We start with a dramatic re-telling of Show vs. RVD from last week but even Martin Scorsese would have his work cut out here. The Gimme Shelter-less package reminds us RVD pinned Show so he’s earned a title shot. Will he get it? Click the link to find out and see some GIFs.
We’re in St. Louis and Joey Styles instantly chimes in with the ”now-infamous South Philly screwjob” line that only the voice in his head has been using. RVD starts the show talking about how someone somehow someway pinned the unstoppable ECW Champion Big Show. In fairness, Show was pretty Last Boss-ish as Champ during this run but he also had his arse out at Unforgiven.
Paul Heyman, Security and a load of exposition waddle out. Heyman says RVD won a contract for an ECW Title Shot, but RVD will have to grab it via ladder match tonight. Oh and his opponent’s Big Show, who will get a chance to rip up/eat the contract if he wins. Heyman mentions the match may get a little…extreme (well yeah) and security attacks him. RVD takes them out individually like American Ninja VI: Stopped By The Cops as we got to break. See, nowadays RVD would win the title shot and the internet would be all WELL HE’S OBVIOUSLY GOING TO SHOW UP AT CYBER SUNDAY AND JOIN THE THREE-WAY CHAMPIONS MATCH, DUH. Actually yeah that would have been way more interesting than the match we got. I forget what my point was.
Adverts: Baldomir vs. Mayweather is coming to Sky Sports 2! For a (bad) wrestling comparison, Baldomir was Kofi Kingston and Mayweather was Randy Orton. Baldomir got a push out of nowhere but Mayweather won the match & feud and that was it for Baldomir.
CM Punk vs. Matt Striker
And like every week, Styles brings up Striker being a DISGRACED ex-teacher. That’s probably Vince McMahon’s idea of a pure evil, an evil teacher. Punk double-legs Striker and dominates to start. Muay Thai roundkick sets up the arm-lock/Owen Hart rope counter sequence and Striker sends Punk to the steel post. Striker can only gain an advantage if he’s cheating or bending the rules, which is nice. Punk recovers from the posting and a Striker armbar with more kicks and the knee/bulldog combo. Springboard clothesline that looks shaky but still connects because fuck it, it’s only Striker. Punk sets up the uranage but here’s Mike Knox for the DQ.
Winner: CM Punk (Winner was never in doubt but they did what they could with three minutes.)
Knox gets one shot in until Punk kicks him out of the ring. Knox is the shittest excuse for a character I’ve seen in wrestling, everyone looks manlier than him including his teenage girlfriend. He would only be worse if he cried or wet himself after every beating.
Test vs. Hardcore Holly
Holly gets a mild ”yay” from the crowd based on the RVD match and helping RVD win last week, but it’s mostly ”oh a 1999 Smackdown match” response. Holly beats down Test and does the ”c’mon!” arm gesture for the crowd to cheer him and they’re not biting. Test suckers Holly into the outside so he can toss him into the steel post. Big pink elbows by Test to Holly in the corner and punches. Lots of punches. Crowd chants ”you can’t wrestle” as Test gets clotheslined. ”Nothing pretty about this match” apologies Joey as the crowd chants ”boring.” Holly wraps Test in the ropes like Andre The Giant so he can get some more punches in. Holly bangs Test in the steps outside but as he goes inside, Test leg drops him. They’re doing a good job of pretending to wrestle in treacle. Then out nowhere, they re-enact Holly vs. RVD.
We go to break. I hope for Holly’s sake that doesn’t become his ”thing” on ECW.
Adverts: Well it’s 2006 so James Nesbitt and his hard-man ‘tache is selling stuff. Also Ross Kemp infiltrates a neo-Nazi camp.
When we return, Test has Holly in a bear-hug so that suplex was a good idea then. Commentators remind us that Holly’s giant scar on this back is because of the suplex from two weeks ago, making Holly an even bigger idiot. Bear hug lasts a few minutes then Test tries to Irish Whip Holly but he stops by the ropes. Nice bit of selling if that was intended, but it’s 2006 so the crowd chants ”You Fucked Up” and I’m sure some prick will put it in a video with Donkey Kong Country music. Holly counters a back-drop with a kick to the teeth of Test and I’m surprised that didn’t hurt Holly. Holly with clotheslines and elbows. Holly flies off the top with a clothesline but it only gets two. Test shrugs it off and powerslam for two. Test goes up top but gets crotched.
Tazz: ”that hurts.”
Holly flies off with a top rope leg drop for another two. Test recovers instantly and tries for a Pump Handle but Holly counters it into The Kick To The Dick (all-legal). Holly ducks a Big Boot attempt as this match has turned into you-do-a-move-then-I-do-a-move and Holly goes low again. Ref ignores it, Test throws Holly into the steep steps again and rolls him up with a handful of tights for the win.
Winner: Test (Match was all over the place, like they were told ”fill fifteen minutes” but they ran out of punches/elbows so it turned into a square dance.)
Test attacks Holly with a chair afterwards because he’s still dead a prick.
Sabu music video to remind us he exists.
Tazz explains how voting at Cyber Sunday works, with fans being able to vote on which Title will be up for grabs during Booker vs. Cena vs. Show. Also, you can vote for ECW’s The Sandman to wrestle Umaga if you want. What a match that would have been, especially as Sandman said in one of his many shoot interviews that the voting was 100% legit and they didn’t know who was going to wrestle until their name was announced.
We go backstage to OH NO Rebecca DiPietro who interviews Sandman. Sandy bleeds from the forehead and talks about beating up Samoans in bars so he’ll beat up YOUMAGA no problem. ”Ah’m the Shhandman and I approve dis message.”
I don’t know what the person who gave Rebecca DiPietro a live mic got but I hope it was at least ten years.
Rob Van Dam vs. The Big Show (Ladder Match for ECW Title Shot)
Yes it’s really Show in a ladder match. RVD doesn’t bother posing and goes right for a ladder. Show chucks it out so RVD goes to high-flying offence with his kicks. He’s learnt from last week his punches don’t do shit. As Show is down, RVD tries getting the ladder but Show recovers too quickly and he gets swatted. Show whips him into the ladder in the corner (”not a fun way to spend a Tuesday night!”) and instead of climbing the ladder, Show grabs it and tries to knock down the contract instead. Show gets gut-clubbered with another ladder while he’s wide open which sets up this cool move:
Show’s busted open so RVD gives him ladder-assisted Rolling Thunder. That must fuck up RVD as much as Show though? Well whatever. RVD tries climbing but Show’s able to push him off and he bounces off the ropes. Show tosses RVD into a ladder and then crushes him underneath a ladder and his own girth (”that’s like a small foreign car across ya chest!”) Show continues to toss RVD around like Oddjob at the end of Goldfinger and he cuts off RVD with a big, fat spear. Styles calls Big Show undefeated since winning the title and Tazz casually reminds him he lost last week, which is the reason for this match. You can’t sleep on Tazz. Show dumps RVD on a ladder and sets up the Vader Bomb but RVD crawls away to ”save his own existence.” Show ignores it because he’s THE SHOW and chokeslams RVD instead. Show climbs up the ladder (sadly not the reinforced one from MITB) and RVD decides the best course of action is to send Show out of the ring:
RVD jumps the fuck up and scurries into the ring, up the ladder and grabs the contract.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (This was pretty fun, telling a good story of ”can RVD out-maneuver Show?’ and Show being Show. Plenty of big, dumb moves onto ladders too.)
Overall: Fun main event and a CM Punk match is pretty good going for this show. Sandman rambling is another plus.