Paul Heyman reminds us Rob Van Dam defeated Big Show in a ladder match to win a title shot whenever he wanted. RVD has chosen December To Dismember but Heyman has the right to choose the type of match so he makes it an EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber match. Ah, so that’s how we ended up with that. Heyman was trying to fuck over RVD but missed and hit the fans instead.
Tonight’s main event is The Big Show & Test vs. Rob Van Dam & Hardcore Holly. It’s Halloween so everything’s in Spooky Vision.
Elimination Chamber Qualifier: Sabu vs. Kevin Thorn
Commentators hype up the EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber, asking what could possibly be more deadly than the Elimination Chamber? ”A bunch of weapons and shit” is the answer. Thorn does the slightly-bigger-than-usual-jobber offence until Sabu remembers he’s a vampire, sends him outside and follows with a tope. Inside, Thorn gets a nice counter off a springboard DDT into a Sky High for two then kills the good vibes by locking in a very loose armbar. Sabu takes the chance to have a breather then follows with three springboard kicks/elbows. Sabu is very springboard-y when there’s no weapons allowed. Sabu goes to the second rope but Ariel distracts with her norks allowing Thorn to clothesline him as he flies off. Sabu is able to nail yet another springboard move, an Arabian Facebuster w/o chair and then the Camel Clutch for the win.
Winner: Sabu (Bad mesh of styles here which is why it read like ”sabu did a move and then sabu did a move”. Thorn was so green I’m surprised Sabu didn’t try to roll him up and smoke him)
And yes for those who dare to remember the December To Dismember, Sabu would end up not wrestling on the show, being replaced by Hardcore Holly. Fair replacement.
Rebecca OH FUCK DiPietro interviews The Sandman about possibly wrestling Umaga at Cyber Sunday. A clown walks in so Sandman canes him.
When in doubt, have something random happen.
After the break, Tazz gives Styles a Halloween gift.
Shawn Daivari vs. Shannon Moore
Shawn’s ECW debut and he’s got Khali with him. Daivari speaks evil foreignese just to make sure you get that he’s a baddie.
Styles: ”I don’t know what he said, I don’t speak Farsi and Tazz barely speaks English.”
Daivari pounds away on Moore as Styles has to remind us Daivari is an actual wrestler. Not a great sign. Daivari misses a clothesline so Moore gives him a spinning heel kick and that’s as exciting as this gets I’m afraid. Daivari gives him an arm-stunner and finishes with a DDT. Crowd: ”oh.”
Winner: Shawn Daivari (Blimey, not even Dreamer gets to win with a DDT on this show. Moore gets attacked by Khali afterwards and I still think Moore was hired as a joke.)
Rebecca ”Nicole Bass on Ketamine” DiPietro talks to RVD. Van Dam is baked so he isn’t bothered about the Chamber match. Holly walks in and tells us it’s ironic he has RVD’s back considering he messed up his. Eh, not bad.
Halloween Costume Contest: Kelly Kelly vs. Trinity vs. Ariel
The show is very blatantly pre-taped as the editors dare to insert a monster pop for Trinity when she’s done exactly fuck-all on the show. WOAH NEVER MIND THAT SHIT, is that Colt Cabana in the crowd?
Styles: ”I saw a guy in the back dressed as Pinocchio.”
Tazz: ”No that was Paul Heyman.”
If I take any screenshots or GIFs it’ll annoy the webhosters (this is a family blog, for fuck’s sake.) so use your imagination. Trinity’s outfit is Police Tape around the tits, so I guess she’s a crime scene. Ariel is dressed as normal, with tits that probably weigh more than Kelly Kelly. And Kelly is dressed as CM Punk, haaaa. Hey that’s a pretty good use of these segments considering the usual value is ”something for your Dad.”
Mike Knox shows up to shout at Kelly and Punk runs in to defend her and KNOX GETS OFFENCE ON PUNK for the first time, so you know this show is worth torrenting. Punk shrugs it off and sends Knox flying out the ring after a Springboard Clothesline so don’t bother seeding. Punk stares at Kelly and seems conflicted. That’s definitely a pub conversation, would you fuck the Rule 63 version of yourself?
Cyber Sunday is this weekend. I thought the voting PPVs were a nice idea but usually poorly executed. Who cares which title is in the main event when it’s three unrelated un-feuding champs wrestling?
CM Punk will be on Ghost Hunters Live at The Shining hotel after this.
Knox challenges Punk to a match next week. That seems a bad idea, probably better off disguising himself as the old woman in the bath and attacking Punk after this show.
The Big Show & Test vs. Rob Van Dam & Hardcore Holly
Test stomps RVD with big, pink punches as Styles gets the ”now-infamous South Philly screwjob” line in. Test continues to dominate as the crowd chant ”You Take Steroids.” RVD knocks down Test with some kicks as Big Show shouts shite. Holly tags in and we get lots of punch-punch kick-kick action. RVD back in and he gives Test more flashy kicks. As soon as RVD goes to punches, Test is able to take over and gives Holly some punches on the apron so RVD decides to hurl himself over the ropes and through Test and we got to break.
Here’s a sneak preview of Punk looking bored as hell on Ghost Hunters Live. Maybe he’s watching this match.
When we return, Test’s Diesel clothesline takes down RVD but he still doesn’t tag out to Show despite being knackered. His stomach is inflating and deflating like a big, pink bagpipe. Holly tags in and Test finally tags in Show. Show stamps on Holly for a bit and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Between this thrilling match and the commentary trying to sell Cyber Sunday I need some coffee. Big Show big kicks Holly and Test takes over on stomping. Highlight of the match, the crowd chant ”BIG SHOW SUCKS” and when Test throws Holly into the turnbuckle they go ”TEST SUCKS TOO”. Big Show in now and he eventually misses a Vader Bomb. RVD in and he uses his kicks to knock down Show and takes him down with a swanton off the top. Rolling Thunder gets two and now Test and Holly brawl. The ref gets taken out but Holly plants Test with Alabamma Slamma. RVD sends Show out to the turnbuckle while they’re outside and a guy dressed in a Gorilla Suit hits RVD with a steel pipe. Show chokeslams RVD and that’s finally it.
Winner: The Big Show & Test (WELL IT’S THE HOUSE SHOW. Remember that tag match at Beast In The East? Yeah, that.)
The gorilla is revealed to be Heymanbe.
Overall: Knowing how badly the upcoming PPV was received has turned viewing this show into storm-watching. Highlight of the show was Kelly Kelly and that’s enough.