edge’s and Bruce Prichard says he liked him. Kizarny apparently had EIGHT VIGNETTES hyping him as this strange character who spoke in “Carney”, and his entrance music is weirdo carnival music, but he’s covered in weird paint and tattoos and tights that are covered in animal fur and spotted pink chaps. His “facial expressions on random” act and weird “spinning arms” walk are all hallmarks of someone who really, REALLY sucks at LARPing pretending to look crazy. He apparently married Stacy Carter for 3 years, and Edge was his best man. MVP is currently going though a “Losing Streak” angle, which was a weird booking thing WWE started doing around this time. Like, a lot, I hear.
MVP just squints at him with a frown on his face, I guess to signify confusion or “What is this guy?”- he’s not really pulling it off, though. Kizarny wrestles him into a backslide for two, then hits some stuff while spinning his arms around, then a tope suicida. A cross-body so bad half the people reading this could literally do better hits and gets two, and he keeps stopping & starting with brawling so the crowd can’t get into any groove- all these awkward pauses and such. MVP headbutts him in the gut and tosses him out for a beating, then rolls him in for two before hitting a… rear bearhug with his ass in the air? What is that? A bunch of random shots and slams get two and ANOTHER bearhug wears him down, then MVP gets a belly-to-belly throw. But Kizarny ducks down and I guess dropkicks MVP’s ankle and MVP’s in danger. Kizarny hits a solid running dropkick while MVP’s down and smashes him into the turnbuckles, but then just lies back on his waist for two. That’s weird. MVP punches him and goes for the Overdrive (oh god, THAT move), but Kizarny just kicks him in the gut and hits a Double-Arm DDT with a floatover for the three (6:27). So MVP’s losing streak continues.
So I dunno WHY Kizarny was released after a couple more shows (he appears in one battle royal and one backstage segment and is gone), but if this match was indication he was DREADFUL, and I can 100% believe Vince saw him for the first time here and went “Who the fuck hired THIS incompetent?” and dumped him immediately. Though you could also blame MVP, as each guy seemed to be wrestling a different match, and neither had any reversal other than “jump up and punch the guy”. Kizarny’s shitty “Fishmalk” (look it up) mannerisms were ridiculous and bush-league. This ended up becoming kind of a legendary thing (showing up on TV after all that hype only to be fired immediately), but has since been copied by some NXT callups, I hear. Kizarny went on to an illustrious career of random indies like CHIKARA, never getting another major shot.
Rating: DUD (absolutely awful, disjointed mess, with neither guy putting together a coherent bit of offense)