Botchamania Reviews ECW — page 9

Because Test interfered in the RVD vs. Lashley main event last week, the main event tonight is RVD vs. Lashley vs. Test. His punishment is getting a title shot?

Last week, RVD got his fan-voted title shot against champ Lashley. The match went to a no-contest after RVD decided to kill himself and his opponent with a huge dive like Holmes and Moriarty. Because of that, it’s the re-match tonight under…er normal rules.

It’s the last ECW of 2006 and…it’s a Best Of. Oh. Styles and Tazz present highlights of Cena vs. RVD, RVD vs. Show, Extreme Strip Poker (what?), Extreme Elimination Chamber, Lashley winning the title and the three-way from last week. At the end, Tazz gives Joey a Christmas present.

Styles: ”Are you sure? It says ”Michael Cole” on the label…and it’s ticking?”

Bobby Lashley and his incredibly generic theme music start the show. All respect to Jim Johnston but he’d been on borrowed time for years and I’m glad we know have CFO$. He grabs the mic. I’ve changed my mind, put his music back on.

Recap of Lashley winning the title and beating Show in the rematch so our main event is Lashley vs. Paul Heyman’s Personal Enforcers. Neither man has a name or a face which is weird, along with the fact Heyman’s not on the show anymore. I’ll save you a Google Search, the guards were played by The Bashams, so no wonder they were covering their faces.

Edit: Well I finished typing this up, clicked PUBLISH and WordPress asked me to log in and wiped the fucker. I assumed it auto-saved but that’s probably my fault for playing too many video games. No wonder Meltzer used a typewriter for so long. So this will be a brisk recap because this show isn’t exactly The Wire.

Oh boy, here we go.

We’re in Buffalo, New York with no opening and December To Dismember is THIS SUNDAY NIGHT. Oh. Paul Heyman starts the show putting over the EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber. ”Inside the chamber it’s total anarchy” etc. He introduces the weapons that are going to be used in the Chamber and that takes a lot away from Heyman’s spiel as he gives us a chair, a crowbar (which gets an ironic ”holy shit” chant) and a table. What a weird way to sell a supposedly unique match by filling it with normal weapons. Oh and there’s a barbed wire baseball bat too, which makes the crowd chant ”we want fire” because it’s New York.

We’re in Uniondale New York and we have Hardcore Holly vs. RVD EXTREEEME RULES II and The Hardys teaming up for the first time in years because OH SHIT THERE’S A PPV COMING UP.

We’re in Manchester, England (looks like the 02 Arena but by the time you’ve read this it’ll have changed it’s name again. Probably the Angry Birds Arena by now). Tazz is recovering from knee surgery so Elijah Burke joins Joey Styles on commentary. It’s where he’d end up ten years later and it means he’s not wrestling so good call.

Tonight we have Qualifying Matches for the ”December To Dismemder” PPV that Tazz will be chewing marbles at. And we’re starting right now:

Paul Heyman reminds us Rob Van Dam defeated Big Show in a ladder match to win a title shot whenever he wanted. RVD has chosen December To Dismember but Heyman has the right to choose the type of match so he makes it an EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber match. Ah, so that’s how we ended up with that. Heyman was trying to fuck over RVD but missed and hit the fans instead.

Tonight’s main event is The Big Show & Test vs. Rob Van Dam & Hardcore Holly. It’s Halloween so everything’s in Spooky Vision.

We start with a dramatic re-telling of Show vs. RVD from last week but even Martin Scorsese would have his work cut out here. The Gimme Shelter-less package reminds us RVD pinned Show so he’s earned a title shot. Will he get it? Click the link to find out and see some GIFs.

It’s a Double Main Event tonight as we get The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam plus The Sandman vs. Matt Striker in a Singapore Cane On A Pole Match.

The Cane match is opening the show so you know it’s a big deal. It’s like Wrestlemania X.

Tonight it’s EXTREEEME TITTIES as we get ready for ECW Strip Poker. WWE did a better job of hyping this segment than anything else on the show, they may as well have had Lex Luger drive his Express around the country shouting ”Get ready for tits!” out the window. Because posting screenshots of women in their bikinis gets Scott into trouble with the site hosts, here’s the presenter instead:

”I promise you one of these Divas WILL get naked” Balls Mahoney tells us, right before auditioning for the role of Fagin in a Philly Production of Oliver Twist.

We’re in Arkansa and we have The Sandman & Sabu vs. The Big Show & Matt Striker. Oh.

We’re in Tulsa, Oklahoma and our main event is The Sandman vs. Big Show. That’s out of nowhere, like the rest of the headline feuds on this program as WWE juggles Show as both a world-beater and a large arse for Vince to be thrown in.

Heyman starts the show by introducing Smackdown World Champ King Booker & Queen Sharmell to the EXTREEEME Parking lot. This will give Booker some ” half-arsing a match for a lesser promotion” experience for when he joins TNA next year.

No main event graphic so here’s a GIF from last Sunday’s Unforgiven 2006 instead.

We’re live at Madison Square Garden and instead of a main event graphic, we get Paul Heyman on the mic. He sucks up to the crowd and they buy it until Heyman swerves them. I take it they’ve not been watching this show then? Heyman thanks himself, mocks the crowd for wanting RVD & Sabu and tells them they’re all welcome for his success. ECW was all Heyman’s ideas and vision, dammit. Sabu has enough of this and bum-rushes the ring. Paul does a wobbly runner so Sabu kills Generic Security Number One with an Arabian Facebuster. Heyman’s not happy so he makes it Sabu vs. Big Show EXTREEEME RULES for the ECW title tonight. Wait why would you give someone a title match as a punishment? And the one good thing this show has done the last few months is emphasise how Sabu has the advantage when objects are involved. Huh. Anyway Sabu dives on the security guys to end the segment (and logic) as the commentators flip their lids about how the ECW Title is being defended on the holy grounds of Madison Square etc.

And here’s the big graphic!

Hype video for the McMahons & ECW Champ Big Show vs. D-X in Hell In A Cell at Unforgiven 2006. At least they’re entertaining:

HBK: Is this the place?
*HHH sees ECW shirts*
HHH: Bingo! This is the place!